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There was so much happening. People yelling to each other from various rooms, rushing around, panicked voices. Panicked actions. Panic, so much panic.
Remus stood still in the foyer, silently staring at nothing. He didn't feel the panic they were radiating, he didn't feel much of anything. His whole body felt numb. Empty. Incapable of feeling anything ever again.
“...in the basement.”
Remus blinked at the blurry figure that had appeared in front of him. “What?”
“Remus! I need you to check there's nothing in the basement.” It was Emmeline, he noticed as his vision focused. She looked concerned amid the chaos . “I know this is hard, love. I know. But we need to get this done, yeah? You can't shut down yet, we need you, okay?”
“Right. Get this done, yeah.. sure.” He muttered. “Basement, you said?”
She looked at him sympathetically, her hand placed gently on his arm. “Anything we don't want them to find, incinerate. If we need it, bring it to the kitchen.”
“Right.” He repeated. Turning down the hallway, he walked through the kitchen and opened the door to the basement. He took a deep breath, his chest tight. The last time he had gone down here, Sirius was with him... joking about something ridiculous. On full moons he had always tried to make Remus laugh, trying to ease the discomfort before his body put itself through the monthly torture.
Remus always complained – told him to shut up, that his obnoxious rambling made it worse. He was lying of course, they both knew that the mere presence of one another made any pain more bearable. Sirius would always respond to his grumblings with a wide grin and wink... then he’d continue the chatter as if nothing had even been said. Remus would roll his eyes, but every month he would absorb it all. Every moment with Sirius helped ease his suffering – he was magic, personified. He made Remus feel better in ways no Healer ever could.
But now Sirius was dead. His magic was gone. He would never be there to dull Remus’ pain again.
Remus thought nothing could hurt more than a full moon, but now being down in this basement without the one other person who should be here, he realised how wrong he was. Nothing compared to this pain. How can he still be alive and breathing when his heart has been ripped from his chest? How is his body physically fine when he is in the most unbearable pain imaginable? He would have taken a thousand full moons over feeling like this.
He circled the room, haphazardly looking through drawers and cupboards. He knew there would be nothing here. Nobody with half a brain cell would place anything of importance in a room hosting a werewolf once a month.
He sat down on the bed, resigned.. and his eyes zeroed in on the white pillow – on a singular black hair resting on the pillow.
Sirius’ hair.
The hair Remus would never run his fingers through again, the hair he'd never again breathe in the scent of as if it were a drug he was addicted to.
“Fuck.” Remus whispered. His eyes instantly welled, emotion coursing through him. Overwhelming him.
“FUCK!” he screamed out to the empty room. Empty, because Sirius wasn't here and never would be again. He threw the pillow across the room, then took out his wand. Anything we don't want them to find, incinerate it, Emmeline had said. Well, Remus didn't want to find evidence of the times he would never have again, it hurt too much. He aimed his wand at the pillow, arm trembling… but he couldn't speak the incantation. He couldn't bring himself to erase a single fragment of the man he loved.
His knees gave way and he dropped to the cold stone floor, shaking as tears streamed down his face, violent sobs wracking through his body – the only sound left in the otherwise lifeless basement.
As he wept, curled in a ball, Remus became vaguely aware of hurried footsteps on the stairs, and a pair of arms pulling him close.
“I've got you. I've got you.” the person murmured – a male Remus noticed, though his eyes were closed and his senses felt too foggy to recognize the voice. “Why are you.. you shouldn't be here. Let's get you home, Remus. Come on. Up you get.”
The man pulled him to his feet, his hands brushed Remus down tentatively then landed on his cheeks, thumbs wiping away the tears as his sobbing subsided into shaky breaths.
“Remus,” The man softly urged, “Open your eyes for me, there's a good lad.”
He did – slowly and painfully as the light burned into his bloodshot eyes. He found the face of the man in front of him, and his chin began trembling again.
“Arthur,” Remus whimpered. “I can't do this. How am I–I can't, I can't.”
Arthur pulled him close again, softly rubbing small circles on the back of Remus’ head. “I know, son. I know. Let's get you out of here. I don't know why they thought–ugh. I'm sorry, Remus, come on. Come with me.”
He led Remus back up the stairs and as they walked away, the pain he’d felt coursing through his body down in the basement was slowly replaced with emptiness. A hollow void inside of him that grew larger with each step away from the singular strand of Sirius’ hair.
