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He didn't mean it.
Jake knows that these are very weak excuses for such a terrible mistake, but it's the truth.
He didn't mean it.
The truth, is Jake had never been good with words, nor with feelings. On those points too, it was his twin Tommy who knew how to handle things. Whereas he was the brawn. The kind of guy who'd say "strike first, think later," kinda like a Viking.
He didn't mean it.
If, even when it comes to one-on-one discussions, the results are practically unpredictable, when emotions are added to the mix... it's a lost cause.
He didn't mean it.
Jake is a Marine; it's in his blood, in his skin, in his scars, in his memories. War, orders and negotiation—he knows them all. It was his job, his life. As for the rest, it's like flying a helicopter through the Hallelujah Mountains. Blindly.
He didn't mean it.
But of course, his emotions came to spice things up, his anger got the best of him, and he said it.
If you hadn't disobeyed orders, your brother would still be–
He did not mean it!!
But he said it.
And now Lo'ak ran away Eywa knows where and Jake royally, magnificently screwed up.
Most of all, he's afraid.
Afraid for his son.
Because he had time to see it. After he uttered those forbidden words, while Lo'ak angrily pushed him away, before he turned around and and ran away, he saw it.
This flame in his gaze. He saw it, and he recognized it. He had the same one, once. This flame that burnt in his guts, that consumed him, this fire that whispered to him like a snake: "you have nothing to lose anymore".
This blaze that led him to make some of the best decisions of his life—going to Pandora...
...but also some of the worst—accepting Quaritch's deal.
As he hit him and yelled at him, his son's eyes shone with that same desire, that same despair.
You have nothing to lose anymore.
So yes, Jake thinks he has every reason to be afraid. Afraid that his son will believe these lies. Lies that he himself planted and watered, little by little, drop by drop.
Ma Eywa, what have I done?
He runs after his son.
"Lo'ak !"
He shouts his name. Several times.
"Lo'ak !!"
But as much as his son has a knack for standing up, he also knows how to disappear when he doesn't want to be found.
Think hard, Jake. When you were a hurt and lost teenager, where did you like to hide?
Someplace quiet. Someplace far away from people, noise, and stimuli. Someplace close to nature (that didn't exist on Earth, but he certainly would have loved to retreat to such a refuge). Someplace not too far from the village, so he wouldn't have to travel miles before he could finally relax.
Jake can only think of three places that tick all these boxes.
The fine sandy beach north of the Metkayina village.
The dune to the south-west.
And the group of islets surrounding the village towards east.
He doesn't have time to check them one by one.
So he listens to his instinct, which has never ditched him since he's lived on Pandora, and even before that. He has already seen Lo'ak hanging out with the clan's kids around the small islands.
He dives into the water and forms tsaheylu with the first ilu he encounters.
Come on, hurry up!
The waves crash against his face, and he holds his breath as long as he can before asking the animal to come back to the surface, just as Lo'ak, his little boy, has taught him.
Very soon, the first islet is in sight. Small, covered in bluish sand in the night light, but above all, empty.
He continues to slalom between the sand islands.
And then, the moonlight intersects with a shadow, a little further away.
Jake narrows his eyes. He recognizes this tall yet slender shape, this tail that rips through the air like a whip, this azure blue complexion, signature of the clan that once welcomed Jake among their own.
As he gets closer, he also recognizes the shiny black object that the figure is holding in its hand.
Jake has his head above water, yet he feels like he's suffocating.
"Lo'ak, NO!.."
Then, it all happens very quickly.
Later, Jake won't even remember jumping off the ilu's back without properly ending the tsaheylu, nor how he landed in the sand, his throat burning from screaming and his eyes wet from blinking.
For now, what he's well aware of is that he's holding his son in his arms as tightly as possible.
He does not know what's worse: that Lo'ak doesn't return the gesture, or that he freezes almost imperceptibly. As if he were surprised that his father even hugs him.
And at that precise moment, Jake no longer worries about the unspoken rule he's always imposed on himself, and allows himself, for once, to have a witness to his tears.
His heart starts to beat again with renewed energy as Lo'ak's body relaxes and, in turn, lets out his emotions.
Jake holds him even tighter.
He has to restrain himself though, for fear of suffocating him. And then he realizes how small his boy is. So frail. So... young. Only 14 years old.
And when he thinks he might never have reached 15... When he thinks he would have been ready to–
Jake hates himself.
His eyes burn.
He has the weird sensation that his hand too is emerging from a blaze, after he's grabbed that damn weapon that now lies far away, near the shore. Another day, he might have worried that it'd be swept away by the swell, because that kind of rifle is hard to find.
But that night, he will be delighted to see it sink into the sea and never resurface.
If only all their suffering could disappear as easily as an object falling into the sea...
He knows that it will take much longer for each member of their shattered family to pick up the pieces, one by one. He also knows that, whatever he says tonight, this will never be enough to repair the damage done.
Jake regrets being so bad with words, that night more than any other.
It leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. He should, more than anyone, be able to comfort his son. Because his grief is far from unknown to him. On the one hand, because the void Neteyam left behind him weighs on Jake just as heavily as it does on Lo'ak.
But above all, because he understands the pain of losing a brother better than anyone.
It's been 16 years since Tommy died now. 22, if you count the years Jake spent in cryosleep. Yet, some days, the wound feels as raw as if it were from the day before.
A twin brother leaves such a deep mark on the flesh that it is indelible.
Jake at least had the chance to spend his entire childhood with Tommy. To see him fall in love for the first time, to see him graduate from university, to see him thrill with passion as he told him each week what he had learned about Pandora.
Lo'ak will never know any of this.
There are so many things Jake would like to say to him. Yet he is unable to utter anything coherent.
"I am... sorry, so- I'm so, so sorry, son..."
But he will do his best. He promises himself that.
"I didn't mean what I said, it wasn't your fault, I apologize, so much..."
And he meant that.