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WIRED @wiredmag
Hello hockey fans! We have invited the Ottawa Centaurs' very own Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov to do a WIRED Autocomplete Interview, where they will answer the web's most searched questions about themselves. Tune in tonight at 6.30 PM EST, only on YouTube!
→ Ilya Rozanov @rozanov81
hello @wiredmag why the hell do you put me second, do you want views to go down or what
Seeta <3 @localhockeygirl24
Cant believe they got bullied into actually doing this press tour hahaha when are we getting the puppy interview?? So serious right now
gabriel in the house @urfavcentaursfavartist
everybody say thank you harris drover, esteemed social media manager of the centaurs, for giving us these gems, you are the man you are the myth you are the legend
allie (tay’s version) @holy_ground
i personally give them a minute before they have to censor some swearing from ilya
→ Noah @og_hollanov_truther
i want in. 32 seconds
[Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov Answer the Web’s Most Searched Questions | WIRED]
The video starts. The two undoubtedly best hockey players of the NHL, that are, by the way, also married as of last year, are sitting in front of a white background, not yet looking at the already rolling camera.
The one on the right is wearing a grey Ottawa Centaurs Hoodie. The one on the left is wearing the Centaurs Jersey with the number 24 above a white shirt. It may strike the viewer as an unusual combination of clothing pieces. The players still seem to be a little preoccupied, looking at each other.
“Will you shut the fuck up and please, please, for the love of god don’t you dare to say anything even remotely inappropriate. Don’t you fucking dare.”, the hockey legend that is Shane Hollander hisses while he adjusts his husband’s collar that is sticking out above the jersey. It’s clear that he doesn’t know that the cameras are already rolling and this moment is certainly not meant for the public.
Which obviously was of no real concern to the editor as this moment very much has found its way into the public.
“Define appropriate.”
“Rozanov. I swear to god.” He sounds completely done with his husband’s bullshit, which is completely fair looking at said husband’s twitter posting history or the fact that they have been dragged onto an extensive media tour following their not so voluntary coming-out to the public last year. And Ilya Rozanov really isn't known for his extensive media training. Or response to authorities in general.
“Moya lyubov, you know I would not.”, the husband, hockey legend Ilya Rozanov, says earnestly and puts his right hand on where medical professionals would locate his heart. Shane Hollander seems to sincerely doubt that his husband has something even remotely resembling a heart and lets out an exasperated sigh. “Right.”
Cut.
“Hi. This is my husband Ilya-” Shane is interrupted by Ilya smacking the most obnoxious, most sweet kiss onto Shane's right cheek. This universe doesn’t have people shooting red lasers out of their eyes, but for a moment Shane Hollander is probably very close.
“What? Need to make first statement clearer. I have seen the fangirls online.”, Ilya explains.
“Alright”, Shane says with the resignation of someone overly familiar with this kind of bullshit, “Now that this is cleared up, this is my husband Ilya Rozanov and I-”
Another interruption. “Let me do it please?”, Ilya asks, and the people who up until clicking on this video thought a six foot something hockey player to be incapable of making excellent little puppy eyes are proven extremely wrong at this very moment, “I want to do it.”
“Fine.” Shane is actually just a little slut for his husband, and honestly, good for them that the flame is still going strong after all those years. How many years exactly is a mystery they will touch upon in the course of the following interview.
“I am his husband and also best hockey player in the league Ilya Hollander, this is Shane Hollander-” This time, Ilya is interrupted by Shane.
“Ilya, you can’t make jokes about that! You know how the people get, besides”, Shane seems to remember where they are and looks at the people behind the camera with a desperate glint in his eyes, “Could we have just a moment please?”
Cut.
White background. The protagonists of the video seem to have walked out of the picture and are heard to be having a serious conversation that is only in parts picked up by the sensitive microphones in the studio.
Something something haven’t even told my parents yet something how did you even manage to keep our secret all these years something how did i end up being married to you something something.
Cut.
Ilya seems to be sitting a little straighter now and he isn’t grinning anymore. It remains unclear to the viewer how many takes it took to get to this point, but it most certainly took more than three.
“Jesus Christ, Ilya.” Shane rubs over his face. “Hi, I’m Shane Hollander, this asshole is Ilya Rozanov and we are doing the WIRED autocomplete interview.”
