Archive of Our Own

Soft lips on hers, strong hands around her waist and up her spine through the fabric of her dress. Her own has found their places; one on the back of his neck and the other resting close to his heart where she always places it. Mouth opens to let him in, deepening the kiss. The scent of him around her, intoxicating and alluring. Her ragged breath, his low growl sending shivers through her while the drum of her heartbeat seems to set their pace faster, stronger - speeding up their actions and her panting. As she breaks for air he places kisses down her jaw and she hums in response.

The want spreads through her body, starting in her belly and going lower while igniting her movements and his like a dance they'd never practiced but intimately know. She pushes closer to him and his hand, so steady on her lower back, pulls her in even more to make her truly feel just how affected he too is by this heated tango.

She sighs against his ear and he moves back to her mouth, lips touching, soft teasing-

The bell that starts to toil outside is like a bucket of cold water being emptied at them, taking out the flame and leaving them cold. 

Kathryn can’t breathe, just looks up at Chakotay and quickly untangles.

She slowly meets his brown eyes, her arms around her trying to shield herself. Her heart still hammers in her chest but no longer of longing but of sudden loss and realization. The lust she harbored in her belly has quickly tied itself into a knot. She lets out a shaky breath.

“Oh shit,” is all she manages, while forcing herself not to cry.
“Kathryn I'm-” he starts.
“Don't!” She holds up a hand, forcing it to be steady. Forcing herself to steady. Trying to remove any memory her hands still hold of exploring him.

She meets his eyes, knows - prays - that she masks everything behind the Captain's persona.

“Well, we better get a grip of ourselves,” she says while straightening her dress out. She looks up and sees his eyes change, matching hers. Her Commander is back, whatever just happened is about to be stored away, just like it has to be in her. “After all, we have a wedding to go through with.”

.

It is a running joke in Starfleet; all the marriages that have happened throughout the stars when first contact hasn't just been about finding new worlds - but also ancient rituals and expectations. It isn't as common anymore, as Starfleet has gotten better at handling these situations but those first explorers did run into it quite often. Kathryn has heard that on the Enterprise, both Captain Pike and Commander Chin-Riley had to get married seven times. Captain Kirk and Spock only ended up in two. As far as Kathryn knows, Captain Picard and Commander Riker had none - but then she hasn't been allowed to access all the files regarding Q so there could be things she doesn't know.

She herself had hoped it would never happen but been aware that it might. The Delta Quadrant is truly very unexplored by Starfleet, after all.

Sure, she has once pretended that Tuvok was her boyfriend, but that was on a view-screen and had zero consequences. 

This, this...  is different.

This is dark eyes she can drown in and soft lips who says her name like a caress and a body she has longed to touch for years. 

And she just gave into it all. Just…  had it. For a moment. A moment that can never be again.

A moment she isn't sure she can recover from.

.

Walking out from the house they have been spending their night and morning in - Aostarian traditions don't involve bride and groom staying apart before the wedding - she can't help but to suppress an urge to be a runaway bride. 

Chakotay walks next to her. It's not noon yet, but the sun is up and the world is bright.

“Kathr-”
“No, I-”
“Captain, then,” she hears him hiss. “Let me know if you want us to turn back. We can still-”
“We can't, Commander. We need the supplies. The crew need their rest.” 

And I need to get this over with, she thinks. And get over it.

His hand suddenly on her hers stops her and she lets out a gasp as the pheromones still in their bodies send a spark through her. He senses it too and lets her go, but they don't move.

She finds that she can't look at him, instead her eyes settle on a tree just behind him. She knows her face looks harsh, disinterested. She has nothing to say to him. Doesn't know what to say.

Because what does one say after having just kissed the right man under the completely wrong circumstances? After realizing that things that were supposed to have faded and gone away, never have?

“Then we do this.” His voice brings her back to the moment. “No matter… everything,” he slightly moves his head to where they just came from, “we do this. And we handle the outcome. Of what just happened, and what's to come.”

She still doesn't look at him as she nods. Then they turn and continue their walk.

She manages a smile, eyes fixed on the ceremonial hall in front of them. 

Outside, ready to greet them, are the Aostarian delegates and part of her crew - Tom, Harry and Tuvok. Tom is grinning, playing all of this as a joke (and she is silently thankful for it, wishing truly that it was just a funny situation) while Harry looks like he would rather be anywhere but here. Tuvok… well, he looks stoic as ever but she has a feeling that he - as Vulcan as he is - is the one most picking up on her discomfort. He raises a questioning eyebrow, and she just shakes her head and smiles. She hopes it's convincing.

