Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Counting the Steps to the Door of Your Heart, Part One
Master Post | Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five, Epilogue, and Acknowledgements

Jensen keeps his Dalek costume in the corner of his room, next to the computer desk. He tells people it's there because it doesn't fit in his closet, or because the arms are useful for hanging stuff on, but the real reason is to test people out. He's still waiting for someone to see it and say, 'Cool, a Dalek costume!' instead of, 'what the hell is that?' but he's sure it will happen eventually. It's a truly awesome costume. Jensen had to have it custom-made, because most Dalek costumes are either completely lame or only available in children's sizes. But it was totally worth the extra expense, and it even has a voice modulator inside it so he can say EXTERMINATE with that awesome Dalek reverb.

Sometimes, when Steve is out, Jensen puts it on and prowls around the apartment, EXTERMINATE-ing the appliances. He hopes Steve never has reason to look behind the new bookcase in the living room; the suction cup turned out to be a little stronger than Jensen had anticipated, and there's a nice round tear in the wallpaper.

About once a month, Steve drags Jensen out to a party with him. It would be every weekend if Steve had his way, but Jensen is nothing if not stubborn about his anti-social tendencies. Once a month is about all Steve can get him to agree to. Jensen gives in once a month because otherwise Steve gets bitchy and refuses to wash the dishes.

Jensen honestly has no idea how he managed to become close enough friends with Steve for them to share an apartment. He thinks that maybe Steve keeps him around because Jensen makes him look cool and awesome by comparison, and he knows that Jensen's never going to try to steal any of the girls he has sex with. But every time Steve takes him to a party, Jensen ends up wondering if Steve actually secretly hates him.

Jensen doesn't really like talking to people he doesn't know, which tends to suck a whole lot because, for some reason, people like talking to Jensen. He tries to be as off-putting as possible, sitting in the corner and glaring at people, or hanging out in the kitchen with the food, but it doesn't always work, and strangers come up to him and try to engage him in conversation. Usually about movies Jensen hasn't seen, or music he doesn't like, or sports he doesn't watch. It's tedious.

Sometimes he has alcohol instead of soda, because he's so bored and frustrated that alcohol sounds like a good idea. He doesn't do that very often, because he dislikes the way he doesn't have complete control over himself. These are usually the times that Jensen wakes up in some guy's bed with a massive headache and somewhat blurry memories about who the person next to him is. It's humiliating and frustrating, and the sex is never that good anyway because they're both drunk.

The worst thing that happens at these parties is when the guy Jensen wakes up next to seems really nice, because it invariably turns out that he only had sex with Jensen because he's hot, and even though he is usually the one who asks to see Jensen again, he's also the one who turns out to be a complete dick who runs a mile when he finds out just how weird Jensen is.

Jensen gets really tired of guys thinking he's not worth getting to know better. He's not that bad, is he?

~

It's not that Jensen doesn't like people. He likes people just fine, as long as those people are far away from him and not trying to make him normal. Jensen is usually quite happy, thank you very much. He has two people who he can call friends, he is doing really well in his physical therapy degree, and he even gets to have sex occasionally, although he could do without the depressing aftermath. There is nothing wrong with the fact that he would rather spend a Friday night watching his Doctor Who DVDs than going out drinking, and if he is quite happy to go a week without talking to anyone, that is no one's business but his own.

Danneel gets him. She's awesome, and Jensen's incredibly glad they broke up, because now they can be friends without all that awkward relationship stuff getting in the way, not to mention the sexuality issues that Jensen finally came to terms with while he was with Danneel. She doesn't think it's weird at all to prefer your own company, and she even comes over sometimes on Friday nights while Steve is out scoring and getting high so they can watch sci-fi together.

"I can't believe you think Mitchell is more awesome than O'Neill," Jensen sighs as they watch one of his favorite Stargate episodes. He really misses Jack O'Neill, and sometimes scours the internet for good fanfiction in which O'Neill never left the team. He likes to think Danneel doesn't know this, but it's hard to hide shit like that from her. The girl's too damned intuitive for her own good.

"It was unexpected," Danneel admits. This is an old conversation, one they've had a thousand times before, but it's comfortable, and they can have it while watching the show and not miss anything good. "I didn't want to like him, but then he was just so awesome. Also, he looks hot with Daniel."

"Weirdo," Jensen mumbles. He refuses to rise to the bait; he's been a die-hard Jack/Daniel shipper since the first episode, and Danneel never tires of making fun of him for it.

"So did Brian call you?" Danneel asks nonchalantly a short time later.

Jensen sighs and shakes his head, staring at the television screen so he doesn't have to look Danneel in the eye. "We only went out on that one date."

"You could call him."

"Don't want to. He thinks that American Football should be the compulsory religion for everyone living in the USA."

"You're exaggerating."

"Only slightly," Jensen mutters. "I swear, the moment I started telling him about what I'm into, his eyes glazed over and he started checking out the waiter."

"Ass," Danneel says. She puts her arm around Jensen's shoulders and pulls him close, ruffling his hair. "And baby, you aren't weird. You're awesome."

"Tell that to every single other person in the world who has ever met me," Jensen says, feeling unnaturally morose. Brian had been a dick, but he was just the latest in a long string of dicks, and Jensen is fucking tired of this. "God, I just want someone who's nice and isn't going to judge me for being who I am."

"Hate to break it to you, but you're never going to meet that person if you keep going out with Steve. He only knows man whores."

"I know," Jensen groans. "But where the hell else am I going to meet someone? You're no help; your friends are all girls."

"There's no one in your classes who you like?"

"Tried that already. If my ideal mate is doing physical therapy at Pacific, he is not in any of my classes."

"Speaking of, did you get that assignment done? You sounded freaked out the other night."

Jensen sighs and burrows his face into Danneel's neck. "Yeah. But I'm going to fail the next one."

"Why's that?"

"We have to demonstrate patient empathy. And I don't get to do my hospital placement after spring break if I fail."

"Oh god."

"I know."

"You're going to fail so badly."

