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"He doesn't deserve this." Akaashi mumbled into the dead silence that took over the room after his heated argument with Kuroo. "He deserves better and we are all in the way."
There was no noise except for the beeping of Tsukishima's heart monitor and the footsteps of doctors and nurses rushing from room to room, patient after patient.
Finally, Bokuto broke the silence. A heart wrenching sob ripped out of his mouth and filled the room with more pitiful sobs from the corner where he stood in, fartherest away from Tsukishima's comatosed body.
Bokuto's eyes were screwed tight, refusing to let the tears in his eyes fall but only to fail miserably. The tears hit the cold tiled floor at his feet, escaping from the corner of his red puffy eyes. His fists shook at his sides, unable to control his emotions.
Kuroo said nothing and neither did Akaashi. Both were quiet and staring at Tsukishima's steady breathing and paler than usual face, each at one side of the hospital bed.
Bokuto was infuriated, distressed and he just didn't understand why.
Why was life so cruel to them? Why didn't Akaashi nor Kuroo cry?? Doesn't it hurt? Doesn't it bother them how much they were willing to lose? How could Akaashi and Kuroo argue with each other like they didn't matter to the other? And how could they dispute about Tsukishima's feelings when Tsukishima himself wasn't even awake? How could they know what Tsukishima wanted when Tsukishima couldn't even voice his opinion in the whole matter??
Well, why would it matter?
Once Tsukishima would wake up, he wouldn't remember anything. He wouldn't remember all their memories together and it was all his fault.
It was his fault that Tsukishima was dying and even though he wasn't dead, he was still dying and there was still nothing he could do.
There was nothing Kuroo could.
There was nothing Akaashi could do.
And it was all his fault.
It was all his fault because he didn't stop Tsukishima from running out the house, getting in the car and driving far away with blind fury. Blind fury that caused him to collide with a large truck, almost losing his life.
Now he laid in a hospital bed and in a coma for almost three months. Three months and he still slept while Akaashi, Kuroo and he had not been able to. They were all worried and scared that Tsukishima, their beautiful moon, would no longer wake.
And just when things were bad enough, the doctor announced to them all that even if Tsukishima awakened, he wouldn't remember anything. It'd be a miracle if he at least knew his name and age but even the doctor looked so unsure and despaired. Because there was only so much his smarts and technology could do for the seventeen year old boy.
So unsure and despaired because Tsukishima was only getting worse. He just wouldn't wake up despite all of his family talking to him, never giving up on their hopes. And it pained Bokuto to no end because it was all his fault.
It was his fault for not stopping Tsukishima after their argument. An argument he clearly remembered. It was all his fault that Tsukishima wouldn't wake up. It was his fault that even if he woke up, Tsukishima wouldn't remember anything. It was his fault that his relationship with Kuroo and Akaashi was falling apart right in front of him. It was his fault. All his…fa-
"It's not your fault, idiot." Kuroo's hollow laugh resounded in the small room, teary eyes staring at Bokuto's dulled goldened ones once he looked up.
"You didn't know this would happen." Akaashi soft voice spoke again, trying his hardest to smile at his lover.
Bokuto didn't understand.
And he may have never did.
-
- 5 years later -
"Bokuto! Be careful with that!" Akaashi yelled, jumping to the rescue and catching the glass cup in midair that had fallen from the stack Bokuto had made on the tray.
Bokuto offered a weak and nervous smile to Akaashi who only sighed but managed to smile back.
"How many times do I have to tell you not to stack up the cups?" He asked in a stern voice, all motherly like.
Bokuto only pouted, placing the tray of dirty plates and cups in the kitchen's sink. "Too many times. I'm sorry, Akaashi."
Akaashi leaned up and kissed the pout away, Bokuto's smile back on his face.
"Go help Kuroo with the customers and stay out of trouble." He smiled before pulling him down by his collar and kissing him briefly again.
"Yessir!" Bokuto saulted in english and gave a firm nod before skipping out the kitchen and into the cafe area where Kuroo was taking orders in black slacks, a white dress shirt and a simple black apron, looking hella fine according to Bokuto.
Bokuto wore the same exact thing but he could swear Kuroo was made for their uniform.
He couldn't help but wonder how lucky he was to have two amazingly beautiful boyfriends who were willing to stay with him despite all his flaws and childish ways even though he was 24-year old man already.
He ignored the dull pain in his chest when he remembered a flicker of blond hair and golden brown pretty eyes behind black rimmed glasses. A boyfriend he was lucky to have a long time ago.
He could still recall the smell of hospital, the plain white walls and the specific room where he had left a part of himself. A part they had all left for the sake of their fourth piece's benefit.
