Chapter Text
Ilya had felt it coming on for the past few days now. He had felt sluggish, tired constantly, and his mind was not fully connected to his body. Ilya tried to ignore it because he did not want to face the reality that he has depression and that it is something he needs to learn how to live with.
It had been only 2 months since Shane and him married, and a month and a half since they had come back from their honeymoon in Spain. Everything was perfect, everything Ilya had ever thought to dream for is now his reality and he couldn’t be happier.
But of course his brain had other plans for him and had to bring him back to Earth. When things are going so well, sometimes he feels like he has been ‘cured’ and he will never have to feel pain again. He knows how foolish it is and now he is paying the price.
Ilya hadn’t told Shane about how he had been feeling off because to be quite frank, Ilya did not want to believe it himself and thought he could shake it off. Shane was also getting ready for a vacation with his parents before his first season with Ottawa started—they were going to Paris.
Ilya could not ruin this for him.
Shane had told Ilya he should tag along with them, however, Ilya insisted Shane went without him. They had already spent time together on their honeymoon last month and Shane deserves some time to himself with his parents. Ilya is capable of spending a few days alone without his husband.
Now though, he selfishly wished Shane was here.
Ilya laid curled up under the comforters on the left side of the bed in a fetal position with Anya taking up the space where Shane usually would be. Shane would kill him if he knew he let Anya sleep in the bed, but he needed the company. Ilya thinks Anya can sense his emotions wafting off his body in waves. She was staring at him as if waiting for him to accept her comfort.
In reality, Anya was probably awaiting for her afternoon walk that Ilya and Shane always took her on. Ilya could not even tell you what time it was, he had not gotten out of bed, but he was sure it was around noon based on the sun shining brightly in the middle of the sky.
Ilya’s phone was on the opposite end of the bedroom, as he puts it there before going to sleep because he has been trying to not mindlessly scroll on it into the late hours of the night. Even though it was off season, Ilya still tried to get a good night’s rest because for one he lives with Shane now and he loves to stick to his routines and Ilya has tried to follow suit. Shane has really started to cut back from his perfectionistic tendencies, but it is a work in progress and establishing healthy routines was something they were working towards. So, waking up at certain times was one of his healthy steps.
Secondly, his therapist recommended he tries to get as close to eight hours of sleep as possible, not just for his health, but it helps with his medication. Ilya’s phone alarm that he sets to take his pill went off hours ago and he still could not find the strength to get up.
Any other day Ilya would have already gone on his morning run, taken a shower, made breakfast, and fed Anya (thank God for automatic feeders). Today, all of it felt pointless.
Pathetic.
His own mind was like his own personal hell. He despised the fact he had these kinds of thoughts because he does not believe them to be true. At least, he wanted them to not be.
When these negative voices plague his mind, all Ilya can think about is his mother. He never saw his mother as weak, pathetic, or incapable. She was the most endearing person he knew and pushed through whatever pain she was in to raise her children.
His mother was strong, so why can he not be? Why does it feel like he is forever falling into the void with no way of returning?
Ilya wants to be angry at the fact his medication is not doing its job to ‘fix’ him, but he knew that was irrational to think. He only started these anti-depressants two weeks ago and Dr. Mochalina had told him it can take four to six weeks to start feeling the effects. He also remembers her saying he may need to try multiple medications, it’s not a one size fits all endeavor.
Ilya was never going to be ‘cured’ and that was still something he was trying to grapple with because he hated feeling hopeless. He had finally gotten everything he wanted: a husband, a family, and he found his love for hockey again. Why was that not enough? He had everything going for him and he was still burdened with this illness.
Ilya was abruptly interrupted from his spiral when he felt the bed move. He languidly peeled his eyes open to see Anya laying right in front of him—her nose practically touching his as he feels her breath against his face. Anya lets out a small whimper, signaling she needs to be taken outside.
Ilya closes back his eyes as he takes a deep breath in and out.
Okay, time to stop being lazy.
“I do this for you.” Ilya states with a slight pout on his face as he looks at Anya.
Ilya slowly maneuvers himself from the safety of his and Shane’s bed. As his feet began to touch the cold floors, Anya follows suit by jumping off the bed immediately bolting through the bedroom to head to the back door. Not bothering to make the bed or put on his house shoes, Ilya trudges on towards where Anya is sitting patiently—wagging her tail.
“Come sweet girl.” Ilya says while simultaneously opening the door.
Anya immediately races past him and practically flies into the backyard.
Ilya and Anya were now taking a stroll through the small wooded area that accompanies his backyard. This was their usual route but they were going slower than usual in which Ilya didn’t even realize until Anya was walking way ahead of him. He whistled for her and she turned around and jogged back to Ilya’s side, brushing up against Ilya’s leg and matching his pace.
Looking down directly at Anya, Ilya says apologetically, “Sorry, papa is not well.”
Ilya was so in his head, but at the same time he did not feel like he was real. His mind was so fogged and he almost felt he was watching himself from afar. Anya was really the only reason he was up right now because if he had it his way he would still be sunken into the bed and allowing himself to wallow in his misery.
