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Kirito was never a social person, even before Sword Art Online.
He couldn’t really explain it, couldn’t explain why he never liked being around other people. He just always preferred being alone. In school, he was always the kid who worked alone, the kid who was quiet, the kid who never tried to stand out or be different. That’s just how he was.
His teachers used to meet with his parents—no, his aunt and uncle, because his parents were dead—about it. Those meetings were always useless. He was just quiet. There was nothing wrong with it, nothing wrong with him. Kirito never understood why people made such a big deal out of it.
Even with his family, Kirito was distant. He never initiated any physical contact with them. He knew that probably made him a bad nephew, but he couldn’t help it. He just didn’t like being close to others, even if they were his family.
He supposes, though, that it might have started when he found he was adopted. At only six, he found out his family wasn’t really his family. It’s one of the clearest memories Kirito has of being young. At only six, Kirito remembers feeling like he didn’t belong. After that, he only became even more withdrawn.
The touch aspect of things, however, could be blamed on his grandfather.
His grandfather’s touch always burned. It was harsh, rough, and unforgiving. His grandfather was not a gentle man. His touch always meant something bad. It meant Kirito was failing. It meant Kirito wasn’t good enough. It meant that Kirito couldn’t do something right.
So, yeah, maybe Kirito became wary of touch after his grandfather. That wariness never went away.
He didn’t like being touched, and he made that clear to his family, who never understood but listened anyway. Kirito wanted to believe their touch wouldn’t hurt, but he could never be too sure, so he never initiated anything or let them do so. It was safer to stay away.
His introverted personality is what led him to technology in the first place. Technology was predictable to him.
In Sword Art Online, nothing had changed for Kirito. Perks of being the Beater. No one wants to be around him. Kirito’s fine with it. Really, he is.
The only problem he has is that a certain fencer can’t seem to stay away from him. Maybe, though, it isn’t such a bad thing.
Maybe it’s a blessing.
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The meeting for the field boss is in a cramped cavern. This isn’t an unusual meeting place for field boss meetings. If the floor the Clearers are on has a cavern, they’ll be using it.
Kirito hates the caverns. They’re too small, not nearly enough room for all the players. Not all the Clearers are here, obviously, because there’s no way they would all fit in a cavern. Still, there’s a decent number of people here, and Kirito’s skin is crawling.
He just wants to leave. He doubts anyone would care if he did. No one wants him here, anyway.
Well, that’s not entirely true. He knows Klein and Agil would notice. He knows they’d be confused. He really only shows up to these meetings because they ask him to, because they know he’s a vital member of the Assault Team, because they know no one really comes close to his skill besides Asuna and Heathcliff.
Asuna would probably notice his absence too.
Kirito recalls missing a field boss meeting a few months ago. Asuna had come looking for him. She asked him why he had missed it. Kirito had shrugged, telling her he fell asleep. It was an excuse because Kirito just didn’t want to be around anyone that day. To this day, Kirito’s pretty sure Asuna didn’t believe him.
Kirito’s starting to tune out the meeting. For a second, he wonders why he even showed up if he wasn’t going to listen.
Then there’s a hand roughly grabbing his shoulder and a voice saying, “Pay attention to Asuna when she’s talking to you, Beater,” and Kirito is flinching away so violently that he stumbles back a few feet, almost into Klein, since his friend is standing close to him like he always does during these meetings.
For a few seconds, there’s an awkward silence in the room. The man who grabbed Kirito’s shoulder looks surprised. Everyone is staring at Kirito. It feels a little harder to breathe, suddenly.
Kirito wants to crawl out of his skin.
Without a word, he spins on his heel and forces his way to the front entrance of the cavern. He thinks Agil and Klein shout his name. He’s not really sure.
He passes Asuna on the way out. He doesn’t look at her.
Kirito doesn’t actually know where he’s going until he ends up by the riverside of the river that runs through this floor. He collapses onto the grass, coat spreading out around him as he lies down. The grass is soft.
He forces himself to relax. There’s no one around. There’s no need to be tense.
