Chapter Text
Tim pulled up his shop in front of one of many food trucks in the area – his lunch break with Lucy lined up perfectly. After the morning he’d had, the amount of paperwork he had to take care of and the nooks and crannies of figuring out how to fund the undercover op, he was looking forward to stepping outside for a moment and breathing in some air that didn’t have residual smell of paint.
Lucy was already seated at one of the little tables, and his order awaited him too – she’d been kind enough to make sure his food was there by the time he arrived. He slid down into the seat across from her and reached for the water immediately, chugging a few sips down,
“Hey,” she smiled, “How’s it going at the station?”
“It reeks of paint and I definitely have a newfound appreciation for the fact that I was isolated from the noise,” he admitted, taking a bite of his fries, “But it’s good, I guess. I’m trying to figure out the funding for the op. But… can we talk about that? Put sergeant Chen and Bradford aside for a moment?”
“Yeah, of course,” she nodded, “I was hoping we would talk at home, but if you wanna do it now, I don’t mind.”
“No, I definitely want to touch on this at home too, but… y’know. We have a little bug at home too. I guess knowing where we stand at and how to handle talking to her about it would be wise before we sit down with her, y’know.”
“Yeah, that makes sense,” Lucy nodded after swallowing a bite of her burrito, “I’d like to do the talking. I’m the one going away. She should hear it from me. And I’m open to all questions she might have. And we’ll remind her that I’m not going away forever, and that you’re staying. It’ll be difficult, but she’ll understand.”
“I have no doubts in that,” Tim admitted with a sad smile, “It’s just… she’s gonna miss her mama a lot.”
“And mama is gonna miss her baby a lot too,” Lucy nodded, “But this is something I have to do. She’d understand.”
“You know, this would bring back some painful memories for her,” Tim pointed out, “The whole watch commander thing that happened with me. It was similar, in some ways. Only now, she won’t know anything. I think her little heart will struggle with that.”
“Yeah, I think the cold turkey, no contact is what’ll hurt her the most. She’s so used to us being with her all the time, she’s used to coming home with us both. It’s gonna be heavy on her. But… what about you?”
“I’m scared,” he admitted without missing a beat, “And not because I think you’re Isabel. I know you’re not her. It’s just… it’s always scary, watching you go into the lion’s den. I watch you go on patrol every day, and that’s already scary enough, but I think undercover is a whole different beast. It has nothing to do with you or your skills or capabilities. Just… it’s dangerous. Very dangerous. And that’s what I’ll always struggle with. I know you’re capable, I know you can handle yourself, I know you’ll pull out if you can’t keep up. But that doesn’t mean that I still get scared.”
“Thanks for being honest with me,” Lucy whispered, reaching to squeeze his hands that were clasped in front of him on the table, “And I know why you’re scared. I understand. And we’ll talk more about all this at home, but know that I hear you. And I love you for being honest with me.”
“I can’t not be honest with you,” he chuckled, “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
When Scout slid into the backseat, she could sense the tension in the car. The way the air wasn’t as easy as it usually was,
“Hi, baby,” Lucy spoke up, turning in her seat to smile at her, “How was school?”
“Okay,” she responded, eyes going between her and Tim, “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong,” Tim reassured her as he pulled out of the parking lot, “We promise. We just have something we’d want to talk to you about.”
“Did something bad happen?”
“No.”
“Am I in trouble?”
“No,” Lucy shook her head again, “We’ll talk about it after dinner. Okay?”
“Okay,” Scout nodded, a little lighter now that she confirmed she hadn’t done anything wrong, fully trusting her parents to be honest with her when the time came. She launched into talking about the latest song they started singing in choir, and about what they learnt in science – something about volcanoes and the layers of the Earth. She was proud to tell them she got an A- on her math test, and they didn’t miss the chance to cheer on their baby bug for her success.
