Chapter Text
They’ve finally returned home to their familiar wrecked-little realm and their warm, not-to-disturbed monastery. It looks like the SoG had raided it searching for Lloyd, but surprisingly didn’t rip it up too much in the process, and didn’t burn it down like they had with some of the other, less lucky buildings they’d searched. There were more than a few things stolen and broken, but compared to the desert floor Zane’s been sleeping on this last month, anything seems luxury. Before the ninja had even entered, a debate had sparked over who got to shower first, another luxury they’d all missed out on in the First Realm, and by the way Nya debated, it seemed she, Lloyd, and Pixal had had troubles accessing one themselves. This is... intriguing. Pixal’s description had been loose, to say the least, and Nya didn’t seem eager to explain herself, just that she needed a shower just as badly as the guys did, and she, “won’t take 10 hours in there twirling my hair around playing super model like Kai will”. It made sense for them to stay away from the monastery, and obviously they couldn’t take shelter in The Bounty, but why not the Sam X cave, or the apartment Darreth had offered them only a few hours before? Pixal had avoided the subject while she defended Nya. Avoided almost every important detail, actually, which wasn’t helping her case.
Lloyd had run off while they waited for a ride back to the monastery and came back noticeably more shaken up, clinging on to Cole (who had offered to chase after him before anyone had the chance to argue. Kai didn’t seem to happy about it, but, as Zane reminded him then, he injured his knee while climbing the Colossus, and, as Skylor swaying on her feet nearly the second Kai moved her off of him reminded him, he had more pressing issues), and definitely limping, though Zane hasn’t scanned him yet. When the two had returned, Lloyd said almost nothing, a small sorry and a bow, before turning to the commissioner, promising they’d be back to help clean up tomorrow (met with some groans from the team), and a thank you for the help, before rushing into the taxi they’d called. Now Zane, Nya, and Cole sit in the living room waiting for the shower to open, making sorrowful attempts at casual conversation. Jay had won the fight and got first dibs for the shower. Then Cole, Nya, Master Wu, Lloyd (who hadn’t participated in the argument but had been roped in, Nya mentioned him more out of worry, and Cole had to add he “smelled rank” when they’d hugged earlier), and lastly Kai, whose overly complex routine would take at least double the length of the average shower. Kai isn’t in the living room with everyone, saying he’d lay down until his turn finally came. Lloyd isn’t present either, but offered no excuse before retreating to his room. Nya starts interrogating Cole now, worried over what exactly happened when Cole had chased after Lloyd.
Cole offers almost nothing back to her, “He lost something and he went looking for it,” he shrugs when Nya makes a face, “There’s no way he was gonna find it this late at night, in all that rubble. And even if he did, it’d be broken by now… just don’t bug him about it too much, ok?”
Nya scoffs, “Something? Just something? Did he tell you what? He must’ve. Did you even try and help him find it? What could he have even lost, we were carrying basically everything-”
Cole shrugs again, though it’s a lot stiffer than he meant it to be, “Does it really matter what it was? It’s lost now,” Nya isn’t picking up on it (or, more likely, she does pick it up but doesn’t care), but Cole is getting really annoyed now, annoyed in a way that makes Zane’s (metaphorical) guts twist. Lloyd definitely asked Cole to keep it a secret, whatever it was, and Cole isn’t known for his secret keeping. None of them are great at it, actually, and Lloyd may be the worst of all of them. A secret between those two was hardly a secret at all. The whole team would know about it soon enough, and there’s no point in trying to get it out of Cole now. He’ll accidentally reveal it within a few days, if Lloyd himself doesn’t, so Zane keeps quiet, sees no point in stressing Cole out with more questions he’s promised not to answer. Jay enters, still soaking wet, getting water all over the hardwood floors, kisses Nya “just ‘cause”, tells Cole the showers open and leaves again. Cole turns to Nya before he leaves, mumbles, “Just give the kid a break,” and ends their little ‘argument’.
The next chunk of time is spent with Nya rambling to Zane, all about how frustrated she is about how stressful everything’s been, but no direct reference to what ‘everything’ included, no clearer idea of what happened while they were gone. The only thing of note is that Nya’s care for injuries is much smaller than it usually is, she’s swinging around her freshly re-located shoulder like it’s nothing, getting genuinely annoyed when Zane adjusts her arm. Zane’s really only a soundboard for her, and soon enough Jay returns in his pajamas, with his own equally stressful and frustrating complaints, filled with much more anecdotes than Nya gives. The two entertain each other, bonding over their shared annoyance, only turning to Zane every once and a while for a second opinion. He doesn’t mind it, he’s never minded the two of them together, if anything, he finds their devotion to each other sweet. (He’s never understood Kai’s groans to “get a room” whenever they get too close, and Kai’s explanations never made much sense either. Jay and Nya had told Zane that Kai was ”just jealous”, Lloyd had given the equally confusing and unhelpful answer, “cooties”, and Cole said Kai was just “like that”, and that everything Jay does is “already annoying just because Jay’s the one doing it”, and told Zane not to worry about it too much. Zane’s afraid he’ll never understand, he just hopes the logic they use isn’t applied to him and Pixal now that she’s regained a body).
