Archive of Our Own

Kai was usually normal about things.

Normal, like, he wouldn’t ever get too excited or be too sad if anything of the like happened. He mostly, usually had a rational response. Just a quick ‘oh!’ or, ‘ah’ would do it for him and that was it. If it was a happy occasion, he’d celebrate and then move on. If it was a difficult one, he’d try to find a solution.

He was practical like that.

Maybe it had come from being a farmer-boy all these years, having to think on his feet with no time to lay around working on solutions. Harvest was an essential time of the year and he could never afford to waste the period by slacking then. Farmers, by all means, had to be hard and fast.

When his distant friend told him he was getting married, Kai had simply congratulated him and then came for the wedding. There were no ifs or buts, no doubts on the status of their friendship. To him it was really simple. People meant what they said, and if they didn’t– well, it was on them.

So naturally, he was honest and simple too. He meant what he said. He never forgot about promises and he hated the idea of cheating anyone.

Really, he was a kind and caring man. A boy actually, being only 19, but the death of his father at an early age had made him seem older.

But when his cousin from the other Island came to live with them, he suddenly didn’t know what to do anymore. It was like all his principles from the past years had suddenly been forgotten, or deleted from his memory. He fumbled when the other laid hands on his biceps and squeezed them with obviously innocent intents. That’s what Kai chose to believe, and later knelt over his bed, hard in his pants, and prayed to the Lord above about the incident.

Beomgyu was an innocent boy. Kai was wrong to have those thoughts about him. Sure, his frail cousin looked like a girl sometimes, no, most times, and not just because of his hair– but that didn’t mean he should taint his innocence. Those thoughts were wrong, they were wrong because Beomgyu was a boy– and also– because he was his blood.

He sighed and trudged down to the parlour, splashing his face with the water from the kitchen bucket in the darkness.

Beomgyu was an ink splotch on his pristine paper self.

The next day came by and he regretted not sleeping well last night.

But it wasn’t his fault, was it? Kai pushed his overgrown hair out of his face. He was due for a haircut. More barn work today. He could have his breakfast later and… the town. He would go to the town today, do the work he had been supposed to complete over a month ago. Something with mother’s winter boots. Yes. It was the perfect time to go.

“You’re up early today.”

Kai gave his mother a tight lipped smile, but not an answer. She didn’t suspect anything and continued to work.

“Please wake Beomgyu up after you’re done.”

Kai’s fingers paused over the button of his coat. He turned around slowly, mustering up a plain face.

“‘M can’t. I’m heading to the town today– for your boots. Remember?”

“Oh. I thought you’d done the work a month ago.” She raised a brow at him. “Very well. Better late than never, I guess.”

He was surprised at how easily she let go of the matter. 3 weeks ago she would have been a rigid interrogator. His lips curled into a smile when he remembered she never really questioned him, for he meant what he said– always.

“You know..” he motioned around with his hands, awkwardly, “I would’ve brought him with me. But you know how he gets outside.”

“I know.” She handed him a glass of hot water. “Drink this and go.”

Once the work at the barn was done and the sun had risen over the light blue sky, lighting up vast stretches of fields, Kai returned home for a short moment. He packed his little pouch with money and an apple and hurried to leave before his mother– or Beomgyu– could catch him.

But just as he sat on the makeshift bench at the porch, the door opened slightly and the walking-talking nightmare of his life stepped out, carrying a smile whose meaning he wasn’t sure of.

“Kaii~ Sweet, sweet Kai. Where are you goin’ ?”

He grunted, “Not your business.”

The boy fucking pouted. Kai finally gave the rest of him a glance.

“That is my shirt.”

“Mhm! Your ma gave it to me. Looks better on me no, aye?” Beomgyu spinned in front of him. Kai’s face further soured when he realised the boy wasn’t wearing any pants.

“Take it off. You’re an idiot.” Kai whispered the last part, not with endearment. He meant it genuinely. Beomgyu was an idiot for believing he looked good with his shirt on.

