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Mizi had been so sure of herself.
Since the day her eyes fixed onto the TV screen, her twisted desire had taken root. She studied how the humans acted in the singing show, how fervently they fought to live in a broken world. Mizi couldn’t understand it. She hadn’t interacted with another human for years, so she couldn’t see past the dullness of flesh and bone. She couldn’t picture it in relation to her, the image of her body dissociated from the title given to her.
What meaning did the words “child” and “adult” have when they would be crushed all the same?
When she tried to recall that human feeling—the one she couldn’t name, helplessness reached her in its place. Unknown was her name from then on, a fitting name for a stray creature who was picked up on a giant’s whim.
She only learnt how sweet her name could sound when she met Sua, who doted on each syllable so carefully.
Mi-ji.
Miji-ya, when she wanted to grab her attention. Mizi had never met anyone so adorable. So achingly sweet and so perfect, Mizi knew she would attract unwanted flies like this. She vowed to make Sua hers before it could happen.
It wasn’t a surprise when she did. Mizi took her first kiss long before the other children learnt what ‘kissing’ entailed, and long before it became a trend. That night, they laid next to each other as they always did, hands enveloped around the other. The garden was silent as everyone tuned in for the night. All they could hear was the sound of distant whirring, its connotations pushed aside to the farthest space in their minds.
That careful balance had tilted when Mizi reached out to stroke Sua’s cheek. Sua looked at her in anticipation as she leaned in closer. Then Mizi’s lips touched hers—with hesitation—barely even reaching. The softness of another person was their own, early discovery. This was the first of many intimate moments to come, witnessed under the eyes of lurking cameras and never the other kids. Except for one, the others regarded the two as extremely close friends.
Palms pressed against the other, heat exchanged. They would compare the sizes of their hands as they neared the age of eighteen. Mizi loved the difference in size between them, though it wasn’t overwhelmingly large. She loved how Sua fit in her arms, and how easy she slept in her care. She loved testing her limits; to see just how far Sua would let her go.
She really thought she did.
One afternoon; 12:44 pm at the cafeteria. After their respective classes, Mizi and Sua sat across from each other with their trays. Mizi had spent almost all morning with Till and Acorn figuring out standard deviations. She missed her snowflake doll, who outclassed her in academics. Sua was so smart. Mizi would praise her to no end, swearing she would keep up so that they could be in all the same classes next year. It was one of the many things they promised to each other, among being the first in ALNST to successfully tie.
Sua took a bite of her food. As she did this, Mizi’s stare locked onto her.
“Sua,” Mizi’s gaze didn’t move. She picked up her own spoon, gathering rice and unidentifiable beige slop from her plate. It was the one that tasted good, surprisingly. Savoury, with a hint of sweetness. The green one was too grainy. The orange jello was alright, albeit a bit bland.
Mizi brought the spoon to Sua’s lips, and when Sua realised what she was doing, she opened her mouth. Her jaw relaxed for Mizi, letting the food reach her tongue. And as she swallowed, Mizi beamed.
“You’re too cute! Shall I feed you like this every day?” she gushed, her tone eerily similar to her guardian’s.
Sua responds, “If you want to.”
“You don’t seem very happy. Should I not do it then?”
“I’m happy when you are.”
“Really?”
“Really. I’m yours, after all.” Sua smiled.
Mizi had wanted her to indulge her like this. She could tell that Sua’s words weren’t lies. She really did want everything Mizi asked of her. Yet Mizi felt nauseous all the same. From the simple act of feeding her, from subjecting Sua to her own whims. It forced her to confront an uncomfortable truth—that cracks had formed in her psyche. She couldn’t get rid of the feeling that her stomach turned in on itself. The ache in her head was just as relentless. Was this not what she wanted? To hold power over someone else? To have even a crumb of what that would feel like? Everything she knew about herself was… different from the reality.
Mizi had fallen deeply, irrevocably in love. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt Sua. It frightened her so much, seeing a broken mirror in place of their future. That fear had her frozen in place. She never felt in control. Not then. Not now. Pretending it was all okay was the only thing she could do. She would tell herself it was for Sua, too. That making the most of their last years together would be the best bet for them. That this facade was the last semblance of normalcy she could grant them. It made sense, didn’t it?
Time wasn’t cruel; it was impartial. It didn’t wait. Soon, the ends of Mizi’s hair would be stained blue. Soon, she would see Sua in the dress that would immortalise her at the age of 23. Then, they would sing just like they practiced. Harmonise the way they had planned.
And then both their lives would stop there. Sua would die as a martyr. And Mizi, as a star.
When they are saved, it is too sudden.
