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“Hey Lily!“
“James.”
“I need to talk to you.”
James shuffled with his feet, obviously not sure how to start with whatever he wanted to say. Lily grew uneasy. She didn’t have the slightest idea what he wanted but it seemed to be serious.
He exhaled sharply and blurted it out. “I’m gay. Or bisexual. Not hundred percent sure yet.”
Lily blinked. Wait… what? She stared at him dumbly. She had definitely not expected something like that. Gay? James? She looked him up and down, searching for a sign that he was making fun of her. But either he had improved his skills at tricking Lily (she always sensed when he tried to do that) or he was absolutely serious.
Lily frowned. They wanted to get married in a week. Why did he tell her that now? Did he want to cancel the wedding? Was he looking for a way out? Just when she was about to ask him, confused about the timing, not to speak about the actual topic, he continued, though he wasn’t looking at her but at his feet.
“Sirius wants me to go through with the wedding, use it as cover for me being gay but Remus says it’ll only make me miserable and I should back out. They both don’t think I should tell you, but you are my friend and you have a right to know, have a right to decide what you want. Because I don’t think I’ll be miserable in a marriage with you, just the opposite, I’m sure we’ll get along extremely well. So, I leave the decision to you because I would marry you nonetheless. A cover for being gay is good and we are friends, so...” He shrugged but still didn’t really look at her.
Lily was speechless for long moments. She knew that it was still (no matter how sad she thought it to be) common for gay men to marry a woman to better hide that they preferred men. But she had never thought that she might become such a wife. Or that James might be such a man.
“Sirius and Remus know?”
James blushed. It had been the first thing on her mind and she had voiced it without thought.
“They... um, we are ... kind of in a relationship.”
“The three of you?”
Now she was definitely shocked. Because: a relationship between three people, between three men? It meant Sirius and Remus were gay, too, though.
“Um, yeah.” He glanced at her, clearly nervous and unsure how she would react.
Lily wasn’t sure how she should react. Maybe she should be disgusted but James was, besides everything, her friend. And what did she care if he liked men or women?
“I wish you would have told me earlier.”
“I know. I’m sorry. Do you hate me now?” There was an edge of desperation in his voice.
And that was when she stepped forward and hugged him. Hard. “I don’t hate you, you idiot. And if it helps you, I’ll marry you. I wouldn’t want to leave you alone with this. We are friends and friends help each other. I’m really glad you told me before the wedding, though.” It was all acting on impulse, what she did as well as what she said. Her mind hadn’t caught up all the way but it felt right to act as she did. It felt like the only way to act. Maybe later she could really think about it, what James had said and how she had reacted to it, but for now she simply did what felt good to her.
James hugged her back, burying his face in her neck. He shuddered. “God, I’m so glad you are not repelled by it all. It wasn’t even that I was afraid you wouldn’t want to marry me anymore. I could understand it. But I was so scared to lose you as my friend.” He shuddered again and Lily stroked his back soothingly. She wasn’t so sure she did the right thing here, but how could she leave James now? The times were hard enough at the moment, with the war in the wizard world and the threat of the Dark Lord, being gay in their community was extremely hard, too, and to lose a friend on top of it all? Not going to happen.
After his confession Lily realized how tense James had been before, the last weeks, maybe even months. She hadn’t noticed it then, but now that the tension was gone it was evident in every move he made, in every word he said, in how he looked at her. And Lily was unbelievably glad that he hadn’t listened to his two friends and hidden the truth from her.
They had an extremely nice evening together, laughing a lot and having fun like they had had seldom before. When they watched a movie, they cuddled but it was more as two friends than as two lovers and Lily thought that it was wonderful. She also realized that she, in fact, didn’t love James. She liked him, a lot, but the way she wasn’t even disappointed about how their relationship had suddenly changed made it clear that it wouldn’t have been a marriage out of love from her part, too. Yes, they suited each other perfectly but that didn’t mean they were in love. Strange how she only realized this now. The war in the wizard world had probably made them marry faster. Had made them think less about it.
Lily smiled because though her husband would be gay, she was sure that they would be happy together.