"I know."

"Like, you'll get negative marks."

"I know! Shut up!"

Jensen turns his attention back to the television, wishing they had classes on How To Be A People Person.

~

The best ideas always arrive at three in the morning. Jensen sometimes thinks that people should all sleep during the day and work during the night, because then they would be able to take advantage of the three AM brainwaves. Like the one Jensen had just now, the one which was so adamant about its wonderfulness and truthfulness that Jensen had to get out of bed to implement it. He finishes up fairly quickly and is back in bed and asleep again within half an hour. By the time he gets home from his classes the next day, he's almost forgotten about it until he opens his email.

"Holy shit!" he yelps.

"What? What is it?" Steve asks, coming in from the kitchen to peer at Jensen's laptop screen. "Dude! Stop looking at porn in the living room!"

"I'm not looking at porn," Jensen says, unable to tear his eyes away from the screen. It's like a trainwreck.

"There's a giant picture of a dick on your screen. You're looking at porn." Steve shudders and heads back to the kitchen.

"Not porn!" Jensen yells after him, finally managing to go to the next email. There are almost sixty new messages in his inbox, most of them from the dating website he signed up with last night. "God, what have I done?" he murmurs to himself, skimming through the emails. Almost every single message is along the lines of 'ur hot, wanna hook up?' and Jensen deletes those without even bothering to reply. He's relieved to find only two more messages with pictures of penises in them, but he's seriously disappointed that none of the people who messaged him even bothered to read the profile he put up.

He logs into the dating website again and takes his picture down. Hopefully this will mean that people actually read his profile instead of only reacting to his picture. With a sigh, he opens up Word and gets to work on his assignment on patient empathy. This is going to suck.

"Hey, Steve?" he calls after a short time.

"You're not jerking off, are you?" Steve yells back from the kitchen. He's been hiding in there for the past half hour, and Jensen hasn't heard any sounds of cooking or cleaning.

"It wasn't porn! Someone just emailed me a picture of their dick, okay?"

"You're weird, Jensen," Steve grumbles, coming out of the kitchen. "What do you want?"

"Can you, um, pretend to be a patient?"

"What?"

"I need to learn how to deal with people! And you and Danneel are the only people I talk to so I need to practice on someone, okay?"

"Do I get a free massage?"

"No! Look, just sit in the chair and pretend that you've hurt yourself. I dunno, like that ankle injury you had last year."

"Don't you get to practice this at school?" Steve grumbles, but he sits down like Jensen asks.

"Not enough," Jensen sighs, rubbing a hand over his face. His practical is in three days, and if he can't show that he has even a scrap of bedside manner, he's going to fail. That's the kicker—Jensen is a fucking awesome physical therapist. Everyone he's ever worked on tells him so; every instructor he's ever had has given him excellent marks and high praise. But—and Jensen has come to really hate that word—he'll never pass his course if he can't develop the ability to empathise with his patient. He's lost count of the number of times he's completed a practical and been informed that that was really good, Jensen, but you need to work on your patient empathy.

"Spacing out is not gonna help you," Steve says, and Jensen grimaces.

"Okay. Um. Tell me what the problem is."

Steve launches into the story that Jensen already knows; he was coming off stage when he caught his foot in some badly-laid cords, and while trying to keep his balance, he twisted his ankle so badly it dislocated. It happened over a year ago, and Jensen can still remember how white with pain Steve had been that night. They'd had to carry him into the emergency room, where the doctors popped the ankle back into place with surprising ease.

"Are you listening to me?" Steve snaps, and Jensen blinks. Shit, he hadn't been listening, he'd been thinking about the cute doctor who'd worked on Steve that night.

"Yeah. Yeah. Sorry," Jensen mumbles. He pretends to examine Steve's ankle and walks him through some basic exercises to strengthen the muscle without putting it at risk of dislocating again. When they're done, he looks at Steve expectantly, who frowns back at him.

"You're right, you suck at this," he says.

"What? I did everything right!" Jensen says sharply.

Steve rolls his eyes. "Technically, maybe. But on a personal level, you failed completely. You didn't put me at ease. I was seriously tense and worried, man. You didn't commiserate, you didn't try to make me feel comfortable. "

"How am I supposed to do that?"

"Small talk. Show some interest. Act like you care about me."

"But I'm not trying to be a friend," Jensen replies, feeling as confused as he always does at this point. "Why should I make small talk to someone who I don't even know, and am never going to be friends with?"

"Doesn't matter," Steve says. "Just try."

"Thanks," Jensen says dully. "I guess I should practice my small talk."

"Come out with me tonight, I'm going to Tom's to watch the game."

"No thanks," Jensen replies. "You know I can't stand Tom. And I still haven't quite gotten over the last time I went out with you." He grimaces, remembering Brian and what an ass he had been.

"Your loss, dude," Steve says, getting out of his chair and patting Jensen on the shoulder. "Have fun with your porn."

"It's not porn, I signed up at a dating website!" Jensen says angrily.

"A dating website?" Steve asks, a frown on his face.

"Yeah," Jensen sighs. He hadn't meant to tell Steve. "I figured I'd give it a go. Can't hurt, right?"

"Any good ones?" Steve asks, sitting down again and grabbing Jensen's laptop. He opens it up before Jensen can stop him and clicks over to his email. "Whoa. You got heaps of replies!"

"Unfortunately," Jensen says, snatching his laptop away from Steve, "the ones who didn't send me pictures of their dicks are imbecilic retards who can't even string a sentence together."

"Dude, if a girl sent me a picture of her boobs, I would so be there," Steve says thoughtfully.

"And that is where you and I are different," Jensen points out. "I'm not a slut."

"It has its upsides," Steve says with a grin.

"Don't you get sick of taking advantage of girls who just want to sleep with you because you're in a band?" Jensen asks.

"Nope, can't say I do," Steve replies. "Why, do you get tired of people sleeping with you just because you're hot?"

"Yes!" Jensen explodes. "There's no connection, no intimacy, you get nothing out of it except an orgasm!"

