Chapter Text
Deans POV
They won. They won against Chuck. Jack absorbed his powers, making Chuck human. They won.
All the people are back, filling the streets again, continuing their lives as if nothing happened. To them nothing happened and nothing will ever happen again. At least not anything done by Chuck. They were saved and now they are all safe, safe from Chuck's moods, his meddling, his ability to end worlds or make them all disappear.
They are safe too now, Sam and Dean and Jack. They are safe now. Safe and free.
"I won't come back with you", Jack says with that serene smile on his lips still, but his eyes being a bit more apologetic. Dean feels his heart sink and there it is, this feeling like it all was for nothing, like it doesn't really matter in the end. Of course it does. Of course it matters. Beating Chuck was probably the most important thing they ever did and they did it! They did it and everyone is back and...
"Why not? Because you are him now?", he hears Sam ask, meaning if Jack is God now.
"I am me. But I know what you mean", Jack replies and then Sam asks about Amara, Jack says that she is with him, they are in harmony, at balance.
Truly Dean doesn't care about any of that, not really anyway. Swallowing thickly he fixes his eyes on Jack again. "Can I ask one more thing?", he manages to say, his voice wavering ever so slightly. Sam probably picks up on it, maybe Jack does too now.
"Go ahead", he simply replies.
Averting his eyes again for a moment Dean tries to gather the courage, tries to ask for this one thing he wants for himself, this one loose end he can't let go of, refuses to let go of, even though he probably should. He probably should let this go, but he can't and he doesn't want to. So what's the issue with just asking? He has to at least ask or he'll regret this forever, just like he'll forever regret the fantasy he let slip away.
What comes out first is not what he really wants to ask. What comes out first is not about him. What comes out first is what he wants for others. It's always easier to ask for others than to ask for himself. "Can you bring back Eileen too? And... And Charlie and her girlfriend. And Bobby, the other survivors from apocalypse world. Their world got destroyed, but they were alive here. They deserve to live. Eileen too, because..."
He looks over at his little brother, not saying it out loud, but he doesn't have to. It's clear enough like this. Sam deserves to be happy with Eileen. They deserve a real chance. He wants that for Sam. He can ask for this for Sam.
There is a little smile on Sam's lips, a thankful smile that is sad at the same time. Almost like he knows and maybe he does, maybe he does know who Dean really wants to ask for, who Dean not just wants but needs back. His face must also be doing something in this moment, because Sam’s smile turns encouraging, like he is telling him without actually saying anything to go ahead and ask for himself now.
Swallowing thickly again he looks back at Jack. Jack, who also clearly must know, because he is still waiting for Dean to continue speaking. When the words finally do leave his lips, they feel heavy in every sense of the word, they are heavy words for Dean to say, this is a heavy thing for him to ask. Still he didn’t expect how much this would increase this crushing pressure he feels on his chest, didn’t expect the way the shaking in his voice is more than obvious this time.
“And Cas. Please bring Cas back. Bring them all back.” There is no relief after he managed to get the words out. There is only fear and tension and the same despair he felt right after Cas got taken away.
Well and there is hope. A blind desperate hope that feels entirely too terrifying, because Dean knows the raw power this hope has, the places it could lead him to, the things it could make him do. But worse: He knows that if this hope got shattered, he would be left with nothing at all, nothing for himself at least and in a world where he is free at last now, having nothing left opens up dangerous options he was always able to escape from before, even at the worst of times, because he knew he had to keep fighting, for Sam, for his family, for the greater good, for love.
But now the final battle is won and there are only two paths he can truly see himself going down, only two paths he actually wants to walk down. The one without this hope is the one leading straight to death, the true death he was never granted all the times he already died. The one with this hope is the one he isn’t sure about where exactly it will lead, but he would like to find out. He really badly would like to find out where the hopeful path could lead him.
He feels like he is standing at a crossroads, seeing these two paths before him and as long as Jack has not said anything yet, both paths still exist in equal measure and, while the one leading to death objectively is the much darker one, to Dean in this moment they both look inviting. Though he finds himself glancing at the hopeful path, a longing in his chest that has been there for a long fucking time, regardless of how fiercely he tried to ignore, deny, bury it. It has been there almost since the start, almost since the first time he saw Cas.