Kirito releases a sigh. He should have just stayed home. It would have saved him the embarrassment of what just happened in the cavern. He already knows people are going to gossip about what happened. He supposes it’s just one more thing he’ll have to ignore.
“Kirito.”
He sits up at the voice, eyes widening. When he turns his head, he sees Asuna.
“Asuna,” Kirito’s voice comes out just a tad bit strangled. “What are you doing here? The meeting is still going on, isn’t it?”
“I left,” Asuna shrugs, sitting down next to him but keeping space between them.
“You left?” Kirito echoes.
Asuna smiles. “Yeah.”
“Why?”
“Because you did.”
Kirito’s lips part slightly, staring at the fencer in disbelief. “You can’t just leave a meeting because of me!”
“Why not?” Asuna questions, furrowing her eyebrows.
“I—because you’re the leader!” Kirito responds, feeling a bit frazzled. “That meeting was important.”
“So are you,” Asuna answers with an earnest look in her eyes.
Kirito’s throat goes dry. He has to look away. He focuses on the river. Since the water is so clear, he can see the fish swimming.
Asuna doesn’t say anything else. Kirito’s grateful. Even though he hadn’t asked her to, it’s like she somehow knew that he didn’t feel like talking. For a while, they sit there in silence, listening to the stream.
Kirito finds himself relaxing more by the second. It’s easy with Asuna. She just has a way of making him feel content.
“I'm sorry he touched you,” Asuna eventually says, voice soft and sincere.
“It's fine,” is what Kirito says because of course his first instinct is to lie and brush it off, even though it's not fine, but he doesn't want Asuna to know that.
“It’s not,” Asuna’s tone is still soft, but there’s firmness in it.
“No, it’s not,” Kirito agrees because, really, there’s no point arguing with her over this.
“Are you okay?”
Kirito shrugs, which isn’t an answer, but it’s all he can give. He still doesn’t look at her. He’s not sure why.
Asuna hums yet remains silent, choosing not to press Kirito for answers. Once again, he’s grateful. Asuna lets him be. She doesn’t force him to tell her anything. She just stays. Kirito doesn’t understand why she does.
Kirito’s fingers graze over the grass. It’s cool to the touch. He likes that. He doesn’t like feeling warm. Sometimes being warm makes him feel uncomfortable.
“Kirito.”
Kirito finally does look into Asuna’s eyes. Her eyes are such a bright shade of hazel. They’re also warm. Gentle. She’s the only one who looks at him like this.
He isn’t used to gentleness. He’s used to scowls, to biting words, to rough shoves, to other players constantly ignoring him.
With Asuna, though, things are different.
“Yeah?” Kirito manages.
Asuna’s hand on the grass inches closer to his, but stops before contact can ever be made. “Can I…?”
Kirito blinks. No one has ever really asked if they could touch him before. His aunt and uncle stopped trying to touch him, so they never had to ask. Suguha is the only one who kept trying.
He hesitates, then nods slowly. “Okay…”
Asuna slowly moves her hand to rest atop his. Her thumb brushes over it softly. Kirito doesn’t flinch.
“Okay?” Asuna asks, eyes searching his.
“Yeah,” Kirito murmurs, lips curving just the slightest. “Okay.”
Asuna’s smile is just as warm as her touch.
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He’s at a party he really doesn’t want to be at.
The Knights of the Blood Oath had graciously offered to host a New Year’s Eve party for the Assault Team, holding it in their guild headquarters, since it has a large ballroom perfect for the occasion.
Asuna had invited Kirito. Initially, he panicked, and Asuna caught it. She proceeded to tell him that he didn’t have to go, that there was no pressure, that she’d understand if he wanted to be alone, but the offer was there because she didn’t want him to be alone to start the New Year.
Kirito had agreed to go.
Now, as he stands in the crowded ballroom, he’s beginning to regret it a little. There are a lot of people here, a lot of people who still don’t particularly like Kirito.
“I still can’t believe you agreed to come,” Klein’s voice causes Kirito to look at his friend instead of the drink in his hand.
“It would have been rude to say no,” Kirito shrugs.
“Can’t say no to the lady,” Klein hums, turning his head.
