Chapter Text
When Peter came home that day, he did so absolutely tired. Work had been a pain in the ass, frankly, and it had been for a while now. But a man needed to eat occasionally and therefore, a man needed to work. He allowed himself a few minutes to rest on his bed, stretched out comfortably while scrolling through recent news. Peter was used to read absolutely horrendous claims about himself or other masked fellows in various newspapers. Being truthful was optional for certain journalists. The more ridiculous a story, the more money it generated and journalists were chronically underpaid. He quickly learned to ignore whatever made-up story they printed in their tabloids. That did not mean he would ever stop reading them though. His curiosity was simply stronger than his aversion and knowing what the public thought of him was knowledge that shouldn’t be underestimated. And if he was honest with himself, he couldn’t deny that those stories were hilarious sometimes. Masked vigilantes definitely spurred peoples’ creativity.
So, when he read the news that evening, he thought he was prepared for whatever garbage those journalists were trying to sell to the public. He was corrected rather quickly. At first, everything appeared to be fine. Nothing unusual popped up, just some exaggerated reports about the last few crimes he had stopped and some popularity rankings of him and other heroes. As much as he appreciated his comrades in masks, seeing that he was always somewhere in the top five felt good. He was about to close the tab on his phone to get ready for his patrol as a few minutes of checking the news had already turned into an hour of scrolling again when a certain headline caught his eye. “Spider-Man and Deadpool caught red handed!” Peter sighed as he clicked on the link. This was not the first time someone tried to use the partnership between Spider-Man and Deadpool to connect Spider-Man to some sort of crime. Ever since Deadpool and Spider-Man had been seen together for the first time, people tried to twist it into some sort of bad influence narrative. Peter knew this would happen. It happened to everyone who was seen with Deadpool sooner or later. It was one of the reasons why he had tried to avoid the merc at first, but somehow, Wade was particularly talented at both finding and annoying Peter. Nowadays, Peter didn’t mind patrolling with Wade anymore. It had taken them a while to get to this point, but they gradually got to know not only the masked alter ego but the person behind the mask as well. What started as a reluctant one-time cooperation had turned into a friendship, despite Peter’s initial avoidance. As long as Wade kept his murderous tendencies in check, Peter would even go as far as describe Wade as one of his closest friends. He’d never admit it to Wade however, the man’s ego was already big enough, no need to boost it even more.
As fond as Peter was of Wade, he was not fond of the obnoxious article he was reading. It started no different than the others, just some recap of his last patrols sprinkled with minor alterations to make it look even more exciting to the reader. Everything was fine until he got to the part which was unmistakably the reason for the crappy headline. In the middle of the article, the journalist had included a photo of Wade and him, of Deadpool and Spider-Man. Peter vaguely remembered when the picture must have been taken. Wade had managed to get hurt on his arm while they were interrupting the plans of some idiots trying to rob a bank, so afterwards, Peter had demanded to take a closer look at the wound, despite Wade’s healing factor. He couldn’t stop himself from assessing injuries that happened during his watch, no matter who the injured was. The photo showed the moment he clutched onto Wade’s hand so he wouldn’t move his arm away. He had slightly leaned closer to Wade to inspect the damage. The picture was taken from somewhere behind Deadpool and whoever took it must have been either moving or simply used a very shitty camera. Possibly both, if the quality of the picture was any indicator. If Peter hadn’t been there himself, he would have had trouble understanding what exactly he was looking at. Unfortunately for him, but not unexpected, the article leeched on to this. The journalist had claimed he’d managed to catch an intimate moment between Spider-Man and Deadpool, even going as far to describe the photo as a photograph of them kissing. It was ridiculous enough to make Peter laugh, despite his annoyance. Who in their right mind would believe they had been kissing with their masks still on? Nobody liked fabric in their mouth. How this piece of unreliable trash journalism had been cleared to be published in the first place, Peter wasn’t sure. Then again, it was stuff like this that always dragged readers in.
He had seen enough bullshit for one day though. Peter closed the tab and finally pushed himself out of his bed. He got himself ready for the patrol, motions at this point second nature. After one last longing look at his bed, he left his apartment. His instinct told him he knew where Wade was right now and if they hadn’t agreed to meet somewhere tonight to patrol together, he would still make his way there, if only to show him the article he just stumbled across. Wade enjoyed reading those kinds of articles, the more ridiculous, the better.