"I like orgasms," Steve points out. "And I don't have to buy her flowers or chocolate or shit."

"You're useless," Jensen sighs, refreshing his email to see if there have been any messages since he took his picture down. He's surprised to see that there is one—and even more surprised to find that there are no spelling errors and that the guy has not once resorted to text speak.

Hi, you sound kind of interesting, and I can't resist a Doctor Who fan. Hope your day is going well.

"Hmm," Jensen says thoughtfully and clicks over to the guy's profile. He has a blurry picture, showing a guy with curly hair and a wide smile.

"Hey, he's not too bad," Steve says, peering over Jensen's shoulder.

"Fuck off," Jensen mumbles. "Don't you have a party to go to?" He opens up a reply screen and wonders what to say to the guy.

Hey! Nice to hear from someone who can spell. ;) My day's going okay, I've got a practical assessment on Monday that's freaking me out but apart from that it's all good. How about you?

It's kinda lame, Jensen has to admit, but he's new to this whole internet dating thing. He figures that he can be as lame as he wants.

Once Steve has left, Jensen climbs into his Dalek costume and scoots around the apartment for a while. It's a good end to the week, even when Danneel arrives before he can take it off and nearly falls on her ass laughing while he struggles with the headpiece.

~

The guy who messaged Jensen is called Jason. He's a music student who plays his guitar in a coffee shop some evenings for extra cash. Jensen is worried that he's going to turn out to be another Steve, with the music and the partying and the sleeping around, but Jason assures Jensen that this is not the case.

Jensen may have panicked a little and interrogated Jason about his views on loud parties and sports and being a man-whore. He's a little embarrassed by himself, but figures that if Jason is freaked out by all the questions then it's obviously not meant to be. Jason just seemed amused, in a good way, which is a definite step up from the befuddlement and nervous laughter which is the usual response Jensen has from people when he gets freaked out.

After a weekend of trying to occasionally think about his practical on Monday but mostly failing because of the mingled excitement and terror in his stomach over what Jason might be like, it's almost a shock to find himself standing next to one of his classmates with a lecturer in front of them, holding a clipboard and looking very serious.

Jensen gulps. His tutor had told him last week, in no uncertain terms, that if Jensen did not pass this practical—his last chance to prove that he can be a people person when necessary, last chance, do you understand?—then Jensen would not be allowed to proceed to the hospital placement, and would subsequently fail the doctoral program. The idea of failing a program that he worked his ass off getting into makes Jensen want to throw up, so he squares his shoulders, grins at the girl who is going to be his patient, and gets started.

~

"Oh my god," Jensen wheezes.

"Shit, Jensen," Danneel says. Her voice sounds like it's coming from far away, and Jensen feels her hand, warm and reassuring, as she rubs the back of his neck.

"I, uh, I think I might be okay now," Jensen says after a minute of trying to breathe steadily and not hyperventilate. He slowly raises his head from between his knees and leans back against the couch.

"Was it that bad?" Danneel asks, concerned. "Did you—did he fail you?" She keeps rubbing, and Jensen's glad of the contact.

"I don't know. I don't know and I won't find out until tomorrow and he didn't give any indication at all, no smiles or frowns or anything and oh my god I think I'm going to throw up."

"Hey, calm down," Danneel says, pulling him in for a hug. Jensen concentrates on breathing slowly, burying his face in her chest.

"Boobies," he says, indistinctly.

"Shut up," Danneel laughs. "You're not supposed to appreciate them anymore."

"They're aesthetically pleasing, and you're wearing a low-cut top," Jensen points out, looking up at her. "Also, warm and snuggly." Just because he's gay doesn't mean he can't appreciate boobies.

"Speaking of boobies, do you want to watch some Stargate Atlantis? I brought my season four DVDs."

"Ooh," Jensen says, perking up. Teyla's boobies in the latter part of the season are epic; he'd go straight for those babies.

~

A couple of hours later they've moved from Stargate Atlantis to Doctor Who; Jensen even managed to get Danneel to agree to watch Blink. There are empty containers of takeout on the coffee table, and Jensen's changed into his Transformers pajamas. They always help him relax when he's tense, a lot like his Dalek costume but slightly more socially acceptable.

"I fucking hate this episode," she mutters for the millionth time, grabbing hold of Jensen's arm.

"You love it," Jensen disagrees. He's about to poke Danneel in the side when his phone beeps.

"Dude, who's texting you?" Danneel asks. Jensen's surprised too; the only people who tend to text him are Danneel and Steve, and Steve's in bed with a migraine.

"Probably my mom," Jensen replies, fishing around in the couch cushions for his cell. "I told her about my practical. She's probably panicking and making plans for when I fail and have to go home."

"Your parents are so supportive," Danneel notes cynically.

"Tell me about it," Jensen mutters, finally finding his cell and flipping it open. "Oh."

"What? What is it?" Danneel asks, leaning over to try to read. Jensen pulls away, laughing.

"It's Jason." He'd included his cellphone number in the last email he sent to Jason over the weekend, his stomach sinking a little when he clicked 'send'—he really hopes that giving a stranger from the internet his cellphone number isn't going to backfire on him.

"Ooh! The mystery man you've been emailing all weekend!"

"Yeah," Jensen says, smiling despite himself.

"What did he say?"

"'Hope your practical went well, I'm sure you did great'," Jensen reads.

"Aww. He's so sweet. What's wrong with him?"

"Why does there have to be something wrong with him?"

"Because he sounds too good to be true. Is he ugly?"

Jensen considers. "No, he's not. He's kinda cute."

"Hmm," Danneel says thoughtfully. "You gonna meet him?"

"If I tell you something really lame, will you laugh at me?" Jensen asks, not looking at Danneel.

"Jensen, you know I'm gonna laugh at you. But I won't judge you, I promise."

Jensen scowls. "Thanks for the vote of confidence."

Danneel twists around on the couch and folds her legs up underneath her body, facing Jensen and looking gleeful. "Spill. What new lame thing can I add to the list?"