Kirito follows Klein’s gaze to where Asuna is standing with a few of her guildmates. She’s a vision. She always is.
“You know, aren’t you her date?” Klein asks, turning back towards Kirito. “Shouldn’t you be with her?”
Kirito nearly chokes. “Date?”
Klein grins. “She invited you, didn’t she?”
“That doesn’t mean anything!” Kirito quickly says. “She was being polite. We’re friends.”
“Right. Friends,” Klein puts emphasis on the word friends.
Kirito narrows his eyes. “Why did you say it like that?”
“I don’t know what you mean,” Klein sing-songs.
“Leave him alone, Klein,” a voice interrupts, and Kirito sighs in relief as Agil approaches him and Klein.
“You ruin all my fun, Agil,” Klein pouts, but proceeds to do the handshake he has with Agil. “Good to see you, man.”
“Good to see you as well,” Agil returns, then glances at Kirito. “You too, Kirito. We weren’t sure if you were going to show.”
In his usual fashion, Kirito says dryly, “Surprise.”
Agil snorts.
For the next hour or so, the three of them talk out on the balcony. Yeah, the Knights of the Blood Oath HQ is that fancy. It’s easy to talk with Agil and Klein. He’s known both of them since the start of the game, so talking with them doesn’t feel forced. They’re his friends.
Getting tired of standing, Kirito eventually sits on the railing. His hands grip the railing tightly as he stares up at the dark sky. The stars are visible on this floor. On some floors, they aren’t. Kirito prefers floors where he can see the stars.
The sky seems bright tonight, brighter than it should be. Kirito wonders if he’s being delusional.
“Please don’t fall, Kirito.”
Kirito looks over his shoulder, smiling as he sees Asuna approaching. “Even if I did, I’d be fine. We’re in a safe zone.”
“Right,” Asuna sighs, then glances at the two men with Kirito. “Hi, Klein. Agil. I’m sorry I didn’t say hi earlier. I was busy with my guild.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Klein waves off. “Some party you guys are throwing.”
Asuna smiles, shrugging her shoulders. “I guess. Have you three been enjoying yourselves?”
“We have,” Agil confirms, then, gesturing at Kirito, he adds, “Including this one.”
Kirito scowls. “You’re funny.”
When Kirito catches Asuna’s gaze, there’s a fond look in her eyes. Kirito’s heart flutters.
“Mind if I steal him for a bit?” Asuna asks Agil and Klein.
Klein’s grin is as big as Kirito has ever seen. “Of course not! Enjoy the rest of the night.”
Klein and Agil disappear back inside the ballroom. Kirito doesn’t avert his eyes until he really knows they’re gone, and Klein just isn’t lurking behind a pillar. When he’s sure, he glances at Asuna.
“Hey,” Kirito greets.
“Hi,” Asuna returns softly.
Kirito hops off the railing, choosing to lean against it instead. He thinks Asuna lets out a quiet sigh of relief. It makes him smile.
“Agil wasn’t lying, right? You’ve been okay?” Asuna asks, looking worried at the thought of Kirito being uncomfortable.
“He wasn’t. I promise,” Kirito swears.
Asuna relaxes, then. Her shoulders visibly drop. She’d been worried about him. She’d been worried even when she didn’t have to be.
“I wanted to find you sooner,” Asuna admits. “But, my guild…”
“I get it,” Kirito says quickly, wanting to erase the guilt Asuna’s feeling. “Don’t worry about it. Klein and Agil were good company. Well, Agil, mostly.”
That gets Asuna to laugh. Kirito tries to capture the sound. Asuna’s laugh is like a melody. He’s lucky he gets to hear it so often.
They fall into silence. There’s still the chatter coming from inside the ballroom behind them, but it’s just background noise. Kirito honestly doesn’t really hear it. He’s content with the silence. It’s never uncomfortable with Asuna.
Sometimes, Kirito thinks about why everything always feels so easy with Asuna. It could be because of how long they spent together at the start of the game. They were partners. Asuna was there when no one else was. Maybe that’s why he always feels so at ease around her.
“Thank you for coming,” Asuna murmurs when there are five minutes to midnight.