.

Kathryn had realized quite early in meeting the Aostarians that their culture was heavily influenced by the idea of partnership. As they had two suns and two moons their entire belief system was based on pairs. They had legends about how their planet had once been two, but that their strong love for each other had merged them into one.

This had spawned a culture where children had a best friend but as they entered adolescence were taught to reflect upon that friendship and what that could mean for what they wanted in their future spouse. It also meant that partnerships in business were held in very high regard and came with expectations and what to consider when entering into an agreement that were different from any culture Kathryn had ever heard about before.

It had been a stroke of luck for their trade agreement (but, Kathryn later reflected, less lucky for her personally) that Tuvok had been the first the Aostarian delegates had talked to about their cultures and views. They had been appalled to hear that Starfleet sent people out without their spouse and were completely heartbroken to hear that Tuvok was now separated from his wife. Tuvok managed to smooth this over and explained that his long life would allow him to see her again. Even if Tuvok didn't lie, he had somehow (probably with the help of Neelix) managed to convince them that Starfleet was not sending people away from their other half - but that he was of a species that they allowed to do so, since he lived so long. They also seemed content to hear of Vorik - whom they quickly assumed was Tuvok’s best friend and therefore Tuvok would have his other half at least somewhat represented by him.

The effect all of this had was however that suddenly everyone had to “pair up” in order to be a race that the Aostarians could even begin to consider trading with. 

She and Chakotay tried not to mind that they were now to be presented as a couple - but it quickly escalated when she found herself in a conversation with an Aostarian and couldn't tell about her and Chakotay’s wedding day. Realizing her mistake too late, she and Chakotay made sure to tell the man that they just hadn't had time to get married before being thrown into the Delta Quadrant - which unfortunately was why she now found herself in the Aostarian equivalent of a church about to marry Chakotay.

For their hosts this was the best way they could ever have imagined first contact to go.

For Kathryn, this was a nightmare dressed as a daydream.

.

Has he ever thought about kissing his Captain? Many times. Marry her? Maybe as a dream deep in his heart but never had he managed to entertain it as even a passing thought.

Yet here he find himself walking down an aisle next to her, music playing and guests gathered around them - joyous and anticipating.

Their hosts had been briefed on Earth cultures and had created what Chakotay must agree on was a perfect blend of their traditions. Any other day, he would have appreciated this immensely.

Today, he is thankful that he and Kathryn hadn't disclosed that he came from a culture different from hers. In this farce of a wedding there was none of his tribal customs incorporated.

As they had both realized that they would have to do this, they had had a highly uncomfortable and quick talk. He had told her briefly that he would appreciate it if his culture was kept out, and she agreed that there were things she didn't want in the wedding either. 

After the experience of the last day, he is thankful for it. He is left quite unbalanced, and he would rather have been given some time to just reflect on what has just transpired between them. But he knows he has to save it for later. Luckily, Aostarians have wedding celebrations the night before the wedding - not after. So once they are through with this, they can go back to Voyager.

To talk about this. Which, knowing their history, he is pretty certain they won’t. But that’s a problem for later, first he has to go through with a ceremony he is beginning to accept he one day wants to do for real, with the woman next to him - currently playing pretend just like him.

Chakotay knew he was a bit of a romantic, but maybe until now he hadn't even to himself reflected on how much. This whole thing had spiraled a little too fast and now - standing next to her dressed in a white dress with Harry, Tom and Tuvok gathered beside them - he suddenly feels what an awful mistake this is.

Weddings shouldn't be like this. Her wedding shouldn't be like this. After a dead fiancee and one left behind and whatever mess their relationship was - this simply isn't what Chakotay ever wanted for Kathryn.

Yet, he had to say - he would from now and forever know that he wanted her. And after that kiss…

His trail of thought is quickly interrupted as the Aostarian officiate steps up in front of them and both he and Kathryn turn to face him.

Kathryn's red hair is up, a small flowery crown on her head with the blue flowers matching her eyes. She is holding a bouquet with the same flowers.

She had opted for a simple white dress. Their witnesses were all of them in civilian festive clothes. He knew this had been her request, no Starfleet dress uniform.

He had accepted this, and not asked more about it.

Now, he silently wishes that he had. Wishes that they had spent more of yesterday actually talking, instead of creating a bigger mess between them, and more things they should talk about.

.

The celebrations yesterday had been both a festivity for their new partnership and the trades they had made - but it was also a pre-wedding celebration.

It had been a feast with many intricate and delicious meals, dancing and drinking. The Doctor had scanned everything and given appropriate recommendations. Everyone had a great time, and Chakotay has to say that it extended to him and the Captain too.

