Chapter Text
You are Special Forces team 6-N. Your mission is top secret. Your location is classified. Your team is battle-hardened. Only two of those statements are true.
You, more specifically, are 1st Lieutenant John Egbert, service number EQU86-PN77Y-413LL-MASSU (although nobody outside of your unit knows that). Your squad is made up of exemplary fighters, infiltrators and navigators, chosen due to their compatibility with each other (you still think Social Science is a science, although Rose will dispute that until the end of time): Jade Harley, weapons expert and all-around bubbly person, as your second-in-command; as well as Dave Strider, master of stealth and irony; and Rose Lalonde, snark extraordinaire and the best pilot you've ever met, as subordinates, although they’ll never admit that.
You are currently surveying an as-yet unnamed planet, searching for the source of an anomalous electromagnetic emission: your ship, the U.N.S.S. Shadow Strike, detected non-random radio waves coming from somewhere within four klicks of your location.
STRIDER, D (JR.): movement ahead
You all stop and hunker down. Despite the fact that the previous seven warnings coming from your point man have turned out to be bioluminescent reptile analogues, it never hurts to be cautious. The sound of safeties clicking off can be heard as your squad readies their weapons, aiming ahead of the group. A small bird of some kind scampers in front of Dave, disappearing into the bushes.
"Eight animals, Dave!,” Jade exclaims. “Stop being so jumpy!”
“Eight animals that might have turned out to be hostile,” he responds.
“Eight cute animals that wouldn’t hurt a fly!” she says, raising her hands above her helmeted head, exasperated. “Next time you call out, I’m going to go ahead and hug them!” She mimes a hugging motion in the air in front of her.
“Whoa whoa whoa, I cannot express just how dumb of an idea that is.”
“Dave,” Rose says, "there’s obviously nothing here. Our ship was probably picking up a reflection from some exposed vein of metal, like that one over ther,” she gestures to an outcropping of Iron ore. “We should finish this sweep as soon as possible; the Shadow Strike still has one more jump to go before we get leave, and I for one want to take it before next year.”
“Fine, but if you end up bleeding out all over the floor, screaming ‘help me Dave, you’re my only hope’, that’s your problem.”
“Deal!” Jade says.
Sometimes your team can be complete idiots, and there's nothing you've been able to do about it.
Five minutes later, Dave calls movement again. Jade, true to her word, stride(r)s right past him and into a clearing.
HARLEY, J: what the shit.
-----
You are the staff of Imperial Border Monitoring Station 612, and you are bored as all hell.
You, more specifically, are Karkat Vantas, commander of Imperial Incursion Unit 4C. You and your team were sent here after the cruiser Burning Starlight spotted anomalous electromagnetic disturbances travelling superluminally towards this system. Command sent you to investigate, under the guise of a team of miners searching the planet, designated Tuk-II in Imperial starcharts, for valuable resources. You don't really understand why you need a cover if you're the only living things in the system, but you know better than to question Command. You, Kanaya and Vriska sit around a makeshift, primitive chemical fire, warming your hands; Tuk-II is not the most hospitable planet in the system.
"I'm boooooooored!" Vriska drones, leaning back her head so it rests on the top of her back; "Let's do something."
"Not 'Place the Culling Fork on the Troll'; we've done that game so many times I'm beginning to try and do it to you all in your sleep," says Kanaya.
"How about we play the game 'shut the fuck up, Sollux is trying to do some actual work'!" you yell, flailing your arms in the general direction of Sollux’s tent.
"We just played that!" Vriska whines, bringing her head back up and staring off to your left.
"Well let's continue to god damn play it, then!"
"KK," says Sollux, poking his head out of a tent, "if anyone needs to shut the fuck up it's you."
"Go suck a bulge so hard that it gets stuck in your protein chute and you die from asphyxiation, preferably while you upchuck your breakfast," you say, leaning forwards towards him.
"Is that an order?"
