Archive of Our Own

2011

Tyler leans up against his car and rolls his eyes.

The sound of his ex-girlfriend’s friend, whom he can count on one hand the amount of times he’s met before this, tearfully saying goodbye to her boyfriend, whom Tyler has never met before this, is going to drive him insane before the trip even begins.

Tyler has no idea why they’re even saying goodbye—or more accurately, making out with very minimal talking involved—by the car, anyway. He and his girlfriend had broken up because he was going so far away. He thought that would mean he’d leave without any hassle, until Josh, so he’s learned, and his girlfriend decided they had to do their farewells now. He gives them another minute or two before reaching inside the driver’s side window and laying his hand flat on the horn.

The sharp, blaring sound jolts the two apart where they stand at the back of the car, and they both shoot him a glare.

“Sorry,” Tyler says, feigning innocence. “My hand slipped.”

Josh rolls his eyes before returning his attention to his girlfriend. “Call me as soon as you get there,” she says, looking up at him with her hands clasped over her chest.

He rests his hands on her shoulders like he can’t bear to not touch her for even a moment. “I’ll call you from the road,” he says.

She pulls him into a hug. “I’ll be waiting,” she says. “I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you more,” Josh says, pulling back to press a kiss to her forehead, grinning in a way that makes Tyler’s jaw tick.

Tyler tunes them out, climbing into the car so he doesn’t get sick before they even hit the road. Josh had just happened to be moving to Columbus at the same time as Tyler, and their girlfriends had come up with the perfect idea that they should drive together to make the trip more convenient. They’d made those plans just before Tyler had ended things, and he wonders if he would have agreed if he had met Josh before today.

Josh finally climbs into the passenger seat, and Tyler starts the car, pulling onto the road before another hang-up can arise. Josh immediately starts messing with his vent, only to roll down his window anyway, letting his arm dangle out of it. He turns to Tyler, folding himself into the seat, and Tyler’s sure he can’t possibly be comfortable like that.

“So,” he says, “Why’re you going to Columbus?”

Tyler withholds an eye roll. He supposes small talk was always inevitable, but that doesn’t mean he was looking forward to it. “I’m finishing up journalism school there.”

“Really?” Josh says. “You don’t strike me as the type.”

“Well,” Tyler says, lifting his fingers off the wheel and shrugging. “I am. Why are you going to Columbus?”

“Got some friends there who need a drummer.”

“You’re joining a band?”

“Yeah.” Josh quirks an eyebrow. “You got a problem with that?”

“No,” Tyler says quickly. “Not–not a problem, I just—I’m just asking—”

Josh laughs loudly, startling Tyler. “Calm down, dude, I’m just messing with you.”

He nudges Tyler with his elbow lightly, and Tyler shrinks away from the contact. “It’s an eighteen hour drive, do you want to split it by hours or by mileage?”

“Whichever you want,” Josh says, running a hand through his hair. “You wanna tell me the story of your life?”

“Wh–Josh, what?” Tyler asks, momentarily looking away from the road.

He just shrugs. “We’ve got time. Eighteen hours, like you said.”

Tyler shakes his head, bewildered. “You’re…”

“What?”

“Nothing,” Tyler says with a short sigh. “Whatever. I don’t—nothing’s happened to me.”

“Really?” Josh says. “Nothing?”

“Nothing,” Tyler confirms. “That’s why I’m moving.”

“You think journalism school is going to make things happen to you,” Josh says, giving him a look.

“Well, sure.” Tyler shrugs again. “Don’t you?”

“I don’t know.” Josh traces a finger along the window’s outline. “Seems like you’d be writing about things that happen to other people, but that doesn’t mean anything’s happening to you.”

Tyler huffs, not wanting to admit that he’s never thought about it that way, but Josh is already talking again before he can reply. “What if nothing ever happens to you?”

“Well, that’s…” Tyler trails off. “Bleak.”

“Just asking,” Josh says. “I’m sure plenty of things will happen to you, I was just wondering if you had a fall back plan.”

“What about you?” Tyler asks, wanting the focus off himself. “Do you have a fall back if your band doesn’t work out?”

Josh shrugs. “Not really.”

Tyler looks away from the road again. “You—well, what if it doesn’t?”

“I’ll figure it out when I get there,” Josh says. “If I get there.”

Tyler doesn’t respond for a minute, at a loss for words in the face of Josh’s utter nonchalance. “I’ve never met anybody with no plan B,” he finally says.

Josh grins. “Well, now you have.”

˖.𖥔 ݁ ˖ ⊹ ࣪ ˖

“You’ve got it completely wrong,” Josh says, half laughing. “He wants her to leave, that’s why he puts her on the plane.”

“I don’t think she wants to stay—” Tyler starts to argue.

“Of course she wants to stay,” Josh interrupts. “Wouldn’t you rather be with Humphrey Bogart than that other guy?”

Josh had taken over driving just before the sun had set, and now that it’s well after dark, they’re about to stop at one of Tyler’s pre-planned diners before continuing on for the night.

“Well, if I was her, I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life in Casablanca, married to a man who runs a bar.” Tyler huffs, adjusting his seatbelt while Josh pulls into the parking lot. “That probably sounds really stuck up to you, but it’s true.”

“You’d rather be in a passionless marriage—”

“And be the first lady of Czechoslovakia—"

“—than live with a man you’ve had the greatest sex of your life with, just because all he does is own a bar?” Josh asks, turning to look at him once the car is off.

“Yes,” Tyler says, although his confidence in the answer wavers slightly. “And so would anyone in their right mind.”

He punctuates his sentence by unbuckling his seatbelt, and Josh watches him for a moment before doing the same. “I understand,” he says, and gets out of the car.

“What?” Tyler asks, following, sure Josh hasn’t caved that fast. “What?”

“Nothing,” Josh says, too calm for Tyler’s liking. “Forget about it.”

“No, what—forget about what?” Tyler insists, trying to catch up to Josh, who’s already at the door.

“It’s not important.”

“Just tell me!”

Josh turns around slowly, opening the door with one hand. “Obviously, you haven’t had great sex yet.”

Tyler flounders, and Josh walks inside, flagging the hostess down and asking for a table in the time it takes him to recover.

“Yes, I have,” Tyler argues.

“No, you haven’t,” Josh says without looking back as he leads them to a booth.

“It just so happens that I have had plenty of good sex,” Tyler announces, garnering more than a few confused stares from the other diner patrons. He feels his face heat and quickly sits down across from Josh, who’s hiding his laugh behind a menu.

Tyler rolls his eyes and looks at his own menu, but Josh speaks up as soon as it’s off the table. “With whom?”

“What?”

“With whom did you have this great sex?” Josh asks.

“I–I’m not gonna tell you that,” Tyler hisses, blush returning before it could really leave.

“Fine,” Josh says, looking back down, unbothered. “Don’t tell me.”

Tyler can tell Josh doesn’t believe him, and as infuriating as that is, it doesn’t help that he’s completely correct. He tries to run through the—admittedly very short—list of names just to say something, but he comes up empty, knowing Josh will just call him on it anyway.

“Well, what about you?” he asks instead.

Josh looks at him, eyebrows raised. “Are you asking me about my sex life, Tyler?”

Tyler bristles, eyes darting away. “Well, I–if you’re such an expert, then—”

Josh laughs at him again. “I just didn’t think you of all people would ask me something like that.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing,” Josh says. “You don’t need to take everything I say as a personal affront.” He looks at Tyler for a moment before closing his menu. “Anyway, what do you mean, what about me?”

Tyler starts to speak, but stops, also unsure what he meant. “If you know so much about great sex, who have you had it with, huh?”

Josh rolls his eyes, scoffing, then looks at Tyler challengingly. “A guy I dated last year.”

“A guy?” Tyler says, a little too fast and a little too loud.

“Is that a problem?” Josh asks, and though his attitude is still light, his tense shoulders betray that he’s genuinely asking.

“No,” Tyler says, quick and unconvincing. “No, I just—what about your girlfriend?”

Josh relaxes a bit. “She’s fine.”

“Then why—”

“We’ve only been dating a month,” he says before Tyler can even get the question out. “Hasn’t really come up.”

Tyler opens and closes his mouth, searching for a response, but then the waitress appears by their table, and any words die in his throat. When she leaves again with their orders, Josh changes the subject, and they never return to the conversation. It remains in the back of Tyler’s mind for a reason he can’t place.

He’s just figured out how much they should tip when he catches Josh staring at him across the table, his face resting on his palm. “What?”

Josh doesn’t say anything, but he has a small smile on his face, like Tyler’s done something amusing. “What?” he asks again, a little agitated. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“You’re a very attractive person,” Josh says after another moment, like it’s on the same level as commenting on the weather outside.

“Thank you,” Tyler says quietly, feeling his face heat again.

“No one ever mentioned how attractive you were before this,” Josh continues.

“Why would your girlfriend, or mine, for that matter, say something like that to you?” Tyler points out. “And anyway, maybe they don’t think I’m that attractive.”

“I don’t think it’s a matter of opinion,” Josh says, crossing his arms on the table and leaning forward. “Empirically, you are attractive.”

Tyler’s eyes widen, and he looks away before standing up. “I’m not gay,” he says quietly, hoping he comes off as firm, “and you have a girlfriend.”

“So?” Josh tosses a few bills onto the table and follows Tyler toward the door.

“So, you shouldn’t flirt with me,” Tyler says in disbelief.

“I wasn’t flirting,” Josh says. “Can’t I be gay and say you’re attractive without it being flirting?”

Tyler shakes his head but doesn’t respond, going to unlock the car door before realizing he’s on the wrong side.

“Okay,” Josh says, also on the wrong side, and keeps talking as they walk around the car again. “Let’s say it was flirting. What do you want me to do? I take it back.”

“You can’t take it back,” Tyler says, opening the driver’s side door.

“Why not?”

“Because it’s already out there.”

“Oh, jeez, call the authorities, it’s already out there,” Josh says, his tone mocking.

“Just—let it lie,” Tyler says, and gets into the car.

“Great, let it lie,” Josh says as he pulls his door open. “That’s what I always do. Let it lie.” He sits next to Tyler and shuts his door. “Want to spend the night in a motel?”

Tyler turns to him, another incredulous look on his face, and Josh cracks a grin. “See what I did? I didn’t let it lie.”

“Josh,” Tyler says slowly, starting the car. “We are just going to be friends. Okay?”

