Archive of Our Own

“Colin?” Penelope asked with a hesitant knock as she stood at the doorway of his study. He looked up at her instantly, his eyes a storm of emotions she did not dare name. “I know you do not wish to be around me but I… I was hoping you might have a moment to speak with me. It should not take long.”

“Penelope, it is not that I…” Colin began, conflict melted into every crease on his face as he tried to find the words. Eventually, he gave up and sighed. “Yes, I have a moment.”

Moments had happened like this so frequently recently, and each one became harder and harder for Penelope’s heart to bear the weight of. Moments where Colin came so close to comforting her, to giving her the reassurance she so desperately needed, to forgiving  and understanding her, but never quite making it. The almosts that lay in the distance between them were constantly chipping at her soul, carving out the painful realisation that she was the biggest almost of all. Almost worth forgiving, almost worth listening to, almost worth understanding. She should have been used to not being good enough, it was something that had been more fact than feeling growing up with her family, but she had been so far away from everyone’s expectations she had been sensible enough not to yearn for being enough. Now, with the man she had loved so dearly for so long, it was a great deal worse, because she knew how close she had come to being enough for him, and now she had to live with the knowledge that, once again, she had not been worth it. 

She pushed her own heartbreak aside as she stepped into the room and sat across from him. “I do not want you to call on Cressida tomorrow.”

His eyes sharpened with frustration. “We have already discussed it, it is the course of action that makes the most sense-”

“I never said that,” Penelope pointed out, tone a tad more combative than she meant it to be. “And, to be frank, you did not discuss it with me, Colin. You discussed it with Eloise and my mother.”

Her husband frowned, not confirming her claim, but not disputing it either. “What do you suggest then? How do you propose we solve this problem?”

“I propose that I solve this problem by paying Cressida the money and making this situation go away.”

“And when Cressida decides that that sum is not enough?” Colin questioned, jaw hardening along with his voice. “When she decides that she, in fact, would like more money? And then more after that? It is clear that you have made a lot of money from Whistledown- far more than I know- but there will come a time when money will not be enough.”

He sounded bitter when he spoke, but not bitter about her money, bitter that she did not tell him about it. It was entirely unfair, in her opinion. Her husband could not keep her at arm’s length and then be unhappy because she stayed there. 

“I… I do see your point,” she conceded with a grimace. 

“So you see why I must call on Miss Cowper, tomorrow, yes?” Colin asked, not giving her a chance to respond before looking back at his desk. “Well, if that is sorted I really should like to be alone so I may-”

“At least allow me to be the one to call on her.” 

His head whipped up once more as he stared at her. “Why?” 

“Because, as I said, I am Whistledown, it is my problem,” she told him. “I may- I may not be your mess anymore, but my mess is still mine, it is my duty to deal with it. This is not your issue, and though it is kind of you to offer to help me regardless, I would rather you not get involved if you do not need to.”

Colin simply stared at her, a sort of pain in his expression that made her heart ache for him. Oh, how she longed to reach out and comfort him. “Why do you insist on doing this alone? Why do you not want me to help you?”

“It is not that I do not want you to help me, it is only-”

“Then why will you not let me?” he questioned, his voice sounding as though it was on the verge of cracking. “You do not think I am good enough to help you? You think I will not be able to solve this problem?”

“No! Of course not!” Penelope cried out, horrified at the mere suggestion.

“Then why?!” Colin stood up, his volume raising with him. “You claim to love me, but how can you possibly when you do not need me for anything?!”

“How dare you?” she questioned, molten hot anger burning straight through her veins as she stood up too. “I ‘claim’ to love you?! My love for you has been constant and unwavering since the moment we met, which is more than what can be said for your love.”

“The hell do you mean-” he began, smoke practically coming from his ears, before he cut himself off. He leveled an accusatory glare in her direction. “Constant and unwavering? So when you ignored me for the entirety of the off season without telling me that I had done something to upset you, that was you loving me, was it?”

“That was me loving you when I did not want to! That was perhaps when my love burned the brightest because that is when I was doing everything I could to extinguish it!” 

“Oh, how lovely to hear,” Colin remarked, tone thick with sarcasm. 

“You can hardly blame me for not wanting to be in love with a man who quite clearly stated his lack of desire to court me,” she retorted and his guilty silence was all the answer necessary. “My love for you does not exist in relation to what you do for me, it does not exist because I need you, but because you are you. You as you are, Colin, is all I need to love you. And that love is as much a part of me as Whistledown. I could not remove it from my heart if I tried, and believe me, I have tried. And the worst part is that, even now, when you so clearly want nothing to do with me-”

“–That is not true–” 

“If I was presented with the option to rid myself of my love for you entirely and have it be as though it never existed, I still would not choose it, because I like loving you, I want to love you, I want to choose to love you. Which, I say again, is more than can be said for you.”

“And I say again, the hell do you mean-”

“You think I do not want your help? I want nothing more! But I want you to help me for the right reasons!”

“You are my wife! I took vows to protect you! What could possibly be a better reason than that?”

