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Adam’s life wasn’t exactly like other teenagers. His dad had left when he was one and his mother had moved back in with her mom because she was convinced she couldn’t raise Adam alone. Not to say she wasn’t completely correct. His poor mother worked seventy hours a week just to support them. His grandma practically raised him.
He’d always known he was different. Not just because he’d came from a broken home. He spent most of his youth singing and performing for his grandma anytime she had five seconds to spare. With puberty came the realization he was gay and with it came fear and shame. He didn’t think things could get any worse. His classmates were all too fond of the ‘f-word’ and with every grade he hated school even more. His sanctuary was chorus. It was the only place where he felt like he fit in, the only place where he’d found friends. But of course, as life always seemed to do, he got hit by a right hook and he didn’t even see it coming.
At sixteen Adam was closeted and facing the most challenging time in his life. His grandma had been diagnosed with a brain tumor and every day after school he found himself watching the spunky woman who’d raised him deteriorating before his eyes.
It had all started in the fall of his junior year. His mom, Leila, had finally quit her second job and just when she started to be around for him more his grandma, Jenny, was showing signs things weren’t quite right. Adam knew in his heart something was terribly wrong when she returned five minutes after saying she was going to the store to pick up some things. It wasn’t unusual for grandma Jenny to forget her keys, but it was very abnormal for her to return, keys in hand looking confused. She’d asked Adam how to crank the car that day. That was the day the ball of fear settled into Adam’s stomach.
Less than a month later grandma Jenny had went to a doctor’s appointment. Given her symptoms she’d been given an MRI. That day he received a phone call from his mother. Gran had a mass on her brain, cancer, chemo, non-operable, not a good chance of survival at this stage. The words had been a blur in his ears and the ball in his stomach became solid stone.
In the following months things only got worse. His mom was taking on night shifts at her waitressing job because she claimed better tips, which left Adam in the midst of his own personal hell. What time his grandma wasn’t in the hospital with chemo, he’d come home and fix their dinner, feed her, help her to the bathroom, and then when she was settled for the night he’d do his homework. After everything was done for the day he’d fall into bed with his laptop. The internet had become a sanctuary for him, a place to vent when he felt like the rest of the world didn’t understand. It was one of those nights in some chatroom he’d stumbled over while searching for someone who’d listen that he found Tommy.
Adam and Tommy had immediately clicked over music, and in the past six months they’d become fairly close. Tommy knew everything Adam was going through and a lot of the times it was almost like he didn’t have to say anything at all because Tommy just knew.
Tommy was the first person Adam had ever came out to. That was after Tommy had mentioned making out with a boy in his school locker room. It was scary, but just like with everything else Tommy made him feel utterly excepted.
It was spring break and Adam would be a senior next year. Days were spent helping his mom, nights were spent helping his gran, and the wee hours of the morning were spent figuring himself out with Tommy. Tommy as it turned out only lived about an hour away and he and Adam had both dabbled with the idea of meeting, but so far neither had the guts to do so. Instead Adam explored his sexuality with Tommy via instant messaging. Tonight was no different so Adam booted up his laptop at ten minutes until midnight. He couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face when his messenger loaded and Tommy’s icon popped up as online.
AquariusAdam: Hey!!!
TommyKnockers: Hey dude, how’s things?
AquariusAdam: Same shit different day. Some days I wonder if this will ever end and others I’m convinced it’s all a bad dream.
TommyKnockers: Can’t say I know how you feel, but you know I’m here.
AquariusAdam: Yeah, sometimes the only thing that keeps me sane is knowing I’m not alone. Shit here, fuck, it would be so easy just to leave it all behind, to escape the pain, but I couldn’t do that to my mom.
TommyKnockers: Better not do it to me either fucker.
AquariusAdam: I wouldn’t, you know I could never go through with it, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking it either. I’m fucking tired of hurting.
TommyKnockers: Sounds to me like someone needs a hug… and by a hug I of course mean a fifth of good ole’ Jack.