He’s pretty exhausted himself, and as much as he loves the team, he’d rather not have to worry about all the social hurdles that casual conversation brings. He’s glad to take a backseat. Although, as the time passes, panic begins to spark within him. It was suspicious of Lloyd to leave so suddenly, and even more so to make Cole lie, and, perhaps most notable and least emotionally driven, it’s extremely worrying that he returned with more wounds than he had when he left. They weren’t intense, just a few scratches really, but they were littered all over his arms and knees, Zane guesses they’re from digging in the rubble, if Cole’s story was true. When Lloyd’s turn for the shower arrives, Zane is the one who offers to get him. He doesn’t plan to interrogate him like he’s sure Nya or Kai will soon enough; he honestly doesn’t care about whatever object Lloyd had lost, and sees no point in making Lloyd spiral over it again when he should be getting cleaned and resting. And no, Zane isn’t “looking for answers” about what happened this past month, he’s sure he’ll be told when they’re ready to tell. But he does need to check on Lloyd, he knows this much, and if anything’s revealed along the way..well, he won’t deny himself it.
He knocks on the door and waits. No answer. The others have a tendency to barge in. Even when they knock, they hardly ever wait for an answer before they enter. Knocking is less asking permission to enter, but more a warning that they will enter, whether you like it or not. Zane makes a point to wait, he understands the need for privacy after all. He knocks again, louder, and hopes he doesn’t have to contradict himself. He understands and respects Lloyd’s privacy, and perhaps he was only taking so long because he was already preparing to shower, but… he’s clearly not doing ok, and Zane doubts Lloyd will be anywhere near ok when he does open that door. Prolonging this fact, making Zane wait like this, it makes him uneasy. He sighs, knocks again, waits a few seconds. “..Lloyd I’m going to come in. Ok?” Nothing. Zane doubts he’s being ignored. Lloyd’s always had an issue with getting lost in his own head, especially after rougher missions, and he’s most likely just dissociating again. When Zane opens the door, he’s greeted with exactly what he expected; Lloyd sitting hunched over on his bed, a near-neutral expression on his face, eyes dull and hands slightly shaking. Hands that aren’t bandaged, Zane observes, and while they aren’t actively bleeding, it doesn’t look like he washed the cuts before going to his room, cuts that definitely have dirt in them. This is the excuse Zane will use to be there, the perfect excuse, he almost worries it’s too perfect, that Lloyd will clean them, shower, and then shoo him away, thinking that was the entire reason for his visit.
Zane knocks on the doorframe to announce his presence, which again earns nothing, and then knocks again on the bed frame as he sits next to Lloyd, who, finally, flinches at the sound and turns to Zane. He smiles a little, and it’s not at all like the smiles Zanes observed before, not like his real one or his many fakes, but a newer one he must’ve developed while Zane had been away. It’s shy and small and doesn’t reach his eyes, there is no mock-confidence like his normal fake smiles, nor polite naivety or playful teasing.
“Zane, you startled me, I thought, I- um”, his smile morphs a little as he’s talking into a wider, more sheepish one as he stumbles over his words. There’s no point in making Lloyd think up some excuse for not noticing Zane sooner, they both know the real reason and both know when to hang it up.
Zane starts, giving Lloyd an out, “I came to let you know the showers open, but I also wanted to check in on you,” Lloyd stiffens at this, so Zane clarifies, “-A physical check up. I know you dislike them, but you’re definitely the most injured out of all of us after that fight. You should at least let me clean up your hands,” He keeps his tone steady and hopes Lloyd buys it. Purely logical check up with no emotional component. Clearly.
Lloyd folds his hands under his legs, suddenly embarrassed now that they’ve been pointed out, and says, matter-of-fact, “I should shower first, then. I’d take all the bandages off to get in the water anyway.” Zane nods and waits for Lloyd to stand, but he doesn’t, and Zane doesn’t either. He can feel the awkward energy pouring off of Lloyd, but he doesn’t explain or excuse himself to rid of it.