Mizi can barely remember the events that unfold, all of it a haze in her mind. She remembers the sound—blip blip blip blip—as the scores came to a decision. Her eyes were fixed on Sua the entire time, capturing her face in memory so that she’d never forget. The joy in her eyes, so strikingly bright with love while sharing their last moments together. For as long as they shined, she could pretend she was free of her sins.
The world was theirs and theirs only, just the two of them witnessing the end of its life. For Mizi, it felt like an eternity before the ringing of sirens began—disorienting everyone that was there, human or segyein. She remembers the billow of smoke crashing into the illusion, and in front of her, a hand pulled Sua’s head down with a grip so strong her face almost met the floor.
Then she remembers… the sound of a gunshot. At the time, she couldn’t see where it hit, if it hit.
In the midst of the haze, her senses slipped away from her control, vision fading out in stages. Too much was going on all at once. Sirens pounding in her ears. Her body, dragged backwards by another, screamed for Sua, while her mouth failed to produce any sound.
The stage lights dwindled. Segyein howls decrescendoed.
When she regained herself, she found herself in a room she’d never seen. Laid down on the bed of a sick bay, in a room made of concrete. She woke up to two new faces; a tall brunette, evidently with a lot on her mind but kept a cool composure. The other, a man with a scar across his face. He carried a more mature air to him.
As reassuring as they were, fussing over her and making sure she was alright after losing consciousness, a new kind of dread drowned out any reason within her. Pain threatened to boil over from her throat.
Where was Sua?
In her desperate panic, she stumbled out of the bed, only to be caught by the man before she could make it any further than two steps.
“Woah- slow down there. Where are you going?” His voice didn’t falter, remaining steady but gentle. The arms that held her back were the same.
“Please.” Mizi gasped, struggling to get the words out. “The other girl. Is she safe?”
“The girl with black hair? She’s safe… Calm down, she’s just fine.”
“You’ll take me to her, won’t you? Please.”
“We will. Just take care not to hurt yourself. It wasn’t easy carrying you here, you know.” He replied, easing his grip. Taking his time to stand up, his hand reached out to support Mizi.
Her head was still a complete mess, but she felt like she could trust him. Figuring out who these people were would come after finding Sua. Her priority was making sure she was okay. Forgiveness was out of the question. Mizi would get on her knees for Sua if she gave permission to, but not for something so undeserved as redemption.
Before this, when Mizi would foolishly imagine reunion, it was always tethered to their duo win. This alternative terrified her. She could still recall the sound of the bullet hitting the metal floor—a narrow miss from its target. Replaying in her mind were the times Sua would graze the nape of her neck with her fingers during training. And how she pretended not to notice.
Would Sua even want to see her?
What would she say?
Mizi’s weight felt far too heavy as her feet dragged across the ground, but it wasn’t long before she was led to Sua—who still had her dress on, now smeared with dirt and ash. Even then she was beautiful.
When their eyes finally met, Sua ran until she was close enough to cradle Mizi’s face in her hands, almost as if she was going to kiss her. In a split second, she pulled Mizi into an embrace, Mizi completely stiff with shock.
“You dummy. I was waiting for you,” Sua confessed, her voice shaking.
In silence, Mizi hugged her back. She could feel Sua’s tears soaking through her dress, though she was quiet—her cries halfway muffled. This was the only thing that proved Mizi wasn’t hallucinating. Something strange had also welled up inside Mizi. She forced her eyes shut even as they burned, lest it spilled over.
Mizi was never the best at religious studies. It was always Sua who excelled at it. During their classes, they were told that God is forgiving. But that day, she learnt that God cried so beautifully too.
Under the segyein’s rule, time wasn’t something one could easily grasp. The Anakt Garden children never tried to make definitive sense of it, only referring to days as the number of times one slept. Months and years were a new concept to Mizi and Sua, perhaps on purpose by the school to keep the kids in anticipation. The nights would eventually blend together, until only the certainty of their first performance remained.
A little over a month has passed, and their lives in the rebellion are now cemented. With the season of ALNST sitting stagnant and security measures increasing, the rebels decide to shift their focus temporarily.
Mizi and Sua are tasked with their first group mission—to investigate a bio-harvest facility situated on a planet covered entirely in snow. Initially, Sua was only meant to act as a navigator through handheld radio communication, but Mizi learnt that she had personally asked Hyuna to let her go out on the field. The fact only made Mizi more anxious.
After landing on the new planet, Mizi watches Sua’s first steps out of the ship, mimicking those of a young deer, small and unsure. Despite being bundled in a thick padded coat, it seems like the cold is catching her off-guard, causing her to shiver almost immediately. Mizi understands why. It’s nothing like the “snow” they experienced back in Anakt Garden.
