Chapter Text
I was wearing my sunglasses but I had to blink anyway when I looked up from my book. I'd been so engrossed in the story that I'd completely forgotten about everything around me. Returning to the sunlit beach after the wintry setting of the novel was a bit of a shock. The rushing of the waves and the scraps of conversation and laughter that drifted towards me from Tayar and Fenia's pavilion sounded preternaturally loud. Fenia and Ani were playing a board game while the baby slept in her bassinet next to them.
The shadow of our pavilion had wandered so that the right side of my body was exposed to the sun. I shifted back into the shade and, despite my glasses, shielded my eyes with my hand to look for the Doctor and Mia.
The Doctor was still busy building the sandcastle he and Mia had started earlier. The gentle breeze was playing with his hair and tugging at the loose shirt he was wearing. He was on his knees, sculpting an elaborately decorated tower. Mia, however, was nowhere to be seen.
I froze. My gaze turned swiftly towards the gentle waves not far from the castle. What if she had wandered off, bored by her father's concentration? We had both lost ourselves completely in our respective fantastical worlds, his castle and my book. Mia loved the sea; it was hard to get her out of the water, even when her teeth were clattering and her lips had turned blue. But there was no one in the water.
Just as I was about to call out to the Doctor, my chest tight, I heard voices behind me. When I turned around I saw it was Tayar with the boys and Mia. She was skipping along, her ponytail swishing excitedly. When they reached the edge of the beach Tayar held her back with his arm around her middle. He whispered something to her as she leaned into him. She nodded, her cheeks dimpled by her mischievous smile. Then she ran towards her father, ignoring me.
“Daddy!”
He looked up at once, despite his concentration he was always aware of what was going on around him, particularly when it came to Mia. He sat back on his heels and opened his arms as she threw herself at him. I could hear a little “Oof,” escaping him as she wrapped her arms around him.
I closed my book and watched them. They shared a very special bond, and sometimes I couldn't help feeling a little left out. It was silly, I knew, but since I had never known my father I had given all my love to my Mum; until I met the Doctor and then had Mia, I couldn't imagine extending this kind of unconditional love to anyone. I was very glad that Mia had both of us.
“Hey, accalein,” Tayar said. He was standing just outside the pavilion and I gestured for him to join me. The pavilion was a tent without walls erected over a collection of blankets, cushions and a very low table; Mia called it our parlour on the beach. I watched her producing something from the pocket of her dress, cupping it carefully in both her hands to show her treasure to her daddy. The Doctor cradled her hands in one of his and looked at what lay nestled there, probably a beautifully coloured pebble or a shell; the empty husk of a Ruulim firefly, or maybe a couple of the rare nisiuu berries that grew in the grassy dunes behind the beach. His face lit up, and he raised his head, his eyes searching mine. When our gazes locked, he blushed a little and bent his head to whisper to our daughter.
“We went for a little walk,” Tayar said, watching his boys join the board game. His arms went around his bare knees. “I should have told you I was taking Mia, but you were so lost in your book I didn't want to disturb you.”
“It's okay,” I said. “Fenia and the Doctor would have told me.”
“Are you all right? You look a little sad,” he asked.
I smiled at him, glad for my sunglasses. Then I looked at the Doctor and Mia again. He was cuddling her to him, showering her face with little kisses and she was giggling. "Not sad, no, not really. It's just that I never really knew my father,” I said.
“Oh,” Tayar said. “I'm sorry.”
“I only missed him when I saw Mum did,” I said. “Sometimes, she'd pull out an old photo album and tell me stories. Once, I talked the Doctor into taking me to see him; it nearly destroyed the universe, but it was so worth it. I would have loved to get to know him better. To see if I could share Mum with him.”
Tayar remained silent, and I was glad I had told him. I didn't expect him to say anything, because what could you possibly say? His presence and his willingness to listen were why I loved him so much, and a silence shared with him was never awkward.
The breeze brought a bit of a relief from the heat and made the wind chimes Mia had insisted we put up tinkle. Even at the seaside, a short tram journey from Barracan, it was very hot, but it was better than staying in dusty Lufana. The past several summers there had been much like our first summer on Ruul: extraordinarily hot, and by now the people from the University had joined the people from the Observatory to research the phenomenon. The Doctor was sure that Ruul was undergoing a climate change, only that it was not an ice age, but a fire age.