Tears sprung to her eyes as she all but shouted, “and that in itself is the problem!” 

“You are not making any sense, Penelope!” her husband yelled. “I do not understand you! I am trying to help you and I am still somehow failing you- What do you want from me?!”

“I want you to help because I am me! Not because I am your wife!”

Silence engulfed the room as the words settled in the air between them. All Colin did was look at her, eyes wide, as if she were a painting he was trying to process the meaning of. Penelope wished to speak, but every word she thought to say rose to her throat and lodged itself there, refusing to move even an inch. Finally, in a voice so small she nearly missed it, Colin asked, “what do you mean?”

“If Miss Cowper spreads this gossip, it will besmirch your Bridgerton name. You will not stand for anyone blackmailing your wife,” she said, all of those words finally spilling out, though the tears in her eyes did not. No, they shimmered and they blurred her vision, but they did not fall. “It is all about reputation, not me.”

Her husband’s gaze turned incredulous. “You cannot seriously think that.”

“What else am I to think? You have not once asked me if I am alright, you have not expressed any concern for me whatsoever, your first and only reaction has been thinking about how to protect your family name above all else. And I understand that, of course I do, but…” she sighed. “When I came to you, I did not expect your help, but I had hoped, if you did… I had hoped you might help because you still care for me, but I know that you do not and-”

“I do not care about you?” Colin barked out a laugh of disbelief before fixing a sharp glare in her direction. “Oh, yes, of course I do not care about you. That is why I have been wanting to tear my hair out at the idea of not being able to help you. That is why I have been sleeping on the settee in front of your bedroom instead of a different bedchamber entirely. That is why I married you-”

“You married me out of obligation!” Penelope could not stop herself from objecting, her heart wobbling in her chest at the memory she had tried so hard to shatter and exile from her brain entirely. Instead, the shards had spread to every part of her, making every one of their interactions more painful than the last, because now there was no part of her body that did not know the oh so agonising truth. “You married me because you are a man of honour, because our intimacy was part of my planned entrapment, those were your words, were they not?”

Guilt flashed in his eyes. “Penelope-”

“You cannot turn our marriage into what you want it to be when it suits you,” she told him with a voice that could cut glass. It was a voice she scarcely, and one she never thought she would use on Colin in a thousand lifetimes. “It cannot be an entrapment and also something you chose to enter because you care about me. Those are not two definitions that can exist at the same time and I cannot bear to think about which one is the truth.”

“Pen-”

“For you to change the foundation of our marriage so brazenly- it is cruel and it hurts. It hurts, Colin.” 

Her hand thumped against her chest, she could not show Colin the mangled, battered state of her heart, but she hoped he might understand anyways, and judging from the vaguely pained expression, she thought that he did. 

“I do not mean to hurt you,” he finally murmured, looking away from her. “The entrapment comment, that was… I should not have-”

“Please, do not,” she shut her eyes, desperately trying to contain her tears. “You said it because that is what you believed, I do not blame you for that, though you must know- if I had realised that our intimacy would lead you to feel so suffocated in our engagement and our marriage, I would have stopped it. I never would have let you make such a mistake with me if I had understood.”

“Penelope, I do not think of our intimacy as a mistake-”

“It is my fault, really,” she continued, roughly scrubbing at her face. “You have always been a very good man. Too good, too honourable to jilt me. You could never have called off the wedding, but I could have,” Penelope took a breath, her eyes screwing shut momentarily. “I should have. I am sorry I did not.”

His eyes snapped up, locking with hers. “What are you trying to say? Do you regret marrying me?”

Penelope hesitated. That was not quite right, but, “I regret being the reason that the Bridgerton name is in peril yet again, and I regret putting you in a position where you are now obligated to help me. I was selfish, I wanted to marry you because- well- I love you, and maybe some foolish part of me had hoped… It does not matter. I understand now that I would have been doing you a much greater kindness if I had called off the wedding and I apologise, but this is a mistake that can be undone.”

“Would you stop using the word mistake?!” Colin snapped before her words seemed to hit him. “You plan to undo our marriage? How?” 

She sighed internally, Penelope had thought of this plan before she came into the room, she had simply been hoping that she would not have to suggest it. Mentally, she prepared for the pain that was sure to come with saying the words aloud.

“If I were to write a letter to the queen and confess to everything, it would neutralise the threat of Cressida’s blackmail and,” Penelope paused, the awful words of her mother ringing around in her head. She wanted to keep her voice measured, but the moment her next word came out, she failed, “it would make it quite easy for you to request an annulment.” 

“An annulment?” Colin questioned in a tone she could not decipher. “Have you gone quite mad?”

“Nobody knows that you knew of my being Lady Whistledown before our wedding, and they certainly do not know of our relations. I would say that, given the exceptional circumstances, an annulment would more than likely be granted if you chose to-”

“I do not want any bloody annulment,” he said, rage coating each and every one of his words. “And, correct me if I am wrong, but are we not trying to silence Cressida to stop you from facing the queen?”