She remembers the first time they had announced there would be snow, she was ecstatic. She held Sua close against her as they watched the “sky” open up. With Ivan and Till, the four of them together, it made for a honeyed memory. They didn’t have a word for it then, but the feelings they had were one and the same.
That this was home; ice lollies made from anemones melting down Mizi’s chin. A small head on her shoulder as they listened to their classmates bicker, the day slow and sweltering. The splashing of water wrapped around their laughter.
It was only after they were saved, Hyuna sat all four of them to ask if they had any information that could help them make sense of the segyein’s world. Anything at all. Sua didn’t reveal it in front of the others, but after they left, she pulled Hyuna to the side and told her about her sister, almost choking up from her emotions. The truth about the garden’s “snow” spilled out. How the bodies were cremated. How the ashes fell upon the living children.
In the other corner of the hallway, Mizi stood quietly listening. At that moment, all she could think of was the nickname she gave her when they were young. Snowflake doll. Her eyebrows furrowed, and a heaviness settled in her heart. She promised herself she would live with it forever.
In front of her, Sua’s boots dig indents into the ground. Her own footsteps follow after, forming new prints over the fawn-sized marks.
Sua isn’t used to winter, but Mizi on the other hand is all-too familiar with the chill climbing her veins. Mizi’s eagerness to enter ALNST was, in part, a way of escaping the deep ocean’s cold. She was lucky enough to be graced by Shine’s protection as a child. Without her, the temperatures would have killed her. Mizi never questioned why she never saw another human on the planet.
When they were in the garden, Mizi would tell Sua about all the good parts; the vastness of water, the endless discoveries that came with it. The friendly creatures, the scary ones, all living happily with one another. Sua loved hearing Mizi talk about the jellyfish, sometimes so large they would drape over Mizi like a blanket over her head. How beautiful it was to watch the pink curtain transform the light that reached her, drowning Mizi’s body in funny shapes. Sua would ask her to take her there someday, and Mizi would reply with an oath.
“After we win, I’ll take you there as my bride!” she’d say.
What she didn’t tell Sua is how utterly lonely it was for her. Nor how she can no longer remember the scent of her mother.
Did you know, Sua? Jellyfish eat fish.
Sometimes they eat other jellyfish too. The small ones. The different ones.
She would hold her tongue back. The hierarchy of the sea served as a permanent reminder on the consequences of weakness. Regardless, she would learn this lesson again on her own. It would be burned into her brain as religion.
Mizi glances up to look at her scripture, her tutor, who seems to have stopped in wait for her. Her gloved hand extends outwards, searching for Mizi’s. Mizi grants her request in a frayed beat. It is then she notices how beautiful the scenery is. They had landed on a clearing, giving them a wide enough view of the mountains beyond. Everything is engulfed completely in the snow. Sua at the centre of it all, bundled up in her endearingly shaped cap, its ear flaps tied under her chin.
“It’s like it never ends. It’s beautiful.” Sua says in awe, pupils flickering between sun and snow.
“And it’s real.” This, Mizi catches her whisper under her breath.
Mizi squeezes her hand a little tighter. “Do you like it that much?”
Sua nods.
“Your hands are so much warmer in the cold. It makes it easier to find you.” She pauses, hovering over her choice of words. “Sometimes your heartbeat isn’t enough.”
Mizi watches her flash a smile. She wishes she could grant one back. Instead she thinks of the unnamed bodies buried underneath. Real snow or ashes, perhaps there isn’t much of a difference. They all end up veiling the dead. Somewhere among them too, she can still see Sua’s remains.
Even after all this time has passed, Mizi can’t seem to free herself of this guilt. She’s considered all other possibilities and timelines. What she knows for certain is that in a life dangerously close to this one, Sua wouldn’t be here with her. And like clockwork, Mizi would’ve allowed it to happen.
When she dreams, she dreams of the stage—the sea of lights cheering them on, excitement masking the urge for violence. Hope for Alien Stage’s first tie. How quickly it dies in the palm of the universe’s strongest. She sees images of Sua lying in her own blood, these images far too real. Too convincing. As if all this time in the rebellion together was a dream.
Mizi knows that night haunts Sua too. She’d be a fool if she didn’t. When Sua crawls into Mizi’s bed so that they can fall asleep together, she insists that everything is fine. But the trembling of her hand cannot be masked.
