Chapter Text
The starless skies above Imp City painted the small apartment in a hazy red glow, if someone were looking they would have been able to make the small lump on the couch. The figure lay rigid, arms wrapped tightly around themselves, claws almost breaking skin.
Small sobs were barely audible in the still room, muffled by the pillow the figure’s face was buried in. Demons and Imps passed by on the street, not knowing that just a few floors up, someone was pondering about their shitty life.
Wondering if it was worth it anymore.
“Mama…”
Blitz’s voice was weak as he thrashed on the couch tail snaking up to wrap around his waist, a source of comfort as the green and white flames danced behind his eyelids.
“It’s all your fault Blitzo! You did this!”
The infester demon’s voice echoed in his head as the image of his mother melting in his hands made a reappearance.
“Mama!! Mom I’m sorry…please!”
The shouts, so loud in his head, were nothing more than soft whimpers in the real world.
“It should have been you!”
Blitz’s claws tightened around his biceps, breaking the skin as dark blood began to trickle down his arms.
His mother was gone, replaced with a terrifying image of Fizz, sprawled on the ground as the fire ate him alive.
Blitz ran in his dream, legs kicking feebly on the couch as he moved towards his companion. He almost made it, corrected his mistake, then the scene shifted.
The little Imp was no longer surrounded by fire and death, instead he was wrapped in Lavender scented sheets, snuggled into a bed far larger than any he could ever need.
“Blitzy….”
The claws boring into his flesh retracted slightly at the sound of his voice, and Blitz turned in his lavender cocoon, it was almost a pavlovian response the way the tension bled from his body as he stared into two sets of glowing red eyes.
“Stols….”
The words were a whisper, hushed, almost reverent as the owl came towards him. Soft hands and warm fingers cupped his face and Blitz felt a warm pressure against his insignia.
How many times had he longed for this?
To wake up in Stolas’ bed, safe and loved by the man who had so easily torn down the walls that surrounded his heart. He relaxed into the hold, a soft warmth spreading through his limbs, his sleeping body slumped into the couch as Stolas pulled him closer.
Blitz didn’t notice the Prince’s grip slowly tightening until his face began to dimple, pain blooming under the skin. Blitz had known Stolas could harm him if he wanted, but the owl never had before.
A whimper left his lips, as his head was tugged backward, talons scraping along his horns.
“Stols…please….hurts…”
Blitz begged his lover to ease the pressure, but Stolas merely laughed. The sound cold and cruel as he hauled Blitz closer, higher, to the point the imp wasn’t even touching the bed anymore.
Suspended at eye level, thrashing weakly in the prince’s hold as Stolas stared him down.
“It hurts?”
Blitz’s dream persona nodded as the claws came up his arms again, digging into flesh.
“Like you hurt me?”
“Stol–”
His voice cut out in a whine as he was slammed back onto the bed.
“You always hurt others Blitz, Always leaving them to clean up the broken pieces and the mess you leave behind.”
Blitz’s body thrashed softly, tail whipping in distress as he kicked at the back of the couch. Tears soaking into the pillow as Stolas continued.
“Have you ever cared about anyone besides yourself?”
“Y-you…”
The words were weak and raspy. Blitz’s heart dropped as Stolas’ kind face twisted, morphing into something closer to his eldritch form. Blitz shook in the hold, he was always scared of Stolas’ demon form.
“Don’t be silly Blitz. We both know what you think of me. A pompous asshole was it?”
Hot tears flowed from slightly dimmed yellow eyes as scarred hands scrabbled weakly around Stolas’s talons. Blitz hated himself for ever saying that, couldn’t bear to know that he was the one who broke his bird so badly.
Blitz knew in his heart he deserved whatever Stolas was going to do to him, and yet, all he wanted was to touch the owl. To curl into the warm feathers and beg for forgiveness, to fix this.
“This is what you wanted from me isn't it?”
The imp’s head shook frantically, the weak thrashing pushing him further towards the edge of the couch.