AquariusAdam: Hah, nah, I think I’d do better with having you curled up next to me.
With Tommy, Adam felt comfortable in his own skin, attractive even and they often flirted among other things. Adam found it so easy to get wrapped up in his own private little world, his stress and tension smoothing away with the hours spent in the dark with his laptop’s glow pushing away the shadows. This was his, one of the few things Adam had that was just his, and no one needed to know about Tommy. No one.
…
The day was just like any other here recently for Adam, or so he thought. His mom had taken gran to the hospital for chemo and they would be spending the next week there. Everything was going fine, mom had even given him permission to use gran’s car if he needed anything that couldn’t wait until she got home. It was late evening and he’d just plopped down on the couch with a sandwich when the phone rang. Nothing unusual, the sound trilled through the air at the same pitch it always did. No warning of what was to come.
Adam picked up the handset without looking at the caller ID. “’ello?”
“Hey honey.” It was his mom. She sounded, her voice was laced with tears and he felt his heart sink.
“Mom, what, did something happen?”
“We just talked to the doctors, baby, and your gran wanted to talk to you.”
“Okay… but she’s okay right?”
“She’s… here she is.”
The rock that had settled in his stomach in the past months became an iceberg as frigid dread gripped his soul.
“Adam.”
“Hi gran.”
“Baby, the doctors came in to talk to us.”
“Yeah, that’s what mom said.”
“I hate to tell you this over the phone, but just in case something happens I just wanted you to know how much I love you.”
“You know I love you, too,” Adam croaked around the lump in his throat.
“Ad, the doctor said there’s swelling on my brain. They’re taking me into surgery in the morning. They said something about making a hole in my skull to relieve the pressure. The chemo’s not working, I… I’m going to die.” Her voice was thin and scratchy.
“No gran, you’re stubborn and so strong. You’ll prove them wrong.”
“I hope so, baby. Just know I love you.”
“Love you, too,” He whispered and the phone slipped from his numb fingers.
Adam couldn’t, no, he couldn’t lose her. Gran raised him, taught him right from wrong, and loved him unconditionally. He fucking couldn’t lose the woman who’d done everything in her power to give him a good life, even when she skimped on things for herself.
Adrenaline coursed through his veins, night was beginning to curl over the house, and he couldn’t be here. Not now, not knowing that the woman who’d made this place warm and somewhere he’d wanted to be could slip from between his fingertips. He had to go. Had to get away. On autopilot he went to his room and tugged on his skinny jeans, boots, and a Bowie tee. The eyeliner between his fingers was second nature and he lined his eyes without thinking. He ran his fingers through his hair, his roots were showing, but he couldn’t care. His body said run and so he did. He was out the door with gran’s car keys and the next time he was conscious of his surroundings was when the glittering lights of the debauched city before him sparkled in the night. He found a parking spot and he was out of the car on his way to nowhere. His boots smacked against the concrete, fear boiling over into anger as nameless faces passed by him. He didn’t recognize the area, but when he finally slowed to a stop he found himself in front of a club with the words Hell’s Gate emblazed in showy orange neon, flickering like flames. He headed toward the door and the bouncer didn’t give him a second look when he pulled out a twenty for admission, the burly man just backed away from the door and waved Adam in.
Adam was immediately engulfed by the thrum of the bass. The music pouring from the speakers radiated in his chest and for a moment he had to remember how to breathe. When he finally got past feeling like there was something lying on his chest he finally took in his surroundings. This club apparently took their theme pretty seriously. The bar was like a beacon in the dimly lit room, the surface appeared to be liquefied. The orange-red glow made Adam think of lava, but he could clearly see things sitting on the surface so however the thing was constructed, it was obviously an optical illusion. It didn’t take away from the badass look of it though.