"I, um. I did some research in the weekend. On small talk." He glances up, but Danneel just looks mildly amused. "And I found this website and it was great and really helpful and it was for people who speak English as a second language. And I took notes."

"Oh, Jensen," Danneel says fondly. "Was this for your practical?"

"No, it wasn't!" Jensen says. "I want to meet Jason, but I don't know how to talk to strangers."

"You go out on dates all the time," Danneel points out. "Just the other weekend, you went out with Brian."

"Yeah, but we'd already had that intimate connection of his dick in my ass. Once you've had someone's—"

"Please, please, stop there," Danneel interrupts, a pained look on her face.

"Sorry," Jensen says. "Anyway, I made some notes on small talk and realized that I could use them for my practical as well."

"And did you?"

"Yeah, I did," Jensen says. He frowns slightly. "I hope it worked."

"You researched small talk," Danneel says, a huge grin on her face. "That's the dorkiest, most adorable thing I have ever heard."

"Shut up," Jensen mutters, flipping his cell open again to reply to Jason's message.

I hope so, find out 2moro! How'd the singing go tonite?

He gets a reply not even a minute later, and Danneel elbows him in the side and laughs when he flails to grab his cell again.

Yeah pretty good. U want to come along 2moro nite?

"Oh god, he's asked me out," Jensen says, suddenly feeling dizzy and a bit sick.

Danneel squeaks, actually squeaks. "Oh my god! You're going to say yes, right?"

"Um," Jensen says.

"Say yes," Danneel instructs. "Then I can make you over. It'd be like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, but in reverse! I dunno, Straight Girl for the Queer Guy? It doesn't have the same ring to it..."

Jensen's not listening; he's busy texting Jason back, asking for a time and a place, and he sends it off before he can panic and change his mind. The reply comes moments later; 8pm, a bar not far from Jensen's apartment.

"Wait, are you saying there's something wrong with how I look?" he asks, suddenly registering what Danneel had said.

Danneel looks him up and down, taking in the Transformers pyjamas, and raises an eyebrow.

"Hey, I'm not going to be wearing these on the date," Jensen objects. "No one has ever complained about how I look when I go out with them! I dress fine!"

Danneel sighs, amused. "I know you do, Jensen. I was just messing with you. It's way too easy!"

"Oh god, can we just shut the hell up about everything in the whole damned world and finish watching this episode?" Jensen groans, turning back to the television and rewinding the section they missed.

Danneel doesn't say anything else, but Jensen can feel the smugness radiating off her.

~

Jensen isn't going to throw up. He's not. Really. He's just feeling a bit unsettled, is all, probably because he drank his coffee way too quickly. He glances at his watch for the hundredth time and leans against the wall, trying desperately to relax. His lecturer said he'd be in his office at nine in the morning to give out results, and Jensen's been here since half past eight. He tries to relax, tries to breathe deeply and not throw up or pass out, tries to think about things other than the fact that his entire career choice depends on what his lecturer says when he finally arrives.

Unfortunately, thinking of other things leads Jensen to think about his upcoming date tonight. It's not much better, and Jensen slides down the wall to sit on his heels, rubbing his temples and thinking about calming things like ocean waves and cows grazing in paddocks. He checks his watch again; ten to nine.

"Jensen?" someone says, and Jensen looks up, his heart rate increasing so quickly he feels a bit dizzy. It's Dr. Singer, and he's holding a large pile of files.

"Um, hi," Jensen says, feeling awkward and a bit stupid. "I'm a bit early—"

"No, no, that's fine. You can hold these for me while I find my keys." Dr. Singer dumps the files in Jensen's arms, fumbling with his keys to open the door. Jensen can't help but notice the top file; it's the thickest of them all, labelled with ACKLES, J.

"Come in," Dr. Singer says, pushing the door open. Jensen follows, and when the door closes behind him it sounds like a death knell.

~

Danneel finds Jensen sitting by himself in the student lounge later that morning, nibbling on a cookie. His coffee has gone cold next to him.

"Oh God," she says, slinging her bag onto the floor and sitting down next to him. "Was it bad?"

"I passed," Jensen says dreamily. "I get to stay in the program."

Danneel shrieks with delight, grabbing Jensen and pulling him into a hug. He's still feeling slightly dazed; he'd been walking in a fog of shock all the way from Dr Singer's office, and it still hasn't hit him completely.

"We need to celebrate," Danneel proclaims. "Um. How should we celebrate?"

Jensen frowns. "People usually have parties to celebrate. I don't want a party."

"It doesn't have to be a party. Anyway, we can't celebrate tonight, because you have your date."

"Fuck," Jensen says, feeling his face drain of color. He'd almost forgotten, what with all the excitement of no longer failing and all. "What am I going to wear?"

Danneel frowns at him. "What's wrong with what you're wearing now?"

Jensen glances at the clothes he took off the pile this morning. His t-shirt says I ♥ my geek, and while it's an awesome t-shirt, it doesn't really scream 'first date'. At least his jeans are only on their third wearing and he thinks he can get another two days out of them before they should be washed. "I think I'll change my shirt when I get home—" he starts, but Danneel shakes her head.

"Don't. Be a fucking geek, Jensen."

"But—"

"Don't be someone you're not. This guy already knows how paranoid you can be, and didn't he say he was a bit of a geek himself?"

"Yeah, he did," Jensen says, giving up.

"There you go, then." She glances at her watch and stands up. "Gotta go, sorry. Auditions in fifteen minutes!"

"Oh, hey, good luck for that!" Jensen says, giving her an encouraging smile.

"Thanks. You gonna be okay?"

"Hope so," Jensen sighs. "I gotta go to work." It's not a bad job, shelving books at the library. He gets to wear headphones and not interact with people, but it's so boring that Jensen has plenty of time to think about everything that is wrong with his life.

~

Steve is skeptical, to say the least.

"You met him on the internet?" he asks disparagingly.