Despite moving through the city quickly, he didn’t move carelessly. He kept his eyes peeled for even the smallest sign of suspicious activity, shady looking people, a loud noise, anything that triggered his senses, yet nothing seemed to be out of place. The lack of current crime didn't mean it would stay this quiet. The night was still young after all and a night without crime was a rare occurrence.
Soon, he pulled himself onto the roof he knew Wade was waiting on. It was high enough to allow them a good view of the city while keeping them at least somewhat hidden. The merc was sitting with his back towards him, overlooking the streets and quietly humming a pop tune Peter knew he should recognize but couldn’t. The scene could have been peaceful almost, if they had been able to enjoy this evening as Wade and Peter, not Deadpool and Spider-Man. Just some dudes hanging out in a place they shouldn’t be at instead of dudes in spandex keeping watch over the city. Their life wasn’t like that though, so here they were now, on this roof, still in spandex and equipped with abilities no human should have to begin with.
“Hey, Wade!” Peter called out as he approached the man, knowing damn well that Wade probably knew he was there. The merc had good senses, was always aware of his surroundings, otherwise he wouldn’t have been cut out for this job. And just like Peter could tell when Wade was around, he was certain Wade could sense him too. It wasn’t like Peter had developed those tells on purpose. It was just something that happened when he’d spend a lot of time with someone. Suddenly the rhythm of their steps became familiar, their breathing unmistakably unique, every single noise they made part of some song only they were able to produce.
“There you are, sweetheart. I was beginning to think you’d stood me up.” Wade didn’t bother to turn around as he spoke. It didn’t matter, as Peter was close enough to hear him anyway. He ignored the comment and instead took a moment to glance at Wade, checking up on him. The merc seemed content like this, sitting at the edge of the roof and gently kicking his legs. As Peter sat down next to him, Wade smiled, which Peter could only see because Wade had pushed his mask up slightly above his nose.
“Took me a bit longer to get home today and then I checked the news”, Peter explained as he tried his best to suppress a sigh. “You know how it is, you think you’re done for the day and suddenly another shitload of work needs to be done asap.” Wade nodded sympathetically. It felt good having someone around he could confide in, no matter if it was Peter Parker or Spider-Man business. There weren’t a lot of people in his life who knew both sides, so he was thankful for every opportunity like this.
“You could always quit and start to rob some banks”, Wade mused as he started to pat Peter’s shoulder. Peter allowed him to do this for exactly three seconds before he shook Wade’s hand off again. Wade hummed, slightly annoyed, yet he didn't complain. There was a time where Peter wouldn't have let himself be touched by Wade at all. “You’d have a talent for it, I think.”
“Are you trying to seduce me into a life of crime?” Despite wearing a mask that hid his facial expressions, Peter couldn’t help but glare at Wade in mocked revolt. The other man shrugged and then leaned back on his hands, probably aware of Peter’s hidden expression but pretending not to be.
“Is it working?”, he asked, as if he didn’t know the answer anyway.
“Obviously not.” Peter rolled his eyes as he clicked his tongue, yet he couldn't prevent the small smile that formed on his face. Being around Wade just caused that, sometimes.
“Then no, I wasn’t trying to turn you into a criminal. Even if it would be a field day for the public.” Wade laughed to himself, probably imagining the news coverage if Peter ever decided to rob a bank. The tabloids would go crazy. Unfortunately for Wade, Peter's morals would never allow this to happen. Sometimes, his work methods might've been a bit unconventional, but there were lines he'd never cross.
“Speaking of the public, did you see that newspaper article that claimed we were making out after a job?” He had almost forgotten about it if Wade hadn’t unintentionally reminded him. Though the fact that the merc hadn’t brought it up himself probably meant he had not seen it. There was no way Wade would pass on an opportunity to either embarrass Peter or flirt with him.
“God, no. Show me. Please!” Point proven. Wade really hadn’t seen it, but of course he wanted to. If their roles had been reversed, Peter would have been just as curious. He’d sat up straight again, facing Peter properly with an excited look on his face. It reminded Peter of a child waiting for Santa and he let out a silent laugh. Reaching into one of his hidden pockets, he pulled out his phone to search for the article.
