Chapter Text
Utahime tried to contain her sigh and simply hugged Hiromi. One hand on his back, one in his hair; she kept scratching both, his weight covering her. He buried his face in the crook of her neck, regulating his breathing as his limp cock rested between them. She started to hum softly, wondering how to talk to him about his problem. They haven’t had sex since he started to work at that new firm, pulling longer hours and looking more fidgety than ever. And the sex had been abysmal the few times they had tried, his cock hardening then softening a few minutes after, on good days.
Hiromi rolled away, avoiding her eyes, and looked at the ceiling, his hands crossed on his chest. His body looked tense, and Utahime felt tired just looking at him. She rolled over, too, and he welcomed her distractedly, his fingers tracing her spine. Her own fingers trailed down, lower and lower, until he caught her wrist, inches from his cock.
“Don’t.”
“It’s okay, Hiromi. I love you, you know it, right?”
“Don’t sound like I’m some pitiful case.”
Utahime sighed as he left the bed for the bathroom, the door slamming behind him. She wondered if this was it. If the rest of her life were to end with soft kisses and an equally soft penis. She loved Hiromi. Couldn’t imagine loving another man. Yet, she wondered if the atmosphere was good enough to raise a family. Or maybe they needed to do some couples therapy to resolve some of their issues.
Utahime left the bed and started her day. Making a quick breakfast, she prepared their bentos and got dressed up, ready to face the day and her students.
“Want to go have a drink tonight?” asked Hiromi, as she took her keys, ready to leave.
“Sure,” she smiled as he crossed the few meters and kissed her, softly at first, then feverishly, taking his time to map out her mouth.
With a smile, she left her apartment and Hiromi behind.
At lunch, she sat across from Nanami, her favorite colleague, and leaned over, whispering.
“Did you ever have trouble down there?”
“What do you mean? Please don’t tell me this is what I think,” blushed Nanami, readjusting his glasses.
“Do you have trouble getting it hard? We’re adults, Kento, it’s going to be okay.”
“Maybe once or twice when I worked in finance. I was barely sleeping, and I was overwhelmed by a lot of things. But no, Utahime. It isn’t a recurring problem… Do I want to know why?”
“He’s probably cheating on you. I mean, he’s way out of your league.”
“I don’t recall inviting you,” replied Nanami coldly, as Naoya sat next to him.
“Our little Utahime has some issues. So, I’m helping her. If he’s not fucking you, he’s fucking someone else. Someone hotter than you. As I said. He’s out of your league.”
“I think you’re a moron, Naoya. Go eat elsewhere.”
“What if he’s right?” asked Utahime, watching Naoya leave.
“I’d like to think that you aren’t dating an idiotic man. Oh, and happy birthday,” smiled Nanami. “I brought dessert from a little bakery near my place.”
Utahime smiled at Nanami, trying to hide the pang of sadness in her chest.
She had forgotten her birthday, which wasn’t unusual.
Hiromi had forgotten it as well, and this piece of information didn’t sit right with her.
At 7 pm, Utahime wondered if life had a meaning. And if it had, was it a shit meaning or was life a cruel joke to her? Like her cinematographic counterpart, she was 27 as of today, with no money and no prospect, freshly single with shitty bosses.
The day had gone from mid to horrible, probably the worst of her life. Her coffee machine had broken down after lunch, and she had found the wheel of her bike flat as she left the school, tears blurring her vision. Being late to a meeting, she got admonished by the Higher-ups of the school she worked at, her boss Gakuganji, looking at her as if she had been the biggest disappointment of his life. Then, the old men had been so terrible and unfair to her and her students that she ended up crying in the toilets, complaining to Shoko on the phone.
She wondered if life could ever get better. She realized that she felt stuck in her life, an endless loop of workdays, disappointment, and more disappointment, especially from the hierarchy. She knew that to set the wheels in motion, she needed to make some changes, yet the comfort of her life, the predictability, made her safer than ever. Grabbing her bag, she left the meeting, waving goodbye to Nanami, ignoring Naoya’s wide smile.
She hoped that Hiromi would actually make her happy that evening. Maybe he wanted to finally ask her to marry him, after years of dating, something romantic on her birthday. Hiromi, her hotshot lawyer boyfriend, and she thought that it was finally time for them to settle down, despite everything.
To change her life, she needed to change. And getting married, starting a real future, could be the thing setting the wheels in motion. She had applied some makeup outside before joining him inside the jazz bar he had chosen. She had expected an engagement ring. Yes, the sex was horrendous, but they still loved each other. Love should be enough, she thought. And it would be enough, she was sure of it. At least, on her side.
Utahime had expected a ring. She hadn’t expected her keys – the set she had given him – and a sad smile, while telling her that they were done.
“I can’t believe you don’t know how to swim,” laughed young Hiromi, holding her hands.
