Chapter Text
Lily was eleven when she first met him.
They first laid eyes on each other on her first day at Hogwarts; right after she got sorted into Gryffindor, the moment he started clapping with a huge smile and hurriedly pulled out the chair next to him for her to sit. Lily had just ignored him and sat next to a random blonde boy — because he had treated Severus poorly on the train a few hours earlier. He didn't seem to care that much. Lily guessed it was the only time he didn’t care about something she did, the first day they met.
He was good looking enough to stand out in a crowd but not enough to make someone have a second look– except his hair, maybe, Lily had never seen someone not have a second look at his hair before: it was even worse considering his father owned the biggest hair care line among wizards. “Lily,” James was smiling like a cat as he leaned over the table, teeth lined up like pearls, looking even brighter than they normally were with the candlelight flickering on them. “What are you doing here?”
“The real question is, what are you doing here?”
“Hm.” He loosened his tie while pulling out the chair in front of her to sit down. “Missed you, thought I’d come keep you company.”
Lily scrunched her face, mostly to keep herself from smiling. It happened quite a lot since he started coming to the library at night, somehow always finding where she sat at the first try— always knowing where to look. It happened quite a lot.
She knew Potter wasn’t reliable, that all these efforts were for the sake of some stupid meddling, but in moments like these — when it was approaching midnight, when the library had emptied, and the light of the candle flame illuminated Potter’s dark skin, for instance — Lily had to fight the urge to lean forward and kiss him. Why shouldn't she have? She was sixteen, there was a handsome Quidditch captain wandering after her and telling everyone he fancied her like it was the best thing that ever happened to her. They had less than two years left to finish Hogwarts and Lily knew that once they got out of here, their lives were going to turn very serious, very fast.
“Oh really?” She chuckled, trying to sneak a mocking tone into her laugh to keep it together. “I suppose you’ve seen me sitting here in your dreams then.”
“Ah, could be,” he chuckled back, and his voice sounded sweeter than hers. Like he knew something she still couldn’t grasp how to. “I really do see you in my dreams sometimes, Evans. You boss me around all the time.”
Looking at his face, Lily felt the need to pinch herself—how was he even allowed to be like this? His eyes were glowing, the weather wasn't cold enough yet for him to wear those Quidditch sweaters he never took off once the season hits, but he still looked somehow good with the simple Gryffindor uniforms he was wearing. She kept her eyes locked on his eyes to avoid thinking about his broad shoulders or thick forearms. When did Potter grow up to look like this? His glasses were settled on the bridge of his nose, he was playing with the margins of Lily's Charms book with his fingers — long fingers — and slowly ruffling his hair.
Lily had barely held herself back from jumping on him. It was good that he wasn’t into legilemency— she could act like she hadn’t locked herself into the girls' bathroom after seeing him coming from Quidditch practice this morning, coming two times back to back just replaying him walking with his hair drenched in sweat.
“What are you really doing in the library?” Lily asked, because she knew if she didn't speak now, they’d spend the next few seconds looking at each other’s eyes until they ended up kissing. “Planning another prank? Haven't you outgrown this yet?”
“I just knew you were here, Lily.” He tilted his head, resting his chin in his palm. “I didn’t get to... annoy you enough today. I wanted to be near you for some time before the day ended.”
Potter was truly testing Lily in moments like these. She found it harder and harder to remember why she’d rejected him in the first place, or why his relentless pursuit—now in its sixth year—had never been accepted with a 'yes'. Here, in the quiet, the arrogant, popular-boy mask he wore for the crowds simply fell away. He became just a boy with light in his eyes, someone Lily saw no harm in reaching out to kiss. She’d forget that he was the bully who cursed younger Slytherins in the halls, the one who turned vicious on the Quidditch pitch and drove his broom at kids half his size. She’d forget he made Severus’s life a living hell for years... and she’d just see the boy with the wide smile who always, somehow, found his way back to her.
“Why are you like this?” Lily asked for the first time. Which was funny enough, considering that she could not even recall the last time she asked him something really looking for an answer. She hadn’t planned to ask this today, not really, but it had stuck in her head since the beginning of the year anyway. The words just slipped out of her mouth, maybe because she started to like the way he came to keep her company and walked her to the Gryffindor Common Room whenever it was late at night. Maybe it made Lily start to trust him, maybe she liked his cat-like grin and shiny eyes… she wanted to grab him by his shoulders and ask why he can’t be like this all the time.
She wanted to date someone. To go to Hogsmeade together like all the other couples and drink butterbeer while huddling together, to sit side-by-side in lessons and brew potions or something else while joking around. Lily couldn't even imagine how fun it would be to get lost in a random wing in the castle just to kiss and snuggle a bit with.