Still yesterday, this wedding had been able to be just a diplomatic thing for them both. A bit uncomfortable, but manageable. And the feast had been just a nice way to unwind and spend time with their crew.

They had both known that they, as betrothed, where to share a special drink and also to spend the night together. They had quickly talked about this, the Doctor had scanned the drink and told them that it contained some kind of pheromone but that a small drink shouldn't affect them too much. 

They had both just taken very little of the drink.

It had affected them a lot.

.

Their wedding day, as it has to somehow be called, is a beautiful day. The ceremonial hall is small and intimate and apart from her crew members as witnesses, there are around thirty or so Aostarians - mainly their trade representatives with families. All curious about this cultural exchange.

The ceremony in itself is small and quick. The officiate says his words - a mix of the Aostarian blessing and the Earth version - declaring them two parts of one, and also husband and wife. They both manage, luckily, to smile and laugh as they make their way out while Tom throws petals - and he is joined by Aostarians who find the tradition joyful and inspiring.

Standing outside in the sun, the whole thing being over, Kathryn can finally relax a little. Now, she has a crew to send on shore leave, an inventory to update and… a Commander she should talk to.

She will postpone that to until after she had had more coffee, and changed out of this dress.

It had been chosen because it meant nothing. White made her look extremely pale and for her it had always been something young women wore. Had she married Justin she might’ve worn one, but when she and Mark had discussed their - someday in the future - wedding, she had always known she would’ve worn her dress uniform. If nothing else then to at least honor the man who would've worn it to her wedding, hadn’t he too died on that cold planet - her father.

And so, for this pretend-wedding, she had been adamant that no one wore their uniforms. Instead, Tuvok had chosen a traditional Vulcan garb, Harry had shown up in very stylish Hanbok and Tom in a light colored suit, similar to Chakotay’s.

The suit he had worn this morning when she… well. Had continued doing what she had promised herself the night before that she wasn’t supposed to do again.

God, that drink and this whole charade had really opened a dam of actions and feelings that it would take time for her to put neatly back in. But she had to.

Luckily now, after the ceremony, the effects of the drink have seemed to wear off. She can stand close to Chakotay without that otherworldly pull. Doesn’t mean she isn’t feeling the effect of him.

However, there is work to be done.

Quickly focusing back on the Aostarian officiate who had come out of the hall to congratulate them, she manages to stop her reminiscing and the blush that threatens to wash over her from her memories of her actions.

They pose for photos and smile and thank their hosts so so much for this opportunity. Chakotay is near but their eyes don’t meet. She feels him searching for her, but she just simply can’t.

And then they make the call for the transporter, and beam back.

Materializing, Kathryn let's her smile drop.

As she leaves the transporter room she heads straight for her quarters and doesn't even glance at Chakotay.

So much for handling it well.

.

He isn't surprised.

Chakotay goes to his quarters and begins to undress. Of course she had just left him the moment they came aboard. And he lets her, as always.

Just like they always do, this is how they handle this thing between them. She sets the boundary, he respects it. Sometimes, he hates her walls. But he also understands them.

And it's not as if he's feeling okay with what he did, what this last day has done to them.

They have been close before. Tiptoed around their feelings - because he knows that she has them, although if they run as deep as his he doesn't know - but they don't act on them.

If he was any other man, he would challenge her idea about her Starfleet rules and how they don't apply here. How they weren't meant to be used for a journey that will probably have to be generational. No use in forbidding relationships if babies have to be born.

But he knows that the rules aren't just rules from an employer. They are her guiding principles, taught to her from her father, ingrained in her very being. He too knows what that is like. She might never call her principles spiritual, but he can’t view it in any other way. And that's why he would never force her, never cross that line.

Yes, more than once has he fantasized about halting a turbolift, or leaning closer when they're on her sofa after a shared meal or hell, even pushing her against the walls of her ready room and just kiss her senseless. Show her his feelings, and make her show hers.

But he is no such man. Or at least, he wasn't.

He wants to tell her he is sorry, but knows she won't listen, not now. She is probably blaming herself, the stubborn woman. 

They need a moment to breathe. He sure knows he does.

Sighing, he sits down on his sofa. He has taken off his pants and he unbuttons his shirt. Trails a finger over his heart, and can almost feel her hand there.

Feel her hand over his heart, her other at the nape of his neck and the smell, taste and sound of her as they kissed just mere hours ago.

My god, what a kiss. That, and the ones that came before.

.