He nudges Ilya with his elbow, who sits up even more straight and begins to recite monotonously: “Where we will be answering the web’s most searched questions about us.”
The people listening very closely will hear Shane mumbling thank god so silently it barely makes it into the video.
Cut.
“So, first question!” Shane’s tone is overly cheerful, and he shoots his husband beside him a warning glance while peeling the first strip of paper from the cardboard he is holding.
“How many goals has Shane Hollander scored?”, Ilya reads out loud.
“I have 583 career goals. But I can’t get all the credit for them, they were scored in a team effort!”
“The last ones with Montreal not, believe me.”, Ilya mutters under his breath. Shane doesn’t elaborate, but looks incredibly sad. It is an open secret that his last weeks with the Montreal Voyageurs were characterized by hostility and homophobia, which translated to an uncoordinated and chaotic game on the ice. The goals scored were mainly thanks to what perhaps was some of the best hockey Shane played in his career without the defensemen doing their job and protecting their captain from being checked into the barricades. It was also uninspired hockey, and not fun to watch.
“What languages does Shane Hollander speak?”
“English, as you can hear. French of course. And then some Japanese from my mother, but I’m not great, and I learned some Russian from Ilya here.” Shane wants to continue with the next question, but Ilya still has something to say.
“That’s true, he’s very talented with languages. But I think he’s even more talented in the bedroom, on his knees-” Ilya gets interrupted by a harsh elbow to his side. But the beginning smile on Shane's face tells the viewers that Ilya successfully turned the atmosphere in the studio into something a lot more comfortable than the remainders of the past year with the Voyageurs still lingering on Shane's mind.
“Where is Shane Hollander from?”, Ilya asks after peeling the next paper strip from the board.
“I’m from Ottawa, so I’m very grateful that I get to play for my hometown team now.” He pauses a few moments and seems to think about saying something that has been weighing on his heart for some time now. Ilya reassuringly puts his hand on Shane's shoulder.
“And, while my father is Canadian, my mother is Japanese. I say this now because people often also ask me that, and while I didn’t think this was a big deal for the longest time, now I actually think it’s very important for kids to see somebody with the same background up here. Hockey is still a very white and straight sport, but times are changing.”
“Is Shane Hollander gay?” The answer comes promptly, courtesy of Ilya Rozanov, and is probably the fastest and shortest of the entire video. “Extremely gay. Next!” Shane doesn’t even bother to correct him.
“Is Shane Hollander married to Rose Landry?”
“Who even asks these questions?”, Ilya pouts, “We had that whole gay rivalry scandal and for what? How can people still think-” He crosses his arms and mumbles something along the lines of gay rights and whole thing was six years ago people, get a fucking grip and lasted weeks, tops.
“To answer the question, no, Rose and I are good friends and I am-” Shane turns to Ilya “very happily married to this man right here. Stop pouting.”
Ilya reveals the next question, and his expression turns very serious immediately. “How is Shane Hollander's injury?”
“I’m assuming that question is about the Montreal Boston game 2017. People still ask about that?” Shane absentmindedly rubs his hand over his long healed collarbone.
“Was very serious. I will never forget how you looked that night, on the ice with all these paramedics around you.” Ilya gets very quiet now.
“I’m a lot better now, thank you.” Shane smiles. “And actually it’s good we didn’t make it to the playoffs that year. The Voyageurs would’ve beaten the Bears and the Admirals of course and we never would’ve gotten that iconic Scott Hunter kiss on national TV.”
“Would be shame," Ilya agrees, remembering the season that changed a lot for both of them. His face still has that solemn expression that he doesn’t often display in public.
They look at each other, seemingly sharing a moment that they do not let the world in on. Then Shane remembers where they are, and looks at the camera again.
“Well, and this concludes the questions about me.”
“Yes, away with the boring, now we go to the juicy stuff! Sex, drugs, and rock ’n’ roll!” Ilya practically rips the cardboard out of Shane’s hands and flings it somewhere out of sight. A few moments later the viewer can hear a small thud followed by a Mr. Rozanov, we would really appreciate it if you could aim at the ground in front of you with the next one from a voice behind the camera. At least he has the decency to look a little apologetic.
“Ilya, that’s gross.” “Only the truth! No one wants to know about boring Canadian!”