“Great, let’s just be friends.” Josh throws his hands up and buckles his seatbelt.

But they’re barely back on the road before he speaks again. “You realize we can’t be friends, right?”

“Why not?” Tyler asks.

“Because, and I’m just saying it like it is, you can’t handle the fact that I like guys,” Josh says simply.

“What?” Tyler protests. “I can, too.”

“No, no, because you’re always going to think I’m into you, and then you’re going to be uncomfortable, and then we’ll stop talking because you’re uncomfortable.” Josh shrugs. “This way we just cut out the middle man.”

Tyler shifts uncomfortably. “That would not happen.”

“Sure it will.” Josh looks over. “You think I haven’t seen it before?”

“I didn’t say that,” Tyler says. “I just said it wouldn’t happen with me.”

“It always does.”

“I’m not like that.”

“You think you’re not,” Josh says, “but you freaked out when I said I dated a guy.”

“I did not,” Tyler insists.

“Did too.”

“Did not!”

“Did too,” Josh says. “And like you said, it’s already out there.”

Tyler is quiet for a moment. “Well, I guess we’re not gonna be friends then.”

“Guess not.”

“That’s too bad,” Tyler says, and Josh looks over at him again. “You were the only person I knew in Columbus.”

The car falls silent again, and Tyler keeps his eyes locked on the road.

˖.𖥔 ݁ ˖ ⊹ ࣪ ˖

Tyler pulls to a stop by the entrance to a park a few blocks away from where Josh said his apartment would be. They’d driven through the night, and now in the early morning, Tyler is ready to move on from this trip as soon as possible.

He gets out of the car to help Josh unload his things, as few as they are, and after the trunk door is shut again, they awkwardly linger in front of each other.

“Thanks for the ride,” Josh finally says.

“Yeah, it was—interesting,” Tyler replies, sticking his hands in his pockets.

“It was nice knowing you,” Josh says.

“Yeah.” Tyler rocks back and forth on his heels, unsure what more he’s supposed to say, but Josh still hasn’t made any moves to leave. He waits another moment before putting his hand out, and Josh shakes it before grabbing his bags. Tyler starts toward the car door again, but stops short with his hand on the handle when Josh speaks again.

“Well, have a nice life.”

He turns to see Josh on the sidewalk watching him. He offers a smile, too nice for someone who’d told Tyler a few hours ago they couldn’t be friendly.

“You too,” Tyler says, and Josh lifts his shoulders in a way meant to resemble a wave, but his hands are full. Tyler waves back and quickly gets into the car before Josh can say anything else.

Once the door is shut, he watches Josh walk away for a minute, then shakes his head and starts off toward his own place.

˖.𖥔 ݁ ˖ ⊹ ࣪ ˖

2016

Tyler presses another kiss to his girlfriend’s temple. “I love you,” he says, smiling.

She smiles back, wider. “I love you more. And I’ll miss you so much.”

He tucks a piece of her hair behind her ear, twirling it around his finger. “You won’t even notice I’m gone.”

She leans her cheek against his hand. “I wish you didn’t have to go back early,” she says, frowning.

“I know, I know,” he says, trying to be sympathetic. He’s not actually that upset about returning to Columbus from the week-long visit to her sister’s that she’d insisted he go on, but she is. He doesn’t actually have to fly back now, not that he’s told her that, but cutting the trip short a few days is worth going back to work early. “But the next few days will go by faster than you know it,” he adds, attempting to ease her concerns more.

She sighs, almost wistfully, and goes to pull him into another hug when there’s a new voice behind them.

“Lauren?”

Tyler freezes. He knows that voice.

Turning around only confirms it, as Lauren says, “Josh?”

“Hey,” he says, shaking her hand before pulling her into a quick side hug. “How have you been?”

“Good,” she says. “I’ve been good. I’m in town visiting my sister this week, and…”

Tyler is only half listening to them exchange pleasantries, still frozen in place, praying that Josh won’t recognize him. He wishes Lauren was taller, just so he could try to hide behind her.

“Oh!” she says suddenly. “Josh, this is Tyler. Josh and I used to live in the same building.”

She uses the arm around Tyler’s waist to guide him forward, and he nods politely with a forced smile. Josh nods in reply, studying Tyler for just a moment too long, like he’s trying to place him but can’t.

“Well,” he finally says, “I’d better get going, but it was nice to see you again.”

With another nod to Tyler, he walks off, and Tyler watches him go for a moment before letting out an exaggerated exhale. “Thank god he didn’t recognize me.” He turns back to Lauren, who has a confused expression on her face. “We drove to Columbus together five years ago and it was the longest night of my life.”

She laughs, wrapping her other arm around his waist again. “How’d you know each other?”

Tyler pauses, finding it hard to remember exactly. “Friend of a friend, I think. I don’t know. But, and I remember this, he was just insistent that we couldn’t be friends.”

She giggles again. “Well, you’d better get going, too. Call me as soon as you land, okay?” He nods, and lets her pull him into another long hug. “I’ll miss you, I love you.”

“I’ll miss you,” he says, leaning down to kiss her. “And I love you, too.”

Tyler’s almost forgotten all about seeing Josh by the time his plane is in the air, but right after he asks the flight attendant for water, a familiar head of curls pops up behind his seat.

“2011, right?” Josh asks, resting one arm on the backrest behind Tyler’s head.

Tyler closes his eyes for a moment and sighs. It’s just his luck Josh would be on the same flight, right behind him. “Yes.”

“I knew it,” Josh says. “Did we..?”

Tyler turns fully, now. “No, we did not.”

The man in the seat next to him looks over, confused, and Tyler huffs. “We drove to Columbus together five years ago,” he explains.

The man offers an understanding smile. “Would you two like to sit together?”

“No,” Tyler says, at the exact moment that Josh says, “Yeah, that’d be great, thanks.”

Tyler rolls his eyes as they switch seats, and once he’s settled, Josh immediately bumps Tyler’s elbow with his own by setting it on the armrest. “You were going to journalism school, right?”

Tyler sighs again. “Yes.”

“And?” Josh prompts. “How’d that go?”

“I’m a journalist,” Tyler says, hoping Josh takes the hint that he doesn’t want to talk.

He doesn’t. “And now you’re with Lauren?”

Tyler nods, and Josh does, too. “Well, that’s good, that’s good, I’m happy for you. You guys have been together, what, a month?”

“Y–yeah.” Tyler furrows his brow. “A month and a week. How’d you know?”

“You take someone to the airport, it’s probably the beginning of the relationship,” Josh says, like it’s a commonly known fact. “You gonna marry her?”

“Josh, I—what?” Tyler asks. “We haven’t known each other that long, and neither of us are looking to get married right now, okay?”

Josh hums in acknowledgement. “I was just asking.”

“What about you?” Tyler says. “Are you seeing anyone right now?”

“Not really.” Josh shrugs. “Nothing serious, at least.”

Tyler shifts, unsure why that answer doesn’t sit right with him. “What about the band you were going to join?”

“We’re still together,” Josh says. “We’ve got an album and a couple EPs out, but we’re still independent. I’ve got a job on the side to pay the bills.”

“Well,” Tyler says. “That’s good to hear.”

 Josh drums his fingers on the armrest. “You should come to a show sometime.”

“I don’t know about that,” Tyler says, trying to let him down gently.

“Right, right.” Josh nods. “I forgot.”

“Wh–forgot what?” Tyler sputters, drawn back in with two words.

“That you’re still uncomfortable because you think I flirted with you one time five years ago.”

“I am not,” Tyler insists. “I’m just—busy, that’s all.”

“Sure, sure,” Josh says unconvincingly. “Totally.”

Tyler shakes his head. “And I guess you’re still sure we can’t be friends, then?”

“Yup,” Josh says, nodding again. “It’ll save us both a lot of trouble in the long run.”

“I’m sure,” Tyler says.

“But hey—” Josh grins, tilting his head. “If you ever change your mind, you should check us out.”

“Josh,” Tyler cuts in before he can continue.

“Hm?”

“Just let it go.”

˖.𖥔 ݁ ˖ ⊹ ࣪ ˖

2021

“And you know what?” Jenna says. “I’m done with him for good.”

Tyler looks over, hand pausing over the vinyls he was flipping through. “Sure, Jen,” he says, unconvinced.

“I’m serious,” she says.

“You’ve been saying that for months,” Tyler points out.

“Well, I mean it this time.” She sighs, haphazardly flipping through another crate of vinyls. “What about you? You haven’t mentioned anyone since you broke up with Lauren.”

“Because there’s no one to mention,” he says. “I’m not even looking for anything.”

Jenna gives him a disbelieving look as they move down the table toward a stack of books. “Don’t you think it’s time?”

Tyler shrugs, picking up a paperback just to have something else to look at. He doesn’t actually want to buy anything, but Jenna really wanted to check out this new shop and dragged him with her. “It hasn’t been that long. Anything right now would just be transitional.”

“You said you’re over her,” Jenna says. “So why not put yourself out there again?”

“I am over her,” Tyler says. “It wasn’t that big of a deal.”

“God, it’s like nothing ever bothers you,” she says, but she’s laughing quietly.

Tyler shakes his head, smiling, and picks up a Green Day CD, looking through the tracklist even though he already knows it well. Jenna flips through a novel next to him, before pausing her movements. Tyler glances at her, then at her face, and sees her staring at something across the store.

“What?” he asks.

She turns to him, then nods in the direction she’d been looking, and nudges him with her elbow. “Someone’s staring at you over in the VHS section.”

Tyler follows her gaze and sees who she means, and immediately rolls his eyes. The man watching them is half-hiding behind a rack of tapes, pretending to look at one in his hand, but Tyler would recognize those curls and that nose anywhere.

“I know him,” he says to Jenna, lowering his voice.

“He’s cute.” She tilts her head, but when Tyler scoffs, she teasingly asks, “An ex of yours?”

“No,” Tyler says, looking back at Josh. “He wishes.”

Jenna snorts. “Well, he’s coming over to you.”

“Shit,” Tyler says under his breath, plastering a polite smile on his face.

“Hey!” Josh says, with a much more genuine smile. “Tyler?”

“Yup,” Tyler confirms. “Uh, this is Jen—“

He turns to gesture to her, but she’s disappeared and is at the counter talking to a cashier, waving Tyler on when she looks back over.

“Jenna,” Tyler finishes, inhaling deeply and turning back to Josh. “Was Jenna.”

