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Say what you want about the Centaurs, but they were an observant bunch. And what they had been observing lately was the way their captain stared lovingly and longingly at their newest teammate: Shane Hollander.
They’d all heard the rumors: that Shane had been pushed out of Montreal because he was gay. And although Ilya had never said as much, there was kind of a vibe there.
So, the Centaurs—minus Ilya and Shane, of course—met up and decided to do something about it.
The plan was simple: each week, before practice, one of them would drop off a note or gift from a “secret admirer”—that they would try really hard to make it sound like was from Ilya and then—depending on how long it would take—they would watch as Shane would approach Ilya about the notes, confess his love for Ilya in return and the Centaurs would add more gays to the gayest team in the league. Success!
Hayes went first and picked out a beautiful bouquet of flowers and merely signed the card “Love, Your Secret Admirer”. He didn’t want to get too deep too early on and he also didn’t feel like he could quite nail Ilya’s voice to say anything else.
He watched as Shane saw the flowers, looked around quickly—with what appeared to be a look of panic on his face, which Hayes found a bit odd—and then grabbed Ilya’s arm and dragged him to a nearby janitor’s closet.
Wyatt followed, needing to know if their plan had succeeded already, and snuck up to the door to see if he could overhear anything.
“Ilya, the flowers are lovely and all, but you can’t do shit like that!”
“Flowers? I did not get you flowers. Someone got you flowers? Tell me names.”
“I don’t know who they’re from. Like I said, I thought they were from you.”
“No, not me, but I will find out who and--,”
Wyatt missed the rest of the conversation because Troy approached him and whispered, “What are you doing?”
“I thought our plan had worked already because Shane dragged Ilya in here, but I don’t think it did. It just seemed to piss them both off, but I’m unsure why.”
“Well, don’t give up hope! They’re perfect for each other, I just know it.”
The two of them heard the door handle jiggle and walked away from the janitor’s closet as fast as they possibly could. They managed to get a fair distance away so it didn’t look like they were eavesdropping and they were able to pull off having a casual conversation in the hallway. Or at least, they thought they did, but Ilya and Shane didn’t even give them a second glance as they walked past.
***
Dykstra was next and he decided to write a cheesy poem to leave for Shane. When asked why he did this, he replied, “Well, at least it’s not a country song which is what I was really tempted to write”. Everyone concurred that this was a way better alternative, but when they read it, they all groaned.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You may not know
But I’ve fallen for you
“Don’t quit your day job, Dykstra!” Troy chirped.
“Hey, fuck you, Barrett! I’d like to see you do better!”
Dykstra quickly slipped the note into Shane’s cubby and then all of them managed to remain casual as they nodded at Shane who entered seconds after he stepped away.
He watched Shane look at the note—face curled up in confusion—before reading it again and then setting it down. He heaved a sigh and got ready for the day and was even quieter than he usually was before practice.
Dykstra was a little afraid that they were interfering when they absolutely should not be, but when he brought it up to the rest of the gang, they all insisted that the plan was going to work.
After practice, he did see Shane and Ilya frantically whispering at each other, but sadly, he wasn’t able to pick up on what they were saying more than he was sure that Shane had said, “I think someone is fucking with me. Is this like a hazing thing?” and Ilya just standing there fuming. Oh shit. If Shane thought they were hazing him by sending him love notes, he may think they were being homophobic. They needed to put a stop to this before Ilya benched them all for hatecriming their newest member.
Dykstra once again brought up his concerns and the group decided they would stop after this one final week. Troy—with help from Harris—brought a giant box of chocolates and a teddy bear (thank you post-Valentine’s Day sale!) and left them for Shane. Unfortunately, he was not fast enough and Ilya caught him in the act. And he looked pissed. Troy didn’t think he had ever seen him look this angry.
“Ah so it is you who is trying to steal my boyfriend, huh?”
While there had been a bit of chatter throughout the room before, Ilya’s outburst sent the room into silence.
“I’m sorry, your what now?” asked Luca.
Hayes looked like an excitable puppy and Troy’s mouth was just dropped open in shock.
“Uhhh, no, we, uh--,” Troy sputtered, desperately trying to find the words but failing.
“You what? Either you are trying to steal my man or you are making fun of him so which is it?”
“It’s neither! Ilya, we don’t care that he’s gay and we definitely don’t care that you two are together. In fact, that’s what this whole thing was about!” Wyatt declared.
Ilya looked confused. “I don’t understand. Somebody explain now or I make everyone skate until they puke.”
Dykstra chimed in. “We noticed how often you look at Shane and we took it upon ourselves to try to get you two together, but umm, clearly that was unnecessary and only served to piss you off. We’re sorry, Cap.”
“You think best way to win Shane Hollander over is a box of chocolates? Ha! Maybe if it was gross green smoothie, but that is not an idea because he is off the market and he is mine and no more of this! You will tell him the truth and then you will mind your own business from now on, okay?”
They all nodded frantically and as soon as Shane arrived, they told him the truth. They were relieved to see that he was not upset with them, but it appeared that he was a bit upset with Ilya for revealing their secret like that.
“Solnyshko,” he pouted, “Is not fair you are mad at me! They are the ones sending you secret love notes and flowers!”
“Yeah, but they’re not the ones who blurted out a secret we’ve been keeping for well over a decade just because they couldn’t keep their jealousy in check.”
Once again, the room went silent with everyone in shock.
Shane clapped a hand over his mouth while everyone started speaking over one another.
Ilya gestured to get them all to calm down. “Yes, is true we have been something for over a decade. No, we will not answer anymore questions at this time.” He practically dragged his boyfriend out of the locker room and the rest of them just looked at each other not sure what to say.
“Well, technically our plan worked!” Wyatt said enthusiastically.
“Does it count if they were already together?” Barrett asked.
“I say it does! We’re such good matchmakers.”