But it didn’t faze him. Beomgyu grinned, exactly like an idiot, with all his pearly teeth out and stared down at Kai. Then he reached a hand forward and poked him in the chest.

“Why?”

Something about the action set fire in Kai. He couldn’t decipher the difference between anger and excitement. Maybe they were both the same, mixed in his heart. Anger because… well, Beomgyu was annoying and he hated the way he never listened to him.

And excitement? It definitely was related to the blood that went south, pooling.

“Just.” Kai finished lacing up his boots, “Just ‘cause.”

His tone sounded confusing even to his own ears, hot red.

He only remembered Beomgyu’s stupid wide mouthed grin when he ran all the way to the barn for the horse. The image of his pearly whites was now plastered to the back of his mind when he climbed on the black stallion’s back. And the worst part was his laughter, stuck to his ears like golden honey as he pulled the reins and beckoned the creature forward.

That night,

He plagued his sleep once more– spreading like sweet poison through his cloudy dreams.

Small hands, like a girl. Skinny body, ribs poking through his torso. Brown hair that was too grown.

Kai woke up in a start and immediately leapt out of bed, making his way to the open window in the darkness. The moon, shining ever so brightly against the obsidian sky, should have brought a sense of smooth relief over him.

It did not.

Instead, there was a sudden unease in the pit of his stomach.

He managed to climb back into bed without bothering to wash his face or drink water, willing to do anything to forget about the pain. The night was difficult to get through and he regretted not waking up his mother for medicine. When he woke up the next morning, it was like the sudden sickness had never happened.

“Mamma?”

She turned her head swiftly from the table and looked at him with a stern but caring gaze. Kai blinked, forgetting what he wanted to say for a moment. The power that her eyes held threw him off balance.

“I couldn’t sleep last night. Have you ever experienced something like that?”

She examined him for a second too long before breaking into soft laughter which spread across the parlour. “Child, I couldn’t sleep a wink when I was pregnant with you.”

Kai’s mouth curled into the shape of an o. He didn’t know how to respond to that. Should he have felt sorry that his presence in her womb made her unable to sleep? But he was only a baby. He didn’t even know much about pregnant women, even just regular women.

Guess he’d know only when he’d get married.

“But seeing as you are a man I think it’s because of working out too late. Stay in today, I’ll have Beomgyu do the barn work.”

“Beomgyu? Ma, absolutely not. Not him. I’ll do it.” Kai protested, serious about what he meant.

Beomgyu would ruin all his hard work, he was sure of it. And if he stayed inside all day long, he would just worry about the harvest over and over. It was best for him to shove around and later feel the hellish ache of his muscles instead of having to put his mind at a difficult place.

He wasn’t good at thinking.

“As you wish.”

Kai straightened up from the bench, ready to head out for the day.

“But,” She continued, wiping her brow with a handkerchief, “I don’t understand why you dislike Beomgyu. He’s a good and respectable boy, and he’s your cousin. You should be nicer. He’s your family.”

Oh, if she knew what he thought about him truly, she’d take back those words and be petrified. Beomgyu was family. There were many things Kai felt about this and about him. They were related by blood and yet he had these wrong, selfish urges towards the other. All the looks the other gave him also didn’t help.

If it was revealed to her that last week during dinner, Beomgyu had pressed his foot to his crotch, she’d faint on the spot. All the life from her skin would go.

A good boy? No, Beomgyu was the devil.
Kai didn’t want to give in to the worst of him. He didn’t want to be labelled a sinner in front of the Lord’s eyes. Anything he did was known to Him, but perhaps the worse part was that he was aware of the weight of his actions too. All actions had consequences. If he gave in and gave Beomgyu what he wanted, he’d stoop low.

There would be no difference between him and a corpse.