It couldn’t have been easy—readying herself for death. Mizi thinks of the pain she must’ve endured, practicing for the sting of a bullet against her skin. Preparing for the crowd’s collective mockery. One minute, she had fallen into the role of the lamb, as if it was by natural order. And when they were saved, that duty, that purpose was taken from her. Mizi doesn’t know how to help her unlearn this. She doesn’t know how to help ease the pain, and even more so, the nightmares they share.
Snow begins to fall from above, ice catching onto Sua’s nose. Hyuna, who has stepped ahead of them, reminds them which direction they’re headed in. The world seems to fade, with Mizi unsure which one it’s fading into. She knows how dangerous it is to let her mind wander like this, especially now of all times. She lets the nudge of Sua’s hand bring her back.
“The snow’s gonna slow us down a bit. Let’s move quickly, and then we can come right back. It’s gonna be a long walk from here. Ready?” Hyuna’s voice attempts to cut through the noise.
“Ready,” Sua calls out.
Their trek moves forward. Mizi wonders if she’s changed from the jellyfish girl raised by the merciless ocean many years ago. The answer, she eventually lands upon, is no.
Sua enters Mizi’s quarters a little after midnight. While technically there isn’t a curfew, the dorms are silent today, devoid of drunk rebel antics. The spacecraft was hijacked by the rebellion long ago, repurposed for their travel. Imprints of the segyein can be seen all over. Though any experimental devices were removed, the original patterns, shapes remain.
Mizi is never surprised when Sua shows up like this. She has her door code memorised, and Mizi has hers. Separate rooms were mainly for appearances. Practically everyone knows the two are involved. Hyuna teases them about it all the time, pulling Sua a little too close just to see how possessive Mizi can get. Sometimes she would snap at her and then apologise immediately after. Thankfully Hyuna is never offended, only amused by this unexpected side of hers.
The door shuts gently behind Sua.
“Were you about to sleep?” she asks, her hands folded in an awkward position.
“No, not yet. What’s wrong?” Mizi replies.
“I can still feel the cold lingering from earlier… And I guess I just felt like seeing you.”
Mizi doesn’t say a word. As Sua comes closer, she lifts Sua by her arms, onto her lap to straddle her—until her weight fully rests on Mizi’s lap. Sua’s arms then wrap around her, head resting on her shoulder. Like the day they were saved.
“I love you, you know that?” Sua tells her.
Mizi’s heart swells. “I love you too.”
“Sometimes I think that… only you understand how I feel.”
“Do I? I’m not so sure. I keep hurting you. I-”
“What I did hurt you too, didn’t it? None of it is your fault, Mizi. You don’t have to be afraid. That’s not what I want.” Sua pauses, like she isn’t sure how to word it. She seems frustrated. Communication has never been their strongest, even now. Especially now. She blurts out, “I- I want you to touch me.”
“… You want me to? Right now?” Mizi asks softly, trying to mask all the uncertainties bubbling up inside her.
None of this is healthy given how wounded both of them are.
She knows that not everything can be fixed, but still, the closest thing to it is feeling Sua’s skin against hers. And the feeling is reciprocated in the way Sua searches for her gaze, in any and every moment they share.
“Mmm.” Sua nods. “I want it.”
As if to prove herself, Sua gingerly ruts against Mizi’s thigh, causing Mizi to gasp. Sua’s cheeks flush red almost instantly, surprised at her own boldness.
But Mizi’s still hesitating, eyes avoiding Sua’s curves laid out in front of her. The soft, wetness of her lips—far too intoxicating for her, who has never known restraint.
She’s a hypocrite. Mizi doesn’t want to use too much force on Sua, doesn’t want to impede her life anymore. Yet Mizi can’t bring herself to leave. She can never reject her, especially when she’s pleading like this.
“Mizi- Please-” Sua grows increasingly impatient, the friction between them building. Her arms cling to Mizi’s shoulders, pressing into her skin. Her hips thread back and forth, trying to chase her own pleasure on Mizi’s thigh. Mizi can feel the folds of Sua’s cunt through the thin material, and can feel her own hunger rising; sweeping at her inhibitions.
“Unnie. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.” She whispers into Sua’s ear, causing her to shiver, spine extending as she arches her back.
Something in Mizi breaks. She holds Sua’s hips firmly in place, rough palms stopping Sua from squirming too far out of her grasp, and this unintended force knocks all wind out of Sua’s chest.
“Mmgh-!”
A needy whine escapes Sua, tears leaving the corners of her eyes. Mizi doesn’t know how to comfort her. How does she even begin? All she can do is kiss the tears away, salt landing on her tongue as she licks at Sua’s face. It would be a lie if she says she isn’t turned on by the sight of Sua like this, pliant in her hold.