We shared the huge cloistered villa at the beach with Tayar's family. It was called Accala, because there was a large reef of acca just outside the cove. A path made up with faded grey boards led from the open side of the cloister at the heart of the villa down to the private beach, continuing, in a manner of speaking, out into the water as a long, silvery grey jetty. We came to Accala as often as we could; even in winter it was beautiful out here. It was here that the Doctor had recovered from the winter fever, and we both were sure it was the place I had gotten pregnant with Mia.
Just then, the baby began to cry, rousing both of us from our thoughts. “Ah,” Tayar said. “She wants me.” He climbed to his feet. “I was meaning to say, the nimi want to have a sleepover at ours tonight; something about ghost stories. I don't know how they come up with these things,” he said. “Is it okay if Mia joins us?”
I nodded, grinning. “Of course.”
The baby cried more insistently. The left corner of his mouth twitched. “Stupid question,” he said and left. I watched him pick up the baby and feel her diaper-padded bum. He grimaced and left for the villa to change and feed her. Fenia smiled up at him and I had to look away. Yoru would have been so happy to see his sister like this. He'd been ecstatic when the twins arrived. I wished dearly he were still with us to see that they'd gotten another brother and sister; that I'd had Mia.
The Doctor had let go of Mia and she was inspecting the castle, looking at times thoughtful and delighted. Tom joined them, dropping to his knees beside her. I smiled. Mia and Tom were inseparable, despite the age difference. One would think that Tom, at nearly eight, wouldn't bother with five year-olds, not even with his younger brother. Mia, however, was different; wherever she was, Tom wasn't far, and vice versa. The Doctor, Tom and Mia were discussing the castle in earnest, completely oblivious to the world around them.
“Rose?” Startled, I looked up. It was Ben, looking shyly at me. He was very quiet, just like his father, and the most serious five year-old I'd ever seen.
“Hi, Ben,” I said, smiling.
“I'd like to go swimming. Will you go with me?” The children weren't allowed in the water unless one of us went with them, although all four of them were good swimmers. We felt that they needed more experience before they could go swimming alone. Lufanians did not go swimming at all, and since there were no pools anywhere in the city, the nimi only ever practised when we were staying at Accala.
“That's a good idea,” I said, taking off my glasses and pulling my sun dress over my head to reveal my bathing suit. The TARDIS had equipped both our families with swim suits since the ones available in Barracan were made of a material that when waterlogged became heavy and uncomfortable, making moving in the water unnecessarily hard, and dangerous. Ben had already changed into his swim suit and took my hand as soon as I was ready.
The water was warm, but cool enough to be refreshing, and in the shelter of the cove the waves were gentle. They could, however, turn into a force to be reckoned with, and naturally that was when the children wanted to play in them most. I usually joined them then, despite my fear, because staying in the house or watching from the beach was not an option I'd go mad with worry, so it was better to throw myself into the waves.
-:-
“Mummy!”
When Mia’s voice rang through the house I jumped a little. Although I knew that the Doctor was with her, she cried my name with such urgency and distress that I was slightly alarmed; my worst nightmare was of hearing her cry for me like that and being unable to find her, or not in time to save her. I quickly covered the picnic basket with a clean tea towel and put it beneath the counter before she ran into the kitchen. I crouched, opening my arms for her. To my surprise she was in her pyjamas, her hair in a plait; she was ready for bed. Had she changed her mind?
“What’s up, accanim?” I asked her, rubbing her back soothingly.
“I wanted to go over to Tom’s,” she sniffed.
“Yeah, that was the plan. What happened?” I asked, peeling her little arms off my neck so I could look at her. Tears were welling in her dark eyes and her bottom lip was trembling. This was real, not crocodile tears.
“Tayar said I could come over tonight. For ghost stories!” she said, her eyes lighting up at that last sentence. Mia loved a good story. Ghost stories were the latest craze with the kids. I had no idea who had come up with it.
“Yeah, he did,” I said, confused. “Did he say you couldn’t come?” There went my plans for a romantic night with the Doctor, a night of passion without us having to fear Mia would find us.
“No!” she said. “Daddy said I can’t.”
Oh.
“Oh, sweetheart, that’s my mistake. I forgot to tell him,” I said, ashamed of myself. It was one thing to forget to tell the Doctor, but it was another if it affected my precious child so. “It’s okay, you can go.”
Her face lit up. “Really?”
“Yes, they’re probably waiting for you already, ready to start. Good night, accanim,” I said, kissing her chubby cheek. She giggled and squealed, cuddling with me for a moment before letting go of me.