You pull back slightly. "Don't pull that shit again. You know perfectly well how to distinguish between my 'you are dead to me for the next few seconds' rants and my 'I am genuinely angry with you, please stab yourself' rants."
Ping.
An alert comes up on your ocular-integrated HUD.
MOTION DETECTED ON CAMP PERIMITER
You shoot to your feet, as does Vriska and Kanaya. A rustling sound emanates from the forest towards magnetic positive; a bipedal figure clad in some form of armour steps into the outskirts of your camp.
KARKAT: WHAT THE SHIT.
-----
EGBERT, J: no comms, text only.
LALONDE, R (JR.): Copy.
HARLEY, J: copy
STRIDER, D (JR.): copy
EGBERT, J: don’t provoke them. follow contact advisory directive 5. jade, patch us in to your helmet mic.
[SQUAD NOW RECEIVING AUDIO FEED FROM [HARLEY, J] ]
You, Rose and Dave lay prone in a treeline, weapons ready, watching as the creatures analyse Jade. You can see them in the glow of their camp lights; they look like grey-skinned humans with sharp, carnivorous teeth and candy-corn coloured horns protruding from their heads; and for some reason they’re wearing the symbols for Cancer, Scorpio and Virgo on their shirts.
EGBERT, J: try species desgination.
Jade tentatively raises her right hand and points at herself. In the calmest voice she can muster, she says “Human.”
The creatures appear perplexed (although you have no guarantee you express, or even feel, emotions in the same way), then one of them points towards Jade and says “Human.” It then turns its finger towards itself and says “Karkat.”
Jade points to one of its companions, and asks “Karkat?”
The one that spoke up originally slaps its face. It presses its finger into its chest and says “Karkat,” in a tone of voice that you feel sorely tempted to call annoyed. It then points to the one to its left and says “Vriska,” before rotating its arm to its right and says “Kanaya.”
STRIDER, D (JR.): dude you just told then that your name was human way to go
HARLEY, J: screw you, dave! someone come out here so i can explain this better.
EGBERT, J: i’m coming out.
You advance towards Jade. The... well, you guess you should call them aliens, look surprised. “Human,” Jade says as you halt next to her, pointing to herself, then you. She then points back at herself and says “Jade,” then twists her thumb towards you and says “John.”
The creatures stare at each other, then the one on the right (Kanaya, was it?) indicates the others and says “Troll.”
You have absolutely no idea how translators managed to get even a basic idea of what people are saying.
-----
KARKAT: VRISKA, KANAYA, DO NOT PROVOKE IT. ANYONE WHO ISN’T CURRENTLY OUTSIDE, STAY IN AND DO NOT MAKE A FUCKING SOUND.
SOLLUX: well iit’2 about tiime you all had a biit of re2pect for my need2
KARKAT: NOT YOU, DIPSHIT, THE THING IN BATTLE AMROUR CURRENTLY STARING US DOWN.
ARADIA: wait what
KARKAT: STAY INSIDE AND NO TALKING!
You, Kanaya and Vriska eyeball the intruder. It raises its hand and you recoil slightly, but then it designates itself and says “Human.”
KANAYA: I Do Not Know What It Is Trying To Tell Us
VRISKA: That’s its name, fussyfangs! It’s trying to talk to us!
You slowly raise your hand and point to yourself. “Karkat,” you say.
It moves its designation appendage towards Vriska and asks “Karkat?”
You cannot resist the urge; you facepalm. “Karkat,” you repeat; you then point to Vriska and Kanaya, saying their names.
Another armoured biped comes out of the treeline and you all reach for your weapons, but halt when it ceases its motion next to the other.
“Human,” the original intruder says, pointing to itself and its companion. It then designates itself and says “Jade,” then points to its companion and says “John.”
KARKAT: SO “HUMAN” IS ITS SPECIES, THEN.
TEREZI: H3H3H3H3! YOU 4LMOST W3NT 4ROUND C4LL1NG 1T 1TS SP3C13S N4M3!
