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Cullen never wanted to admit it to anyone at all but he ached for Avise since before Haven fell. It wasn’t until she argued with him in the middle of the Chantry that he realized it. It had been easy to forget she was not some divine figure. Sure, he scoffed the title off all the same but her actions throughout those early days really did give him pause. Did Andraste, or the Maker, send her to them?
Then they reached Skyhold and the rumors started inside the keep. Avise was seen with Solas, lingering glances between the two elven apostates and Cullen resigned himself to yet another secret crush on someone he could never have. As tempting as it was to delve deeper into those feelings… he pushed them away. The Commander held no claim over the elven woman with biting sarcasm and kind eyes, who looked at him with compassion when he showed any form of weakness in regards to lyrium withdrawal.
Then he saw her that day in the courtyard. She returned from some romantic getaway with Solas, the Commander only half paying attention as Josephine gushed about it around the war table. Avise was pale and wandering through the front gates at Skyhold looking lost. Broken. He hadn’t seen her in any state remotely similar since the news of her clans destruction reached them. That time she was pooled on the floor, sobs coming from the elf as Solas consoled her. Solas was nowhere to be seen then.
He strode over to her, seeing the distinct lack of facial tattoo that once adorned her features. That was a tattoo, they were supposed to be permanent. What did the Dalish call it? Vallaslin. She did not speak about it often but he knew enough from discussions with Josephine that it represented the Dalish Creators, their gods. Now it was gone, they weren’t supposed to disappear. Avise was almost catatonic as he tried to get through to her and that pining started again. Cullen knew he should not have seen her in such a way, he knew she was a strong person but in that moment he wanted to protect her from everything, especially what caused her that grief.
Later, he would come to find out it was Solas who caused it. Avise never admitted to what prompted the removal of her vallaslin but Varric and Dorian were not tight lipped when it came to what happened between the two apostates. Solas broke off their relationship. After that, all he could do was watch Avise spiral and fear for her own safety. She began to take increasingly dangerous risks while in the field. Josephine and Leliana were worried too, of course. When she came back from the desert with new scars and torn armor, fighting a dragon of all things, he resigned himself to supporting her where he could. She clearly needed it.
So when Bull told him he should join them for drinks, that her entire inner circle was meeting in the tavern to support the Inquisitor - of course he went. When Varric told him to ensure Avise’s safety in returning to her chambers, he complied without hesitation. He was meant to protect the Inquisition, meant to protect the Inquisitor. That was his job. What he hadn’t expected was for the elf to kiss him and drag him upstairs. Cullen knew in the back of his mind she was trying to forget Solas, that she was using him to do so but he didn’t care. He finally got to feel her skin under his hands, moans and whimpers he could have only dreamed about prior coming from her lips. How unraveled he felt when his name dropped from her mouth while he was deep inside of her.
That had been months ago. In that time Avise defeated Corypheus. Solas left the Inquisition without a word to anyone besides a letter to the Inquisitor. One she would not allow anyone to read, the woman clinging to the pendant Solas wore the entirety of the Inquisition. It should not have bothered him but when she dragged him into bed to forget herself, to forget him, seeing the necklace around her neck while she cried out Cullen’s name created a strange mixture of jealousy and anger towards the man. Why did he get her heart when Cullen was only permitted her body? He told her he did not need more but he lied. As time went on and their dalliances increased, his pining only worsened. The Commander could not let it go, waking up to an empty bed, Avise sneaking off after he fell asleep hurt more than he anticipated.
Then there was that evening, when it all came to a head. Cullen was fast asleep, Avise stayed for once. He could feel her warmth beside him and it was a comfort. He almost felt like they were something more. The elf next to him began to talk in her sleep, mumbling what sounded like This is not real. This is not real. Cullen opened his eyes, waiting a few moments until she sat up straight in the bed gasping for air. Whatever nightmare invaded her dreams pushing her to the waking world with a jolt. Avise looked around, slowly coming back to herself and realizing where she was. Her hand tightly grasping that fucking necklace, as if it was the only thing that could comfort her in that moment.
His hand tentatively reached for her as she slid from the bed, frantically locating her clothing and pulling them onto her body. Cullen heard it in his voice as he spoke, that hurt. He tried to push it away, tried to ignore it but he wanted more. He needed more and he knew he could treat her better than Solas ever did. “You do not need to go.” She said nothing in response, merely staring at him for a few moments, a strange look on her face. He continued, “Do you want to talk about it?” The elf shook her head, he noticed she sounded out of breath. Afraid, upset. Whatever the nightmare was… it was a bad one. “It was just a bad dream. Nothing to worry about.” Avise continued to locate pieces of clothing, redressing as quickly as she could to get out of there. Away from him.
A mixture of anger and sadness hit Cullen suddenly, rising from the bed he wrapped the sheet around his waist. Approaching her slowly, he saw the frown dart across her lips, “Avise… we could be more. If you wanted more. Needed more.” Cullen knew he was the one that needed more and desperately hoped that maybe she could love him too. Avise stilled, panic now on her features, “Cullen… I can’t. It hurts too much. I can’t give you something I no longer possess.” Of course, Solas still held her heart. She never gave up on the man. Cullen never hated anyone more in that moment.
That is when Cullen began to spiral himself. The lyrium withdrawal did little to help, the pounding headache behind his eyes threatened to erupt. He heard it in his voice, the anger now the strongest emotion in his words, “Avise. He left you. If he really loved you like you loved him, he would not have left. I could show you how you should be treated. You should be worshiped. I want to kneel before you if you would just let me in.”
The elf opened her mouth, sadness now settling in her eyes. Whatever he said wrong, it was the exact worst thing he could have said. Avise’s voice wavered as she spoke, “I am not yours to worship, Cullen. I am not the religious figure the Chantry wants me to be. I do not want to be put on some pedestal by you, untouchable and divine. I am just me. I never wanted anything else but to just be me.”
Cullen held onto the sheet with one hand, the other reaching out and grabbing her by the arm so she could not leave the argument. “I see all the good in you, Avise. You could be mine.”
Nope. He somehow made it worse. The woman pulled herself from his grasp, stumbling slightly before she picked up her boots from the floor. The hurt, the pain that settled in her gaze caused a knot in his chest to appear and the headache behind his eyes to flair to life. He had told her many times before, in Haven, in the war room, on the battlefield, that he saw all the good that sat in her heart and her soul. Her drive to do what needed to be done, to save the people who needed saving was part of the reason he had fallen in love with her.
Her next words broken him entirely, standing at the center of his room. Avise spoke through gritted teeth, tears streaming down her face, “Fuck every time you say you saw the good in me, Cullen. I know you hate it but I am not and will never be yours. For the record, I am not his either. Just because I still love the man does not mean he owns me. He never claimed to, never wanted to.”
Cullen bowed his head, his entire body tensing with her words. He knew she loved Solas still, that she would continue to do so for a long time. There was no room in her heart for something else and he had convinced himself otherwise. The Commander had nothing he could say to fix what he started, the woman backed away from him. There was a hardness to her tone he never heard before, “Goodnight, Cullen.”
Then she left.