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The stream of the library quietly trickled down, providing a soft ambience to go along with the sound of a quill against paper. Bella wrote quietly, sitting in her chair, legs drawn up against herself, knees braced against the table, her boots on her chair. She clearly wasn't using the table for its intended purpose…
Which was, well, to write. Instead, she used her legs to hold the book as she wrote her newest journal entry.
Ozymandias and Parasite.
I've been seeing them a lot more recently. They've complimented me, helped me, given me things… invited me to the cult.
An offer not given freely.
It's been a lot, but what I couldn't help but focus on these past few days is… the Shadowthorn bush.
Ozymandias gave it to me with no hesitation. Saying it's their favorite flower… I like it. A lot.
No wonder why there's a bunch around in the old cult base, which, I wonder if they'd ever tell me where their actual cult base is.
I swear I wouldn't tell anyone if they tell me not to.
Either way, I was reaching a dead end in my writing. It felt tiring to continue. I've just felt so… alone.
I haven't felt this hopeless in a while. A long while. The alone part is typical for me, though.
I criss-cross my legs instead, sitting up straighter and placing my book upon the purple desk table I have set up. It's probably the most colorful item I have in here, which isn't saying a lot.
After I skimmed the book a couple of times, double-checking what I wrote… I stopped.
Closing the book and leaving it on the table, I get up and walk towards the exit of the library. Keeping my eyes down as I run up the stairs, and go straight to the waystone. I know it runs on Unknown's magic and power, supposedly making her stronger each time we use it, but I don't particularly mind. So I use it anyway, and take myself to the Death Gardens.
I feel sick, nauseous, from the teleporting, but it only takes a few moments before I'm back to standing tall. Desperately, I try to step over the wither roses, not feeling like experiencing the pain of withering again… for the 4th time this week…
Heading onto the purple floral pathway, I make my way to the tree. A pine tree. One, ironically enough, given to me by Pine. By far, they're my favorite out of Astral's children. Not that I'm trying to pick favorites, but it just so happens that I've barely talked to the others, aside from Grass. The thing is with Grass though… is that he bolted from me the second he got the chance, which sucks.
I let my eyes wander for a bit before they settle on the one thing different from the rest. Everything else is colorful, floral, and sweet.
Yet, the only thing I look at is the shadowthorn.
Yeti knows who gave it to me, and she knows what it means.
Or well- at least the meaning that it's a bush strongly associated with the cult.
But to me, it's a gift from Ozymandias. One I cherish and plan to keep. It makes me think… maybe I was too quick in my assumptions? What if Ozymandias really isn't just out for themselves?
What if I'm the one being judgmental.
I can't lie though, I do like the thought of… maybe they're not so bad.
It takes me a moment, but I walk up to the tree, looking up into the leaves, and then gazing back down at the shadowthorn. Within a moment, I settle down on the ground beside the plant, watching over it quietly, contentedly. My hand goes up to brush one of its ever-shaded leaves, just a gentle graze, and there's a smile on my lips… slow, small, but there.
It's not like one of the plants we'd usually see, but I know Melody would love to see this. Or at least… love to see the plant… under different circumstances…
A frown forms on my lips, and I look away. Hand falling back down beside me.
What would she say?
She was told everything I was told back then, but it never felt right. She knew that it never felt right. There was always something off, and she was the one to mention it first.
I left home because of the points she made before her death.
What if this grand plan isn't the answer?
So many people end up… dying.
And yet, here I am, indulging in the simple, withering life that a member of the Cult of Unknown gave me.
Not only is this a representation of Ozymandias and their gift to me, but also a representation of the cult. Of Unknown.
What would Melody think about that?
What would Blazing think. Or Issac? Or… Celeste…
Yeti…
What would anyone think?
I know Yeti knows, at least mostly, but what about the others, who have so clearly shown their disdain for the cult?
Their… disdain for me.
Issac insulted Parasite to their face. Mocked Ozymandias.
Blazing worships Voyd'La Creek with all it's very being.
And Celeste called the cultists stupid. She's aggressive towards them.
Just as most people are.
Athens warned me to stay away from them… and he has a point. Especially after Paradox so violently attacked Kizz.
It's just that the two actions before me are so jarring, I don't understand.
Paradox attacked Kizz, right after making what sounded like a truly lovely speech. Even saying congratulations.
While… Parasite messed with me, but then apologized afterwards, even essentially complimenting me now. Calling me more competent than the majority of Loop 9? A really weak compliment, sure, but more likely to be genuine.
And then there's… Ozymandias. Calling me loyal. Trustworthy. Determined. Worthy of joining them… considering me on their level.
Which, personally? I find shocking.
My eyes come back to the shadowthorn, and I lean against the tree while I look at it in thought.
I'm not strong.
That's not saying I don't have the potential to be strong, but I know I'm not at the power that I wish to be at. I'm no demi-god. I don't even know my Soul Engraved Power, if I do have one to begin with, and I don't even know how to use magic!
