Chapter Text
Salvation, there’s nothing to it, just another word for help, just the one thing he wouldn’t dare do.
Zoro of course didn’t like that word, help. It wasn’t a simple word to him, it was a sign of weakness, of the weakness he held. Sticking to him like a leech, no matter how hard he trained or how strong he was. It stuck, like he had to prove something.
He always had to prove something. Either to himself or to others, like Kuina. That name. Just thinking of it makes his chest feel heavy, like he can’t breathe. The anger is still, and buried too deep to even handle the so called anger he feels, like it’s too small of a weight for the broken promise he can’t live down.
It follows him, quiet or loud. Zoro stands longer than needed feeling his jaw tightening as the sound of shoes squeaking fill the hallway, against the tile as students scramble towards lunch. The sound won’t leave him alone. His hands curl into fist in his pockets, jaw tightening harder. He already knows he’s been standing still way longer than necessary.
“Zoro!”
Zoro doesn’t even get to react before he feels a weight at his arm, Luffy. Hugging tight on his sleeve like it’s the most casual thing in the world, it is.
“Come on!” Already pulling Zoro into the crowd. Zoro hates crowds, they’re too loud, too tight, too much. But his body reacts before his thoughts can catch up, shifting his body towards Luffy’s pull into the crowd of students.
Around them, the sound of shoes squeaking are louder now, lockers slamming open and shut, voices rising and coming from every direction as the crowd pushes forward. Everything blends together.
Zoro is still aware, aware of the tightness in his jaw, the pressure in his chest. It won’t leave. It doesn’t matter that Luffy is pulling him, moving him. The feeling stays. Heavy. Unmoving. Pulling him back. Even as everything is going forward.
The cafeteria is too loud. It’s always loud but it’s been getting louder somehow. With Luffy still guiding him through the crowd of students only losing his grip for a second. Then he’s gone, he’s gone ahead, lunging at the table.
Zoros stopped in place. A noise crashing in the back. Sudden and loud causing his eyes to drift to the source before he can even draw a breath. He doesn’t move. Only watches.
The crowd keeps pushing around him, crashing with his shoulders, not stopping.
“Zoro!” Luffy’s voice cuts in, too loud, too bright. It doesn’t fit in with the noises around him. Another shove amongst the crowd. He hates crowds, why won’t he leave it?
His body shifts, forcing it back into motion. Eyes still shifting to locate the source of the noise. Zoro walks slow and steady like his legs will give out if he doesn’t control them himself. The pressure in his chest is still there and heavy, refusing to leave him alone.
The sound doesn’t stop. It never really stops. Just forms a weighted feeling that zoro can’t get rid of. Step by step, controlled. Everything will come crashing down if he moves wrong.
Zoro’s jaw tightens again. A voice cutting in closer and sharper than the rest. Not loud. Not devoured by the noises around him. Just there.
“You planning on eating, or are you just going to stand there?” Sanji. Standing closer than any crowd could. Zoro’s eyes flick towards him. The crowd keeps moving around them, it’s less of a crowd now. More of a noise he can’t tune out.
Sanji starts walking. Not slow or fast like he’s in a hurry but steady. Zoro follows without even meaning to. A few steps in. Luffy’s voice crashes in.
“Sanji! Zoro! Over here!” A voice that’s impossible to miss. Halfway on the bench waving both his arms. Waiting to jump at the nearest person. The whole table looks like it could tip over by its very own existence.
Zoro’s jaw tightens, a step behind Sanji. Just a step, his shoulders shift. And he follows Sanji the rest of the way to the table.
It’s not quiet. It’s not loud. Zoros’s eyes shift, he just stands there, jaw tight. He doesn’t even remember stopping in place. Sanji’s already sitting. Something in his chest twists, it doesn’t make sense, locking him in place. He moves anyway.
The bench sounds like it’s about to snap in half from the weight of Luffy bouncing at one end and Usopp talking too loud about an obvious lie of his, trying to prove his lie is true by exaggerating his arms in the air.
He feels like he’s been walking a lot longer than it is, why is he still walking? His eyebrows frown, jaw tightening. Still walking. His legs feel heavier than they are. He stops before he even realizes the bench is right in front of him.