The dinner went the way it always had – they cooked together, with Scout perched up on the counter, Bear-Bear leaned against the fridge, overseeing the process, while Tim and Lucy effortlessly moved around the space, chopping veggies, making sauces, including Scout everywhere they could. They ate and told stories about their days – Lucy telling them about Celina’s latest obsession, Tim whining about having to share a space with twenty other officers at all times and Scout talking about something funny that happened in the classroom. The house was warm, steady – filled with love and laughter.
But still, Tim couldn’t shake the fact that soon enough, one of the faces will be missing at the dining table.
He hated that it felt like she was already moving out, like she was leaving forever, when she truly wasn’t. He knew Lucy wasn’t Isabel, and he’d already established that with her too – but that didn’t mean that the pit in his stomach grew every time he saw her in this shared space, knowing that soon enough she won’t be in it anymore.
They sat down on the couch after dinner, and Lucy pulled Scout into her lap, letting the little girl cuddle up sideways into her chest, big brown eyes looking up at her with a question. Tim shuffled close too, wrapping his arms around them both, leaning his head to rest against Lucy’s, as she began to talk,
“Okay, so something your dada and I wanted to talk to you about was a little work assignment I have to go on.”
“Like, patrol?” Scout asked, brows furrowing in confusion,
“No,” Lucy shook her head, “This is different. It’s undercover.”
“Oh,” Scout breathed, “Like, you have to go pretend you’re someone you’re not?”
“Yeah,” Lucy nodded, “I have to go pretend.”
Scout looked at Tim, as if she’d known how much this was eating him alive. She’d known bits and pieces of his life with Isabel – she’d known about the undercover life that tore them apart, about the addiction that slotted itself in between their marriage. She’d known about his fears and reservations, but his eyes stayed steady. She could still see the hesitance, but it felt like they’d already talked about it a little. His steadiness made her heart remain steady too,
“For how long?” she asked, looking back at mama,
“Four weeks. Minimum,” she said, “Probably a little longer. Depending on how fast we can get in where we’re supposed to.”
“That’s a whole month,” Scout frowned, her face turning into a frown,
“I know, baby.”
“Where are you goin’?”
“I can’t tell you,” she said, “I can tell you it’s not in LA, however.”
“Why can’t you tell me?”
“Because part of being undercover means keeping the location quiet, even from people I love,” she sighed,
“Will dada know where you are?” Scout asked, and Tim nodded,
“Yeah, I know where she’ll be. I’m the one signing off on the op.”
“So… it’s already done?” Scout asked, “You’re leaving?”
“It’ll take a few days for higher-ups to approve all the funding, but yeah,” Lucy nodded, “I’m expecting we’ll leave next week.”
“We?” Scout asked, “You goin’ with dada?”
“No. I’ll go with Nyla,” Lucy explained, “We’re gonna go do this job together.”
“That’s okay,” Scout nodded, “Means you won’t be all alone somewhere scary. But… is it dangerous?”
“It can be,” Lucy said honestly, “But Nyla and I will have a check-in system. And we’ll have contact points with the team once we get to actually infiltrate. And I’ve trained for this, and Nyla’s trained for this too. We’re going to be very careful, and I won’t do anything I know I can’t handle.”
Scout nodded, seeing the resolution in Lucy’s eyes, seeing the way she spoke about it with confidence, with knowing her limits. She liked that – liked the way neither one of them treated her like a kid. They never brushed off the hard questions with don’t worry about it, you’re just a kid and they never tried to sugar coat stuff for her. They were realistic and honest with her, and she loved that. They didn’t minimize her involvement in things just because she was an eight-year-old either. They let her be a part of everything, she always had a say. That made her feel like she belonged,
“Have you done this before?” Scout asked, and Lucy nodded,
“Yeah. I’ve done undercover ops alone. I did one with your dada, as you already know. That doesn’t mean I know what I’m walking into, because there always are uncertainties,” she shifted her gaze to Tim, “But the experience matters.”
She reached one hand out toward him then, cupping his face, brushing her thumb over his stubble,
“You’re scared,” she whispered, looking back at Scout, then at Tim again, “And that’s okay. I’m scared too. But this is something very important.”