The viewer can briefly witness a fond smile on Ilya's face, before the scene ends.
Cut.
“How many goals has Ilya Rozanov scored?” This time, Ilya holds his own question board and Shane reads out the questions.
“I have scored 561 goals in my career. All the credit goes to me, because I do all the work.”
“Don’t lie, I've had many assists to your goals this season. Can’t even share credit with me?”
“Not until you get better backhand.”
“What has that got to do with my assists to your goals?”
“So you’re aware you have weak backhand?”
“I do not.”
“You do, so every assist from you is like you playing for opposite team.”
“Fuck you, that makes no fucking sense.”
Cut.
“How do you pronounce Ilya Rozanov?”
“It’s good Russian name, so you say Ilya Rozanov, Ilya with two syllables and both with emphasis on the second syllable. You Americans always butcher our names so I will be expecting better in the future.” He looks directly into the camera lens while saying this.
“Where is Ilya Rozanov from?” Shane reads out loud and chuckles. “They still don’t know this?”
“I’m from Russia, but I do have Canadian citizenship now. Better this way I think”, Ilya replies. “Russia is not so good to people like me. So much as it pains me, I won’t be going back any time soon.” Shane puts his arm around Ilya, who leans against his husband and briefly closes his eyes. Then he opens them again, sits up straight and nods.
“Why did Ilya Rozanov leave Boston?” is the next question on the board.
“Now is very obvious, but I wanted to be closer to Shane. And Canadian citizenship rather than American. Made sense back then, and I was ready to sacrifice my career. I already won Stanley Cup so I didn’t know what more I could do in Boston anyway.” Ilya smiles. “Now I have one thing I still want to do. I want to win Stanley Cup with my husband. And the Centaurs, who I like more than I thought I would.”
“What are Ilya Rozanov’s hair products?” Shane lets out an exasperated sigh, as he, more than anyone yet, knows exactly the beast they have awoken in Ilya with that question.
“Ah, somebody asking the real questions! Unfortunately, my mother gave me this hair so do not expect similar results. I use-” Oblivious to the annoyance of his husband, Ilya begins to ramble on about the overly expensive luxury products he uses before, in and after the shower, and in which order he utilises them. Undisturbed he continues talking about his skincare, which was not the point of the question at all. It’s obvious he has spent a great deal of money and thought into his routine.
“Only takes five minutes in the morning, at most.”, he ends his monologue, looking proud. He has been waiting years for somebody to ask him that.
“It does not.”, Shane simply states and goes on to the next question. Ilya pretends he didn’t hear his remark.
“Who does Ilya Rozanov admire?”
“Taylor Swift. I do not think that needs any further explanation.”
Cut.
“And now we have some questions about us both.” Shane puts down the board with Ilya’s questions and gets handed the next one from off-screen. He peels the first strip of paper and reveals the question, which is read aloud by Ilya.
“How did Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander meet?”
“We met at the Junior Championships in Saskatchewan. We were both in the finale, and we talked briefly before the game.”, Shane says and shares a fond smile with Ilya. He doesn’t make any attempts to elaborate on the matter. Which doesn’t stop the people behind the camera, though.
I think what the viewers really want to know is when you met, if you want to share that with us?
“That was 2008. A long time ago.”, Shane muses, “We were both so young. Not even rookies yet.”
“Yes, I remember. I won the game of course. It was then they decided we would be greatest rivals of whole hockey. And they were right about greatest, of course.”
And when did you feel this relationship would progress to much more than only that? The voice from the off really seems invested, but at this point, who isn’t? It’s the questions that have kept the fans up at night ever since March 2021.
“I guess it was after the draft, in 2009. We coincidentally met at the hotel gym, and there was just this feeling I had afterwards.” Shane doesn’t continue but the shade of red on his face speaks volumes about his feeling.
“In 2008. Right after we talked. That was it for me.”, Ilya says. It’s clear that he enjoys winning against his husband, even if it’s not a competition. It’s also clear that Shane definitely does not enjoy being beaten by his husband, even if it’s not a competition.
“What? We literally exchanged like three words? How could you have known?”
“Was more words. And just this feeling I had afterwards.”, Ilya repeats and grins suggestively. Shane’s face turns an even darker red. It’s clear that the viewer misses some context.