It hurts, that tugging on his heart. It hurts so damn much, now more than ever. That pain gets worse still as he sees hesitation on Jacks face, sees how he has to think about Deans request. The hope he wants to hold onto so fucking much is about to get shattered, the hopeful path about to be plunged into total darkness, making it damn near impossible to walk down and then the hopeless path leading straight to death would be the only path left. Maybe that path could bring him peace at least, but it could never give him what he truly wants, could never give him the chance to fulfill the fantasy he let slip away. It would never feel right.
Still if this hope will be taken from him too, he’ll take it. He’ll take death over having to live a life without hope, a life without Cas any day. He has never known anything more clearly than that.
His hands clench into fists at his sides as he tries to prepare himself for it, for Jack denying his request. But then what happens instead is the hopeful path being lit up with the brightest light imaginable as Jack finally replies with a nod, a gentle smile and the words: “Okay. Just give me a moment.” Dean barely has time to give him a little nod back, before Jack is already gone. One blink and he’s not standing in front of them anymore.
It’s only after blinking a few more times that Dean is able to finally suck air back into his lungs. Death by suffocation simply from refusing to breathe, that might have happened if Jack had shattered his hope. But he didn’t. He didn’t and now Dean gets to keep breathing, gets to keep hoping, gets to… gets to get Cas back.
Tears shoot into his eyes as relief crushes into him so hard, he feels unable to breathe all over again. Quickly turning to the side, away from Sam, pressing his fist against his lips, he tries to keep himself together, tries to not fall apart right then and there, tries to think clearer thoughts that are not just a chaotic spiral of all the things he wants to say to and do with Cas, all the missed opportunities, everything that was left unsaid and undone, the chance they never got, the fantasy that he wasn’t able to hold onto and much less fulfill.
“Dean.” It’s Sam softly speaking his name that brings him back into the present moment, his hand touching his arm grounding him just enough that he manages to hold the tears off for now. Biting his lower lip, he tries himself at a smile, but he feels entirely too shaky, too overwhelmed by his own emotions and way too out of it to pretend right now. “Thank you”, Sam smiles at him. “I didn’t… I wasn’t sure if…”
He never finishes either of those sentences, only lets go of Deans arm again to take a deep breath, staring up at the sky. Dean knows for a fact that Sam does not just see those two paths for himself. Sam was always able to see many paths for himself. Sam didn’t need to ask for Eileen, regardless of how much he wants her back. Sam can actually live without Eileen. Miraculously somehow someone - maybe Dean himself, though he’ll never properly give himself credit for this - managed to make sure that Sam is not as badly messed up as he himself is. Sam has many hopeful paths he can walk down, the one with Eileen is only one of them. Still Sam deserves to have that option and Eileen deserves to live, especially because to Chuck she was just some cruel gift he gave to Sam. Fuck that, they should decide themselves what they want to make out of that.
Just like Dean and Cas will get to decide what to make out of what they have, what they could have, what they could have had all along, if only… Well, that’s the hard part. It might be the hopeful path, but it’s also the unknown path, the uncertain path, the much more difficult path. Dean feels ready to try anything though. He’ll try so fucking hard, harder than ever before. He’ll… He’ll find a way to make it work! Whatever it takes, he’ll find a way!
For now what it seems to take is waiting, patience, faith. Faith in Jack. Fuck, Dean wants to have faith in him so badly, but that was Cas’s thing and Sam’s. Dean had anger for Jack, blind rage and then affection and even hope, before more anger and pure fury. There was fear and worry too at certain points, grief. But faith? He believed that Jack is powerful, sure. He believed in him way more once Cas came back. He believed in him as they beat Chuck just now and Jack brought all the people back. He really should believe in him now, that’s all he can do - believe and wait.
Dean is as much patient as he is a believer, so not much at all. But maybe he should work on that now. He can believe in Jack, right? And if he believes in Jack, he can be patient. He tries. He really fucking tries, while Sam and him sit down on a bench close by, watching the brought back people walking around, talking, smiling, laughing, going about their day. That almost feels more surreal now after everyone was gone for a few days. Everything about them having beat Chuck feels surreal. Like nothing really changed, but at the same time everything did change. Nothing is really different now, but at the same time everything is so very different.