“Are you gonna help people?” Scout asked,
“I’m going to get justice for the ones that I couldn’t help,” she explained, “And I’ll try making sure whoever’s behind what happened won’t be able to harm another girl like that again.”
“Okay,” Scout nodded, burrowing into Lucy’s chest, “Imma miss you, mama.”
“I know you will,” Lucy breathed, pressing a kiss into Scout’s hair,
“Can we talk if I miss you big?” she asked,
“No, honey. We’re not allowed any kind of contact on the op.”
“…oh,” Scout breathed, “But… you’ll still be my mama?”
“Always,” Lucy said without missing a beat,
“But… if you’re pretending, does that mean you’re pretending you don’t have me and dada?”
“Yeah,” Lucy nodded, “I’m pretending to be someone else. And that comes with protecting people I care about. But that doesn’t make you two any less mine. It doesn’t make me love you any less. It doesn’t change what’s real and what I have waiting for me here.”
“Okay,” Scout nodded after a moment of thinking, as if she was trying to store that information somewhere safe, somewhere where she could pull it out when she needed a reminder, “Dada doesn’t seem to like it,” she added then, noticing the way Tim’s shoulders stiffened as the conversation progressed,
“No,” he admitted, “I don’t.”
“Why?”
“Because… this is dangerous. And I can’t be nowhere near it to keep your mama safe.”
“But she said she knows what she’s doin’,” Scout frowned,
“She does, and I trust her. But it’s not about trust. It’s about… how quickly everything can change. How much it can take from people.”
“You think… the danger could take mama?” she asked, squeezing her tiny arms around Lucy tighter, as if suddenly becoming aware of how much this could cost her,
“Not exactly,” Tim breathed, “Just… it can get messy. And hard. And painful. For both sides,” he looked at Lucy, “It feels like I just got you. It finally feels like we’re in a good place. And… you leaving for the op feels like you’re moving out, in a way.”
“I will move out for a few weeks,” Lucy said, “But that doesn’t mean I’m leaving you or Scout forever.”
“Feels like it when you don’t know when you’ll come home,” he murmured, burrowing his face into Lucy’s shoulder,
“Could it be more than four weeks?” Scout asked, “Like, a lot more?”
“It could run for months, yeah,” Lucy nodded, “I don’t think it will, but it’s always a possibility.”
Scout went still at that. No dramatics, no tears. Just stiffened in her lap, like her little brain was trying to process something as big as that,
“Months?” she whispered softly, and Lucy nodded,
“It’s possible. Undercover work depends on how quickly trust builds, how much evidence we gather, and whether the people we’re targeting make mistakes. Sometimes they’re sloppy, sometimes they’re very careful.”
Scout gulped at that, eyes growing a little scared at the uncertainty,
“If it goes long… can you tell you don’t wanna do it anymore?”
“It depends on the team, the command, Nyla. I don’t get to walk away just because I miss you and dada. I have to live with that and do the job. But if there are factors that line up after a while and tell us that we won’t be going anywhere, then we could pull out without successfully completing the task.”
“So… you might stay for months and not even do what you went to do?” Scout frowned, “How’s that fair?”
“It’s not really fair,” Lucy admitted, “But it’s the risk we undercover officers take.”
“So… dada and I gotta keep waiting?” she asked, looking back at Tim who nodded with a sad smile,
“Yeah,” he breathed, “Life will go on, time will pass. We’ll still do everything we do, just… without mama.”
“But what happens when I need you big, mama?” she asked then, voice growing small, tears welling up in her eyes, “What happens when I want mama?”
“You tell dada and he’ll be there until I can,” Lucy said, voice cracking as the tears spilled from Scout’s eyes. Tim’s hand reached to cup her cheek, brushing the skin softly as the little girl cried, burrowing her face into Lucy’s shirt,
“But… you’ll come back, right?” she sniffled, looking up at Lucy, “You-You’ll come back. No matter how much it takes. You’ll still wanna come back and be dada’s Lucy and my mama? That won’t change, no matter how much time passes?”
