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Erin Gilbert is seven years old the first time she finds a strange woman in the cubby house in the bottom of her garden. Technically, she guesses, it’s really the last time. Or maybe not. The woman might never be a stranger again, but she’s definitely always strange.
The cubby house is Erin’s favourite place to be. She’s an only child, and her parents both have important business jobs that she doesn’t really care to find out much about. They’re boring, normal, parent jobs. The jobs are flexible enough that mostly at least one parent can work from home after collecting Erin from school, but they don’t do anything interesting with Erin.
So Erin favours the cubby house for her afternoons. It’s always cool in there, and she’s managed to tie up a couple of ropes that she can hang a torch from if it’s too dark to see the desk she does her homework and drawing at. She likes her friends at school, but she likes being alone in the cubby house more. No one ever bothers her down there.
Which is why surprised is an understatement when she opens the small door to find someone sitting in there already. The woman’s head shoots up in alarm for a second, but she relaxes once she sees Erin’s face. She speaks.
“Hey!”
Erin eyes her with caution, and backs through the doorway slightly. “Who are you? No one comes in my cubby.”
The woman’s eyes widen with realisation. “Oh shit, I-” She claps her hand over her mouth, and starts again. “Sorry, Erin, I didn’t mean to scare you. This must be… wow. Guess that’s why there’s no clothes.” This is the point at which Erin realises that the woman is in fact, probably naked under the blanket that Erin keeps in there. And she knew Erin’s name. This is almost certainly something she should tell her parents about. But she doesn’t want to.
“You said a swear.”
“I did, and I’m sorry. This is… a strange thing to say, I know, but… you haven’t ever seen me before, have you?”
Erin shakes her head.
“Right. Sorry. How old are you?”
Erin holds up seven fingers. The woman nods. “I’m… H.”
“Just H?” Erin’s never known anyone with just a letter for their name. It sounds pretty cool.
“Yeah. Just H.” Erin thinks H looks a little bit sad about that, but she doesn’t know why.
“Well, I’m Erin. But you already knew that? How did you know that? Do you know my mom?”
“No, I… well. This is… something you know, I guess. I’m- I’m from the future.” Not what Erin was expecting, but she’s wide-eyed with wonder.
“That’s so cool! What are you- Can you tell me- Ah! I don’t even know what I should ask!”
“Gonna stop you right there, anyway, sproglet. Can’t tell you the future, might have consequences.” (Technically, she knows this isn’t true, but it’s become an easier way to fend Erin’s questions off in the past. Her past. Whoa. Erin’s never met her. This is new.) “Whoop-”
H has lost her balance, and she looks kind of dizzy. The air’s also gone sort of… metallic tasting? It’s weird and Erin’s doesn’t think she likes it, but it’s interesting, and in combination with someone from the future, she’s not going to dwell on it right now. More importantly, H has started kind of… shimmering. Or more like… it’s hard to say. She’s a little fuzzy, like everything was the time Erin was sick with the flu.
“Looks like I’m about to head off again. Hey Erin, it was sweet to… meet you. Maybe next time you could bring me some clothes?”
“You’re coming back?”
“Uh, yeah… if that’s okay?”
Erin nods quickly.
“Cool. I think I’ll be back next week.” She pauses and scrunches her face. “Tuesday? Not sure. But soon, though.”
She’s gone. Erin stands inside the cubby house for a few moments longer, and then gathers up her things to take back to the house. She’s got homework, and she doesn’t think she’ll be able to concentrate down here, at least this afternoon. She’ll be back tomorrow, though. She can’t wait to see H again.
***
Jillian Holtzmann is also seven years old the first time she meets the same strange woman Erin does. Only she’s… where is she? It’s her birthday, and she remembers coming home from the Science Museum (being dragged away, in a grump, because she didn’t want to go home) and having cake and being so excited that she was so sleepy and then she fell right asleep. In her bed. Where she isn’t any more. She is lying on a cold wooden floor - that’s what woke her up, she realises now. She was cold. Especially since she has no clothes. Where did her clothes go?
The sudden creak of a floorboard causes her to jump up, but she’s not sure where to run and find help.
“Hey, hey, hey! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to frighten you! Hey, I have some clothes for you. What’s… your name?”
A blonde woman approaches Jillian, holding a bright yellow shirt - Jillian’s favourite colour. She grabs the shirt, and runs back a few steps to put it on. Jillian finds it covers her like a nightgown, all the way down past her knees.
She finally approaches the blonde woman again, who has been waiting patiently and quietly. Well, she has been munching on Pringles, which isn’t so quiet, but that’s something Jillian can forgive. Pringles weren’t made for silent moments.
Jillian holds out her hand, as politely as she has been taught, and speaks all in a rush.
“I’m Jillian and it’s my seventh birthday and I love building things and I got cake today and it was chocolate.”