“Thanks for inviting me,” Kirito tosses back, his grip loosening on the railing as he stands up straighter.
“I was a bit worried you weren’t going to come,” Asuna confesses, almost shyly.
“I came for you,” Kirito blurts out.
For a split second, he almost regrets saying them. But when he sees how Asuna’s expression brightens, he knows he didn’t make a mistake. He knows what he said wasn’t stupid, even if a small part of his brain seems to think it was.
“Yeah?” Asuna asks quietly.
Kirito swallows. “Yeah.”
“I didn’t really want to come to this either,” Asuna tells him, and Kirito blinks, looking at her in confusion. “But, being with you makes it worth it.”
Kirito feels his cheeks heat up. He immediately looks away. Asuna giggles, and Kirito’s lips twitch despite the fact that his cheeks are burning.
He looks back at the stars. They are bright. So, so bright.
Like Asuna.
The thought startles him. He’s not really sure where it comes from.
“Kirito?”
Kirito glances back at Asuna. “Hm?”
Asuna looks shy, all of a sudden. Her cheeks are a bit flushed as well. “Can I do something?”
Kirito blinks, confusion swirling inside. “What?”
“Wait, let me retry this,” Asuna shakes her head, and now, the shyness looks to be replaced by determination. “Do you trust me?”
With my life, Kirito almost says.
“Yes,” is what he says instead. “Of course.”
“One minute!” someone shouts from inside the ballroom.
Kirito glances at his HUD. There is indeed one minute left until midnight.
“Okay,” Asuna says, and then in a quieter voice, she seems to mutter something to herself. It’s too faint for Kirito to hear.
A chant starts in the ballroom.
“Ten!”
Kirito briefly glances inside, then toward Asuna. Her eyes seem to be shining. They always do, truthfully, but tonight, they seem so much brighter.
She takes a step closer to him, eyes locked onto his. Kirito’s heart starts to beat faster, though he’s not entirely sure why.
(He definitely does know why.)
The count continues behind them, but Kirito barely hears it. He only hears how loud his heartbeat is in his ears. He wouldn’t be surprised if Asuna could hear it.
“One!”
Kirito hears fireworks explode in the sky above just as Asuna’s lips press against his cheek. Her lips are so soft, so tender, so light, and Kirito wonders if he’d just been imagining the kiss due to how light and brief it was.
But he knows it was real.
“Happy New Year, Kirito,” Asuna says softly, leaning back.
Kirito feels dazed. Somehow, he manages to get over his shock quickly.
“Happy New Year, Asuna,” Kirito returns softly, lips curved upwards into a genuine smile.
And together, they turn to watch the fireworks going off above them.
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Getting trapped inside a dragon’s pit wasn’t really on Kirito’s to-do list, but he ends up doing that anyway.
It’s cold down here. There’s a fire going, and he and Liz are both in their sleeping bags, but it’s still cold.
Liz is huddled in on herself. Kirito feels bad that she’s trapped here with him. He knows this isn’t exactly a pleasant experience.
She asks if she can hold his hand.
Kirito hesitates, but then ever so slowly, he reaches out, letting Liz take his hand. Liz’s hand slowly slides into his. Her hand is cold.
“Warm,” Liz murmurs, and seeing Kirito’s confused look, she adds, “Your hand.”
“Oh,” Kirito mumbles.
Liz’s eyes shut. “I didn’t know a hand could be this warm.”
Liz falls asleep quickly after that. Kirito doesn’t. He thinks about Liz’s words. He thinks about how he’s thought the same thing before, but about a different person.
Asuna is the last thing on his mind before he succumbs to sleep.
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As Liz hands Kirito Dark Repulsor, the door to the backroom of Liz’s smithery opens, and Asuna flies down the stairs, throwing her arms around Liz. Kirito blinks, but remains silent as Asuna fusses over Liz, choosing to focus on swinging his new sword, testing it out, and getting familiar with its weight.
It feels good. Really good. Liz did an excellent job on it. Even though he just told her that, he thinks he’s going to have to keep telling her how she mastered this sword. He can’t wait to start using it.