“It won’t ever change,” Lucy said without missing a beat, cupping Scout’s face between her warm palms, “I’ll always come home to you and dada, baby. I’ll always be dada’s Lucy, and your mama. No matter how deep I go. No matter how far away I am. No matter who I pretend to be. I still carry you and dada in my heart. I still love you just as big.”
“Will you think about us?”
“Every day,” Lucy nodded,
“Even if you’re pretending?”
“Even if I’m pretending. Because pretending is just that – making things up. It doesn’t erase what’s real. It doesn’t erase what I carry in my heart.”
“Dada,” Scout’s little voice cracked, “You don’t like it.”
“I don’t.”
“Then why are you letting mama go?”
The question landed like a punch to the gut for Tim, and he met his gaze with Lucy’s for a moment before he spoke up,
“Because I trust her. And because loving someone means letting them do hard things. I’m very protective of mama, but she doesn’t need me to protect her. She needs me to support her in this. And that’s what I’m doing. Even if I’m scared.”
“Kinda-kinda how I stayed in the hospital even though I was super scared when-when you were there?” Scout asked, “This is the same? You’re scared but you’re still doing it.”
“It’s similar, yeah,” he nodded, “I don’t like it. You don’t have to like it either. But mama knows that it’s not something she did wrong that we dislike. It’s the job description we don’t like. And it’s the way it takes her from us that we don’t like.”
“Is-Is it true, mama?” she asked, lower lip quivering, “You-You know we don’t like the job, not you? You know we love you so, so, so big? Cause I-I don’t want you to think I don’t like you. I love you super big.”
“It’s true, starlight,” Lucy breathed, gulping down the emotions that stuffed in her throat, “I know you don’t hate me. It’s what Tim said – you dislike the job description. Not me. I know you love me. And I’ll never doubt that, not for one second.”
“Even-even if I can’t tell you that?”
“Even if you can’t tell me that,” Lucy confirmed, “Because I’ll still be able to hear your voice in my head telling me that. And I’ll still carry you in my heart.”
“Okay,” she nodded, “I don’t like that you have to go. But I still love you. And you promised to come back. So it’s okay.”
“Thank you for understanding,” Lucy whispered, “It means a lot to me.”
“She’s right,” Tim whispered, pressing a kiss to Lucy’s temple, “We love you and we support you, no matter what. Don’t ever forget that.”
This morning felt different in the Bradford-Chen household.
Scout had crawled her way into Tim and Lucy’s bed the night before, telling them about not being able to sleep because she had to say byebye to mama in the morning and it felt scary and wrong. They let her squeeze herself in between them, and Tim let Scout cling to Lucy the whole night.
Scout was woken up by soft whispers of her parents, but she didn’t care about listening in too much. She tucked herself closer to Lucy, and felt both of them press kisses to the top of her head. She stole a few more minutes, while they talked, before she felt more kisses, on her cheek this time, and two sleepy voices telling her it was time to get up.
She whined when Lucy slid out of the bed, and turned herself in all the grace of a sleepy bug, choosing to cling to Tim instead. He chuckled, pulling her up on his chest fully, his eyes watching Lucy walk over to their closet, and pull out the duffel bag, then reach for a few things that hung there, on her side of the closet. Scout whined, peeking one eye open, rubbing her cheek against her dada’s soft shirt, watching Lucy move with quiet precision, but the way her hands shook a little betrayed her.
They had the most amazing weekend together.
They spent the whole weekend attached to each other – they went on two hikes, one on Saturday, one on Sunday, Lucy was able to have a girls date with Scout, and a quiet date just with Tim too. Scout stayed with Penn in his and Celina’s apartment for an afternoon, but she didn’t fail to cling to mama as soon as she returned home. They spent every moment they could together, but it still felt like it wasn’t enough, for either one of them.
No amount of time would be enough when you knew that what was coming brought nothing but uncertainty,
“Mama’s packin’,” Scout mumbled, reaching blindly for Bear-Bear who was on Tim’s right side. He grabbed the plushy for her and handed it to her, and she squeezed him between them, as if she wanted to share with Tim, knowing that both of them were sad,
“Yeah, baby,” Lucy smiled sadly, rolling up a few t-shirts, sliding toiletries into a separate pouch, doing everything with precision that she thought would help make this feel easier, but it didn’t. Because whenever she’d look in the direction of their bed, she’d find two pairs of eyes that loved her more than she ever imagined she could be loved, looking at her like they were trying to memorize every little thing about her, because she’s going to become just a memory for a while.
