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Tarotgate

Summary:

“OHMIGOD,” the girl gasps, “Dazai. Do you know what this means?”

Dazai grins, gleeful. “What? Am I going to be a millionaire?”

“NO!” she giggles. “YOU’RE GAY!”

or: Dazai gets Elise to do some tarot reading onstream for him, Elise doesn't know how to read tarot, and Dazai gets cancelled for exploiting minors.

Notes:

hi smiles. go my awesome au.
also to be clear: this is all in bsd canon. dazai is doing this shit in port mafia headquarters.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

ELISE READS MY TAROT CARDS!!!! \(٥⁀▽⁀ )/” nolongerhuman

[VIDEO: A young man covered in bandages sits on the floor across from a little girl in a poofy dress. Spread around are eight decks of tarot cards.

The little girl spreads out the deck for him, and the young man chooses three cards: Death, the Seven of Cups, and the Tower.

“OHMIGOD,” the girl gasps, “Dazai. Do you know what this means?”

Dazai grins, gleeful. “What? Am I going to be a millionaire?”

“NO!” she giggles. “YOU’RE GAY!”

The little girl laughs so hard she falls over.

“Elise,” Dazai pouts, “We know that. Tell me something new! Come onnnn you said you were going to look into my future? Chat, can you believe this?”

Elise giggles maliciously. “Oh, I’ll look into your future alright…”]

polecatttt oh elise everyone in the world loves you

halcicle donated $5 its my birthday dazai can you wish me happy birthday

saphishere OMEGALUL

Lunethhh Elise you’re so awesome

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saph-is-here.tumblr.com
THIS FUCKING ELISE KID IS PISSING ME OFFFFFFF BE FUCKING RESPECTFUL TO DAZAI ILL KILL YOU
#liveblogging #nolongerhuman | ELISE READS MY TAROT CARDS!!!! \(٥⁀▽⁀ )/

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ELISE READS MY TAROT CARDS!!!! \(٥⁀▽⁀ )/” nolongerhuman

[VIDEO: Dazai is flopping about like a fish. They’ve done five readings and every deck so far has called him gay in different cards.

“Elise,” he whines, “Can you draw different cards that say something new?”

She glares at him, before putting on a bright, shiny, expression. “Okay! Sure!”
Dazai pulls three new cards: The Devil, the Five of Wands, and the Two of Swords.

Elise gasps like she’s just learned of someone’s death.

“What is it,” Dazai asks eagerly, “What does that mean?”

Elise grins beautifically. “It means you’re never going to know the touch of another man and you’re going to die alone. And you’re gay!” She stands up and flounces out the door.

Dazai looks directly into the webcam. “Well whenever I die, my dog will definitely be there dying with me, so that can’t be right.”]

bigandromeda HELLO?? LMAO

[ARTIST] taintedsorrow WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN YOUR DOG

dirkqzee well… we all know who that means right….

[ARTIST] taintedsorrow I’M NOT DYING WITH YOU YOU WASTE OF BANDAGES

dazaislefteyebrow what is her problem hello 😭

bigandromeda hey dazaisleftball be nice to elise shes like ten

dirkqzee oh bigandromeda im in love with you

superdetective i kno exactly what elise would have to say about this

bigandromeda oh my dirkqzee im in love with you too!!!!

[LEAD MOD] ihatemori111 THE CARDS NEVER LIE!!!!!!!

[VIDEO: Dazai looks up from reading chat.

“Chuuya, of course you’re my dog! Look, you’re even yapping like one!” He tuts, “So poorly trained, my yappy little purse dog.”

Dazai reads chat again, then says: “If you were a dog, you would not be a mastiff! You would be a chihuahua!”]

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saph-is-here.tumblr.com
soukoku being gay on main again ohhhh im sure
#liveblogging #nolongerhuman | ELISE READS MY TAROT CARDS!!!! \(٥⁀▽⁀ )/

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Chuuyas #1 Fan @taintedenjoyer: Why does Dazai No Longer Human think it’s okay to use Elise for content. She’s fucking ten, let her be a kid.
⤿ chuuya defense squad @iheartchuuya: like hes sooo weird y does chuuya hang around him
⤿ Chuuyas #1 Fan @taintedenjoyer: im working on a thread dw
⤿ chuuya defense squad @iheartchuuya: omg ill dm u

 

Chuuya’s #1 Fan @taintedenjoyer: Dazai No Longer Human is using Elise ihatemori111 for content, which is child exploitation, a 🧵

Notes:

notes about what the cards mean (granted these are very quick and dirty, im not using reversed meanings im just slapping things together):
Death, the Seven of Cups, and the Tower:
death means the end of a cycle & the start of smth new, 7 of cups means searching for purpose and the tower means destruction and despair. this is about odas death lol

The Devil, the Five of Wands, and the Two of Swords
the devil means addiction & playfulness, the five of wands means competition and challenge and the two of swords is difficult choices. this time the cards lowkey are calling him gay (saying leaving will be difficult because of chuuya, basically)

saph and i are cooking on this like crazy, expect to see more from our awesome brilliant genius minds ^_^

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