It’s hard for Dean to wrap his head around, to accept, to relax. For the first time they know that they can relax now. They won. Dean has to keep repeating that to himself to really let it sink in, to really believe it, to really process it. He knows it will only feel real once Cas is back. He’ll only be able to accept that they truly won, once he gets his big win back.
Minutes pass and then minutes turn into an hour, into two, into three. “The hell is taking him so long?”, Dean grumbles, rubbing his hands over his legs, before he gets up, pacing back and forth. He’s done that same little dance a few times by now - complaining, getting up from the bench, pacing, sitting back down. Sam got them something to eat and drink at some point. Dean couldn’t stomach any of it, so his part of the meal is still sitting on the bench untouched.
“Maybe we should… head back to the bunker”, Sam suggests carefully this time. During the first hour he didn’t say anything back when Dean complained. During the second hour he told him to be patient, which didn’t go down very well. During the third hour he started making suggestions like getting food, before he went and actually grabbed them some, only for Dean to shove Sam’s phone into his hand as he got back. It was during the third hour that Sam got his first message from Eileen and since then he’s been constantly texting with her. They even did a video call that only lasted a few minutes.
Clearly Sam wanted to talk to her longer, wants to see her, actually be with her, but he is doing what he told Dean to do during the second hour - being patient. However now he is not doing it, because he himself is still waiting. Now he is doing it, because he doesn’t want to leave Dean alone in his own waiting. He can feel his little brother’s pitiful look on him and while he appreciates Sam’s willingness to sit this out with him, it’s making this whole situation even worse. Dean doesn’t want Sam’s pity, he really doesn’t. What he wants, is to not have to wait any longer!
But that doesn’t seem to be in the cards and he can’t stand Sam sitting beside him on this bench, texting with Eileen, moving around, barely able to contain his own happiness. He shouldn’t be here waiting around with Dean. He should go be with Eileen. He should go be happy.
Grinding his teeth Dean gives in and it feels entirely too much like giving up. “Alright”, he says with a long sigh. “Let’s go back to the bunker.”
Getting into the Impala and driving feels good at least, familiar, real. It helps to stabilize him a bit more, gives him something to focus on, something to hold onto. That lasts for about as long as their drive lasts. Walking back into the bunker without Cas feels wrong, incomplete, like they are missing a piece, a very vital piece. Well, he is missing that piece.
Sam got his piece back, his eyes glued to his phone like they have been ever since he got the first message from Eileen. His eyes, his whole face is radiating uncontainable happiness, even though Dean can tell that he does try to hide it, does try to turn away from Dean when he can’t stop himself from smiling anymore, does try to not rub it in that he got Eileen back already while Dean is still waiting, still without Cas.
It annoys Dean in the same way as Sam continuing to wait around with him on that bench did. He doesn’t need Sam to take pity on him like this. It’s ridiculous and it only makes him feel more pathetic. Also it’s not fair towards Sam himself either. He should fucking enjoy his happiness! He should enjoy having Eileen back, should enjoy it unconditionally, without holding himself back for Deans sake!
Leaning against the table in the main room, staring at the names that are carved into the table, his family’s names, Dean has to realize that he truly does not want to hold Sam back in any way, shape or form anymore. He never wanted to do that, but all the other times he felt helpless to stop it, felt this deep seated need to have his little brother with him, because he is his family and he was all he knew and they belonged together. Maybe that was Chucks doing, though Dean is pretty sure that even if it was Chuck’s doing, it also was him and his inability to let Sam go, to let him be, to let him find happiness, because Sam finding happiness definitely means Sam not being by his side anymore. Dean is not granted happiness and Sam can’t have happiness as long as he is with him.
“You should go”, he speaks into the silence hanging between them. A silence Sam didn’t even notice or at least didn’t pay any attention to. He was glued to his phone and only now looks up in surprise, almost like he forgot Dean was even there. Good. He has to move on. They both have to let each other go.
“What?”, Sam asks him confused, either not having heard what Dean said or not understanding why he is saying that, what he means.
Letting out a long sigh, Dean repeats: “You should go.” Pausing he gestures towards Sam’s phone. “Go check on Eileen I mean. You want to go check on her. I know you do. So go ahead. Check on her. Hug her. Hold her. You know, all the things.”