It wasn't that she hadn't tried. A Quidditch captain from the Ravenclaw upper years had invited Lily to Hogsmeade last year; she’d accepted because he was polite at first and she thought he could handle Potter in terms of status. His politeness had almost fooled her at first, but unfortunately, while he wasn't exactly chewing his food with his mouth open, after sitting across from him for 15 minutes, she'd had disturbingly enough knowledge about the contents in his mouth. A Hufflepuff boy who gave Lily wizard-style sweets his mother sent him by owl in the 4th year was the most boring person to chat with she'd ever seen in her life, and some 6th year called Davies, a Ravenclaw she agreed to come to the library with just because she hadn’t kissed anyone for the last 6 months, had a fit because Professor Slughorn praised her potion better when they were in Potions together.
It was as if boyfriends were the best thing in the world until it was Lily's turn, then the water suddenly got murky, boys got weird. She didn't even want much — she just wanted someone she could do sweet couple things with — but none of the boys who seemed to be interesting could even come close to Potter’s gentle, attentive self that comes out whenever they were alone like this.
It was unfortunate that he was also the most obnoxious, repulsive, fat-headed idiot Lily had known. He was a bit conceited, spoiled rotten, strutting around the school like he himself was Jesus Christ reincarnated.
“How am I? Too handsome? Can't you take your eyes off me, Evans?”
“Different,” Lily said, letting out a breath. If he wasn't this popular, loud, and a bully, if he didn't do something extreme in every lesson and act like a brat who would take off his shirt and wave it over his head in the middle of the common room after every Quidditch match — and actually cause girls to scream with excitement — she was sure dating him could be fun. “Right now, you’re more like a normal, talkable person.”
He smirked at her. “Take it slow, Evans. I’m easier than you’d thought when it comes to you.” Then winked. Of course he winked and even that suited his face really; only Potter could’ve made a wink casual, even cute. “You might regret saying this to me by morning.”
“Yes, exactly,” Lily sighed at his face. “You’re like that. Every morning, something happens and you suddenly turn into a boring, repulsive jerk I wouldn't even want to be in the same room with.” She leaned forward, toward him. It must have been a bit much because Potter’s eyes were so close and large that if they stayed like this for a few minutes, she could count every single one of his thick eyelashes surrounding his eyes. “You see? You’re much of an endearing boy when you’re not acting cool.”
He narrowed his eyes, but there was some slight smirk trying to smear itself all over his face. “How much of an endearing boy am I, for instance, Miss Evans? Endearing enough to date?”
“Right now?” she said, trying to look mocking like him, but she realized her forehead wrinkled from tension halfway through the sentence. “I don't know. You have an above-average face, Potter, maybe if you weren't a massive idiot in your daily life, I could get confused.”
“Eh, you’re talking nonsense right now,” he said, his voice coming out sweetly. “If you were going to date me, I would act however you wanted, Evans, and you know that perfectly well.” He raised his hand slightly, slowly, as if he were afraid. Lily almost let out a scream when his fingers wandered in the air and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. Normally she would have pulled away, she would have really, but she didn't that day. Potter let out a breath—probably with relief. “I would treat you better than everyone else left.”
Then Lily felt his fingers settle somewhere between the side of her head and the nape of her neck and his thumb slowly caressing her cheek— she woke up as if a bucket full of water had been thrown in her face. She stood up before even giving him time to pull his hand away, the chair behind her falling to the floor with a loud clatter. “No,” she said, more to herself than to him. “No, Potter, no.”
“You thought about it,” he said, standing up this time as well. “You thought about it, you really thought about it this time. You see too, don't you, that I’m better than everyone else around? I’d make the perfect boyfriend for you, Lily.”
“You’re not better than everyone else, you’re just an asshole.” Lily shoved her books into her bag, almost in a rush. She might not have had a real boyfriend before, hadn't kissed anyone for six months, and had her period two days ago. She might be about to go crazy from horniness too, but Lily was still not desperate enough to start to date Potter. Yet. The two of them. What would people say, what would the Professors think of her? She hadn't talked to Severus for a year, but she still couldn't do the evil of dating his bully to him. Petunia, what would she say? They weren't exactly the world's best sisters, but sometimes they’d lay on the grass with fresh dew toward morning and talk about boys and giggle— what would she tell her, that she was dating the most unbearable boy in school?
“I’m better than Davies,” he said, standing across from her. “And I wouldn't get angry just because my girl is smarter than me.”
“So?” Lily said, “Am I supposed to date you just because you’re the lesser of two devils? Besides, your problem has been more of a character thing at the start anyway.”
