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The space beyond the warmth of Thjazi's bed was dark and cold. Hal shivered at the touch of his bare feet against the floorboards, the cool air against the sweat that clung to his body.
"Please." A hoarse whisper. "Stay."
Hal tried not to turn around. Not because he did not want to see his brother's face, but because he knew if he did, he would not have the strength to leave. He had to. Thjazi didn't deserve any of this.
A warm hand brushed Hal's arm. "Please, Hal."
Hal was weak, had always been in matters related to his brother. His weakness was exactly how this had begun. He turned.
Thjazi was still buried beneath the blankets, his dark eyes wide in the semi-darkness. His hair was mussed. Hal ached with a pain like he had never felt in his life.
Thjazi's fingers lowered to the edge of the bandage around Hal's thigh, and Hal's eyes followed the movement, seeing a faint red stain beneath the fabric. "You're bleeding again."
"I'll be fine," Hal told him. "It's just a scratch."
His brother's fingers left a trail of goosebumps as they traced over Hal's skin. "You should stay, so I can keep an eye on you."
Hal had not been able to deny him when Thjazi had offered to clean and bandage the cut on his leg, sustained after an especially foolish decision to mess around with real swords that Hal never should have agreed to. Better him than Thjazi, though. He had not been able to deny Thjazi when his hands had begun smoothing up Hal's thighs, too far from the bandage to be clinical, those brown eyes peering searchingly up at Hal. He had not been able to deny him when he had begged to take care of his big brother for once. And Hal knew he would not be able to deny him now.
Hal pulled the blankets aside and slipped back under them. The joy that lit Thjazi's face only dug the knife in Hal's gut deeper. He was sick with himself, with what he had done to his little brother, what he had allowed to happen, and most of all how much he had enjoyed it, how loved he had felt under Thjazi's nervous hands.
Thjazi settled against Hal's side, his warmth chasing away the chill that had sunk beneath Hal's skin. Hal stroked a hand through Thjazi's hair. His brother had asked him to stay. There had never really been any other choice but to stay.
***
"Do you love her?"
Thjazi's tone was detached, but Hal knew his brother well enough to know exactly how he was feeling. It would be crueller to lie, Hal thought. "Yes."
Their gazes fell together on Thaisha, who waited at the counter of the little cafe where Hal had brought his brother to meet the woman he hoped would someday become his wife. She was confident, and kind, and loved the beauty of world as much as Hal did, and the fact that the sex was incredible didn't hurt. As Hal watched, she turned, meeting his gaze, and broke into a grin. Hal's heart fluttered in his chest. He had always been someone, for better or worse, with more love to give than he knew what to do with. And Thaisha was so easy to love.
It was better this way. It was Hal's job to protect his younger brother, and instead he'd been allowing this thing between them to continue, even though he knew it was wrong, knew it would only hurt Thjazi in the end. Thaisha was another chance, a way for Hal to give his love to someone it wouldn't hurt.
"As long as you're happy," Thjazi said. He had grown into himself this past year, but he was still a kid, in truth, and Hal was meant to be an adult now. He needed to make the right decision for once.
Hal didn't look at his brother. He was afraid that if he did, Thjazi's expression would plead for him to stay, and Hal wouldn't be able to say no.
***
It would have been easier, Hal often thought, if he blamed Thaisha for leaving. But how could he, when he loved her so much that he could not help but want what she wanted, even if that took her away from him?
He had promised himself he would not end up back at his brother's place, on a night when he was lonely and couldn't trust himself to deny what Thjazi might ask of him. But Hal had always been weak when it came to his brother.
So much had changed over the past years - both of them hardened by battle, Thjazi's name now spoken in the halls of the Sundered Houses, far from the gangly teenager whose body had become so familiar to Hal - and yet when Thjazi wrapped him in his arms, everything was the same. And when Thjazi asked him to stay, Hal stayed.
Thjazi's hands were gentle, despite the callouses that now roughened them. They slid beneath Hal's shirt, ghosting down his chest, his sides, across the pudge of his stomach that certainly hadn't been there the last time, almost reverant. Hal shivered under his touch. With Thaisha, he had always felt loved. With Thjazi, he felt worshipped.
"Thjazi," Hal breathed.
Thjazi tugged him closer and kissed him. He was far more confident than Hal remembered, easily taking the lead, and Hal found himself swept away into the kiss, opening his mouth for Thjazi's tongue. The kisses they had shared as teenagers had been cautious, exploring. This one was possessive.
Thjazi broke away to trail kisses along Hal's jaw, the scrape of his tusks a delightful sensation over Hal's skin. "Let me take care of you," he whispered, just like he had all those years ago. "Please."
Hal never should have come here. He had shoved this into the recesses of his past, found someone he didn't hate himself for loving, started a family. But now, with Thjazi's hands on him, he knew he wouldn't be able to pull himself away.
They tumbled into bed, and a shiver of anticipation snaked down Hal's spine as Thjazi straddled him. Hal should not have enjoyed the sight of his younger brother taking charge as much as he did. He could already feel himself hardening, the part of him that was sick over what he was doing to his brother being replaced by burning need.
Thjazi shucked off his shirt to reveal a torso toned by fighting and smattered with new scars. Hal skated his fingers over the pale lines, hating that anyone had ever hurt Thjazi, even though he knew Thjazi was no longer a kid who shouldn't be playing with swords. He had killed people, had been nearly been killed himself once or twice. That was something Hal tried very hard not to think about.
Thjazi ground down against Hal, and he felt his brother's hardness against his thigh.