Blinking back at him for a moment Sam eventually lowers his phone, looking Dean up and down with entirely too much worry. Being scrutinized like that only makes Dean feel more tense as he draws up his shoulders, grabs harder onto the edge of the table he is leaning against. But he doesn’t averts his eyes, even though he wants to. He has to convince Sam that it is okay to leave him alone right now. Sam has to leave and be with Eileen, be happy. “Go”, he says again with an expression that he hopes is as serious as it is reassuring.
As Sam presses his lips together thoughtfully, hesitantly, Dean can tell that he is about to say No, that he is about to tell him that he will stay with him and wait until Cas is back. He is concerned what might happen, if he leaves now. He knows that Dean is not okay. He doesn’t want to leave him alone right now. Again Dean does appreciate that, but it’s unnecessary, entirely unnecessary. Dean actually needs Sam to leave and be happy. That’s all he wants right now, aside from having Cas back.
“Please, Sam. Just go”, he tries again, changing his tactic to pleading and Sam knows how much he hates to do that. “Listen, I can’t stand what you are doing right now. The way you pity me, the way you hide your happy smiles. Just go and be with Eileen, okay? That’s the best you can do right now, for yourself, for her and for me.”
“Dean…” Sam’s voice comes out slow and soft and fuck, now Dean has to avert his eyes. As Sam moves closer towards him, presumably to comfort him or something, he raises his hand to stop him.
“Don’t. Just do what I said. I’m gonna… You know… Be here, okay? I promise, I’ll be here whenever you get back. I just prefer to wait alone, while you go and be happy with Eileen. I have to be here for when he gets back, right? So I’ll be here”, he tries to make it as crystal clear as possible without straight up saying it, because straight up saying it would mean to acknowledge the possibility and that would make it too real. Simply saying that he will be here with enough emphasis should get it across just fine.
It works. Thank Jack, it works! While Sam still doesn’t look entirely pleased with the situation, he nods slowly, fiddling with his phone in his hand, staring down at it for a moment, before he looks back up again. “You sure you don’t want to come with me? I think she’d be happy to see you too”, Sam tries his own little thing, grabs onto the last straw he can think of.
Dean simply shakes his head and then manages to shoot Sam an amused smile. “Come with you and be the third wheel? No thank you. I would rather not.”
Rolling his eyes an amused smile appears on Sam’s lips as well. “Would have been a nice change for once. You know with how I am usually thirdwheeling with you and Cas”, he points out, causing Dean to throw him a death glare now, which in turn makes Sam laugh. Good. That’s really good. He should laugh, laugh as freely as never before.
“For fuck’s sake, just leave and be with your woman!”, he grumbles, but he actually laughs a little as well, even with this tugging on his heart only feeling more painful again. He really needs his angel back. Jack better hurry up!
But Jack doesn’t hurry up. Jack, Cas, they both keep him waiting and waiting and waiting. So much so that Dean wonders if this is some sort of test. That would actually be the good option. Because the other option is that Jack is having trouble getting Cas back. Or even worse: Cas doesn't want to come back, doesn't want to return to him, doesn't want to actually be with him.
Pacing the different rooms and halls of the bunker Dean tries so fucking hard to not spiral too badly. He tries music to distract himself too. It doesn't work. Nothing works. This waiting state is agonizing. Not just because it makes him anxious, makes him worry, but also because it gives him time to think, entirely too much time to think. The type of thinking he has always worked so hard to avoid.
Hunting was always also a way to avoid thinking and the bigger threats they had to deal with worked perfectly for that as well. Everything that was going on at pretty much all times of his life helped him to avoid thinking too much, too deeply, too intensely.
Now he finds himself forced to think and he hates every second of it. He doesn't want to think, not about Cas, not about the past, not about the future, not about anything at all. But at the same time it feels like now he has to think, now that there is time and he can't distract himself, he can't run from his own thoughts anymore, can't push it all down anymore, can't avoid it and pretend anymore. It’s time to think, to properly think.
Dean doesn’t know how to do that. Of course he knows how to think, though even that could be argued against. He’s just not a thinker, that’s Sam’s job. He’s more the guy that takes action, less words and more doing. Honestly that exact way of being has been his downfall quite a few times. So while he might not like it, thinking for once might be good for him. Well, maybe not in this specific situation.