The blonde lady smiles, bends down and takes Jillian’s hand. “What do you know? My name’s Jillian too! But you can call me H, so we don’t get confused.” She winks at the girl.
“Why H? Why not J short for Jillian? That’s what I would do.”
“Would you? That’s pretty smart. H is for my last name.”
Jillian grins up at H. “My last name is an H one too!”
“Well, looks like we’re both of us Jillian H. That’s why we’d better not get confused, right?” Jillian nods with all the seriousness she can muster. H suddenly stands up straight, and starts walking away. Jillian finds herself leaping after her.
“Where are you going?”
“Oh!” H spins around again, as if only just realising she’d even started moving at all. “Back… this way, I think.”
Jillian looks at her surroundings properly for the first time. She recognises them. She’s back in the Science Museum! At night! This is so cool!
“Let’s go see the robots! I love them!”
“Alright, squirt. Let’s do that.”
They wander around the museum for what Jillian thinks must be hours - she would say days, even, but the sun doesn’t come up so probably not. Once H sees her yawning for about the sixth time in a minute, though, she scoops Jillian up and carries her into a little blue room with a blanket rolled up in the corner.
“Found this before you arrived. Time for sleep, little one.” Jillian curls up, and then next time she opens her eyes, she’s back in her own bed and it’s morning. She would believe the entire thing was a dream, save for the fact that she has to slip her pyjamas back on before her Mom comes in to get her up. Something special is happening to her, she can feel it.
***
Holtzmann knows something’s up with Erin as soon as she walks into her life. She’d heard about her from Abby, of course, so she has some preconceptions. She’s never one to turn down an opportunity for flirting, though, but her near-perfect track record of a line, “Come here often?” is met with a strange look.
Holtz’s initial reaction is panic, not that you’d be able to tell. This woman knows. Still, there’s no reason to act suspicious until she’s sure. Also, this woman is insanely attractive, and that’s not helping at all. She holds out her hand.
“Jillian Holtzmann.”
Erin takes it.
“Holtz…” she trails off, and gets a look on her face that Holtzmann can’t read, but thinks she gets the gist of.
“Yeah, sure, Holtz is fine.”
Erin snaps out of her thoughts. “No, sorry, it’s just - sorry. I’m Erin.”
“I’ve heard terrible things about you.” What? But she- right. From Abby.
This is so weird. This is H - Holtzmann, now, Erin guesses - younger than Erin’s ever seen her. She… she doesn’t know who Erin is. Well. She does. But not the way Erin knows her. Oh, God. Also… Erin’s… really attracted to her right now? Which feels like it should be weird, but it also feels… inevitable. That might be too strong a word. But it’s not like she wasn’t harbouring some kind of crush on H at any given point in her childhood (and, if she’s being serious, most of her twenties, apart from when she was with Abby.) And now she finds out that H is like, ten years younger than her? It’s a lot to process, especially in tandem with seeing Abby again.
She can’t let on that she knows her, though. Not yet. She’s just got to get that goddamn book taken down from Amazon. Holtzmann is a problem for later.
***
Quite frankly, Erin’s pretty pleased at how long she held out. Especially with all the flirting happening on Holtz’s end, which has left Erin feeling…well. It’s contradictory to all the time she spent telling herself that H was too old for her. She was a smart teenager. She knew nothing would happen.
But Holtzmann needs the truth. Or at least some of it, for now.
It’s about two weeks after what the media dubbed “Ghost Town”, and they’ve arrived back at the Firehouse after leaving a bar post-bust. And even then, really it’s Holtz who initiates anything. Erin can barely blame herself. (She doesn’t blame herself at all. In fact, she might even congratulate herself a little.)
“Erin, can I talk to you for a minute before…?” Holtzmann nods her head up at where the living quarters are.
Erin knew this was coming, since she met Holtzmann. Since Holtzmann met her. Whatever. “Sure, I think that’s… a good idea.” She smiles.
“I just… you definitely, like… know me, right? And I don’t remember? Because I have this thing-”
Erin cuts her off. “I know. You don’t have to explain the whole… thing to me. You… already have? Sort of. You know. I know what you do.”
Holtz hums to herself. “Okay, there was explanation involved, that’s… in-depth. Can I ask… how many times you’ve seen me before we like, real-time met?”
“Classified.”
“Hey, that’s- shit. That’s what I say!”
“I know.” Erin smirks. God, that’s hot. And Erin’s hot. And is standing, like, really close to her, and Holtz is not quite sure how that happened, but it’s making it hard for her to keep talking. She’s not used to being flustered. She’s used to being the one who has a secret. And damn Erin for her motherfucking perfect face that’s still maybe too close.
“What are we to each other?” Holtz finally squeaks.
Erin is whispering now. “I don’t know, but it’s something important.”