“Yes, but we must be honest with ourselves, Colin. We can end Cressida’s threat, but it will be only temporary. Genevieve, discovered me-”

“The seamstress-?”

“Eloise figured it out, you caught me, and now Cressida has somehow uncovered the truth. We can try to bury this secret as far down as we can, but it will only be a matter of time before someone comes back with a shovel. And I realise now that the more I try to hide my secret, the longer I delay the inevitable. The truth will come out eventually, at least this way I have some control over how. And when I do have to face the long overdue consequences of my words, I would rather the brunt of it falls on me. I do not wish for any harm to come to you or your family because of me. I have brought enough ruin onto your family as it is, I cannot do it again.”

“That does not mean that an annulment is the solution.”

“It is the perfect solution. As far as the ton would know, the Bridgertons would be a kindhearted family that took a poor, pathetic little flower under their wing only to be used and betrayed in the name of gossip. They would not blame you for ending our marriage, they would praise you for escaping from the underhanded, manipulative woman that tried to trap you-”

“Enough!” Colin all but shouted, startling her into silence. “Do not dare refer to yourself in such a way again, I will not hear it, Penelope.”

Penelope blinked, not entirely sure what to do with the severity of her husband’s (for now) reaction. “Colin, I am merely trying to make you see that an annulment would be the perfect way to protect your family name and-”

“And turn you into the most hated person in England?” Colin questioned. “You would be okay receiving the wrath of the entire ton? Of the Queen?”

“I am well versed in receiving cruelty from the ton, their wrath can not be so different,” she scoffed before softening ever so slightly. “And I would. Be okay with it, that is. I would take the hatred of the entire world if it meant you would be loved.” 

Colin blinked at her, his face inscrutable, before he shook his head and muttered furiously. “There will be no annulment.”

A groan escaped her lips. “But, Colin-”

“No, Penelope.”

“If you would only listen to reason-”

“There is no reason that could convince me.”

“It would protect you. Your mother and sisters and your brothers. You do not have to attach yourselves to my problem and be dragged down with me!”

“It is not up to you what we do.”

Penelope grimaced, those words infuriated her now as much as they did the first time he said them, only this time she was not afraid to show it. “Well, perhaps it should be! Because you would choose to face the consequences of a scandal that is not yours! I am trying to help you and you will not-”

“I do not care! I will not, nor will I ever be requesting an annulment!” He insisted, the stubborn man that he was. 

Frustration prickled at her skin. “You will truly let your own pride stop you from doing what you know would be best?”

“For God’s sake, Penelope!” Colin’s voice raised louder than she had ever heard before. “How many times must I say it?! There will be no annulment. I. Do. Not. Want. One.”

“But why not?!” She questioned as her volume rose too. “I do understand, I am giving you the perfect escape from me and you will not even consider-”

“I do not want an escape from you, damnit! I love you, Penelope!”

Her husband’s declaration startled her into silence. It was the sentence she had longed to hear, quite desperately, since their wedding day. In truth, even hearing him admit that he still cared for her would have been enough. She was supposed to feel elated, she wanted to feel elated, Colin still loved her! It was her heart’s deepest desire, and yet, when she heard it said aloud, it only filled her with a bittersweet sensation. He loved her, she loved him, but they were still worlds apart, and closing the distance was feeling more and more impossible. 

“You… You love me?” Penelope could not stop herself asking, her voice hoarse. She needed one more confirmation, one more reassurance that he had really just said the words she had been craving to hear for so long. 

“Of course I do!” Colin said, and though she was not sure why he said it as if it were an obvious truth when it was anything but, she remained silent. It did not feel as good as she hoped it would, nor as right. “God, help me, even now, after everything that has happened, I love you. Do you know how confusing it is to know that you love someone with your entire heart, even when you are questioning if you even know them?”

“I know very well what it is like to love someone who feels like a stranger to you,” Penelope replied, her mind flashing to the off season when Colin’s letters would come in week after week and she would stash them away and refuse to acknowledge their existence. Recognition flashed in Colin’s eyes, she imagined his mind was going to the same time. “So, while I do understand your struggle, you must realise that I am still the Penelope that you grew up with, Colin. You do know me.”

“I know Penelope, I do not know Lady Whistledown,” he told her with a tone of ice. 

“We are one and the same!” Penelope exclaimed, frustration seeping into her words. “And, in a way, you are right- you do not know the side of me that is Lady Whistledown, but you have not even tried to know. You have not spoken to me or tried to have a real conversation with me- perhaps, if you did, you would realise I am not the heartless villain you think Whistledown to be!” 

“I never said-”

“You did not have to,” she cut him off. “I am not afraid to admit that I have made mistakes with Whistledown, what I wrote about you at the beginning of the season being one of them. I was angry. I was furious with you for speaking about me so cruelly behind my back and then thinking you could come back into my life as if it had never happened, and I hated how you were trying to be someone you were not. I missed you, and I was infuriated with you, so I did the only thing I could think to do, I wrote. I know now that I should not have, and I am sorry for that. By the time I realised what a big mistake I had made, it was too late, the column had already been distributed.”