For Chakotay, the effect of the ceremonial drink last night had been like a small buzzing in his veins and that whenever he looked at Kathryn - and he did so more and more - she began to stand out more in the crowd. He wanted to be near her, to touch her.

He had noticed that it seemed to have the same effect on her.

And she had seemed more relaxed, happier, and smiling. Or maybe his brain just enhanced those moments, and no one else noticed. But he did - he noticed her shoulder length hair radiating in the warm evening, lit up by the candle light and the Aostarians equivalent of fairy lights. He noticed her blue eyes glimmer when she met his.

He could’ve stayed there all night, but luckily not all his senses were affected. He managed to get them out of the festivities when her flirting with him had started to get more and more touchy-feely. Chakotay knew that if she had felt bad about her behavior during that Prixin celebration when she got intoxicated - he could only imagine how mortified she would be if she were to wake up and realize that she had been all over him in front of her crew and Aostarian dignitaries.

And well, he was starting to reciprocate in kind and that simply wouldn't do.

So to the sound of whooping and cheering they made their excuse to go back to their small cottage.

Already on their way back he had to force his hands to stay on her arm to stabilize her, rather than around her waist and those swaying hips. She was wearing a soft, blue dress, making his mind go back to New Earth and it helped him even less.

Once back to their little cottage - it was pretty much just one room and a bathroom, close to the ceremonial hall - they were both greeted by the sight of their wedding attire, prepared and hung up in the little room. It had sobered them both up, at least a little.

But they hadn't been able to relax, and Kathryn had begun to pace, twisting her hands and mumbling. 

“Kathryn, come sit down,” he had eventually managed. Rubbing her temples she finally obeyed.

“Chakotay I-” she starts as she sits down next to him on the sofa.
“I know, this is…”
“Insane.”
“We don't have to do it.” To this, she just sighs.
“Yes, we do. And it won't be too bad, will it?” She looks up at him and he is surprised at the… vulnerability he sees there.

“Kathryn… no, it won't be too bad.” He gives her a small smile, and she pats him on his thigh. The intention is probably to just acknowledge what he just said but holy hell it sends a jolt through him and he takes a sharp breath. She removes her hand quickly but the effect has gone straight up to his groin and he has to groan at the sudden lust that hits his entire body. She gives him an alarmed look and then her hand while a crimson blush spreads up from her cleavage, and is she heaving? Because he sure suddenly is.

“Chakotay?” She asks, at first surprising and then, “Chakotay?,”... inviting. 

And he can't help but to lean closer, while all he sees are blue eyes going dark and wanting as he reaches out and cups her cheek.

“Kathryn,” he finds himself whispering, suddenly so close and oh… she leans towards him, blue eyes bright but then she takes a small, shallow breath and instead she breaks their gaze, leans in and rests her head on his shoulder. Rests her weigh on him, her body pressing against his chest, finding comfort - but having her so near affects him, and it seems to affect her too. Her breathing slowly grows heavier, as does his, while his hand comes to rest on her lower back. Her lips touch, tentatively, just under his ear and then she makes every last bit of restraint he has crumble around him as she whispers his name. He gasps and his hand curls into a fist and he has to get himself under control but all he wants is to pull her close, so close. 

“Kathryn, we-”

“Can't, I know.” She pleads, by god she is pleading, pushing herself against him, her breath sending shivers down his spine and he has to get away because he can't resist this. He isn't this strong. And when she moves and looks him in the eyes and utters “but I want to” in a low husky voice all his barriers fall.

The kiss sets everything on fire, and heat consumes him as she explores and has her way with him. She opens her mouth and lets him in, just like he does her and there is such a need and want and breathlessness between them. She pushes her body closer and he moves her to sit in his lap, his back against the sofa and she pulls his shirt up and touches his skin and he's on fire, his hands coming up under her skirt and one goes up to the base of her back while the other is on her ass and oh she rolls her hips and plays with her tongue over his lips and whispers his name and it's all so so much it's actually…

Too much.

“Kathryn,” he heaves. “Kathryn-”
“Yes,” she moans and it takes everything he has to focus on what’s right.
“Stop, we have to-” 

It's like watching someone get out of a trance. She blinks and starts to untangle herself, both searching for a normal way to breathe.

“I'm sorry, I-” she excuses herself.
“That drink was… potent.” He gives her, while making sure she stays next to him. He doesn't want to let her go - both because it feels so good to have her near but also because he doesn't want her to hide. She always wants to hide.
“Chakotay I'm sorry I did that to you, I didn't-”
“Did that to me? I was a very willing participant, probably as equally a guilty instigator.” He tries to lighten the moment. 
“Ah yes,” she mumbles next to him. Her hand touches her lips, the other still holding his.
“Kathryn?” 
“Chakotay I… I want to… sleep.” She shuffles away from him, but still stays on the sofa.
“Are you ok?” 