A minute goes by. Zane remembers that Lloyd was limping before, curses himself for not remembering sooner, and asks, “Can you stand?”, that’s to direct, Lloyd doesn’t like those types of questions, he would’ve remembered that if he wasn’t panicking, “I meant, do you need help?” Well that’s even worse. One of the first things you must know when talking to Lloyd is that you should never ask if he needs help. Now he’s definitely not getting anything out of him (not that information was what he was here for, Zane reminds himself, it was only an added bonus).
As Zane starts to correct himself again, Lloyd chuckles at Zane’s clumsiness, answers “It’s ok, I can stand, I think. I walked to my room when we got here, I should be fine,” but he still doesn’t move. Why not? Had Zane forgotten something, some special social cue? Was Lloyd waiting for permission? Did he want Zane to leave first? Should he? Zane doesn’t mean to make a face, but he must be, because Lloyd lowers his head in embarrassment and says, quiet, “I don’t really know either. I can get up. I will if I try. And I do want to. I think I do. I feel disgusting, I’m sure I smell, too. I should shower,” He stares at the ground, repeats, “I should shower.”
Zane sits back down next to him. He can’t say he fully understands Lloyd’s hesitation, but he’s certainly not going to judge. “You can take as long as you need, it’s no rush,” Zane hopes he’s saying the right thing. Lloyd offers a small nod and sighs. He’s incredibly young, Zane can’t help but notice, as he often does, and the observation hurts a little more every time he makes it.
“When-..when you asked if I needed help, did you mean it? Not with, um, standing up, just.. If I needed help. Would you really help me?”
What kind of question is that? When has Zane ever acted in a way to make Lloyd believe the answer would be ‘no’? “Of course I would,” he smiles, “We all would, even if you didn’t need it. If you want help, I’ll be there,”
Lloyd makes a face, one Zane has seen him make plenty of times, but has never found a name for. It’s not what he wants to hear, but also exactly what he expected. It’s confusion and fear, disappointment, but full of admiration. He keeps his head lowered as he doubles down, trying to give Zane an out, to take back his words, “Even if you don’t get anything out of it? You don’t have to be polite. I-I’m going to be, um…’like this’ for a while, I can’t guarantee anything. And I’m..it isn’t like before. I don’t think I can sleep this off. I think I’m going to need help for.. for a long time. And hard help, annoying help. I can’t-I don’t want to do that to you. And you just got back, too-” He shakes his head and stands, wobbles on his feet as he does, “Sorry, I can handle it myself, I don’t know what I was even saying, I-”
Zane stands with him, grabs Lloyd’s shoulder both to stop him from running off, and to give him something to help balance him as he sways. “I want to help you, Lloyd. Please let me.”
Lloyd leans into Zane’s shoulder before turning completely to him and pushing his head into Zane’s chest, as if trying to initiate a hug, but keeps his arms tightly wrapped around himself. Zane hums and returns the hug, trying to remain gentle while keeping a strong enough grip to hold Lloyd up, who’s gone almost limp now. Lloyd speaks, barely above a whisper, “..If you’re sure..do you remember when, um.. Before everything. When I was little. And me and Jay were having a prank war, and I had this whole deliberate plan with this catapult thing and-and water balloons filled with mud. I had a camera set up and everything. But-” he giggles, “But I set it up so they’d start launching when the door opened, and Cole walked in first instead of Jay, s-so I..”
He laughs again, it’s small and wet. Zane smiles, now realizing Lloyd’s point in telling the story, “I do remember. Quite a mistake to use mud as your weapon when fighting the master of earth, no?” He feels Lloyd nod against him. The two had been completely covered in mud by the end of it, and while Cole had been more than eager to shower right after, Lloyd refused to admit defeat. He had only been on the ship for a week or two then, still extremely distrustful of everyone, and he didn’t have a change of clothes, didn’t think he’d be offered one, so he sat on the deck caked in mud, blowing raspberries at Cole after he was ordered to go clean up.
“Fine!” Cole had said after barely any convincing at all, “If you wanna sit around covered in dirt like a pig, be my guest. You’re not my problem, pint-size!” and he rushed off to clean himself up. While Cole had said it was fine, Zane had to disagree. He and Kai had just finished their chores for the day, which included mopping the floors, and having their most energetic team member racing around the bounty trailing mud everywhere he went wasn’t ideal.