And then (finally, Holtzmann thinks) they’re kissing, and she’s known this woman for a matter of weeks but nothing’s ever felt more inevitable. Her eyes are still closed, but Holtzmann feels herself being pulled upstairs and pushed against a door, slamming it in the process (to a muffled ‘shut up’ from elsewhere in the Firehouse) and then Erin all but throws her on the bed, much more aggressively than Holtz would have expected from her, but she’s not complaining, and goddamn if she doesn’t have the best sex of her life that night.
When Holtzmann wakes, in the early afternoon, Erin is sitting up in bed, blanket wrapped around her shoulders, staring at Holtzmann. Holtz gently smiles up at her, and the grin that she gets back is radiant.
“I met you when I was seven. I called you H. You said you’d always come back to me,” Erin murmurs as she sinks back down into the covers next to Holtzmann.
Holtz thinks she was probably telling the truth.
***
Erin is painting her nails. She’d paint H’s, but H would only disappear and leave flakes behind, and Erin honestly can’t be bothered to deal with picking that shit up. H is looking at a science magazine Erin brought down to the cubby last week, and there’s intermittent conversation. It’s peaceful.
Erin’s phone buzzes. She looks down at it and there’s a text from Abby.
‘We on for movie night?’ Erin sits up straight, fast. She’s been distracting herself from thinking about Abby, and she’s been able to, so far, because H has been around. H, however, notices Erin’s sudden change in manner, and looks up sharply.
“Are you okay?” She can get kind of overprotective sometimes, which is annoying. And comforting, Erin supposes. Either way, H is always pretty in tune with Erin’s thoughts, though, and Erin knows her current worry is present on her face. There’s no point hiding it.
“H, have you ever… thought about- like- wi-’ just come out and say the damn thing, Erin. ‘Did you ever want to kiss a girl?’ she finishes all at once.
H has a kind of smirk on her face. No, it’s, gentler than that, she’s… amused.
“I mean, I think my wife would hope so.”
“You have a wife?” H had never said anything about… well, she’d never said much about anything about herself, really. Erin must have assumed… She tries to think of any time that H has mentioned attraction to a man, and comes up blank. Thinking back, everything about attraction was carefully gender neutral.
“Sure do, kiddo.” Holtz isn’t sure if that’s too much information. Oh well.
“What’s her name?” Definitely too much.
“Classified.” Erin rolls her eyes. Of course. “What’s got ya askin’?”
“Well I… What if I wanted to… kiss… Abby?” Holtz smiles at this. She wonders if she should be jealous. She’s not. Erin’s only sixteen, after all. It would probably be weird if she were jealous. Well. Weird is perhaps a relative concept.
Although Holtz knows how this plays out, she doesn’t want to seem like she’s urging Erin into a decision, although - would it make a difference if she did? She knows that nothing ever changes. Still, Erin doesn’t know that.
Tread carefully. “From what you’ve told me about Abby, I don’t think she’s going to run away if you tell her you have feelings for her. Even if she doesn’t like you back.” Erin looks at her thoughtfully, and nods, smiling tentatively.
At that, Erin’s phone rings. It’s Abby. Erin flashes a quick, somewhat more confident grin at Holtz, whispers “back in a sec,” and slips out the door. It’s only a few minutes late, after she and Abby have established that this movie night will be, in fact, a date, when she eases the door open and tastes the tang in the air that means H is gone. But for the first time in a while, it’s okay. Erin’s disappointed that she didn’t get to say goodbye, but she’ll see H again soon, and she’s got… Abby. Abby might be her girlfriend now.
***
“So, does Abby know?”
“Nah, but she probably should. I mean, you do now, and it’s not really a biggie. I just… kept it a secret from… well, everyone for so long that it didn’t seem like anything… worth telling?”
Honestly, Abby rounds the corner into Holtzmann’s lab fast enough that she could definitely claim she was far enough not to hear this exchange. But she’s never been good at keeping things in, and Erin and Holtzmann look far too shocked at her for her not to enjoy this a little. (She trusts them both. If Holtz really had a reason not to tell her something important, she wouldn’t push.
Too much.)
“What’s not worth telling?” Holtzmann gulps almost comically, and Abby’s not sure if that was on purpose. Probably. Holtzmann glances at Erin, and Erin gives her an encouraging nod.
“Wait… is this about you two sleeping together?” The reaction to that is better than Abby could have hoped for. Erin goes bright red and starts stuttering, and Holt spins around on the spot once, before shoving her hands in her pockets and humming lightly to herself for a few seconds before speaking.
“Okay, at this point, probably not worth denying, but actually… not what we were talking about,” Holtz starts. “Actually, you know, we should probably get Patty in here as well, tell her too.”
Erin reaches out to touch Holtzmann lightly on the arm, and it’s so tender, that Abby almost wants to turn away, but the moment is over quickly, and Holtz nods.