Colin was staring straight at her, but Penelope could not figure out what he was thinking. “And what about when you nearly ruined Eloise? When you did ruin Lady Crane?” 

“Do you think I wanted to write those columns, Colin?” she questioned. “I assure you, I did not. It nearly destroyed me both times, but I felt as if I had no other choice. With Eloise… the queen was after her, she was planning on confessing to being Whistledown, I had tried to talk her out of it but she was set in her decision. I thought about coming forward then but I had no guarantee that the queen would believe me, even if she even agreed to see me at all. She might have thought I was merely taking the blame for Eloise. I did not want to nearly ruin her, but I could not think of what else to do at the time. I hated myself for doing it, but I felt as though I did not have a choice. It was the only thing I could think to do. I was young, and wreckless, and all I cared about was keeping Eloise away from the Queen’s ire.” 

Colin’s eyes were wide as he processed the information. “I… I did not realise Eloise had planned to pretend to be Whistledown.”

“Of course you did not, you never asked,” Penelope’s tears finally fell as her gaze dropped to the ground. “As for Marina… Colin, after I wrote that column I came to your garden and Eloise held me as I cried my heart out. I felt wretched for having written it, despite how cruel Marina had been to me that night, I still-” 

“She was cruel to you?” Colin questioned abruptly. When Penelope looked at him, his brows were furrowed. “How? What did she say?”

She sighed, it was not a memory she particularly wanted to recall the specific details of. “It does not matter anymore-”

“Penelope,” he said sternly, “it matters to me. What did she say?” 

“She said…” she bit her lip, pain flooding back to her as if she were hearing the words for the first time once more. “She said that you viewed her as a woman, and that I was no different from Eloise or Hyacinth in your eyes. She said- she said that my love for you was an unrequited fantasy.”

“She truly said that?” Colin asked tightly as he seethed. “How dare she speak to you in such a way? What right did she have to assume my feelings and make such arrogant declarations on my behalf? To think, I once felt guilty for calling her a cruel woman when she was in fact-”

“Colin,” Penelope cut him off with a sigh. “She was not. Cruel in how she treated you, with her disregard for your feelings, yes. But not a cruel woman overall, and certainly not with regards to me.”

There was a moment that passed between them, coated in disbelief, and then, “how can you possibly say that after what she said to you?”

Because I did something worse to her,” Penelope responded, unable to meet his eyes. “I exiled her and her unborn child to a life of ruin- She was lucky that Lord Crane asked her to marry him and that she is able to live a life contentment, but her life could have been much worse, and it would have been my fault. If I am to think of her as cruel for merely hurting my feelings, how am I to think of myself?” 

Colin frowned at her. “You are not a cruel person, Penelope.”

“And neither is Marina. We both made mistakes, though mine was admittedly on a graver level,” she could not help but flinch at her own admission. “You must know, I did not write that column because she hurt my feelings-”

“I did not think that,” Colin told her with a great deal of haste. “I… I understand that you had your reasons, and I am sure that your conversation had very little to do with it.”

“That conversation may have reduced my guilt in the moment of writing it, and I would be lying if I said my own feelings for you played no part, but I would have written that column no matter what. I had heard of your plans to escape to Gretna Green, and I had also begged Marina not to go- to choose anybody else other than you- it was why her insult came about in the first place- but she would not listen to me and I knew I had to do something before you left. It was one of the hardest columns I have ever had to write, but at the time I was certain that I was doing the right thing. You said I did not tell you because I did not respect you, but you did not believe me when I told you of her soldier, I had no guarantee that you would believe me if I told you that she was with child, or that you would not marry her anyways. I did what I thought I must to stop the union.”

Guilt flashed in her husband’s eyes as he confessed, “if she had told me, I would have married her. It would have been a horrible mistake, but I was young and I believed myself to be in love, I did not yet know what true love really felt like, I did not know what it was to love you, or perhaps my heart did and my brain had not caught up yet.”

“I know you would have married her, because you are a kind, good man,” Penelope smiled, wishing to reach out and stroke his cheek. His words made her heart race, but she ignored it, she would not be able to say her next sentence if she did not. “If I am being entirely honest, I have been wondering recently if perhaps you would have been happier if I had never written what I did, if you had been able to marry Marina the way you planned.”

He simply gaped at her, his jaw floor practically at his shoes. “You cannot be serious. I tell you that you made me realise what true love is and you tell me that you have been wondering if I would be happier being married to another woman?”

“You did want to marry her, you cannot deny it. And perhaps, once you had come to terms with Marina’s initial deception, you might have been able to make the best of the situation. Marina chose you for her plan because you were the only gentleman who she felt she could have had a drop of happiness with, you might have been able to find that in your life together,” Penelope explained, wishing she could be anywhere else. “But more than any of that, Whistledown would not have been your problem.”

“Penelope-”

“If you had married Marina, you never would have chased down my carriage or proposed, I most likely would have married Lord Debling–”

“– I do not want to think about that!–”

“And you would have had no obligation to help me with Whistledown, you most likely would not have known about me being Whistledown at all… Would that not have made you happier?”

