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Dear Lando,
I find myself a bit at a loss about what to say. I'm not even sure if this letter will ever reach you, but in the chance that at least one of the probes survives its way back home, I hope that my words might lend you some closure.
I'm no hero. I didn't go on this mission willingly; I'm a coward who looked brave people dead in the eye and told them 'No'. But in the end, it had to be me. Mark's loyal little guineapig. After all, who was better suited for the job than the guy doing the training. Now, I feel numb thinking about the trust I had put in him.
In the three hours they gave me to come to a decision, I propelled through every possible emotion on the spectrum. I'm not proud of refusing and I don't know how to explain myself without sounding like the most selfish person on the planet, yet I hope that somewhere in your heart you can forgive me and not let the picture you have of me be tainted by my weakness.
What I perhaps regret the most about my last few hours in freedom, is that I didn't spend them with you. Would things have been different, if I had sought you out? Easier or harder? Maybe you could've changed my mind, knew what to say when it all became too much to bear and the sky collapsed onto my shoulders.
Though, I guess it matters little, because I would've ended up on that spaceship one way or another. Humanity just couldn't take the chance. In a way, I can't even fault Mark for his decision, all he did was his job. I just happened to stand in the way of it.
It's hard to put into words the emotions raging through me upon waking up in space. Alone. Stranded. Not remembering anything. Neither name, nor mission. My past was a puzzle I had to stitch together with half of the pieces missing.
I couldn't remember you.
And that was the worst part; just an empty ship, the endless vacuum of interstellar space and the ever-repeating question 'Who would you die for?'.
Say Lando, do you remember our last evening together? I do now. The way you looked in the dim light, twilight at your back and looking at me like you have finally found what you have been looking for. The wind in your hair as we stood on the pier, stars in your eyes reflecting back at me and your soul bared for me to cradle in my palms. I see you there, every time I close my eyes. Just you; happy, light, full of love. And I wonder how I could ever let you go.
The pictures of you on the wall, gazing upon you when times seem most bleak, you give me strength when all else fails.
So, there is one thing about all of this that I will never be mad about: I get to try to save your life and guarantee a future in which you can grow old in.
And I will.
Because I have found a way to safe Earth, to kill the Astrophage. Mark put his entire faith in me, luckily for everyone then, that I managed to deliver on his gamble. With nothing waiting for me by the end of this and knowing that you will be safe, I can rest easier now.
There is a lot of things I should apologize for, so many things left unsaid and I wish that I had been braver when I had you within my reach. But alas epiphanies tend to happen when time has already run out and so I am left to dream – about talking to you, holding you, cherishing you until you become the very thing keeping me alive.
I'm sorry I couldn't say goodbye to you.
I'm sorry I left you alone, when I promised to never do that again.
I'm sorry that no matter how much I apologize, it won't change anything.
And above all, I'm sorry I will miss our date. I really wanted to dance with you.
Who knows if you're even still thinking about me. After all, for you it's been two decades. Maybe this letter reaches you and you'll think vaguely of a man named Oscar you once knew and loved and forgot about. I wouldn't fault you for putting that chapter of your life behind you, deleting it – deleting me – out of your head and heart. Because there is nothing that kills me more than thinking you have suffered through the memories of me.
But who am I kidding? That is not the kind of person you are, is it?
If you read this, Lando, I want you to know that it's okay. You can let go now. Because me and the memories I carry of us will be written in the stars from now on, left there for you to gaze upon for your eternity, knowing I will be up here watching over you.
I want you to know that when my time comes and I finally drift off into nothing, the only thing I will be thinking about is you.
It's always been you.
In our next life, let's go dancing together.
I love you, Lando. From the bottom of my heart, forever and always.
– Oscar