She cups her hands around her mouth. “YO PATTY! GET UP HERE! I GOTTA TELL YOU GUYS SOMETHING!”
Patty appears a minute later. “Is this about you and Erin banging? Cause, babygirl, that’s cool. Just like… I don’t ever wanna hear about it, ‘kay?”
Erin crosses her arms, a little embarrassed. “Okay, great, we haven’t been subtle, we get it, but-” She stops suddenly. Looks at Holtz. “This isn’t even about me. Well…”
“Spit it out, you guys! My soup’s getting cold. Holtz?”
“Well, you see… so you know how I sometimes… disappear for a while? I mean that’s… it’s not just me being…” She looks to Erin for help.
“Abby, Holtzmann is H.” Abby looks confused for a second while the pieces click in. She hasn’t thought about H pretty much at all since… well, only a little while after she and Erin…
“You mean…? Like, really. Really your H?” Erin nods. Abby looks shocked, and she reaches up to find her cheeks wet with tears. “I’m… sorry, I’m so-” she grabs Erin and pulls her into a tight hug.
“Okay, this is like… a real personal explanation here, and I am not in on it.”
This is easier for Holtzmann. “Okay, so. Pattycakes. This has far less… emotional baggage for you than the two you can see over there. But. Anyway. I can time travel. Or - I have to. I can’t really control it. Can’t decide when I go or where… when I go to. It’s just pretty much poof! gone. And then back again eventually. That’s… yeah, pretty much it. Oh! Also, apparently, I’ve been like, travelling back to Erin’s childhood, so she knows who I am, ish, but I haven’t… been there yet. My future, her past, and all that.”
Patty nods thoughtfully. “Cool. Is that all? Only I wanna finish reading this book I got before I go tonight, and I’ve got like, eighty pages left.”
“You… are taking this surprisingly calmly.”
“Baby. We hunt ghosts. For a living.” She starts back down the stairs.
“There’s a joke in there somewhere!” Holtz calls down after her.
Erin and Abby are whispering to each other, still, and from across the room, Holtzmann can’t really tell what they’re saying, but she’s picking up on a lot of ‘I’m sorry’ from Abby. Holtz sidles back over and takes Erin’s hand. Abby looks down at the action, and back up at Erin.
“Does she know about why we…?”
“Not unless you told her.”
Abby shakes her head. “I’ll let you. We’ll… I’ll talk to you later.”
“Abby,” Erin says, “we’re good. We’re fine. I love you, okay? We’re good.”
Abby sniffles one last time, and heads back downstairs. Holtzmann turns to Erin.
“I feel like that was a bigger deal than I was expecting. Am I missing some deets?”
Erin takes a deep breath and sighs. “Okay. Story time. So, I don’t know how much you know about what happened with me and Abs. We… we were together for a long time. Like, a really… okay. I’m going to tell you the short version and you’re not going to interrupt because it’s way in the past now and I don’t have any ill-feelings towards Abby and I just need to get this out so you have the facts, okay?”
Holtzmann mimes zipping her lips, and Erin smiles before pressing on.
“Okay, so Abby and I got together when we were sixteen. She was basically my only friend in, well, forever – oh, apart from you, of course - and we were friends for a few months, and then we were girlfriends. And that was good and fine and we were together nearly all through college and we were the ghost girls but that was fine and we were so fine with it that we started writing our book. That’s when… I don’t want to… well, I hadn’t seen you for a couple of years. And that was sort of okay. I always, always knew I’d see you again; it was just hard because it had been so long.
“And I started getting moody about it, I guess, for lack of a better explanation. I threw everything into writing that book. I thought… well, you tended to show up reasonably often around big dates for me - birthdays, graduation, that kind of stuff. So I thought maybe a publishing date would make you… come back. I was obsessed with getting the book done and I kind of… got distant from Abby.” Erin pauses to run her hands through her hair.
“I still loved her, and everything, I just… wasn’t a very good girlfriend. And it was sort of because of you. Not your fault, obviously, I want to stress that right now, but… yeah. Anyway, we published. You didn’t show. I cried.
“And then… Abby and I had a fight. See, here’s the thing - she’d never seen you. It was… coincidental bordering on ridiculous that she had never seen you. So she kind of implied… that I’d made you up. That I couldn’t deal with not having functional parents, so I’d made you up as a kid and couldn’t let go. I think she thought that I’d stop talking about you so much since I had her. Well. I left, ended up going to Princeton. We never… Neither of us called for a week, and that became a month, and we just… moved on with our lives, I guess.” Erin nods once, and then looks at Holtz, her expression unreadable.
“And then I show up and she doesn’t know who I am.” Holtz has felt Erin’s grip tightening on her over the course of this revelation. “And it turns out I’m… that.”