When James left and hugged her instead of giving her a good night kiss as usual, a thought struck Lily all of a sudden: “What about sex?” She asked before her mind could stop her mouth. Instantly she blushed, furiously.
James frowned. “We can have sex. I think you are sexy and I’m sure it’ll work. That’s why I said I was bi instead of gay.”
The statement only made Lily blush more but she had started the topic so she could as well finish it. She couldn’t possibly get any redder by now. Or any more embarrassed.
“That’s, um, good to know. But what will your... what will Sirius and Remus say?”
He grimaced. “They would have said it’s okay, before, but now that you know it, I’m not so sure anymore. They might feel as if I’m cheating, at least Remus, since he is against the marriage. I’ll discuss it with them and come back to you?”
“What?” He would discuss with his boyfriends weather or not he would/should have sex with his wife? “I don’t think so. I’ll just make a decision now: as long as you are sleeping with them, or one of them, or anyone, I don’t want you sleeping with me. But I also expect you not to go roaming for affairs, especially not with women. I expect from you to be faithful in that issue.”
“Okay. Deal. It’s not as if I want a free pass from you for everyone out there. And I won’t ever go for a woman, we’ll be married after all and I stick to the promises that’ll bring with it.” He took her hand and squeezed, smiling a little at Lily. “Not even sex on our wedding night?”
“Not even then, no.”
It wouldn’t feel right, not under those circumstances.
Lily would have liked to say that it wouldn’t be a problem because she could have a boyfriend at the side, but it would go against the promise she’d make with marrying James. Just as he wouldn’t have a girlfriend. Lily could only ever have sex with another woman and she was one hundred percent sure that she wasn’t bisexual and therefore that wasn’t an option.
James nodded. Hugged her again and left.
Suddenly Lily felt sad. And a little lonely as she went to bed.
The next day, Lily was sure she had made the right decision. The only problem remaining was that she didn’t want to be a virgin for the rest of her life. She only had six more days until her wedding. And there was only one person she knew who would never judge her and whom she could trust unconditionally.
A few hours later an extremely nervous but also positive-to-do-the-right-thing Lily in-six-days-called-Potter rang the doorbell of Severus Snape’s house.
The dark haired, always scowling man opened the door and froze. Lily had never been at his house, had spoken seldom with him since her engagement with James, so she suspected it was quite a surprise for him to see her now.
Lily took a deep breath and smiled. “Hey, can I come in?”
“Of course!” Severus closed the door behind her and motioned her through one of two doors leaving the small corridor. It was a kitchen with a seating area. The other door probably led to his bedroom.
“Why are you here? You know that it is dangerous for you to be seen with me.”
Lily knew. Because Severus was on Voldemort’s side, had pledged his allegiance to the Dark Lord, was a Death Eater.
But he had been her friend during school and they had never lost contact completely afterwards. She hadn’t told anyone that they were still friends but in her eyes Severus wasn’t bad. She didn’t know why he was on the dark side but she knew that he would never harm her. She even hoped a little that he was only a spy but she would never ask him. Her knowing something like that would make it more dangerous for him and she thought it was unfair of her to make him lie to her. On the other hand, it might only be wishful thinking on her part and not true and she feared she would be disappointed then. Not that it really mattered. They were friends. What did it matter what political opinion he had?
He had always been there for her, and she for him. When she had had something serious to discuss, a secret she felt the need to talk about, Lily had always gone to Severus and she trusted him with all she had. It had taken Severus a long time to trust her like that, too, but now he did come to here when something was bothering him. He had even talked with her about the Dark Lord once.
She couldn’t tell him about James, Sirius and Remus, though, because he’d never harm her but he might do so with those three. He hated them with every fibre of his being. Not that Lily could blame him the way the three together had always treated him. Besides, it was their secret and not hers, she had no right to speak about it.
So she couldn’t tell him the reason why she was here today but she’d tell him as much as she could. She wouldn’t use his loyalty towards her selfishly. She didn’t want to hurt Severus. But in her loneliness he was the only person now she could come to and even that was extremely risky, which was why this was probably the only time she would be brave enough to come here in person. And this braveness was born a little out of desperation and lack of time. Six days! Then her whole life would change.