They ended up at the fireplace, where Arthur placed a handful of floo powder into his quivering hand. “Go to The Burrow,” he said. “Molly's there, she's expecting you. I'll help finish up here and follow you shortly.” He clapped Remus on the shoulder, then gave it a reassuring squeeze. “You've got us, Remus. We're here for you, you know that, don't you? You're not alone.”
Alone was better than anywhere without Sirius, Remus thought. I don't want to be around people if none of those people are him.
He swallowed those thoughts, and instead nodded a silent thanks as he stepped into the fireplace. Staring ahead without seeing a thing, he dropped the ashes as his voice managed to croak out his destination. “The Burrow.”
☆☆☆☆☆
“Oh my goodness! Oh love, oh Remus you poor dear. Come, come here.. oh I am so sorry.” He had barely stopped spinning before Molly had pulled him down into a chair and clung to him in an embrace only a mother could perfect. “I don't know what–well, there are no words… none at all that will help, I'm sure. I just.. oh Remus.”
Remus didn't have the heart nor the energy to tell Molly he didn't give a damn what she did or didn't say. The entire earth could be on fire and he would still be sitting in that chair, unblinking.
“... don't know what they were thinking asking you to go there! Insensitive bastards! Arthur is furious, of course. I think a lot of the order forget that half of us never trained for this. I know the aurors get taught to compartmentalize, but most of us can't! Half of the order is made up of my own family, it feels like and–”
“Molly!” Remus butted in, a touch of reality finally breaking through. “The kids, Harry! And Ron was a mess and.. Hermione was hit with something dark, wasn't she! Are they okay?” his voice began breaking – desperate for confirmation there was to be no more pain. “Are they safe, Molly? Please tell me they're–”
“They're fine Remus.” she said, her palm gently patting his cheek. “Well, not fine, of course. But they'll be okay, no lasting damage it seems. Arthur and I went straight up to visit them, and I waited until they woke up. They're sore, and sad obviously. Mostly sad, but they have each other to lean on. Right now it's you that needs me.” Her pity-filled eyes found his tear-filled ones, and she shook her head lightly. “It's not fair, is it love? He deserved better, after everything he went through he...” She trailed off as her voice went thick, and Remus watched her chin wobble as she took some deep breaths. “I could go on for days about how he deserved better than the life he was dealt, but... it's you I want to focus on at the moment.”
He looked up at her and could see the concern etched all over her face. “Molly, I uh–” He coughed, trying to clear his throat. “I appreciate it, I really do. But… This isn't something that warm tea and a hug is going to make better.” Molly's eyes flickered to a steaming teapot and as she opened her mouth to respond, Remus hurriedly continued, “Sorry, not to say that it wouldn't be nice. I just mean, it won't help. He's still gone, he'll still be gone whether or not I drink the tea and I'm still going to be hurting whether or not I'm home alone or here with you. Nothing can change that, nothing is going to help me… feel better. I don't think..” He looked down and shuddered, fresh tears falling down his cheeks. “I don't think I'll ever feel better again, Molly.” His voice broke on her name and he was sobbing once more.
She wrapped her arms back around him, smoothing his hair and murmuring words he couldn't quite decipher.
“It hurts, Molly. It hurts so fucking much and I can't do this. I can't.” He choked out. “I barely survived losing James and Lily, I won't survive losing him. He was my–and now he's gone and there's… I don't–fuck! Molly, I can't do this.”
Molly kissed the top of his head, then stepped away into the kitchen. Remus thought for a moment that perhaps she'd had enough of consoling a grown man, but she quickly returned with a mug of tea in one hand, and a bottle of whiskey in the other. She poured some of the liquor into the mug and placed it into his hand.
“Drink it.” She ordered. “Now, Remus Lupin, you are one of the strongest men I've ever–no don't you roll your eyes at me. You are. You've been through hell on earth time and time again and every time you emerge with unfailing goodness. You will get through this. Grief hurts, it's raw and unmerciful and I know right now feels like everything is impossible but it won't feel like that forever. I promise you that. Now, drink your tea.”
Remus clutched the mug tightly to hide his shaking hands and took a sip. Then with a coldness that felt unnatural to him, he cut out. “You're so sure? How would you know Molly? Your husband survived. Your kids, they survived. How can you stand there and promise me it will get better when I'm the one who lost their everything tonight. Everything! You have your whole family living and breathing and–”
“Not my whole family, Remus.”
“I–what?”