Zane, admittedly, may not have been as patient as he could’ve been. He could’ve tried to sit Lloyd down, explain why he had to go clean up, how it’d be better for everyone, as he was sure Master Wu would make Lloyd mop up any mess he did leave, and getting clean would cheer him up too, distract him from his loss in his ‘prank war’. Instead, he’d opted for the simpler answer– picking Lloyd up and hauling him into the bathroom, even as he kicked, bit, and yelled to be left alone. He’d fought it the whole way through getting changed out of his clothes and rinsed off, but by the time Zane had set up the bubble bath, he seemed a little less angry. He’d been suspicious of it, asked if Zane was serious, if the water was boiling hot, if there were piranhas hiding beneath the soapy surface, if it was poisoned (this made Zane giggle. Why would Lloyd worry about poisoning, had he been planning to drink this water?), and didn’t seem convinced even after Zane had assured him it was ok, that he had no intention of betraying Lloyd and joining the ‘prank war’. It was only after Zane had entered the bath himself, to prove that it was safe, that Lloyd finally believed him. He’d intended to leave the moment Lloyd got in, but Lloyd had asked him to stay, to help. He, of course, hadn’t been direct about it, making some excuse about it being faster with the two of them, about Zane also getting dirty when he’d picked Lloyd up, and that Zane wouldn’t be able to sneak anything in the water if he stayed put.
“Would you like me to join you again?” Zane asks now, keeping his voice low. He finds no shame in the request, but he understands it’s not something people ask for very often, especially people as reserved as Lloyd, who gives a small nod, still facing the ground,
“Will you keep it a secret?”
“You’ve nothing to be embarrassed about. But if you want me to, of course I can,” He pulls back so he can look Lloyd in the eyes as he says it, “I promise.”
-
Zane starts the shower just as he had the last time, 9 years ago. He’d wanted Lloyd to rinse off all the dirt and grime beforehand, and start the actual bath after. Lloyd sits on the closed toilet seat as he waits, slowly undressing himself. He takes a while, struggles during every step (particularly while untying his obi, even with his claws helping him dig under the knot, he wrestles with it for nearly a minute). Zane glances back a few times, but never directly moves to help– he doesn’t want to seem patronizing. Lloyd keeps his boxers on but takes everything else off, leaving it neatly folded on the sink next to him. The action brings Zane a small smile; he hadn’t been nearly as considerate the last time, flinging his clothes against the wall in rebuttal as he changed. Zane attempts to check the temperature of the water, but he’s always had a hard time with that- everything seems ‘too hot’ against his cold metal skin, so he tries to bring it to a default 37 C, a direct temperature, a measurement he can trust when his own senses move against him. Still, when Lloyd sticks a cautionary hand underneath, he hisses and murmurs, “cold” before attempting to ‘suck it up’ and enter anyway. Zane stops him, begins to adjust the water, waiting for Lloyd to give the ok. “Only if it’s not too much to ask”, Lloyd said. There was little that Lloyd could ask for, in this moment, that Zane would deem as “too much”.
It goes by quickly, even with Lloyd clinging onto Zane’s arm for support, it’s only a few minutes until Lloyd is rinsed and waiting again, sitting on the edge of the tub as the bath slowly fills. Zane searches around the cabinet for a bath bomb before defeatedly using the normal body wash to create the bubble bath. Why they would own a bath bomb, he isn’t sure, the team almost always showers over bathing, and perhaps it was ‘childish’, but still. They had had one the first time. Disappointing…but a glance back to Lloyd makes him certain of two things: one- Lloyd couldn’t care less how the bubbles were made, or even if there were bubbles at all, which is relieving, and two- Zane should not be acting in silence as he has been so far. He and Lloyd are both not great at small talk, at most “social” behaviors, it’s something they’ve always appreciated with each other. Not needing to fill the space around them with conversation as they must around the others, finding comfort in the silence that the others deem “awkward”. Sitting, thinking together, him and Lloyd, has always calmed him down. Now, however, was not a good time to let Lloyd sit and think, not when the thoughts he’s having are anything but helpful. He’s begun dissociating again, looking just as uncomfortable as he was when Zane found him, if not a little worse.
Zane shuts the water off, satisfied with his job, and taps him on the shoulder, as gently as he can. Lloyd still jumps and lets out a little “eep!” before apologizing and turning to the water, “You sure this is ok? If I’m asking to much I-”
“I’m sure.”
He enters, and Lloyd keeps an eye on him as he does, just as he had all those years ago, as if he’s expecting something to come jumping out of the water at him, even after watching Zane set it all up right in front of him. He watches for a moment longer before nodding to himself and entering, almost immediately wincing as he tries to bend down to sit, a scab on his leg skidding across the smooth porcelain tub. Zane still hasn’t scanned him, he’s waiting until after, when they’re down in the med bay with as many bandages and braces as Zane could wish for, but he can’t say he thinks the check-up will go quickly once it does happen. There’s some type of bruise or cut nearly everywhere on Lloyd’s body, and none of the fresher ones seem to be properly taken care of.