“Kirito, you got my best friend stuck in a dungeon?!”
Kirito trips but regains his footing, turning to Asuna and Liz. “I—that wasn’t really my fault!”
Asuna breathes out a sigh, taking a step back from Liz as she focuses on Kirito. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” Kirito nods, setting his beloved new sword on the table next to him.
There’s a silent question in Asuna’s eyes, one that she gives him whenever she asks if she can touch him. Kirito wordlessly nods, and in a flash, Asuna’s arms are around him in a tight but still comfortable embrace. Kirito thinks all the tension fades from his body at the hug. His eyes briefly flutter, a quiet sigh escaping his lips.
He thinks, briefly, how wild it is that he can feel this way.
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“Why must you sleep in fields without anyone to back you up?”
Kirito doesn’t open his eyes at Asuna’s voice, but his lips do twitch at the concern and exasperation in the fencer’s voice. It’s cute that she worries.
“You worry too much,” Kirito says instead of answering the question. “Besides, I couldn’t miss out on this weather today. It’s really nice.”
“You and the damn weather,” Asuna groans.
Kirito laughs softly, still keeping his eyes shut. He hears Asuna sit down on the grass next to him. He knows that she’s going to stay here with him until he decides to head back to town.
“Asuna, you don’t have to stay,” Kirito murmurs. “I don’t really fall asleep, you know. I’m always aware of my surroundings.”
“There’s no point in trying to get me to go because I’m not going to,” Asuna answers firmly. “Besides, you can sleep this way.”
Kirito’s eyes flicker. He moves his head slightly so he can look up into Asuna’s eyes. The fencer is looking at him with fondness.
“Sleep,” Asuna tells him again. “I don’t mind.”
Kirito slowly nods and once again, his eyes fall shut. The sun on his face is warm, and a light breeze caresses his cheeks. It would be so easy to fall asleep. The only thing that’s really keeping him awake is that he’s still stunned at how he can just be like this with Asuna.
She makes him feel safe. She always has, truthfully.
Like on so many previous occasions, he falls asleep thinking about Asuna.
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Laughing Coffin is finished. The Assault Team has finally taken them down. Laughing Coffin won’t be able to kill anyone else. Their reign of terror has finally come to an end.
Kirito should feel relieved.
He doesn’t. Not really.
Yes, he’s glad the guild has finally been taken care of, but it’s hard to think about that when his hands are now stained with blood. He’s a murderer.
He doesn’t know how he’s going to sleep tonight. Doesn’t know how he’ll live with himself.
The world is better off without them, a voice whispers from within his mind.
You did the right thing, another one adds.
They would have kept killing if you didn’t stop them, the third one says.
Kirito feels sick. His skin crawls. He’s never felt so unsettled before. He’s never felt more disgusted.
He’s a monster.
“Kirito.”
Someone is calling his name. He’s not sure who.
“Kirito.”
They shouldn’t bother with him. Whoever it is should leave him alone.
“Kirito.”
Hazel eyes appear in his line of sight. Asuna. He’s not that surprised it’s her. She’s always cared way too much about him. He’s never deserved it. He doesn’t deserve her concern now. She should stay away from him. He’s no good—never has been.
Kirito isn’t worth anything.
“Kirito, can you hear me?” Asuna asks quietly.
He just blinks.
“— in shock.”
“—do we do?”
“—help him?”
Is he in shock? Yes, most likely. That would explain why everything feels so wrong, why he feels so off, why he doesn’t feel like he’s breathing.
Numb.
Just so numb.
“Kirito,” Asuna calls his name gently. It takes everything in him to focus on her. “Let’s go home.”
She holds her hand out. She wants him to come with her. She shouldn’t want that. She shouldn’t want to be around him. He’s no good. He’s no good. He doesn’t understand why she can’t see that.
Yet he wants to be with her. He wants to go with her. He wants to be wrapped up in her warm embrace.
He takes her hand.
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Asuna takes him to the apartment she has in Selmburg.
He ends up sitting on the couch in the living room, coat unquipped. He stares numbly at his hands as Asuna prepares tea in the kitchen. Even though he agreed to come, he doesn’t think he should be here. He doesn’t think he deserves to be here. He should suffer alone. He shouldn’t burden Asuna with his problems.