Because what is there to think about? He wants Cas back. He needs him back. That’s that. What else is there to think about beyond that? What else is there to know beyond that? It’s a simple truth, one he has known for quite some time and it only became more true as time went on. The closer he got to Cas, the longer Cas was around, the more Cas became part of his family, the more they went through together, the stronger Dean felt that he wants and needs Cas around. He can’t even remember if he ever questioned that. Maybe right at the start, but even back then Cas kept showing up for him, kept listening to him, kept entertaining him, his anger, his moods. Sure, Dean had to do some convincing, so Cas started questioning, but looking back on it now, it looks to Dean like Cas cared from the very first moment.
Shaking his head as his thoughts become so sentimental looking back on the past Dean makes his way back into the main room, back to the table that has his family’s names carved into it. He added Castiel and Jack himself basically yesterday. Because they are family, they belong and they should not be forgotten. Never.
Quickly turning away from the table again he walks over to the liquor stash and grabs one of the whiskey’s as well as a glass, returning with both to the table, sitting down and pouring himself a glass. It’s while he is about to take the first sip that he realizes he can’t get completely wasted right now. Maybe he shouldn’t even drink anything at all. He can’t be drunk when Cas comes back. That would not go well. Though… will it go well when he isn’t drunk? How will it go?
Alright, he thought about the past and now he’ll think about the future. First he does take a sip from the whiskey though, because a little bit of whiskey will not make him drunk and he needs it, needs the comforting burn of the alcohol to even be able to entertain thoughts about the future. The hopeful path, how exactly does it look like? It’s brighter, not focused on death and it has Cas. That’s about everything Dean knows that path to be. When it comes to more specific details, he did not let himself think about that. He couldn’t think about that as long as he didn’t know if he even could have this hopeful path. The potential of his hope being shattered was already bad enough. The risk of an imagined future being shattered right along with it was way too high.
But now he knows that there is hope. Hope in Jack. Hope for Cas. Hope for an actual future for him and not just death. It’s honestly overwhelming to even start to realize this simple fact. So much so that he has to take another sip from the whiskey. He never had this before and he thought he could never have this - a hopeful future. He thought he would not be granted that. Just like he thought he would never be granted love and yet Cas… Cas loves him. He loves him. Even that is still hard to come to terms with. Well, how much time has really passed? Not much. Of course that is still hard to come to terms with!
Wow, if he already struggles with that, how will he handle having Cas back? Truly he did not dare to think about that for even a second, which maybe is a bit strange considering that he has this undeniable need to get Cas back. He wants him back, but he doesn’t know how things will even be like once he has him back. Will things be just like before? Does he want that? Would that be fair towards Cas? Is Dean wanting him back even fair to begin with? Isn’t it just pure selfishness? Why does he even want him back? Why is this need to have him back so very strong?
Those are exactly all the questions Dean never wanted to ask himself, all the reasons why he doesn’t want to think about any of this. He just wants Cas back and the rest… the rest will figure itself out! But instead of him getting Cas back already, he is left having to wait and having to think. Ugh. Taking another sip from the whiskey is about all that he can do, staring down into the glass.
The thing is that he already knows the answers or at least most of them. The reason he doesn’t want to think about it, is not that it’s too hard to figure out or anything like that. The reason is that he already knows, but that knowledge feels almost more painful than this tugging he feels on his heart, this longing for Cas. Because having had this knowledge for a while already, but having buried it, having denied it, having brushed it off and pushed it down over and over and over again, means that he did this to himself, he let this happen, he let Cas and what could have been slip away.
The future he still does not want to think about even now, is the fantasy he let slip away over and over and over again. Each and every time there was a chance and he didn’t take it, didn’t act on it, didn’t even allow himself the idea of it, he let that fantasy slip away further and further, until finally it slipped completely out of his grasp, until finally it was nowhere within his reach anymore, until the Empty came for Cas and took him away. Forever.
Or so he assumed, so he feared. He did ask Chuck to bring Cas back and when Lucifer faked Cas calling him, he wanted to believe in him being back more than anything. But Chuck didn’t bring Cas back and Lucifer tricked him. Now Jack is keeping him waiting.