Zane pauses, deciding whether or not to comment on it, but before he can, Lloyd turns around and starts looking for the shampoo. The normal shampoo, that is, buried under 50 different haircare products that belong to Kai, all in significantly smaller, but more expensive, containers, and all almost certainly scams, Zane’s sure, though he’s not one to comment on Kai’s financial decisions. Each time a new one appears, Kai shouts at the team not to touch it, that it’s his and he wants every last drop, which always leads to a group-bashing, comments on how no one wanted to use the stuff in the first place. Cole, apparently, has been using some of it, not because he believes it works any better than normal shampoo, but because he wants to know if Kai will notice it’s running out quicker. He shared the prank as a secret with Zane, giggling as he told him, and Zane can’t say he isn’t entertained by the thought, Kai distraught over the loss only for Cole to be the cause. Zane’s not sure Cole will last that long to reach the pay off of this prank though, the shampoo has a very distinct honey smell, and Cole, as previously mentioned, is a horrible liar. He may get caught before Kai even notices he’s running low.
Zane takes the shampoo from Lloyd’s hands, who’s intensely blushing now, embarrassed again over the whole ordeal, but, thankfully, not embarrassed enough to kick Zane out. He gently scrubs, tries to keep his attention on Lloyd’s hair and not the large scabs and bruises littering his back beneath it. They’re recent, only a month old, from when he’d been launched through the walls in his fight in Kyptarium. It hadn’t left anything deep, it wasn’t like a jab from a dagger, but it had torn his skin up, exposing the raw, bloody layer of fresh skin beneath. It wasn’t healing horribly, it wouldn't scar, save a few deeper cuts where rubble had jabbed into him, but– No. Zane is meant to be focusing on Lloyd’s hair, he reminds himself. There’s some gray strands mixed with the blonde, which is...worrying, considering Lloyd’s age, but not an issue specific to him, in fact, he’s sure the whole team has gained a few, given the stress they’re always under. Zane himself may have some as well, if he could grow hair to begin with, and, well, if his hair weren’t already a titanium grey. Lloyd’s hair has gotten much longer this past year, long enough that Zane’s seen him wearing it in a bun from time to time. He’s really only kept up with trimming his bangs, and even those were beginning to get too long, though Zane doubts that’s Lloyd’s preference, he probably just hasn’t gotten around to cutting them. He’s had more..pressing issues lately, anyway.
Soon enough, Zane’s rinsed his hair and moved onto washing Lloyd’s body, again, as gentle as he can, extra careful around his injuries. When Zane asks Lloyd to turn around after finishing his back, he doesn’t receive an answer. Right! Zane was meant to be speaking, to keep Lloyd grounded. How had he so easily forgotten? He taps Lloyd on the shoulder, has to tap a few times to get his attention, before he finally turns and apologizes. He didn’t jump this time when he finally had snapped out of it, but Zane still feels guilty over it. Better think of something to say, Zane tells himself as he takes Lloyd’s arm, searching his mind for anything that could stay a ‘light conversation topic’ while still being relevant enough for Lloyd to not immediately see through him, which-
Zane pauses his thoughts, examines a cluster of fresher injuries on Lloyd’s arm, trying to tell himself that he was misinterpreting what he was seeing, though a closer look only proves his fear. To orderly, to neat, to intentional, to be anything but. And too recent to be the older ones, the ones he’d already talked to Lloyd about, the ones from years ago, the ones Lloyd had promised to never make again. He’d broken that promise. Lloyd had relapsed while Zane had been in the First Realm.
Lloyd averts his eyes the moment he notices Zane’s paused, and he winces and shuts his eyes completely when Zane speaks, “Lloyd. You-” he sighs, this was the last thing he was expecting to talk about today, “Did you think I would not notice these?”