"Uh, yeah," Jensen says. "Remember I told you last week that I'm trying out internet dating?"

"But he might be a psycho! Didn't you hear about that girl who flew all the way from, like, Poland or something and the guy she met was a complete nutjob and tried to kill her?"

Jensen rolls his eyes. "Don't be an ass, Steve," he says. "I'm not stupid. Besides, Danneel's coming."

Steve blinks and stares at Jensen. "You're taking your ex-girlfriend along with you on your date?"

"Not really," Jensen hedges. "She's going to arrive at the cafe ten minutes after I do and sit not too far away so she can leap in and rescue me if necessary." It was one of the better ideas Jensen's ever come up with, and for once he's grateful for all the thinking time his job provides him with.

"Wow," Steve says. "That's actually kinda smart."

"I know," Jensen says smugly. "And if he's a complete psycho within the first minute, I'll text her and she'll rush in with an emergency and drag me away." He glances at his watch; he's got plenty of time to shower and change and even watch an episode of something before he has to leave. Jason said to come along at about a quarter to eight, just before he finishes, and they can have a coffee together. Jensen approves of this plan; it's a very public place for a first meeting, and he'll get to watch Jason sing and play his guitar and get an impression of him before they have to talk.

Talk. Oh, god. Jensen grabs his backpack and hunts for the notes he made on small talk before his practical. He wonders whether it would be a bad idea to write possible conversation topics on his hand to refer to in the event of uncomfortable silences.

In the end, he decides not to go that far; instead, he spends a while making up a clever one-word mnemonic of starters, and writes it on the back of his hand.

~

It's quarter to eight, and Jensen is terrified. It's ridiculous; he's been on dates before and hasn't ever been this scared. But his stomach is churning, and he's sweating through his t-shirt, which is just not good at all. He takes a deep breath and adjusts his jacket, his glasses, his pants, everything, and checks his appearance in a window. Hair looks good, glasses are fine, and he hopes the bright red flush on his cheeks will go down soon. There's nothing else for it; he crosses the road and enters the small, brightly lit cafe.

It's not a place Jensen has ever been before; it's cosy and small, with tables and couches scattered around and a small platform in the corner which is apparently the stage. There's a guy sitting on a stool with a microphone in front of him, and he must be pretty good at what he's doing, because the crowd is hushed, with only a few people talking in murmurs. Jensen slides into an empty seat near the door and watches. It must be Jason; the picture he'd sent Jensen was a bit blurry, but the curly hair is unmistakable.

He's pretty good; the music is kinda folksy, surprisingly similar to what Steve plays, but this isn't a band, just Jason and his guitar. Jensen is glad of the chance to watch Jason, getting a sense of how he looks and moves. He's not too bad looking; not usually the type Jensen goes for, but he figures that his opinion might change when he actually gets to talk to Jason.

The song ends, and Jensen takes the opportunity to get himself a hot chocolate with extra whipped cream. If this was a normal date, he'd be ordering a black triple shot coffee with no sugar or cream, but that always ends up with him being ridiculously wide awake all night. Besides, he's trying to be himself on this date, not be someone he hopes his date will like, and Jensen loves hot chocolate with extra whipped cream. He grabs a couple of packets of sugar as well before going back to his table, where he finds Jason already seated.

"Hi," he says, suddenly feeling incredibly lame and useless.

"Are you Jensen?" Jason asks, smiling hopefully, and Jensen remembers that he never actually sent a picture of himself to Jason.

"Yeah, that's me," he replies, sliding into the empty seat on the other side of the table.

"Oh, thank god," Jason says, sighing with relief. "This guy came in about half past seven and he looked like he hadn't washed for over a week, and I was terrified that it was going to turn out to be you."

Jensen laughs, genuinely amused. "There's a guy in my class like that. I don't know how he can't know how bad he smells! I'm hoping that one day one of the lecturers is going to subtly tell him that he can never be a physical therapist if he stinks."

Just like that, they're having a conversation, and Jensen doesn't need to refer to the mnemonic on his hand once. Jensen talks about the doctoral program he started last year, Jason tells him all about his musical aspirations, and then they get onto Doctor Who. They both bemoan the fact that the latest Christmas Special wasn't all that great, and that the new Doctor is going to have trouble being as awesome as David Tennant.

Danneel turns up not long after they start talking, but she only stays for a couple of minutes when she sees how well they're getting on.

~

"So, how'd it go?" Danneel asks the moment Jensen answers his phone. It's nearly midnight, and he had only just closed his cellphone after texting her to let her know he was home safely. She must have been waiting up for him.

"It was good. Yeah, good." Jensen says, yawning. He kicks his shoes off and heads into his room, looking forward to getting into bed.

"And? Are you going to see him again? He was kinda cute!"

"Yeah. Um." Jensen sighs. "He was nice and everything, and we got on really well, but I'm not attracted to him at all."

"Oh man," Danneel says. "That's a shame."

"What do I do if he calls and asks me out again?"

"Tell him up-front. Don't let him get his hopes up."

"Yeah," Jensen says. He's really disappointed; he had got himself all excited and anticipating, and to discover that even though Jason is a nice guy, he's not Jensen's sort of guy, is a bit of a let down.

"Hey, don't be upset," Danneel chides him. "You've only just started this whole internet-dating thing. You can't expect to meet the love of your life on the first go."

"I know," Jensen murmurs. "I'm gonna go to bed now, talk to you tomorrow?"

"Sure," Danneel says.

Jensen clicks his phone shut and closes his eyes. He can't work out what it was about Jason that didn't appeal—he looked fine, he was friendly, he didn't laugh at Jensen's unorthodox habits, and it had been really easy to talk to him.

Grumbling to himself, Jensen strips his clothes off and slides under the covers, hoping like hell that Jason feels the same way about him.

~

Jensen's eight o'clock class the next morning is not enjoyable in any way whatsoever. It's a lecture, not a practical class, and it's only been ten minutes before he gives up trying to pay attention and leans his head down on his books to take a nap. He's distracted by his cellphone vibrating in his pocket, and he flips it open to find a message from Jason.

