Chapter Text
When you see him like this for the very first time, strung up like a coat or a piece of equipment, covered in royal tyrian biowires and forced into a sedation induced catatonic state, something inside you breaks. You have seen helmstrolls before and while the sight had always been unsettling, it is only now that you understand how nauseating it truly is. Your insides revolt and bile rises up your nutrition chute. You only barely manage to swallow it down.
Much more bitter than seeing him like this is the fact that it’s your fault he ended up in this position. You failed him. You are to blame.
“You can’t be serious! We’re only a few cycles worth of travel from the next outpost, we can get a new helmstroll there!”
Hardened violet eyes move from a screen to focus on you, impossibly cold and almost bored..
“My decision is final, Eridan. We cannot afford risking it. Our helm is down and our emergency systems will only hold for so long. I know he was your quadrant but you will get over it. The ship takes priority.”
You’re torn between stepping forward and turning away and never looking back. There is no way you can face him now, not like this.
You try to swallow down another knot in your chagrin tunnel. It feels like it’s blocking the air into your lungs and your gills flutter painfully as if that would do anything but dry them out faster and rip the wounds open once again.
Directly behind you, you can hear a beep, the signal that doors make when something is blocking them from closing, like your worthless sack of flesh that’s still standing there like a moron.
The noise rips you out of your paralysis for a moment, long enough that you take a few steps forward and let the door slide shut. It seems you have made your choice.
“That’s ridiculous, our systems will hold easily and we can get a helmstroll that is actually trained. He doesn’t even have any implants! Are you plannin’ on shovin’ them into his husk all at once?”
The captain laughs at you. You don’t like her laugh. It’s old, raspy and cruel, just like her. She is a seadweller like you but has many, many centuries on you. Sometimes, when you’re alone, you wonder if you will age to be like her at some point and you shudder in disgust.
“Oh Eridan, how naive you are. Goes to show that you are still barely more than a wiggler. Do you really think they will let any yellowblood go to space without putting in some implants during the initial health check? Did you never bother to take a closer look at his body while you two were naked? The signs were all there, you just missed them.”
There is a loud rushing sound inside your aural clots. It almost sounds like the sea during a storm, overtaking your senses with its might.
You don’t remember the moment when you move to attack her.
He doesn’t move as you approach, doesn’t talk or nod or even twitch. It’s almost like he is dead, but you know he isn’t because there is a monitor nearby that displays all of his vitals. Blood pusher rate. Oxygen levels in his blood. Nutrient uptake. Brain activity. Psionics output.
They reduced him to a list of stats. A tool. A battery. The closer you step, the more real it becomes.
Dread has settled within you and is joined by a deep despair. What are you going to do? What can you do? Is this even still him? Or did they wipe his mind and only left whatever functions are needed for his new role?
“Sol?”
Your own voice sounds like a stranger to you.
You do not care for close combat. Much like your ancestor, your calling has always been shooting rifles. You are good at it, despite bitter tongues attributing your deadliness to the might of your weapon rather than your skill. But you are a seadweller and thus, killing is as much a part of your DNA as swimming. Even if you do not care for it, you cannot unlearn it. In the end, it doesn’t matter if it’s close or ranged combat.
There is, however, a problem. Your opponent is a seadweller just like you and she has both age and experience on her side that you cannot match with anger and the explosive strength of youth alone.
And so, you end up on the floor with a blade pressing against your throat, right over the gills because that’s your weak point. She knows this, of course she does. You should have gone for her gills when you lunged at her but you didn’t because all you paid attention to was the angry white noise inside your pan that made you act out of pure rage. The rage that was left when the hope within you withered.
You didn’t even know that you could act like that. You never had before. Your lungs burn as you gasp for breath. The fighting spirit within you has not died yet.
There is no answer. Of course there isn’t.
What did you think? That Sollux would wake up and start chatting with you casually as if nothing had happened? Don’t be ridiculous. Even if he did wake up, he would probably just tell you to fuck off.
This is your fault after all. He is here because you failed as his kismesis, or matesprit, or whatever it was you ended up being. You failed to protect him when he needed you most.
What can you give him now but cheap apologies?
Even so, you cannot just leave without saying anything. You are not heartless. You are not like her. Not yet.
When you have crossed the room and stand right in front of Sollux, close enough to touch, you can feel a sharp prick in your eyes.
“I’m sorry,” you say.
“Let me go! You fuckin’ bitch! I’ll rip your throat out!”
You’re thrashing and hissing and spitting, the rage inside you still spurring you on despite the futility of the situation, despite the sharp pain you feel when the razor sharp steel of the captain’s dagger bites into your gills, ripping apart some of your most sensitive skin and drawing precious violet blood.