“I know how to swim! I just never swam in the sea! Stop laughing at me! How can you swim in the dark, you lunatic?”
“Some people would call this romantic; you know? A boy and a girl, under the moonlight, stargazing in the sea.”
“We can stargaze on the sand,” deadpanned Utahime, grabbing his shoulders and hugging Hiromi as the water rose the deeper they got.
“Trust me, Utahime. I’ll never let you go…” whispered Hiromi, as she tightened her legs around his waist, whimpering in fear.
She closed her eyes and buried her head in his neck, feeling the water rise until it reached their shoulders.
“I trust you…” whispered Utahime, her lips brushing his pulse point.
“Fuck, Uta… You make me crazy… I love you so much that I feel like my heart is going to explode sometimes. I can’t see my future without you in it.”
“I love you, too…” replied Utahime. “Even when you do shit like this.”
“Ready to live your life with me without any money?” laughed Hiromi. “A life with no money but full of justice.”
“Anything for you,” smiled Utahime shyly, kissing him.
“You said that you loved me so much your heart was ready to explode…” whispered Utahime, looking at her keys.
“We were stupid students…” sighed Hiromi, looking apologetic. “We’re adults now.”
“It’s been 8 years, Hiromi. You can’t just…”
“I do, Uta. I think we deserve better. Or at least best suited.”
“I only want you…” mumbled Utahime, wiping her nose.
“I hope we can still be friends…” sighed Hiromi, playing with his tie, as he did every time he felt out of place or nervous.
“Fuck you, Hiromi.”
The cherry on the cake was the rain that started to pour once she was out of the bar, her tears mixing with the raindrops, her sobs covered by the thunder.
She ignored the texts from Shoko and Mei Mei and walked back home, shivering pitifully in the rain. Stupidly, she had told Shoko that tonight might be the night, that soon she would be Higuruma Utahime, a wife. Maybe a mother, one day. She couldn’t face their reactions, couldn’t handle the future pity when they would learn about the breakup. The rain doubled down, pouring harder than ever, and she sheltered herself near the entrance of a cinema.
The young man at the register eyed her with a frown, and she wondered how miserable she was looking. She looked at the night’s program and gasped, before a fresh set of tears made their way down her cheeks. She paid for her ticket and went inside, looking for her seat in the darkness. But the room was empty, except for a couple who were giggling in the back. She ignored them and went to the middle, flopping into her seat. As the movie started, the memories flooded her mind of long afternoons, of rain, and cakes. Only to be disrupted by loud kissing noises coming from the couple. She shushed them and focused back on the memory and the trip down memory lane.
She remembered her father and his excitement the first time he had sat her down to watch “Evangelion”. He had spent hours explaining the lore to her, the meaning behind every little detail, and she had absorbed it all, eager to share her father’s passion, as if a part of her knew he’d be torn from her soon. She hadn’t watched the movie since his death when she was fifteen. She became angry at the mere mention of it, the movie bringing too many bad memories nowadays. Yet, she had tried to talk about it to Hiromi, to share something meaningful from her childhood, only to be met with a rebuttal; Hiromi was too busy with his studies to watch children’s movies. And she had agreed. The movie belonged to her past, and Hiromi was her future. The two couldn’t cohabit.
She sobbed even harder as she realized how lonely she was. Sure, she had Shoko and Mei, and her coworker Kento. But Hiromi had been her new family, her new beginning in life. He was supposed to be her rock, her solace. Her happy ending. She had burned for him, loved him way more than he loved her, and today she was paying the price. She had given everything to him, just like he did, but those firsts had been meaningless to him, in the end.
She should have fought for him, yelled in the middle of the bar, sobbed loudly, begging him to take back his words. Yet, she had felt strangely empty, as if Hiromi had already been a hole inside of her heart, and she was just realizing it now.
“Here. You know, hearing you sob kind of killed the mood. I was hoping for a little groping, and instead, I got you, covered in snot.”
She looked at the handkerchiefs the stranger was giving her and grabbed them, bowing her head quickly. She cringed at the idea that her sobs had driven his date away, before anger rose, realizing what he was saying.
“You wanted a blow job in front of this masterpiece? You freak!”
“Wow, I didn’t judge you, princess, and trust me, I could. You got snot down your mouth, weirdo. And you kind of look like a frog with your puffy eyes.”
“Stop watching my snot,” she bit back, blowing her nose, her eyes back on the screen. “You’re the frog,” she mumbled, giving him a nasty look.
“Masterpiece, you said. Yet, we’re only two in the room,” he laughed, sitting down next to her, his shoulder almost knocking her off her seat.
“Because people tend to ignore the treasure they have. And this movie is our national pride. A goddamn treasure, but of course, people just throw it away because who cares about love and attachment and expectations, right?”