Had fun last nite, u want 2 have lunch?

Jensen cringes. He doesn't particularly want to tell the guy via text message that he's not interested; someone did that to Jensen in the past and it made him feel like shit. He replies with sure, meet u in union @ 12? and spends the next forty minutes wondering how best to say 'you're not my type' to someone.

It turns out that it's just that easy. Jason looks uncomfortable when he turns up at lunchtime and sits down at the table Jensen found in the corner of the union. They chat idly for a couple of minutes, and then Jason leans forward, frowning a little.

"Look," he says carefully, "I had a lot of fun last night, but—"

"I'm not your type?" Jensen asks hopefully. Jason bites his lip and nods, looking away. "Thank god," Jensen says, relief flooding through him. "Because you're not my type either."

"Oh man," Jason laughs, "I was freaking out all night and hoping you felt the same!"

"Same here," Jensen says. "God, we're such dorks."

"My roommates and I are doing a Stargate marathon Friday evening, do you wanna come over? We're gonna watch until we fall asleep in our popcorn." Jason says. "I mean, I had fun hanging out with you last night, and it might be good times."

Jensen feels a flash of glee in his stomach. He's made a new friend! He can't honestly remember the last time he became actual friends with a real life person, instead of people on the internet. "Sure!" he says, embarrassingly quickly. "After dinner sometime?"

"Yeah, that'd be great," Jason says, grinning. He scribbles his address down on a piece of paper for Jensen, and they spend an enjoyable hour discussing everything from science fiction to computer games to music. It's relaxing and fun, and Jensen no longer feels disappointed about not wanting to fuck Jason.

~

Jason lives in a three bedroom apartment on the other side of the campus, and Jensen gets lost three times trying to find it. He's almost half an hour later than he said he'd be, and he spends a few minutes trying to think up a good reason to give Jason for his lateness which isn't 'I got lost'.

The apartment door is opened by a guy who is so fucking gorgeous that he can't be real. Jensen blinks a few times, staring, until the guy frowns at him and says, "Are you Jensen?"

"Uh, yeah," Jensen says, trying not to swallow his tongue. Jesus, the guy's taller than he is, floppy hair, almond-shaped eyes, gorgeous smooth skin, and then he grins, and fuck, his dimples are so deep Jensen could lose a finger in there.

"Come in, then," the guy says. "We were starting to think you weren't coming!"

"Got lost," Jensen blurts out and feels incredibly lame for admitting it. He'd meant to say something about saving puppies or helping old ladies cross the road, but this guy has made Jensen stupid. He follows the guy inside, noting how well his pants fit him and how wide his shoulders are. Jensen approves, which means this can only end badly. In Jensen's experience, super hot guys he's attracted to are always either straight and awesome, or gay and complete dickheads. He really wishes he could find someone to buck the trend.

"Hey, Jensen!" Jason calls when Jensen comes into the living room. He's sprawled on a large couch, with a beer in hand, and Jensen waves hello to him, noting the other guy in the room. This one is shorter and blond and squinty, and he waves at Jensen before turning his attention back to the beer in his hand.

Introductions are over quickly; the blond guy is Chad, and the tall gorgeous one is Jared. Jensen hopes for a moment that he's going to get to sit next to Jared on the couch and they can maybe flirt a little, but that hope is destroyed when Jared says, "Hey, is it okay if we wait for Sandy? She said she'll only be ten minutes."

Jensen tries not to sigh. Straight and awesome, of course. Jensen's life sucks.

"I guess," Jason says with a frown. "Why's she coming, though? She hates Stargate."

Jared looks guilty. "Yeah, uh. I promised her I'd try to spend more time with her, so she insisted that I spend every Friday evening with her. And when I said we were having a marathon she said she'd just come along and be with me that way."

"Dude," Chad groans as he heads into the kitchen, "that sucks. She's gonna bitch the whole way through like she did with Firefly!"

"Sorry," Jared says, flopping down on one of the armchairs. He glances at Jensen and grins apologetically. "Sorry," he says again. "My girlfriend. She's a bit... I dunno, actually."

"That's the good thing about guys," Jensen says. "They aren't so confusing." He suddenly stops; how much has Jason told these guys about him?

"So Jason keeps telling us," Chad yells from the kitchen, and Jensen relaxes. Chad comes out carrying an armful of snacks and deposits them on the table in front of Jensen. "Help yourself, man."

There's easy conversation for a while; Jensen forces the disappointment about Jared being straight aside and concentrates on discussing the latest episodes of Stargate Atlantis with the guys. They all agree that the ending was the most pathetic ending of a series since SG-1 finished a while back, and Jensen is quite relieved to hear that he's not the only one who thought the McKay/Keller relationship was contrived and completely pointless. Honestly, if straight guys think that McKay had more chemistry with Sheppard than he did with any of the female characters—well. That says it all, really. Jared's particularly vocal in pointing out all the ways in which Sheppard and McKay were made for each other, and it makes Jensen's own ideas seem superficial in comparison.

They're interrupted by the arrival of Sandy, who lets herself in and announces herself loudly. She's tiny and dark-haired and pretty, but Jensen notices how tense everyone becomes when she comes in and sits down on the floor between Jared's legs. He strokes her hair briefly, and Jensen sees his face change from happy and relaxed to tight and thoughtful.

It's really nasty to hope that someone decides to break up with their girlfriend, especially if that someone is most likely not a fan of sucking other guys' dicks, but Jensen can't help himself. So far, Jared's proven himself to be just as much a geek as Jensen is, if not more so, and in the fifteen minutes since he arrived, no one has mentioned sports even once.

There's an uncomfortable silence for a few moments, Chad and Jason looking at each other and rolling their eyes while Jared absent-mindedly plays with Sandy's hair until she bats his hand away and scowls at him. Jensen would not object at all if Jared was to play with his hair, and he doesn't think he likes Sandy very much.