KARKAT: SHUT IT. THERE WAS ONLY ONE OF THEM, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW.
Kanaya gestures to you and Vriska, saying “Troll.”
You have absolutely no idea how you’ll understand each other.
-----
EGBERT, J: any ideas for how to, like, talk to them?
STRIDER, D (JR.): with your mouth
LALONDE, R: Dave, they don’t speak English; or we don’t speak their language, depending on perspective; it’s statistically impossible. If we do speak the same language, that would be a massive leap forward for the Interventionary Evolution theory.
STRIDER, D (JR.): and what may i ask is that
LALONDE, R (JR.): The hypothesis describes that the God myths of ancient civilizations were actually encounters with extra-terrestrial beings. If we speak the same language, it would almost certainly mean that we picked it up from a common source. The probability is low, granted, but I think it’s worth a shot.
STRIDER, D (JR.): that actually makes a lot of sense
EGBERT, J: ok, i’m going to try.
“Hi!” you say to them. They stare at you in shock.
“…Hi?” the middle one (Karkat, you think?) says, scrunching his face as he analyses you.
“Do you speak our language, or do you just have a universal translator or something sci-fi like that?”
They all stand absolutely still.
The one that Karkat called Vriska pulls out a sword and charges at you.
-----
KARKAT: ALRIGHT, INTER-SPECIES COMMUNICATION. ANY IDEAS?
VRISKA: Psi-
KARKAT: APART FROM THAT.
VRISKA: You are a8solutely no fun.
KANAYA: Vriska Please Remember The Treaty
VRISKA: We were just wigglers! Stop holding me accounta8le for things that I can 8arely remem8er!
ARADIA: you killed me, crippled tavr0s and blinded terezi
VRISKA: I didn’t ask f8r a freaking rec8p, Megido!
The one called John opens its mouth; and to your extreme surprise, says something you can understand: “Hi!”
KARKAT: WHAT-
KANAYA: -The-
VRISKA: -hell?
“…Hi?” you say to it, unsure if it’s just a weird cosmic coincidence, but suspicious nonetheless.
“Do you speak our language, or do you just have a universal translator or something sci-fi like that?”
KANAYA: How Do They Know Our Language
SOLLUX: they what?
KANAYA: Theyre Speaking Fluent Alternian
VRISKA: Spies.
KARKAT: HUH?
VRISKA: They’ve 8een spying on us. That’s how they picked up our language. And we all know what the Condescension demands we do to spies.
KANAYA: Vriska No
KANAYA: !
Too late; she extracts her sword from its holster and charges at the one who spoke. She knocks it to the ground, sword on its throat, when you and her see something bouncing out of the bushes.
-----
EGBERT, J: hostile contact!
STRIDER, D (JR.): visor tints to full
STRIDER, D (JR.): flashbang out
-----
A brilliant white light appears, blinding you; you stumble around, bumping into Kanaya and sending you both toppling over onto a tent. As your vision clears, you can barely make out Vriska clutching her eyes as the armoured figures slip into the bushes and vanish.
-----
[SWITCHING FREQUENCIES: ONLINE WITH [ [PROWLER-CLASS SHIP: U.N.S.S. SHADOW STRIKE] OPERATIONS COMMAND] ]
EGBERT, J: this is team 6-N reporting hostile contact 30 meters south-south-west of my co-ordinates! request orbital strike, over.
SS-OPSCOM: Roger that Lieutenant. Be advised that an unidentified craft has entered the system and we are unable to provide ground support at this time.
EGBERT, J: this is a possible opsec compromise! there are hostile, intelligent aliens down here that know about us!
SS-OPSCOM: They’re up here too, searching for us. We will maintain this orbit for a maximum of 30 minutes. If you are not en route by that time, we will have to leave you and your team behind; these EM maskers need to vent very soon.
EGBERT, J: understood, opscom. egbert out.