"Do you see what you do to me?" Thjazi breathed. He smoothed a hand down Hal's stomach, pausing at his belt. "Can I fuck you tonight?"
Hal's breath caught. That was not something they had ever done before, their teenage encounters relegated to fumbling about in the dark, but the thought speared a jolt of arousal through Hal's gut.
"Yes," Hal said, in a rush.
Thjazi divested Hal of his clothes with a gentleness that made Hal's chest ache. When he slid Hal's trousers down, he pressed featherlight kisses to Hal's thighs, carefully avoiding Hal's slowly stiffening cock.
"You're so beautiful," Thjazi said, against his skin. "I'm going to make you feel so good."
"I want-" Hal had to remember to breathe. "I want it to be good for you, too."
Thjazi smiled. "It will be."
Thjazi finished tugging Hal's trousers off and folded them before setting them aside. Overcome with foolish fondness, Hal grabbed him, and Thjazi yelped as he was yanked down on top of Hal, his weight, far more than Hal remembered, almost knocking the breath from Hal's lungs. Hal wheezed and ruffled his brother's hair. Thjazi propped himself on his elbows and kissed Hal again, more slowly this time, grinding slowly down against Hal through the fabric of his own pants. Hal tugged at Thjazi's belt, wanting the clothes between them gone, suddenly desperate for the feeling of Thjazi's cock inside him.
"Please," Hal whispered, and in the darkness of the room around them, the warm space between their bodies, it felt like some kind of promise.
Thjazi prepared Hal with as much gentleness as he had done everything else, and the feeling of his slick fingers pressing inside Hal already had him gasping and squirming.
"That's it," Thjazi murmured. His fingers found Hal's prostate, and Hal moaned. Every one of Thjazi's touches felt magnified a hundred times over. Hal shouldn't have wanted more, and yet he needed it.
Thjazi slicked himself with languid strokes, and Hal was mesmerized by the sight of his brother's fingers moving over his cock. He was larger than Hal, in more ways than one, his body toned where Hal's had softened over the past years, but absent was any insecurity Hal might have feared he would feel.
Thjazi pressed in slowly, laying himself over Hal so he could press kisses to Hal's lips and cheeks and throat. "Fuck, you feel so good." Hal bit his lip, trying to hold back another moan, but Thjazi scraped a tusk teasingly along his ear. "None of that. I want to hear you."
He fucked Hal slowly, as if he were luxuriating in it, and the pleasure coiled tighter and tighter inside Hal until his mind was hazy with it. "Please," he groaned. "Harder."
Thjazi obliged him. Each thrust sent sparks up pleasure up Hal's spine, and Hal could not have held back the noises he was making even if he wanted to. He allowed Thjazi to capture them with his mouth, allowed himself to be devoured. His cock was throbbing where it was pinned between them, drooling against Hal's stomach. He groaned when Thjazi finally gripped it, stroking it in time with his thrusts, and Hal knew he wouldn't be able to last much longer.
Hal buried his face in his brother's neck, mindless with pleasure. "Don't stop, please, I'm so close, it feels so good."
His orgasm crashed over him like a wave, shuddering through his entire body, and he felt Thjazi follow not long after, gasping Hal's name as he came. Hal pulled his brother against him, and they lay like that for a time, half-dozing in the afterglow of pleasure. Hal knew his guilt would creep back in, the knowledge of how wrong this was, but for now he felt warm, and safe, and loved.
And when Thjazi asked him to stay, he stayed.
***
"Do you love her?"
It did not escape Hal's notice that it was the same question Thjazi had asked him years ago, of Thaisha. He only hoped his brother would answer him with the same truthfulness.
Still, it hurt. "I think she might be the love of my life."
It was a balmy summer night in Dol-Makjar. Crickets chirped in the grass next to the stone bench where Hal and Thjazi sat, enough distance away from the evening puppet show being performed for a gaggle of squealing children, Alogar and Shadia among them, that they could speak freely. Light glowed at the other end of the park, but here they were in darkness. Laughter drifted on the wind towards them.
"I'm glad," Hal said, placing a hand on his brother's shoulder. "You deserve it."
Thjazi's face was cast in shadow, twisting his expression into something akin to a mournful theatre mask. "I really love her, Hal. It scares me."
Aranessa Royce was a powerful woman, and a kind one, from what Hal could ascertain. He felt, in some ways, as if he were losing his brother to a different world, having him torn from his grasp into the confusing machinations of nobility. He tried for a lighthearted smile. "Just don't forget about all us little folk, eh?"
Thjazi's expression remained serious. He lifted a hand and placed it over Hal's, on his shoulder. "Never. You know I love you."
"I know," Hal said. It was exactly what had caused them so much pain. Hal had promised himself it would be left in the past, once, but as always he had been powerless to deny his brother. This time would be different. Thjazi had found someone better to love, someone who could give him everything Hal never could.
A desperate part of Hal wanted to ask Thjazi to stay, but that wouldn't be fair to him. If there was anything Hal had learned, it was that sometimes the most loving thing you could do was to let someone go.
***
Hal had not often asked his brother to stay, but this night, he was begging for it.
He knew, though, from the pain on his brother's face, that Thjazi had already made up his mind. "I think I'm going to throw my life away, and I'd just feel less scared if you were with me."
Hal had stayed so many times. He had never been able to deny his brother, but even now, as with every time before, Hal had no choice but to stay.
The world beyond the warmth of Hal's home was dark and cold. Hal wanted nothing more than to draw his brother back into the warmth, as Thjazi had once done to him, but it was Hal who had never had the strength to leave. He only wished that it didn't feel as if he were letting go for the last time.