Chapter Text
Present - Zoe
I am at my parents house. It's close to the shore and when you stand at the large back window you can watch the currents fighting the dry land, like it's their mission to swallow the sand.
I remember that they seemed to be huge, dark blue and angry but today they appear tame, almost calm. A little like me. I am calm outside but a storm is brewing inside me.
I turn away from the window to a soft cough behind me and find my father standing. For his 45 years he's still in good shape, lean but still strong, with the smallest little paunch showing beneath his tight black shirt, his black hair shows first gray on his temples and his stubble is the same as it was when I was a children. Dark and rough. My body remembers...and I shiver.
"...You came...finally..."
I can hear he's relieved. We didn't see each other for almost six years. I am 25 now, my hair is different, still a reddish brown like my mother's but with some highlights. Shorter. My body is softer, curvy, like that of woman. Though I don't feel like a woman in this moment.
"...Yeah... " I whisper, and feel my cheeks blushing crimson. Six years and I am still the little girl in his strong, fatherly presence. He makes a step closer to me, opens his arms in an invitation. They shake. He appears hopeful I'll make the step though his dark eyes betray him. They mirror worry. He's unsure if I am still his. His little girl.
Am I?
I make a little, wobbly step into his direction, then another one and before I can decide otherwise I am pulled against his chest. His strong chest. A wave of his aqua cologne hits me and throws me back into memories... That's the chest that held me softly when I was crying as a little one. Made me feel good in every way possible. My save harbor. Not a single guy I've met made me feel like he does. I fear no one ever will.
A deep, content sigh escapes my lips before I can stop it. His warmth wraps itself around me, seaps inside my body like a liquid drug. His strong arms hold me tight, pull me closer. My heart is hammering and I tense for the briefest moment before my mind and body remembers his, and I melt. I melt into my father's embrace, deeper and deeper and finally, finally I am home.
"...baby girl..." he breaths reverently out, a soft kiss feathered on my hair. I feel a single tear rolling down my cheek and my chest feels like I am bursting. Happiness. Regret. Hope. Love. So much love.
"D-Daddy..." I am his little one again, sunken in his arms. He makes me feel safe and secure. His warm hand brushes soothingly over my back, the other one holds the back of my head, tight fingers curling into my hair like there aren't six years gone we didn't see each other.
"Shhh, shhh, it's okay, it's okay baby girl. You are home now... I've got you, Daddy's got you..." he whispers and I can feel how he struggles to breath, it feels like he's clinging to me as much as I am to him. I sniffle and he peppers my hair in a thousand soft kisses. We stay like that for an eternity or maybe it's just seconds, before we are interrupted.
"Honey, you are home!!!" My mother calls out as she enters the room. My father let go of me, reluctantly. Then he steps back, makes room for my mother, she's a hugger too. Different than my Dad but still. I let her cuddle me, brush awkwardly the tears away. She probably assumes it's because I am home, and she is partly right but also, she couldn't be further away from the truth.
We enter the den, my father close behind. I feel his presence. My two brothers are already there and suddenly I am five years old again, wrestling with them, laughing, be thrown in the air, tickled and a part of their chaotic bunch. My belly makes a summersault.
Why did I wait so long to come home? I turn and see my father's eyes on me. The longing, the regret. And his love. Years ago we almost drowned in it and now? It comes crashing down at us like the currents outside. I hoped it would be different but nothing changed. I want to tell him, what I did, how the last years changed me but I am too afraid. I'll keep my secret a little longer.
My dad smiles and I can't but smile back. It's soft and tender, like we are promising - without a single word - that we are finding a way back to each other. Do I want to? The moment I consider sticking my tongue out to him to break the tension with something silly, one of my brothers grabs me by my waist and throws me over his shoulder. I am shaking with laughter and my father disappears from my sight as I face the back of my brother.
*************
Past - Zoe four and a half! (The half is important at that age!)
I was stumbling into my parents bedroom, rubbing my swollen, red eyes, all because of my brother Oliver. He took my stuffie away, again. It's my favorite! A pink bunny, my father gave me at my birthday. My fourth birthday!
My gaze flew to the yellow bottle on my mother's chest of drawers. I knew Mommy had a bad headache, she left for bed early - angry and annoyed by me - but eventually allowed me to watch a movie with Daddy so she had her quiet.
My naked little feet carried me slowly over the soft floor closer to their bed but weird sounds made me stop. Deep unfamiliar grunting, murmured words I didn't understand.