He turns his head down, not daring to meet Zane’s firm gaze, “I thought they’d blend in with the old ones. And I..” he bites his lip, “I didn’t think you’d ever see them..when The Bounty was destroyed, I-..I thought you were..” He squeezes his eyes even further shut. Lloyd thought that Zane and the others were...were dead? There must have been some conversation, between then and their return, where Lloyd had found out they were still alive. But even then, Zane can’t help but feel a little betrayed. His “death”, real or not, did not negate the promise Lloyd made him. He hadn’t relapsed the first time Zane had been presumed dead, at least Zane doesn’t think so, so why now? Was he only keeping the promise because he knew Zane would hold him to it, or that one of the others would catch him? Had he been waiting to relapse, waiting for an out, an opportunity? Was now, with only two pairs of watchful eyes baring into him instead of his usual seven, his best chance of getting away with it? When Zane had made him promise not to hurt himself again, he had hoped for Lloyd to, eventually, not feel bound by it. For him to realize after a while that he had no need to hurt himself, that nothing good came from it, that he was better off not doing it. The phrase seems harsh, but Zane had fully believed that, after a few years, Lloyd had “gotten over it”, and had found new, healthier ways to cope. This whole time, Lloyd had only gotten worse, had wanted that escape more than ever, and Zane hadn’t even noticed, too busy celebrating Lloyd’s lack of acting on those thoughts to realize Lloyd had been thinking them to begin with. How could he be so naive?
Zane sighs, tries his hardest to seem calm as Lloyd’s now starting to shake under his hold, “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. But- but you promised me you’d come to someone. Why didn’t you tell Nya, or Pixal, or even your mother? They would’ve listened,” he squeezes Lloyd’s hand, keeping his voice steady and unaccusatory “You know they would listen, yes?”
Lloyd opens his eyes but keeps them down, “...it wasn’t really..I..” he cringes at himself, upset that he can’t find the right words, “We thought all of you were gone. And it was my fault. And I think they..they thought it was my fault, too. Even if it was subconscious, they did blame me. And they were right to,” he adds quickly, in their defense, “The-the whole thing, really, was my fault. Was I really supposed to- to-” he scoffs, “to tell Nya, ‘hey, I know our entire family, your brother, your real brother, and your boyfriend are dead because of me, and we can’t even go home to cry about it because you might get caught and hurt, or-or worse, for even associating with me, but I think I want to give myself some release that might leave a mark, can you stop crying for a sec to convince me to stop feeling sad?’ And you..you saw how bad I got messed up from that fight? Was I supposed to act fine with those injuries, but then throw a fit over a few cuts?” He’s close to crying now, and he looks very unhappy about that fact, but he begins again, to keep rambling, to keep making self-destroying excuses, and Zane refuses to hear another word.
Before he has the chance to speak, Zane starts, “Lloyd. I am not angry with you. Take a breath,” He nods complies, makes the mistake of closing his eyes as he does, which begins to release the tears he’d been holding back. Zane waits for Lloyd to collect himself before asking, “Do you think you’ll do it again? Be honest with me.”
Lloyd breathes, goes quiet for a moment, really considering. He shakes his head no, “I know you’ll find out if I do. I don’t want to make you sad,”
“And if I have to leave again? If we have to leave again, will you be ok on your own?”
His face twists at the thought of being left again, and he, again, takes a moment to answer, letting his tears freely fall. He sniffles and whispers, “I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m sorry,” He uses his free hand to wipe at his face, then grabs the discarded soap bar that’s been floating around them and begins to wash himself.
Zane knows he should say something. Maybe something about how the hypothetical doesn’t matter, because Zane, of course, has no intention of leaving Lloyd again. But he hadn’t had that intention the first time either. He can’t guarantee his presence and he can’t guarantee Lloyd’s life will treat him kindly in Zane’s absence. He is sure of nothing. The thought is horrifying, and it’s only satiated by the even worse thought; he can guarantee something. He can guarantee that Lloyd will, always and forever, be the Green Ninja. That he will always be the target of attack, he will always be this realm's strongest defender, he will always be tied to danger, and hurt, and pain. He has no escape. The thought is cruel, too cruel for Zane to allow himself to linger on a moment longer.
So Zane sighs and releases Lloyd’s hand, takes the soap out of his other hand and picks up where Lloyd left off, moving in near silence, only interrupted by the occasional sniffle.
“I don’t want to make you sad,” Lloyd repeats after a few minutes pass, “and it would make you sad if I did it again, even if- even if you never see it. The thought makes you sad. So I won’t. I’ll try not to. For you,”
That isn’t at all ideal, Zane wishes Lloyd would realize he should be doing this for himself, but at least he’s found something, some compromise, which Zane, uselessly, hadn’t been able to find.
Zane knows the idea will be shot down, but he also knows now he’s not nearly as adept as he needs to be for such a complex situation. And Lloyd had been right, helping him is a long, hard task, one that Zane alone cannot bear. He was given four protectors for a reason, after all. “Perhaps I should tell the others about this. Not about how it came up, not about your past, or even about your recent continuation but- but just that you’ve been thinking of it. I’m afraid I only know so much, and-” he lets out a dry scoff, “you know I’m not known for my handling of emotions. I know it seems scary, and I know you do not want to worry us. But I know that your problems- not just this, but everything, are far too big for you to handle alone,” he adds, quieter, apologetic, “And too big for me alone to share with you. All of us want to help you. Can you let us?”