Erin cups Holtz’s cheek with her free hand, and leans in to kiss her gently. Holtz’s hand covers hers and then Erin is fiercely pulling her into an embrace. “You’re everything.”
“Let’s go to bed.” It’s early, still, but this evening has been tiring for all. They curl up in Holtz’s room and don’t speak. They don’t need to. They can feel each other breathing, and that’s enough.
***
Holtz has been gone for about four hours. Patty and Abby have put Erin in charge of waiting up for Holtz, at least for a while (“You guys have been dating for like, what, two whole months now? Girlfriend duties gotta kick in at some point, dude.”) and retreated upstairs for the night. Erin’s pretty much falling asleep on the couch as it is, but she’s given herself until half past three before she heads up to bed.
She’s definitely read the same sentence at least six times, and has possibly made the same note in her notebook twice - it’s hard to remember. She’s about to give up on her three thirty promise and go to bed when she tastes the tang that means Holtzmann is back.
Holtz is back exactly where she disappeared from, and is fumbling with her clothes. Erin calls to her softly over the back of the couch.
“Hey, Holtz.” Holtzmann looks up and almost smacks her head on the… whatever she was working underneath, then catches sight of Erin, and looks rather shocked. Erin grows concerned. “What’s wrong, Holtzy?”
“Nothing, I just… I saw you.” Erin relaxes, but she understands why Holtz is a little shaken. It’s the first time Holtzmann has visited her childhood. It must be strange for Holtz – this whole set of experiences that she’s yet to come to, but hearing about it makes Erin feel like the memory is more complete.
“Oh. How old?”
“Thirteen, I think? Either you’d just turned thirteen or you were very nearly. Either way, you were very adamant that I knew that teenagerdom was an important part of your life. You’re… not at all reacting to this news in any way.” Holtz ambles over to her and collapses on the couch, half on top of Erin.
“You know that I know you.”
“Yeah, yeah, I guess… I mean, it’s not that I didn’t believe you, you know? But now it’s really happened, and I went back and saw you, and it didn’t faze thirteen year old you at all, so that’s a really weird experience, and I just… I’m. Really tired. Can we go to bed?” Holtz is basically already falling asleep on top of her, so Erin wriggles out and stands up, holding out her hand for Holtz.
“Let’s sleep, Holtzy.” They walk slowly upstairs together, and lie, content, in each others’ arms.
“I love you, you know,” Holtzmann whispers. Erin smiles as she drifts off, but not before whispering back:
“Love you too.”
***
They’ve been dating for two years. They live together, for God’s sake. Holtzmann is about to ask the easiest question of her life, and she’s sure Erin will say yes. With how circular their lives are, there’s no way anything else could happen. So why is she more nervous than she’s ever been?
It’s a nice restaurant, not their usual scene, but Erin looks like she belongs there. She’s stunning, and Holtz considers pinching herself, but ends up deciding that if this is a dream, she doesn’t want out. She’s sweating like a motherfucker, though, and just as their entrees are arriving, she feels a familiar and uncomfortable lurch. Not now. Please not now. But she’s going. She widens her eyes at Erin, who seems to understand immediately, and runs for the bathroom, locking herself in a stall.
Fuck. She’s in the Firehouse. This happens from time to time - two Holtzmanns running around. She can’t tell when she is, though - other than the fact that it’s clearly the wee hours of the morning, and even her counterpart has gone to bed. There’s a paper on Erin’s desk, and she checks it - she’s two days in the future. Or more, she guesses, the paper could be old. That would be unlike Erin, though.
She still feels majorly sick, though, so she heads upstairs to her bedroom. She slips open the door, and sees her future self and Erin fast asleep. Of course. Idiot. She tries to stop herself from stealing a glance to see if Erin’s wearing the ring, but can’t help it. Erin’s hands are both under the covers, anyway.
Holtz goes to lie down in (what is technically) Erin’s room, and that helps. She’s too nervous to sleep, but too nauseous to do anything. It sucks. She lies there until the dawn starts to come through the window, and then yelps as the harsh white of the restaurant bathroom surrounds her again.
Her clothes are still on the floor where she left them. That’s a good sign. As she puts them back on, she pats the pocket where the ring is, and it’s there. Good, good.
She walks back out, and Erin is sitting at the table, with a few bites of her food missing. “Did you…?”
“Yeah. Future. Two days. Home, early morning, couple of hours, we were asleep. How long was I gone?”
“Just a couple of minutes.” Erin looks relieved to see her, though. It’s always harder to negotiate long-term disappearances that aren’t from the Firehouse. (Luckily, given that they both sleep and work there, it doesn’t happen too often.)
“Great, good, cool.”
“Are you okay, Holtzy?” That always gets her. She’ll never tell Erin in words how much her heart swells when Erin calls her Holtzy. Erin, she thinks, already knows.