But no matter how much you fight against her hold, it’s useless. Her strength surpasses yours by far. She regards you with ice in her glare.
“You’re lucky I need a successor or I would cull you right now. Insolent brat.”
Then, the glint in her eyes changes. The violet seems darker, like an almost blueish purple. It finally makes you go still, even if it does nothing to soothe you. On the contrary, you cannot read her face anymore at all.
“Arrogant, selfish wiggler. Do you think you’re the only one who ever lost a lover to the helm?”
“I’m sorry- I- I tried but she wouldn’t listen to me and-”
As if that matters. As if it isn’t completely pathetic that you picked a fight with the captain and lost. Nothing you say will ever be enough of an excuse and you know it. There is no point in continuing.
There is no point in being here, really. And yet you can’t bring yourself to turn away.
You reach out with your hand and touch his cheek. He is cold. Not as cold as you but you can tell it’s much cooler than the warmth you have gotten so used to. The warmth you never wanted to be without again.
You can also feel a slight current going through him. It feels like the low whirring noise that fills the entire block, prickling your skin not quite enough to be uncomfortable. The ship must be going at a slow pace right now. You know that when they are speeding up to hyperdrive, Sollux will start screaming, no matter how gone his mind already is. All helmstrolls scream. You wonder if especially cruel highbloods left this feature in on purpose.
There is nothing you can do for him. And eventually, you will have to leave and go back to your own block. It will be empty and cold, much like Sollux.
Realization hits you like an imperial warship at maximum velocity.
“I don’t know what to do now. You’re all I have left.”
Your throat closes up again and the sharp sting in your eyes finally overflows, leaving a wet trail on your cheek.
“I’m sorry.”
“But then why-” you can’t believe what you heard. How can she just admit this to you as if that would help? It only makes you angrier but this anger sits heavy and cold in your acid bladder.
“Why do this to me if you know how much it hurts?”
“Because this isn’t about you, boy. We needed a new helmstroll and your kismesis had the right specs. I’m old. I have had more quadrants than I can count and all of them died before me. He is a lowblood. He will be gone sooner than you will finish your next molt. It will hurt either way. You just have to learn to accept it and move on.”
You can no longer endure the awful look in her eyes and turn your head to the side. Her blade bites even deeper into your throat but you don’t care.
“You’re a seadweller, Eridan. Your life is worth more than a thousand lowbloods because you will still be there long after them, serving the empire and paying back what it gave to you hundredfold. That is why you have privilege. That is why you are valuable. The color of your blood is a badge of honor, but only if you are useful and if you become who you were meant to be. Say goodbye to whatever romanticized wiggler dreams you had. You’re an adult now, start acting like one.”
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry-”
Now that you started you can’t stop anymore. It’s like a dam was broken and the flood is ripping you apart from the inside. You press your eyes shut and lean your forehead against Sollux’s chest. You can feel the slow beat of his blood pusher like this. It should be soothing, it usually is, but now it only reminds you that you are crying on an empty shell. They don’t leave helmstrolls conscious anymore, not after many of them had tried to rebel or kill themselves. Now they are all in an eternal coma until the moment their bodies break apart.
“I’m a failure, a complete waste a space, you were right, I am the worst kismesis. Ever. And the worst matesprit. And whatever other quadrants we were smearin’ on the way. You were right about everything. I failed. And now I’m alone and you’re as good as dead.”
You sob. The last time you cried like this was when Feferi was suddenly gone one evening without a trace, leaving behind only a short message telling you not to look for her.
“I hate it, Sol. I hate bein’ a seadweller and not even bein’ able to protect one fuckin’ troll. The one troll who stayed with me after all that other shit happened.”
After everyone went their own way or vanished or ended up on a completely different ship.
You are lonely. You are so very lonely and Sollux was the only one who could ease this loneliness when all of your other friends were gone. But now you might as well just die of loneliness.
You remember the captain’s words. You remember how bitter and cold she has become after so many centuries.
“I hate bein’ a seadweller.”
You hate that this will be your fate. That you can do nothing about it.
There is an alert coming from the machine that monitors Sollux’s vitals, a high pitched beeping noise not unlike the one that the door made. You look up, fearing that something is wrong, just to almost fall over in shock.
The screen is blank, save for a message written in a very familiar shade of yellow.
dude, can you maybe 2top gettiing 2not all over my helm2man2uiit? they’ll have two 2triip me and put on a new one and no one want2 that, lea2t of all me.
“Can’t we… still go to the outpost, get a replacement and then take So- my kismesis out a there?”
