Work Text:
"Greetings, divine beings, and thank you for joining us during what is undoubtedly a very busy time slot in your schedules. As you must be aware, the Eden Project has now left the Impact Assessment stage, and we are ecstatic to move into Development. While our teams work tirelessly to achieve this, Celestial Management has found it prudent to address some. Ah. Issues. That have come to our attention. Michael, if you please?"
"Yes, thank you, Gabriel. These particular occurrences have become dangerously prevalent-"
"We do not blame you, of course. This is simply for information only purposes."
"Of course. Celestial Management will be giving these lectures to everyone, so please refrain from feeling targeted, even when scenarios might appear applicable to your activities."
"Even Management was forced to do the training. Some of those slides will scar-"
"Yes, thank you, Gabriel. Speaking of the presentation, if you could all direct your ocular appendages to the front. As those of you involved in the Eden Project are aware, humans will come with two different reproductive systems. On this slide, you can see the internal differences between the two, as well as their outward appearance."
"Told you, some scary visuals."
"..."
"Please, continue."
"Of course, Celestial Management cannot stop you from adopting any presentation. It is a personal decision that we, unfortunately, are unable to assist you with. However, we would be remiss if we did not make it clear that you are not permitted to connect your corporeal bodies. Yes?"
"Hi, yes, Raphael, Class 2 Archangel. In charge of the Alpha Centauri project."
"Yes?"
"Just a quick question, really. Trying to ensure I will not accidentally commit a sin."
"Of course. How can Celestial Management make this information more accessible to you?"
"Do you mean we are unable to unite our bodies using the pictured genitalia?"
"Precisely. There should be no... penetration... of any kind."
"While manifesting what is pictured?"
"Yes, that is correct. Which is why Management would strongly urge you not to experiment with your issued corporations."
"Even though you are unable to influence our decision, one way or the other."
"Did you have any other questions, Raphael?"
"No, no, perfectly clear. No union of our corporeal bodies while the parties manifest each of the pictured sexual organs."
"Yes. Well. Very well. Next slide, please? Here you can find the three ways humans are able to join their bodies. Yes?"
"Yes, hi. Raphael, Class 2 Archan-"
"Your question, Raphael?"
"What about the other positions to connect corporeal bodies?"
"There are no other positions available to either humans or celestial beings."
"No, of course. Thank you."
"Right. Please do examine all figures closely, and if you ever find yourself in any such position, it is imperative to alert Celestial Management as soon as practicable. We would only require the time it happened, the names of all those involved, as well as their Celestial ID number. Please do not rely on any other member of your activities to make us aware, multiple alerts regarding the same incident are allowed and, even, highly encouraged."
"Remember, angels, what we know will not hurt us."
"Thank you, Gabriel. Moving on, here are all the consequences of- Just ask your question, Raphael."
"What about our non-corporeal bodies?"
"What about them?"
"Are we able to... join them?"
"Yes, of course, you are able to touch while in your metaphysical bodies."
"We are not monsters, Raphael, we won't forbid you from showing camaraderie. We are soldiers, but we are, above all, a family."
"Of course, Gabriel. I only meant- in the same way depicted on those slides."
"..."
"..."
"Is that sinful behaviour?"
"I am afraid I do not understand the question, Raphael. The joining of bodies, inherent to humans, cannot be replicated while angels maintain their celestial corporations."
"But do make us aware if you find a way, will you, Raph?"
"Of course. I only wanted to ensure I don't mistakenly initiate penetration."
"Oh, no, you will know if you do anything on those slides."
"What is that supposed to mean, Gabriel? Have you ever-"
"No, no. I only meant- Looks like it might hurt, is all. Can't imagine doing it by accident."
"Very well. As I was saying, before being interrupted, here are some of the consequences of failing to maintain the purity of your vessels. As previously noted, such actions will hurt. Your bodies are not made to be penetrated. Perhaps you have impaled yourself on an errant mountain, or a stray star has cut through your corporation. This pain is infinitely worse. Remember that."
"Michael?"
"Yes, Raphael?"
"We can turn our pain receptors off."
"..."
"Most of us who deal with the cosmos have done so, especially after the second time a star burns through your whole left side. I believe it's the same for the Eden Project?"
"Oh, you will not believe how many times I've been bitten by a lion, mate."
"While that is true, it is not part of the ineffable design. I will advise you to refrain from doing so while not actively completing your celestial duties. Furthermore, activities such as these could also lead to your bodies succumbing to disease. Disease, or sickness, leads to the rapid deterioration of both the mind and the body. It could also lead to death, which is the complete cessation of existence. Please consider this, the next time curiosity strays you from the path of righteousness."
"We can't die."
"No, you-"
"No, we honestly cannot. Lehahiah, do you remember when you and Lelahiah got caught in that ill-timed meteor shower?"
"Oh, yeah, we were in the process of testing our corporeal bodies when that idiot Malik decided to unleash a stream of fire on us. Perfect end of a work time slot."
"But even when your bodies were obliterated by comets, the size of the Eden planet, nothing happened."
"Just popped back into existence, right as rain. Lelahiah's missing a few inches, though."
"No, I am not."
"See, we can't die."
"No, I suppose not. But it will hurt."
"All of our pain receptors are off."
"Next slide, please. As you can see, this is the main reason why you should refrain from ever joining bodies with a fellow angel. Just as it is with humans, intimacy such as this will lead to the creation of new life. However, while humans are encouraged to procreate... The creation of new celestial beings can only be done by Her, and attempting to circumvent this will be the ultimate act of blasphemy. Remember, sexual intimacy always leads to the creation of new life, which is a mortal sin."
"No, it doesn't."
"Raphael, did you happen to have a question?"
"No. Just wanted to point out that this is utter rubbish. No, don't give me that look. We are creatures made from Grace and stardust. No touching of any kind will create new angels. I'm pretty sure She is unable to create any more of us, seeing as we have not had a new angel in over a few millennia and-"
"I do apologise, Raphael. I realise that a high-ranking Archangel such as yourself must undoubtedly have more urgent tasks to attend to, rather than this presentation. You may leave, if you wish."
"..."
"You may leave."
"Excuse me, Michael. Hello. I was wondering if I could also be excused. The Eastern Gate is not completely finished, and I was really hoping I could-"
"Very well, Aziraphale. Please accompany Raphael off this plane of existence."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Raphael?"
"Yeah, angel?"
"You know that figure on the third slide? It looked like a very rudimentary image of what we did in your quarters last evening?"
"Don't be silly. What we do involves at least a few dozen more limbs."
"And a lot less pain, it seems."