"So which one are we watching?" Jason asks, crawling across to the DVD player and coming up with a huge pile of Stargate DVDs. "SG-1 or Atlantis?"

"Atlantis!" everyone choruses, and Jason sighs. "You guys suck," he pouts, putting most of the DVDs back. "Next question: which season?"

While Jason and Chad spend ages squabbling over which season to watch—Jensen's easy, really, he likes them all—Jared and Sandy talk quietly. She's frowning, probably irritated at having to spend her evening with Jared watching science fiction DVDs. Jared looks frustrated, like he's trying to make her happy and failing, and Jensen sighs quietly. It's a shame to see so much awesome manliness going to waste on a girl who doesn't seem to appreciate what she has.

"Hey, Jensen!" Jason says, waving a hand in front of his face. Jensen blinks at him, realizing he's been caught staring, and tries not to blush. Jason just grins at him, and holds up season four. "You okay with this?" he asks, and Jensen nods.

It's easy to get immersed in the show, and Jensen almost manages to forget that Jared's sitting only a few feet from him. God, what's wrong with him? He's only just met the guy, and he's already twitching and blushing at the thought of him. It's not just because he's hot—Jensen's slept with good-looking people before, and he's learned that they're usually complete assholes to go along with their looks—but Jared is different.

"I miss Sam," Jared says suddenly.

"Seriously?" Chad throws a chip at Jared's head. "She sucked."

"You really prefer Woolsey?" Jared asks scathingly.

"That's pretty gay," Jason murmurs, and Jensen chokes back a laugh.

"It's not!" Chad objects. "She was the worst leader ever. She didn't know shit about anyone on Atlantis! Remember how she treated Ronon and Teal'c? 'You guys are both dark-skinned aliens, you should get along great!' Woolsey was way better." Chad flops back in his chair, glowering at the screen.

There's a silence, broken only by the sounds from the television. Jensen glances around the room; both Jason and Jared are staring at Chad, open-mouthed. "Dude," Jason says, "I thought you just watched the show for Teyla's boobs."

"I can have layers," Chad says, sounding a little hurt. "Not everything is about boobs, you know. Why do you think I watch Doctor Who?"

"Rose," Jared and Jason both say in unison.

"Shut up," Chad grumbles sulkily. "New guy! Jensen! Sam or Woolsey?"

"Hey, it's his first time here. Don't put him on the spot," Jason argues.

"No," Chad says, "he has to have an opinion. Besides, you're gay, right?" Jensen nods. "Then Sam's boobs aren't going to get in the way of your opinion. Sam or Woolsey?"

"Woolsey," Jensen says promptly. "I mean, I liked Sam in SG-1, but I didn't like her as a leader. She never really had what Elizabeth had. And I like Woolsey even though I thought he was a complete dick first off."

"Sorry, Jared," Jason says, smirking. "You're outnumbered."

"God, I hate you guys," Jared says. "Sandy, you gonna back me up?"

"Hmm?" she says, glancing up at him and putting her cellphone down. "Sorry, I wasn't listening."

Jared sighs, and the conversation ends there.

~

Sandy makes it through one complete episode before she gives up. "I'm going," she announces as the credits roll, pushing Jared's hand off her shoulder and standing up.

"But—" Jared objects, and Sandy glares at him.

"Nice to meet you, Jensen," she says politely, even though she hasn't said a word to him except 'hello' when she first arrived. Jared looks confused, irritated, and he follows her out of the room, closing the door after him. Raised voices can be heard from the hallway, and Jensen squirms uncomfortably.

"Um. What's that all about?" he asks tentatively. Jason and Chad glance at each other and sigh.

"They've been together for like, five years," Jason says. "But I don't think—"

Jared comes back, looking supremely pissed off, and Jason shuts up. "Can we watch now?" Jared asks. He glances at the chair he'd been sitting in, then the empty space on the couch between Jensen and Jason, and chooses the couch. He's huge and warm, his leg pressed tight against Jensen's on the narrow couch, and Jensen doesn't know what to do with his hands.

"Hey, everything okay?" Jason asks, putting an arm around Jared's shoulders and pulling him close.

"I don't know what to do with her anymore," Jared sighs. "I try so hard to do things she likes, and she seemed perfectly happy to come over tonight, and then she basically yelled at me for making her sit through a show she doesn't even like."

"Shit, man," Chad says quietly. Jensen feels supremely uncomfortable; he's walked into the middle of an incredibly complicated situation, and wonders if he should leave. No one says anything else, though; Jason pats Jared on the shoulder and lets him lean on him while they watch the next episode, and half an hour later, they're all back to debating the merits and flaws of characters, plot points, scripts, and everything else under the sun, like the Sandy thing never even happened.

~

Jared doesn't hang around much longer; after another episode, which he didn't seem to pay any attention to at all, he makes his excuses and says he's going to bed. The space next to Jensen is suddenly cold and empty, and he's disappointed. There's another uncomfortable silence when he's gone, and Jensen clears his throat.

"Maybe I should go," he says, not really wanting to.

"No, stay," Jason says. "It's only nine."

"Don't worry about Jared," Chad says. "He's just being a whiny bitch because he's finally starting to realize that he and Sandy aren't gonna be the happily ever after fairytale he's been hoping for."

"That kinda sucks," Jensen says.

"Tell me about it," Jason sighs. "He's no fun to be around. Usually he talks your ear off but he's been in such a shitty mood lately. I wish they'd just break up already."

Jensen doesn't quite know what to say to that, so he turns his attention back to the television.

Chad is the next one to leave, giving the excuse that he's got work in the morning, and Jensen is left alone with Jason.

"Your friends are so much more awesome than mine," Jensen says thoughtfully.

"How so?" Jason asks.

"I live with a stoner musician who goes and gets drunk every weekend and keeps trying to hook me up with jerks. My best friend is my ex-girlfriend who I met because aforesaid stoner musician kept kicking me out of our dorm room to get laid, and she lived next door."

"Dude," Jason says sympathetically.