The next thing Adam noticed was the substantial sized boulders that littered the open expanse of the dance floor. Each one appeared to be cracked, but Adam figured they’d been painted with black light paint judging by the fact there was a black light hung over each cage. Cage? Each huge boulder harbored a cage and Adam’s brain was still overwhelmed by the rest of the surroundings to process what the cages contained. It couldn’t be, could it? Of all the fucking clubs he’d managed to wander into, he got the feeling this was some kind of kinky leather affair. Each cage contained a dancer wearing devil horns, and each dancer bared everything to the eyes that roved over their bodies. The dancers wore straps of leather across their bodies, and each one was showing a prominent hard on, incased in a metal ring. Adam felt the stirrings of arousal flare in the pit of his stomach and along with it was the biting edge of shame, but before he could turn and run to the door he felt a body pressed up against his back.
A hand slipped over the front of his jeans and palmed his dick.
“Big boy,” a voice growled into his ear.
Adam tensed and attempted to pull himself from the stranger’s grasp. Adam wasn’t small by any means, but this man was taller. The man’s grip firmed when Adam struggled and the guy used his grip to maneuver Adam into the shadows. Adam was pushed roughly into the wall and its surface felt grainy against his cheek. Adam was sure he should fight or scream or something, but ice cold fear had him frozen in place.
“Gonna make you feel good, boy.” Adam squeaked in protest when the stranger looped his hands around and unbuttoned Adam’s jeans. It was all too quick that his jeans were shoved down to expose his ass.
“No, please.” Adam heard the words, but wasn’t sure they came from his own mouth.
“You don’t want to take my cock like a good little bitch?”
“Fuck… you don’t understand,” Adam pleaded. “I’m seventeen.”
That apparently extinguished the fire in the strangers loins because in the space of two seconds the heat of the stranger’s body was gone and he was left shaking like a leaf. Adam pulled up his jeans, righted his clothes, and high-tailed it straight out of dodge just as quickly as his legs would take him.
The drive home was a blur and it was just past ten when Adam fell into the house, stripped down, and jumped into the shower. The stream of water that pelted his skin was just this side of too hot. His mind was blank while he used his shower puff and scrubbed his skin until it was red and tender. After he shut the water off and wrapped himself in a towel he still felt dirty. He’d come so close to getting hurt, but adrenaline still rushed through his veins. He flopped into his bed, still damp, in nothing but the towel. Adam knew he would be making an early trip to the hospital to wait with his mom while gran was in surgery, but there was no fucking way he was going to sleep anytime soon. He grabbed his laptop and sent out a hope to the universe that his small piece of sanity, Tommy, was online.
AquariusAdam: Tommy, fuck, I’m an idiot.
TommyKnockers: No you’re not.
AquariusAdam: Today has been so bad. =(
TommyKnockers: What happened? Oh and have you checked your email? I sent you a present this morning… you… maybe you shouldn’t open it since you’re upset.
AquariusAdam: I haven’t checked it yet. I got a phone call from my gran earlier and she’s having surgery tomorrow. She… Tommy she told me she was dying. How can I? How am I supposed to deal with that? I was so fucking upset after she told me that I went out. I’m not supposed to go out unless I need something, but I just drove. I parked in a part of the city I wasn’t familiar with Tommy I was so fucking stupid.
TommykKnockers: You aren’t stupid. People react all different ways to bad news. You ran and yeah maybe it wasn’t the smartest idea to go to somewhere you weren’t familiar with, but you’re home now in one piece aren’t you?
AquariusAdam: …
TommyKnockers: Adam? Are you okay? What happened?
AquariusAdam: I’m… nothing happened.
TommyKnockers: Adam?
AquariusAdam: I uhh, I went to a club called Hell’s Gate. The bouncer didn’t card me. Everything was fine, but some guy came up behind me. He was bigger than me. Shoved me up against the wall. He pushed my jeans down. I was so scared. I froze. I… finally I was able to tell him I was seventeen and he disappeared. After that I bolted. I came home and showered and now I’m here.
TommyKnockers: Okay so you’re physically okay, but you’re still shook up aren’t you?
AquariusAdam: Yeah, I… it could’ve been bad. How could I have faced my gran tomorrow if that had happened?
