Work Text:
February 23, 2026
Harris woke up to a pounding headache and a stabbing pain behind his eyes as sunlight streamed into his & Troy’s bedroom. His mouth was dry and he felt like death. Woof, last night had been rough. Two days ago the Centaurs had watched the women’s Team Canada lose a tight match against Team USA. Then yesterday after men’s Team Canada suffered an unfortunate loss to Team USA in the gold medal match in sudden death 3v3 overtime, the Ottawa Centaurs who weren’t playing at the Milan games had taken it upon themselves to get completely hammered. Honestly, most of the day was a blur of shots, karaoke, and a whole lotta shit talking. Losing any hockey game to Team USA stunk; losing in 2026 with the political shitshow ongoing was a suckerpunch, or in this case a double suckerpunch.
Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov were there to represent Team Canada and had played their asses off. Luca Haas had also been there to represent Switzerland and had done so admirably. At the end of the day, the match came down to insane goaltending and some questionable referee calls.
Harris rolled out of bed, already opening his notifications to check the Centaurs’ social media accounts like usual as he stumbled to the kitchen for a glass of water and some ibuprofen. He swallowed the brown tablets and leaned against the counter drinking down the full glass. Caffeine, he was definitely going to need caffeine. He puttered around the kitchen preparing the coffee pot and pulled up the current Twitter trends. He groaned inwardly as he read the #1 trending topic, “USA Men’s hockey goes viral for locker room video.” What the actual fuck had those numbnuts done this time?
Harris was not naive in any way about how toxic hockey culture could be. He moderated the team’s social media accounts & knew exactly how nasty the fans alone could be. He thanked his lucky stars every day to be in Ottawa where everything was certainly not perfect, but was a hell of a lot better than most MHL teams. He and Troy were no small part of that positive culture, but so were Ilya, Shane, Luca, and Coach Wiebe as well.
He pulled up the videos that had been reposted thousands of times. The first was extremely odd. A middle aged man who he did not recognize appeared to be in the locker room with the men’s team, chugging beer and prancing around like an overgrown frat bro. Harris pulled up the comments to try to sort out what was going on. The top comment said, “Dude, it’s never been cool to party with the feds.” As he scrolled, he read more. “What the fuck is the director of the FBI doing partying with the hockey team?” “Clearly this guy’s never been invited to a party before, barf.” And Harris’s personal favorite, “Good ol’ mortgage rate eyes, one fixed and one variable.” It was fucking weird. As he did a little digging, it appeared that the team’s general manager had been the one to invite him into the locker room. Which again, was SUPER WEIRD.
Harris scrolled over to the next video. In a blurry, shaky clip it appeared that someone had the President of the United States on speakerphone. Harris unfortunately recognized his voice, although he sincerely wished he did not. As he listened to the call his jaw dropped.
“By the way your goalie played not bad. I have seen hockey goalies have slightly worse games. Unbelievable. And you were all unbelievable, and that team is pretty good you played. I don’t know if we can get any time soon, right? And you know I tell you what I just told my people two minutes ago — I didn’t know they’d be calling. I said we’re giving the State of the Union speech on Tuesday night. I can send a military plane or something, but if you would like to, it’s the most — it’s the coolest night. It’s the big.
“We’ll get the military to get you guys over. Okay, let’s go. Boys are going to the State of the Union. The nice thing about being president is I can tell you, you don’t have to worry about the weather or landing. We don’t care if it’s snowing or the worst blizzard.
What would really be cool is we will do the White House the next day, and we have medals for you. I must tell you we’re going to have to bring the women too — you do know that. Believe me, I probably would be impeached, okay?”
As if that was not bad enough, the entire locker room full of players laughed raucously. Harris again scrolled through the comments and was unsurprised at the all out war that was occurring. There were a predictably large number of comments along the lines of “USA baby!” There were the unfortunate sorts of comments along the lines of, “51st state!” Harris swore that if he never heard that line again as long as he lived, he’d die a happy man. Then there were thousands upon thousands of outraged comments from women. There was a collective and understandable outcry against the misogyny. It would be bad enough any day, but making the comments about the gold medal winning women’s Team USA? Were these people out of their minds?
Harris continued to scroll, looking for Team USA’s media response. He was shocked to find none. Players? Radio silence. He refreshed again. Absolutely zero response. Did they…..not realize the gigantic mess they had created? The gears in his head started turning as he poured his first cup of coffee. He pulled up his Notes app and started jotting down a list of content ideas. Team USA might have shit the bed, but the Ottawa Centaurs certainly weren’t going to follow suit.