You’re quieter now. You have lost your drive and your fighting spirit. All that is left is a frosty emptiness that hatches in your chest and spreads throughout your system. This is a last attempt, a quiet plea for mercy, to not take him from you.
There is a pause and you fear to turn your head towards the captain again because she might be looking at you with pity. The gross, platonic kind. The kind that you might have for a troll on the brink of death before you kill them to put them out of their misery.
“You know I can’t do that. Once a helmstroll has been installed, they lose their right to trollhood and cannot regain it. We have to use him until he dies or cull him now. Is that what you want? If you want him not to suffer for long, I can grant him this mercy but it will cost you. You will have to buy the replacement yourself.”
You knew it. You knew that this is what she would say. You honestly don’t know which option would be more cruel.
“I’ll… have to think about it.”
You read the message and then read it again and then a third time just to make sure that you aren’t hallucinating.
“Sol????”
2up.
“Don’t just fuckin’ “sup” me!”
You glare at both Sollux’ body and the monitor in quick succession.
“How about answerin’ some fuckin’ questions instead?! What? Why?? How???”
ehehehe, iim ju2t that good. they thought they put me under but actually ii managed to hack my con2ciiou2ne22 diirectly iinto the 2y2tem.
“And why didn’t you say so sooner? I was worried about you!”
what, and mii22 gettiing two 2ee you become all 2appy and cry over me?
btw not even troll leonardo dii capriio could’ve deliivered a better performance. that part about you hatiing beiing a 2eadweller? troll o2car worthy, KK would’ve criied.
Your cheeks flush an embarrassed shade of violet and you quickly wipe your eyes, not sure whether you’re more glad that he is still conscious, in some way, or angry that he is making fun of you for having been vulnerable in front of him.
“Fuck you Sol, I was bein’ serious.”
ii know. but you’re an iidiiot ED, iit wa2n’t your fault. don’t blame your2elf, you diid what you could. not even your 2eadweller priiviilege can do everythiing.
“Well if it can’t even save you from bein’ turned into… this, then it’s worth exactly jack and shit.”
A sigh. It sounds defeated.
“Fine. I’m not completely unreasonable. You are young, after all. When the installation is done you can go visit him. Say your goodbyes. But don’t expect him to be able to answer you. And if you tamper with him, I will find out and pull out every single one of your nails one by one. Understood?”
You don’t answer. You don’t know if you want to see Sollux like this. If you can stomach it.
The dagger is lifted off your throat and clatters to the floor next to you. The next thing you know, a strong hand is gripping your hair and forcing your head to turn towards the captain.
“I asked you a question, brat.”
This gesture feels almost black, except you refuse to think of it that way. As if you would ever… with someone like that. Gross. She is everything you hate, in a completely platonic way.
“Understood.”
“Good. Now scram, I still have actual work to do.”
you’re hurt. who diid thii2 two you?
You reach for your neck just to find that you are bleeding again and you wince at the pain that flares up when you touch your torn gill.
“I had a… disagreement with the captain. Turns out she is a lot stronger than me.”
wow ii could’ve told you that, you’re a moron.
“I couldn’t just quietly accept her decision like this! I had to… try, at the very least.” You frown at Sollux’s body.
“And I just decided that I’m not givin’ up, now that I know you're still there.”
not giiviing up on what?
“You, obviously. I’m gettin’ you out a there. Just you wait.”
yeah iif you’re on the ca2e ii’m defiiniitely doomed.
but, ED?
“What?”
The screen stays black for a while as if Sollux is debating with himself on whether he wants to answer or not.
urgh fuck it. 2ince you already criied on me and 2hit ii have no excu2e. brace your2elf for iincomiing 2ap.
thank you. when ii 2aiid that kk wouldve criied? ii probably wouldve teared up two, iif ii 2tiill could. you’re kiind of al2o all ii have left iin thii2 mii2erable liife, 2o promii2e me not two get your2elf kiilled.
only iim allowed two do that.
Oh, now your collapsing and expanding bladder based aquatic vascular system is all up in a knot. You have to do something to save him, nothing else matters to you.
Not the empire or whatever seahorseshit the captain was spouting.
You would rather live a short and dangerous life than suffer for hundreds, thousands of sweeps and grow into someone you don’t even want to look at in the mirror.
You are an adult now, so indeed you will have to act like one and make an important decision.
You grin at the monitor, showing off your teeth.
“Don’t worry, I’m not so easy to kill.”
ii’d be more iincliined two beliieve you iif you weren’t bleediing from your gill2 riight now.
Oh. Right. Maybe you should do something about that first. And THEN you will hatch a plan. The best plan.