“I have a secret I can’t tell, not even you, but I am lonely and you always make me feel better.”
His breath hitched and he hesitated. Then he took her in his arms. “Lily, you are about to be married. Don’t you think you should go to your future husband instead of to me?”
Lily hid her face in his robes, clutching at his clothes, relieved that he would hug her without reservations. “I can’t.” Her voice was muffled that way. It was so good to be in Severus’ embrace. He was so calm and this calm spread onto her until she felt better, more centred, no matter what had happened. It had always been like that, had never changed throughout all those years.
“What do you expect me to do?”
Lily gazed up at him and their eyes met. She hadn’t been sure if she would actually go through with it, but now, when he looked at her like that, as if he would do anything to make her happy, she felt so cherished that she wanted to give herself to him, to make herself a present for him. He should be her first. No matter if James and she would one day have sex, Severus should have to honour to be the first for her. Because it would be an honour for him.
Without saying anything, she grabbed his hair and pulled his head down to hers. He followed without resistance. For one second she hesitated. If she kissed him now, there was no going back from it.
But in his arms she felt safe and just a little bold and so she kissed him. At first he tensed, clearly not sure how to react. But when she pressed closer, their bodies touching from head to toes, and she brushed her tongue over his bottom lip lightly, he reacted.
Like a starving man he took her mouth, one hand fisted in her hair and the other on her lower back so she couldn’t move away. Not that she wanted to. Slowly he pushed her backwards until she hit a wall. And he kept kissing her, devouring her mouth with his.
Lily could feel his arousal growing against her stomach. She sighed in his mouth as she melted against him. Her whole body felt as if it was on fire, her heart beating too fast and too loud, butterflies making her stomach tingle. And through it all was the steadiness of Severus body against hers, strong and unyielding. Safe.
She felt as if she was in heaven. No kiss with anyone had ever made her feel like she did now. She wanted more of it, heady with the pleasure a simple kiss could bring. What would the rest be like if this was already so spectacular?
So she tried to push Severus a little away but he only left her enough room to gasp out one word. “Bed” He acted immediately, taking her on his arms and carrying her into his bedroom. As soon as she hit the covers he was over her again, kissing, and now his hands began to roam. He wasn’t in a hurry but he wasn’t slow either. It seemed he didn’t want to give Lily the chance to stop this, maybe didn’t want to give himself the chance to stop this. Because he was an honourable man and as soon as his mind would kick in he wouldn’t do something like that, sleeping with a girl six days before her wedding would take place. No matter if the man she would marry was one of the people he hated most in the world.
But she had taken him by surprise and now he was on the roll.
Lily enjoyed it, every touch of Severus making her body burn brighter, making her arousal sharper. He hadn’t even undressed her and she knew she was close to coming. She gasped and moaned and moved against his hands, against his mouth, pulled him closer when he moved too far away.
She tried to get his robes off and wondered for a second why someone had invented something that was so hard to get off of someone else. Then it was lying on the floor and she thought she might like it after all, because underneath he was only wearing shorts.
Lily’s top, bra and pants followed and they were now both almost naked. Lily shivered as they lay skin against skin, Severus on top of her, kissing her, so hot above her, his heart beating as furiously as her own.
He felt wonderful under her hands, against her body, his mouth on hers. She had never imagined that it could be like that. And she was sure it would never be like that with James. But the thought was gone again in an instant, James having no place here.
Severus ground against her, lying between her legs and Lily gasped as his hardness rubbed against her centre. He groaned and stopped, his forehead on her shoulder. “Lily, I’m sorry, I won’t last very long.”
Lily was gasping for air like a fish. Her brain needed a few seconds to process what he had said. Then she laughed breathlessly while still trying to get air into her lungs. “Doesn’t matter, I’m about seconds away, if you touch me just once it’ll be enough.”
He groaned again then he pushed his shorts down. Lily wriggled out of her under pants while she watched Severus. He wasn’t this super gorgeous type all women lusted after. But he had a quite beauty, something unique that she loved about him.