“Lily,” he said, and this time his voice was a plea. Was he going to beg? Her heart hammered against her ribs. Would he drop to his knees? He would if she asked, Lily knew he would. A part of her wanted it, but she was terrified of letting her borders go all the way down. “You can’t tell me you don't also feel this,” he whispered. “You think about me too. You just did. If I leaned in right now and kissed you, would you really have pulled away?” He took a step forward. Lily hated how the height difference felt; it made him feel impossible to resist. “I don't get why you’re fighting this so hard. Honestly, Lily... look at me. Am I not nice to look at? You barely reach my shoulder. Do you have any idea how many times your weight I can just toss around?”
“Are you trying to sell yourself to me, Potter? Don't you have a backbone? Go find one of those girls who actually chases you.”
“You think I haven't tried?” His jaw went tight, anger finally bubbling up. If it weren't Potter, Lily might have actually been afraid. “When I’m with other girls, I don't care about you for the first weeks, you don’t even cross my mind—”
“Why are you telling me this?” Lily cut him off, her voice sharper than she intended. Did he think she cared about the girls he dated? She didn't even know their names. She hadn’t even asked their names. Ever.
“And do you know what happens then? The moment we have our first fight, the first time they get on my nerves... I realize I don't care enough to even try and fix it. But then I think to myself, ‘If it were Lily, I’d fix it. I’d fight for it. I’d make it work.’ I don't want anyone else when you’re right there. Why would I? Who else in this entire school is half as interesting as you?”
“You’re a horrible person,” Lily whispered. “Do you have any idea how I would feel if a guy said this about me?”
“Then date a guy who actually cares about you.” He moved even closer. “I know you find me handsome, Lily. I’m not a fool. Just date me. I swear on Merlin, I’ll be whoever you want me to be. I’ll follow you like a loyal dog. Don’t you want a boyfriend you can just kiss whenever you feel like it?”
“You only say that now,” Lily countered. “Don’t you have any character of your own? Why would you change who you are for someone else? If you were going to change, you would’ve done it by now.”
“I’m not changing my character, I’m changing my behaviour,” he said, emphasizing every syllable. “For you. Wouldn't that be something? If my girlfriend asked, I’d never hex anyone again. I wouldn't even blink at the Slytherins. I’d only take my shirt off for you.” He leaned over her, so far that his glasses slipped down his nose. Lily felt his breath in her face. “Is it still no, Lily? If I kiss you now, are you going to push me away?”
Lily stood on her toes and kissed him. It was a split-second impulse, and because they weren't ready, it was a mess. The rim of his glasses dug into her forehead. She pulled back the second their lips met, letting go of his now-already-wrinkled collar. They stood there, staring at each other awkwardly, her hands limp at her sides. “That was bad.”
That must have been the spark he needed to take his glasses off and come at her again. The moment Lily heard them hit the floor, his hands were cupping her face. One hand slid to the back of her head as their lips met.
His lips were impossibly soft, his breath coming in ragged hitches. Before Lily could even fully taste him, he’d pulled back just a fraction of an inch, only to press his lips against hers again. He tilted his head, his fingers tangling in her hair, and as their breaths mingled, he groaned her name.
“James,” Lily gasped. She didn't know how many times they’d kissed or how long they’d been standing there, but she couldn't catch her breath and he was already leaning in for more. Her arms were over his shoulders, one hand buried in his messy hair. Lily didn't even want to think about how long she’d been dying to do that. “Stop,” she whispered, breathless. She could smell him on her own breath. “Stop, just... wait for a second.”
“It was good, wasn't it?” He was just as breathless, his voice sounding like he was under a trance. “It felt good, didn't it, Lily?”
Lily moved her hand from his hair to his shoulder, feeling the muscle beneath. She wanted to touch him more, to kiss him until she forgot her own name, to hear him whimper while she came. She didn't say a word. Instead, she just rested her forehead against his shoulder, right next to her hand, trying to catch her breath.
His arms wrapped around Lily so tightly that she actually got scared that he’d feel her heart hammering—even though their bodies were already fused together. The hand she pulled out of his hair smelled like him. It wasn't enough that he held her like that, or that he’d chuckled when she buried her face in his shoulder, or that he was a devastatingly good kisser—of course his hair had to smell amazing, too.
For a moment, Lily thought she might just die right there. She felt a sudden, sharp regret for every second she’d wasted on any other boy. She finally understood why the girls in the dorms talked about kissing the way they did. If he’d asked to freeze time and just kiss each other for days, Lily would have said yes. The taste of him was still on her tongue, and she was already starving for more.
Lily tilted her head back and kissed him again. Slower this time. Calmer. Nicer. He kissed in short, burning bursts, taking tiny breaks that only made her more frustrated. She didn't want to leave his lips for even a second. Lily wanted his hands to stay exactly where they were, wandering over her back, slowly sliding lower. Just making out, running her tongue against his palate wasn't enough; she wanted to crawl inside his skin and stay there.