His thoughts were thankfully interrupted with a crooked smile and insanely wild haired man entering his field of vision.
"What are you doing? Don't think you can earn money by just standing there and looking pretty." Kuroo teased, smile never faltering.
"Sorry!" Bokuto blurted out and shook his head with such memories, grinning at his boyfriend. "I was just thinking about how hot you look in that. It'd be a shame to take it all off tonight."
Kuroo rose an eyebrow, smirking before smacking Bokuto's chest with his little notebook. "That won't work on me, Mr. Smooth Talker." He chuckled before walking off. "Stop slacking and get your ass moving."
Bokuto wiggled his butt once Kuroo looked back, winking at him with a sly smirk.
Kuroo only shook his head and laughed at Bokuto's stupid antics before disappearing through the kitchen doors, most likely to give Akaashi the orders their customers wanted.
Bokuto was just about to walk to a table of gossiping high school girls that looked ready to order but before he could he heard the door chime, alerting them of a new customer. He looked over to give his best smile and welcome the customer, only to feel time stop.
Bokuto couldn't believe what he was looking at. It felt too surreal and he couldn't even breathe. The very tall and skinny man with blond curly hair walked inside their cafe, taking in his surroundings with familiar golden brown eyes behind black rimmed glasses.
He felt his gut twist and his whole body shake with anxiety.
He really couldn't breathe, the air leaving his lungs despite his heart's desperate cry for oxygen as it kept pounding against his tightening ribs, enclosing everything. His eyes never left the tall figure as the blond hesitantly walked further into the cafe, looking around as if confused to why he was in there. He finally looked up, golden brown eyes locking with Bokuto's wide golden ones.
"Tsu-" Bokuto stopped himself.
Tsukishima didn't know him and he was supposed to pretend he didn't know him either. Pretend that everything that happened between them never happened.
Bokuto wanted to cry. He wanted to cry out and yet all he could do was try not to die when his stupid heart wouldn't function properly.
"I understand I am very pale and not the prettiest face but don't look at me as if you just saw a ghost. That's just rude."
He grew even taller. He wasn't as skinny as last time he saw him, dying in a hospital bed. His cheeks had a lot more color instead of that sickly pale skin he had. His voice was deeper and richer. He was….beautifuler than ever and that said so much.
Tsukishima Kei was always beautiful but it was as if 5 years of avoiding him was only to have the blond seem all the more pretty for him to fall in love all over again.
No, not again.
Bokuto had always loved the snarky blond. No matter how much he tried, he couldn't forget Tsukishima. He couldn't forget his pretty face and snarky attitude. Nor his rare smiles and laughs. Nor his venomous voice when angered or his angelic singing voice loud and clear when he showered.
But then again, five years was enough to change everything and maybe this Tsukishima wasn't the same Tsukishima Bokuto knew and loved. He was honestly scared to know if that was true.
"Bokuto, stop staring at our customer. You'll make him uncomfortable."
Kuroo's voice was wavering but it was enough to snap Bokuto out of it.
He faintly heard as Kuroo apologized for him and led Tsukishima to an empty table, near the windows of the small cafe, away from Bokuto.
"This cafe…who named it?" Tsukishima asked Kuroo, Kei's eyes as sharp as ever when he looked him up and down, almost as if reading him like an open book.
It wasn't like it made him uncomfortable, he was well…used to it. Past years of knowing Tsukishima made him immune to his rude ways. But then Tsukishima's eyes met with his and his question finally registered in his brain and suddenly Kuroo's heart stilled completely. His eyesight grew fuzzy as memories of Tsukishima in his life for so many years flashed before his eyes but he refused to cave in to said memories and no matter how painful it was, he masked it all and gave him a professional smile.
"I know I'm handsome and all but like you and I told Bokuto, staring is rude." He managed to speak, glad that his voice that didn't crack and managing to avoid Tsukishima's question.
Tsukishima clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes, huffing. "I wasn't staring because of your 'handsomeness'," Tsukishima air quoted with his long and elegant fingers, looking quite amused with Kuroo's flinch. "I was staring because your hair is so messy."
Kuroo couldn't. He really couldn't.
Before he knew it, he felt a tear roll down his cheek and he gave a small nervous chuckle. "S-Shit." He quickly wiped it away, steeling his emotions as he laughed again, empty and insincere but it wasn't as if Tsukishima would notice.
Tsukishima didn't remember his real laugh or fake one. Tsukishima didn't remember him at all. And it hurt. It hurt so much because he remembered everything there was to know about Tsukishima but Tsukishima did not know him anymore.