Lloyd wipes his eyes again and, surprisingly, nods.
“Thank you,” Zane sighs, “you have no idea how glad that makes me,” Lloyd is confused by the words, but he doesn’t argue, just keeps his eyes low and nods again.
The first time, when Zane had first caught Lloyd cutting himself, was rough, only a week and some after he had been aged by Tomorrow's Tea. He’d wanted control over his body, his life, again, and used his dagger to gain that control. He’d explained to Zane then that he’d been doing this for a while, just scratching at himself with his claws, but that now he was older, he was tougher, he was a “big kid”, who needed greater release. He didn’t understand what the issue was back then, even as Zane had gone through as much as he could to put it into simple words, into something someone Lloyd’s age was sure to understand, he still couldn’t grasp it. He couldn’t wrap his head around why Zane would care what Lloyd did to his own body- it wasn’t like he was hurting anyone by doing it, no one but himself, and it’s not like it was bad enough to affect his fighting skills. They kept him around so he could fulfill his role in the final battle, and he could do that regardless of his cuts, so why get upset over it? Lloyd had asked Zane what they planned to do with him when this was all over. When the prophecy was fulfilled, the one they thought would be years in the future, now thrust into the present, what point would there be in keeping Lloyd around?
“There doesn’t need to be a ‘point’- you are our brother and you are always welcome to stay. You are a wonderful ninja, and the end of the prophecy doesn’t have to mean the end of our adventures. In fact, I don’t want it to. I enjoy our time together,” that’s what Zane had tried to explain while dressing Lloyd’s wounds, but he had only doubled down,
“You don’t have to lie, it’s ok. I know I’ve been a handful already,” he bites his lip, “And anyways, when I… kill… when Garmadon’s defeated, the ‘balance will be restored’, right? That’s what Uncle says. Things have been bad, but soon they’ll be good, and there won’t be any need for me anymore. There won’t be no more fighting…” Zane didn’t understand how the two correlated at all before remembering, as he now had to consciously try to do while adjusting to speaking with the physically older Lloyd, that Lloyd is a nine-year-old boy. One who dropped out of elementary school, one who wasn’t doing much reading in that school to begin with, one whose vocabulary was built from what those around him said, not on actual understanding of those words. When Lloyd had first entered the bounty Zane had, out of curiosity really, made Lloyd take some tests, only to find he had a first-grade reading level–less than ideal, considering he was two years away from middle school. He was scraping by pretty well considering this, but he very rarely understands what is being said to him, or what he himself says. He understands the feeling he wants to get across, the general idea of the sentence, but not the words individually.
“Lloyd, can you tell me the meaning of the word ‘balance’?” Zane hadn’t meant to sound patronizing, but Lloyd still took offense, looking down and trying to pull his arms out of Zane’s grip,
“I’m not a little kid anymore,” that was hardly true, “I know what stuff means, I’m not stupid. And I pay attention to what Uncle says, too!”
“I know, and you pay attention well. But I believe you’re misunderstanding his words a little. Can you try to explain them? Humor me?”
Lloyd tried one last wiggle before he gave up and let Zane continue to hold his arms, “I dunno it means um.. Good things. Balance..” he hummed, trying to remember other instances of it being used, “Cole says it. When we’re doing his dance classes. He says I need to balance,”
Zane nodded, “And what do you think he means when he asks you to balance?”
“Um..’do better’? Be ‘good’-er? And then he tells me to fix where I hold my arms, cause I’ll fall. He says it’ll be harder for me now that I’m bigger,” The last part was added in a mumble, a one-off complaint, but it was the closest Lloyd’s gotten to the true definition. Lloyd pouted at Zane’s amusement, rolled his eyes and defeatedly said, “I’m wrong, right? What is it?”
“You aren’t completely wrong. Balance is a good thing to have, and to be. But it isn’t goodness itself. Balance is the even distribution of weight, enabling someone to remain upright and steady,” Lloyd, as Zane expected, cocked his head at Zane’s words, his complex and literal definition clearing nothing up for him. He smiled at Lloyd’s confusion before continuing, “It means, when things are the same for both sides. When Cole tells you to balance, he means for you to make one side of your body match the other, so you have a better chance to prevent yourself from falling. What do you think Master Wu means, then, if that is what balance is?”
