Chapter Text
Jealousy is a darker emotion than Will thought it would be. It feels almost as bad as the vines Vecna used to violate him. In a way, the feeling is more grave. Will can’t blame it on anyone but himself. He should be happy that everything is back to normal. It means that they didn’t go through literal hell and back for nothing.
So when his mother raves about her upcoming getaway with Hopper, urging Jonathan to do the same with Nancy, he should be excited for them. Instead, his stomach feels heavy with slick oil. Envy consumes his entire being, drenching every cell in his body, leaving no space for anything else. The oil smothers the emotions in his body until it consumes everything. Every thought in his mind becomes muddied and green with envy.
“I’m glad you’re happy with your fiance, Mom.”
And he is glad. Glad that everyone makes plans without even thinking about how it affects him. How do they think Will would feel being home all alone while his family is out on their romantic getaways? Sure he has Jane but she’d no doubt be at Max’s house the whole time. Leaving him alone yet again. But they don’t ever think of him. Because he’s strong right? He can handle himself. He doesn’t need love.
Bullshit.
Will’s always been good at hiding his emotions. So much so that his own family seems oblivious to his sarcastic comment.
“I know, isn’t it great!” his mother exclaims. Poor woman, she doesn’t realize how much this triggers her son.
“Yeah Mom, it’s good to know that I’m invisible whenever the people around me are in love.”
“Will, what are you talking about?” she questions, more confused than anything.
“Nothing Mom, go have fun with Jonathan.”
He doesn’t give her a chance to reply, barging out of the front door. He needs to go somewhere where he isn’t suffocated anymore. Wherever his feet take him, he follows. It’s early enough that his mother won’t chase after him. It’s not even noon yet and Will is already angry at the world. He stomps through the woods like a child, lamenting on everything wrong in his life.
It’s not fair. Will didn’t do anything wrong. He didn’t ask to be born this way. Everyone else gets their happy ending and what? Will has to settle with himself? It’s bullshit. He wants love too. He wants to go on movie dates and hold hands. He wants hugs and kisses from someone he loves. Sure they’d have to hide their affection in public, but he’d be ok with it because it’d be their own little secret. Why is it so much to ask? After all he’s been through. Robin gets to have Vickie, so it can’t be because he’s queer. So what’s wrong with him? Why is he always left behind? It’s stupid.
Everyone always tells him that he’ll find someone at the perfect time. Well, that time is now. He wants someone to hold him and not pull away. Whenever he’s down, he wants someone to pull him together until he feels better. He had that someone. But that person doesn’t want him that way. They’ve made that extremely clear.
It’s not fair. He’s always held his tongue. Always been such a good kid despite everything thrown at him. He didn’t abandon his friends when they abandoned him. He deserves love too. Why does he have to fight so hard? For once in his life he just wants what everyone else gets so easily.
The onslaught of negative thoughts persist endlessly as Will advances further into the woods. He’s been walking for god knows how long until he happens upon a familiar landmark. The junkyard. He heard from Dustin that Mike and Lucas fought here when he was missing. How fitting. Will settles himself on one of the tires and finally lets himself feel. He’s been complaining this whole time, now he has to actually confront his feelings.
He does what he does best. Cry. He mourns the life he could’ve had if he were normal. Maybe if he had a girlfriend he wouldn’t feel so dirty. Maybe Vecna wouldn’t have taken him. He said his mind doesn’t belong in this world and maybe he was right. If he were normal then he wouldn’t be feeling this agony. So much for self-acceptance huh. Will cries more. He cries because he’s undone so much development in a matter of minutes.
Will’s cries are interrupted by the soft crunch of gravel slowly drawing closer. He knows who it is. There’s only one person his mother would call at a time like this. It’s pathetic really. He can’t even have a mental breakdown in peace.
Mike approaches Will carefully, with a somber expression on his face, like he already knows why Will is upset. It makes Will angry. Why does everyone act like they know his feelings more than he does?
“Don’t. Don’t look at me like that. You don’t understand.”
“Then tell me, Will.”
“I’ve tried, Mike.” The name feels bitter on his tongue. “You don’t know how hard I’ve tried; tried to convince myself that it was just a stupid crush. To tell myself that I was enough. But it’s not. It’s not enough, Michael. Nothing I do is ever enough. Nothing you give me is ever enough.”
“Every time we’re apart the world crumbles. Some traumatic shit happens to me and you’re there to pick up the pieces. Then I think that maybe you feel something different and you pull away, Mike. You go back to that ‘best friends’ bullshit. I just can’t do it anymore.”
“Will I-”
“No. Shut up and let me talk. I gave you so many opportunities.” For once in his life, Will wants to be selfish.
“I have to love myself because there’s no one else to do it for me. Max gets to need Lucas. You had El. My mom had Bob and now she has Hopper. But I don’t get shit.” Will’s voice trembles with every sentence he utters. But he persists, he has to let Mike know how much he’s been hurting.