“How have you been?” Josh asks, toying with the corner of a paperback on the display table.

“Fine,” Tyler says.

“How’s Lauren?”

“Fine.” Tyler looks away. “I hear she’s fine.”

Josh frowns. “You’re not with her anymore?”

“We ended things a few months ago,” Tyler answers.

“Oh,” Josh says. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Yeah, well, what’re you gonna do?” He shrugs. “Anyway, how’re things for you? Your band?”

“Ah, not so good, actually.” Josh ducks his head, laughing dryly. “We broke up, too. About a month ago.”

Now Tyler frowns. “Oh,” he says. “What happened?”

Josh runs a hand through his hair, shrugging. “I was dating Eric—our bassist—pretty seriously, and things went sour,” he says, playing up a light attitude, but Tyler can feel how fresh it still is.

“Oh,” Tyler says again. “I’m really sorry, Josh.”

“Do you want to get coffee?” Josh asks, before Tyler can think of a more articulate response.

Tyler stalls, not expecting the question. “Uh—sure, yeah. Sure.”

And that’s how he finds himself at the cafe down the street, sitting across from Josh with a mug in his hands. Josh is surprisingly good company, given their track record, and Tyler almost laughs at how immature he used to act around him.

“So,” Josh asks, setting his own cup down. “What happened between you and Lauren?”

Tyler shrugs. “We grew apart, I guess. Things were fine when we started out, we wanted all the same things. My family loved her, hers loved me, but…I don’t know.” He pauses, tracing a finger around the rim of his mug. “We were living together, and she wanted to get married, and I couldn’t stomach it for some reason. Eventually it was just something we couldn’t push aside anymore. She said, this is what I want, and I said, well, I don’t, and that was that.”

He glances up at Josh and wonders why he’s admitting this, but Josh just watches him thoughtfully. “And the thing is, I–I’m not really upset,” he continues. “Really. The more I think about it, the more I’m sure it was the right thing to do. We just weren’t right for each other anymore.”

“Boy,” Josh says, exhaling. “You sound really healthy.”

“Yeah,” Tyler says, but he’s not sure he completely believes it.

They both pay and head outside, walking to the park across the street to continue talking.

“At least I got the apartment,” Tyler says, running a hand through his hair.

“Everyone always says that,” Josh says, shaking his head. “Like it’s supposed to soften the blow for some reason.”

Tyler laughs quietly. “Well, it is nice to not lose your relationship and your place in the same fell swoop.”

Josh laughs, conceding. “You know,” he says, “when we met, I didn’t like you that much.”

“I didn’t like you that much.”

“Yeah, you did.” Josh grins. “You were just really uptight back then. You’re not anymore.”

Tyler shakes his head. “That’s a little backhanded, don’t you think?”

Josh shrugs. “Maybe. It’s true, though.”

Tyler yanks at a piece of his hair, a little uncomfortable. “Alright, maybe—maybe you’re right.” He exhales heavily. “Is there a statute of limitations on apologies?”

Josh gives him a sidelong look, the corners of his mouth tugging upward, and hums. “Ten years.”

“Ah,” Tyler says. “I can just get it in under the wire.”

Josh laughs again, and Tyler stops walking and turns to him. “Would you—do you want to hang out sometime? Again, I mean.”

Josh tilts his head. “Are we becoming friends right now?” he asks, gesturing between them.

“Well,” Tyler says, shifting his weight. “Yeah, I think so.”

“Great,” Josh says, smiling. “Then sure.”

And that’s that.

˖.𖥔 ݁ ˖ ⊹ ࣪ ˖

Tyler fits so seamlessly into Josh’s life that he almost wonders why it took ten years for it to happen.

Everything is just a bit brighter now, for some reason, as September slips into October. He’s had plenty of friends before, plenty of partners, even, but none have ever been quite so easy to be with as Tyler. He’s always there, with a consistency Josh has never really seen before. Although it takes him a while to notice, he realizes that even if Tyler isn’t there, physically, they’re still most likely texting or on call with each other.

Like right now, for instance; Josh is laying in bed, watching Casablanca for a reason he hasn’t figured out, while on the phone with Tyler. He hasn’t spoken in a while, just listening to Tyler talk about his day, half-watching the movie without volume.

“Hello?” Tyler says all of a sudden, amusement present in his voice. “Did you fall asleep?”

“No,” Josh says, then clears his throat. “I’m here.”

“What are you doing?” Tyler asks. “I feel like I’ve been talking this entire time.”

“‘Cause you have,” Josh says, sitting up a little. “I’ve got Casablanca on.”

“Really? Why?”

Josh shrugs, although Tyler can’t see it. “I dunno. Remember when you said you would’ve been happier with Victor Laszlo than Humphrey Bogart?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Yeah, you did. On the drive to Columbus.”

“I would never say that,” Tyler insists.

“Does that mean you’ve changed your mind?”

“Josh,” he warns.

Josh laughs, and they both go quiet for a moment. Tyler is most likely getting into bed himself—it’s almost midnight, and Josh is getting more and more tired with each second that passes. “Have you been sleeping?” he asks.

“Why?” Tyler says, and Josh can practically hear his confused expression.

“I dunno,” Josh says again. “I think I’m coming down with something. The other day I went to bed at seven thirty, which I don’t think I’ve done since I was eight years old.”

“You’re not coming down with anything,” Tyler says. “I was up until four in the morning last night. Depression is just weird.”

Josh frowns, looking back at his laptop where the final scene of the movie is playing. “I don’t know if I’m depressed, necessarily.”

Tyler hums. “Maybe not.”

“I miss being in a band,” Josh admits. “I miss Eric.”

“You never told me why you guys broke up.”

“There’s not much to tell.” Josh drums his fingers on his stomach. “We’d been fighting, I guess, and one day he came home and told me he thought I needed to grow up and that he needed space, and then space turned into moving out, and that was it.” He watches the credits roll on the screen for a moment. “The band falling through just kind of followed suit.”

“I guess that’s the way it goes sometimes,” Tyler says.

“Do you ever miss Lauren?”

Tyler’s quiet for a moment, before he says, “No.”

“Really?”

“You know what I miss? I miss the idea of her.”

“Maybe I just miss the idea of him,” Josh says, then waits a moment, mulling the idea over. “No, I miss the whole him.” He sighs. “I’m definitely coming down with something.”

Tyler laughs quietly. “You’re not coming down with anything,” he says again. “If you’re so worried, you can go to the doctor.” Josh makes a sound of disapproval, and Tyler is more than likely shaking his head on the other side of the phone. “It’s probably just midnight and you should go to sleep.”

Josh groans softly. “Yeah, probably.”

Tyler laughs again. “Good night, you big baby.”

“M’not a baby,” Josh grumbles. “G’night.”

Tyler ends the call first, and Josh sighs before he plugs his phone in and switches off the lamp on his nightstand.

˖.𖥔 ݁ ˖ ⊹ ࣪ ˖

It’s a day well into November that Tyler and Josh are both off and find themselves walking through the art museum, because Tyler had wanted to see the new Van Gogh exhibition, and Josh had agreed before even checking his schedule.

Come to think of it, the thought of asking Jenna hadn’t even occurred to Tyler until he saw Josh waiting for him on the steps outside.

“I think I’m gonna start playing again,” Josh says once they’re back outdoors, walking along a concrete path.

Tyler glances at him. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Josh says. “I haven’t really touched my kit in a while.”

“That’s great, Josh,” Tyler says. He’s quiet for a moment, then scoffs under his breath. “Maybe I should pick up piano again.”

“You played piano?”

“Nothing serious,” Tyler says, shrugging. “Just messed around with it when I was a kid.”

“Well, maybe you should.” Josh knocks his elbow against Tyler’s, his hands still in his jacket pockets. They come to a stop in front of a pool of water with a statue in the center, looking at it for a moment before Tyler speaks again.

“Do you want to see a movie tonight?” he asks, unsure why he feels nervous.

Josh turns to him, a little stunned, expression sympathetic. “Shit, Ty, that sounds fun, but I–I’ve kind of got plans.”

“What plans? You have a date?” Tyler says jokingly, but he falters when Josh nods.

“Yeah, actually,” he says, his face tinted red, which Tyler chalks up to the cold.

“Really?” Tyler asks, sobering a bit. “With who?”

“A guy I met at work,” Josh answers. “I was going to tell you, I just—I don’t know. Felt a little strange.”

“What? Why?” Tyler reaches up, tugging at a piece of his hair. “I’m not going to freak out or anything, Josh. I think it’s great.”

“You do?” Josh asks, sounding almost hopeful.

“Yeah,” Tyler says, smiling. “I do.”

Josh smiles back, stepping forward to walk around the pool. Tyler watches him for a moment as he hops up onto the stone wall and steps forward, sticking his arms out while trying to balance on the ledge.

“Is that what you’re gonna wear?” Tyler asks, looking him up and down. He’s got a beanie pulled low over his hair, with a red sweater under his jacket, the sleeves of the latter falling over his hands. At the base of his neck sits a chain, with a string of pearls and small hearts beneath it.

“Yeah,” Josh says, then looks down at his outfit. “Well—I don’t know. Maybe. Why?”

“I think you should wear necklaces like that more,” Tyler says, gesturing vaguely toward his neck. “They’re really nice.”

“Yeah?” Josh asks, head tilting to the side.

“Yeah,” Tyler confirms, and looks away when Josh smiles again.

“Tyler,” Josh says after a second. “I think you should get out there, too.”

“Nah,” Tyler says, pushing his hair away from his forehead. “I don’t think I’d be good for anybody right now.”

“Come on, man, it’s time.” Josh steps down off the ledge, landing in front of Tyler again. “You barely leave your apartment unless you’re with me or Jenna.”

Tyler sighs, shrugging. “I just haven’t found anyone yet.”

“Of course you haven’t,” Josh says. “You don’t talk to anyone.”

“Shut up.” Tyler pushes his shoulder, and he plays up stumbling back, earning an eye roll. “You’ll be the first to know when I do, alright?”

“Fine,” Josh says. “Good enough.”

And so, the next day, Josh debriefs Tyler on his date while he builds a new coffee table for his apartment. There’s no real reason for Tyler to be there, since he’s just lounging on the couch and watching Josh, but he’d agreed without a second thought.

“I’m telling you, Tyler,” Josh says. “I think this was one of the worst dates of my life.”

Tyler snorts. “Really?”