"She's awesome, though; we like all the same stuff and she's heaps of fun to hang out with. But ... yeah. It's nice to know it's not just me and her."

They sit in silence for a few minutes before Jason suddenly says, "Jared's bisexual, by the way."

Jensen tries to hide the way his heart leaps with excitement, but he's altogether too fast and chirpy when he says, "Really?"

"Really."

"Um, okay. Why are you telling me this?"

Jason raises his eyebrows at him. "You're not subtle, you know."

Jensen blushes. "Shut up."

"Just saying," Jason says. "Give him a month or two. I don't think he and Sandy are gonna last much longer. We're all just waiting for them to figure it out. And when he does, you might have to beat him over the head if you wanna have him. He's not as observant as I am."

"He doesn't seem to be a jerk," Jensen muses.

"Why would he be?" Jason asks, looking confused, and Jensen explains to him in depth how every single guy he's ever been attracted to has ended up a jerk.

"Jared would break the pattern, then," Jason observes, and Jensen nods.

"I'm seriously fucking tired of going out with guys who think that everyone in the world is into beer, sports, and casual sex. That's why I went online."

"I know what you mean," Jason says. "I was going out with this guy, Chris. For like, two years. We broke up 'cause he had to move to fucking England. And it's impossible to find anyone here unless you just want to get laid!"

"I know, man. And whenever I do manage to score a date, the moment I mention what I like, I feel like I'm a nerd at school surrounded by jocks about to beat me up," Jensen sighs.

"Not being into Doctor Who should be a crime," Jason says thoughtfully.

"I know, right?"

"It's a fucking sin."

"I have a Dalek costume," Jensen blurts out. Jason stares at him, wide-eyed, and for a moment Jensen thinks he's crossed a line and passed into 'way too geeky,' but then Jason clears his throat and says, "Can I try it on one day?"

~

It's nearing midnight when Jensen eventually gets home. He'd traded his most traumatic dating stories with Jason, and it's a shame there's no attraction between them, because Jason's awesome. Jared, though—Jensen can really get behind the idea of hooking up with Jared. Having an actual relationship with him, even. He gets into bed and turns the light off, imagining for a brief moment taking Jared home to Dallas with him, introducing him to his parents as 'my boyfriend', his parents not being upset at all about Jensen being gay.

He sighs; that's never going to happen. One of the reasons he's all the way up here in Oregon is because he's too scared to go home and come out to his parents. He's pretty sure they'll have difficulty with it, and he'd rather wait until he has his doctorate under his belt before he tells them.

His thoughts turn back to Jared; tall, incredibly gorgeous, amazing Jared. The brief smile he gave Jensen, showing off his dimples. The curve of his ass in those jeans, the spread of his shoulders, the waves of floppy hair falling over his face and the back of his neck. Jensen sighs softly and reaches down to touch his half-hard cock, cupping it in his hand and tugging it until it's fully hard. Jared has incredibly long fingers; Jensen imagines sucking on them, licking them until they're dripping, then imagines Jared spreading his legs and slipping those fingers into him, forcing their way inside him.

He chokes back a groan and frantically licks his own fingers, widening his knees and planting his feet firmly on the bed so he can fuck himself with his fingers, shove them deep inside while he jerks his cock. There's precome leaking all over his belly, and Jensen imagines Jared licking it up, nuzzling him gently before sucking Jensen's cock into his mouth.

"Fuck," Jensen whispers softly, hips jerking as he pushes back against his fingers and forward into his hand. It's too hot; sweat is prickling behind his knees and underneath him, and he lets go of his cock to throw the covers back, the cool air of the room making his nipples harden.

The sound of skin on skin is loud in the room, and Jensen bites his lip, imagining his cock all the way at the back of Jared's throat, Jared staring up at him as he sucks and swallows around it, a smile visible in his eyes. Jared's long fingers inside him, rubbing against his prostate, making Jensen want to scream.

He pictures Jared's cock; it's gotta be fucking huge considering the size of the guy and his huge hands. He imagines it sliding into him, imagines Jared holding him down and fucking him, the weight of his body on top of Jensen, his breath warm on Jensen's neck, his hand around Jensen's cock, jerking him off as they fuck. Jensen bites off a groan and comes hard, covering his hand and stomach as he pants and gasps his way through it.

"I am so screwed," he sighs quietly once he's cleaned up and pulled the covers back over him. This crush is going to suck.

~

"You went out with the guy, then met him for lunch, then went around to his place to watch DVDs, and now you want to fuck his roommate?"

"Okay, that is seriously the worst sum-up of the situation ever. In the entire world." Jensen glares at Danneel, who just grins at him.

"It's true, though, isn't it?"

"Well, kinda," Jensen allows. "But Jason and I established right off that we don't want in each other's pants, so what's wrong with me wanting to fuck his roommate?"

"His roommate, who has a girlfriend, who he's been with for five years."

"You're acting like I'm going to fucking jump on him while they're still together. I'm not gonna do that!"

"Please don't," Danneel says, looking genuinely worried. "I don't want to be friends with someone who enables cheating."

"I won't," Jensen says softly.

"Because you know how I felt when Nate cheated on me, and no matter what you think of Sandy, you can't ever put her in that situation, okay?"

"I know. I'm not a dick, Danneel. Which Nate was, by the way."

"Yeah, he really was," she sighs. "And speaking of his dick? It was tiny. Like, the first time I saw it soft? I had to turn away or burst out laughing."

"That's awesome," Jensen says, chuckling. "God's way of getting back at cocky guys, I think. The biggest assholes always have the smallest dicks."

"So how big do you think Jared's is?" Danneel asks. She's grinning slyly, and Jensen blushes, thinking about his jerk-off session the night before.

"Judging by the rest of him? Fucking huge. And he doesn't seem like an ass at all, which would make it even bigger." Jensen's eyes glaze over and he spends a few moments imagining it before Danneel pokes him in the side.

"Concentrate!" she says, and Jensen realizes he's driven off the road and into a ditch. He tosses the Playstation controller down and sighs.

PART TWO