A monster? Was my Daddy in danger? My little heart started pumping and my anger about my brother was forgotten like it never existed. I looked around to find something to defend my Daddy. Nothing. There was nothing!!!
My lower lip started to wobble. What was I supposed to do??? I wished I was older than 4 and a half.
Another grunt...
"D-Daddy?" I whispered just in case the monster had good hearing. You can't know. In the movies the dragon mostly sleeps...Daddy didn't answer so I took a deep breath, braced myself, shut my eyes and then I made further steps.
The room fell into silence for a moment. A second later I cracked one eye open 'please please please don't let there be a monster' I chanted in my mind. But my gaze found my Dad, he was in bed, peaking up behind my Mom. No monster!!! It seemed like he was cuddling with her though Mommy was shaking a bit, which looked funny. And she was sleeping. That was even more weird.
My body shook from relief and I stomped quickly over to the bed, rubbing my eyes and sniffling. He's okay, my Daddy isn't hurt!!!
"Fuck,....baby, what..." I heard Daddy curse and our eyes locked. His eyes seemed darker than usual and I wondered if it was because the room was lit only in the light from the nightstand. Before Daddy could say another bad word I crawled onto the bed and cuddled close to Mommy under the blanket.
She was almost naked, her nightgown sat strangely over her breasts and she was still sleeping. I pressed my small body against my Mommy's. Her huge breasts were warm against my belly and I pressed my face into her soft neck. She smelled like lavender. The tension left my overwhelmed body and I started shaking. Thick tears rolled uncontrollably down my face. I was so relieved everything was okay. They were happy tears!
"Ohhh baby, shhh baby, what's the matter????" Daddy asked concerned and I explained hiccuping that I thought he was in danger (!!!) and of course I told him about my brother!!! Daddy's hand moved up from under the blanket and was cradling my face. His fingers felt a bit wet but I didn't care at all.
"Shhhh, it's all good. You've seen for yourself that Daddy is okay...now close those beautiful eyes for Daddy and go back to sleep. Princesses need their sleep. Tomorrow I'll have a word with your brother. Pinky promise."
With the gentle touch of his fingers I closed my eyes and calmed down. Daddy's hand held gently the side of my face and I nuzzled deeper into his touch. Mommy started shaking slightly back and forth again and I didn't question why. I simply enjoyed the soft movement. It felt like when Daddy rocked me when I was little. I sighed happily and pressed my lips against Daddy's palm. "Mwuuaah" a kiss followed by another one.
"My good little girl...its okay. Everything is okay..." I might be only four and half but I knew 'good girl' means I am doing good, so I placed another little kiss on my Daddy's palm.
"Hmmm,...my sweet sweet girl"
I continued kissing my father's palm and weirdly enough Mommy shook a little faster now. Her boobs jiggled against my belly. It felt funny. I opened my eyes and found Daddy's dark gaze lingering on my face. He stared down at me in shock while I smiled dreamily up at him. He looked wild with his tussled hair and his mouth open, eyes even darker than before. My little heart made a flip. His fingers danced over my chin and cheek. His thumb brushed carefully over my parted lips. I licked my lips and stared at his finger.
"It's... its...okay baby. Go for it... Mommy's asleep. Don't you worry. I've... Daddy got you."
"I love you, Daddy. Thank you, thank you" I whispered, close to tears again. I pressed my cheek like a starving kitten into his warm, large hand to let him know I was thankful for his understanding. His thumb brushed over my lower lip again, ever so gently pulling it slightly down. His touch was soft like a feather, carrying me to the place where I didn't feel embarrassed by my weird behavior and needs.
"It's okay,... honey...take...take what you need from Daddy. I love you. Always."
Butterflies erupted in my belly hearing his affectionate words. Following his offer I opened my mouth and angled it down. I closed my eyes to memorize this moment, treasure it for future sad or lonely days.
Tentatively I closed my small lips around the tip of my father's thumb. The tip of my tongue tapped expermentally against his rough finger. Salvia already pooled inside my mouth, hungry for the calmness this interaction would bring.
The moment I covered his flesh in my spit, the knot holding me back broke. I suckled with strong pulls. I felt a bit embarrassed because I still hiccuped between licking and sucking from the stressI felt before. A little like a lost baby animal who found its way back to its mother. Only that it's my Dad.
"Shhhh, relax babygirl, ...it's okay...I am here. Daddy is...here..." he said. He always reassured me of his love, especially when I was overwhelmed. He knew his words calmed me though his actual voice was husky and sounded unfamiliar to me. Like the bad wolf from my fairytales.