“Really,” Josh says, glancing up from the table momentarily. “The entire night, every other minute, he’s telling me about something that reminds him of his ex. The waitress had the same hair color, and when she brought him his drink, he actually almost started crying because it was her favorite.”

Tyler laughs. “Didn’t he order it?”

“That’s what I’m saying.” Josh shakes his head. “It was awful.”

“Well, I’m sorry it didn’t work out, man,” Tyler says, still laughing. “You’re not making me miss dating, that’s for sure. If that was dinner, I can’t imagine what finding someone to go home with is like.”

“Well,” Josh says, “I mean, I still went home with him.”

“You did what?” Tyler asks, sitting up.

Josh shrugs. “It’s not a big deal.”

“You just spent the last ten minutes telling me why you didn’t like him,” Tyler argues, although why he’s doing that, he isn’t sure.

“So?” Josh leans back on one of his hands. “It’s not like I’m going out with him again or I made him think I planned to. It’s really not a big deal,” he says again.

Tyler looks at him for a moment. “I guess, man. Whatever.” He relaxes back against the couch again, although he doesn’t feel very relaxed. He pulls one of the pillows into his lap, wrapping his arms around it and resting his face against it. “It’s your life.”

He has no idea why he’s upset about this. Josh can do what he wants, and Tyler really doesn’t want him to think he’s uncomfortable or anything, because he’s not. Jenna tells him plenty about the girls she sees, and he’s never cared about that part, so it can’t be the fact that Josh’s date was with a guy. He thinks he’d probably feel the same way about him going out with a girl.

It’s probably the flippant way Josh seems to treat hooking up. Tyler’s never been like that, so he’s just not used to it.

He glances back at Josh, still working on the table, his tongue poking out as he works his screwdriver into the leg, and smiles to himself.

˖.𖥔 ݁ ˖ ⊹ ࣪ ˖

“I don’t understand,” Debby says. “I thought you said he was uncomfortable with you?”

Josh shrugs. Debby had asked to spend the day together, citing that they hadn’t in a while, and Josh supposes she’s correct. He’s been spending more and more time with Tyler these days, though he hasn’t meant to exclude her in any way. “He was, but that was, like, years ago. He’s not anymore.”

Debby narrows her eyes at him. “Do you like him?”

“Of course I like him,” Josh says. “We wouldn’t hang out if I didn’t.”

“No, no.” She gestures with her hand for emphasis. “Do you like him?”

“Get out, Debby,” he says. “It’s not like that.”

Her expression speaks volumes to the fact that she doesn’t believe him. “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Josh says. “And even if I did, there’s no chance of him swinging my way, so… it wouldn’t matter.”

“So you’re not even letting yourself consider this,” she says. “You’re afraid to let yourself be happy.”

“Will you stop? We’re just friends.” Josh rolls his eyes. “I like spending time with him. I feel like I can say anything to him.”

“Are you saying you can say things to him that you can’t say to me?”

“No,” Josh says, with a light laugh. “It’s just different. He’s got a different perspective than, like, anyone I’ve ever met.” He shrugs again. “He’s just nice to be around.”

“Do you tell him about guys you go out with?” Debby asks, still testing Tyler, despite him not even being here.

“Yes,” Josh says. “And that’s the point, is that I can tell him about things like that. I can be myself with him.”

She relents with a slight shake of her head. “If you say so, Josh.”

The conversation with Debby is still lingering in Josh’s mind the next day, sitting across from Tyler at the cafe they’ve frequented since that first time.

“Does it ever bother you?” Tyler says.

“What?” Josh says, taking a sip of his coffee.

“Like, I don’t know.” Tyler’s suddenly sheepish, despite being the one to ask the question. “Hooking up with people all the time.”

Josh shrugs. “Not really.”

“Don’t you, like, want to see anyone steadily?” Tyler asks.

“I mean, maybe,” Josh says. “No one’s really struck me as a long term partner.” He pauses, looking at Tyler for a moment. “And I don’t just hook up, like—it’s not just one night stands, or anything. It’s just that nothing’s seriously worked out in a while.”

Tyler fidgets with his cup. He’s avoiding eye contact. “I guess.”

“Have you seen anyone lately?” Josh asks, trying to gauge what’s put this on Tyler’s mind.

“No,” he says. “I mean—I don’t know. I’ve been asked out a couple times, I just—don’t really feel like I’m there.”

“Not there?” Josh repeats. “Not where, exactly?”

“I don’t know.” Tyler rakes a hand through his hair. “I don’t know. Just like—in a place to do casual, I guess.”

“I mean, you don’t have to be,” Josh says. “There’s nothing wrong with that.”

Tyler hums. “Must be easier, for you.”

“Easier?”

“You know,” Tyler says, gesturing vaguely. “You’ve got more options.”

“Options?” Josh says, raising an eyebrow.

“You keep just repeating what I say,” Tyler says. “That’s not a real response.”

He’s pouting into his cup, embarrassed, and Josh can’t hold back a laugh any longer. Tyler glares at him, dramatic, but he’s trying—and failing—not to smile.

˖.𖥔 ݁ ˖ ⊹ ࣪ ˖

December comes and goes with little spectacle.

There was Tyler’s birthday, of course, but Josh had taken a backseat to Jenna’s plans. Then there was Christmas, which had found both of them visiting family rather than each other. The most time they’ve spent together for the holiday season is right now, at Jenna’s New Year’s Eve party, that Tyler had begged Josh to come to so he’d actually have someone to talk to when Jenna was inevitably swept away by another one of her friends.

A party at which Tyler has, admittedly, probably had too much to drink.

Josh is in the same boat, too, in all fairness. They’re lingering near the kitchen, and Tyler is laughing at something Josh pointed out. He doesn’t know what was so funny, now, but with his forehead pressed into Josh’s shoulder, he doesn’t really care.

He leans back after a long second, fidgeting absently with the sleeve of Josh’s gray shirt. He has a mesh long-sleeved one underneath it, pulled over his hands, and Tyler can’t stop staring at it. Combined with the chain around his neck, with a small bar hanging from it, and the new red dye in the back of his hair, Josh looks…good. Really good.

“I like your hair,” Tyler says. “You should dye it more.”

Josh smiles at him. “Yeah?”

Tyler nods, looking down at the drink in his hand, swirling it around for a moment. “Thanks for coming with me tonight,” he says.

“Don’t worry about it,” Josh says, grinning wider. “Tell you what, next New Year’s, if neither of us is with someone, you’ve got a date.”

A date. Tyler giggles, his hand still on Josh’s shoulder, although there’s no reason for it to be. “Deal.”

He glances around, suddenly noticing how many people there are in the room and feeling short of breath at the realization. His grip tightens on his cup, but the second his hand falls from Josh’s shoulder, Josh is pulling gently at his arm.

“Do you want to go outside?” he asks, and when Tyler nods, he leads both of them out to Jenna’s balcony. Nobody else is out here, and the cold is a welcome shock to Tyler’s system. They can still hear the party inside, but it’s much quieter now, even with the street noise below.

“Thanks,” Tyler says, and Josh just tousles his hair with a smile.

The crowd starts the countdown to midnight, and Tyler sighs quietly. There’s a certain dread he always feels around the new year, and tonight is no different. He’s never been able to identify a cause, but it always comes creeping back on him around his birthday, and it eventually fades, just in time to reappear.

He leans a bit closer to Josh, just because he’s practically radiating heat still, and looks over at him for a moment. He’s grateful that, at least this year, he has a friend like Josh by his side.

The count reaches its end, and as the crowd cheers and pairs off to kiss, Tyler feels his stomach twist. He looks at Josh again, who’s already looking at him, and for a moment they just watch each other.

“I mean—” Tyler starts, his face already turning red. “Do you wanna—”

“Yeah, I mean,” Josh says, “it’s a tradition, right?”

“Yeah,” Tyler says, the words feeling thick in his throat. “It’s a tradition.”

So, Tyler leans forward at the same time that Josh does. It’s chaste, hardly lasting more than a second, and Josh is already pulling away by the time Tyler starts to process how soft his lips are. He opens his eyes, not even realizing they’d fallen shut.

“Happy New Year, Ty,” Josh says, face tinted red and smiling softly.

“Happy New Year,” Tyler says, returning his smile and letting Josh pull him into a hug.

˖.𖥔 ݁ ˖ ⊹ ࣪ ˖

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into this,” Jenna says, adjusting her purse strap as they walk.

“Look,” Tyler says. “Josh is one of my best friends, and so are you. We didn’t set this up to get you together, or something, just…so you can get to know each other better.”

“I don’t know, Tyler,” she says. “He seems fine, but…I don’t know.”

“He’s bringing his friend, too, Jen, and I’ve never met her,” he points out. “It’ll be fine. Worst case scenario, it’ll just be a little awkward.”

“You are uncharacteristically relaxed about this,” she says. “But fine. If you’re sure and it’ll get you meeting someone new, fine.”

This dinner had actually been Josh’s idea, once he realized Tyler and Debby had never properly met. As hesitant as Tyler was, the moment Josh insisted that he wanted his “two favorite people” to meet, he’d crumbled.

Now well into the meal, however, he’s second guessing again. He glances at Josh across the table, who doesn’t seem to be faring much better in his conversation with Jenna than Tyler is with Debby. They’ve long since hit a lull in their small talk, where Josh and Jenna still seem to be trying at least.

Josh looks back at him, and Tyler fidgets absently with his napkin as a thick silence settles over the table.

“Well,” Jenna says, abruptly standing up. “I’m gonna head to the restroom, I think.”

“I’ll go with you,” Debby says immediately, and in the time it takes Tyler to blink, they’ve disappeared and left Josh and Tyler alone.

Josh takes a sip of his water and laughs quietly. “This is going great.”

Tyler rolls his eyes. “It was your idea.”

“I know, I know,” he says. “I just thought you guys would, I don’t know, click better.”

“I mean, Debby’s fine,” Tyler says, trying to be sympathetic. “I just don’t think she likes me very much.”

“She likes you fine, she’s just—I don’t know,” Josh says, closing his hand over his glass. Tyler raises his eyebrows, and Josh sighs, relenting. “Fine, okay. She’s not exactly your number one fan.”

“She’s never even met me,” Tyler says.

“I know, just—give her time. She’ll warm up to you.”

“Time,” Tyler repeats. “Sure.”

Josh pushes a hand through his hair. “Give it a rest, dude. For my sake?”