Asuna comes back before he can even think of getting up. She hands him a cup of tea. Kirito nearly drops it because his hands are trembling so badly. He doesn’t take a drink of it. He sets it on the table instead.
“Stay here tonight,” Asuna says, though it doesn’t sound like a request. It sounds more like a plea.
“I shouldn’t,” Kirito whispers, eyes trained on the floor.
He’s going to wake up screaming tonight. Asuna shouldn’t have to deal with that.
“Please, Kirito. I know you really don’t want to be alone right now.”
He does.
(He doesn’t.)
“I’ll be fine,” Kirito lies. He doesn’t know why he bothers. He knows Asuna will just see right through his bullshit. She always does.
“We both know that’s not true,” Asuna responds softly.
Kirito feels like screaming. He wonders if that will make him feel better. Probably not. It’d probably make him feel worse.
He doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know how to stop feeling so horrible.
“Kirito?”
Kirito swallows. “Yeah?”
“Can I hug you?”
That’s what finally makes Kirito’s eyes tear up. “Please.”
He gets up, stumbles into Asuna’s arms, and wraps his arms as tightly as he can around her. His whole body shakes. She holds him without a word, a hand cradling the back of his head while the other rests on his back.
Her touch doesn’t hurt. Being in her arms doesn’t hurt.
Kirito lets himself fall apart. Asuna never lets go of him.
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When Kirito wakes up, he realizes two things: one, he's the warmest he's ever been, and two, there’s someone behind him. There’s panic, initially, but then he realizes who is behind him. As he turns, he takes in Asuna’s dishevelled appearance. Her chestnut hair is splayed everywhere, and her eyes are still shut, clearly asleep. What Kirito notices the most, however, is the fact that Asuna’s hand is outstretched, as if she wanted to touch Kirito last night but didn’t.
Kirito remembers that at some point, they moved to Asuna’s bedroom and that he must have fallen asleep from exhaustion. Asuna stayed with him, obviously, because she’s literally asleep beside him. Yet, she must have separated herself from him when he fell asleep.
She didn’t want to touch him. She must have been scared he’d be startled if he woke up.
Kirito didn’t wake up once throughout the night. He thinks it would have been different had he been alone.
As Kirito begins to move, aiming to get up, he hears a sleepy voice mumble, “Kirito?”
Kirito stops, settling back onto the edge of the bed, looking at Asuna with a soft smile. “Morning.”
Asuna’s eyes drift around the room, squinting against the sunlight beaming in through the window before landing back on Kirito. “Did you sleep okay?”
“Yeah,” Kirito confirms. “You?”
Asuna smiles faintly, and a nod is her answer.
Kirito observes for a few seconds, then points out, “Your hair’s a mess.”
Asuna scowls, pointing towards the door. “Out.”
Kirito laughs freely, rising to his feet without arguing. He heads down the stairs and collapses into one of the lush couches in the living room slash dining room. Maybe he should invest in an apartment. He definitely has the money for it. If he had to guess, he’d probably say he’s one of the richest players in the game.
The thing is, Kirito never thought about a house because he’d just stay on whatever floor the Assault Team was on. Besides, if he didn’t stay on the Floor that the Assault Team was on, he’d just return to Algade and use the bedroom in Agil’s shop.
That whole situation started when Kirito ended up at Agil’s shop late one night, selling him a bunch of things he got from a dungeon, and apparently, Agil thought he looked so tired he didn’t think Kirito was going to make it back to wherever he was staying, so he lent him the bedroom in the shop. Ever since then, Kirito has been staying there whenever he pleases.
“Are you hungry?”
Kirito looks up, watching as Asuna emerges, looking refreshed. “No, no, I’m good.”
He should probably get going anyway. He doubts Asuna wants him around any longer. He’s caused enough trouble. He gets to his feet, equipping his beloved coat, but he doesn’t get far before a sharp voice cuts through the air.
“Sit.”
Kirito startles. “What?”
“You don’t need to go, Kirito,” Asuna tells him, a sad gleam in her eyes.