“Of course not, any reality where you are not my wife would make me miserable, and I would really rather you stop imagining such scenarios,” Colin said with a scowl. “Penelope, I admit that I thought I wanted to marry Marina in that first season, and perhaps if circumstances had been different than maybe I would have, but, as I said before, that would have been an awful mistake, one that you luckily stopped us from making. And Marina may have thought she could find happiness with me, but I am not so sure that that is true. She would have resented me for not being George Crane, I would have realised that I was in love with you and then started resenting her for not being you, for being the reason I could not be with you. Not to mention the fact that I would be fighting a desire to murder Lord Debling at all times for being the lucky halfwit that got to marry you when it should have been me.” 

“You really think you still would have fallen in love with me?” 

“I would fall in love with you in any lifetime and any reality,” Colin told her, a sincerity to his gaze that took her breath away. 

Penelope could only stare at her husband. She wished to close the distance between them, to pull him into an embrace and bridge this awful, awful gap that has been engulfing everything good and hiding it from the light. “I do not understand how you can say such romantic things to me and still be so distant from me.”

“I do not want to be, Pen,” he admitted with a sigh. “I wish to be close to you, that is what I always wish for, but you must understand, I… I am processing a lot.”

“Of course I understand,” she told him instantly. “I never expected you to come to terms with Whistledown in a day. What I do not understand is why you have not talked to me about it. This is the most we have discussed Whistledown since the night before our wedding, and I have had to nearly force you into having both of these conversations, why have you never simply… asked me yourself? Why have you not let me help you understand why I write Whistledown? Why have you insisted on shouldering this alone?” 

“I…” Colin sighed, conflict playing out on his face. “Perhaps I should have come to you sooner, I will admit that… It is only- I suppose I struggle to talk about Whistledown because I am- I am…”

“You are?” Penelope encouraged gently.

He looked away from her as he confessed in a whisper, “I am ashamed.”

“Ashamed?” she questioned, dread curdling in her stomach. “Ashamed of the fact that you are married to Whistledown?” 

“What? Penelope-”

“It is fine if that is how you feel,” she interrupted, playing with her fingers mindlessly, desperate to find some sensation to distract herself from the sickness that was trying to devour her whole. “But, if that is the case, then I really would suggest that you consider requesting-”

“Penelope!” Colin cut her off, his voice stern before immediately softening with her his next sentence. “I promise you, that is not the case at all. I could never be ashamed of being married to you. I am- I am ashamed of myself.”

“Yourself?” Penelope asked incredulously. “Why?” 

“Because I…” he reluctantly allowed his eyes to meet hers. “Because I have been jealous of you. I am so sorry.” 

Penelope could only blink at him, trying to comprehend his confession. “I do not understand.”

“Penelope, you- you created Whistledown from nothing. All you had was ink and parchment and you turned it into the most read column in all of Mayfair. I have travelled the world trying to find purpose in life and you found it in your bedroom. You are extraordinary, Pen,” he said with a smile that somehow managed to be adoring and melancholy at the same time. “And, if I am being honest, I am not sure if I can compare to you, if I will ever be able to compare to you.” 

“Colin,” Penelope began, disbelief already clear as day on her face. “Our relationship is not some sort of competition, you never need to compare yourself to me-”

“It is hard not to when you are the most popular author in the entire ton,” Colin scoffed. “Meanwhile, I write meaningless scribbles in my journals-”

“It is so much more than that!” she found herself defending instantly. “Colin, when you write about your travels, you immerse your readers in your tales. I read only one passage and I felt your emotions bursting so clearly from the page, it is part of why I adore your writing so, because it is so distinctly you. You possess a depth of emotion that no other man of the ton has. It is that emotion, that empathy and sensitivity, that makes your writing so wonderful. Yes, I have found a lot of success with Whistledown and I will not deny or diminish that, but that does not take away from the quality or value of your writing. If you published your manuscript, I am certain that you would find great success. But if you ever do decide to take that leap of faith, you must do it for you, because you want to see what you can do, not because you are trying to compare yourself to me in some way.”

“I would like to publish my manuscript eventually,” her husband admitted. “But how would I know that I deserve any success I might find? What if people only read the book because of my last name?” 

“They might open the book because of your last name,” she conceded because, as much as she wished to encourage Colin, she could not deny that reality either. “But it will be the quality of your writing that makes them read it. It will be the captivating nature of how you present your stories that will have your readers going from first page to last in one sitting. Yes, it might be that being a Bridgerton provides you with some advantages, but it is your talent that will prove you deserve said advantages, regardless of what last name you bear.”

For a moment, Colin simply stared at her, face painted with a small coat of disbelief that Penelope did not understand. “How do you make it sound so simple?” 

All Pen could do was shrug. “Because, in my head, it really is that simple, I suppose.”

He was silent before pulling her into a hug that caught her entirely off guard. “I cannot thank you enough for your support, Pen, it means the world. And I… I am sorry that I have not shown the same support for your endeavours with Whistledown.” 