“Here, look.” Peter had barely finished talking when Wade yanked the phone out of his hands. He wasn’t mad, though. He trusted the merc enough to know he wouldn’t do anything stupid with his phone and even if he accidentally dropped it in his excitement, his phone was protected enough to not immediately break on impact. Normally Peter wouldn’t bring his phone on Spider-Man duty, but occasionally, he had to. He had made sure long ago that his phone was prepared for those rare cases.
“Oh, damn.” Wade hadn’t said anything while he read the article, so it slightly startled Peter, who had begun to zone out next to him. When he turned his face to Wade again, he was still staring at the screen with a straight face, mouth silently moving as he re-read the report.
“Unbelievable, right?” Peter snorted as he thought about some particularly bad written claims. Really, why on earth would they kiss through their masks. Had whoever wrote this not considered how disgusting wet fabric would be? He wasn’t even sure why this was the one thing that bothered him most about the article, but it was. Surely it wouldn’t have been so complicated to at least insert one sentence about how they pulled up their masks before that. Half of the article was written like a fanfiction anyway. On days like this, he was glad Wade had explained that term to him.
“Yeah, look at my ass, it’s gorgeous! I’m almost jealous you get to see this every time we hang out.” Wade almost shoved the phone in Peter’s face, the picture the whole focus of the screen as Wade had definitively zoomed in on it. Peter looked at it for a second, and then back at Wade.
“Wade. That picture looks like it was hand drawn with a potato. You can barely see which body part belongs to who. It’s a mash of red, black and blue.” Peter wasn’t even entirely sure himself which part of the photograph was supposed to be Wade’s ass. He could guess a vague area, but did he know for certain? Absolutely not. It could just as well be a leg or something else entirely.
“Which is a very sexy mash up by the way,” Wade retorted but before Peter only got as far as to open his mouth to protest, Wade cut him off. “But imagine how good it would look if the quality was better?” And he really seemed to think this was a great picture that actually did him justice and Peter should’ve expected as much. After all, he was talking to Wade. That man saw things nobody else did, so it wasn’t beyond him to see beauty in the worst picture ever. He also had his priorities elsewhere because why the hell wasn’t he bothered by the mask thing?
“You are so hopeless.” Peter shook his head as he took back his phone from Wade to pocket it again.
“And you are so hopeless in love with me, apparently.” Wade laughed as he pointed vaguely towards Peter’s now pocketed phone. There it was, the commentary Peter had expected. Peter wasn't really surprised that Wade's first instinct was to comment on his own ass, yet he had expected him to quote the article at Peter immediately. It would've been so entirely Deadpool to turn the article into an inside joke on the spot.
“Sometimes I wonder why I still hang out with you,” Peter sighed loudly, but both of them knew he didn’t mean it. Before they became as close as they were now, Peter had said it a few times in absolute honesty, but those times have long passed. Nowadays, he was used to Wade being Wade, obnoxious flirting and romanticism of crime included. Their friendship wouldn't be the same without it.
“Because you want to date me instead?” The merc shuffled closer to Peter and before he could stop him, Wade had dropped his arm over his shoulder, leaning close to his face in the process. This was also something Peter had become used to by now. Wade had always been a strong advocate of physical contact, provided that the person he was talking to was someone he actually knew. He wasn’t running around the city hugging random strangers, but he had developed a habit of hugging Peter any given chance. Wade had dropped it immediately when he realized Peter wasn’t a big fan of being touched by strangers, but once they became closer, Wade tried again and was met with less resistance. Not enthusiasm, but that seemed to be enough for Wade nonetheless. Physical contact had somewhat become normal between them nowadays, even if the one initiating it was almost exclusively Wade.
“I’m this close to webbing your mouth shut.” Peter brought up a hand to grasp Wade’s chin while making sure he’d see his web-shooters. He was not above threatening Wade, high morals or not. If Wade gave him a good enough reason, Peter had more ways than one to effectively shut him up and both of them were aware of that. This didn't mean Wade wouldn't be a threat in an actual fight, but both of them knew how to hold their ground.
“Kinky. So, how about that da-”
“Wait, did you hear that?” Peter’s grip on Wade’s face tightened reflexively and when he realized, he dropped his hand immediately. Firstly, because he didn’t want to actually hurt Wade accidentally, secondly, because he heard a noise that sounded suspiciously like a gun being fired and he needed to focus for a moment. It could have been something else as well, but Peter’s instinct told him that no, this was actually a gun.