TommyKnockers: Hey, it didn’t. Do you? I mean if you don’t wanna be alone, my mom’s working tonight. I’ve gotta pick her up at six in the morning, but I’d be glad to drive out there tonight and keep you company.
AdamAquarius: No, you don’t have to do that. I’m okay; just glad you’re here. Helps me take my mind off everything.
TommyKnockers: I’m glad I can be here.
The conversation continued through the night and by the time Adam shut his laptop birds were chirping good morning outside his window. He pulled his sheets up over his head and slept until his alarm blared at eight.
Somehow Adam managed to drag himself from the bed. This morning was important and he wanted to be at the hospital to support his mom while gran was in surgery. He yanked on the most normal clothes he owned consisting of a pair of black jeans that didn’t look painted on and a plain white tee. He still couldn’t resist his boots though and tugged them on. A trip to pee led to the shocking horror of seeing his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He was glad he hadn’t left the house looking like that. Raccoons would’ve been trying to flirt with him or something. He cleaned up the eyeliner applied a layer of concealer to minimize the dark circles and he headed out. He wasn’t ready to face the day, but he had to be there when gran came out of surgery. Adam couldn’t imagine not being there when she woke up.
Adam stopped by the gift shop when he got to the hospital and picked up a single red rose. A quick trip to the information desk to double-check he knew where he was going and then he was in the elevator. Dread built with every floor that lit up on the elevators display until the ding signaled this was his stop. The door opened and a nurse who was waiting for the elevator looked a little flustered at his appearance. Adam just gave her a friendly smile, stepped out, and put his hand out to make sure the doors didn’t close before she had time to enter.
“Thank you,” she mumbled softly.
“My pleasure, miss.” His mom didn’t raise him to be rude.
After their encounter Adam turned and looked at the maze of hallways before him. Left or right? Hmm. He checked the closest room number on the left and then the one on the right. Yeah, he presumed since his gran was in surgery his mom would probably be in whatever waiting room was closest to gran’s room so he took a right and hoped to everything he didn’t get lost. Turned out it wasn’t too hard to find her, he found gran’s room and a few doors up there was a waiting room. Instead of walls it had windows and there sat his mom, dark hair swept up in a sloppy ponytail, looking years older than when he’d last saw her. He took a deep breath, now was not the time to let his own emotions out, he had to be strong for his mom.
Adam pushed the door open and his mom looked up at him. He could see the sorrow and grief and it made the painted on half-smile look rather sour.
“Honey,” his mom said. She got up an engulfed him in a tight hug. He squeezed her tightly; careful not to squish the rose he was holding.
“Heard anything?”
“A nurse came in a little while ago and said gran was still in surgery. Seems it’s taking longer than they thought.”
“She’ll be okay, momma. She’s stubborn just like you.”
That got a small chuckle. “Like me, huh?”
“Yep.”
“I happen to know a certain young man who’s also pretty stubborn.”
“Nah, not me.”
And then everything fell silent. Mom got that faraway look like she was remembering something and he could see the glassiness of tears welling in her eyes. Adam couldn’t find the words to say so he sat down, laid the rose in the seat beside him, and rested his head in his hands. His chest was tight as he thought about how headstrong his gran was. She’d never let anything get her down and now cancer was going to take her from him. His eyes burned and he squeezed them shut to trap the flood that was about to ensue behind his eyelids. He took a shuddering breath.
“Even the strongest men cry sometimes.” His mom’s voice was little more than a whisper.
“Can’t go messing up my face, now can I?”
“I’m sure gran wouldn’t mind. You know you cover up one of her favorite things about you.”
“Angel kisses, she says… but I don’t see it. It just makes my skin look uneven.”
“Just because you think that doesn’t make it true. Your gran and I loved you before the eyeliner, make up, and hair dye. We loved that little freckle-faced redhead and we’d still love him, but you have to do what makes you happy, baby. As long as what you’re doing makes you feel good about yourself and it’s not something to hide behind it’s fine.”
“M’not hiding. Just makes me feel more comfortable in my skin.”