He grabs harder onto the whiskey glass. Is it enough that he knows that he wants Cas to be in his future? Is it enough that he needs Cas with him? Can’t that be enough? Because looking any further feels like too much, too dangerous, too dreamy. He’s not allowed that - thoughts of a dreamy future. He can’t go there. He can’t. All he knows is that Cas has to be there. He just has to.
“Jack, please”, he whispers, a feeling of helplessness clawing at him and he hates that so very much. “Just please bring him back. Please, I need him here!” That is the first of what turns out to be quite a few prayers to Jack in the next few hours. He empties the whiskey glass, but doesn’t pour himself another. He goes back to pacing the bunker, then he starts cleaning Baby, then he tries to see if he can make himself eat something, then he almost texts Sam, then he almost calls him instead, then he texts Eileen and tells her to keep Sam for as long as she wants and that he’ll be fine. And he will be fine, once Cas is back. He’ll be fine, once he is finally back!
He falls asleep at the table with the names carved into it, head resting on his arms on the table, one of his fingers just about touching Cas’s name. His dreams are a kaleidoscope of moments he shared with Cas, like a movie that got edited to only show the best scenes or a music playlist that only features the greatest hits. Best and greatest for them are not necessarily the nicest sweetest moments, because nice and sweet wasn’t really in the cards for them. The actual nice and sweet moments were so very rare, but they are there in that kaleidoscope, they are definitely there. But they almost get drowned out by everything else, by their hardships and struggles, by their fights and goodbyes, by the dramatic times of them going into battle, by the heart-wrenching reunions and all the situations in which they stood up for each other.
Nice and sweet is not the way to describe their relationship, but strong definitely is. Strong and relentless and fought for and chosen and trusted and loyal.
When Dean eventually wakes up, he is crying and still alone. Wrapping his arms around himself in an attempt to hold himself together or put himself back together, he tries to fight the tears, the sobs shaking his body. If Cas came back right this moment, finding him like this, he knows he’d only cry more, but the tears of despair would turn into tears of relief, tears of joy, tears of happiness even.
That doesn’t happen. Cas still doesn’t come back, doesn’t find him crying. Good. That’s good, right? Dean doesn’t know what’s good anymore. Maybe a shower would be good. At least then, if more tears would come, they would get washed away instantly, no evidence remaining and no potential witnesses. Just like how he prefers, right? No one should see him breaking down completely. But if that’s true, why does he still wish that Cas would see? That Cas would come and find him while he is drowning in his own misery. That Cas would come and find him and… pull him back out of it. That Cas would come and pull him out of hell, bring him back to live, dig him out of his grave. Like he did when they first met.
While on his way to take a shower, Dean suddenly finds himself going somewhere else. At first he doesn’t know where in the world his own feet are taking him. It’s only once he sees the door that he understands. His fingers are shaking as he reaches for the handle and opens the door. It takes him a second to actually step inside. Then he closes the door behind him. It’s still there, the dried blood, Cas’s blood that he smeared onto the inside of the door, drawing a sigil to hold Billy off, to stop her from suffocating Dean, stop her from killing him.
Pressing his lips together he reaches out to touch it, touch this last remnant of Cas. Well, this and the hand print on his jacket. That’s all he left behind. That and the immeasurable hole in Deans heart.
He slowly turns away from the door and walks further into the room, past the row of book cases and into the devils trap. His eyes dart around the space and it all replays in his head again - their last moments together, Cas’s love confession that was also his goodbye, his final sacrifice for Dean, for the world, for the paradise on earth he believed Jack would bring. A paradise Cas knew he would never get to enjoy because of the deal he made with the Empty. A paradise that never was and never would be his. Cas never did anything for himself. Not even his moment of true happiness was for himself. It was for Dean. All of it was for Dean.
“Cas”, Dean whispers into the empty room, finding himself looking around like saying his name could somehow summon him. That’s what he is hoping for, isn’t he? That’s why he felt compelled to come here into this room, because this is the room Cas feels the most real, the most alive still, because this is where he revealed his feelings, where he laid his heart bare, where it all ended. It was so intense, so earth-shattering, so very meaningful that this is the place Dean feels closest to him. Or maybe it’s just a form of emotional self-harm, Dean torturing himself with reliving their last moment. Still it feels strangely hopeful. Dean himself feels strangely hopeful.