“My futile attempt to leave this friendzone you trapped me in?” Wade sighed and dropped his hands when he felt the change in Peter’s demeanor, even if it didn’t seem like he heard the noise, probably too distracted by their exchange. As Peter stood up to get a better view of the streets, Wade followed his gaze with a tense look. Peter found the source of the commotion first though, as he had heard it and knew roughly where to search. A jewelry store two streets ahead.
“Come on, move it, Wade!” Peter dragged Wade up by his arm to make sure the merc saw where they were needed and then jumped off the roof without checking back, trusting that Wade would soon follow. He always did.
When Peter got to the store, he carefully peeked inside to assess the situation at hand. As far as he could tell, there were only two people inside; the clerk and some man hiding his face behind a simple, dark blue mask. When Wade arrived shortly after Peter, he was fairly sure that they only had to deal with one criminal. And, judging by his fidgeting, he had little to no experience.
“As long as you do what I tell you to do, you don’t need to be scared!” His voice was muffled through the closed door, yet he spoke loud enough for Peter and Wade to understand. They exchanged a look and then entered as quietly as possible. Neither the robber nor the clerk seemed to have noticed their arrival and they ducked behind a shelf, processing the scene.
“I’m not scared. Feel free to do whatever,” the young man behind the register said as he crossed his arms in front of his chest and sat back on his stool. Peter looked at Wade warningly for just a split second, hoping he’d had realized the same thing. If this worker was just putting on an act, he might do something stupid once he’d think the robber was distracted. It wouldn't have been the first time where some civilian tried to play the hero in an act of bravery. They had to play this one careful.
“I’m robbing you. I have a gun. Which I just used. Shouldn’t you be at least slightly afraid?” The robber asked, using the gun to gesture towards a spot on the wall a good distance away from the register. Considering that this man didn’t seem to know what he was doing, that was good thinking on his part. At least he hadn’t accidentally shot the clerk in an attempt to intimidate him.
“Listen, this isn’t my store, I just work here. I’m really not paid enough to try and stop you. I don’t even care, honestly. Want me to open the cash register for you?” The clerk audibly huffed, genuine impatient in his voice, as if getting robbed was stopping him from having a quick nice nap instead of putting him in any actual danger.
“This feels really disrespectful right now and I can’t even properly explain why. Can you at least pretend to be scared?” The robber asked and damn, this was probably one of the most absurd robberies Peter had to witness. At least he wasn’t alone with this thought apparently, because Wade left out an irritated huff.
“Oh my god, I am so scared. Hold me, Spidey!” He yelled as he jumped out behind the aisle, dragging Peter with him as he wrapped himself around him, both arms hugging Peter's torso. Wade was shaking now, performative, an attempt to mock. This was one of the rare moments when Peter regretted working with the merc. So much about playing it safe and careful. At least he had remembered to keep Peter's hands free should the need for web-shooting arise. Still, this was unacceptable. Mocking criminals was fine if it was just the two of them and whoever they needed to stop. Hell, Peter himself couldn't keep his mouth shut sometimes. But like this, with a gun dangerously close to an innocent, this was wrong. Irresponsible. Peter needed to make sure to rip Wade's head off for that afterwards.
“Get off of me.” Peter pushed him off, not strong enough to really hurt but strong enough to make sure Wade wasn’t hugging him like a koala its mother anymore. To Wade's luck, because it definitely did not involve any kind of genius thinking, the robber fully turned towards them, gun aimed at the floor instead of the clerk. For a split second, the look on his face was entirely surprise, then it turned into resignation.
“Oh, come on. Couldn’t you have given me at least a few minutes to feel like I'm successful here?” The robber sighed, not an ounce of aggression or threat in his voice. Peter couldn't help but pity him. Not enough to give him advice on how he’d become a better criminal, but enough to not immediately web him up against some wall to let him dangle until the police arrived. This wasn't a man without conscience, this was a man who had taken a few wrong turns in life. Peter would give him a way out, just this once, if he wanted to take it.
“This didn’t seem like it was successful though,” Peter replied, not even with the intention to joke but in hope the man would realize that a life of crime wasn't worth living. Especially since he really didn’t seem to be cut out for this line of work. Everyone started somewhere and practice made perfect and all that, but this guy didn’t even seem to really try. As if this little gig was more of a necessity than something he really wanted to do.