“I thought it would stay like that for a long time, until I got taken. You risked your life trying to save me. The next year you were glued to my side. You saved me and I used that same memory to save you. You know, at that moment, I was really free. You made me feel free. I thought it meant something. Thought it meant that I was special to you like you were special to me. I let myself want, without feeling bad for it.”
The recollection of the moment almost has Will feeling giddy. He remembers the high he felt on his knees in the Mac-Z. When Mike ran and embraced him shamelessly. The way his entire body felt tingly with joy, only to be replaced with worry. It’s ironic how even in his happiest moments he’s still not allowed to feel. To truly be.
“Deep down, I knew we couldn’t be together like I wanted, but I was young and naive. I held on to that false hope that you’d make your way back to me.”
“I’m sorry, Will.”
“Yeah? What are you sorry for?”
Mike falters for a second, unsure of what to say to calm the fire beginning to spark. Will doesn’t take this hesitance well.
“See. You can’t even say it, Mike.”
“You don’t know why you’re sorry because you don’t even know what you’re doing to make me feel this way. You’re just taking care of your best friend, and I should’ve seen it that way too. But I don’t want your apologies. I just want you. Why can’t you give me that? Am I that unloveable? You couldn’t bear to love the queer, is that it? You can’t love me, but I’ve always loved you.”
Silence ensues. The admission hangs heavy, permeating the particles in the air, leaving no room to focus on anything else.
“I love you, Michael. There hasn’t been a day in my life that I haven’t spent loving you. You are love to me. I’ll never be able to love anyone else. Even after how you’ve hurt me. You’ve ruined me, Mike Wheeler.”
A weight pushes Will to his knees. This time he doesn’t feel powerful, he hasn’t killed three demogorgons and saved his friends. Will feels pitiful, wallowing in his own self-inflicted agony on how unfair life is. Brought to his knees by something stupid like love.
At the thought, Will keens over and screams. He screams until he’s out of air and his face is red. Then he screams again and again and again. The tires around him flail violently in the air. The truck threatens to topple over with the weight of Will’s agony. A tornado of sticks, stones, and dirt surround the two boys. But Mike isn’t scared. Will wouldn’t hurt him. No matter how much Mike hurts him, he can’t do the same. His conscience won’t let him.
Mike makes his way through the hazardous scene to reach Will. His looming presence prompts Will to finally look up. Mike sort of wishes he didn’t. Will’s eyes are white, streams of blood trail from both his nostrils. He doesn’t need to see his irises to see that he’s pissed. When his eyes roll back, the green isn’t familiar, it’s cold and accusatory. His mouth twists into a mean scowl.
“I hate you.”
Mike almost throws up from the words alone.
“I hate that I can’t stop myself from wanting you. I hate that after all these years, I still can’t fully let you go. But you’re breaking my heart, Mike.” His voice cracks feebly. As if he’s struggling to get any more words out.
“I won’t let this go any further.” Will finds the courage to push Mike away.
“This is me ripping the band-aid off. I need you to do the same. If you don’t, it will kill me.” The declaration is clear. Will catches Mike’s gaze and holds it, daring him to say otherwise.
Mike is silent for a moment, but still he embraces Will once more. The burden of Will’s confession knocks all the air from his lungs. He doesn’t want to let go of Will. At least not now, not after he hasn’t said his piece.
“Will, can we go home, please,” he pleads. He knows it’s a stupid request. Will should probably tell him to go fuck himself and never talk to him again. Pathetically, part of him knows Will won’t say no. There’s no one else Will wants to go to when he’s this vulnerable. Even Mrs. Byers knows that.
Will scoffs at Mike’s suggestion but doesn’t move. He lets Mike wonder if this is really it. It would’ve been great if he could stand on his word. He could walk back home right now and leave Mike the same way he did to him. To his own detriment, Will doesn’t have that much strength.
“I’m so stupid.” Will whispers to himself. After all of that, he still falls right back into Mike’s arms. He’s exhausted. Not only from using his powers, but from finally getting everything off of his chest. Mentally and physically, he can’t handle the pressure anymore. He needs Mike to make everything go away.
He tells himself this is the last time. The last time he ends up in Mike Wheeler’s arms, waiting for him to put him back together when he’s the reason he’s broken. His legs carry him the rest of the way home. Home being the Wheeler residence, of course. Because Mike still wants him to suffer. He won’t let himself be erased from Will’s heart.
Not when he leads Will to his room. Not when he tenderly wipes off the blood above his lip. Not when he gingerly coaxes him into his bed, pressing Will’s head against his chest and wrapping his arms around him so tightly. The stakes are high. Mike has to make a decision. So he lies on his bed, with Will cradled in his arms as his brain works overtime trying to make sense of his convoluted thoughts before Will wakes up and leaves him for good.