For example, those words.
Tsukishima had spoken the same exact words when they first met. Seven years ago in a large gym filled with sweaty and loud people and volleyballs here and there, being spiked and blocked but none of that mattered when Kuroo's eyes fell on Tsukishima and Tsukishima's fell on him.
"That comment wasn't to make you cry. That wasn't my intention whatsoever so I apologize."
Kuroo shook his head, laughing again. "Nah, don't worry. Something got in my eye, is all." He rubbed at his eyes, sniffling a bit before putting on his best smile.
"Now, what would you like to order?" Kuroo asked, taking out his notebook, ready to write down whatever he needed. He avoided Tsukishima's gaze and ignored the way his hands shook the notebook and pen.
"Do you guys sell strawberry shortcake?" Tsukishima asked, looking at Kuroo intently, unable to shake off the feeling that had seen and knew such crazy hair and light brown eyes.
"Of course. Coming right up!" Kuroo smiled at him with closed eyes before scurrying away and into the kitchen where he heard Bokuto and Akaashi disputing.
"I'm not kidding. I would never joke about this." Bokuto's voice was loud and yet it was wavering and ready to break into sobs at any given moment.
"Tsukishima can't be here. That's impossible. I made sure to open our business far from where he lives. I'm sure you're just confusing him with someone else." Akaashi replied, confidently but his stiff movements as he took out a cake from the oven gave him away.
"Still! He's out there! He walked into our cafe which we named after him, in hopes of him stumbling in to at least see him a-again one m-more...one more t-time. A-Akaashi...Kei is out there and don't tell me that isn't him!"
Akaashi said nothing in response and froze, feeling his body betray him as he felt the urge to run out and see for himself that Kei was out there. Call it destiny or fate but he was out there and this was their chance at reaching out for the blond all over again. He shook his head, refusing to believe. "No. It's not him. It's been five years, Koutarou, and Tsukishima lives far away from here."
"Well Tsukishima's imposter wants a strawberry shortcake." Kuroo announced his entrance at last with tears running down his face. "Keiji, that's Tsukishima. Our Tsukishima."
Akaashi slammed the oven door shut, almost dropping the cake in his other hand before setting it down on a rack.
"Our Tsukishima?! Have you forgotten that we left him and he is no longer part of our lives?!" He asked, turning to coldly glare at both his crying lovers. "And don't cry!! We did all of this for him! We wanted him to have a better life and that's still what he'll get! We will not get in the way again. You both saw exactly what happened when we were with him. He did nothing but suffer and almost died because of us!"
Bokuto ran out through the kitchen doors, needing to calm down and he was not looking forward to what was to come from both Kuroo and Akaashi.
Ever since Tsukishima left the picture, they've done nothing but argue over the smallest things. And a lot of those small things involved Tsukishima one way or another.
Once he left the kitchen, he heard Kuroo giving smart remarks and Akaashi say his share as he kept baking and decorating.
Bokuto was panting heavily, trying to stop the tears that kept falling down his face and leaned back on the wall, his knees threatening to give in to the weight of his anxiety.
He managed to stop crying and shaking and wiped the tears away. He mustered his best smile before walking to attend the customers, not wanting to leave them unsatisfied with anything. He obviously kept avoiding Tsukishima, Tsukishima thankfully not asking for anything but Bokuto could feel his stare on him.
After a while, he saw Akaashi walk out the kitchen with a deliciously decorated strawberry shortcake on a plate in his hand. He looked as nonchalant as ever as he walked up to Tsukishima's table, setting the sweet in front of him.
"Thank you." Tsukishima spoke calmly, eyeing the small and delicate looking cake. "Are you the chef of this place?" He suddenly asked, looking up to meet Akaashi's gaze.
Akaashi said nothing. He couldn't. The words wouldn't come out and he could only hear his brain and heart contradicting each other on what to do but finally coming to a conclusion to get out of there. And Akaashi did, walking back to the kitchen with long and quick steps.
Tsukishima was surprised at being so flat out ignored by the chef, considering the funny tall hat on the beautiful raven head. He shrugged, not sure what that meant. Maybe the chef was too shy and Tsukishima may have intimidated him.
He sighed, picking up a fork and taking a bite from the cake, pleased by how it was so fluffy and just the perfect amount of strawberries and sugar.
Tsukishima took his time eating, paying no attention to the way the silver and black hair man stared at him not very discreetly as he kept working, serving his customers.
Finally, Tsukishima gave in, having enough of the glaring man, not used to being stared at especially with eyes he know what they meant. He placed his fork down and met his piercing gaze.