His gaze to his feet, jaw still tight, letting himself fall onto the bench. The weight of his body adding on to the already overwhelming weight on the bench.
—
Zoro didn’t want to eat. Just the thought of it made his stomach twist. He hated that feeling. The noise around him doesn’t stop, sharp and blaring. Never stopping. He doesn’t register that lunch has ended, only keeping his gaze down as others move the noise still drifting around him as they leave.
His gaze still hasn’t left the ground. He hates it here. He wants to go home. Shoulders still tense and high, he can’t relax even if he could. The world keeps moving around him, noise following around it all. Voices scattered across the cafeteria slowly fading away.
He should get up, but he feels too solid. Jaw tightening harder, it aches. Zoro still doesn’t move. Footsteps cutting in louder than the rest.
“You’re still sitting there, seriously?”
Nami. Zoro doesn’t look up at her words, gaze still locked to the ground. He already knows he’s going to have to get up sooner or later. He’s just stuck.
“C’mon.” Closer now, sharp with impatience.
His shoulders shift, rising himself upward slower than necessary, like if he went any faster his legs might buckle. Jaw tightening, like it’s enough to hold him up. He stands a second longer, then he moves.
The noise that was once faded away finding its way back, even louder than before, lifting his gaze as familiar voices slice through the sound. They were waiting just outside, for him.
Zoro can see Luffy, interrupting Usopp mid sentence, causing him to turn his attention to look right at Nami and him before they even reach the door. He’s just a step behind Nami, falling right behind her.
Sanji of course notices Nami first, beaming as she joins them, then Sanji’s gaze shifts, lingering, for a beat too long on Zoro. Zoro notices it. Sanji just watching him for another second, like he’s trying to figure something out, then looks away smiling like he’s found it, averting his eyes back to Nami. Zoro hates that. The thought of being found out. It’s weak.
He feels it before he understands it. The word, weak. It comes from nothing. Nothing but him, it always does. He keeps his eyes forward, everything tightening inside him anyway. His jaw locks, it doesn’t help, or do anything. It never does.
Weakness is something he can’t afford to show. Not now. Not ever. It’s a burden constantly pulling him backwards while he’s going forward. Muscles pulling tight at the thought. The thought of being seen as weak.
Zoro wants to sit now. Not because it makes the loudness of the world around him quieter. Voices slipping past him. The feeling of standing is too much now. The pressure. Sitting is better than not moving and not moving is better than feeling that weight at his chest.
He doesn’t register when the crew stopped talking or what they were even saying in the first place. But that feeling. The feeling of being looked at. He hated being looked at. People are always looking at him.
They’re noticing. His shoulders tense, eyes slowly flicking to look at the source of the staring. Their faces are flat, but not absent-curiosity filling Luffy’s face. Usopp is too silent, eyes too focused, like he’s paying attention. Nami’s gaze searched every inch of him carefully with little reaction. Sanji’s gaze sharp, locked onto Zoro.
Zoro’s stomach tightens. They’re observing him like he’s some project. His jaw locks, shoulders tightening. He hates this part. The questions, the worry. Like he’s weak.
His teeth grind slightly, eyes narrowing. Another feeling coming in-anger.
“What.” It comes out flat. A single word. It’s a warning more than a question. The silence stretches.
“Are you going to practice?” It’s Luffy. A simple question, too simple. Zoro didn’t answer that. His gaze falling off of them, like he can avoid the question. It’s never that simple though. The question just sits there, playing on loop.
His jaw tightens harder. Something pulling his chest to the bottom. His shoulders still tense-irritation rising fast.
“Why would I?” Low and controlled. His eyes flickering back to the crew. “I’m not on the team.” He feels the immediate shift. Shifting his gaze again, faster this time. “I’ve got kendo practice anyway.” The silence doesn’t go away. It’s loud somehow. His stomach twits.
Kendo practice. Zoro’s jaw tightens, he can feel it. The looks. The awareness. Like they know. There’s no kendo practice. His shoulders stay locked, tight. He just lied.