Well, he knows Cas will come back and he can have his hopeful path, so of course it feels hopeful! It should feel hopeful. He should feel hopeful. He does. Being in this room he does. He feels hopeful for a chance, for a future. And most strongly right now he feels hopeful about being able to reach Cas here.
“Cas”, he whispers again, biting down on his lower lip hard, closing his eyes and clenching his hands into fists. Only after a deep breath can he get himself to continue. “Cas, if you can hear me, I… I just want you to know that… I-I am… I am grateful that you saved me. I am. And we did it. We… We stripped Chuck of his powers. We won. The kid probably already told you or he will soon. What I am trying to say is… I need you here with me, Cas. I can’t… Please, I need you back. Please come back to me, Cas. Please.”
Opening his eyes again there are new tears running down his cheeks and he lets them this time, doesn’t fight them, just lets it happen. The tension actually leaves his body, his hands unclenching. Of course Cas still isn’t there as he takes another look around, something like resignation settling in now. That’s all he can do, right? Resign himself to this waiting state, for however long it will last.
With a sigh he actually makes his way to the shower now and he takes the longest shower he has maybe ever taken. The hot water hitting his skin feels good, reminds him of being alive. He has to be alive for when Cas gets back. He has to cling onto that. It’s all he has.
When he gets out of the shower and makes his way into the kitchen to see if he can make himself at least eat something, Sam is back and instantly jumps up from the table where he might have been sitting for a while. “Dean, is he…?”, he asks with big eyes, looking more hopeful than Dean would ever allow himself to be. Damn, he’s really emotionally messed up, isn’t he?
He simply shakes his head at Sam’s half-spoken question, making his way over to the fridge to stare inside without seeing anything. “I brought you some burgers!”, Sam then says, which actually saves Dean in this moment. Nothing in the fridge even looks edible to him, but burgers at least sound edible. When he sits down at the table, Sam opposite of him, and opens the wrapping around the burger, he glares at Sam before even properly looking at the burger. Sam is looking at him like he is a wounded feral animal that approached the food he left out for it for the first time, causing him to hold his breath.
Dean rolls his eyes and puts the burger back down, grabbing the little bag of fries instead and leaning back a bit, stuffing some fries into his mouth. “What?”, he asks while chewing, not really tasting anything. “How’s Eileen? You should have stayed with her longer.”
“She’s good. Thankfully. I wanted her to come here with me, but she said that would only make it worse for you”, Sam explained, looking down at the table before carefully looking directly at Dean again.
“I’ll call her and tell her I’m fine with her being her”, he gets out before stuffing more fries into his mouth. His body does seem hungry, so maybe he should eat the burger after all, even though he doesn’t feel like it. Cas would appreciate it, if he ate, right? Yeah. He’d definitely tell him to eat. Also if he doesn’t, he’ll get lightheaded and weak and that’s no state to be in when Cas gets back! Yeah, he’ll eat.
“Dean…”, Sam sighs with this almost reprimanding tone of voice. It’s more exasperated, frustrated, even tired. Sam can see right through Dean pretending to be fine. Of course he can. “I am sure Jack is trying his best. Even for him it might not be easy to get Cas back out of the Empty. Didn’t Cas say that God has no power in the Empty?”
Dean concentrates on finishing up the fries, not saying anything, not even looking at Sam. The possibility that Jack might not even be able to get Cas back is not something he wants to consider for even a second. He can’t. He just can’t.
Instead of leaving it be, Sam keeps pushing, maybe too focused on trying to make sense of it himself to really notice the tension and anger rising in Dean. “I am still confused about what exactly happened. You just said that he saved you from Billy by summoning the Empty. How did he even do that? Was it like some sort of ritual? A sigil? An object? Did you see what he did?”
It’s only when Sam’s eyes now meet Deans that he realizes he should have shut the fuck up probably before he even started speaking. The anger is burning hot in Deans eyes and with the way he is just sitting there, looking back at Sam with unblinking eyes, Sam knows he messed up big time. This is the very worst type of anger he could trigger in Dean, the type that starts off quiet while it builds and builds and builds in intensity and then it will explode in his face.