“In 1980, I lost my brothers. Both of them at the same time. My only siblings… they were my baby brothers. 25 years old, they were–” she broke off, dabbing at her eyes. “They were so smart, brave, and for a long time, they were my everything.”
“Oh my... shit. Gideon and Fabian?” Remus could have kicked himself. He brought a hand to his face, framing his chin. “I'm sorry Molly.. I forgot, I…I’m an idiot, fuck I'm so sorry.”
“Don't be silly, love.” She took his hand in her own and patted it with her other, giving him a warm smile. “Do you think I expect you to have the clearest mindset right now, Remus? I'm still furious they sent you to headquarters. As if you'd be able to manage with that straight after.. How ridiculous!”
Remus just nodded along to her ranting, his eyes flickering to the clock every so often. At 10.34pm, the fireplace turned green and Arthur stepped out.
“Done!” He called out, monotoned. His voice sounded wrong without its usual cheer Remus noted. “Well… as much as we can be done for now, safely anyway. Everyone's gone home, Dumbledore is going to take over from here.” He sat down opposite Remus and gave him a sad smile. “I uh, I found this. Thought you might like it maybe.”
He slid a photo across the table and Remus reached for it slowly. He turned it over and immediately brought his hand to his neck as his breath hitched in his throat. The photo was from December, and it was of himself and Sirius sitting on the floor, clearly in a heated discussion. He remembered the moment – they were fussing over a badly wrapped present they'd jointly purchased for Harry. He smiled down at the photo, but the smile quickly turned to crying once more. He clutched the photo to his chest, “I'm sorry.” He whispered through the tears. “I'm grateful Arthur, really. This is… it's perfect. Thank you.”
Arthur just gave him a gentle smile with a look of quiet understanding, and a small nod. He then turned to Molly. “Did you manage to set up the bed dear?”
Remus looked up, confused. “What?” He blurted out. “You don't have to–I've got a house. I just, I'd been staying with… it's fine, you don't need to put me up, really. You've done enough.”
Molly just clicked her tongue, hands on her hips. She fixed Remus with a stern look. “If you think for one second I’m letting you go back to an empty house with a heart full of grief, you're sorely mistaken, Remus Lupin.”
He just stared with a slack jaw as he tried and failed to form words, instead his eyes filled once more. “You don't have to, I–”
“It's not about ‘have to’, Remus.” Arthur interrupted. “We want to. You're family and we love you, you belong here “
Remus’ breath shuddered. You belong here. He hadn't felt a sense of belonging since he was a student at Hogwarts. Always an outsider, perhaps invited to a table but never welcome to stay. And Molly and Arthur wanted him to stay.
“Remus…” he looked up to see Molly's gentle gaze on him. “You said to me earlier that you lost everything tonight, and I know that's how you feel right now, of course it is. But we – Arthur and I… And others too in fact, we're here to show you that isn't true. And we'll keep showing you until you believe it yourself. However long it takes, love. We're here for you, always.”
Remus said nothing, he couldn't… his throat was thick with emotion. He thought surely he had no more tears left to shed but he didn't want to test the theory. The Weasleys seemed to understand – Molly passed him a fresh cup of tea and the couple began light conversation between themselves while Remus sat silently next to them. He drained the last of his tea – the whiskey leaving a warmth in his throat, and gave an attempt of a smile at the pair as he slowly stood. “Molly, Arthur… thank you, really. I–”
Arthur waved his hand in dismissal, “No need for thanks, Remus, don’t be silly. Like we said, you're family.”
“Come on, love.” Molly said as she drifted closer to him, she then linked her arm through his to guide him toward the stairs. “The whiskey will help you sleep, it's best if you try and get a few hours. We'll see you in the morning, okay? Okay now, Arthur and I are on the third floor if you need us.”
☆☆☆☆☆
That night as Remus lay in the freshly made bed, he could still feel the emptiness. Heavy in his chest – or rather in his very soul, it was a wound that could never heal. But perhaps he had found a reprieve within the Weasleys' kindness. If he allowed himself to lean on them, even slightly… Molly might be right. Maybe this wasn't forever. He knew the void would always be there, but he could surround it with the people who remained. Sirius would want that, he thought. Sirius would always ease Remus’ pain by covering it up – so Remus would try, he would try so damn hard to honour Sirius by allowing his pain to be eased. He looked once more at the photo, and gently rubbed his thumb over it. Remus then placed it under his pillow and closed his eyes.