“I understand why you have not,” Penelope admitted with a sigh as she pulled away to look at him properly. “I know how much distress Whistledown has caused for you in previous seasons, you have every right to your conflicted feelings, but I do hope- now that you have heard my reasoning for the worst of my columns, that you might understand me a little better now.”

“I do, I definitely do, Pen,” Colin nodded instantly. “I only wish it had not taken me so long.”

“I do not care about how long it has taken you, Colin,” Penelope reassured him. “I only care about you being here with me now, standing by my side because you want to be here.”

“I shall always stand by your side, there is nowhere else I would rather be,” he told her softly, bringing his hand to rest on her cheek. “I love you with everything I am, everything I’ve been and everything I hope to be. I love you with my past and I love you with my future. I cannot promise you that I will not always be a perfect husband, that I will never make missteps, but what I can promise you is that I will try. I will never stop trying to become better than my mistakes, and even if I do not always get it right, I will always try to love you the way that you deserve.”

“Oh, Colin,” she sighed, tears pricking at her eyes, her heart almost overwhelmed by the affection that was filling it. “Promise me one more thing?” 

“Anything, my love.”

“Promise me that you will always talk to me, that you will try to solve problems with me, not for me. I want us to work together, Colin, to be a team. I do not need saving, nor do I want to be saved, I only want you.”

“You have me, and I swear to you that I will never allow such silence to fester between us again,” he told her, his voice serious, though there was still that touch of gentleness to it that felt rather distinctly Colin. He smiled, turning to the desk, picking up a piece of paper and handing it to her. “Here. Look at what I was reading before you came in.”

Her eyes scanned the page. “Is this one of the letters I sent you on your first tour?” 

Colin nodded. “I know that my recent behaviour may make it hard to believe, but I have wanted to understand you, Pen. My mind could not merge the Penelope I have always known with Lady Whistledown, but reading these letters makes me see more than ever that you are her, you have always had one voice. I know that now, I will never forget it again.”

Penelope was not sure if she could smile wider if she tried. “I love you, Colin.”

“I love you,” he took the letter from her and gently put it aside, when he turned back to her his gaze dropped to her lips and Penelope’s breath caught in her throat as he asked, “May I kiss you?”

Penelope nodded without a second of thought, and when Colin leaned in, she felt oddly nervous, as though they were having their first kiss all over again. In a way, she supposed that they were. Their first kiss in a new chapter of their lives, one where no secrets laid between them or held them back. Perhaps for the first time in their lives, they were on the same page entirely. And now, with this kiss, they were coming together in every way that mattered, and even in every way that didn’t, they were coming together completely. 

All of her thoughts left her head as she felt Colin’s lips against hers. Their first kiss was soft, hesitant, she could feel the delicacy of it, of the moment itself. The kiss was over as soon as it began, much to Penelope’s dismay, and once it was over, she and her husband merely stared at each other for a moment. Colin’s eyes were shiny with awe and disbelief, she imagined she did not look much different. Suddenly, Colin was surging forward and kissing her again with a sense of urgency. Something unlocked inside of Penelope. She had missed her husband since their wedding day, the distance between them unbearable, but now, feeling his lips pressed against hers once more, the intensity of her longing hit her all over again. She did not want to have a single increment of space between them. Her fingers wound into his curls, pulling him as close as she possibly could. Colin’s hands began tracing a path around her body, cradling her breast, drifting down to her waist, and then lower down to her hips. Eventually, he hooked his hands under her thighs and lifted her, turning quickly so he could place her on the desk, she squealed into their kiss as he did so. 

Colin began kissing her jaw, moving down to her neck as his hands tried pushing her sleeves down her shoulder. She let out a sound that equal parts moan and sigh, “Oh, Colin…”

“I must have you,” he confessed breathlessly. Her heart sped up in her chest as he gave her a grin. “And we really should ensure once and for all that we can have no annulment.”

At that, Penelope froze. “If that is the reason you wish to- I do not think that we- That is to say- that is not a reason to be intimate with someone. And I do not think-”

“Oh, Pen,” Colin interrupted her, his tone gentle, his grin softening to something more tender. “My darling, I was merely jesting. I wish to be intimate with you because- well- I have missed you. Terribly. Desperately. And now, all I wish for is to worship you the way I should have been doing since our wedding night.”

“You needed time to come to terms with everything, I do not begrudge you for that,” she murmured before taking his face in her hands. “Colin, are you sure? I need you to be sure.” 

“Of course I am,” he kissed her forehead, her heart leapt up into her throat. “Pen, I have truly seen you today, for all that you are, and I do not think I have ever loved you more. I want you, for the rest of my days. I am as sure about that as I am about the sun rising tomorrow.”

Tears welled in Penelope’s eyes as she marvelled at the beautiful, brilliant man before her. She could have recited a speech the length of a novel if she talked about how deeply she loved him but, in truth, Penelope was tired of talking. 

So. Very. Tired.