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Centaurs Team Chat
Barrett: Hey guys, just wanted to say again that you played your hearts out. We’re so proud of you. Hope you get to enjoy Italy a little before you have to fly home.
Dykstra: Get shit-faced and eat some gelato!
Hollander: Thanks guys. It was a rough game and a tough night. We’re meeting up with Luca later today for dinner, then we head back tomorrow.
Rozanov: Those stupid fuckers. Just wait until I see those Chucklefuck brothers back on the ice this season. They’re going to wish they’d never been born.
Bood: Here, here!
Barrett: Not to make your day any worse, but Harris wants to know if you guys have seen Twitter today? There are some videos from Team USA’s locker room making the rounds. He wants to know if you guys hear any chatter so he can plan his content.
Hollander: No, have not seen it. But we will watch and text him if we hear anything.
Rozanov: You have got to be fucking kidding me.
Hayes: Oh don’t worry, Lisa’s already seen the video. I haven’t seen her this mad since she saw the election results. I saw literal steam shooting out of her ears. Understandably so! How big of idiots do you have to be?
Haas: Um, what video? It’s not a sex thing is it?
Hayes: *link attached*
—----------
Shane wandered around their room at the Olympic Village, neatly packing things into his suitcase as his phone vibrated nonstop with notifications. Ilya was flopped on their beds scrolling and muttering in Russian.
“Shane, we have to do something. This is ridiculous. Can you believe these American boys making jokes with their president about their women’s team who won a gold medal? The women’s team had much better stats. Many better players.”
“Ilya, we leave tomorrow. What are two Canadian men going to do about some idiot Americans?”
“I will think of something,” Ilya muttered as he began unceremoniously cramming clothes both clean and dirty into his suitcase. Shane just rolled his eyes and went back to folding.
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Rozanov: Harris, we have seen stupid fucking video. We are going to fix. I will send you videos tonight so you can make posts.
Harris: Exactly how worried should I be, Ilya?
Hollander: Actually he’s had a good idea for once. I think you’ll like it.
Harris: Okay, well send me what you have and I’ll use what I can. In the meantime, do either of you have photos from the team family day at the Ottawa Charge game? I’d like to share it on the team socials if possible.
Hollander: I’ve got some. *attached photo of entire team, WAGs, and kids in Ottawa Charge jerseys inside the home arena*
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@OttawaCentaurs
Ottawa Centaurs love women’s sports!
*attached photo of entire team, WAGs, and kids in Ottawa Charge jerseys inside the home arena*
10k likes. 1.2k reposts. 3k comments
Reposted by @wyatthayesgoalie, @lucahaas, @shanehollanderhockey, @rozanov81, @hdrover, @troybarrettofficial, @edykstra, @boodthemood, etc.
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Rozanov: Luca, change of plans. We have job to do tonight. Put Team Switzerland shirt on and meet us in lobby in 20 minutes.
Haas: …..ok?
Hollander: Just humor us, ok?
_________
That is exactly how Luca Haas, Shane Hollander, and Ilya Rozanov came to spend their last night in Milan wandering around the Olympic village seeking out every woman athlete they could find. Luca became their cameraman, dutifully holding up Rozanov’s phone and recording as Shane and Ilya took turns interviewing them. Ilya was ever the charmer, full of winks, jokes, and teasing. Meanwhile Shane’s steel trap brain asked the athletes about their stats, their highlights, and technical details of their sports. Every single interview ended with all of them shouting, “WE LOVE WOMEN’S SPORTS!”
—-----------
Shane checked his phone again as they wrapped up another brief interview.
“Okay, Marie says the women’s team is at Blues Canal celebrating. Text our group chat and tell all the guys to meet us there. Gillian texted her wife to see if team USA can meet us there.”
Ilya was already texting furiously.
“Our team will come or they will be very sorry.” His mouth was set in a determined line. These stupid American boys were going to be very sorry indeed. Luca waved as he headed out to celebrate with the other Swiss athletes, promising to text when he was safely home.
Shane & Ilya began the walk toward the unofficial sports bar hub for Canadians. As they pressed their way inside and headed toward the back where the women’s hockey team was sitting a cheer went up. The remaining members of the Canadian men’s hockey team trickled in over the next hour and celebrations became more and more boisterous. What might have been a depressing evening over losing gold medals turned into a gigantic party to laugh in the faces of the USA men’s team.