[SWITHCING FREQUENCIES: ONLINE WITH [SPECIAL OPERATIONS UNIT 6-N] SQUAD COMMS]
EGBERT, J: 30 minutes ‘till the ship leaves, people! let’s move! rose, where’d you park our shuttle?
LALONDE, R (JR.): A klick north-west, in a clearing.
EGBERT, J: EVERYBODY RUN!
-----
[CURRENT TARGET: [INFILTRATOR-CLASS SHIP: HOLY MIRTH] PRIORITY NET]
KARKAT: SURFACE TEAM REQUESTING CULLING BOMBARDMENT, ONE UNIT RADIUS AROUND OUR LOCATION, EXCLUDING CAMP SITE. HOW COPY?
HOLY MIRTH: NO CAN DO.
HOLY MIRTH: we are FAR TOO BUSY UP HERE searching for a ship THAT WE KNOW IS HERE but we can’t fucking find.
HOLY MIRTH: maintain position while we SORT THIS SHIT OUT.
KARKAT: UNDERSTOOD.
[CURRENT TARGET: [IMPERIAL INCURSION UNIT 4C] ]
KARKAT: THE FUCKING CLOWNS WON’T TAKE THEM OUT. TOO BUSY KILLING EACH OTHER OR SOME SHIT.
SOLLUX: fuckiing clowns
SOLLUX: and the2e guy2 are our commander2 why
KARKAT: HEMOSPECTRUM BS.
KARKAT: EVERYONE STAY INSIDE THE CAMP. NO SEARCHING FOR THEM.
VRISKA: F8CK TH8T! Let’s go after them! Let’s m8ke them 8leed.
KARKAT: VRISKA, AS THE RANKING OFFICER HERE I ORDER YOU TO STAND DOWN.
VRISKA: N8!
KANAYA: Vriska Do Not Make Me Pap You Dont Think I Wont
VRISKA: F8CK YOU 8LL!
KARKAT: OK SHE JUST COLLAPSED OR SOMETHING, SO I GUESS THAT SOLVES THAT PROBLEM. EVERYONE: STAY. THE. FUCK. HERE.
-----
“Engines online,” Rose calls out from the cockpit. “Launching in five seconds.”
“Strap in, everyone!” you call out, buckling your harness.
The shuttle rockets up and out of the clearing at 126 meters per second and rising, going for intercept with the Shadow Strike. Atmospheric drag buffets the ship, causing unsecured items to go flying all around the crew bay. A container of water whacks Dave in the front of his head, knocking him unconscious; Jade is clutching her straps with a death grip. The shuttle break free of the Soup and the shaking dies down; Rose fine-tunes your trajectory to intercept the Shadow Strike.
-----
[CURRENT TARGET: [HOLY MIRTH] PNET]
KARKAT: SIGHTED SHUTTLE LAUNCH ROUGHLY 0.8 UNITS MAGNETIC POSITIVE MINUS 45 ANGLE UNITS.
HOLY MIRTH: we see it.
HOLY MIRTH: LAUNCHING SUBLIGHT HOMING TRACKER. let’s see where the motherfuckers think they’re running to.
-----
[SWITCHING FREQUENCIES: ONLINE WITH [ [U.N.S.S. SHADOW STRIKE] NAVIGATION COMMAND] ]
LALONDE, R (JR.): This is Shuttle 6 requesting clearance to dock with the U.N.S.S. Shadow Strike.
SS-NAVCOM: Clearance granted, S6. Please proceed to Bay 3 and dock starboard of the centre platform.
LALONDE, R (JR.): Shuttle 6 copies all. We are staying on this frequency until further notice.
SS-NAVCOM: Copy. Be advised, the Shadow Strike needs to leave within three minutes of this mark.
LALONDE, R (JR.): Understood; commencing docking procedures.
Rose fires the liquid engines to match velocity with the ship; she shuts them down and uses fine manoeuvring thrusters to line the shuttle up with the Docking Bay; she eases the ship in on RCS, lining up with the bay’s docking clamps. She pushes a button and the clamps lower, anchoring the shuttle to the ship.