I looked up to him, his thumb now pressed deeply into my mouth and he nodded reassuringly, like he knew I was still afraid Mommy might wake up. I tried to shut down my mind but memories rushed in nonethelss....
....some time back Daddy was watching TV, a sports game as usual. I laid down next to him and simply put my head on his lap. He played absentmindedly with my hair and I caressed and played with his free hand. I tried to count all those deep little lines but I wasn't good at counting. I didn't know what came after ten. It made me so angry!!!! I've got frustrated with myself!!! Before Daddy could say No, I pulled his hand closer and started suckling on one of his fingers. Immediately I forgot what I was frustrated about. It felt so so good, I melted into his lap!!! Nothing else had felt that good before!
You must know my mother forbid me to use pacifiers anymore (she said it was embarrassing to have a kid my age using pacifiers) but Daddy gave me the prettiest pink one behind her back. I had to promise to keep it at a safe place because Mommy would be angry. I can only suckle on it when I am in bed.
"Babygirl, ...what, what are you doing?" my father asked staring down at me bewildered but didn't pull his finger out. Before he was able to react my mother walked in and by God when she saw me she was furious!!! Like a dragon from my bed time stories! They argued. And how they argued! Like really really bad!!! I was immediately sent up into my room and heard them even upstairs. They yelled. Daddy was ranting that it was her fault because she took my pacifiers away and that they soothed me in difficult situations (I have something called dysregulation problems or so, I don't know for sure)....and as a consequence I was searching for other outlets....
I really didn't understand most of what they argued but my Mom got the last word. She told him it's wrong and disgusting on many levels (whatever that means), and that this had to be end before it started. And it did end at least to this late evening.
So here I was, my mother asleep and my father's thumb brushing over my little tongue. I felt his rough skin and sighed happily. My heartbeat slowed and I was able to breath freely for the first time in weeks. First I started sucking slowly and reserved in case Mommy would wake up but with every second I got more greedy. My tongue circled over his skin like my life depended on it. I almost tried to swallow his whole thumb. The sounds I made were wet and noisy, even little moans made their way out.
"Shhh baby, it's okay. Let go, it's okay....ohh god ... That's...ohhhh god, babygirl, my sweet girl..."
Daddy made the weirdest sounds I've never heard before but I kept my eyes closed, felt the warmth of my mother's body and Daddy's huge thumb in my mouth. He started moving his thumb a little back and forth, soft brushes over my little tongue, like he needed me as much as I him. It felt funny as he was moving inside my mouth but I decided that I liked that and another little moan slipped out from between my lips and his finger.
"Oh god...baby,... My beautiful babygirl...fuuuck.......god....its....wrong....my sweet girl,....mmmmhhh, what are you doing to me....ohh nnnrghhhh" and then the soft shake of my mom's boobs suddenly stopped along with Daddy's weird breathing, though he didn't pull his finger from my mouth.
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"Oh come on Zoe don't be such a cry baby!!! It suits her better!!!" Oliver yelled at me with a devilish grin, his brows nearly up to his hairline. Forcefully he pushed my Barbie -now with short hair- into my arms. Short hair!!! She had the most beautiful long blond hair!!! Before his scissors made her look like an ugly Ken.
"You, you are..." I searched for the right word to insult him within the allowed borders, because Mommy said cursing and bad words are only for adults.
"...dumb" I didn't come up with something more insulting and felt even more angry about my lack of imagination.
"Really? That's it? You're lame" I heard him as I turned on my heels and ran from the room. When I made it outside I clashed into huge legs and nearly toppled back over. Strong hands steadied me before I could land on my bum.
"Hush hush baby, what's the matter? What has happened now? Come here little girl."
Daddy lifted me up into his arms. I avoided his deep soulful eyes. With a gentle finger he angled my chin up so we were face to face. Gahhh!
"Why's my beautiful girl crying?" Daddy asked but Oliver said it's not okay to tell Daddy everything. It's kinda codex for siblings. Whatever "codex" meant. I shook my head in a No while Daddy caressed my chin with his thumb. I really really wanted to resist but I wasn't strong enough. I stared at his finger like in hypnosis.
Slowly I opened my mouth like a little bird and felt my cheeks heating. I pressed my eyelids tightly together so I didn't have to see my Daddy's disappointed face. I felt embarrassed that I behaved like a little baby, again. And then after an endless moment I felt how my father's finger pressed down on my lower lip. He rubbed so tenderly over my exposed flesh that I shivered.