“N-no…”
Stolas’ eyes narrowed as the pressure on Blitz’s throat changed. Glowing gold appeared around his neck locking him in as the Prince pulled on the chain.
The pressure was unbearable, cold metal cutting deep into his throat.
But none of that pain compared to the next words out of his bird’s mouth.
“You can’t fool me Blitz. Not anymore, I know what you are. How badly you break people, how much you ruin their lives. You push away your friends and your family, anyone foolish enough to care for you. Throw it away as though it means nothing.”
Blitz felt something sharp in his chest, as if someone had driven a blade into him.
“A motherfucker, that’s all you are. All you ever will be. You’re going to die alone, Blitzy, lost and forgotten.”
The chain on his neck disappeared as Stolas placed a hand on his chest, Blitz’s arms reached out at the same time Stolas shoved him backwards.
Lavender was replaced by moldy wallpaper, the warm sheets by stained carpets, Blitz’s body tumbled off the couch, yanking him into awareness as he connected with the icy floor.
Sobs continued to spill from his lips, as dull yellow eyes flitted around the room, hands going to his throat, the sensation of cold metal lingering. Blitz slid backward against the couch, heart pounding as shivers rocked through his small frame.
“St-Stols…”
The words came on their own accord making his face flush as he slowly came to his senses. Of course Stolas wouldn’t be here, why would he? Blitz had screwed it all up, just like he always did and now he was alone, just like he was always meant to be.
His claws scrabbled under the couch, tugging out one of his beloved horse plushies. A soft grey one with a red mane and silver stars. Millie had given him a knowing look when he bought it, but he’d brushed it off.
Blitz would never admit to how many times he had clung to it after a rough night, he would take that secret to his grave.
Shadows swirled around the darkened room, the red light giving it an almost sinister appearance in the wake of those horrible dreams. He buried his face into soft fur, tears soaking into the fabric.
He’d cried so much today, first when his text to stolas hadn’t gone through.
The owl had blocked him, and although it hurt, Blitz only had himself to blame.
Of course because it was his life, the day had only gotten worse from there.
Fighting with Millie, watching his mom burn in front of him, being chained to a chair while watching all his worst moments.
Blitz had always prided himself on being able to bounce back easily. He was an assassin after all, he didn't have time to fall apart or get lost in his feelings. Even if he did, it wasn’t like there was anyone who actually cared enough to comfort him anyway.
His self destructive habits and toxic attitude had made sure of that.
It took a while before the sobs slowed, and the tears stopped falling. Long enough that when he finally managed to stretch his legs, the pain was almost enough to set him off again.
He’d always had pain, mental, emotional, and even physical. His father had forced him to learn acrobatics as soon as possible, meaning Blitz’s body had been abused and twisted into various forms the first 15 years of his life.
Cash had made them work with broken bones and sprained joints, he didn’t care what happened as long as money came in. Over the years the damage had settled deep in his joints, even more so after the fire when he’d been unable to move much of anything as his skin healed. It always ached more than he would care to admit, but he’d learned to ignore it over the years.
Sometimes he had even relished in the pain, it was a fitting punishment for screwing up his family’s lives and killing his own mother. When he really needed to get something off his mind, Blitz would throw himself into whatever mission they were working on.
Letting the target pummel him for a while before finally taking them out.
M&M yelled at him for it, always said he’d get himself killed one day. He wished they were right, but apparently he wasn’t fortunate enough to die and get out of everyone’s lives.
Millie kicking his ass today had helped a little. It hurt feeling her blows raining down on him, and even if he knew it was to drive that Infestor Demon out of him. A part of him couldn't help wondering if maybe Millie was doling out her own form of punishment for nearly bankrupting them all.
A soft chime caught his attention and Blitz winced as he got to his feet, swaying slightly. He hadn’t gotten much sleep over the last few days, and it looked like he wouldn’t for a long time. Blitz had gone an entire week without sleep once when the nightmares wouldn’t stop, he’d slept for 2 days straight.