“Yeah, I just… don’t worry. I’m good.” She’s calm. And has also made a decision. She was going to propose right after they finished eating, but she suddenly can’t bear the idea of any strangers witnessing the moment. So they enjoy their meal, and Holtz makes approximately four hundred percent more puns than usual, because she still wants this to be a memorable night.
It’s once they’re back in the Firehouse, about to settle down for a movie with Abby and Patty (Holtz doesn’t mind them being there, and they already know the proposal’s happening soon, anyway), that she makes a move. Erin’s in the kitchen, getting beers for everyone, and Holtz comes up behind her and kisses her lightly on the neck. “Hey.”
“Hey, yourself.” Erin turns around slowly and links her arms around Holtz’s neck. “That was such a nice dinner, Holtzy. Thank you.”
Holtzmann removes herself from Erin’s grasp and steps backwards. “Can you just like, stay there one sec, hot stuff?” Erin giggles, and then sees Holtz is reaching into her pocket, and taking out a velvet box, and her breath hitches.
Holtz gets down on one knee.
“Erin, I… Honestly, I don’t know what to say. I don’t have a speech. Just… wanna marry me?”
Erin can’t help laughing at that. It’s so Holtzmann. “Dork. Yes. Now stand up and put that ring on me so I can kiss your goddamned face off.”
As if Holtzmann needed the encouragement. Their lips meet, arms around each other, and they barely break for air.
“What’s taking so long, Er?” Abby sees the two of them, and snorts and rolls her eyes, before catching sight of the ring on Erin’s left hand.
“PATTY! PATTY, HOLTZ DID IT! ERIN’S GOT THE RING ON!”
This outburst is (just barely) enough to break Erin and Holtz apart, and Erin grins at Abby.
“Come on, then, let me see it!” Erin lets go of Holtz to show Abby the ring.
Patty walks in and right over to Holtz, and gives her a hug so big she lifts Holtz right off the floor. “I’m happy for you, girl.” Erin doesn’t escape being picked up, either. The four of them stand there, grinning at each other, until finally, Abby speaks.
“I still want my beer, though. And I’m happy for you, but no funny business during the movie. You’ve got a bed.” Erin can’t keep the smile off her face, and Holtz spends more time watching Erin than the movie that night.
***
The ceremony is soon afterwards, and small - they don’t want to risk a whole bunch of people finding out if Holtz goes anywhere. It’s just the four of them (Abby walks Erin down the aisle), Kevin, and Holtz’s dad, who doesn’t stop crying for the whole ceremony. Jennifer Lynch from the mayor’s office officiates. It does all run smoothly, and they probably could have had a bigger do, but at the end of the day, neither Erin nor Holtz can really bring themselves to think the wedding was anything but perfect.
***
Everything’s fucked. Erin thought high school would be better but someone found out about her goddamn therapy, even though she doesn’t even fucking go any more, and most of her class don’t know about the ghost shit yet but it’s only a matter of time before someone spreads the story and H hasn’t come to see her in four whole months, including the whole of summer, when she doesn’t even have schoolwork to distract herself and her parents still don’t believe her and everything is fucked.
Finally, now, she’s got some physics homework to throw herself into to try to distract herself. But she also brought a razor blade down to the cubby with her. She doesn’t think she’ll really use it, but she kind of maybe wants her dad to find one missing and freak out. It’d be a change from his usual tack of ignoring her except to ask about grades. Erin feels a tear fall from her eye, and suddenly she’s sobbing, and she’s so angry.
It’s sitting there, on the windowsill behind her, and Erin can’t stop thinking about it. She finally turns around, and, shaking, slowly grabs it, and holds it in her hand for a while. She experimentally presses the blade to the inside of her left wrist, and draws blood.
The pain is good. The trickle of blood is mesmerising. Erin wonders whether she should have gone for somewhere less easily visible, where her parents won’t see. She pauses, considering, and wonders if they’ll even notice this. Three more small strikes, and then she’s wiping up her work.
She has plenty of experience patching up wounds. H constantly has some kind of burn or cut - she won’t tell Erin what she does for a living, probably because it’s mildly dangerous, and she doesn’t want Erin getting fanciful ideas - and she can’t travel with any of the bandages she (presumably) has in her own present. This means Erin has a small pile of bandages and antiseptic in the cubby - obviously H can’t travel back with them, either, but sometimes, if she’s stuck for a couple of days, they’re helpful.
So Erin dabs on some antiseptic, because she’s not an idiot, she doesn’t want an infection (that sting is good, too) and is wrapping her arm, about to dispose of the bloody blade, when suddenly H is there. It takes H a few seconds to comprehend the scene and grab the overalls she usually wears but she can see the red stains on the wipes, and the glint of metal, and Erin’s tear-streaked face, and Erin can’t do anything before H takes her and holds her close. Erin half-heartedly struggles, but finally gives in to herself and wraps her arms around H, sobbing into H’s neck.
