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There was something off about Tucker.
Ed wasn’t sure what it was exactly, but there was something that made his skin crawl and his stomach flip when he looked at him. There was something not right in his eyes, something strangely muted and unapologetic. He played the role of a struggling scientist well, so well it was almost believable, but there was something about him – his aura, his energy, just his being that was so viscerally wrong that Ed almost felt like he needed to run.
But that wasn’t an option. Not when so much was hanging on this man’s research, his supposedly incredible breakthrough from two years ago. And definitely not when he had learned the truth about him and his brother.
So, yes, there was certainly something more going on here, but Edward couldn’t place it and wasn’t sure if he wanted to pry.
Nina was a delight.
She was young and full of life, and she hugged him tight when she decided he needed to take a break from researching and studying for the exam. He had only known her for a few weeks, but she had already captured his heart and he was protective over her in a way not unlike how he was protective of Alphonse.
He was in the library right now, the tall shelves of books on either side of him as he read, but he was finding it harder to concentrate the longer he sat. Nina was outside with Al and the mangy mutt that knocked him flat on his back every time he walked past, but he heard something behind him and twisted around where he was seated.
“Oh, Edward. There you are.” It was Tucker. Ed couldn’t explain why, but a shiver ran up his spine when he heard his voice.
There was a bit of an uncomfortable silence for a moment, and the discomfort grew until it was unbearable as the two looked at each other.
“What do you want?” he asked, immediately cursing himself for the bluntness of his phrasing. He needed to be polite and courteous to the man. He was letting him stay in his home before the exam, after all, He knew their secret and hadn’t said anything. Ed owed him.
He couldn’t fuck it up this time with his smart mouth, not when there was so much that was resting on this exam.
“You know,” Tucker began, and Ed braced himself, “you really should be more respectful.”
His stomach dropped and he wracked his mind for what to say to fix this. He didn’t mean to be disrespectful, he just sometimes spoke without thinking. And he didn’t trust adults, at least not easily. And he sure as hell didn’t trust Tucker.
“Sorry,” he mumbled, fiddling with the page of the book that was open in his lap.
Tucker sighed heavily, and Ed once again felt like something horrible was about to happen.
“I should really start punishing you for having such a smart mouth,” Tucker said casually, and Ed felt frustration and embarrassment bubbling up in his chest. He wasn’t some little kid who needed to be punished. He hated when he was treated like he couldn’t speak however the fuck he wanted just because of his age.
With extreme self-control, he held his tongue and settled for glaring at Tucker instead.
“Such an angry boy,” the man tutted, still standing while Edward was sitting on the floor with the book open on his lap. He didn’t like it. He didn’t like being stood over, didn’t like being inspected and picked apart by those cornflower eyes.
“’M not a boy,” he gritted out through his clenched teeth.
Tucker had the gall to bark out a laugh at that. Ed scowled.
“Not a boy?” Tucker asked snidely, “You’re not even twelve years old. That’s hardly a man.”
Edward felt his hands begin to clench and his pulse picked up, and he willed himself to calm down. He wouldn’t screw Al over with his stupid fucking temper again. He couldn’t. He promised.
Instead of putting Tucker in his place, he just took a breath and continued to hold the large tome close to himself.
“But that’s hardly what I came down to speak with you about,” Tucker said, and Edward felt his stomach drop again.
What the fuck else could he need to talk to him about? Ed hoped he didn’t want something from him for staying at his home without giving anything in return. It didn’t feel right, but he couldn’t even begin to think of something he could do to repay him, even if his mere presence made his skin crawl.
“I’m sure you know the principle of equivalent exchange,” Tucker began, and Ed instantly felt his thoughts begin to race.
Fuck, did Tucker want something from him? What could he even ask for? Ed hadn’t noticed anything that seemed to be in disrepair around the man’s massive estate.
Before Ed could say anything, Tucker spoke again.
“Since you’ll be staying with me as you prepare for the state exam, I’m sure you’re wondering what I’m requiring in return.”
He sounded slimy. Ed hardly fought a grimace off his face.
“I don’t owe you anything,” he growled and instantly snapped his mouth shut. Him and his fucking smart mouth.