Tyler looks at him for a moment before sighing dramatically. “Okay, okay, fine.”

Josh grins, like he knows Tyler physically can’t say no to him. Tyler takes a sip of his drink, staring down at it so he doesn’t have to look at Josh. They wait for a few minutes longer, both drumming their fingers on the table nearly in unison, until Jenna and Debby finally come back. They’re walking much closer together than they were, unless Tyler’s just seeing things, and both are in a much better mood.

“Well,” Debby says. “I think we’re about ready for the check, if you two are?”

And just like that, they’re outside again, and while Debby barely even says goodbye to Tyler, she hugs Jenna and says, “I’ll see you at lunch next week!”

“Lunch?” Tyler asks, once they’ve walked away.

Jenna shrugs. “So?”

“Nothing,” Tyler says, shaking his head and smiling.

˖.𖥔 ݁ ˖ ⊹ ࣪ ˖

Over the next four months, Debby and Jenna’s relationship quickly grows from lunch to inseparable, and by August, they’re moving in together. Tyler had dragged Josh out with him earlier today to find a housewarming gift for them.

What Josh has failed to tell Tyler is that yesterday he’d run into Eric, which on its own had brought up a slew of emotion, but at the same time seeing him with his new boyfriend had been another hit below the belt.

Josh shouldn’t be as upset as he is—he’s a grown adult, this kind of thing happens. He probably should’ve told Tyler, too. It’s not like he hasn’t had an opportunity; he’s asked Josh twice today if he’s feeling alright, both of which Josh had brushed off. And now, standing in Jenna and Debby’s apartment while they’re in the process of redecorating, he can feel himself growing more and more irritable by the second. He’s hardly listening to the conversation anymore, only throwing in a nod every once in a while just to make himself seem present.

“Josh?”

His head snaps up to find all three of his friends staring at him expectantly, although he has no idea which one of them said his name, and a quick, searching look between them provides no answers. “What?”

“I asked what you thought of Jenna’s photo arrangement,” Debby says, nodding her head toward the wall.

Josh looks at it fleetingly—it looks fine, mostly made up of Jenna and Debby, some with the four of them, some with family, and the like—but he’s not really feeling anything at the moment. “Uh, yeah, it—looks great, yeah,” he offers weakly.

He can feel Tyler staring bullets into his skull, more than likely trying to assess what’s wrong with him, but for now he says nothing. Debby leans a bit closer to Jenna, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. “That’s it?” she says. “You’re really off today, Josh. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he says, more biting than he intends, but he’s rapidly growing tired of the question and the concerned looks.

“Are you—”

“I’m sure,” he snaps before she can finish, but the change in her expression instantly makes him feel bad. “I’m sorry, I just—need a second, I think—”

He barely gets the sentence out before he’s out of the apartment, moving on autopilot and not registering his surroundings until he’s outside again. He leans against the side of the building and drags his hands down his face, exhaling heavily.

He doesn’t know how much time passes, just that it isn’t much, until Tyler comes looking for him. He comes to a stop in front of Josh, head tilted slightly.

“I know, I know, I know,” Josh says, before Tyler can even get a word out.

“Josh,” he says, “what’s wrong?”

He sighs, running a hand through his hair. “I ran into Eric yesterday.”

“Okay,” Tyler says. “Didn’t you guys break up a year ago?”

“So?” Josh says. “We dated for, like, four. I didn’t realize you were the expert on when I should be completely past something.”

He pushes off from the wall, and Tyler looks at him for a moment before stepping forward after him. “Hey, you don’t have to take your anger out on me, Josh.”

“I think I’m entitled to throw a little anger your way, actually. Especially when you of all people are telling me how to live my life,” he says, voice raising at the end unintentionally.

Tyler shifts, growing defensive. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means nothing bothers you! You never get upset about anything!”

Tyler gives him a scandalized look. “Don’t be ridiculous,” he says, shaking his head and turning to walk down the sidewalk, away from Josh.

He follows after Tyler. “What? You never get upset about Lauren. I never see that fall back on you. I mean,” he scoffs, throwing his hands up in defeat. “Don’t you experience any feelings of loss?”

“I don’t have to take this from you.” Tyler pushes past Josh, heading back toward the building, but Josh follows him again.

“If you’re so over her, why aren’t you seeing anyone?” he asks, knowing he’s pushing too far, but refusing to back down.

“I see people!” Tyler insists, wheeling back around to face Josh.

“Have you slept with one person since you broke up?” Josh asks, bluntly.

“What does that have to do with anything?” Tyler says. “That’s what’ll prove I’m over her? Because I fuck somebody?” He takes a step back, glaring toward the street for a moment before looking back at Josh. “I don’t see it making you feel any better.”

Josh stalls, but Tyler keeps talking. “And I will make love to somebody when it is making love, not the way you do it, like you’re out for revenge or something.”

Josh takes a breath, the argument having caught up to him, and shame starting to creep up his throat. “Are you done?”

“Yes,” Tyler says after a moment, although Josh isn’t sure he is.

“Can I say something?” he asks.

Tyler takes a deep breath, pushing his hair away from his forehead. “Yes,” he says again.

“I’m sorry,” Josh says, pulling Tyler into a hug, wrapping one arm around his shoulders and the other tightly around his waist. Tyler practically melts against him, his face half pressed into Josh’s neck, and Josh inhales deeply.

“I’m sorry,” he says again, softer, and releases Tyler when he pulls back.

“I know,” Tyler says. “It’s okay.”

He smiles, and Josh feels his heart ache at how understanding he is. He smiles back, and Tyler takes him by the wrist and leads them back inside.

˖.𖥔 ݁ ˖ ⊹ ࣪ ˖

Another month, another get-together at Jenna and Debby’s. This time it’s made up of a few of their work friends, none of whom Tyler knows particularly well, with Josh seated next to him on the couch. The conversation is slow, but the evening is nice nonetheless.

“So, who’s this girl you’ve been seeing, Josh?”

In an instant, Debby’s question makes Tyler’s demeanor shift away from its previous comfort. Josh had mentioned having a date a few weeks ago, but Tyler hadn’t heard any follow up on it, and certainly nothing about seeing anyone.

He looks at Josh, who is entirely unbothered, and he shrugs. “She’s nice. We’re going out again Saturday.”

Again?

“Think it might turn into something?” Debby asks, and Tyler wants nothing more than to change the subject, but he’s coming up empty. The only thing he can think about is that Josh didn’t tell him about this.

Josh laughs quietly. “I’m not sure just yet, Deb.”

Tyler’s in the middle of getting a handle on his facial expressions when Jenna saves him, announcing that she’s heading to the kitchen and asking if Tyler will come with her.

“What’s the matter with you?” she asks as soon as they’re out of earshot.

“Did you know that Josh has a girlfriend?” he asks instead of answering her.

She braces a hand on the counter behind her. “He does not have a girlfriend, Tyler. Why are you freaking out?”

“I’m not freaking out,” Tyler says, lying. “I just want to know why he didn’t tell me.”

“Maybe because there’s nothing to tell,” Jenna points out, “Or maybe because you react like this.”

“I told you I’m upset because—”

“That’s not what you’re actually upset about, Tyler, so you don’t have to pretend.” She reaches into a cabinet and pulls two glasses out, setting them gently on the counter. “Are you jealous?” she asks, filling one with water and handing it to Tyler.

“No—wh–why would I be jealous?” he sputters.

Jenna shrugs, taking a sip from her own now-filled glass. “That’s kind of what it looks like.”

She says it in such a way that is so casual, so simple, that Tyler nearly considers the idea for a moment.

“No,” he says, “That’s ridiculous, no. Josh is—he’s my friend, I’m not—”

He never says what exactly he isn’t, but Jenna knows anyway. “Tyler,” she starts gently, “you’re almost thirty-four years old. Don’t you think it’s time you let yourself loosen up a little?”

“Loosen up?” he repeats. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“All I’m saying is,” she says, “I think you shouldn’t be so strict on yourself. Even if…” She pauses, as if searching for the right phrasing. “Even if Josh is really just your friend.”

“He is,” Tyler says.

“Just think about it,” Jenna says, stepping forward and laying a hand on his shoulder, “okay?”

She doesn’t give him the chance to answer, walking back into the living room and leaving him staring at the glass in his hand.

There’s nothing to think about, he thinks when he takes his seat next to Josh again. He leans against the armrest and glances Josh’s way, just in time to see him lean back, laughing hard enough that his eyes are closed.

Tyler smiles, before remembering his conversation with Jenna, and his neck heats up, his collar itching.

There’s nothing to think about, he says to himself again, but another look in Josh’s direction weakens his surety.

˖.𖥔 ݁ ˖ ⊹ ࣪ ˖

It’s a night in November, one utterly unremarkable, when Josh’s phone rings and startles him out of his half-asleep state.

He takes a second to fumble for his glasses, and upon putting them on sees that the time is nearing midnight, but the buzzing on his nightstand is incessant. The screen displays Tyler’s name and photo, so he brings it to his ear. “Yeah?”

“Josh,” Tyler croaks on the other line, “Can you come over?”

He sits up at Tyler’s tone. “What’s wrong?”

“Can you just—” Tyler hiccups, like he’s crying. “Can you just come over?”

“Yeah,” Josh says, already on his feet and searching for his keys. “Yeah, of course. I’ll be there in a few minutes, okay?”

“Okay,” Tyler says, followed by a quiet sniffling.

Josh almost doesn’t want to hang up, but the drive isn’t far, so he reluctantly does with another assurance and a goodbye. He’s at Tyler’s door in no time, and he opens it before Josh can even knock.

He’s not quite in the state he sounded over the phone, but his eyes are definitely tinged red. He pushes a hand through his hair, tugging at it roughly. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Josh says, hardly masking his concern. “Are you okay?”

Tyler yanks at his hair again, grip on the door tightening. “I think I’m gay.”

Oh.

“Oh,” Josh says. Of all the things he thought Tyler would have called him about, this was certainly not on the list. 

Tyler scrunches up his face and steps away from the door, letting Josh inside, and once he gets it shut again he leans back against it with a sigh. “I’m sorry I called so late.”

“No, hey, don’t—don’t worry about that,” Josh says. “What—I mean, walk me though it, Tyler, how’d—where did this come from?”