“James,” Lily said again. Her voice was coming out weird because of the saliva accumulated in her mouth. It was as if the universe were taking revenge for the fact that she hadn't groaned yet with such a desperate tone of voice, as if she would die if they didn't kiss again.
“Yes, Lily,” one of his hands was on the back of her head, the other on her waist. Even though she couldn't fully feel it on her body because of the thick fabric of her robes, his fingers burned where they touched, the space between her legs was throbbing like a pulse and Lily felt as if the cords of her knees could be unraveled at any moment. “Yes, Love?”
“Are we dating now?”
He leaned down and kissed her lips once more. This time very shortly, for a single second, as if he wanted to cloud Lily's mind once more before answering to make sure she couldn't reject him. “Can I call you my girlfriend then?”
“H-hm.” Lily nodded her head because she felt as if her feet would start being unable to carry her weight if she started talking. She fixed her eyes on his for a second so he wouldn't break contact. “James,”
For a moment the stupid grin on his face seemed to fall, “Did something happen?” He got a bit closer, as if it were possible. “Did I do something?”
“No,” Lily shook her head quickly. Her cheeks were burning from embarrassment; now that he was focused on her like this, she was even more embarrassed to say what was passing through her mind. “Something… didn't happen,” she said, but she was almost agonizing to get the words out. She put her hand back on his collar. “Come here.”
Lily must have been an idiot for thinking she could pull him toward her by his collar just now, because even though she gave all her weight to the collar of his robes, he stood before her like a rock-solid wall.
“No,” he said. His voice, despite the harsh intonation of his words, was in such a soft tone of voice that Lily was sure if he’d spoken to her this way before, this kiss would have happened sooner. “Something happened, tell me.”
“Nothing happened,” Lily said because she didn't want to voice it. It would probably be easier if she just tried to guide his hands while kissing.
“Lily,” he said, his voice a bit harsher this time, but he tucked her hair that he’d messed up behind her ear. Then he chuckled sweetly. “Did you forget, you’re going to tell me everything so your loyal dog will know what to do.”
Lily let out a breath, not knowing what to do. “You…” she said, if her face hadn't turned red enough so far she was sure she was turning bright red right now. “If we… are dating, then kissing–”
“Then kissing..?” he said, but he was smirking like a dog.
“...we can do more than that,” Lily said, standing tall, because she already knew he understood what she was talking about and was just trying to see her embarrassed. She was afraid of being able to see the smoke coming off her face soon. Fortunately, the stupid smile on James’s face annoyed Lily so much that she was able to calm down a bit. She pulled her arm from his shoulders. “Or never mind, to you–”
At that moment, Lily was ready to pull away and go—at least to make the bluff—until something terrible happened, James Potter—the James Potter she had touched herself to just today, who caused her underwear under her skirt to remain soaking wet—dropped to his knees with a crack.
Lily didn't expect him to wrap himself around her bare legs this fast either. At first, he started by only kissing the places the skirt couldn't cover, then he lifted the skirt too, at a point where he threw her leg over his shoulder and buried his face between her legs Lily lost control so much that a handful of black curls remained in her hand.
When he stood back up, he was holding his dust-covered glasses in his hand. While wiping the lenses on his robes, he leaned in this time with a massive smile. His lips were wet.
Lily pulled the sleeve of her robe down to her hand and said, “Come here,” because he still hadn't wiped his face and now he was trying to put on his glasses.
“No way,” he said; she knew he was making fun of her but she couldn't help joining his game. “Wait—first I need to show everyone what I’ve achieved. Do you know how hard it was to be able to get here?” He leaned toward Lily's face and whispered so quietly she could only see his lips moving. “Lily Evans came on my face.”
“Don't talk too much,” Lily reached for his face, and he let her wipe his whole face this time. Other than almost poking his eye out a few times when he suddenly leaned in to kiss, there didn't seem to be much trouble. Then “Well?” he said, “When can I tell people?”
“To how many people?” she said, not knowing what she could or couldn't say. He’d wanted to put his arm over her shoulder while walking to the Gryffindor common room; Lily couldn't tell if he was asking this because she hadn't accepted it or if this had been occupying his mind from the start.
“To the whole… school. Probably. At least if I told my mother?”
Lily wasn't sure exactly what she had done to make him this alert, but she couldn't help enjoying his attention. “You can tell them,” she said; he could even kiss her in the Great Hall.
“To my mother?”
“To everyone,” Lily shrugged. “After all, since you’re not the same bully boy as yesterday anymore, nothing will happen if I date you.”
She kissed him. She kissed him and for a second, it seemed like there was nothing that could go wrong. Almost.