Loona was almost convinced he’d slipped into a coma.
His legs weren’t very cooperative but finally he made it over to the table, picking up his phone.
The light from the screen was almost painful in the dark room and Blitz blinked a few times before he could read the screen.
“Mills: Hey B, I know today was a lot. Just wanted to make sure you’re doing ok.”
He’d given M & M the day off, they’d taken enough of a beating yesterday that she could use some rest.
Blitz’s heart fluttered at the realization she had thought enough about him to actually check, before the nasty little voice in his head reared up again.
“Why should she bother with you? After the way you treated her? The way you treat everyone? You think she actually cares?”
She texted me.
He tried to fight back against the little voice, which he noticed sounded a lot more like Stolas than it used too.
“Of course she did, had to make sure you didn’t off yourself. She still needs her paycheck after all, if you can even afford to give her one after running your own business into the ground.”
Blitz’s tail thrashed, how many times had he considered killing himself over the years?
How many times had he tried?
After the fire, he had tried everything he could to take himself out of this life.
H8 overdoses, razorblades, pissing off higher demons in the hopes they’d do the job for him. None of it had worked, the only things he’d ever gotten were scars, hospital bills, and eventually really good at killing others.
When he’d found out killing himself was useless, Blitz had decided to try and do something to make up for all the shitty things he had done instead. Something to make the hole in his chest ache a little less.
Verosika had, for a while.
Things had been good, until the day she’d said she “loved” him.
Blitz had no idea why one simple word had such an effect on him. He’d said it to Ver before, but for some reason when she said it back. He hadn’t felt the warm tingly sensation other people had described.
All he felt was shame, he wasn’t worth being loved.
He knew that, everyone had told him that, his father told him when Fizz brought in more money than he did. Barbie told him after he’d offered to pay for her Rehab. He was sure if his mom were alive she would have said the same thing.
That’s why he ran. Because Ver was in love with him and he couldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t let himself hurt her. He’d used her credit cards to try and forget about it as much as possible, which he still regretted and had been sending her small amounts every month in a bid to make up for it.
Stolas was right, he’d taken her love and tossed it aside. That’s all he ever did, because he was too scared to let himself get close enough to hurt someone ever again.
“But you did hurt her. Just like you hurt me. You ruin everything Blitz, everyone suffers. Because of you.”
Blitz let out a soft whine as the voice came back. He couldn’t argue with it this time. He had hurt her, and Stolas, and all those people at that party.
It didn’t matter if he hadn’t meant too, he’d still fucked up.
The phone pinged again, another message from Millie. What was she doing up so late?
“Mills: B, if you need to talk. You can call me, you know? Or Moxxie. We’re here for you.”
Tears dripped onto the phone again as he read the words on the screen.
Even after everything he’d done lately, after all the shit he’d said to her, all the insults he slung at Moxxie.
They were still there, still reaching out and trying to take care of him when it should have been the other way around. Everyone had a role to play in the little ragtag crew he’d built.
Loona gave him a reason to stay.
Moxxie kept the business from completely failing.
Millie made sure the jobs got done.
And Blitz?
He may have made the family, but that didn’t mean he belonged in it. Out of the four of them, he was the disposable one. The one who rushed headfirst into danger to make sure the others could go home safely no matter what.
That’s why in some ways, he was glad Ronaldo had possessed him instead of Millie. It’s also why he’d hated it when the DHORKS had captured them and he’d been unable to get Moxxie out in time.
Moxxie had been right, it was all his fault. He was pathetic.
Wanting a family, wanting to be loved, and yet every time he had anything close to that. He pushed it away.
He just wanted to protect them, from everything—including himself.
They shouldn’t be worrying about him, hell they would probably be better off if that demon had just killed him like it’d planned to do.
Dots appeared in the bottom of the screen again and Blitz sighed, she was just going to keep texting until he answered. If he didn’t she would probably show up at his doorstep in the morning. He didn’t want to see them today, he couldn’t stand the thought of M & M spending their day off trying to clean up his mess again.