Tyler shrugs, dragging a hand across his eyes and walking forward aimlessly. “I don’t know, I just—Jenna said—and then I couldn’t stop thinking, and now I’m just—”

He keeps starting over before he finishes a single thought, and Josh stays where he is, watching him pace. “Tyler, what did Jenna say?”

“She said—she said I should loosen up, ‘cause of you, and I keep looking back and thinking about how I never wanted to marry a girl, and maybe I’ve never even loved a girl like—like that, and—”

He’s going so fast Josh can hardly keep up. He steps forward, gripping Tyler’s shoulders tightly and stopping him. “Tyler, slow down, okay? Breathe.”

He takes a deep breath, repeating it until Tyler mirrors him and starts to calm down, just a bit. “There, see?” Josh says. “You’re okay. Now talk to me.”

“I just—” Tyler half inhales, half hiccups. “I just think that maybe I’ve been ignoring this for a while now.”

“It’s okay,” Josh says gently, squeezing Tyler’s shoulders. “It’s okay.”

“What am I supposed to do?” Tyler asks. “Most people have this figured out by the time they’re, like, twenty—”

“You’re thirty-three, Tyler,” Josh says. “You’re not exactly in a nursing home yet.”

Tyler laughs weakly, but it doesn’t last long, and he reaches back up to pull his hair. Josh catches his wrist, then his other one, pulling him into a hug instead. Tyler immediately buries his face into Josh’s neck, gripping the back of his shirt tightly.

“You’re going to be fine,” Josh says, running his hand up and down Tyler’s back and pressing his nose into Tyler’s hair.

Tyler nods, and Josh moves to step back, but Tyler holds him in place, lifting his head. “Wait, don’t—don’t go.”

“I’m not—” Josh starts, but the expression on Tyler’s face makes him choke on his words. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Tyler doesn’t say anything, but he nods, almost imperceptibly. Josh pulls him back in closer, pressing his lips to Tyler’s forehead. Tyler looks up again, eyes searching for something within Josh’s, and then he leans forward until their mouths meet.

Josh freezes, at first, but as Tyler’s hand comes up to rest on his jaw, he finds himself kissing back. His grip tightens around Tyler, until his brain kicks back into gear and he remembers the state Tyler is currently in.

“Wait,” Josh says, breaking away, even as Tyler tries to chase him. “You’re not—we shouldn’t—”

“Josh,” Tyler says, his voice unbearably soft. “Please.”

He can feel his resolve rapidly weakening, but he tries to hold off. “Are you—are you sure?”

Tyler nods, brushing their noses together. “Yeah, I’m sure,” he says, and with those three words Josh crumbles completely.

He kisses Tyler again, hands sliding down to his waist while Tyler’s fingers find their way into the hair at the base of Josh’s neck. He sighs quietly against Josh’s mouth, tilting his head to deepen the kiss.

Josh has never really put much thought into how he feels about Tyler; he’s never felt a need to. Tyler is his friend, his best friend, and there was never a reason to reevaluate that because Tyler would never want anything more.

But now, Josh is quickly realizing that he wants.

He feels almost weak with it, pushing his tongue past Tyler’s lips when he parts them. Tyler lets out a soft noise, one that makes warmth bloom in Josh’s chest, and he starts pulling them both backwards toward his room.

“Tyler—”

He cuts Josh off with another quick kiss. “Stop overthinking this, Josh.”

It’s ironic, Tyler of all people telling Josh not to overthink, so ironic that he laughs, short and incredulous. Instead of saying anything else, he leans back in and lets Tyler guide them to his room clumsily. Josh kicks the door shut behind them and pushes Tyler forward until the backs of his knees hit the bed and he falls back onto it, and Josh follows immediately, until Tyler is pressed into the pillows and Josh is leaving wet kisses down his neck.

Tyler whines, hands pulling at Josh’s shirt until it’s up over his head. Josh pulls Tyler’s off in turn, grasping at his sides and making his breath hitch.

“Jesus,” Tyler gasps, “You’re handsy.”

Josh grins, biting down teasingly just to get a reaction out of him. Tyler arches slightly off the mattress, gasping again loudly next to Josh’s ear.

“And you’re sensitive,” Josh says, leaning back up and kissing him when he makes a face.

“Shut up,” Tyler says, the usual fight in him starting to come back, “Stop—stop teasing me, just—just fucking—”

Whatever he was going to say is lost when Josh slots his thigh between Tyler’s and he immediately rolls his hips down against it, honest to god whimpering in the process.

“Jesus,” Josh whispers, adding pressure just to hear him make that sound again.

“Josh,” Tyler groans, head falling back and exposing his neck, which Josh can’t not latch onto again. In part, he does it to hide his reaction to Tyler saying his name like that, whiny and like it’s the only word on his mind.

Josh dips his fingers just beneath Tyler’s waistband, running the backs of them along his skin and drawing his bottom lip between his teeth as he watches Tyler shift beneath his touch, seemingly unable to keep still. He looks back up at Tyler’s face, where his eyes are squeezed shut, and he grasps along Josh’s shoulder and neck until his hand is back in Josh’s hair and he pulls at it absently. Tyler’s nails scrape along his scalp, and he leans up into the feeling, sighing softly.

“Tyler,” Josh says, tugging at his waistband until he cracks his eyes open. “Can—can I…?

He nods, biting his lip. “Yeah,” he says, already sounding breathless.

Josh exhales heavily, pulling Tyler’s pants down slowly, until they’re off completely and tossed aside, immediately forgotten as he’s faced with the frankly obscene tent in Tyler’s underwear.

“Holy shit,” Josh says under his breath, running his hands over Tyler’s now bare thighs, squeezing gently. “Christ, you’re—”

The word perfect is stuck in his throat, not wanting to overwhelm Tyler and even surprising himself with how much he means it.

“Josh,” Tyler says, scratching at his scalp again. “I need—I need you to do something, please—”

Snapping out of his thoughts, Josh nods, reaching forward and cupping Tyler through the fabric, pulling a sharp gasp and a moan from him. He immediately grinds up against Josh’s hand, and Josh quickly moves to slip his hand into Tyler’s boxers and wrap it around his cock. He’s already leaking at the tip, and when Josh starts moving his hand again he moans loudly.

Josh is mesmerized by him, so much so that after a bit Tyler has to pull his hair again and tap at his shoulder to get his attention. “I don’t—don’t wanna come like this, Josh—”

He withdraws his hand, earning another groan, and leans down to kiss beneath Tyler’s jaw, smiling when he tilts his head back to give him access.

“Shit.” Tyler closes his eyes, flustered. He press his lips to the top of Josh’s ear, a slight whine in his voice. “Josh, can—can you fuck me, please?”

“Fuck, Tyler,” Josh breathes, “Are you sure?”

He nods rapidly, wrapping his arms around Josh’s neck. “Yeah, yeah, please—”

Josh groans, surging back up to kiss him again, open-mouthed and messy. Tyler lets out a shocked noise in Josh’s mouth, quickly lost in the space between them. Josh grips his waist, pulling him up at the same time that he grinds down, and the friction when they meet makes them both groan.

“Ty,” Josh manages, breaking away for a moment. “Do you have—”

“Nightstand,” Tyler answers.

He refuses to let go of Josh when he leans over to the drawer, and with his somewhat limited mobility he fumbles blindly until his hand closes around the bottle. Josh can’t help but note that it’s noticeably full, but he doesn’t comment on it and instead just sets it down next to them.

He sits back, setting his hands on Tyler’s hips and sliding his index fingers underneath the waistband of his boxers, looking up in a silent question. Upon receiving a nod, he slips them off, breath stuttering at the sight of Tyler’s dick hitting his stomach.

Possessed by something he doesn’t quite have a name for yet, Josh leans down, pressing his lips to the inside of Tyler’s thigh. Tyler’s breath hitches above him, so he keeps going, first kissing with stronger intent, then biting, running his tongue over each mark soothingly.

There’s more he wants to do, more he wants to say, even, but he feels Tyler growing impatient. He reaches for the bottle of lube and coats his fingers in a generous amount, before dragging his other hand over one of Tyler’s legs.

“Tyler,” he says, “can you—”

Once again, Tyler answers before he can finish the question, this time by spreading his legs. Josh’s mouth goes dry, and he looks back up at his face, bright red and biting his lip again.

“Shit,” Josh whispers, swallowing heavily, and brings his hand up to trace the rim of Tyler’s entrance. “Have you ever done this before?”

Tyler shakes his head, as expected, but then he speaks up. “Not with another person,” he says quietly, “but I’ve tried doing it to myself.”

He looks away like he’s embarrassed, but now the image of Tyler on his back, working his own fingers into himself, whining as he can’t quite reach that spot inside him, plants itself into Josh’s mind and an embarrassing amount of pre cum soaks into his boxers.

“Oh,” Josh manages to choke out, “okay, well, this’ll feel a little different, but—”

“Josh,” Tyler interrupts, running his fingers through his hair. “Just get on with it.”

Nodding, Josh pushes a finger in slowly, watching Tyler’s reactions carefully. His breath catches, and Josh moves back up to nose along his throat. Tyler’s arms tighten around his neck, but soon enough he relaxes into it, sighing contentedly next to Josh’s ear.

Josh adds another, and once Tyler adjusts, he starts rolling his hips down to meet the movement of Josh’s fingers, letting out quiet sounds he doesn’t even seem to be fully aware of. Josh kisses down his chest, eventually slipping in a third finger, crooking them up until Tyler gasps sharply.

“Fuck,” he moans, digging his nails into Josh’s skin, “fuck, Josh—”

“Yeah?” Josh asks, looking back up at him.

Tyler nods, eyes shut again as he tries to hold back a whine. “Josh, c’mon, please, need you now.”

He moans again softly when Josh pulls his fingers out, opening his eyes as Josh sits back to shuck off his pants and boxers. Tyler lets out a shaky breath, and Josh feels a bit self conscious at his entirely unsubtle staring.

“What?” Josh asks.

“Nothing,” Tyler says, but his tongue darts out to moisten his lips and he doesn’t look away. “Just—I definitely think I’m gay.”

“Oh,” Josh says dumbly, face heating up. “Uh, that’s good, I think?”

Tyler shakes his head dazedly, reaching for Josh to pull him back down into a kiss. Josh indulges him until he whines impatiently, breaking away and grabbing the lube again to slick himself up while Tyler watches him in a way he can only describe as hungry.

He leans back over Tyler, kissing beneath his ear, and realizes he’s left his glasses on this entire time. He reaches up to pull them off, but Tyler is quick to stop him by grabbing his wrist.