“I’m sure I’ve given you enough trouble,” Kirito chuckles, and it’s definitely a little self-deprecating, but it’s only the truth.
Asuna shakes her head, a resolute look in her eyes. “You’re not trouble, Kirito. You’re not.”
For a split second, Kirito thinks about bolting. Though while he knows he’s fast, he knows Asuna is fast too. For Christ’s sake, Asuna’s nickname is the Lightning Flash. She didn’t get that nickname for nothing. She’s like a blur in battle. If Kirito were to run, she’d easily be able to keep up with him.
Besides, even if he did get away, Asuna could always look at her Friends List and click on his name to find out where he was. If he wanted to avoid her finding him, he could just temporarily remove her from his Friends List, but then he’d feel like the biggest asshole in the world for it, so that wasn’t really an option.
“I’m going to the beach,” Kirito declares. “To think.”
Asuna lifts a brow. “To think?”
“Yes,” Kirito confirms. “If you really want to, you can follow me.”
And then, he leaves the apartment.
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The sand is cool to the touch. In the hour or so he’s spent here, Kirito has repeatedly scooped the sand up and let it slip through his fingers. He likes watching it happen. He doesn’t have a reason for it.
Kirito glances away from the sand to look at the water. It’s very calm. It’s unlike the storm raging on inside him.
He killed two people last night. Granted, they would have killed him if he hadn’t killed them first. He acted in self-defence. He knows other members of the Assault Team had to as well. He knows he wasn’t the only one who killed yesterday. He wonders if they’re haunted by it.
Yet as haunted as he might be, he doesn’t regret it. He doesn’t know if that makes him a bad person.
There’s nothing else to say, really.
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Life goes on as it always does. There are nights when it’s hard for Kirito to fall asleep and nights when he wakes up screaming, but there are also nights when he does get a restful sleep. There’s no good without the bad.
Unfortunately, tonight is one of those nights when Kirito can’t sleep. On nights like these, it doesn’t matter what Kirito does; nothing he does can get him to relax. Every time he closes his eyes, he’s back reliving a nightmare.
Usually, he’s fine with being alone, but tonight, he doesn’t want to be. He wants to be with someone.
With Asuna.
Sometimes, he still finds it a little strange how freely he gives himself to her. At some point, he realized he wanted to let Asuna in. He doesn’t usually let people in, but with her, he was helpless. Heaven help him, he still is.
He’s never understood what he’s done to deserve her. He’s never asked why Asuna bothers to stick around because he’s afraid that if he does ask, that will drive her away, and he doesn’t want that, even if he’s confused about why she cares about him.
As much as Asuna cares about him, he thinks he cares about her more.
He’s not exactly sure when it started. Not exactly sure when he realized he’d do pretty much anything for her. Not exactly sure when he realized he craved her presence and wanted to be around her all the time, and how her smile seemed to make everything better.
He’s not sure when he stopped thinking of Asuna as a friend, but more.
Kirito doesn’t—he doesn’t really know what love is. He’s fifteen, almost sixteen, and being in love at his age doesn’t seem possible, but what he feels for Asuna is almost certainly love. Or, it’s close enough to love.
At first, he didn’t want to accept it. He didn’t want to need someone. He’s never needed anyone before. With Asuna, it was different. He wanted to be around her. For the first time in his life, maybe, he craved someone else’s presence.
And throughout these two years, she has been by his side. She’s earned all the trust that Kirito has given her. She probably doesn’t even realize how much trust Kirito has in her. She probably doesn’t know the place she has inside his heart.
He loves her.
Which is why, at close to three in the morning, he ends up outside Asuna’s apartment. He sent her messages telling her he’d be coming over, but there was no guarantee she’d wake up, which was fine because Kirito could just wait. Besides, waiting gave him time to think about what he would say.
Except the front door swings almost as soon as he arrives.
Kirito blinks, bewildered. “You’re up?”
“Don’t look so surprised,” Asuna says, then steps aside to let him.
Kirito thinks about sitting down for a moment, but decides against it. He turns to Asuna, stopping her from walking to sit down. Now, Asuna is the one blinking, giving Kirito a confused look.