LALONDE, R (JR.): Contact.
SS-NAVCOM: Copied. Do not exit your craft and prepare for superluminal travel. Shadow Strike NAVCOM out.
-----
[CURRENT TARGET: BATTLENET]
OPERATIONS: FounD them, bearing 27, 156.
NAVIGATION: Rotating along bearing; prepare for in-gravity well pha5e jump.
HEAD SUBJUGGLATOR: do it.
NAVIGATION: Pha5ing now. 5, four, three, two, one... contact bearing 60, distance 0.4 unit5.
WEAPONS: no theeermal signatureees deeeteeecteeed.
HEAD SUBJUGGLATOR: THE MOTHERFUCKERS THOUGHT THEY COULD HIDE FROM US! HA!
WEAPONS: disabling missileees, eeenabling starboard kineeetics.
HEAD SUBJUGGLATOR: FIRE.
WEAPONS: opeeening fireee.
OPERATIONS: 22% hits on target.
WEAPONS: salvo two out.
NAVIGATION: Increa5ed Antineutrino emi55ions; they’re charging 5ome kind of 5uperluminal drive.
HEAD SUBJUGGLATOR: find the engine core. BLOW IT SKY HIGH.
WEAPONS: eeemission location is beeeing maskeeed, your mirthfulneeess.
NAVIGATION: Their 5hip is burning on an e5cape trajectory!
HEAD JUBJUGGLATOR: follow them.
NAVIGATION: Rotating... firing 5ublight drive5! Interception in 15.
WEAPONS: chambeeers areee reeeloading.
OPERATIONS: Planet-siDe team remains un-culleD.
NAVIGATION: Dimen5ional warp technology detected!
HEAD SUBJUGGLATOR: prepare to track them.
NAVIGATION: No can do; can’t follow what we can’t catch.
NAVIGATION: rtjyrklyulllllll
[
[NAVIGATION]
HAS LEFT BATTLENET]
HEAD SUBJUGGLATOR: I WILL NOT TOLERATE FAILURE on my fucking ship. prepare a report to the church and pick up our ground team.
OPERATIONS: AcknowledgeD.
-----
[ONLINE WITH [
[U.N.S.S. SHADOW STRIKE]
GENERAL FREQUENCY]]
ARBAS, P: All decks, damage assessment.
ENGINEERING: negligible damage
GUNNERY: Torpedoes unstable, situation developing.
ARBAS, P: Gunnery, switch to private frequency.
GUNNERY: Roger.
[[GUNNERY] OFFLINE]
ECM: Thermal vent system heavily damaged. We will be unable to dispose of the ship’s waste heat.
“Attention ship’s company,” the Commander’s voice comes over the intercom, “we are abandoning the ship as soon as we exit FTL. All non-combat personnel are to report to escape pods. Military personnel are to report to the shuttle bays. Everyone move!”
“Rose,” you command, “keep the shuttle docked and wait for evacuees;” you gesture towards the loading bay.
“Copied.”
-----
“Shuttle’s full,” Rose says, “we should go before we get burned alive.”
“Copy that. Disengage docking clamps and take us out.”
The clamps release the shuttle and Rose fires the forward-facing thrusters to ease the ship out of the bay.
[SWITCHING FREQUENCIES: ONLINE WITH [
U.N.S.S. SHADOW STRIKE]
GENERAL FREQUENCY]]
LALONDE, R (JR.): This is Shuttle 6 reporting undocking; Godspeed to you all. Out.
[
[LALONDE, R (JR.)]
OFFLINE]
“Prepare a report to U.N. HIGHCOM,” you say, a slight hint of apprehension in your voice; “I think they’re going to want to hear this.”
You can't pin down why, but you have the strangest feeling of Déjà Vu.
-----
[CURRENT TARGET: [ [BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION] ABNORMAL OPERATIONS COMMAND] ]
KARKAT: I THINK WE JUST STARTED ANOTHER FUCKING WAR.