She grabbed his lapels, pulling him down and crashing her lips against his. From there, as much as Penelope wished to savour this moment, to cherish every second of truly being with her husband with no secrets between them, everything went in something of a blur. Hands were moving, buttons were being undone and clothes were shifting as both of their pants and moans filled her ears. Before Penelope knew it, her dress had been lowered to expose her breasts and Colin’s cravat, waistcoat and jacket had been thrown to the other side of the room. His dress shirt hung loosely off of his shoulders as she ran her hands over every contour of his muscles, enjoying how her husband shivered underneath her touch. His trousers and undergarments were pooling around his ankles. 

He kissed her, the intensity of it quite overwhelming, sliding his cock through her folds as he did. They let out simultaneous moans. “Good God, Penelope, you are already so wet for me, so ready.”

“I- I am always ready for you,” she confessed with the little air that she had left in her lungs. “I always want you, Colin.”

“I always want you too, my love, do not ever doubt that again,” he said with a whisper, though the words hit Penelope as if he had shouted it from the rooftops of Mayfair. 

Suddenly, he was stepping away from her, only the smallest amount, but she mourned their previous closeness all the same. Her thighs pressed together in an attempt to satiate the ache between her legs, though it was to no avail. Before she could voice her complaint to Colin, beg him to come back to her once more, he was dropping to his knees before her, gently prying her legs apart and pathing kisses up each of her inner thighs.

“Please, darling,” he said in a low voice that sent arousal shooting through her. “Allow me to taste you, I have been dreaming of it for so long.”

“You wish to… You have been dreaming of…” Penelope repeated, her brow furrowing as she tried to make sense of his words. “Taste me how?” 

He ran a single finger up her folds, making her gasp. “Here. I wish to kiss you here, to use my tongue on you here.”

All she could do was blink at him. “Men do that?” 

At that, Colin chuckled. “Real men do. May I?”

Penelope nodded immediately. She was not quite sure what to expect, but she was with Colin, the love of her life, a man she trusted more than anyone. She would go anywhere with this man, do anything, because nobody would ever make her feel safer. 

He pressed a quick, gentle kiss to her pearl. The feeling was unexpected but not unpleasant. He did it again, before flicking her clit with his tongue. Penelope practically yelped, her hand immediately going to grasp his hair. She was not entirely sure of all of these new sensations, she simply knew that she needed more of it. More of him.

His tongue continued to lap at her folds insistently but still with a touch of gentleness that was so distinctly Colin it set Penelope’s heart alight. She had never known that pleasure like this was possible. As Colin’s blessed lips sucked her clit, he slid a finger into her entrance, causing Penelope to let out a sharp gasp. Her hand had a firm grip on his hair, she would have worried about causing him pain if she had the presence of mind to do so. Truthfully, Penelope felt as though her mind had melted away, leaving her entirely immersed in a world of euphoria. It was not long before he added a second finger and, as Colin stroked her inner walls and stole all of the breath from her lungs, memories flashed through her mind. Colin’s hand gathering her dress up, the way he moved oh so slowly up her leg, the exhilarating curiosity that had thrilled her as he did so and pleasure. Spark after spark of pleasure until her body felt aflame with passion and desire. Penelope felt that way now, her moans growing louder, her breaths coming out shorter. She climbed higher and higher until she reached her pinnacle, shouting out her husband’s name in pure ecstasy, the beautiful sensation spreading all over her body. 

Once her peak had faded, feeling utterly boneless, Penelope fell against the desk, barely even registering the slight pain in her head as it hit the mahogany beneath her. 

“Penelope!” she heard her husband’s voice, laden with concern. Suddenly he was looking at her, bringing his hand to gently rest on her head. “Are you all right?”

“I am quite perfect,” Penelope giggled lightly. Colin’s eyes softened as he leaned in and kissed her. When he pulled away, she grinned. “Will you be doing that again at some point?” 

He chuckled, kissing her nose. “Oh, most definitely my love. Though, right now, I do believe there are more… Pressing matters to attend to.”

It took a moment for her to fully understand what he was referring to, but then he followed the direction of his slight nod to his cock, red and wanting and bobbing against his stomach. She could not stop herself from laughing even more. “Mmm, of course, most pressing indeed.”

Colin laughed, settling himself properly between her thighs, she could feel the proof of his desire poking at her entrance slightly, but she felt no need to rush this moment. Colin stared at her with a tenderness that made her want to cry. He leaned in and pressed a kiss against her forehead before cupping her cheek in his hand. “I love you.”

“I love you,” she breathed out as he began to enter her. 

Penelope felt no pain as she had before, a touch of discomfort, perhaps, but mostly she felt so very fully. Stretched in the best way possible. She rested a hand on Colin’s back and the other came to curl in hair. She whimpered out, “move. Please move, Colin.”

Her husband followed her request, moving within her slowly, kissing any part of her that he could. A path from her lips to her collarbone and then back up again. With each thrust he began to utter “I love you, I love you, I- oh- I love you, my beautiful wife.” 

“I-I love you,” she replied as best she could, when she was not completely immersed in her own pleasure. She scrambled to grasp his shoulders, his back, any part of him that she could reach, really. 