The Doctor clearing his throat made us look up, Mia triumphantly, me... chagrined. “I’m sorry, love, I...” I began, standing.
“You go and have fun, yanapili’sam,” he said, sliding down the door frame to a crouching position. He held his arms open for her, and Mia went to give him a hug and a kiss good night. Then she took off towards the Pagao family’s part of the house. The Doctor stretched his legs out beneath him and sat on the pale pink kitchen floor. “Well.”
“Well,” I said, “I thought it would be nice to have the night off.”
He nodded thoughtfully. Then, terrified, he looked up. “I haven’t forgotten something important, have I?”
I laughed. “No, you haven’t. Actually, it was the nimi’s idea to have a sleepover, and Tayar told me this afternoon while you were busy building the castle.”
”Oh.”
“I have prepared a little something. For later. Fancy a walk on the beach?” I asked, retrieving the picnic basket from its hiding place and holding out my hand for him, wiggling my fingers invitingly, just like he’d done all those years ago in the falling ashes of Christmas. He took my hand, stood and pulled me towards him.
“Does that mean we have the house all to ourselves tonight?” he asked, drawing me closer. He kissed me gently.
“That’s the general idea of sending kids to sleepovers, yes,” I said.
“I was horrible to her,” he said, his delight fading.
I chuckled. “She’ll forgive you anything, iyo. I should have told you.”
“Good thing I know how you can make it up to me then,” he said, the smile returning to his face.
“It doesn’t happen to involve a walk on the beach, does it?”
“Actually, ngudia sam, it does,” he said, leaning in for another kiss. He was swaying gently from side to side as he held me, as if dancing to music only he could hear. “Semrath ngudia tu ki faro?”
“Tell me,” I mumbled into his shoulder. He smelled of a day spent at the beach, a warm, salty smell that made me want to crawl into him more than ever. For a moment, when his lips found mine again and he deepened the kiss, I was tempted to have the picnic in bed, but everything was ready on the beach. I’d so wanted to be with him on the beach, for a long time, that this moment was worth giving up for the memories I hoped we were going to make.
“Come, c’mon, let’s go to the beach, yeah?” I whispered, a little breathless.
“I was... I want to...”
“Please?”
He sighed but smiled. “Yeah.”
I let go of him and bent to retrieve the picnic hamper from underneath the counter. His eyes widened a little when he saw it, and he took it from me at once, weighing it appreciatively. “I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve you,” he said, grinning.
“Beats me,” I shrugged, tucking my tongue into the corner of my mouth. I held out my hand to him. He took it, his fingers sliding in between mine, and we went down the wooden path to the beach. The boards were still warm beneath my feet, and, as always just after dusk, the Ruulim cricket population began their concert. The closer we got to the beach, the more clearly I could hear the surf, and it struck me that this night was perfect. Although we usually took walks on the beach I had never felt so overcome with happiness as I did that night. I squeezed the Doctor’s fingers, not knowing what to do with myself, how to show my joy. I couldn’t even laugh out loud.
We dropped off the basket in our pavilion, then went to the end of the jetty and sat, our feet in the water. “You’re very quiet,” he said softly, both his hands gripping the edge of the jetty, his knuckles pale in the moonlight.
“I’m so happy, Doctor,” I said.
His head whipped around. “You are?”
“Yeah,” I said, looking at my hands. There were no words, not in all the languages of the universe, to express how I felt at that moment. It was like loving him, in a way. I would never be able to tell him, and even showing him, making love to him sometimes failed to get the whole idea across, because ultimately, I’d get distracted by my own pleasure, even when I wanted it to be all about him. The closest I ever got was when we shared imiyatun. I lifted my gaze to look out over the cove. The moonlight was incredibly beautiful on the water, like liquid diamonds. “I love you and Mia so much it hurts,” I whispered.
“Oh. Rose...” There was more that he wanted to say but I knew that, just like me, he was still helpless in the power of our love. No matter how long we’d be together, I didn’t think we’d ever understand it, or try to tame it into something less raw. I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to let that happen.
“It’s so overwhelming sometimes,” I continued softly. “But I like it that way.”
“Good,” he said, a smile in his voice. “I suppose.”
We didn’t speak for a few moments, and then the moment was gone. I drew up my feet. The water was still pleasantly warm, and I suddenly knew how to vent my joy without regressing into a squealing teenager. The Doctor’s eyes followed me as I stood. His jaw dropped as I took the hem of my dress and pulled it up and over my head. I brushed off my knickers and held out my hand to him. “Let’s go for a swim.”