He would never harrow Anya with his own problems. The guilt would consume him and cause him to feel worse than he already feels. Besides, he is an adult, he can do something as simple as going for a walk. He was not entirely helpless.
The weather was beautiful out today, not too cold despite the slight breeze that was causing goosebumps along Ilya’s skin. He was so tunnel visioned on bringing Anya outside he didn’t even bother to grab a jacket or even his phone. He did not mind though, any sensation that made him feel anything other than the deep weighted agony in his chest was a saving grace.
The leaves on the trees have slowly begun to turn various shades of red, orange, and brown. They were something Ilya had begun to admire the beauty of since he had been with Shane. Objectively, yes, Ilya knows how pretty nature can be, but Shane noticed all the minute details which encompassed each season. Shane would’ve talked Ilya’s ear off if he was here.
It was in these silent moments where Ilya missed Shane dearly. On their walks with Anya he was usually the one filling the space, while Ilya listened intently. Shane would probably tell him about each new animal that made a noise they heard on their walk and what new hockey book he was reading. While Ilya loves to tease Shane, he enjoys the moments where he can just listen to the sound of Shane’s voice. It was a sense of normalcy that Ilya even after many years with Shane he still had a hard time comprehending.
If only Shane were here now.
He wondered if Shane had called or texted him today. Ilya had been so dissociated while laying in bed earlier that he would have no idea if his phone had went off at all. The only reason he had heard his alarm to take his medicine was because that was what had woken him up in the first place. It would probably be night time right now in Paris if Ilya could do the math on timezones correctly. He hoped Shane had thought of him throughout the day as much as Ilya has been thinking of him.
You are so needy it has only been two days.
“Shut up.” Ilya grumbled to himself, wishing his mind would give him peace for even just two seconds.
Anya looked up at Ilya tilting her head in confusion when he heard him speak.
“I am okay,” Ilya says as he bends down slightly to give her pets on the top of her head, “we should go back now.”
Ilya and Anya begin to turn around to make their trek back to the house and because Ilya’s mind is currently a torture chamber he starts to overthink again.
Shane was busy exploring the city and enjoying time with his family and Ilya was here being selfish over Shane sending a text. They had talked to each other last night, so why was that not enough for him?
Shane was only going to be gone for another day and a half. Ilya can suck it up and push through it and hopefully this episode will clear up soon so he is in his best shape when Shane comes back.
This episode was most certainly not getting better, in fact, Ilya felt like he was getting worse.
Each small task felt like he was constantly walking on spikes and he honestly felt like he could rip his skin off and feel no pain.
Fortunately, he was still able to do the necessary life functions he does on the daily. Even if it was physically and mentally taxing, he got it done and over with which should feel like an accomplishment in itself—it just left him feeling inadequate.
Any normal person would think he was insane for being on the brink of tears while brushing his teeth or taking a shower and just thinking about that made him feel like the most incompetent person in the world.
Ilya managed to take his medication earlier right after him and Anya got back inside from their walk. He had checked his phone which sat right next to his pill bottle to see if he had any missed messages. There were a couple from the Ottawa teams group chat which he could not even care to open. He did realize there were no calls or texts from Shane.
Ilya felt like he just got shot in the chest seeing no notification with Shane’s name attached to it. He had to quickly put the phone down or he would continue to spiral just staring at his lockscreen.
He started to aggressively shake out his arms and takes deep breaths while closing his eyes to keep himself from overreacting. Ilya reached to adjust his mother’s necklace with shaky hands as he held it tightly against his chest. Sometimes it is like he can feel her presence through it and that thought alone helps him from breaking down.
Dramatic. Selfish.
Ilya loudly groans as he turns and roughly throws himself back on to the bed that he left only two hours ago. He shoves his head into the mattress while reaching for a pillow and aggressively places into over the back of his head—hoping it would magically eradicate the demeaning thoughts he was having.
Ilya lets out a scream into the bedsheets until he starts to feel dizzy from not taking a breath. He should feel embarrassed with the way he is acting over something so miniscule, but in this moment he could care less—it made him feel better to externalize his emotions.
Ilya’s yelling must’ve been loud enough for Anya to be concerned because he hears her nails scratching the floor as she rushes to his side and practically melds her body into his side. Ilya flips onto his back and maneuvers the pillow to its proper place. He turns his head slightly to the side to look at Anya as he simultaneously moves his hand to run his fingers through her fur.
“You heal me just as much as Shane.” He says warmly, feeling a positive emotion for the first time since the waking up.
Ilya pulls the comforter up to cover both of their bodies as he closes his eyes—ready for a nap. He overslept and only awoken two hours ago, however, his body and his mind was exhausted and he deserves to rest is what he tries to tell himself.
“Do not tell Shane you slept here.” Ilya whispers to Anya as he and her slowly drift off to sleep.
Ilya hoped he dreamt about Shane, so at least his fantasies are not as painful as his reality right now.