At one point, it all became a bit overwhelming for her, certainly not in a bad way, but in a way that made her feel very aware of how every nerve in her body was buzzing, she was aware of each and every emotion coursing through her with each passing second. Tears welled in her eyes before she could stop them. Colin, naturally, noticed immediately, slowing to stop. Penelope nearly groaned. “Pen, my love, are you all right? I am not hurting you, am I?”

“No, no, Colin, of course not,” she reassured him immediately. Penelope smiled as her hand came up to stroke his cheek. “I am only… Happy. I am so very happy.

Her husband’s concern immediately began shifting into a loving look as he leaned down and kissed her soundly. “I am happy too, Pen. I am not sure if I have ever been happier.”

He pressed a kiss against her grinning lips as he began to move again. His pelvis ground against her pearl with every thrust as he hit spots inside of her that she had not even been aware existed. Penelope found herself climbing towards her peak faster and faster. “Oh- o-oh- Colin, yes!”

“Does that feel good, darling?” Colin asked her breathlessly, his face contorting with pleasure. “I swear you were made for me, Pen. To take me, to be mine, all of it. I was made for you, to fuck you, to be your husband- made to love you. I’m yours, Pen. A-and you’re mine. You are mine. Say it.”

“I am yours, Colin! Only yours!” Penelope practically sobbed with pleasure. 

He moaned, his thrusts becoming a little rougher. “F-fuck.”

There was something about hearing her husband use such language while he was still inside of her, knowing that she was the one eliciting such reactions from him, that was unbelievably erotic to Penelope. Her moans only continued to increase in volume.  “I am… I believe something is…”

Colin, luckily, seemed to understand the message that her brain could not find the words for. He sped up his movements slightly, and it was the perfect thing. She was hurtling towards the edge of bliss, exhilaration lighting up every part of her. Her legs tightened around his waist. “Let go for me, my love. I want to see you finish, I wish to feel you finish all over my cock. I have you, darling, let go for your husband.”

And then she did. 

Her pinnacle nearly surprised her with how intense it was. It spread through her body at a blinding speed, her whole body was shaking with pleasure. Her entire being shimmered and glittered with euphoria. Colin held her through it all, kissing her shoulder up to her jaw as each sensation rolled over her in waves. And once she finally felt her soul return to her body, Colin laid a single, gentle kiss to her cheek before he started thrusting again, clearly finding his own release down. Penelope kissed his neck as his movements became wilder, his breaths coming out in a series of pants and curses. Colin babbled words of affection and praise that made her heart sing. Finally, he finished with a rather loud groan, filling her with his seed. Colin practically collapsed on top of her. He was crushing her, and Penelope knew that she would have to ask him to move eventually, but if she was being honest, she quite liked the feeling. So that was how they stayed as they both desperately fought to catch their breaths. 

Penelope was not sure how much time passed before Colin pulled out of her and rolled to the side. She instantly missed him, even though he was right next to her. 

“That was…” she began, trying to find a word to accurately summarise just how much it meant to her. 

“Everything. It was everything,” Colin finished for her. Of course he was able to find the word she had not even realised she was looking for. “I love you, Pen.”

“I love you too,” Penelope smiled, her heart bursting at the seams with love. 

He pushed a stray curl behind her ear. “So, allow me to ask what I should have from the very beginning of this Cressida mess, what would you like to do?” 

“I…” she hesitated for a moment. “I think I would still like to tell the Queen. Whistledown was never going to be a secret forever, and if I frame it in such a way that makes her think I confessed out of fear of her wrath and not due to any blackmail, she will think she has won, she may spare me.”

“That… that makes sense,” Colin agreed, though she could see the lines of worry forming on his face. 

“I should also like to send a letter to your mother.”

“My mother?” Colin asked with raised eyebrows. “Why?” 

“We do not know how the Queen will react, she may force me to reveal myself to the Ton, and if she does, I would hate for your mother to find out at the same time as everyone else. She deserves better than that. There have been times when Lady Bridgerton has been a kinder mother to me than my own, and by writing about your family, whether it be you or your siblings, I am sure it has hurt her as well. I would like to explain my decisions, apologise where I must, and let her know how much her kindness has meant to me over the years.” 

“My mother will understand once she reads your explanation, I am sure of it, ”he said. She felt her husband pull her closer to him. “It sounds like an excellent idea. 

Penelope sighed, resting her head on his chest. “Colin… We will have some difficult days in our future. If people find out that it is me behind Whistledown- they will likely not be kind. I have hurt people, and angered many more, they may stare- not just at me but you as well and really who knows what they will say-”

“Penelope,” Colin cut her off gently. “I know that it will not be easy, but I do not care. I am with you, I shall stand on your side no matter what. Whatever challenges come our way, we will face them. Together.”

Instantly, Penelope felt herself relax. She did not know what the future held for her, but she found comfort in knowing that she had Colin. With her husband by her side, she knew she could survive anything. 

They could survive anything. 

 “Together.”