Even though he knows that it’s already too late, he raises his hands in defeat. “Sorry! I shouldn’t have asked! I was just wondering! I didn’t mean to…”
Dean only keeps staring at Sam with this fiery anger in his eyes. Without breaking their eye contact he puts the little empty bag that had the fries inside back into the bigger bag that has some more burgers inside. Then it happens - he snaps. The bigger bag flies off of the table, along with the mostly unwrapped burger he already had taken out before. Within a second he is on the other side of the table, pulling Sam up from his seat by grabbing at the front of his shirt.
“Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare bring that up! Never ever bring that up again! What happened is between him and me! You have no right to know! He saved me, okay? That has to be enough! I am not gonna tell you anything else!”, he yells directly into Sam’s face and oh Sam really should have known better than to ask, than to even wonder, but he couldn’t help it! Of course he wonders. Of course he wants to know. Cas is his friend too after all.
“I said I am sorry! I just thought maybe it could help us in figuring out why he isn’t back yet, why it might take Jack longer”, he tries to explain, which really isn’t the right path of action as Dean now forcefully shoves him against the next available wall.
“It’s none of your fucking business! You hear me?” He’s full on screaming now, his body shaking with anger. Sam is at a total loss why this is even angering Dean so much. Now he only wonders even more what exactly happened.
“Okay. Okay, yes, I hear you. I get it. I won’t-”, he starts trying to appease Dean, but apparently that’s also wrong, because Dean pushes him even harder against the wall, his eyes boring into his.
“No, Sammy. You don’t fucking get it. You are not getting anything at all about it! Fuck!” Lowering his eyes at last the intense anger seems to leave his body in an instant, his hand letting go of Sam’s shirt, a different kind of shaking overtaking his body now. “You don’t get, Sammy. You really don’t get it even a little bit.” In a stark contrast to his yelling from before his voice has become a whisper.
As he looks back up at him Sam is startled to see tears swimming in his older brother’s eyes. What in the world happened!? It seems that Dean is actually about to tell him while Sam feels like he can barely breathe, seeing the intensity of emotions in Deans eyes, all over his face, in his whole body language.
“I told you”, Dean says, his voice hoarse now, choked with tears. “I told you he saved me! You want to know how? You really want to know, Sammy? He made a deal with the Empty, a fucking deal, Sammy! You know what he gave up to save Jack, when the Empty found him in heaven? His own happiness! The moment he experienced true happiness, the Empty would be summoned and take him! That was the fucking deal he made!”
Sam waits for more, because that deal sounds all sorts of fucked up, yes, but it still doesn’t explain what exactly happened. “So… Cas’s moment of true happiness summoned the Empty? What… What was it?”, he asks extremely carefully, when Dean doesn’t say anything else. Whatever it was, it is the reason Dean got so angry with him, isn’t it?
Holding his younger brother’s gaze while breathing heavily, like the air itself is heavy and he has to force every inhale, his tears spill over down his cheeks exactly at the same moment that he speaks it out into the world: “He told me that he loves me.”
Oh. Sam’s mouth opens ever so slightly, in surprise, in shock, maybe even in horror. Though he isn’t surprised or shocked really and what is horrifying is that deal and the cruelty of it, how that deal lead to Cas confessing his love. Fuck…
“You know what the worst part is?”, Dean rasps out after a few beats of silence. “All I said was ‘Don’t do this, Cas’. Those were my last fucking words to him! After he confessed his love to me! I have regrets, Sammy! So many fucking regrets! There was something real there and I never… Everything we could have had, I let it slip away so many fucking times! That’s why I need him back! It can’t end this way! It can’t!”
Sam can only nod slowly as the full weight of everything Dean just revealed to him sinks in. Then he reaches out and pulls Dean into a hug. It doesn’t feel like there is anything he could possibly say right now, but a hug should say it all, hopefully.
Dean doesn’t return the hug at first, too rattled by everything that just happened. First his anger spilling over and then he felt so defeated and helpless all of a sudden and the only thing he felt like he could do was tell Sammy, tell him the truth, tell him what happened, what Cas did, what he bargained away to save Jack and how he then used that to save Dean as well. He isn’t sure if it feels good that Sam knows now. Maybe. Right now it mostly feels like too much. It’s all too much. So he gives in and returns the hug, all but clings to Sam, his hands both digging into the back of his shirt now, holding on. He can hold on until Cas finally returns to him. With some help he can do it.