Tim slid out of bed with Scout, and reached toward the closet himself. He tugged his navy blue and dark green flannel off of the hanger, and folded it for Lucy, handing it to her,
“For when you miss me,” he whispered. She nodded, sliding it into her duffel with a sad smile. Scout padded over to her then, barefoot, hair a little messy. She looked down at Bear-Bear for a moment, and then extended both her hands out toward Lucy,
“You should bring him with you,” she said. Lucy stammered, exchanging a glance with Tim,
“Starlight-“
“He’ll keep you safe,” Scout continued, “And when you miss me, you can give him a hug.”
“But… who are you gonna hug when you miss me?” Lucy asked,
“Dada,” she responded, looking up at him with a soft smile, “You won’t have dada or me there. Take Bear-Bear. He can help.”
Lucy knelt in front of Scout and took Bear-Bear from her hands softly, brushing her thumb over the fur,
“Are you sure?”
“He’s gonna help you feel not alone,” Scout explained simply, “He helped me a lot with that in the beginning. He’s real good with that.”
“I’ll take care of him,” Lucy whispered, tears welling in her eyes,
“And he’ll take care of you,” Scout nodded, stepping forward and wrapping her tiny arms around Lucy’s neck. Lucy stood up, one arm supporting Scout, the other one holding her close, Bear-Bear hanging from her hand. She looked up to meet Tim’s gaze, and he immediately closed the distance, wrapping his arms around them both.
The drive to Scout’s school was quiet.
They usually talked about plans for after school. For the weekend ahead. Scout and Lucy would practice singing. Tim would cheer them on. This morning, none of that seemed like it fit. The air in the truck was heavy with the weight of a goodbye that was creeping up on them with dizzying speed. The kind they couldn’t stop or slow time down for, to prolong what they had left with her.
Tim kept clutching the steering wheel so tightly, Lucy felt like he might rip it off. Scout kept quiet, eyes locked on her, as if she was trying to memorize every detail about her. She was already in her undercover fit – a pair of overalls, a white shirt, a bunch of necklaces and bracelets. She didn’t have heavy makeup on, and her hair was down. She didn’t look much different than her mama, minus the excessive jewelry. Her mama liked jewelry too, but the lowkey kind. The kind that had meaning.
The kind that dada got her.
When they pulled into the school parking lot, Scout unbuckled her seatbelt, but didn’t move to exit the truck with the excitement she usually moved with. Lucy got out first and opened the door for her. Scout immediately threw herself around Lucy, and she picked her up, letting her wrap her legs and arms around her like a little koala, how she sometimes called her,
“I’ll be back before you know it,” she murmured into Scout’s hair, and she shook her head,
“That’s not true. Four weeks is forever. And everything after that is even more forever.”
“You’re right,” Lucy swallowed, the weight of her words settling deep in her chest, “It is long.”
“But… you’re still coming back,” Scout said, lifting her head to look at Lucy,
“Yes.”
“Promise?”
“Yes.”
Scout nodded, then squeezed Lucy harder, burrowing her face into the crook of Lucy’s neck. Tim stood off to the side, watching the scene unravel. His hands were in his pockets, throat tight with emotion. He knew Scout would take this hard. And he knew that he had to keep himself steady. Not hide from her, not pretend. But keep himself steady enough so he could still provide for Scout. So he could still show up for her.
When Scout loosened her hold on Lucy, she lowered her down, her tiny feet planting on the concrete floor. She reached for her backpack, sliding it on her shoulders. Lucy crouched in front of her, cupping her face between her slightly shaky hands, and pressed a kiss to her forehead, then her cheeks, then the tip of her nose,
“Byebye, starlight.”
Scout shifted and pressed a kiss to Lucy’s cheek,
“Byebye, mama.”