Yet, when Beomgyu was out of the house to visit a friend, Kai found himself entering his room. This room was right down the other end of the hallway and had been empty before Beomgyu moved in.

He didn’t think twice before he closed the door behind him and took his surroundings in. He didn’t remember all his prayers when he spotted a mess of clothes on the single bed and bent to pick them up.

That night,

The dreams didn’t haunt him.

Hunched over his bed, he fisted his cock into Beomgyu’s woollen sock. The texture pricked at his foreskin and there were tears in his eyes, but the fire in his belly and his fast beating heart made this all so much more exciting. He had jerked off multiple times before in secret, when he was frustrated or just hard, but fucking his own cousin’s article was another level of degeneracy.

His soft whines were drowned by the thick pillow smushed against his face. When he finally spilled into the material and squeezed the ruined sock in his hands, his face was warm and wet with the tears sliding down his cheeks.

No– this couldn’t be.

He wasn’t a sinner. He had just made the first step.

This was no violation. It was just a sock. He could pick any other cloth to fuck into.

It didn’t matter. It was something all boys did. He’d heard it years ago, before he quit going to school.

That night; reality– in front of him– was scarier than any dream he’d ever had.

For the next few days, he avoided being in the house.

From the break of dawn to when the sky was ink-filled, he’d stay in the barn or cut wood in the back. If that was enough, then he’d go to the lake and sit at the edge with his legs in the cold water until it felt like it had begun to cut.

A man like him was responsible for his own actions. Having feelings like these– they were bad. They were cruel, torturing him in every second of his awake. Sometimes when he’d return home and Beomgyu’s laughter would ring through the parlour, he’d be reminded of the vile act he had committed a few nights prior.

It was a surprise he hadn’t cried out his heart yet. Out of shame, out of… whatever he felt– had felt– for him.

Then, one cold evening when he was doing nothing by the lake, he came to a conclusion.

It wasn’t his fault. Beomgyu was at fault for enticing him. For entering his dreams and making him see things of a darker, much daring world. For dangling a shiny red fruit in front of him.

For looking like a girl.

To his relief when he trudged back home, there was no one in the parlour. He grabbed an apple from the table and ate it to his heart’s liking, finding this new found sense a nice thing. It was the lightest he had felt in days. Of course, why hadn’t he thought of it before? There were always ways to shift blame onto other people. Mostly, they deserved it.

And yet, despite convincing himself that it was fine now, he still couldn’t bring himself to meet Beomgyu’s eyes or tolerate his taunts.

The next few days also passed; with occasional, unwelcomed stares from his mother but no uncomfortable questions. Kai didn’t like this. He found the silence far more unnerving. It would’ve been better if Mother asked him something.

Obviously, he wouldn’t initiate it. Despite all his wishes, he never ended up prompting his mother to ask him about Beomgyu.

When the sun had set and all the candles in the house had been blown off, the table had been cleared and it was time to head to rest, Kai couldn’t find himself being quite comfortable on his bed.

It was a weird occurrence, but he figured it had to be because of his sudden change in sleep.

Silhouettes of the trees moved against the window like they were dancing and there was no moon that night. Kai twisted and tossed like an earthworm trying to move around in the earth’s soil. His room was comfortably cool and his sheets were warm, it was the perfect weather to fall asleep in.

Then why, he wondered with frustration, why couldn’t he fall asleep?

After what felt like an eternity of him staring at the dark trees until they had become a blurred figure, he rose up from his bed. Perhaps some water and leftover apple pie could sort out his insomnia.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, what he saw left him standing frozen in place.

Someone was perched at the table, a candle lit in front of them. From where Kai stood, he could only see their back, covered in translucent white fabric. It was a dress, he realised, as it flowed almost like water.

Kai took a careful step closer, now spotting strands of golden brown hair, lit by the candle’s flame.

When he blinked, the head turned around.

“Beomgyu.” Kai took his name, surprised by what he was viewing.