I can use magic though. Not everyone can do that, but…
What use is it if I keep messing it up?
The magic is coursing through my veins… like a well of something I don't understand.
There's a thrumming of electricity beneath my fingertips. Something I feel like I can almost grasp, but not quite.
I let myself quell my thoughts, even if just for a moment, and I'm reminded of Ozymandias's words to me…
Step one, breathe.
So I did, I closed my eyes, leaning towards the bush subconsciously, and took a deep breath. In, then out.
Two, why do I care so much about what other people think?
It's a weakness.
I open my eyes again, the sun was being blocked out by clouds. It could be the start of rain, or, just a cloudy day.
I raised my left hand slightly, and I was… trembling. Why am I trembling?
I was told I think too much. Not just by Ozymandias, but by many people. Melody even said that to me, and it's true. I think far too much. At least, I think far too destructively.
Is this trembling in my hand from that? Or is it something else…
When I looked down at the floor, before looking at the shadowthorn again, there were tears in my eyes. I couldn't help it. For the first time in a while, I felt like I was drowning again, but it wasn't within one of my dreams. It was real. Solid. Here.
It's me.
Crying.
I made no sounds. It wasn't ugly, but it was nowhere near beautiful. It just was.
My raised, trembling hand went to absentmindedly play with the leaves of the bush. Feeling the smoky texture, something so close to something much darker, but not. Not quite, at least, not entirely.
Tears slid down my cheeks, and I held no smile. Only a frown.
But… do I ever really smile here? At least, do I ever smile longer than for a few moments at a time?
What's there to smile about?
I'm far from my loop, the one place I know at least somewhat of how to traverse.
I'm in a new place, with only one person I really recognize, and they… don't seem to be doing the best themselves.
I'm away from my family. I don't even get to make the choice of returning or not anymore.
I left them, with no verbal goodbye, just a note, and an impulsive instinct.
I left…
I…
A sob broke past my lips, eyes filled with water, but I didn't stop myself. For once, I just… cried.
I brought my legs close to myself and sat there with the bush, leaning against the tree, while tears cascaded down my face.
My life felt like it was crumbling, even though he's right, I'm overthinking way too much. All the restless thoughts that only ever get peace during those rare, small, quiet moments. It was too much. It is too much.
And now?
Some people seem like they hate me.
At least Angel and Shadow act like that…
Shooing me off to, “Go to your cultist friends-”
. . .
That feels entrapping.
What if not even the other cultists want to hang around me?
How could I be trusted?
When I can't even trust myself…
My only friends are Blazing and Celeste.
Probably Yeti too, but I'm still kind of confused on how this whole friendship thing works.
I think she's the first person I could consider a friend without needing to verbally call it out.
When someone cares for me, and I mean really cares, I can usually believe it's… genuine. Either that, or it's an act, much like what I do daily.
I'm weak.
There's no reason for others to befriend me.
And it's not that I don't wish to be stronger, I do, I just haven't gotten there yet.
If ever.
Everyone wants something, though.
Yeti wants to replace her home, her family. She wants to create a new life, a herd, with kind people, and that's what she thinks about me.
Kind, weak, small.
Celeste wants to kill Unknown, it seems, if there is a chance. She also just wants to… live. She hates the cultists, and our goals quite frankly don't line up. She's nice enough, sure, but she's in the same boat as me… what if she only agreed to be my friend because she herself has so few? I'm just…
A backup. Discardable. Replaceable.
Blazing cares for me, but the way they go about it frightens me actually. I'm fully about letting others do what they have to, or want to, do, but Ozymandias has a point. They put a listening device with Athens. They're listening to everything Athens does. Isn't that just creepy!?
I'm… secondary to them. Unimportant. Unnecessary.
And then everyone else seems to either hate me right now, or simply not care.
Everyone but…
“Just, be careful. Me and Parasite have grown a… reasonable liking towards you. It'd be a shame if something were to happen.”
. . .
I cried.
This time, I didn't fight to see past my teary, blurring vision. I just sat there crying.
Everything I felt like I've ever known seemed useless now.
Anything I knew about people, who are horrible, only wanting things for themselves, seemed… shattered.
They described the cult as a family.
In truth, it is. It's my family. My past. My legacy.
The only people who've ever cared for me without something in return. Or at least could care for me without any ulterior reason.
Families aren't perfect, but it's better than sitting here crying.
It's better than spending all this time, to try and understand something not worth understanding.
Was Melody wrong?
Had my father been… right?
And yet, all this time I spent… 4 years of my life. Trying to find truth, when it might’ve been there in front of me all along.
It's just scarier now. Instead of this being something expected of me, something I'm unable to avoid, it's now become… a choice.
Somehow, being able to choose for myself, if I become a cultist or not, is scarier than the choice being made for me.
Because now, if something goes wrong, there's no one else I can blame, except myself.