Okay, last one before we continue. Who made the first move?
The ensuing discussion will end up filling a large portion of the video. Why the editor didn’t cut it completely from the end product will remain a mystery to Shane, but apparently this has been the subject of many reddit posts and facebook groups in the past few months so they wanted to keep this answer in its full length. And the editor really could not find any moment he could cut without making it seem like the viewer missed out on some aspects so the following just needs to be enjoyed completely, no cuts, to get something just remotely adjacent to a real and truthful answer.
Before the off-screen voice can finish the question, both protagonists call out the answer at the same time.
“I did.” They look at each other, baffled. It can only be one to make the first move, after all.
“In what world-”
“You wish-”
“I was the one who introduced myself to you!”
“Yes, but I made it romantic! I was checking you out first!”
“Romantic? Checking me out? Oh, please, you jerked off in front of me and you only did that because I was already hard.”
“You wouldn’t have even been in that shower if I hadn’t requested you for that commercial. And you were ready to forget it until I came to your room and kissed you!”
“But once you were there, who was on their knees first? Who got off first?”
“After I kissed you! And without me you wouldn’t have had the slightest idea of what to do in that room!”
“Well, this is all irrelevant as I made the first move months earlier, after the draft.”
“Oh yeah? Was that after I gave you bedroom eyes on the treadmill or after I touched your hand homoerotically which was also after I gave you my water bottle, to drink from? Our saliva mixed that night!” He makes a big dramatic gesture with his arms spread wide, while Shane shakes his head and mumbles that’s so gross, Ilya before continuing their discussion.
“It was actually before all that when I looked at you after the draft ceremony while talking to our managers, or did you conveniently forget that just now?”
“You call that a move?”
“Bedroom eyes, you said it yourself!”
“If that counts I win. At commercial, in front of everyone.”
“Rozanov laughed at me! That’s not a move. And also that happened way after the draft”, Shane explains and looks behind the camera, searching for confirmation he is right. Probably with no success, as most people behind the camera, like the people watching this video, are more likely to be expressing varying degrees of confusion by trying to piece the timeline of the relationship together. And also, trying to understand how these two idiots are married and remain married to this day.
“I called you pretty!”
“As a joke!”
“Was not a joke.”
“Tell that to Ilya twelve years ago!”
“I don’t have to, he knew.”
“Well I knew that I made a move before the commercial, at the draft ceremony, when they took photos of us. I touched your shoulder.”
“But at our first game, months before that, I said ‘See you at the draft’ which is Russian for I’m making a fucking move so I win.”
“Which just brings us back to the point that I went to you before that! To introduce myself!”
“And why did you do that? I watched your practice! Very obviously checking you out!”
“So? I watched yours before that!”
“And I watched your games on television, back in Russia.”
“Now you’re just grasping at straws. Admit it, I win this.”
“I’m not liar and that is not true. A reporter asked me about boring Canadian hockey prodigy in 2007 and I said ‘I’m looking forward to playing against him someday’ so there you go.”
“I followed you on Instagram, years before we met!”
“First of all, that was definitely your mom, and second of all, I followed you back, and slid in your DMs!”
“Oh that’s just a fucking lie!”
“How do you know? You never open the app!”
Silence. Just to grown-ass hockey players looking at each other accusingly.
Cut.
“Who is captain, Ilya Rozanov or Shane Hollander?” There could have been a lot better questions to start off with after the last segment. But they both seem to have calmed down.
“That would be my husband.” Shane normally looks equally proud and annoyed by that fact when asked this question in other interviews, but today he just crosses his arms and shoots a glaring look in the vague direction his husband is sitting. Who looks smug as if he won the Stanley Cup against his husband in overtime.
“Who is the better player, Ilya Rozanov or Shane Hollander?” And these questions just keep coming. The public isn’t ready to let go of that years-long rivalry they had going, and apparently, neither are Shane and Ilya. Shane still chooses the diplomatic answer, to try and end this disaster of an interview on a more positive note. Or at least, without having the public think they are witnesses to hockey’s first married and then divorced couple. Which would add a whole new layer of hostility to the rivalry story, let’s be real.
“Well, I think that’s a very difficult question, with many approaches to answering-” He gets cut off immediately. Because of course he does.