They stay like that, not speaking, quiet except for Erin’s gasps, until she’s cried out. H loosens her grip and holds Erin at arms length. Erin can’t meet her eyes.
“I’m not mad at you, Erin. I think you want me to be, but I’m not. Only I… please. Please, please, don’t… I can’t bear you hurting. Talk to me. Tell me anything, I want to hear anything.”
Erin takes a few deep breaths. “I’m so fucked up,” she finally mumbles.
“Erin, look me in the eyes. Erin.”
Erin looks up at H and the words fall out of her in a tumble. “I’m that fucked up kid who had to see a therapist and thinks ghosts are real when ghosts aren’t real.”
“Erin, you…”
“No one else believes me. Why the fuck should I believe myself?”
“Erin, Erin, I’ve always believed you, I always have, look at me and tell me that I’m not real, I’m the realest thing there is and I believe you.”
“Yeah, you said you believed a scared eight year old to soothe her worries. I would have. And you haven’t been around for months, H. I was beginning to think you were a delusion, too. Or that you weren’t coming back.”
“Erin, no. I believed you then and I believe you now and most importantly I believe in you. And I will always come back to you, always, always, I promise you that.”
Honestly, Erin doesn’t think H has ever been so sincere for so long. Erin knows she must be terrified. That’s… strangely calming, for Erin.
Erin inhales sharply, and takes H’s hand. “I won’t do it again. I’m not… I won’t do it. I’ll remember what you said. As long as you’re always coming back to me.”
“I am, I am, I’ll see you soon.” H is gone. The blade goes back in the bathroom. Erin resumes her physics homework. Over the next few days, she doesn’t take much trouble to cover the bandage on her wrist. Her parents don’t notice.
***
Holtzmann arrives back in the present and it’s definitely after midnight and Erin is asleep but she can’t help herself and she grabs onto her like a monkey and holds on tight. Erin wakes up a little, and is annoyed, until she sees Holtzmann crying.
“What’s wrong? Holtzy, what’s wrong?”
“I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you so much and I don’t ever ever ever want you to hurt because you never ever deserve to and I love you and you have to know because I need you to know that I love you.” She reaches out and turns over Erin’s left arm. She can see four long-faded scars. She holds Erin’s wrist to her lips and kisses them over and over again.
Erin remembers that day at fifteen years old and she holds Holtz as close as she can. “Never, never again. You stopped me, and I made sure. Never again. I had you. I have you. I love you, Holtz. I love you.”
***
Erin flinches when she sees movement in the cubby house, but relaxes a little when she realises it’s H. H can tell there’s something off, though. It’s just after Erin’s eighth birthday, and there’s a definite change in Erin’s demeanour from usual. H can sense her unease, and she thinks she knows why it’s there, but doesn’t want to pry, so she just says “Hey, squirt,” smiles, and leaves it at that.
Erin smiles, and without saying anything, settles in to do some poetry stuff for school. Before long, though, she can’t hold it in any longer.
“H, do you believe in ghosts?” Erin looks like she might be scared of hearing the answer.
Holtzmann knows how this goes, but she has to ask anyway. “What happened?”
“No I don’t want to say what happened that’s what everyone asks! What if nothing happened! I just want to know if you believe in ghosts!” Erin’s sudden rush of anger breaks Holtz’s heart. It’s started, then. Her old neighbour is haunting her.
“I definitely believe in ghosts.” Erin’s relief is palpable.
“So you wouldn’t think I was lying? There’s a ghost and she comes and visits me and my parents think I’m lying and they sent me to a therapist and she says she doesn’t think I’m lying but I heard her talking to my parents when I was supposed to be in the bathroom and she does! She does think I’m lying and she’s lying to me!” Erin starts breathing heavily and Holtz isn’t an expert but she thinks Erin might be having a panic attack. There have a been a number of times over the years when Holtz has wanted to beat the shit out of one or both of Erin’s parents, but at this moment, she doesn’t think she’s ever been angrier.
She holds out her arms and Erin flies into them. “Erin, I want you to breathe with me, okay? Can you feel me breathing?”
Erin nods, but she’s shaking, hard, so Holtz steadies herself and starts to take slow, even breaths. She can feel Erin trying hard to match her and she thinks it’s working, because she’s hearing less gasping, and Erin seems to be gripping her less tightly. She soon seems to be calm again.
“My Mom and Dad think I’m crazy.”
Holtz holds her finger up to her temple and looks up to the roof of the cubby house. “Special permission for time travel magic powers to activate?” A pause. “Granted. Thank you.” She turns to Erin. “I know about your ghost, okay? And I want you to know that I believe you one hundred percent. You can always talk to me about anything and I won’t think you’re crazy, no matter what anyone else says.” She holds Erin close again, and she can feel herself leaving. She hopes her words will be enough comfort to last when she’s gone.