"Is that what my sweet babygirl wants?" He asked in his deep (angry?) voice. The one he usually used with the boys because it demanded obedience. Apart from that I ever only heard it when I was in bed with him and Mommy, some weeks ago.
So, naturally I was unsure if it really was okay to follow my urge. I didn't dare move. His finger stroked over my bottom lip, coaxing me. I took a deep breath and nodded. It was a tiny movement, barely there, but my Daddy knew me all too well.
"Say, 'yes Daddy, that's what I need' and Daddy is giving it to you but you have to talk to me."
Reluctantly I repeated his words in a whisper. He nodded approvingly with a big grin on his handsome face.
"Good girl, here, take what you need...it's okay."
And then he slipped his thumb into my needy mouth while the rest of his fingers held my cheek.
"Suck as tight as you want babygirl. It's okay. Shhhh, Daddy got you. Always."
Daddy rocked me from side to side on his hip like I was really his baby. The sudden feeling of happiness made me sigh. Daddy was sighing too, but his was deeper, more breathless. No it was more a rumble. He walked with me in his arms into the bedroom, sat down on the bed and held me tight. A deep, soft groan escaped his chest watching me as I fell suckling his thumb into a world of pure happiness.
Afterwards, when he returned rather happy and relaxed from the connected bathroom, he told me it's not okay for Mommy to see us like that, that she would be angry, especially with Daddy. Nonetheless I braced myself and asked him if we could be close like this more regularly. Maybe when he'd read to me in bed?
His answer was not what I had hoped for and my heart shattered into little pieces but I wouldn't be Daddy's little girl if I would have given up that easily.
I begged my father for days until he eventually gave in and said we could give it a try. But still it had to be a secret. I wasn't stupid. I knew Mommy would think of me as embarrassing again. He promised we would start on Monday because Mommy had her yoga class in the evening. I got to bed relieved, suckled on my pink pacifier and dreamed of my Daddy.
The next morning Daddy didn't join us to breakfast. I got agitated and fiddled with the hem of my yellow dress sitting at the breakfast table.
"Where's... where's Daddy...?" I asked my mother. I was already close to tears because he usually prepared my breakfast and told me funny stories that made me giggle. Mom explained that Granny was in the hospital and he took care of her by bringing her clothes and stuff...
It's been the worst five days of my live! My brothers avoided me because either I yelled at them or I cried. Even Mommy left me alone, obviously annoyed by my behavior.
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Today!!!
Today's the day my father will come home, Mommy assured me. I was early in bed, probably at 7 o'clock, directly after dinner. I felt so weird and restless without Daddy. I put on my prettiest little pink nightgown and the book we were reading laid already open at the page we left.
I clutched my teddy to my belly when the door creaked open and my father walked in.
Oh my god!!! Finally!!
I squirmed on the bed, eager to be held, praised. Daddy's face showed the biggest smile and I beamed back. My heart was overflowing with affection. My face almost hurt so wide was my grin. My father closed the door quietly behind him, then he turned and crossed the room in three huge strikes.
"There she is!!! The most beautiful girl of the world!!! Who's my girl? Who's Daddy's princess???" Daddy beamed.
"It's me!!! I am your princess" I was almost yelling, completely out of control as I jumped up and down on the bed, my teddy tumbled down to the floor.
"Yes babygirl it's YOU!!! Come here!!!'
Daddy lifted me up onto his hip and inhaled me while I slung my arms around his neck. His stubble was more obvious than usual, rough but not unpleasant against my soft neck. He rocked us from side to side. Humming happily.
"God... I've missed you so much" he breathed out and brushed his stubbled cheek over my mine. I giggled.
"What's so funny my little princess?" he asked and I felt his warm lips moving over the sensitive skin of my earlobe. I shivered.
"Daddy!!! You're scratching me" I answered like it was obvious. Nonetheless I peppered his bristly cheek in kisses, I was so happy he was home.
"Muah muah muah, I've missed you sooo much Daddy" my father was laughing and then he placed equally soft, wet kisses along my neck. Maybe not equal because his were not as loud as mine, softer, affectionate. Goosebumps erupted all over my skin. A wild fluttering started in my belly.
"Urghhhh, Daddy..???" I whispered in awe.
"You like that babygirl? Is that good?" another soft kiss underlined his question and made my insides tingle. I didn't know how to describe what was going on inside my body, so I settled for a soft whispered 'hmmm, yes?' and squirmed on his hip.
"Daddy likes kissing you as well but what about reading? Did you already forget about the dragon???" he spoke the word dragon in his scary dragon voice.
"Noooo!!! Never!!!"