He just stared at me, and the intensity of his expression sent shivers down my spine. He stood, and I watched him as he began to undress unhurriedly, his eyes never leaving my face. Bit by bit he revealed his chest, but I resisted the urge to reach out and touch him, to run my fingers through the hair there. His shirt rustled to the ground as he shrugged it off. I must have sighed, or whimpered, or made some such embarrassing sound because he sighed too.
“Like what you see then?” he asked.
My eyes snapped up to his. I had expected him to look at me with that mischievous glint in them, but the look on his face was almost one of astonishment. “You’re gorgeous in the moonlight,” I said. His skin looked like velvet and silk, shimmering and shining at the same time. If I touched it, it would feel smooth and malialion, his muscles rippling beneath it. I shifted my weight and took a small step back. “Take the rest of your clothes off.”
He unbuttoned his trousers, let them slide down his legs and stepped out of them. He was getting hard in his pants, and I gestured for him to take them off as well. I curled my toes into the pale wood. “Tam shia ngarthu,” I whispered, unmoving.
He sighed, and hardened a little more, despite himself. He’d never been good at accepting compliments, no matter how cocky he could be sometimes. That was just part of his façade. But I had peeled those layers off long ago. Still, his coyness surprised me every time I told him that he was beautiful.
I stepped towards him and placed my hands over his hearts. They were beating fast.
“Rose,” he said. I met his eyes as he reached out for me and his fingers fanned out on my back. “I love you.” He said the three words with so much sincerity that my heart skipped a beat.
I slid my hands up around his neck and stepped closer into his arms for a deep kiss. His erection pressed into my stomach and I moaned as desire flared up inside me. He hummed in appreciation as I explored his mouth with my tongue. When his taste washed over me I was surprised by how hungry I was for him.
He surprised me by literally sweeping me off my feet as he returned the kiss. One arm around my shoulders, the other beneath the backs of my knees, he held me close, and all I could do was squeal and wrap my arms around his neck. He began to chuckle, which soon became a laugh when he turned around and around. He threw his head back in delight as he let out his joy. I had never seen him like this before, so I held on to him and smiled.
Suddenly, he yelped as he lost his balance, stepping into thin air instead of on solid wood. His hold around me tightened as I cried out. Then we hit the water with a loud splash. The water, although warm, was still a shock on my hot skin, and as I opened my mouth under water, all the air rushed from my lungs. We were sinking deeper and deeper, our combined weight and momentum pulling us down. For some reason, I was unable to let go of him.
The splash rang in my ears and was replaced with the muffled sound of sloshing water as we sank, clouds of bubbles swirling around us. Other than that, there was no sound at first. Then, I could hear the blood rushing in my ears as my heart beat out a frantic rhythm. I needed to get up, to get away from the Doctor.
His skin looked ghostly pale under water, his hair floating around him like a dark halo. His eyes were closed, and, unable to breathe, I willed him to look at me. Finally, I managed to let go of him with one hand to touch his temple and let him know I needed to breathe. Something was weighing down heavy on my chest and it was not his arms holding me to him.
::I need to breathe,:: I cried at him in my thoughts.
A constant trail of bubbles was escaping his nose, but other than that he looked perfectly fine. He could hold his breath for a long time. His eyes snapped open, panicked. He let go of my legs to cup the back of my head and draw me towards him. ::Lyansu'ra,:: he urged me. ::Trust me.::
I kissed him, and when his tongue begged entry I opened up for him. Air began to stream into my lungs as he shared his breath with me. ::Easy, easy,:: he told me as he sensed my desire to draw in big lungfuls of air.
As soon as my feet hit the sand at the bottom of the cove, I let go of him and pushed myself upwards, drawing back my arms to gain even more momentum. The water wasn’t very deep at this point, but I had lost orientation because the fall had come as such a surprise. I tried to stay calm, but my instinct to get up, to rise and break the surface to breathe fresh air was overwhelming. The Doctor was so surprised that he let go of me and I slipped away from him, upwards.
After what seemed a very long time, I finally broke the surface and gasped for air, drawing in of it as much as I could, at the same time treading water to keep myself afloat. The first few lungfuls were painful and once or twice I spluttered as I breathed in a bit of water as well. But I could breathe, and that was all that mattered.