Scout started to walk away, and Lucy stood back up, emotions balling up in her throat, tears welling up in her eyes. Scout didn’t turn around to look at her, and for a moment, Lucy thought it was a defense mechanism in a way – looking back at her would hurt her more than not looking at all. But then, Scout turned around suddenly and ran back, crashing into Lucy one last time, squeezing her tiny arms around Lucy’s middle, one final fierce hug.
Lucy held her just as tightly, and only let go once Scout did. She watched her run inside the building, without looking back. Lucy stood there frozen for a few minutes, trying to swallow past the lump in her throat. She felt Tim’s arm come around her shoulders. He pulled her in, pressing a kiss to the top of her head,
“She’s gonna be okay,” he whispered, though his voice betrayed him,
“I know,” Lucy murmured, grabbing a fistful of Tim’s shirt, “Just… hurts. I don’t know when I’ll see her again.”
Tim pulled to a stop in front of James and Nyla’s house.
The van was already parked there, prepared. Nyla had texted Lucy that she’ll be out soon. She was saying her goodbyes too.
Lucy slid out of the passenger seat with her duffel bag in hand, and Tim quickly rounded the truck, coming up to stand in front of her. She could see the composure in his eyes – the way he was trying his best to stay steady, to stay strong. But he was failing. Epically failing.
Fear was written all over his features. Longing had already settled deep into his bones, even though she hasn’t even left yet. He felt like a piece of his life had been taken from him, and he wasn’t sure if the world could keep spinning until it returned,
“Don’t shut down on her,” Lucy said gently, breaking the silence. Tim gulped, nodding,
“I won’t.”
“Hold her extra tight at nights. For me. And give her double the kisses for me,” she whispered, voice going up an octave, tears welling up in her eyes again, “You’ll find a stack of notes in my nightstand drawer. For her lunchbox. And… a few in yours too. For when you need me.”
“Luce…” he trailed off, pulling her into a hug. She dropped the duffel, wrapping her arms around his middle, burrowing into his chest, trying to memorize the feel of his heartbeat,
“I know you’re not meant to make promises that you can’t keep,” she mumbled against his shirt, looking up at him, “But I promise I’m coming back.”
Tim nodded, a broken smile spreading on his face, one hand reaching to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear,
“Don’t let it eat you alive,” he mumbled, “And don’t forget us.”
“I’m already counting down the days until I get to come back home, doofus,” she chuckled through tears, “I can’t ever forget you. You’re my whole heart.”
“Good,” he nodded, “Means you’ll always have a reminder of who’s waiting for you to come home.”
The door to Nyla’s house opened, catching Lucy’s attention. She let go of Tim, quickly wiping the tears with the back of her hand, while Tim reached for her duffel. He handed it to her, but before he let her take it, he cupped her cheek with his slightly shaky hand, and pressed a kiss to her lips. She kissed him back, chased his lips for another one, and they broke apart once the need for air won.
She took the duffel bag from him and nodded, gulping,
“I need to go.”
He nodded, watching her walk off to where Nyla waited for her. He watched them exchange a hug, then the side of the van opening and them putting their duffels in. Lucy quickly unzipped hers and reached for Bear-Bear, hugging it to her chest and then sliding the side door closed. She slid into the passenger seat and Nyla exchanged a glance with Tim, nodding. He nodded back, a silent vow exchanged between them.
He watched the van pull out of the driveway and disappear down the street.
Tim stayed there, hands in pockets, throat tight, heart already longing for the moment he gets to kiss Lucy again, to hold her again, to feel whole again,
“Hey man,” James’ voice rang from the doorway. Tim snapped back into focus, suddenly aware of how much time must’ve passed if James noticed he was still there,
“Sorry,” he apologized quickly, clearing his throat,
“Don’t,” he shook his head, walking out toward him, “Come on in. Let’s have a coffee together.”
Tim hesitated, but then nodded.
He didn’t have to be the hero. He could have a coffee with someone who understood the feeling that had been forcefully lodged into his chest, and won’t leave until Lucy’s there to take it out.