Beomgyu set the candle carefully on the table and turned until his body faced Kai. Then, he cocked his head to the side and gave a sweet smile of intrigue.

“Can’t sleep?”

Kai heard the question. He nodded. It didn’t help how his mouth was agape and his eyes were wide, comically. He shook his head after, waving his hands infront of him. “I– what are you wearing? You can’t–”

But Beomgyu’s stupid smile remained.

“Is it wrong?”

Kai paused to think for a moment, mouth still open. He nodded once more.

Beomgyu sighed, then crossed his legs and folded his hands over his lap.

Kai realised then that whatever Beomgyu wore wasn’t appropriate. It wasn’t appropriate from the start… donning a woman’s apparel. The matter only worsened because the cloth was sheer and God, were his nipples poking through?

Not to mention his thighs on display, smooth and almost hairless. Kai wanted to grab him by the shoulders and yell at him, ‘What is wrong with you? How can you do this!?’ He also wanted to flee the house and never return, and maybe even drown himself in the lake for thinking such disgusting things about the other.

How would his skin taste?

No–

He did none of that.
“C’mere,” Beomgyu motioned. Kai swallowed and obeyed without a word, stepping closer until he could feel the warmth of the bright yellow flame.

“How do I look? Be honest.”

Kai really didn’t know how to answer that. Be honest. What did that even mean anymore? What did honesty mean anymore? Being true to yourself, or keeping yourself hidden away just so the masses were pleased?

On the one hand… he wanted to tell Beomgyu he looked ridiculous. Like a girl. And for a boy—no, for a man, looking like a girl was definitely an insult. Who’d want to be a girl?

On the other though… if he was truly honest… it suited him. Yes, it was confusing to him and there was a surge of weird feelings again. He looked pretty with his long hair and long legs, and his pretty torso and the thin, flimsy cloth over it.

Something like a piece of art. Like something for the French folk.

“I don’t know.” Kai whispered.

“Not beautiful? Handsome?” Beomgyu pouted. He set his hands on the table and spread his legs a little, until the cloth settled between his thighs.

Kai’s eyes landed there.

He wanted to see.

“Uhm,” he bit his lip and looked up again, finding Beomgyu’s eyes. His own eyes seemed to widen further, like he was caught in a trap. “Uhm,” he fixed his gaze on the boy’s chest, mindlessly staring. “Pretty. You are…. bea–beautiful, yes.”

“You’ve been avoiding me.”

A gasp left Kai’s mouth. He struggled to form a sentence. What was he to even say?

“No. M’not.” He denied.

Liars were bad. Liars were awful.

“I don’t blame you…” Beomgyu whispered, pressing a hand on his shoulder and pulling him only closer. “You must’ve wondered why I suddenly came here. The truth is –and even aunt Jules doesn’t know– they kicked me out because I’m broken.”

Kai looked up once more. Beomgyu’s eyes were filled with a dull sadness as he said it.

His smile, though, stayed ever present.

Kai’s eyebrows furrowed. He didn’t know what he was supposed to say. But it made Beomgyu sad, and he found that Beomgyu’s sadness made him feel sad too.

“But you’re not.”

Beomgyu’s smile faltered, “You don’t get it.”

Kai pursed his lips.

“I am sorry for avoiding you. Please forgive me, my sweet brother.”

The candle flickered next to them and their eyes fell upon it, alert. Beomgyu pulled him in for a hug and then extinguished the flame with a blow.

He hopped off the table and turned to Kai in the darkness, even though the other couldn’t easily see him.

“It was a mistake,” Kai continued. “I didn’t realise it had… well… I’m… you know.”

“Apology accepted.” Beomgyu gripped the other’s hand. “You never answered my question, however.”

“Hmm?” Kai tried to recall. When he did, he squeezed the other’s palm right back.

The other only smiled at him, it not quite reaching his eyes.

.

That night he slept peacefully.