***
They’re on a bust and she can feel herself going. She yells a word of warning to the others - they’re quick to respond, this has happened once before, and they have a plan in place. She’s gone.
She’s lying in a thankfully deserted hospital room. There are clean scrubs around, and she grabs some and quickly stumbles into them, hoping to sneak out of the building and find somewhere to lay low for a few hours, until she can work out when she is.
She slips through the door into an unmarked hallway, and is trying to find an elevator, because she can see she’s at least six floors up. A doctor and nurse round the corner, and give her a somewhat strange look.
“Dr Holtzmann!” blurts out the nurse. “You’re here! Why are you we-”
The doctor cuts her off. “Please, Dr. Holtzmann, your wife’s in the room down the hall.” He points over his shoulder. “She told me we might expect you to be… a little lost.”
Erin’s here? Shit, shit shit. What’s wrong? Holtz jogs to catch up with the doctor and he leads her to a room with… A very sweaty, heavily pregnant Erin. That’s… both a relief and a shock.
Erin catches sight of her. “Holtz!” She reaches out, and Holtz flits over to grab her hand.
“I’m not… I don’t-”
“I know, I know, but the other you is… traffic. But they need me to push and I can’t do it without you.” Erin’s voice has started to break.
“Shh, I’m right here. Let’s do this thing. Squeeze my hand as hard as you need.”
The next hour goes by in a blur. Holtz keeps her eyes trained on Erin’s face, brushing back her fringe every so often and kissing her forehead. She’s been thrown in the deep end, here, so she kind of hopes that the real her might show up soon to take over, but honestly, once she got over the shock of seeing a pregnant Erin, she can’t imagine a more beautiful sight.
Until the blur is over and she’s being handed a child, and that’s the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen and Erin’s being handed another and that’s… weird, and she looks down at Erin, and Erin’s face looks very much like that of someone who is realising they didn’t actually tell their wife that two babies were going to come out of their body.
She leans down and kisses Erin on the mouth, mindful of the two tiny bodies now between them, and distantly hears a phone buzzing.
One of the doctor’s hands Erin’s phone to Holtzmann, and she’s talking to herself. The now her is down in the lobby of the hospital, wants her to come down so they don’t confuse the shit out of the doctors. Holtz has to tear herself away from Erin’s side, and from her daughters, but she murmurs in Erin’s ear “I’ll be up soon” and Erin seems to understand and nods and kisses her and lets her go.
She finds her self on the ground floor, and they high five as they jog past each other. “Tag team! Have fun up there.” Her self grins and she thinks maybe starts crying but the elevator doors close before she gets a proper look. Holtz finds a park to lie in, and can’t stop reviewing the last few hours in her mind, until she jolts down onto a wooden floor.
Erin, Patty and Abby are lowering the ghost into the containment unit they brought. Holtz is right near the pedal so she slams down on it and the proton streams stop. She grabs her jumpsuit and shimmies into it quickly, while Abby and Patty turn around.
“That’s right, come back just in time to not have to deal with the ghost,” Patty calls over her shoulder. “Unbelievable.” But she’s smiling.
Once Holtzmann gets Erin alone that night, she grabs her shoulders and jumps up and down.
“Let’s have babies.”
Erin has yet to ask Holtzmann about her excursion that afternoon. “What happened?”
“I watched you give birth. You were so beautiful. And they were so beautiful.”
“They?”
“Twins?” She smiles guiltily, like she might have given away too much. Erin kisses her so hard she thinks she might burst.
***
It’s a lazy Sunday morning - nothing out of the ordinary. The twins are charging around their apartment, occasionally checking in with Erin and Holtzmann, who are curled up in bed, just chatting and dozing.
“It’s their fourth birthday next month.” Erin says idly. “What are we going to do?”
Holtz thinks for a minute. “Nah, we’ll figure something out. They’ll be four. They just want cake. And maybe dinosaurs.”
Holtzmann’s face suddenly creases a little, and Erin lightly touches her arm, concerned. “What’s up?”
“No, I was just thinking… I don’t know how I didn’t notice before. I haven’t… gone anywhere since the twins were born. That’s longer than… ever. Maybe…” Holtz is hesitant to say the words, in case she’s wrong.
A smile spreads across Erin’s face, as she realises what Holtz is saying is true. It’s… almost relief? “I’ll tell you a secret. I never saw you any older than mid-thirties, which didn’t mean anything to me as a child. But when we… when I figured what we were to each other, I got worried. I thought you might leave me, or-” She takes a deep breath. “But maybe…”
“Maybe I don’t have to go anywhere, now that I’ve found my place.” They hold each other, there, then.