It wasn’t their place to take care of him.
“Thanx Mills. I'm ok. U can sleep.”
The message went through and he could see the dots appear and then disappear a few times. Nothing else was sent through and Blitz laid the phone aside, sinking to the floor again. His little horse was soft against his face as he rested his head on his knees, tail snaking around his waist.
He’d always done that when he was upset, a lot of imps did. It was a built in calming ability for their kind.
Noises from the apartment next door echoed through the walls, had Loona been there it would have woken her by now. She deserved nicer than this, a real family who could give her all the things she wanted, a parent who wasn’t a complete trainwreck.
She had never called him dad in her life, always went out of her way to make sure he knew his care was not needed. His Loonie was an adult, even more than he was. He couldn’t count the number of times she’d dragged him home from a bar or a party and tucked him into the worn down couch.
That was supposed to be his job, he was supposed to take care of her.
Another wave of self loathing washed through him as he dug his claws back into his arms, the pain grounding in a way nothing else was.
He was such a failure, at love, at life, even his business would have failed had Moxxie and Millie not been around to save it.
Worthless.
Useless.
Pathetic.
Motherfucker.
Everyone he loved would be so much better off if he were gone. It was like Ronaldo had said, he’d pushed away everyone who would even consider putting up with his bullshit.
How long would it be before he hurt M & M and Loona so badly they tossed him out too?
It would be better if he just left on his own, before he broke them too.
Blitz had considered it of course, he’d thought about running off somewhere. Maybe to Wrath, one of the small shacks on the outskirts. A place where they wouldn’t find him and he wouldn’t be able to hurt them.
His heart wouldn’t allow that though. As much as he was scared to hurt his family, he was too selfish to just leave. As long they were out there, he would always find a reason to come back to them.
Unless he could guarantee he could stay gone, all he would do was worry them. Because for some reason, they still cared enough to make sure he didn't die on the missions. Cared enough to text in the middle of the night.
Even Moxxie had asked him if he needed anything after they came back to the office today and Millie told him what happened.
The feel of the younger man’s hand on his shoulder had burned like fire, and he’d pulled away mumbling he was fine before locking himself in the office again.
It was bad enough he couldn’t just leave, did he have to force them to care about him as well?
Another soft chime echoed from the table, but Blitz ignored it this time. Maybe Millie would think he fell asleep, it was late after all.
The horse clock on the wall ticked softly as the apartment fell silent. Not even Blitz’s tail made a noise as it lay limp behind him on the floor.
White and green flames danced in his head as he stared at the wall, fingers twisting the horse's mane.
Surely there was a way.
A way to get out of their lives once and for all.
He could try suicide again, but he didnt want to take the chance of fucking up and giving them more problems to worry about.
Blitz’s mind drifted back to Ronaldo, shivering when he felt the phantom sensations of chains across his chest. Infestor demons were able to manipulate the mind, human, imp, demon, sinner, there were even rumors the ability worked on Goetias and Overlords too.
There were even rumors of a clinic in Envy; a few Infestor Demons had started their own clinic, specializing in what they called, “memory adjustment.”
He’d considered it once, after the fire. When he couldn’t sleep without nightmares. But ultimately hadn’t gone through with it, Blitz deserved to live with the pain of what he’d done. Even almost 20 years later, he still believed that.
The dim morning light was just starting to bleed through when Blitz pulled his phone to him again. He didn’t even glance at the messages, just began searching for the clinic. He had no idea if it even existed.
But if it did, then he finally had a way to set his family free.
He would always come back to them, no matter what, unless…they no longer existed.
If he could get the clinic to erase his memory of them, then Blitz could finally do the right thing. Disappear, for good this time. No more hurting people, no more pushing them away, no more ruining everyone he loved.
By the time the “sun” rose, Blitz was scrawling an address onto a scrap of paper with surprisingly steady hands.
All of the pain and fear of the night had been silenced for a moment.
He’d finally found a way to save the people he loved.
To set them free.