When he was back she pulled him close again, kissing him. She could feel him hot and hard at her opening and moved her hips against him, kind of like an encouragement. Severus shuddered but he moved his hand down and positioned himself. Slowly he entered her then, still kissing her though it was sloppy, from both sides, both too breathless and too close to orgasm. Lily was overwhelmed by the feeling of Severus being inside of her.
It was a little painful, but not too much so and she was so aroused she probably simply didn’t feel much pain right now. When he was fully inside of her, he pushed against her and the friction that tiny movement caused was what had been missing. Lily clutched his shoulders, breaking their kiss and lifting her hips up while Severus hissed through clenched teeth and moved, gliding out and in again, and Lily came. If she had had enough air she might have screamed from the pleasure of it but she could only gasp, shivering and making tiny sounds in the back of her throat.
With a shudder Severus came, too, groaning and holding her tight until his body slowly relaxed above hers.
Then he rolled off her, not saying anything, just staring at the ceiling and not touching her anymore, either. Lily suspected this was the moment his brain started to work again. So she turned towards him, still a little dazed from the force of her orgasm.
“Everything alright?”
Severus pulled his arm above his eyes. “No. What have I done? Damn it all, if James ever learns about this...”
Lily put her hand on his arm. He flinched but didn’t pull away. “Don’t make yourself responsible for this. You know that I started it.”
“Yeah, and I took complete advantage of you though you only wanted me to comfort you.”
She smiled. “Severus, do you really think I would let you take advantage of me if I didn’t want it? Do you really think I didn’t know what would happen if I kissed you? Come on,” she pulled at the arm still covering his eyes, “look at me.”
He peeked underneath his arm at her. Lily grinned. Because damn did Severus look good as dishevelled as he was right now. The after-sex look suited him.
He sighed. “Then why did you kiss me? Did you want this to happen? What about James? Don’t you want to marry him anymore?”
“Those are many questions. To tell you the truth, because I’d never lie to you, yes, I wanted this to happen. I kind of came to you with the possibility of seducing you. I would never have guessed that one kiss would be enough. With James is everything okay. I still want to marry him but our situation got kind of complicated.” Her smiled had vanished by now. “I can’ tell you more than that. I’m sorry, I feel bad about not being able to tell you everything but I’m not allowed to. I can only say that it is complicated and I felt like this, like coming to you today, was the right thing for me to do. I just hope you won’t be mad at me for not telling you before but I was not bold enough for that.”
He raised his eye brows. “And kissing me was less bold?” A shake of his head. “I’d never be mad at you, you know that.” Now he tugged her closer again until her head rested on his shoulder and their whole bodies were touching. “I still don’t understand it but I’ll take what I can get and trust you. When do you have to leave?”
“Tomorrow morning I have to be at home. I can stay until then if it is safe enough.”
His arms around her tightened. “A whole day and a night.” It wasn’t more than a whisper but Lily knew how much it would mean to Severus. A hand under her chin moved her head until they could look each other in the eye. “I don’t know what James did to make you come to me today but you can’t imagine how happy I am about it. If I could, I would ask you to marry me, to leave him, because clearly you staying with him can’t be what you truly want anymore. I would leave the side of the Dark Lord immediately, I’d do anything for you.”
“I know.” And she did. This man, he would lay the world at her feet. “But aside from the fact that leaving the Dark Lord doesn’t work, I’ve heard what he does to those that change their opinion. I will marry James, I’ve promise him. It won’t be like I imagined it at the beginning but it won’t be bad either. I won’t be miserable and I’m sure we’ll get along perfectly fine. This, today, is non-recurring. It can’t happen again, ever. Not only because it’s dangerous, but because once I’m married, I’ll be true to my husband. I’m so sorry Severus. Maybe things could have gone differently but now it is too late, for both of us.”
Severus sighed and hugged her close again, kissing her on the top of her head. “I know. I’m sorry, too. There were just too many things that went wrong when we were young, too many decisions we made that are irrevocable.”
They stayed like that for several minutes, just lying there. Then Lily pushed herself up on her elbows and looked down at Severus. “So, we have the rest of this day and the whole night. I don’t have to be fit tomorrow, I’ll just have to be there. And I want to enjoy every minute I have with you until then.”