"Come here, Kouta--"
Tsukishima stopped short once he felt a sharp pang in his head, quickly rubbing at his temples with both palms and closed his eyes, the lights of the cafe suddenly too bright.
The waiter never introduced himself and yet Tsukishima was about to say his name. Say his name like it was the most obvious thing to do. Say his name like he always did.
And that didn't make sense because Tsukishima had never met the guy. He scoffed. He didn't even know that if that was his name, it couldn't have been.
But once Tsukishima opened his eyes and looked up, he quickly noticed both waiters staring at him shocked and anguished.
Tsukishima flinched, uncomfortable with the gaze and avoided it all together. From the corner of his eye, he saw the light haired man brush past the darker haired one, his head down and hands clearly trembling.
Tsukishima didn't understand why that disturbed him so much. It looked so familiar and it just didn't make sense. He just met them and yet he remembers shouting, crying, the sight of Koutarou turning his back on him, walking away from him and the aching he felt in his chest when he also turned around and reached for car keys before slamming the front door close.
"Are you okay?"
Tsukishima's thoughts arupted to a harsh stop and he looked up, meeting the dark haired waiter's gaze and he felt time freeze again.
Those eyes. Tsukishima knew them. He knew the way those eyes would light up with the smallest of words and actions or how quickly they dulled when confused, afraid, scared and just hurt because…because Tsukishima was dying.
He heard sirens in the distance only getting closer and all he wanted do was drift to unconsciousness and never wake up because it hurt. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt.
"It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.
Bokuto,
Kuroo,
Akaashi,
It hurts.
Make it stop.
It hurts so much.
Please help me…
It hurts so much..."
There's shouting and then they pulled his bleeding and dying body out the wrecked car, placing him on a gurney. His vision grew blurry, dark spots dancing in his eyes and it was scary.
Tsukishima was afraid. He was afraid because he couldn't feel anything but it all hurt at the same time. His body screeched to him to give in to unconsciousness, the pain was unbearable but he couldn't. Not yet. He needed to see his reasons for living despite all his problems and arguments with his family. He wanted to see them again.
Even if it were the last thing he saw, he needed to see them.
He feels himself drift from consciousness to unconsciousness back and forth in the ambulance, the medics doing whatever they could to stop the bleeding. He sees the flashes of bright white lights and the blurry faces of the paramedics before seeing nothing but black.
He feels his body being jostled around as they arrived at the hospital, dragging his body inside where he sees his loves.
But everything hurt even more because although he wanted to see them, he saw them crying.
They were all relieved for a split second before drowning in anxiety once they saw all the blood and Tsukishima's state.
"Kei, hang in there for us. Okay?"
Kuroo's voice was so far away and soft and it was the last thing he heard before giving into the darkness that evaded him so quickly and easily. The warmth he didn't even feel at first quickly left his hand once he heard the sound of doors whoosing open and crashing the wall behind them before closing slowly, along with his eyes.
Tsukishima's head was pounding and his lungs were burning due to the sudden lack of oxygen. He was hyperventilating and he desperately clutched at his chest, telling himself to calm down and breathe but his body wouldn't pay attention. He saw more visions of all three men and him together and happy. It swelled up in his chest and Tsukishima was crying because he wants that feeling again. The sense of belonging and love.
"H-Hey, are you okay? H-Hold on, um…A-Akaashi!!! I think Ke-- I mean, this customer is choking?!" Kuroo's panicked induced voice was enough for Tsukishima to get back to reality.
With watery and distant looking eyes, Tsukishima saw how the chef from earlier rushed out the kitchen doors and over to where he sat, Kuroo looking worried and unsure on what to do other than keeping his distance.
Finally, his breathing was stable and he could see the cafe now and not what seemed like past memories he lost due to his accident, five years ago. Tsukishima sat up, placing a hand in front of him to stop Akaashi from giving him CPR or whatever.
Akaashi stilled, now also looking anxious on what to do.
"Uh…how do you feel?" He finally asked and Tsukishima was back to remembering what happened exactly when he had his accident.
"How do you feel?" Akaashi's voice is mellow and calming despite sounding so out of reach. "The doctor says that you'll wake up soon. I really hope you do."
He could feel Akaashi's hand, squeezing his own cold one.
"Your family is miserable and Akiteru can't stop crying. Bokuto is sorry. Kuroo isn't talking. And I…I… I am also s-sorry."
Akaashi was crying, Tsukishima could hear his quiet sobs, feel the hot tears fall onto his arm. He wanted to carress his face. Tell him it was okay. He was okay.
'Don't worry.
I'm still here.