His mom was just about to say something else when the doctor walked in. Adam’s whole body went tense and his breath caught somewhere in his throat.
“How did it go doc?” Mom’s voice only wavered a little.
“Well, she’s out of surgery in recovery. The operation was a success, but we can also confirm having removed some of her skull that the tumor is inoperable and is growing at a faster rate than we suspected. In my professional opinion, she’s got about eight months.”
Adam’s world shattered, everything around him went fuzzy, and blood pounded in his ears. He gasped finally, his heart jumping in his chest, and without looking at his mom or the doctor he got up and took off down the hall. This, he couldn’t do this, couldn’t face gran knowing she had an expiration date. Logically he knew everyone was born dying, but having a sentence of death was something completely different. Growing up he’d always knew he’d lose her someday, figured she’d pass quietly in her sleep when her pacemaker gave out. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be.
Before he knew it he was assaulted by the heat of the California summer. After the chill in the hospital it was oppressive, but he found a bench and sat down anyway. His mind was racing, battered by flashes of the past. His first memory is of his gran standing at the stove fixing breakfast, the first time he’d ever saw her cry when he was seven and he’d pointed at grandpa’s picture on the wall and asked why he couldn’t meet him. One memory in particular makes him feel cold all over. He must’ve been about five and he’d woken up from a bad dream. Gran was still up, she always was a night owl, and she’d pulled him into her lap. That night she’d rocked him until he’d calmed. ‘Do you love me,’ she’d asked in that sweet voice she had. ‘More than all the stars in the sky,’ he’d replied. A sob wracked his body as the rest of the memory played out in his mind. It was so vivid. The smell of her perfume, the beat of her heart against his ear, her arms tucked tightly around him. ‘What are you gonna do when I’m gone, baby?’ she’d asked in a faraway voice. ‘I’d go crazy without you.’
Now, in this moment he was facing the actuality of a future without her. His stomach turned and before he knew it he was retching into the potted plant beside the bench. He hadn’t had a thing to eat this morning, but his orange juice burned like a bitch. When he was finished he wiped at his eyes and mouth. He must look a fright. People walking out of the hospital looked at him with pity. He mentally shook himself. He had to go back in there. Adam pulled himself together as best as he could and went back in. He quickly found a bathroom and washed out his mouth and wiped up his face. Freckles peeked out mockingly, but he couldn’t do anything about it. Instead he went back to the elevator and made the dreaded trip back up to the waiting room where he’d left his mom. He hoped she was still there or that she’d picked up the rose.
The waiting room was empty and the rose was nowhere to be seen. Adam went back a few doors to gran’s room and reached out to the handle. He squeezed the cold metal in his hand for a moment, and then turned it. He peeked inside and there was his gran. The tears that had dried up returned in full force when he saw the way she was laying there. She looked so frail and helpless. He swallowed a sob and wiped angrily at the tears that refused to slow.
“Gran?” he whispered, but she didn’t stir.
Adam crept silently into the room. He didn’t see his mom, but knowing her she’d probably snuck out for a smoke. The room was dull just like every other hospital room; the only vibrant color came from the rose that lay by the phone.
Adam stood by the bed. The face he was used to seeing was so different now. Gran’s face was stark against the patches of her dark hair. There were bandages wrapped around her head and he could see one side had been shaved for the surgery. He wiped at his face again, the tears causing his vision to blur. And then he noticed how tiny she looked in the bed. She was too skinny, arms too thin. Barely making a dent in the tiny bed she laid. He reached out for her hand and when he wrapped his hand around hers he saw one vibrant red thumbnail against his hand. His gran kept long fingernails just as long as he could remember and on most days they were the color of candied apples. That was just one of the many memories of her that he knew would never die. One of the many others was that she always wore the lipstick to match and her lips looked odd without it. So many mornings he would wake up when he was a kid to a perfect set of red lips on his cheek where she’d checked on him after she’d gotten ready in the morning. Yeah, she didn’t do it anymore, but he’d miss that too.