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So, you wound yourself up in a Dark World, and your ex thinks that you killing them is easier than taking Thorazine.
That's not good, but that's where we are. That's where I am, more accurately.
And let me tell you. I’ve gotta get out of here. Did you know I never actually said that verbatim? It’s kind of my “catchphrase”, supposedly. That’s weird. I digress.
But the point is, I’m getting out of here as soon as possible.
Ever heard of Games Done Quick?
So, the most important thing is sticking the landing. We’ve fallen a long way into the dark world, and if you kill my momentum I’m going to start monologuing.
I cannot start monologuing. (I promised my co-worker that I’d be back in ten minutes and by the Angel I am sticking by that.)
Enter the Oiled Sun Theatre.
There’s no preamble for that. I’m not giving it preamble.
Actually, while “The Performer” is giving me a title, I guess I should clarify what’s going on here.
I’m Cel. The little pixel guy on the screen of your ROM hack? Also Cel. I think it’s funny to refer to both in the first person, especially since this all happened.
That blue freak with the theatre mask is Casey. Or the Performer. Preferably the former. This is their world. I know, I know, you feel weird about mentioning them because of whatever happened with your ex. They’re part of the story.
Where were we? Oh, right.
So I’ve gotten my title and have been dropped into Treachery. The bad news is Treachery sucks. It’s all cold and shit. Even worse is that I think it’s procedurally generated in this hack.
The good news is that you can just skip it. The walls are cardboard. Walk into them just right and they’ll collapse.
(If this happens, Strawman will just join the party when Caricature does. Whoever made this game had a lot of failsafes! Almost too many!)
So you faff around with the hack’s combat for a while, skip all the dialogue even though it’s necessary information about the mechanics of the world. We’re doing speed here.
There is no easy way through Fraud and Malice. It just sucks.
Thankfully, though, this is one of the only optional encounters with Casey. If you make me stand in the corner- right there yeah- they’ll eventually get uncomfortable and leave.
If only that worked every other time, let me tell you. Did you know I’m still afraid of being touched?
(Don’t test that theory.)
Alright, so we skipped that encounter. We also skipped the Archetype battle, which means that I don’t have to get scarred for life! Fantastic.
Keep moving forwards. Again. Don’t let me monologue. You’ll be able to skip the encounters that way, and Violent Heresy is violently red and uncomfortable as is.
Here comes my favourite part. Because it’s funny as hell.
We make it to the Big City, okay? Antithesis will jump down as normal, talking about how I’m too quick- that’s not a speedrun thing, it actually said all of that- and will start dragging me to fight it.
Here’s the kicker. Your horizontal movement is (understandably) restricted. But your vertical movement isn’t.
And the screens in the Big City are broken. Figuratively. I don’t take my chances with broken glass.
If you just move up at the right angle, I’ll end up falling through like some kind of metaphysical ragdoll. The game- okay, I don’t know how coding works so this is a guess- just kind of searches for the next place where I’m separated from my party, which happens to be in the city’s tower.
Get me scarred for life by clay, and I’ll immediately be in another conversation with Casey. You’re saving a lot of time. Just let this happen.
Proceed as normal until you get to the Thunderdome. There’s a glitch here where if you give someone the thing that the Personal Demon wants it’ll just act like I gave the thing to it, and you’ll basically be done.
This kind of bugs out the Thunderdome, but that’s okay. We’ll be leaving.
Time for the worst part of the speedrun. The obligatory boat ride. Constant Consumption. What the hell are those spawn things. Why are they here. I’ve still never gotten a conclusive answer for this. No one’s explained it. You can’t skip this, just try to play well.
…Good enough. What’s next?
…
Just ask to skip the Gallery. Please. Spotletta will begrudgingly agree, and the two of us will part ways having gained absolutely nothing.
Don’t force me to relive the date either. Yeah, skip the dialogue. It’ll probably annoy Casey but it’ll work. With that, you’ve made it to the Castle.
(Casanova Castle. Bullshit pun.)
This is really just memorization work, so… hand the controller over and I’ll do it. We’re not above mazes here, apparently. The good news is it’s only two floors of this.
How long’s it been? 8 minutes?
Fuck we have two left before I lied about taking ten minutes. Okay. We just have to do the Casey fight, and you can skip the first half of it by making me interrupt their monologue. Which is fair, because it’s rude.
Slap the mask off their face, and the two of us can get the hell out of here!
You know, the Fountain here is weird because I don’t think we actually closed it? So I guess the ROM hack is kind of wrong? I’m not really sure. Its guess is probably as good as mine.
But we ended up back in Casey’s dorm like nothing had happened. So I guess it’s no big deal.
Congrats. You survived Dragon Blazing 2: Tragedy in Blue. Get back to Corpsebucks.
…
(Who’s Prophet?)