“Why are you crying in front of it, if it’s so good?” he asked, popping his feet on the seat in front of them. “You seem a bit on edge, princess. Ready to blow up. And you’re rambling too. Not a good look. Kind of hysterical…”
“Shut up… It was my father’s favorite. I grew up watching it with his knowledge about it. He liked to pepper little tidbits throughout the movie and make a whole celebration for my birthday. I used to have the manga and figurines. But I haven’t watched it since his death, twelve years ago. Brain tumor. I’m 27 today. I guess he is somewhere and pulled some strings to celebrate my birthday…”
The stranger said nothing, his eyes on her face, as her own eyes welled up again. She missed her father dearly, she realized, all the buried feelings coming out to light. The feeling of loneliness felt even heavier now. Her childhood had been sweet, full of love and happiness. Then life got hard, too much for her shoulders. And Hiromi had sweetened it all, making it feel easy, giving her another chance at happiness. Taking his feet off the front seat, the stranger stood up and left her alone. She rubbed her eyes tiredly with her sweater and settled in her seat, watching the movie, years of feelings catching up to her. She couldn’t cry anymore, feeling only empty and tired. Oh, so tired.
She sighed as the movie stopped, the screen turning black. The lights were switched on, and she took it as her cue to leave, the poor young man at the register probably wanting to go home now that she was alone. It was time to go home and face the emptiness. Maybe call Shoko for a drink and a sad movie marathon.
She jumped as someone sat next to her, arms full of food, holding two drinks by miracle.
“You look better without the snot. But the crying had to stop. I already paid the kid a shitload of money to rewind the movie. We’ve got enough snacks to last the whole time, and I want all the facts.”
“What? Don’t be stupid…”
“Nobody should spend their birthday alone. So, lay it all on me, princess. Share your knowledge. Or am I not worthy?”
“Nobody wants to know little silly stories and theories about “Evangelion”. My ex sure didn’t…”
“Ugh, don’t tell me you’re also crying for a man? I don’t have alcohol for that. Look… I usually don’t do that shit, and I’m not the considerate friend, I suppose. But I don’t think you should taint this movie and your memories linked to it because of a moron. Or your father’s death. I mean… We should see it as a celebration. His memory still lives through you and this weird ass philosophical movie.”
Utahime looked at him and frowned. Striking white hair, blue eyes, and glasses perched on his nose. He looked around her age, but what struck her was that he actually looked eager to learn more. She felt her throat burn, realizing that a stranger was showing more consideration to her and her feelings than any man she had dated. Well, more than the man she had dated the longest.
The lights were switched off, and the movie started again. She slumped in her seat, grabbing the popcorn he handed her while he munched on a chocolate bar. Feeling more at ease, she launched into a commentary on the movie, sharing the food with the stranger. The constant back and forth and the never-ending questions reminded her of her own curiosity and her father’s smile as he patiently listened to her and her weird theories.
“Jinshi was my father’s favorite character. He used to say –”
“Who’s your favorite character?” asked the stranger, looking at her, the screen making his blue eyes shine even more in the darkness. “I want to know…”
“Misato,” whispered Utahime, looking at the screen. “Even as a child, I used to love how she cared in her own way. They think that she is just pretty and reckless, but deep down, she killed and died to protect those kids. I think that after being hurt so much, you just tend to close yourself off and keep the others at bay. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t care or that I am cold… And I loved her dynamic with Ryoji… How he was the only man she ever loved and only loved him. How they fought, how he ragebaited her all the time, and how she let herself answer his remarks. It was their own intimacy and their own love, even if they never said the actual words to each other. Sorry, I was rambling…”
She could feel the stranger’s eyes on her, and she felt her face heat up under his scrutiny. After several minutes, she finally looked at him, the gravity of his stare sucking her in. She wondered when the last time somebody looked at her like that was. As if he were seeing her. Really seeing her in her entirety.
“He wasn’t your Ryoji… He would have never left Misato, especially not on her birthday…” he whispered, a sad smile on his lips. He looked back at the screen and sighed. “My father never did this sort of stuff with me. My mother died when I was a child, and he was always busy, so nannies basically raised me. Nowadays, he just keeps in contact because he wants me to take over the family business. I feel like I’m just a means to an end, sometimes… I wish I had an easy life like you! Watching movies and talking about the meaning of life. I only had to learn how to make money from my old man.”
“God, you’re a nepo baby…”
“A pretty one!”
“You’re just like Jinshi…”
“Didn’t Jinshi and Misato kiss in the last episode of the anime?”
Utahime laughed and slapped his shoulder before stealing his drink. The movie ended, and the lights came back on, making her blink several times. The man next to her stretched, his shirt riding up, her eyes sliding to the patch of skin where she could see his happy trail going down. She shook her head and stood up, feeling a blush coming back to her cheeks. It had been a while since she had had sex. A really long time. Maybe too long. “No,” thought Utahime. “You were almost engaged two hours ago. Keep it together”. They grabbed their stuff in silence and went to the register when he tipped the tired-looking young man heavily.