The words are on the tip of his tongue, but for some reason, they feel stuck in his throat. It shouldn’t be this hard to say it, should it?
“Kirito?” Asuna calls.
“I love you,” he blurts out because blurting it out is the easiest way he can do this.
Asuna’s eyes widen and her lips part, gaping at him. She looks like she wants to say something, but the words aren’t coming to her, so silence settles between them instead.
It shouldn’t hurt. Kirito had prepared himself for this. He prepared himself for rejection. Why would Asuna ever love someone like him?
“Right,” Kirito clears his throat, and he wills himself not to start crying until he’s out of the apartment. “I’ll go.”
Asuna’s hand stops him. “You…you’re in love with me?”
“Yes,” Kirito confirms.
“Oh,” Asuna says, and it’s so soft that Kirito almost misses it.
He just confessed his love, and all he got was an ‘oh’. Yeah, Kirito might have to never show his face again.
“I love you too,” Asuna’s voice cuts right through the spiral that was starting to begin in Kirito’s head.
Now it’s Kirito’s turn to be bewildered. “What?”
Asuna’s lips curve upwards into the most beautiful smile he’s ever seen. “I love you, Kirito.”
Surely he heard wrong. Surely that couldn’t be true. Surely Asuna couldn’t love him. Kirito’s spent so much time preparing for the worst that he didn’t even consider the possibility that Asuna might love him back.
But, if he really thinks about it, hadn’t it been obvious? Hadn’t these last two years proved everything?
“Don’t cry,” Asuna murmurs, and suddenly, her hand is on his cheek, oh so tenderly brushing away the tears on his face.
Kirito can’t help but laugh. “Can you blame me?”
Asuna loves him.
Strangely, that gets him to think about something. It gets him to think about a name he hasn’t heard in over two years. Kirito’s spent the last two years using a name that wasn’t really his. He wants Asuna to know the real him.
“Kazuto,” he says, voice trembling over his real name. “Kirigaya Kazuto. That’s my name.”
“Kazuto,” Asuna tests the name on her tongue, and Kirito nearly shatters at hearing it. “I love you, Kazuto.”
His name has never sounded so good before. He’s obsessed with the way Asuna says it.
“Can I kiss you?” Asuna asks.
Rather than saying anything, Kirito leans in and captures Asuna’s lips with his. It’s quick and chaste, but it feels like magic. When they pull away, Kirito feels mystified. Nothing has ever felt more right than this.
“Yuuki Asuna,” is the first thing Asuna says.
Kirito is confused for only a split second before he understands. His lips twitch. “You used your real name?”
Asuna huffs. “Sword Art Online was my first game.”
“Cute,” Kirito comments, and before Asuna can even say anything, he leans in and shuts her up with a kiss.
Asuna doesn’t complain.
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Kirito is on the verge of falling asleep. He’s lying on his back, head resting in Asuna’s lap, and Asuna’s fingers are gently brushing through his hair. Her touch, like always, is so delicate. Her touch is safe.
He can’t express how right it feels to be this close with someone. He can’t express how much trust he has in Asuna. It’s absurd, in a way, that someone he met inside a game could have this place in his life, in his heart, but Asuna does.
Kirito’s eyes open, looking up to meet Asuna’s hazel ones. “Asuna?”
Asuna hums, giving him a smile, a sign to go on.
“I trust you,” he tells her.
Asuna’s smile widens. “I trust you too.”
“I trust you with everything in me,” Kirito adds, lifting his hand, thumb brushing Asuna’s cheek, which causes her eyes to flutter. “You don’t… you don’t need to ask me if you can touch me. I trust you.”
“Kazuto,” Asuna breathes, eyes wide.
Kirito smiles. “I trust you.”
Emotion shines through Asuna’s eyes. “I love you.”
“I love you,” Kirito returns, and it’s just so easy to say those words.
When Asuna leans and presses her lips to his forehead, Kirito’s smile just grows, and his eyes fall shut, and as he drifts to sleep, he can’t help but think he’ll never be more at peace than when he’s with Asuna.