Reaching at the waistband of Sua’s pants, she tugs it until it slides under her knees—then she guides Sua’s head onto the bed, undressing her shirt while she does so. Under her, Sua legs spread apart on their own, her pussy in full view for Mizi. Sua’s fingers reach down to form a V shape, spreading the rim of her cunt a bit further. Meanwhile, her eyes are glazed over with desire, violet gleaming under the night’s half moon. Her cheeks still flushed a dark pink like the other parts of her body.
Sua is under her, begging to be taken.
None of it feels real to Mizi.
It is then she wonders, where is her punishment? At the end of Sua’s bare feet, she finds her heaven, entirely undeserved.
“-Love you. Love you so much. My Sua”. She can barely hold back her own tears.
“M-me too. Need to feel you, please.”
“Soon, my love. Can you say ahh?” Mizi gently commands. Dutifully, Sua sticks her tongue out, her mouth soon wrapped around Mizi’s two digits. They accidentally reach too far back into Sua’s throat, causing her to gag. She’s too cute, teary eyed like this.
The same digits—now wet with Sua’s saliva—reach Sua’s hole, already dripping wet from grinding on Mizi’s thigh.
“Please-” Sua breathes out, using her hand to guide Mizi’s fingers inside of her. Her hands are too shaky and clumsy that her attempts fail, leaving her a whimpering mess.
Mizi revels in the heavy, laboured breaths she makes. She wants to hear more. To see more. Every expression Sua makes when she’s squirming in pleasure, reserved only for her.
Hypocrite.
“Here, Unnie. I got you. Don’t cry.”
Mizi starts with one finger, breaching past the entrance of her cunt—burying herself into that tight space. Mizi is instantly hit by how warm and wet it is inside of her, the glide aided by the copious amounts of her slick. What acts as resistance is Sua’s walls, clamping around Mizi’s middle finger as Sua holds a shaky breath.
She finally exhales once Mizi plants kisses on her, trailing from her flat chest to her neck, teeth catching onto her nipple just to tease. With the gradual increase of pressure in sucking, red marks bloom with ease across her skin. So fragile, is all Mizi can think. So pretty marked up like this. Is it okay for me to do this? To mark her as mine?
Hypocrite.
Slowly, she adds another finger to the mix, curling and thrusting them into Sua as soft sounds escape her lips. Her pace starts achingly slow, adding to Sua’s desperation. Eagerly, Sua starts to move in tandem with Mizi’s thrusts, causing filthy sounds to fill the dorms.
The motion of Mizi’s fingers speeds up, her kiss moving upwards to Sua’s face; to her lips which purse in anticipation, so adorably—as if this was her first kiss. The two melt into each other, both aching to finally get a taste. Mizi holds herself back from devouring Sua completely, settling for the taste of her tongue. It isn’t long before spit dribbles in between the two, sweet, like ice candy, dripping on Sua’s chin. Mizi doesn’t hesitate to suck on it. It feels too good, despite how sloppy the act is. Mizi’s inner voice fades away.
While Sua is deeply engrossed in the kiss, Mizi’s thumb rubs against the bud of Sua’s clit in up-and-down motions; she hammers into the nerves as best as she can, relentlessly, drawing out another mewl from Sua. So beautiful, Mizi swears she can drink up her moans.
“M-Mizi. Mmph. I’m… I’m close-“ she gasps, taking a break from gripping Mizi’s arm so she can hold onto her pillow. Her eyes close shut from how intense the pressure feels, head tilting to the side.
“Look at me, baby. Focus on me.” Mizi tilts Sua’s head back towards her, placing another tender kiss on her forehead.
Sua is fragile, Mizi knows this. But she takes everything Mizi gives.
“You’re doing so good, Sua.” she praises, biting into Sua’s earlobe.
Her fingers press into Sua much faster and rougher now. At this change of rhythm, a new wave of slick leaks out of her cunt—the sound of Mizi’s ministrations now so obscene with the added wetness, they both feel like they could die right then.
It isn’t long before Sua reaches her peak, body quivering under Mizi’s weight. She can’t hold back her noises anymore. Her volume is so loud that their neighbours can hear them, as if it wasn’t obvious enough what the two of them are.
“Ngh- haah.” Sua’s breathing steadies as she comes down from her climax.
Mizi collapses next to her, both bodies pressed together on the small bed frame, stickiness clinging to its sheets. After some time, Mizi readies herself to leave—to bring Sua a fresh change of clothes and set of sheets. She only means to be gone for a minute, but Sua grabs her arm.
“Stay, please. For a little while longer.”
What can Mizi do except oblige.