“You’re filthy rich, nepo baby,” she laughed as they went outside. “Just throwing money around as if it were nothing.”
“Hey, that money made you enjoy your evening, princess! Despite how shit it had started! So, this nepo baby and his money are good at one thing at least!”
The smell of petrichor was heavy, as the rain was not pouring anymore. She leaned against the wall, suddenly buzzing with excitement. The whiplash of emotions would leave her exhausted later at night, or even tomorrow. But right now, she didn’t care. The day had been shit enough. She looked up at him, chewing on her lower lip, as he approached her slowly. His arm above her head, he leaned softly, the smell of his perfume filling her nostrils and making her weak on the knees.
He could get it hard.
She knew it.
Unlike her shit ex-boyfriend.
“Satoru… Not nepo baby, by the way…” he smiled, his breath on her face, as she shivered because of their closeness. He smiled knowingly and leaned even more, less than an inch, but enough to make her wonder.
Enough to shift the atmosphere even more.
“Utahime…”
“Fuck, you really are a princess, then. Hime…”
“Satoru…”
“Again…” he whispered, his tongue darting out to wet his lower lip.
He was about to kiss her. In the middle of the street, where people were still talking, albeit drunk. She opened her mouth slightly, her tongue tracing her upper teeth, hungry for him, and a groan left his mouth, heat pooling at the bottom of her stomach at the sound. Her hands found themselves on his chest. What appeared to be a very muscular chest, and she fisted his shirt, ready to welcome him.
Even though people could see them, she didn’t care. The stranger – Satoru – could fuck her against the wall, right now, and she would scream for more. She deserved it after the shitty day she had spent. It could be her birthday gift. Just a quick fuck. He would make her orgasm; she was sure of it.
A quick fuck or a night long of sex and sweat and screams.
“Oh my God, can you leave already? I want to close this shithole and go home.”
“Sorry, Megumi,” said Satoru, straightening up. Taking his phone, he called a number, and a minute later, a car appeared. “The perks of being a nepo baby. Ijichi, can you take Hime back to her place? I’ll walk.”
He opened the door for her as she climbed in, wondering if she had misread anything about their interactions. With one last look, he smiled at her, bid her goodnight, and closed the door on her. She gave her address and flopped back into her seat, overthinking already.
“He’s a weird man, but he is honest and nice, I suppose. He goes to this cinema every Friday at 9 pm.”
“Thanks for the tip… Ijichi?”
He smiled at her in the rearview mirror before driving in silence until they reached her place. She thanked him again and went back to her place. She lived in an old house, where the first floor belonged to an older man, who invited her to eat all the time. Living above, Utahime often had no choice other than to accept, Yaga becoming her personal therapist and life coach. In exchange, Utahime only had to walk his black and white fluffy dog, Panda.
She sighed as she realized that Hiromi had already taken his belongings away and noticed that she just felt tired and not really sad anymore. Her home was still her home. Hiromi had made sure to disappear as if he had never been there.
He wasn’t her Ryoji.
Even if she had desperately wanted it.
That night, Utahime fell asleep without turning over and over in her bed. The exhaustion had been too much, the crying too important, and leaving her weak. And in the morning, she decided to go see her mother, catching the train to Kyoto. She would announce the breakup to her best friends later. Right now, she needed her mother.
“Why didn’t you tell me about Dad? I mean, before it was too late.”
She stayed silent as her mother stopped pouring the tea, put down the teapot, and took a deep breath. Not a word was uttered for several minutes, as both women let the heavy silence settle in.
“He thought he was going to survive…He was optimistic about it all and didn’t want to worry you for nothing.”
“And you didn’t think, as my mother, that I should have been aware, at least, that he was sick? I’m not mad, I promise. It’s just… I spent so many years hating dad and this decision to hide everything.”
“He didn’t think beyond his initial decision. And I was scared, I’m not going to lie… He was getting sicker and sicker, but still insisted on hiding it all from you. You were doing well in school, you had a happy life, and he didn’t want to upset you. And I was scared to upset him.”
“I felt so angry at him…” muttered Utahime, focusing on her tea, fighting back tears. “I… Do you want to go to the shrine with me? I feel like praying.”
Her mother nodded silently before hugging her.
As she closed her eyes at the shrine, Utahime thought about all the unnecessary hatred she carried in her heart. Against her father, against Hiromi, against herself, and her inability to open her heart to others. She prayed for her father’s soul, hoping that he was happy wherever he was. And she prayed for a better future, as she willed herself to enjoy life a bit more than going through the motions.
Living instead of surviving.