The smile she got in answer was the most beautiful she had ever seen before Severus pulled her head down and kissed her.
They hugged one last time, both knowing that it was possible that they’d never see each other again. When they stepped away from each other Severus opened his mouth to say something but it seemed he couldn’t get the words out. It wasn’t necessary. Lily knew what he wanted to say, could see it in his eyes. “I love you, too.” It was only a whisper but it was enough. She had realized it was true, only now it was too late. She thought her heart would break when Severus tugged one strand of her red hair behind her ear. “Only you. Forever.” His voice was rough.
Then he opened the door and she had to leave.
Five days later, when she was standing next to James at the altar, Lily was sure she could still feel Severus. Feel his hands on her skin, his lips against hers, his body moving over her, against her, in her. He was all around her and she only felt a little bit guilty that she thought about him while she was marrying someone else.
Their goodbye had been so sad, Lily had almost cried. Because on this morning she had realized that she was marrying the wrong man, that she had been together with the wrong man all along. But even if she didn’t marry James now she could never be with Severus. Because he and her were on different sides in this war. They could both not change their sides anymore, Severus not because the Dark Lord never let anyone go and Lily not because the Dark Lord would either not trust her and kill her or would torture her because he thought she knew secrets due to her closeness to so many strong wizards.
So here she was standing now, thinking of one man while marrying another. They had all chosen their paths and now they had to walk on them to the end.
The wedding was beautiful , it was glorious and though Lily missed Severus she had to admit that it was fun. Sirius and Remus were always around James, because he had named them his men of honour. Lily had raised her brows at that, but he had only shrugged. The three of them together had been fun to be around in school and it hadn’t changed over the years. Lily laughed a lot this evening and they understood how to take her mind off those sad thoughts she had. And now that she knew about them she could see how they sometimes looked at each other or how a touch was a tad too long to be only between friends. And she saw how happy James was and it made her heart lighter, to know that at least one of them had found happiness. And she was glad that she could help him so it would stay that way.
It was about four months later when she told James that she was pregnant. At first he was shocked, than he was angry, feeling betrayed by Lily but she told him that it had only been one night (she spared him the details and the definition of ‘night’ here), that it would never happen again and that she had done it so she wouldn’t be a virgin forever. He calmed down, luckily understanding her behaviour. When he wanted to know who the father was, she refused to tell him, though. Because that was something James would never understand. How she could have gone to him.
For everyone else it wasn’t a topic. It was four months after their wedding night and they all assumed it had been a lucky first try. Or that they had already slept together before their wedding. Lily didn’t care. And throughout the months James began to like the thought of a baby. Sirius and Remus were often there and they all cared about Lily, brought her chocolate and helped her with absolutely everything. Sometimes she felt as if she had three husbands instead of one. It was nice.
Only when she was lying in her bed alone she felt lonely and thought about Severus. She didn’t know if she should tell him that the child was his. Maybe it was too risky.
In the end she didn’t tell him. She really wanted to, after the child was born, but then the thing with Voldemort and the prophecy happened. First they were on the run and then the men discussed who would be the best to guard their location. Lily didn’t say anything. In her opinion, the best one would have been Severus. She was one hundred percent sure that he would never betray her, not even when he would get rid of James that way. And then, when they were in the house, she couldn’t even write him anymore.
She had sent him a picture of the boy, Harry, just after he had been born, but she hadn’t had time to write anything. Besides, she didn’t really want to tell him in a letter. She wanted to meet him for that.
On the last evening before they would hide their location, Sirius and Remus where there and she listened to them talking. And she decided that, as soon as the worst was over, she would tell Severus about the child that was his.
Hardly could she know that she would never get the chance to do so. They were betrayed and the Dark Lord appeared, in this night, to kill them.
James died first. Lily cried silently as she heard them fighting, knowing that her husband stood no chance against Voldemort. Then the Dark Lord stepped into the room where Lily stood in front of the bed with her child. As if she would be able to stop him. But this was her child, hers and Severus’, the one thing that bound them together. Something that was theirs. She defended him to her last breath. She just hoped that it had been enough.