“Ty?” Josh asks, brows drawing together.

He lets go of Josh and looks away again, seemingly embarrassed at his impulse. “I—you can take them off, if you want, I just—”

“You want me to leave them on?” Josh smiles, pulling Tyler’s hand away when he lifts it to cover his face.

Tyler nods sheepishly, hand closing into a loose fist in Josh’s grip, and Josh smiles wider. He presses a kiss to Tyler’s palm, then to his lips, releasing his hand. “You ready?”

Tyler nods again. “Yeah,” he whispers, cupping Josh’s jaw and tracing his thumb over it gently.

Josh pushes in slowly, taking in the shifts in Tyler’s face while he gets used to the feeling. One of his hands comes up to rest on Josh’s shoulder, grip tensing as he starts whimpering breathily. Josh stops once he’s fully inside, waiting for Tyler to adjust.

“Josh,” he says after a bit, “c’mon, I’m ready.”

With a deep breath, Josh pulls out nearly all the way before thrusting back in. Tyler responds immediately by arching his back, moaning loudly as Josh sets a steady pace. He wraps one arm around Josh’s neck again, his other hand dragging his nails over his back.

“More,” Tyler whines, “Harder, please, Josh—”

“Fuck,” Josh groans, head dipping, “Again, Tyler, say my name again, fuck—”

“Josh!”  Tyler’s legs wrap around his waist as he speeds up, and he slides one hand back into Josh’s hair to pull him up into a kiss. Josh shoves his tongue past Tyler’s lips, moaning into his mouth.

With both hands, Josh lifts Tyler up slightly by the waist, changing the angle slightly. The effect is instant; Tyler lets out a sharp gasp and a loud moan, nearly incoherent when he tries to speak.

“Fuck, I’m close, can you—can you touch me, please,” he whimpers, and Josh closes one hand around his neglected cock. He gets a high pitched whine in response, and Tyler bucks up into his fist while still trying to grind down and meet his thrusts, seemingly caught between the two points of pleasure.

Josh leans down to mouth at his neck. “C’mon, Ty, come for me,” he says, quickening the pace of his hand. “Doing so good, taking me so well—”

“Fuck,” Tyler chokes out, coming over his fist and whimpering softly as Josh keeps fucking into him. He clenches around Josh, and that combined with the sight of him falling apart are what send Josh over the edge, dropping his head into the crook of Tyler’s neck as he spills into him.

He slows to a stop, riding the last of it out, and eventually he lifts his head again to check on Tyler.

Tyler cracks his eyes open, a blissed-out smile forming on his face, and he sets both hands on the sides of Josh’s face to draw him into a lazy kiss. Josh shifts, pulling out and swallowing the noise Tyler makes in response.

Josh breaks away after a few minutes, sliding off the bed and finding his way to Tyler’s bathroom in search of a towel. He catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror, the most notable part of his appearance being his ridiculously askew glasses, and he fixes them quickly before heading back to Tyler’s room.

Tyler is still in the same position Josh left him in, sprawled out on the mattress, chest flushed and entirely, utterly beautiful. He makes a soft sound when Josh cleans him up, and as soon as Josh discards the towel he’s reaching out and pulling him back onto the bed.

“Shit—” Josh says as he lands ungracefully next to Tyler, who’s instantly clinging to Josh’s chest and burrowing into his neck.

Josh pulls the blanket over them and sets his glasses on the nightstand, accepting that Tyler isn’t letting him go before the sun rises. He runs his fingers through Tyler’s hair and he sighs, quiet and content and definitely asleep already. Josh presses a soft kiss to his forehead, and he nuzzles in further, nose brushing against Josh’s skin.

He listens to Tyler’s slow, heavy breathing, and wishes he could indulge in the comfort it brings him. Because while it’s comforting now, he has no idea what this will all mean in the morning. He barely knows what it might mean at this moment, to him or to Tyler.

He drags his hand over Tyler’s back, feeling the smooth skin beneath his fingertips. Tyler just figured out that he’s gay, he needs a friend right now, not—whatever this was, or is, or might turn into.

He stares up at Tyler’s ceiling in the darkness, moonlight drifting through his curtains in slivers over the entire room. He needs to stop this before it becomes something too big to ignore. It’ll be awkward for a little while, but ultimately, it’ll preserve their friendship, and that’s the most important thing.

Even with that cold comfort, it’s a long time before Josh is able to drift off.

˖.𖥔 ݁ ˖ ⊹ ࣪ ˖

When Tyler wakes to a cold bed, it takes him a moment to realize something is wrong. He opens his eyes slowly, reaching out blindly, but once he’s met with sheets and nothing else, he sits up quickly.

“Josh?” he calls softly, rubbing one hand across his eyes. The light coming from his window is blinding, but he drops his hand and spots Josh across the room, dressing himself quietly. “Josh, wh–where are you going?”

Josh looks at him sympathetically, tugging his shirt over his head. “I have work,” he says, walking back over to Tyler. “And I really need to run home first,” he adds, picking his glasses up off the nightstand and sliding them onto his face.

“Oh,” Tyler says, looking up at him and not awake enough to hide his disappointment.

Josh combs his fingers through Tyler’s hair. “If you’re free later, though, we can go get dinner, okay?”

Dazed, Tyler nods. “Okay.”

Josh leans down and presses a quick kiss to Tyler’s forehead, and before Tyler can even react, he’s already gone.

Tyler watches the space he was just in for a minute, then flops back down onto his pillow, dragging his hands down his face and groaning. He fumbles around his nightstand until he finds his phone, calling Jenna and pressing it to his ear with a sigh.

He’s a little surprised she answers this early. “Tyler?”

“Jen,” he says, “You’re gonna want to sit down for this.”

Ever patient, she lets him ramble through the entire story, start to finish, with little interruption. When he’s done, she’s quiet for a long moment.

“Have you stopped to think that this could be a good thing?” she finally says.

He has not. “No?”

“You’re finally letting yourself acknowledge this, Tyler,” she says. “Debby and I have been saying it for months. You two were going to have to address this sooner or later.”

“But he practically ran out the door, Jenna,” Tyler says, still processing her words. “Months?”

“It doesn’t matter,” she dismisses. “Just talk to him, okay?”

After she makes him promise that he will, she hangs up so she can get ready, and Tyler stays where he is for a bit longer before he drags himself up. He resolves to tell Josh they made a mistake, sure that Josh will tell him the same thing. They don’t need to overcomplicate their friendship, no matter what Tyler feels, because it’s obvious Josh doesn’t feel the same way.

He moves through the day distracted and feeling off, and it’s not until he’s on his way to meet Josh that he realizes it’s because they’ve barely spoken today.

Josh picked an oddly formal place for them to eat at, and Tyler really wishes he could shake the feeling that this is a break up of some kind, because it isn’t. There’s nothing to even break up, but it keeps nagging at him while they order their food.

A heavy silence hangs over them once the waiter leaves, before Tyler finally cracks. “It was a mistake.”

Josh looks surprised, almost, but relieved at the same time. “Yeah, yeah, I mean—definitely.”

Tyler falters, his face falling. He’d wanted Josh to agree, sure, just—maybe not that fast. “Right,” he says, looking down.

“Not that it wasn’t good,” Josh continues, and Tyler’s eyes snap back up. “But we never should’ve done it.”

“Right,” he says again. “Couldn’t agree more.”

“Good,” Josh says, fidgeting with the bottom of his glass. “Glad you feel the same way.”

Tyler nods, smiling weakly. He looks down again, wishing he felt the relief he’d expected to, or at least wanted to. Instead, his chest feels hollow, and when the waiter comes back with their food, a wave of nausea washes over him. He spares another glance at Josh, who stares down at his plate similarly. For the first time in his life, he wishes he was anywhere but with Josh.

˖.𖥔 ݁ ˖ ⊹ ࣪ ˖

Things decidedly do not improve between Tyler and Josh in the coming weeks.

They hardly even talk. Tyler supposes it’s mostly his fault, since Josh does still text him every now and then, but Tyler can’t bring him to respond with more than a few words, if he does at all. It’s not that he doesn’t want to talk to Josh, it’s more the insurmountable gap that seems to be forming between them.

It’d be easier if they were on the same page about things, about their relationship, but they seem to be in wildly different places. Tyler has never imagined being one of Josh’s hook-ups, much less one that he would practically run away from the morning after. When he’d called Josh that night, and then when he’d kissed Josh, he’d thought—

Well, he wasn’t thinking. That was the problem.

Matters aren’t helped when Jenna and Debby call him to tell him they’re engaged. In fact, it’s just about the opposite of something Tyler wanted to hear right now.

“Isn’t this…I don’t know, kind of soon?” he’d asked.

“Well, when you know, you know,” had been Jenna’s answer, and the simplicity and surety had been enough to shut him up.

Now, at the party they’ve thrown in celebration, her words are still lingering in Tyler’s mind. It’s early December, about a week since Tyler’s birthday, which had come and gone with little to say. Josh had reached out, asked to make plans, and Tyler had turned him down, which has become his go-to response lately. It’s not fair to Josh, he knows it isn’t, but he isn’t sure he can stomach the embarrassment of trying to face him like nothing happened.

He’s separated himself from most of the small crowd; he doesn’t want to be a damper on Jenna and Debby’s day. They don’t deserve that, and as he stares into his drink, leaning against a wall in a corner, he wonders if he should come up with an excuse to leave. He definitely won’t be missed, not with his attitude bearing a stark contrast to the rest of the room.

He looks up, taking another sip while his gaze drifts through the crowd, he catches a flash of red hair across the room. It makes him freeze instantly, and he swallows thickly, but before he can find a way out, Josh is already sliding up beside him.

“Hey,” he says, uncharacteristically timid.

“Hey,” Tyler says coldly, refusing to meet his eye.

“Crazy news about Debby and Jenna, huh?” he asks, leaning against the wall as well, close enough that Tyler can feel his arm brush against his own.

“Yeah.”

Josh goes quiet for a moment, before sighing. “The holidays sure are tough, huh? That last stretch between Thanksgiving and New Year’s is always the longest of the year.”

“A lot of suicides,” Tyler says.

Josh nods, silent again. “So, how’ve you been?”

“Fine.”

“Seeing anybody?”

“Josh,” Tyler says slowly, “I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t,” Tyler says, looking away. He pushes off the wall, heading further away from the living area, ending up in the hallway.