“Don’t you? You know nothing in life is free,” Tucker said, “You should know that better than anyone.”
Edward was fuming. How dare this man try to explain his own sins to him? He knew what he had done, that was why he was here in the first damn place.
The two stared at each other for a moment, Ed trying to put on the most defiant front possible as he stared into those pale blue eyes. Tucker showed no signs of being intimidated.
The staring continued for another moment.
And then: “What do you want.”
It wasn’t a question. Ed made that clear. He wasn’t giving up, and he wasn’t giving in. Not yet. He was just seeing what the cost was, and if he could stand to pay it.
Tucker chuckled before he spoke, and Ed just barely stopped himself from saying something foul.
“Edward,” he began, and Ed barely suppressed a shiver at how his name sounded when Tucker said it. “Do you know about sex?”
Ed stopped scowling.
Because what?
What the fuck did that have to do with anything?
“Of course I do,” he snapped defensively.
He didn’t.
At least, not really.
He knew people didn’t really talk about it. That Granny always said she was going to sit him and Alphonse down to talk about it, but she hadn’t had the chance in the chaos before they left Resembool.
He knew it had something to do with kissing. Which he, for the life of him, couldn’t understand the appeal of.
He’d seen brief explanations of it in one of his father’s biology books, but he hadn’t really paid attention since it didn’t have anything to do with what he was researching.
But what the hell did it have to do with anything right now?
“Oh, of course,” Tucker said, and his eyes were bright with something akin to humor, “Then you already must know what I want in exchange.”
What?
Just...what?
Was Tucker saying he wanted Ed to have sex with him?
There had to be something that he didn’t know about it, because everyone was always so cagey when they talked about sex. But not Tucker.
“We can’t,” Ed said instinctively. Everything about this was setting off alarm bells in his head but he couldn’t quite place why.
“And why not?”
“We just...why do you even want to?”
Because the truth was, Ed didn’t understand. He didn’t know. And he had never done well with not knowing things, especially when they were apparently obvious things that Tucker knew and he didn’t.
Tucker laughed again, and Ed scowled.
“The hell is so funny?” he snapped, and Tucker almost immediately dropped the smirk that had begun to form on his face.
“You’re naive,” he said.
“I’m not-”
“You are. And you can’t handle not knowing.”
Ed’s face burned, but he didn’t break eye contact with those cold eyes.
“I don’t appreciate you lying to me, Edward.”
Ed didn’t have much to say to that. He had lied, after all. Technically.
“Now you must be punished along with equivalent exchange,” Tucker said breezily, but something about it was off.
Something about this whole interaction was wrong, but Ed couldn’t for the life of him figure out what it was.
“I was going to let you off easy, but now I think I need to be a bit harsher,” Tucker said.
Tucker reached out and Ed immediately flinched back. The fuck was he doing? Why the fuck was he trying to touch him? Ed knew the guy made him uneasy, but that unease had just skyrocketed into something unfamiliar. Something almost scary.
“Fuck’re you doing?” he snapped, but Tucker just smiled – somehow coldly – and crouched down so they were finally face-to-face.
“I’m just teaching you about something all men know. And you said you’re a man, right, Edward?”
Stop fucking saying my name. He wanted to say something, but anything he could have thought of died on his lips and his mouth went dry as Tucker reached towards him again and rested his hand on his left shoulder.
“Equivalent exchange,” Tucker said again, and god, Ed really wanted to say something, but he was starting to feel sick and his mouth was dry and his palms were clammy and- and- what the fuck was Tucker doing?
“What does this have to do with equivalent exchange?” he rasped, and kicked himself for sounding so unsure of himself.
“This is what’s going to serve as equivalent exchange for you staying in my house. Nothing is free, and the price you’re going to pay is to have sex with me.”
Ed had known it was coming, of course it was, but he still stiffened when Tucker said it out loud.
What the fuck even was sex? How was he supposed to do something when he didn’t even know what it was?
Tucker was looking at him expectantly, his eyes hard.