And I'm sorry because it's my fault you guys are suffering.
Please don't cry anymore.'
"We're leaving tomorrow."
Akaashi's voice was raspy and heartbreaking yet it was sharp, cutting thought Tsukishima's hazy thoughts. Even though Tsukishima couldn't voice it, no matter how much he tried to wake up, his heart was breaking.
'Leaving?
Where?
Why?
Can't I go?
Why do I feel like you're leaving me?
Are you guys finally done with my shit?
I know I said a lot of rude comments but I didn't mean them. I never did.
Please don't leave.
I'm sorry, I really am.
I lov--'
"When you wake up, the doctor said you'll forget everything. And that's for the best. You deserve better, Kei. I'm so sorry that I, Kuroo, and Bokuto couldn't give you what you that. You deserve the best and that's why we're leaving. We were just in the way and you have gotten into so many problems, especially with your family and we are truly s-sorry. We finally c-came to the conclusion of not being selfish anymore."
'Keiji…
Please...
Don't go.
I don't want you guys to go.
Please…
I'm fucking begging you right now.
Don't leave me alone.
I'm sorry I never said it before but I really do lov--'
"We love you, Kei. We love you s-so much."
He felt the Akaashi's tears fall down his face as he leaned over and pressed his soft warm lips against his pale cheek one last time before he gathered himself and walked out the room, never walking in ever again.
Tsukishima woke up, the painful headache he had felt earlier only a dull ache now.
He heard hushed whispers outside the door and warily looked around, confused about where he was.
"This isn't the cafe or my home." He muttered to himself, hesitantly sitting up.
He jumped at the sound of the door opening a crack, a golden wide eye peeking in briefly before quickly shutting the door close once again.
"He's awake!"
Tsukishima heard from the room, smiling softly.
Bokuto had always been so unnecessarily loud.
Tsukishima heard multiple footsteps getting closer and stopping in front of the door.
More whispers were heard along with a "Bokuto, not so loud."
Tsukishima's smile widened, remembering how motherly Akaashi was to Kuroo and Bokuto even though he was a year younger than the huge babies Bokuto and Kuroo were.
"Hey. Do you think he remembers?" From Kuroo was then followed with another shush from Akaashi.
Tsukishima's smile fell completely because he did. He remembered everything and he was so sorry for forgetting in the first place.
How could I ever forget?
Not even Tsukishima was aware of what he did but he stood up and opened the door to pull them all in a tight as hell hug, the promise of never letting go again evident as heavy tears fell from his eyes.
"I'm so sorry." Tsukishima suddenly sobbed, pressing his face harder into what he could only assume was Bokuto's chest. He tightened his arms around all of them, urging them to hug back.
Hug back because if they didn't he would seriously die.
The agony was too much and he felt like he was suffocating because they weren't hugging back and that just meant that he was unloved.
He was about to let go until he heard quiet crying from Akaashi before he felt Kuroo's strong arms wrapping around his waist, his face deeply buried into the back of his shirt, soaking up the warm tears that escaped Kuroo's eyes.
He felt shaking and hesitant arms also wrap around his torso, Akaashi's crying even louder, hiccuping against his shoulder as he cried more and more, unable to stop.
Lastly, Tsukishima felt Bokuto's arms around them all, the warmth and the feeling of being safe and comfortable so overwhelming Tsukishima was choking on his tears, drowning in the relief.
Bokuto was sobbing the loudest now, his tears and snot falling down his face and he kept uttering.
"I'm sorry."
"I'm so s-so sorry."
"I missed you so m-much, Tsukishima."
"Kei…I…still love you."
Kei didn't know how long they were all crying and clinging to each other like a fat clingy baby not wanting to let their mother go.
They kept crying until they no longer had tears to spare, their voices all raspy and almost gone and their legs in a tangled mess on the floor, somehow ending up on the carpeted floor in a big, messy, gross ball.
There was so many things Tsukishima could say and ask. Like they were all so stupid. Why did they leave? How dare they decide what was best for him? Abandoning him and letting him make more memories without them instead of making new ones with them all for the ones he lost from his amnesia. For leaving him alone for five fucking years, Tsukishima hate--. No. That's not what he needed to say. None of that was.
"I'm sorry for never saying it before…"
Tsukishima started, voice raspy and quiet against Bokuto's shirt. He sat up but never let them go, feeling them all tense under his arms. They're eyes widened, their faces all red, snot running down their noses, looking like snotty cry babies and not the full fledged adults they were. Tsukishima smiled fondly, laughing at the sight that was so gross and yet it was so endearing and cute.
"I love you, Tetsurou, Keiji, Koutarou."