“Why can’t we get past this?” Josh asks, following him. “Are we going to have to carry this around forever?”

“Forever?” Tyler stops walking and turns back around to face him now that they’re out of earshot. “It happened three weeks ago. It’s not my fault you want to act like it didn’t mean anything!”

“Of course it meant something,” Josh says, “I’m just saying why does it have to mean everything?”

“Because it does!” Tyler pushes a hand through his hair. “You should know that better than anybody, since you walked right out the door as soon as it happened.”

“I did not walk out on you,” Josh insists. “And we both agreed it was a mistake.”

“The worst mistake I ever made!” Tyler says, raising his voice and pushing past Josh to head to the kitchen, which he prays is empty.

It is, but Josh is still right behind him. “What do you want from me, Tyler?”

“I don’t want anything from you!” Tyler yells, slamming his cup onto the counter.

“Fine, but let’s just get one thing straight,” Josh says, “I did not go over that night to have sex with you. That is not why I went there, but you looked at me with these big, weepy eyes, don’t go, Josh, kiss me again, Josh. What was I supposed to do?”

Tyler physically recoils from his words, bumping into the counter and shooting a hand out to steady himself against it. “So, what, you took pity on me?”

“No, I was trying to comfort my friend, and I definitely didn’t go over there just so you could experiment with a guy!” Josh says, jabbing a finger toward Tyler’s chest.

“Well, I’m sorry that night was such an inconvenience for you. I guess you never stopped to think maybe you weren’t just—just an experiment to me!” Tyler shouts, clamping his hand over his mouth as soon as he says it.

Josh falters, dragging a hand through his hair. “Tyler—”

“Fuck you, Josh,” Tyler spits, shoving his way past Josh and out of the kitchen.

This time, Josh doesn’t follow him, and as sick to his stomach as it makes him, he almost feels grateful for it.

Tyler finds Jenna and Debby, congratulating them again and saying his goodbyes. He tells them he’s not feeling well when they ask about him leaving so early, which is true, but he’s not interested in talking right now. He promises Jenna he’ll call her later, and then he’s out the door and eventually back home, slumping back against the door.

He still feels sick by the time he crawls into bed, wishing he didn’t have to wake up in the morning.

˖.𖥔 ݁ ˖ ⊹ ࣪ ˖

Josh drives himself insane over the course of December.

Tyler ignores his every message, dodges him at every chance he gets, no matter what he does. He asks Jenna about him, but for all her updates, she can’t make Tyler talk to Josh. Debby lets him talk himself into just leaving it alone, letting Tyler respond when—if—he wants to, but hardly a day goes by before he cracks under his own rule.

It’s a miserable holiday season, possibly the worst Josh has ever gone through. He visits his family for Christmas, avoiding their questions about his love life like his life depends on it.

It’s during the week before New Year’s that Tyler finally picks up one of his calls. Josh hadn’t expected him to, and nearly falls from his seat on his counter when he hears Tyler’s voice.

“Hey, Josh,” Tyler says in his best attempt at indifference.

“Hey! Hi, hey, I—I didn’t know you were—that you were there,” Josh sputters, as if he doesn’t know Tyler well enough to know he was probably watching Josh’s call ring before he picked it up. “What’re you doing?”

“I was about to head out, actually,” Tyler says.

“Where?” Josh asks. Now that he’s faced with the chance he’s been chasing for weeks, he’s floundering, unsure how to go about it.

Tyler’s quiet for a moment. “What do you want, Josh?” he asks softly.

“Nothing, I—nothing,” Josh assures quickly. “I just—just wanted to say I’m sorry.”

“Okay,” Tyler says, slowly, his voice almost strangled.

It’s quiet again, and Josh feels like he’s drowning in the silence. In reality, it’s only a few seconds, but he’d have no trouble believing it lasts for hours.

“I have to go—” Tyler starts, finally breaking the air.

“Wait,” Josh interrupts, desperate to stay in this moment instead of going back to where he was, alone and aching for Tyler’s voice. “Are—are you going to Debby and Jenna’s for New Year’s? Because…’cause we always said, if we were alone for New Year’s, we could be together, and—”

“I can’t do this anymore, Josh,” Tyler cuts in. “I’m not your consolation prize.”

“Tyler—”

“Goodbye, Josh.”

He hangs up, leaving Josh in silence once again, staring at his phone screen well after it goes dark.

The next few days pass with nothing to say, only distinguished from each other because Josh knows he ends up asleep at night and awake in the morning. New Year’s Eve finds him alone in his apartment, skipping Debby and Jenna’s party under the weak excuse of not feeling well. In truth, he’d just wanted Tyler to be able to go and not have to deal with Josh.

Regardless, Josh is predictably miserable.

He ends up going for a walk, despite it being far too late, just to try and get his mind off Tyler.

This is fine, he thinks. He didn’t want to go to a party tonight, anyways, and he definitely didn’t want to embarrass himself by trying to get Tyler to talk to him again. It’s a nice night, for being in the middle of winter, and hardly anyone is out on the streets, so he can walk in peace. He needs the fresh air.

He hears laughter from the other side of the street, and looks up, seeing a couple walking the opposite way as him. The girl wraps her arms around the guy’s waist as they walk, leaning against him for support while she laughs again. He kisses her forehead, pulling her closer with an arm around her shoulder.

Josh realizes he’s stopped his own walking to watch them, and shakes his head, picking his pace up as if it’ll make the ache in his chest go away.

He wanders for a while longer, eventually heading back in the direction of his apartment, shoving his hands into his jacket pockets to try and combat the cold. He stops a few blocks away, sighing as he realizes he’s in the exact spot where Tyler had dropped him off when they’d first arrived in Columbus all those years ago.

There’s no real use holding back anymore, and the memory of that trip breaks through Josh’s mind, along with countless others from the time he’s known Tyler. He keeps circling back to when he’d told Tyler they couldn’t ever be friends, and Tyler’s words in response.

You were the only person I knew in Columbus.

It hits Josh all at once, with that one sentence, that Tyler has always been it for Josh. Through every year, through every relationship, through it all, Josh is suddenly sure that they have always been hurtling toward each other, and the notion of being separated any longer isn’t something he can even fathom anymore.

Josh is running before his mind catches up, down the sidewalk, his car long forgotten. It’s almost midnight, Tyler will be leaving Debby and Jenna’s soon, if he hasn’t already—what if he’s already left? crosses Josh’s mind, but he pushes the thought away as soon as he has it.

His legs are burning by the time he reaches Jenna and Debby’s building, and the elevator ride is the longest, most suffocating of his life, that he’s practically spilling out of the doors by the time they open again. He makes it into the apartment, garnering a few looks as he doubles over to catch his breath, but he ignores them in favor of searching the crowd.

Someone moves, walking away and revealing Tyler standing there, and Josh’s heart nearly stops at the sight.

Tyler has already spotted him by the time Josh finally sees him, eyes wide with something resembling fear, trying to mask his expression as Josh makes his way over to him.

Josh takes a deep breath when he stops in front of him, but he’s already talking before Tyler has a chance to. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, Tyler, and the things is, I love you.”

Tyler flinches, just subtle enough that Josh almost misses it. “What?”

“I love you,” Josh says again.

“Wh—what do you want me to say?” Tyler asks after a second, trying to keep his tone level, but everything else about him betrays that he’s anything but calm.

Josh pushes a hand through his hair, taking another deep breath. “How about you love me, too?”

“How about I’m leaving?” Tyler says, pushing Josh’s shoulder to get past him, a hand coming up to wipe his eyes when he thinks Josh can’t see his face.

Josh follows him before he can get more than a few steps away, reaching for his hand but withdrawing his own again quickly. “Doesn’t what I said mean anything to you?”

“I’m sorry, Josh,” Tyler says, just as the countdown begins around them, “I know it’s New Year’s Eve, I know you’re feeling lonely, but you can’t just show up here, tell me you love me, and think that makes everything okay. It doesn’t work like that.”

“Well, how does it work?” Josh presses, as the count reaches its end, ignoring the crowd’s cheering.

“I don’t—I don’t know, Josh, but not like this, not this way—”

“Then how about this way?” Josh does grab his hand this time when he turns away, spinning him back around to face him. “I love that you get cold when it’s seventy degrees out. I love that you always tell me how much you hate coffee whenever I have any, and I love that you always get hot chocolate instead every time we go out for it. I love that when you borrow one of my hoodies, it still smells like you after you give it back. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night, and the first person I want to talk to in the morning.”

He’s breathing hard again, but he pushes forward even as Tyler’s brows draw together. “It’s taken me eleven years to figure this out, and I didn’t come here tonight because I’m lonely, or because it’s New Year’s Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”

He stops, releasing Tyler’s hand and bracing for rejection, watching Tyler’s expressions shift between emotions. He smiles faintly, but it drops in an instant, and he brings a hand up to pull at his hair. “You see?” he says. “That’s just like you, Josh, you—you say things like that, and you make it impossible for me to hate you.” His voice raises at the end, and he lowers it before he speaks again. “And I—I hate you, Josh.”

He shakes his head, and Josh grins, taking his hand again. “I really hate you,” Tyler says, but he’s starting to smile, too. Josh reaches up with his other hand to cup Tyler’s jaw, bringing their foreheads together, and Tyler’s smile grows. “I hate you,” he whispers, his breath ghosting over Josh’s lips.

Josh closes the remaining distance, long after the moment for a midnight kiss has passed, dropping Tyler’s hand to pull him closer by his waist. Tyler wraps both of his arms around Josh’s neck, deepening the kiss by tilting his head. Josh feels him smile again against his lips, and when they finally break, Tyler goes back in immediately for another, this one shorter but still able to take Josh’s breath away.

He takes his hand off Tyler’s jaw to slide it around his waist, holding him in place while he presses a chaste kiss beneath Tyler’s ear. He tunes back into their surroundings, where the crowd has begun singing Auld Lang Syne, although they don’t seem to know the lyrics very well.

“What does this song mean?” Josh asks, leaning back to properly face Tyler and tilting his head. “I’ve heard this song my entire life, and I have no idea what it means.”

Tyler laughs, twisting a few of Josh’s curls around his fingers. “I don’t know, Josh, I don’t think anybody really does.” He laughs again, softer. “Anyway, it’s about old friends.”

Josh grins, kissing him again. As the chorus continues messily around them, he wonders why it took them so long to get here.