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Monday
(Partial) Facials 1, Goat's shagged 0, Times I've thought about Ceaser's thighs 3,641
So excited about today!
Duro and I go with father to war. Yay.
We going to kill the romans. Double yay.
Well it beats working on this fucking Goat farm. I hate goats, they smell and bite and eat stuff that just shouldnt be eaten. Like my faveroute avacado facial. I swear my pores are massive!!!
Anyway, I get to go kill me some Romans. Never liked them since that cock sucking exchange student, Ceaser, told me my dreads looked like dead worms.
Cock-sucking roman, bet he loves to suck.........mmmmmm yep bet he does.
Not that i give a fuck.
I fucking hate that smarmy turd, with his perfect teeth and perfect blond hair and flawless bronzed skin. Those bulging biceps, and thick thighs......
um, Yep hate him........
Anyway, got to go put Goat dung on my face (Commando for the win?!, Duros idea) and go fuck some....er kill me some Romans ;p
Tuesday
Facials 0 {I have visible pores now ;( } Goats's shagged 0, Times i vomited in my mouth due to Duros farts 16, Times I thought about Ceaser's thighs 5,677 (DAM)
Ok so that didn't go so well! We got butts truly kicked. I mean, they had horses and catapults and stuff. The most advance WMD we had was the double ended spear Actus brought a long.
He had made it during a particularly fun woodwork lesson at school years ago. The teacher had asked us to make a present to woo a possible wife (yuk). I made a tasteful spice rack holder and Actus had made a double ended spear. Hmmmmm I'm sure that should be telling me something. Anyways, the stupid fuck stabbed himself with it before we even got there. Messy!
The strategy meeting, also known as lets see whos cock is bigger competition, was a farce. No one would listen to me. All they wanted to do was run up and stab. I mean come on dudes, they were on horses and we were on foot, apart from the Scholerman twins who had bought a couple of goats (Fucking hate goats).
But when I offered my strategy all I got was strange looks. Father looked like he wanted to choke on his pickled goat balls (mum is such a feeder) I still suspect it was Duro sniggering. I really don't get why they ignored me. I continue maintain it is clever strategy to fuck the man from behind.
Luckily the Romans weren't too pissed we tried to lop off their heads and they invited some of us on a cruise. Woo!. Pretty decent of them. Maybe they arn't all like that stupid tosser, Ceaser. Although it definitely isn't of the luxury variety. I guess I shouldn't complain. It could be worse, they could have made us slaves. It is a bit funny that they didn't give us time to pack or buy sunscreen. OMG! I hope it is hot where we are going. I love, love,love surprises. Maybe there will be a beach. I can work on a tan. (No tan lines FTW!)
Due to the lack of amenities, I am currently writing this in a very smelly hull of a very smelly ship.
Made more smelly by the fact that we are all still covered in Goat poo,(Stupid Fucking Duro), and Duro is the smelliest farter ever.
I mean seriously, I never knew my bro had such a problem. And we have shared a room since birth. Maybe its the food.
To be truthful, the cuisine on this cruise kinda sucks. We get the same stuff everyday. I'm not sure if it is animal or vegetable, I'm guessing vegetable based of the rather pungent aromas Duro produces. At least it isnt fucking goat.
Ceaser wasn't at the bust up either. Not that I wanted him to be there.
Stupid blond bint.