Nyla was driving down the road, closing in on the border. Lucy sat in the passenger seat, quiet, staring out the window, holding Bear-Bear in her lap, thumb brushing over the stuffie’s paw. If she imagined it hard enough, it’d feel like she was holding Scout’s hand. Her heart felt heavy in a way she didn’t know it could, and her chest ached with pain that she didn’t think she could feel,
“First goodbye is the hardest,” Nyla broke the silence. Lucy moved her gaze from the window to her, “I just said my goodbye to Leah for the first time. I understand.”
“It wasn’t any easier?” Lucy asked, “You already said goodbyes to Lila a few times, I’d assume.”
“Twice,” she nodded, “But no. It doesn’t make it any easier. It never gets any easier. Lila is bigger now. She understands a lot of things. Leah… she doesn’t. She doesn’t know what it’s like to not see mommy for weeks, months, years.”
“I didn’t think it’d hit me this hard,” Lucy admitted, voice wavering as she looked down at Bear-Bear, “I mean-Scout didn’t cry. She didn’t throw a tantrum. She just… asked a lot of questions and stayed close to me. She… asked if I’d forget about her.”
“And what did you say?”
“I told her forgetting about her will never be an option.”
“That’s a good response,” Nyla nodded,
“I thought I’d be… better at compartmentalizing.”
“It’s not that you’re not good at it,” she said, “It’s that you don’t want to do it, but have to anyway.”
That landed heavily.
She looked back down into her lap, her fingers xlexing around Bear-Bear.
She’d done this before. Solo, with Tim.
But it was different now.
Because she had something to lose. She had everything to lose. The man who’d rebuilt himself from the ground up and became someone she couldn’t imagine her life without. A little girl who sought her embrace because it meant safety.
She stepped into the undercover life when she was young, hungry for the thrill, eager to prove herself. Now… she was older. Wiser. She’d changed. She’d lost people, but she also gained them. She was a mama now,
“How do you do it?” Lucy asked quietly,
“I don’t,” Nyla admitted, “Not the way I should do it. It never felt right to leave Lila, but now I’ve got two daughters and two step-sons. That’s four different ways of asking the same question – if I’m coming back. And with Lila, I had to learn to answer without promising things I can’t guarantee.”
“You didn’t promise?” Lucy asked, looking back up at her,
“I promise to do everything I can,” Nyla explained, squeezing the steering wheel, “I don’t promise outcomes.”
“I promised Scout I’ll come back,” she admitted then,
“That’s okay,” Nyla said, “You weren’t making just a promise to her by saying that.”
“I wasn’t?”
“No. You promised that to Tim too. But mostly to yourself. That’s not a bad thing. It keeps your head in the game and you know where the finish line takes you.”
“She gave me her teddy bear,” Lucy said after a moment, voice cracking, “His name is Bear-Bear. It’s the first thing Tim had gotten her. She never parts from him.”
“For protection?”
“Yeah,” she nodded, “And for when I miss her.”
“Hold onto him then. No shame in needing a reminder of who waits for you at home.”
“Do you think Tim and James will bond over this?” Lucy asked then, making Nyla chuckle,
“I think James might try inviting Tim and Scout over for some play dates or something. But, for the sake of them both, I hope they do. This is James’ first time.”
“It’s not Tim’s first time,” Lucy said, “But it is his first time with Scout in the picture too. And it’s her first time. Do you… do you ever resent it? What the job demands from us?”
“I do,” Nyla said with a nod, “I resent that it demands pieces of me I’d rather give to my family.”
“Time,” Lucy realized and Nyla nod,
“Exactly. Even the most mundane days, even the ones that make my blood pressure spike. I’d rather have all of those than be away from them completely.”
“Is it stupid to say that I resent the world too, in a way?” Lucy asked then, “Because it’s makes the job necessary.”
“Not stupid at all,” Nyla sighed, “It’s a vicious circle. One you can fall into and keep spinning before you realize it’s a trap.”
Lucy nodded at that, shifting her gaze back to the window, deep in thought.