“...There’s more bad than good right now and when…when we fight, we’ll take away some of the bad, and be even again?”
Zane’s delighted that Lloyd understood, even with the somber look on his face, “Exactly right. And that means there will still be lots of bad things and bad people, people that we need to fight. It just means that we’ll have a better chance at winning, we’ll have a fairer chance,”
“But..but I don’t want to fight anymore. You’re making me do-” his face scrunched up, “do all this, and it won’t even matter. We’ll still have to fight and people will still get hurt. It won’t even help anything!”
“It… it will change things Lloyd. I promise you it will. And you don’t need to fight alongside us anymore, after you win the final battle, if you’d prefer to stop. But if you don’t fight your father, then the bad will take away from us, more and more, until there’s nothing left on our side. And we’ll lose completely, forever”
Lloyd shrugged, “I’m gonna do it. You don’t have to convince me. But what’s the point of winning this one if we’ll just have to fight again, and risk losing, again? Always. At least, when we lose, we know it’s over,” he whispered, “I just want it to be over.”
He is pulled out of his thoughts at the sound of Lloyd draining the tub, having finished up in the time that Zane wasted thinking, washing him on ‘autopilot’, when he could’ve been talking things out, helping. A guilt begins twisting itself into Zane as Lloyd winces trying to stand. Zane grabs him and sets him back down on the edge of the tub and gets him a towel. “Stay here while I get you some clothes. Don’t try to dry off if it hurts too much. I’ll be back in just a moment to help,” he smiles and leaves, certain that Lloyd won’t heed Zane’s warning, that he’ll return to a more in-pain and slightly drier Lloyd.
As he exits, he bumps into a grouchy Kai, who seemed to be camping out in front of the bathroom, “Zane? Are you serious, you’ve been in there the whole time? Did Lloyd already shower? You know it was my turn next! You took, like, an hour you-” Zane shushes Kai and drags him into Lloyd’s room. He was being far too loud for Zane’s liking, loud enough for Lloyd to overhear from the bathroom and feel guilty over. Kai looks around Lloyd’s empty room and turns back to Zane, “Were you looking at his wounds or something? Cause that’s fine and all, but you still could’ve done it in the med bay, y’know? And you’re wet by the way, was being hosed down a part of the exam? Cause I’ve been waiting all night,”
“..Not quite what I was doing, but I do plan to examine his wounds soon in the med bay,” Zane hopes to leave it at that. He does plan to tell the others about Lloyd’s cuts, yes, but he’d promised to keep the bath itself a secret. Of course, Kai is still agitated and nosey,
“Then what were you doing?”
“...” Zane busies himself looking for Lloyd’s pajamas, and, though it feels redundant, looking through any possible hiding spots for blades. Being a ninja obviously required weapons, and Zane’s sure that if Lloyd did break his promise again, he wouldn’t falter at the loss of a smaller blade, just using one of their real weapons instead. In fact, that first time, Lloyd had been using a real weapon. Still, the thought of one being so easy to access worries Zane. He finds nothing, sighs and grabs a loose fitting shirt he believes belongs to Cole but has been misplaced into Lloyd’s dresser (stolen), and long wool pants.
Kai scoffs at Zane’s non-answer, “Is the kid making everyone he talks to make a vow of silence? This is getting annoying..”
“A vow of secrecy more like, but yes, it seems so. Truthfully, I see no gain in keeping it a secret, but there’s little loss in not telling you, and I’d prefer not to break his trust. It’s nothing worrying. Well, nothing more worrying than his usual behavior, at least,” He adjusts his grip on the clothes, holding them tight against his chest, “He’ll be out soon, just keep an ear out for the door, alright?”
Kai considers this for a moment before nodding, “Fine, but next time he has a heart-to-heart with me, if he asks me to keep it a secret, I’m slapping him upside the head,” Zane can’t tell if Kai’s joking, and he’s gone before he can ask for clarification.
Lloyd has, surprisingly, not moved at all from his spot, and is still dripping wet. He looks up when Zane enters, smiles, and it seems more genuine than the rest have been this night. Zane smiles back and begins to dry him in silence, still feeling awkward from the place they’d left off, but Lloyd seems much calmer now, and sighs while Zane pats down his hair, “You were right. This hurts a lot less than it would’ve if I did it myself,”
“I’m glad you’ve accepted it,” Zane hums.
Loyd draws a hand up to cover his mouth and yawns, long and deserved before mumbling, “‘Accepted’ is a strong word. But I can understand it now, I think,”
“That’s good enough for me,”