“Not everyone can be equipped with superpowers, all right? Are those ridiculous costumes part of the job description?” The robber pointed at Peter and then made a motion towards Wade as well, and suddenly, Peter felt less bad for him. Judging someone's sense of clothing while being masked themselves certainly was a choice. Especially in a situation like this, where the priorities should lie elsewhere. Before Peter got to remind the robber of his own current headwear, Wade spoke up again, seemingly bored by the exchange.
“I’ll have you know my boyfriend looks amazing.” Wade clicked his tongue as he stepped closer towards the man who just backed off slightly, gun in his hand forgotten. Not that shooting Wade would've done anything but escalate the affairs. If the man knew how useless his gun was against Wade, Peter wasn't sure. Could've been an unconscious decision just as well.
“Boyfriend?” The man glanced at Spider-Man before looking back at Deadpool, the more dangerous of the two now that he was closer, and the bewilderment in his voice was more than obvious. Peter would be more than happy to focus on this man's fashion crime instead of whatever nonsense Wade was talking about. Or his actual crime, the reason they had entered the store in the first place.
“Wait, that article was right?” The clerk was still behind the counter, not an inch away from his earlier spot, but he had leaned slightly over the counter now, his arms resting on top. Peter had known he wasn't the only one who stumbled across that article. It was build to catch attention, reach readers, and it was successful in doing so, unfortunately. He just hadn't expected to be asked about that while preventing a crime.
“No, it was not,” Peter briefly corrected the clerk and then turned towards Wade. “Keep this up and I’ll web you and that poor excuse of a robber together so the police can take both of you in.” Despite being an empty threat, the thought seemed less and less ill-considered. The situation kept getting overly illogical, and normally, this tended to be Wade's fault somehow. Wade, who had a knack for making things more ridiculous than they ever needed to be. Add his earlier stunt of putting the clerk in danger and Peter really had a reason to stop him from interfering anymore.
“I heard that!” The robber called out, more upset than he had any right to be. Peter chose to ignore him, as he had no other way to describe his attempted robbery. It was a failure, a crime committed by someone who had no idea what he was doing and it was brutally obvious. Instead of going in and out like he was supposed to, he had wasted precious time by arguing with a clerk who was already willing to give him whatever he wanted, did not prepare for the arrival of any vigilante despite trying rob a store in a city filled with said vigilantes and then apparently didn't even prepare an escape route. So no, Peter refused to call this anything else but a poor excuse of a robbery.
“So, you guys aren’t together?” The clerk was really testing the waters here and for only a fraction of a second, Peter considered to add him to his list of people to web up against any kind of surface, preferably with some of the web fluids covering his mouth. He was really getting irritated, stuck between Wade, who couldn't stop blabbering if his live depended on it, a far too nosy clerk who definitely had the wrong priorities and a piss-poor robber who had the guts to argue instead of focusing on the crime he tried to commit.
“No. We’re not. But if you cared about your job as much as you care about other people’s life, you’d be the most reliable employee in this city.” And maybe that wasn't really fair, maybe this was just the annoyance getting to Peter. Maybe the man did care, in a weird way. Just not enough to endanger himself whenever a masked man and his gun stormed a store with the clear intention to rob it. Which was the appropriate reaction, really. Always cooperate in the face of danger. Especially when you were held at gunpoint. Who knew, maybe the man's sudden interest in gossip and Spider-Mans love life was only spiked by a desperate need to cope.
“He’s just shy.” Wade shrugged and Peter knew he was grinning, that signature shit-eating grin he sported whenever he was trying to rile Peter up, to get under his skin just for the fun of it. He didn't need to see Wade's face to confirm. He'd seen it far too often by now and knew it like the back of his hand. It worked, unfortunately, and sent an uncomfortable shiver down his spine. The glare Peter threw at Wade would've been deadly if it weren't for the mask obscuring his face and the fact that a glare alone couldn't really murder anyone.
“Deadpool.”
“Yes, my love?” Wade walked over to him, his back turned to the robber, trusting Peter enough to know he wouldn't allow him to hurt Wade despite his healing factor. One wrong move and the man would be glued against the wall behind him, mere centimeters next to the clerk and his counter. Peter should've done this already the second he confirmed the man was working alone. Distract him enough to point his gun anywhere but the clerk, and then secure him. It would've prevented whatever shit-show this was.