“Numbers, Shane. The people want numbers.”, Ilya says, knowing exactly how the next minute is going to go. Shane dives right into making his case, again, that he is the better player.
“Then easy. Me, because I have more goals.”
“But I have more trophies so. Is me.”
“Only if you count the one from GQ for the sexiest man alive!”
“Your point being? It makes me better player, yes?” It certainly doesn’t make him a worse player.
“I literally have three Stanley Cups!”
“And I’m sexiest man alive!”
“But you’re mine. I still win.”
Ilya can’t argue with that.
Cut.
Only one last question is left on the board. The relief is palpable, at least on Shane’s side of the room. Ilya on the other hand seems to always be ready to coerce his partner into yet another competition off-ice.
“When do Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander play?” Finally, and also, lastly, a neutral question. Shane takes to answer.
“We actually play tomorrow, here in New York against the New York Admirals. Come and support us, or watch us on TV! I promise it’s gonna be a great time!”
“If old man Hunter can find stadium. And his skates.”
“Quit being mean, Ilya, you’re not so young anymore either!”
“But unlike Scott Hunter I didn’t learn skating from ice age people. On frozen ocean. 100.000 years ago.”
Cut.
“Thank you so much for watching. It’s been a fun-” Shane pauses and clears his throat, “Hopefully we could clear up some of the questions the internet has about us.” Shane’s smile says a great deal about the relief he feels that this interview is over.
Then Ilya starts to speak.
“Yes, what he said. And remember kids: I am world best hockey player, and also husband of second best hockey player, so I win.”
Shane’s smile turns a little forced.
Cut.
Noah @og_hollanov_truther
3 sec?? And SHANE HOLLANDER? I feel disappointed and proud at the same time.
sierra @ms_rozanov_81
halfway thru and i feel like an intruder. i should excuse myself and see myself out. this isnt meant for our eyes. in the best way possible
Maxim @rozy_apologist
Listen, I love all that extra content with our favs and everything, but isn’t it kinda sad that they were forced to come out last year and now the NHL makes them explain themselves in all these interviews. Come on NHL, do better.
→ Maxim @rozy_apologist
Just seems a bit shady, you know. Last year NHL couldn’t even bother to protect Shane Hollander from the Voyageurs and now they’re milking the cow with Hollanov.
→ mark @hayespresident
ex- *clap* -act- *clap* -ly *clap* what ive been saying. the boys deserve peace and privacy
→ daniella @monalizanebood
while i completely support what yall are saying, i also wanna say that i love what they are doing with it tho. especially shane seems way more open and relaxed than before, which is great to see honestly. they both seem much more themselves.
→ Seeta <3 @localhockeygirl24
Plus, they dont just reel off some media training bullshit nhl wants them to, they seem to have fun with it. Could be a lot worse is my take
→ daniella @monalizanebood
yeah i think the cents socials manager has quite a bit to do with that! hes always making sure the players are comfortable and all that. he also posts really wholesome training bts yall should check it out!
yichen @cents4thecup
Shane Hollander freak in the sheets. i said what i said.
daniella @monalizanebood
did somebody say 2008?? DID SOMEBODY SAY 2008?????
→ daniella @monalizanebood
i died. dead. someone revive me.
Lara <3 @hayzy_storm
As a neurodivergent pal i gotta say. Shane girl ur my spirit animal
haruki @hollanderfan98
Ilya Rozanov confirmed loverboy. Everybody stay calm. CALM.
con @welcometo_ottawa
ilya professional hockey player? more like professional rage baiter
Seeta <3 @localhockeygirl24
Shane hollander the man you are, putting up with that menace day and night
jing :) @24_isforlife
why is nobody here talking about ilyas twelve step skin and haircare vid @thecut just released? its 23 minutes long??? rozanov my king that is not 5 minutes my guy
BuzzFeed Celeb @buzzfeed_celeb
It has come to our attention that y’all want more from our hockey power couple and last year’s Stanley Cup winners. So grab some refreshments, because it’s gonna get hot in here with our two favorite hockey players Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander reading thirst tweets to each other! Tonight, 8.00 PM EST, on our YouTube-channel!
[Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander Read Thirst Tweets]
gabriel in the house @urfavcentaursfavartist
what a way to start pride month
Ilya Rozanov @rozanov81
@wiredmag see this? more views. i rest my case