With an arm wrapped around Beomgyu and his thick blanket over them, they slept huddled together. It was nice and warm and there were no bad dreams or unnecessary sweating.

Beomgyu was… surprising. Kai had not expected the other to be so sweet to him, especially when he had been so outwardly mean and cold before. He felt guilty.

When he woke up, it was not because of disturbed sleep due to nightmares. It was because he could feel the warmth of the sun on him and when he tried to move, there was a weight on his body.

“Good morning.” Beomgyu mumbled above him.

Kai blinked his eyes open to find the other wrapped around his body, staring down at him with happiness.

“Did you sleep well?”

Kai nodded, dumbly.

Beomgyu tilted his head to the side and sat up. That's when Kai realised the boy was on his lap and still had his… weird clothes on.

But with this angle, with the sun shining from behind him and giving him a beautiful halo, and his hair loose against his shoulders– he truly looked beautiful.

The words left his lips before he could stop himself.

“You look like an angel.”

Deep red spread on Beomgyu's cheeks and to his neck. He looked like a tomato. He acknowledged the compliment with a shy nod and coy smile.

“You woke up happy.” Beomgyu said, breaking the silence.

Kai raised an eyebrow in question. What did he mean? He woke up completely normal, better than before, but absolutely normal. He wasn't a happy, grinning fool like the other.

Upon his obvious confusion, Beomgyu braced himself with his hands on Kai's chest and moved just slightly, until his ass was on his crotch.

Kai realised two things:

One, this was an incredibly inappropriate position for two brothers to be in. Two, his dick was fucking hard.

He couldn't find the will in himself to stop though. Not anymore. Not after those endless days of repeated prayer, agony and sickness.

If God had sent Beomgyu into his life, then he must've wanted this to happen. The boy looked and talked like an angel, though really, he was only a demon sent from hell.

To test his faith. Wasn't that just it? Yes, there was nothing more. Nothing less. It was only a challenge of sorts; a test to see whether he could be good.

And he had been good. He had been the best. He had stayed away from home for days and dipped his legs into ice cold water until they were all numb and blue. To build his endurance.

Despite all that– this was happening.

“I– I–”

Before he could say more, his words were swallowed by a chaste kiss from Beomgyu. The boy licked into his mouth and no matter how much Kai tried to pull away from it, wriggling underneath him, it only seemed to backfire.

The fire in his stomach and the tightening of his belly said something else. His heart and mind were at polar ends.

Let yourself fall.

Let go.

It was like his body wasn't his own. He kissed back Beomgyu passionately, even bringing his hands to the other's skull to grab his hair and pull him into a just rhythm.

The metal clanged across the fields, church bells sounding through– resembling the lightning during a storm. Kai swore he could hear them, but he wasn't sure if it was part of his hazy fever dream, or if any of this was real.

Beomgyu pulled away from him, their lips connected together with a string of spit.

For the first time in a while, Kai didn't feel so awful.

“You feel it too?” Beomgyu undid his pants and pulled out his cock, hard and heavy in his hands. Kai propped himself up on his elbows and nodded, unsure what to say.

The site was hot.

“I think we were made for each other,” Beomgyu murmured against the tip of his cock, with the same idiotic smile plastered on his lips. Kai suddenly had the urge to punch it off. But at the same time, he wanted to push his cock into the hole and erase the smile.

Give him something else to worry about.

Though, he doubted Beomgyu worried about anything at all.

“You and I. I get you– you get me.”

Saying those words and then engulfing the length in his mouth was absolutely absurd to Kai.

He groaned once his tip had hit the back of Beomgyu’s throat.

Did they really get each other though?

Kai was nothing like him. He didn't dress up in weird clothes or act in a flamboyant way. He didn't wear his hair long and often, in a feminine manner. He didn't speak with softness, and he was anything but sweet.

There were tears in Beomgyu’s eyes. They shone like the stars.