Clearly he didn’t have an option. It wasn’t like he was going to sabotage the chances of getting Alphonse’s body back just because Tucker wanted him to have sex. After all, sex couldn’t be worse than what he’d been through, right? There was no way anything could be any worse than losing his mother, or the pain of his arm and leg unraveling, or the agony of going through automail surgery and rehabilitation.
He didn’t know why, but he felt himself shake as he looked Tucker straight in the eyes.
I’m not going to fuck this up for you, Al. Not again.
He clenched his fist and did his best to restrain himself from smacking Tucker’s hand away.
“Fine,” he said, “I’ll do it.”
Tucker smiled.
-----
Later on, he found himself in the shower. The water was hot. Likely unbearably so, but he didn’t move. He doubted he could even if he wanted to; he felt the absence of the usual connection he felt between his mind and his body.
That should have been alarming.
It wasn’t.
He was sore.
It felt muted but there was definitely some sort of ache he was feeling.
For some reason he couldn’t understand, he felt sick.
He saw himself in the tub, sitting down as the water rained down on his skin. He saw himself turn to the side and retch.
He couldn’t find it in himself to care.
This wasn’t real, after all. This had to be a dream. He didn’t feel like he was awake. He didn’t feel like he was alive. In fact, he didn’t feel much of anything at all.
It doesn’t matter, the little voice in his head whispered, you don’t matter. You’re just here to get Al’s body back.
And, oh, that was it, wasn’t it?
Alphonse’s body.
Tucker had wanted something.
Tucker had said he wanted to have sex.
Ed watched himself as he leaned over the lip of the tub and vomited on the tile again.
Tucker had said he wanted to have sex. Tucker had said a lot of things. Tucker had wanted a lot of things. Don’t move, be quiet, just relax, swall-
Ed retched again.
There was an abrupt knock at the bathroom door and Ed felt the breath he didn’t know he had been holding rush out of his body. He sat stock-still and his heart was racing as he fought the nausea from the sudden re-entry of his soul into his own body.
His hands shook. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know if he could say anything.
“Um, brother?”
Oh. That wasn’t Tucker.
“Are you okay…? You’ve had the water running for a long time. Mr. Tucker said it’s nearly dinnertime.”
Right.
It took everything in him not to gag again at the mere mention of the man’s name.
Get up. Al doesn’t need to know anything’s wrong. Al can’t know. Get it together.
“Fine, Al,” he forced himself to speak. His throat burned and acid spilled into his mouth.”’M coming.”
Al probably said something that Ed didn’t hear before the shadow that had been under the door disappeared.
He needed to get up.
With herculean effort, he managed to move his arms so that he could push himself up. They were heavy like lead. He struggled a bit as he managed to stand up and remembered how fucking disgusting he was when sharp pain shot up his spine.
He realized he was shivering when he reached out to grab the towel that was hung on the hook. He patted himself down gingerly and pointedly ignored looking in the direction of the mirror even though he knew it was fogged over with steam. He didn’t know if he could stomach looking into the face of someone as pathetic as he was right now.
Coward.
He wasn’t sure how long he had been standing in front of the tub with water dripping from his skin and pooling on the tile when he heard another knock on the door.
He fucking hated the way his breath caught when he heard it.
“Dinner’s ready, brother.”
Thank God it was Alphonse again. Ed wanted to put off hearing Tucker’s voice as long as possible if he could help it.
“I’ll be down in a minute,” he rasped and cleared his throat harshly, willing himself to think about anything other than the reason why his throat was sore (why his skin was red and raw from the scalding water, why his body ached and pain pulsed in his skull, why he could still feel those hands burning his skin).
In a haze, he dressed himself without looking down. His shirt and pants felt like they were awkwardly clinging to his body and he hated hated hated how out of place he felt in his own skin.
He stood in front of the door for a moment. Staring. Following the pattern of the wood grain. He had to put the mask back on, he knew. Al was down there and Al didn’t need to know. Al couldn’t know.
So he exhaled rapidly through his mouth, forced himself to smile, and turned the knob.
He had to do this.
There was no other way and he was out of options.
He had pushed his luck too far and this was the price he had to pay.
He would do it every time.
For Al.