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The forest was cold and dark as fuck, I had to use the light from my PSP’s screen to light up my view. I knew for a fact there was a clearing somewhere, I just had to find it…
One of my cousins showed me the place years ago. It’s right in the middle of nowhere and very quiet. I never thought I’d go back there since the first time he brought me, but sometimes a cold clearing in a scary ass forest is more of a home than your house… somehow.
After a few minutes of running around trying to spot the difference between trees to make sure I wasn’t running in circles, I made it there.
Just as cold and empty as it was back then, there were no people around besides me. I could see stars in the sky now that I was away from town, they’d keep me company, I guess...
I looked around, barely, looking for somewhere to sit down on. Eventually, I found a lonely log, a good six or so feet away from the border of the clearing, and sat down on it. I immediately regretted not checking if the log was rotten, but it thankfully wasn’t.
Finally, I could use my PSP as an actual game console… Man, I remember fighting tooth and nail to make my parents get me that thing.
“It’s not for girls!” My mom would yell.
“It has girl games too, you know?!” I’d yell back.
Certainly didn’t miss any of that.
I’d brought 3 games, God of War was on the console already and the other two were all I could fit on the chest pocket of my flannel. I didn’t want to use the pockets on my pants because they were way too tight when I sat down, I didn’t want to break the discs.
I also didn’t own any more games.
I was pumped as I booted up God of War, so pumped that I forgot to brace for impact.
The screen went black as the game booted up, and it showed a completely discernible reflection of my face. That ugly mug with puffy ass cheeks, I’d even forgotten to wipe off the makeup my mom made me wear too. My lips were… plump as always, doubly so from the lipstick. Even besides hating makeup, I could tell that I had WAY too much eyeshadow on, still, no amount of eyeshadow could save my eyes from looking huge and ridiculous… And my jaw was as smooth as ever.
I could also see there was a complete stranger leaning in behind me.
“WHAT THE FUCK?!” I jumped off the log.
The girl just stared at my PSP with a blank expression.
“...You want this?” I lifted it out of her reach, her gaze followed. “Piss off! It’s mine–”
“That’s an old model.” She interrupted.
“Huh?”
“That is the first model, the PSP-1000, released in 2004. The newest model is the PSP-E1000, released in 2011.”
“Who gives a fuck?!” I lowered my hand. “It does everything I need it to do.”
“Interesting.” She finally stood up straight.
“I thought humans always wanted the newest versions of products.” She said, looking down at the floor.
“‘Humans’?... Are you larping as a robot or something?”
“What does the verb ‘larping’ mean?”
This bitch is actually stupid. I thought.
“It stands for live action roleplay, I think… Wait–Who are you?! What are you doing here?!”
She circled around the log and sat to the opposite side of where I was earlier, picking up a snail from a blade of grass and bringing it close to her face to examine it.
“My designation is SF-A2 Miki. I am exploring.” She sounded completely unfazed.
“Designation?...” I questioned. “Are you really a–”
“Why are you here?” She interrupted… again, turning to look at me. “Children are generally unadvised to explore without their parents.”
I sighed. “Have you ever been asked if you’d rather be alone in the forest with a man or be alone in the forest with a bear?”
“I have not been asked that question, but I have heard discussions about it.” She was looking at a dragonfly that had landed on her hand now.
I pointed to the floor with my free hand. “This is me picking the bear.”
“So you’re saying that staying under the care of your guardian is unintuitively less safe than being in an unknown clearing?” The dragonfly flew away as she turned her head to face me again.
“Yeah, sure, whatever. Look, if you’re gonna stay here then I’ll be on my way.” I said, turning around to leave. It’s not like I had anywhere else to go, but I was gonna figure it out.
“Wait.”
I didn’t want to admit it, but I was feeling very lonely, and this girl was the only person talking to me at the moment, and she seemed somewhat understanding, so I actually responded.
“What do you want?!” I wasn’t gonna make it obvious I felt all that, though.
She looked me straight in the eyes, with noticeable earnestness behind her words. “I want to know why. Why is being alone in the woods better than being under the care of your parents?”
I sighed, again, and pathetically made my way to the log, and sat down next to her, defeated.
“Because they’re not caring for me.”
“How come?”
“They’re not doing anything for me. They’re caring for SOMEBODY, but that somebody is not me.”
“Could you give an example of their behavior? I’m still struggling to understand.”
I slowly turned my head to face her, slightly upset.
“Do you see this makeup?” I pointed to my face.
“Yes.”
“I don’t know how to put on makeup.”
“But it looks professionally done.”
“That’s because my mom put it on!...” My voice cracked. “Besides. That's not the point. The point is I didn’t want to put on makeup at all..."
“I thought humans found makeup attractive.” This response pissed me off, especially because she sounded so casual while saying it.
“I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT BEING ATTRACTIVE!” I yelled.
She showed emotion for the first time since we started talking. She looked… upset.
“ What do you not get?!... I just wanna be myself…” I turned away. By this point I was almost crying.
“I… I think I understand.”
I looked at her for just a second, then turned back away. “Like fuck you do…”
“I’ve had similar experiences. When I try to understand more about human nature, I’m met with hostility and caution. In fact, the only people who have humored me for an entire conversation have been my creator, and you.”
I had pretty much accepted that I was talking to a robot by that point, but she seemed so… human. She suddenly felt like somebody I could actually talk to, someone who’d actually listen. So I let my guard down.
“That so?... Well. I guess I could answer a few of your questions, if you want.”
“You mentioned wanting to be yourself. What does that mean? How are you not yourself?”
“It’s… hard to explain. I have this feeling inside me that doesn’t match with what my body is. I look at my face in the mirror and it’s just somebody, not me. And every time I remember that, it makes me feel like shit.”
“I see.”
“And every time I try to do something to make myself more comfortable in whoever the fuck’s body this is, my parents fight tooth and nail to stop me.”
“Do you know why?”
“Because they hate it when things change. They have this bullshit notion of what is ‘natural’ and they hate it when something doesn't fit in.”
“Greeting the unknown with hostility is something humans do a lot.” She sounded a little more somber than normal there.
I chuckled. “Yeah. I’m sure you know plenty about that.”
Then we stayed still in this pleasant silence. Her staring vacantly at the stars, and me with a dumbass smile on my face, holding back tears because I didn’t want my mom to ask me why my makeup was smudged.
“It’s 8PM.” She said, out of nowhere.
“Really? Shit! I gotta go. The party’s about to end and I gotta be there before that.” I said, lifting up and cleaning the dust off my pants.
“Wait.” She stopped me.
“What?”
“What is your name? You never told me.”
I thought long and hard about that question, I figured it was about time I tried to create a new identity for myself, properly.
“I’m Len.” Not Rin.
“Farewell, Len.”
“Farewell.” I saluted her, for some reason, then walked off.
I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be able to see her again after that, but I knew one thing: If I did, it would be a nice break from my normal reality.