Beomgyu popped off him and focused on the tip instead, causing Kai to tilt his hips upwards. There was so much to think about. So much he was already feeling.

He didn't hate the pleasure Beomgyu produced.

He just hated himself for liking it.

“Why are you doin’ this?” Kai asked, losing all his senses as he gripped Beomgyu's hair with a hand. “‘S wrong.”

“Oh, darling,” Beomgyu used his hand to stroke his cock, giving gentle, smooth tugs to make him go insane. “You could’ve pushed me off.”

Kai’s eyes widened.

Beomgyu’s smile turned into a cocky smirk.

“So you wanted it too.”

“...”

“If it feels right then… what's the problem?” The grip felt smooth and wet. Kai was so close to his release, he was sure because of the sudden pressure in his abdomen muscles.

He had no answer.

“You want me. I want you. I can keep quiet and pretend to be your wife too, you know. Whatever you want. I'd do it. We could get married too~”

Beomgyu was a demon

Disguised as a pretty angel.

Those watery eyes, had always been, and always would be filled with sinful tears. Aching to spill and taint what was pure.

What was good.

What was good?

And now, Kai was ruined as he came into Beomgyu's palm. He sniffled, his fingers falling loose from Beomgyu’s scalp and laying by his side, immobile.

His heart clenched uncomfortably in his chest.

He had been smothered with ink. His cock was filthy now. His lips too, tainted with the uncleanliness that Beomgyu brought.

Above him, Beomgyu laughed like nothing mattered. Kai felt a dull ache to be like him. Carefree and childish. He squeezed his eyes shut until there was a sharp tension between his eyebrows and until the mattress was relieved.

He did not remember how long it took for him to open his eyes.

But seeing Beomgyu out on the field, a tiny dot between the many rows of barley, through the curtains from his spotty window made a thought pass through his mind. Beomgyu was just a person, just another speck of sand on the beach. A faint shadow of a smile appeared on his lips as he remembered the time when his father had taken him there.

It didn’t matter how much he found it disgusting. It was bound to happen to him again. Maybe he should take control. Maybe he should pin the other down and press a hand on his stomach, pull his thighs open to see just what was inside of him. The point was that he wanted to have control. He wanted to harm Beomgyu before the other could darken him any further.

But it would have to wait.

Kai wasn’t big enough yet. Wasn’t ripe enough yet. He could think about these things but each night the same thing would repeat. And each night, Kai would try to pry Beomgyu’s hands away from the bulge in his pants. But Beomgyu’s eyes were the greatest weapons, perhaps even worse than being held at gun point. At least, death was direct when a bullet was shot to the chest.

Here, in his bed he decayed slowly. First his insides. He could feel it. Beomgyu had left a hole in him that grew bigger and bigger. Until all he could do was enjoy the feeling of Beomgyu’s soft mouth on his cock and on his lips.

And he really thought it would not get any worse.

And Lord, he did enjoy it.

One night, when the moon was bright and the air felt colder and Beomgyu was in his bed again was when it happened. Instead of his mouth on his cock, there was something much tighter. Warmer. Enveloping him like a tight hug, compressing him–even going so far as to push down his thoughts to the back of his head. He fought tears as he opened his eyes to the view of Beomgyu on top of him, and his cock disappeared between the other’s thighs. Oh what blasphemy.

What was he? What was Beomgyu?

A boy? A girl? What he felt were definitely not boy parts. Is this what he had meant when he said he was broken?

“Beomgyu–” Kai managed to whisper instead of moan, not wanting to add to the shame of his misery. He couldn’t say anything else though. He just wanted to get his attention. He reached his hand forward and raised the cloth up, wanting to see what was underneath. He winced in pain as Beomgyu slapped his hand away and hastily covered himself, hiding himself from Kai.

Kai had no words. He had no words from the beginning. He quietly endured it and instead rested his hands on Beomgyu’s hips, guiding him up and down. He moaned around his fist when he came inside the other.