"I thought so" he grinned and stopped kissing me. I felt a little disappointed.
We laid down and he settled on his left side, my back pressed as close as possible against his belly. Even if Mommy would enter the room she couldn't see that we were breaking her stupid rules because we faced away from the door. My father's left upper, outstretched arm was holding the book and the other tangled in front of my face, his fingers wiggled playfully. A silent offer.
His belly shook with quiet laughter. He knew I couldn't resist, wouldn't want to. I giggled that he was so playful and silly. I didn't have to think twice. Without feeling any reluctance I wrapped my lips greedily around my father's index finger and then I swallowed also his middle finger. I dove immediately deep into happiness while I suckled strongly on my father's flesh.
"Is my girl greedy?"
I nodded only. I wasn't in the mood to let even one second go of my father's fingers. I was breathing heavier, faster, almost hyperventilating.
"Shhh angel, relax. Shhhh, take your time. It's all good. Suck on it. Such a good girl" my eyes grew heavy and my breathing slowed down but the sounds escaping my throat sounded uncommon to my own ears. I couldn't hold it back though. Daddy didn't seem to mind and continued reading.
We were at the passage where the prince had to fight the dragon when I felt something weird pressing into my bum. It was hard and long shaped, covering the length of my bum. It was obvious attached to my Daddy though he acted normal, reading page after page. The only strange thing was his breath, he sounded like running. Some minutes or seconds after I've noticed the hard thingy he started moving the smallest bit behind me. Up and down? Or back and forth? I couldn't tell. He rocked against my body softly like he did with Mommy that late evening.
Was this another kind of cuddling? Should I ask him? The moment I opened m mouth to ask Daddy put the book against the wall.
"You need to turn the pages for Daddy for a minute, okay?"
His voice was like gravel. I mumbled with his fngers in my mouth "kay daddy" but he pulled them out. I groaned annoyed and he chuckled.
"Wait, ...just wait a sec baby. My... greedy little one..." then he changed his position slightly and worked one finger of his left hand into my mouth while his right hand fumbled with his pants. I didn't know what he was doing behind my back and to be honest, I didn't care as long as I was allowed to suck his finger.
It took him a moment to find the right position then he was back at reading while I turned the pages for him. I felt proud about my new 'job'. Turning pages wasn't something a baby could do!
We were a tangled mess but somehow it worked. I couldn't feel the hard stiff thingy anymore though Daddy sounded weird. He was reading slower, paused at the wrong moments and stopped completely in between to take a deep breath. His voice was way deeper than usual. And parts of him moved. I felt it. He never did that before.
"Hmmm....Daddy?"
"Mmmmm..." he moaned like in pain.
"What are you doing? Is everything okay?"
"Yes, angel....Daddy, Daddy.... Ohhh god... Daddy loves you. That okay angel? Do you feel okay?"
Of course I felt okay, I was with my Daddy! "Yes, of course Daddy!" I assured him.
"Does it feel good that Daddy is back?"
"Yes, Daddy, I've missed you" I licked his fingers like they were covered in milk and I was a little kitten.
"Good, ...good little girl...Oh god, Daddy is so close..." Parts of him moved faster. Like really fast now. And close to what? It sounded wet, kinda. A slapping sound? I didn't ask because it wasn't important.
"I love you Daddy..." I offered again because I knew he liked it when I told him. I decided I was no longer interested what he did and got back to sucking my father's thumb rhythmically, as strong as possible.
"Baby, ....jesus... Babygirl... Daddy can't... I can't...feels so good. Such a good girl..."
A deep, animalistic grunt followed. Daddy's body went stiff for a long moment. He almost shook before he went limb behind me. Then he seemed rather hectically fumbling behind my back again. He pulled me close against his warm belly and chest.
"Baby, my sweet babygirl....I am sorry...."
"Why are you sorry?"
Silence.
"Because I was away from the most precious girl for so long"....
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Usually Mom and Dad switched every other day reading to me so I had to wait at least one day in between. I was getting more and more nervous on the evenings without sucking on my father's thumb. Eventually my mother noticed. She asked me why I was squirming and so easily upset but I didn't know what to answer so I came up with a lie. "Daddy just narrates the dragons and beasts better..."
"Oh... Okay. So you want your father to read to you?"
I felt sorry for her but yes I wanted my father and so I told her. She ruffled my hair and after a second she laughed and said she was like me when she was little, a Daddy's girl and that she understood. She kissed me Good Night and left.
I couldn't wait!!! Every evening I got my Daddy for myself!!!