As she passed away she was hit by regret. Because now Severus would never know the truth about the boy.
Severus Snape would never be happy again in his life. He had lost the only person he had ever loved in this night, had seen her lifeless body lying on the floor, her boy crying in the bed behind her. He hadn’t cared about the child, couldn’t bring himself to let go of Lily though he knew that she was forever gone. This night changed everything. Even before the Dark Lord had done the only thing that Severus could never forgive him, he had begun to be a spy in his ranks. He had talked with Dumbledore about it and the headmaster of the wizard school Hogwarts had been more than glad to have Severus switch sides. Now his only thought was that he should have done so sooner, that he might have been able to stop this, to save Lily. But it was too late. And he would have to live without ever seeing her again.
They had to pry her body from his hands and drag him out of the house. Severus felt numb, not caring that Voldemort was gone, not caring that the prophecy had been fulfilled, not caring that Lily’s child was still alive.
It was many years later that Remus was talking to Dumbledore in his office.
“I don’t really know if it will be of any importance but I thought you should get this small piece of information: Harry Potter isn’t James son. Lily didn’t want to tell him or us who it was but James and Lily never had sex so it definitely is someone else’s boy.”
Albus Dumbledore was only mildly surprised by that. “Well, I suspected that he was gay and I was wondering if their marriage was only a cover. I would have never thought that it wasn’t his child, though. He looks like James.”
Remus laughed. “No, he doesn’t. He looks like Lily, only with black hair.”
After a few moments the headmaster nodded. “You are right. And you are sure she never told the real father? Or told anyone else who it is?”
“I’m sure. She wanted to tell him but then there was this whole prophecy thing and then it was too late.” He sighed. “I don’t even have the slightest idea who it could be, I just thought it might be important in the future. I haven’t told Harry because it is such vague information that I didn’t want to disturb him with it.”
That was how Albus Dumbledore knew a secret about Harry Potter that a few days before he would die only he and Remus knew about. Lily, James and Sirius were dead and Dumbledore told it the only person he trusted anymore. He would have told Harry because the boy had a right to know it, but since he couldn’t name his father he had wanted to wait so it wouldn’t distract him in his fight against Voldemort.
He was sure that he wouldn’t live much longer, his hand being a real pain in the arse, but he wanted that someone was able to tell Harry. Remus would, but a werewolf was always in so much danger that Albus wanted a second source.
“Hello Severus.”
“Albus.” A short nod in the headmaster’s direction. “How is your hand doing?”
Dumbledore grimaced but didn’t say anything further about it. They had discussed the topic often enough and there was no chance that something would change to the better. “I have to tell you something about Harry and I want you to tell him about it when this is all over. Or when you think that the time is right. It isn’t important for now, but the boy has a right to know it: James Potter isn’t Harry’s father. I was told so from an extremely reliable source.”
Severus frowned. “He isn’t? But who is it?”
“No. James was gay and I was told they never had sex. I... Severus, are you all right?”
He had gone white as chalk, stumbling backwards and when he hit a wall he slid down at it. His whole body started to shake uncontrollably. “But... he looks so much like James.” Even his voice was shaking.
Albus was clearly confused by how he reacted to this news. “I said the same. But to repeat the answer I got: no, he looks like Lily, only with black hair.”
“Like me.” It was only a whisper. “Black hair like mine.” Severus closed his eyes and a tiny tear ran from the corner of one eye. “Harry Potter is my son.”
Albus Dumbledore gaped at Severus. “Now that is something I definitely haven’t seen coming. Are you sure? I thought you two never were a pair?”
The answering laugh sounded pained. “No, we weren’t. But if James isn’t the father, then yes, I’m sure.” Another laugh. “How can I ever tell Potter that? God Lily, what have you done?”
Two days later, just like Albus and Severus had planned it would happen, Severus killed the headmaster before Draco Malfoy could do it. And he decided that in this war there would never come the right moment to tell Harry Potter about him being his father.
Harry Potter came back out of the pensive. His mind was whirling and he didn’t know which train of thought he should follow first. But in the centre of it all, of all the chaos, stood Severus Snape and his love for Lily Potter.