Wade's arms found their way around Peter's torso again as he reached him, head tilted just enough to rest on Peter's shoulder. Peter must've imagined Wade's breath against his neck, he knew the masks wouldn't allow this kind of intimacy, yet he couldn't help the slight tingle the thought caused. It was then and there that Peter fully realized just how much of a mistake it was to show the article to Wade. He should've known that Wade would use it as a basis to up his game of How to embarrass Peter? For some reason unknown to Peter, Wade thrived on seeing Peter riled up, especially when he was the catalyst of his annoyance.
“I’m warning you.” Peter nudged his elbow against Wade's side, trying to get the extra weight off of him. Wade sticked to his side for a moment longer, than slid away from him with easy, still standing closer than necessary but at least without touching him in any form.
“Oh, look! He’s trying to escape!” Wade exclaimed, his arm shooting out to point towards the robber, guiding Peter's attention back to where it was actually needed. That was the thing with Wade. He knew how to annoy and tease Peter, did it with glee, but he also knew not to overdo it. He enjoyed whatever game of poke the Spider-Man he had come up with, wanted to piss him off occasionally simply because he knew how, but he didn't want him to get genuinely upset. He knew that messing up a gig for the sole reason of being a menace was not worth it. Not if he wanted to stay on Peter's good side.
“He isn’t.” Peter's tolerance was dwindling. He wanted to get this over with, wanted the robber to stay put and get away before the clerk could open his mouth again. Wade's little show of hugging hadn't supported Peter's claim of them not being a couple. He didn't need to be able of telepathy to sense just how much the clerk was considering their relationship. Moreover, the police was probably on the way too. Chances were low that Peter was the only one who heard the gunshot earlier.
In a swift motion, Peter webbed the man against a wall, making sure to yank the gun out of his hand as he did so. It was secured in the same way next to him, just out of reach should he somehow manage to free his hand. While Wade and Peter had been talking, the man had tried to sneak away quietly, without posing a real threat, just a small attempt of running away. Peter had considered that as he webbed up the man, trying to keep the push of his webs at a minimum. He didn't want to hurt him and, in the back of his head, he still pitied the man.
“This really isn’t my day.” The robber sighed but otherwise, didn’t try to free himself or argue. There wasn't much he could've done anyway and accepting his fate was probably for the best. At least Peter had made sure he had the ground just underneath his feet instead of letting him dangle from the ceiling like an overgrown pinata.
“You’ll get over it,” Peter assured him. What happened to the man once the police had freed him wasn't really his business anymore, but Peter silently hoped that this had been a lecture for him. Sometimes, all it took to realize ones mistake was a shit load of embarrassment and failure. However, this combo could also grow spite. Whatever the man was going to do with his life once the police was done with him, Peter couldn't possible know. If he'd never see him again, that would be a good sign.
“You’re really not a couple?” The clerk asked for a second time, and the sigh Peter let out was loud enough to drown out Wade's laughter and made the clerk raise his hands in surrender. For all Peter cared, the man could be scared to end up webbed against a wall as well. Whatever the reason was, Peter was glad he finally gave up on the topic. "Alright, alright. Fine. Knew it wouldn't be real, who'd kiss through a mask?" Now this, this was probably the most normal thing the clerk had said during this whole encounter, because yes, why the hell would they? Peter knew he wasn't crazy on focusing on that small detail.
“Hey, I think that’s our sign to go.” Wade patted his shoulder twice, his other hand pointed towards the door. The sound of sirens headed towards their direction and Peter really didn't want to be around whenever they arrived. It had taken them some time to finally show up. If it hadn't been for Wade, Peter and the robber's urge to argue with the clerk, the robber might've had escaped already.
Peter gave Wade a curt nod and then, before following after him, took a last quick look at the scene to make sure it was safe to leave both the clerk and the robber like this. When he exited the store, Wade had been gone already without waiting for Peter. He didn't mind, as he knew where he would find him. Back on the roof overlooking the city, humming. If Peter didn't beat him to it. With his webs, he was faster than Wade anyway. And once they were back together, Peter needed to make sure to remind Wade of the proper way to stop a crime.