Team USA’s women’s team showed up together, already tipsy and red-faced. While normally there might have been some animosity between the teams, it seemed like the Canadians overall had decided to let bygones be bygones. When Ilya suggested a drinking game, shots were passed around. Shane kept the recording going as athletes took turns naming women’s gold medalists. No repeats were allowed, and misses meant you took a shot. As expected, the women did better than the men, but surprisingly the men held their own decently well. Once Ilya dropped out, Shane passed the phone over and joined. His encyclopedic knowledge of hockey and stats meant he took zero shots. As the game wore on, his face became more and more serious. He was going to make Yuna Hollander proud, god dammit. Eventually, the game ended in a draw. Ilya was pretty sure Shane had named every women’s hockey player for at least the last 30 years. He sighed drunkenly, thinking about the kind of dad Shane would be some day.
_____
Harris couldn’t believe the amount of video Ilya and Shane had compiled in just a few hours. He set to work making video compilations, writing captions, and scheduling posts. He was in the zone, doing what he did best, which meant he didn’t notice the initial alerts pop up. He had notifications on for Ilya’s social media. Ilya had a reputation for going pretty far off the rails, and the alerts helped Harris catch things early. As he took a break for lunch he opened his phone to see all of the alerts he’d missed.
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@welcometothepartyshow posted a reel
Reposted by @rozanov81
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVNWuaAgs7U/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ==
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@whatchaosshow posted a reel
Reposted by @rozanov81
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVHi8qZEQbs/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ==
__________
@meggan777 posted a video
Reposted by @rozanov81
https://www.tiktok.com/@meggan777/video/7611283808674942239?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc&web_id=7615275126196749855
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@rozanov81 new Instagram post
Honored to play in the Olympics for Team Canada with my husband @shanehollanderhockeyplayer. We played hard and met some amazing athletes.
Photo carousel:
-Ilya and Shane in Team Canada jerseys before gold medal match
-Team Canada men’s team with their silver medals
-series of photos featuring Canadian women athletes
__________
@rozanov81 new Instagram post
First husbands of hockey with first wives of hockey!
Photo: Shane & Ilya posed with Gillian and Meghan, all in their Olympics jerseys
__________
@rozanov81 tweeted:
Деды, придите, врага накажите
__________
Harris groaned. Most of it was not too bad. Summoning the ghosts of his ancestors to haunt his enemies was probably crossing the line. Hopefully no one else translated the Russian, but Harris doubted he would get that lucky. Instead of worrying about Ilya’s trolling he decided to upload his first promo video.
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@OttawaCentaurs
Our very own Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander did some on the ground interviews of amazing Olympic athletes. Here are some highlights:
*reel shows Ilya Rozanov interviewing various women athletes asking about their childhood dreams interspersed with Shane Hollander rehashing phenomenal sports history moments of other women*
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@OttawaCentaurs
Our Olympic medalists know how to celebrate!
*reel shows Shane Hollander in a face off with Team Canada’s women’s hockey captain over a bar table. They appear to be reciting every Canadian women’s hockey medal winner in reverse date order. Neither are hesitating as they rattle off player after player all the way back to 1998. The whole crowd cheers while Shane & Marie both slam a shot and high five.*
__________
@rozanov81 tweeted:
Берегись, призрак-парень
______________
It was the Centaurs’ first game back after the Olympics break. Thankfully it was a home game as jetlag was a bitch. They were playing the Minnesota Nomads who were decent competitors this season, especially with their recent trade of an American defenseman from the Vancouver team. Ilya hated to admit it but he was a great skater. It was his personal mission to make that laughing man regret every last guffaw. During warmups, he pointed out one of the forwards to Bood, the one who happened to play on Team USA. Ilya bumped Shane and tilted his head to the other Nomads defenseman. Shane nodded then skated over to Barrett, heads bent together. As Shane skated to the faceoff he grinned evilly at Minnesota’s center.
“Let’s try to find something funny to laugh about today,” and Shane was gone with the puck.
It was a trouncing of epic proportions. The Centaurs made it a personal mission to single out the Team USA players and ruin their night. The play was aggressive, chippy, and tense, barely riding the line of legality. By the time the buzzer sounded, everyone was drenched in sweat and gasping.
As the teams filed off the ice, Ilya skated over closer to the American defenseman and shouted, “Maybe next time you should ask your gold medal winning women’s team to help you win, yes? Maybe your mom can teach you a few things about hockey instead of cleaning up your messes.”
The ghost boy American defenseman walked off the ice with a hangdog look on his face.
Ilya just grinned.