.

Is she ok?

She doesn't know. And tonight probably isn't when she can figure it out. He's still too close and it's still too raw.

Did she just snake herself around him? Kiss him like her life depends on it? How is she ever to recover from this memory - as pheromone induced and a little hazy as it is - and just move forward?

She has dreamed of reasons for them to kiss. Yes, for reasons other than her own wants and needs and dreams. Because she has them, of course she does. And so far, she has managed to push it away and stop herself. Because she has to.

The deal she has with the universe is that if she follows the rules, they will come home. He most of all. Her wants and needs and fantasies can wait, can be sacrificed if they must be - as long as the universe gets their crew home.

And so she knows that it can never happen again. She knows she will have to see this as a mistake, a slip up. Yes, she was “under the influence” and if she had ever believed in a god she would use that excuse in her confession.

But she doesn’t, and instead the only one she can ask for forgiveness is the man next to her.

“I'm ok, Chakotay. But what I did was out of line.“ 

.

He hates this part. Hates when she retreats into herself, some shame or guilt falling like a curtain over her. He did this too! He wants to tell her, make her see their shared guilt in this. He might not, like she does, have a principle against this - but he knows she does and he never wants to violate her. Neither in body nor in spirit.

“Kathryn- “

She holds up a hand to stop him and… he stops. Her hand is so close suddenly and he wants to touch her, wants to intertwine his fingers with hers like they did so many years ago. He reaches out towards her hand, but quickly has to withdraw - and she does the same. It's obvious they can’t be near because they both gasp as he comes closer and really, really don’t need for them to get tangled up in each other again. Want to? Yes, very much. So, very very much.

She is beautiful, he thinks when his eyes meet hers. And it tugs at his heart, how he knows that this will never be real.

“You’re a great kisser,” is all he manages in the hazy state that he is in, breathing heavily and seeing the crimson spreading over her chest.

Slowly, she rises and he can’t fathom what strength it must take her to move out of this spell, putting distance between them.

She doesn’t look at him as she makes her way across the room, but her fingers play on her lips. He’s not even sure she registers the movement, but he does.

She leaves for the bathroom and he calms himself. When she comes back, he has already made himself comfortable on the sofa, and lets her have the bed.

As she gets in under the covers, he manages a goodnight, Kathryn and is given a goodnight in return. He tries to make the air feel less loaded, forcing himself to relax and not think about the woman sleeping bare meters away from him, and all the things he wants to do with her.

Eventually, they both fall asleep hoping that whatever was in that drink will have worn off by tomorrow.

.

It… hadn't.

Back in her quarters, stepping out of her shoes and about to take off her dress, Kathryn remembers getting up in the morning and beginning to put it on. She remembers realizing she needed help to fasten it in the back and Chakotay was, well, the only one there and so she had called him.

She realized her mistake too late. As he got closer, and the air around her got thicker.

Her heartbeat played like a drum in her chest, her breathing everything but controlled and the want and lust that spread through her body as he got nearer…

When his hands touched her it set her spine on fire. She had to gasp, and he… he trailed his hands down her sides, resting around her waist. She had to force herself not to moan from just this simple touch. Somewhere and somehow she found that she had leaned back into him, her body on fire, and found him placing kisses on the top of her head.

“Chakotay…” she managed, although very unsure if she wanted him to stop or continue.

It seemed to sober him up, however. 

“Sorry, I…” he mumbled, let her go and disappeared out of the small bathroom, and she had to steady herself not to faint.

Kathryn tried to collect herself. Beating heart and shaking hands weren't the best help when trying to don her hair and apply makeup. 

And then she'd stepped out of the bathroom and bumped right into Chakotay and her hands hadn't been able to let go and neither had his and she doesn’t know who pushed first but suddenly she found herself against him, his hands on her ass through her dress, his kisses hungry and wanting and then he pushed her against the wall and there was nowhere she could go but to give in and be held by him and oh-

Being kissed pushed up against a wall was now very high on her list of pleasant experiences.

They had managed to break it off this time too. 

Where yesterday's kiss had left her unbalanced but surprisingly ok with it being a “drunk mistake” this… this was in daylight. 

And she knew that she didn't manage to hide her shame as she looked at him while they slowly stepped away from each other.

The third kiss -  after the quick, silent breakfast they shared - is what undo her.

Why couldn't she just let it be? Let him be?

If coming back from New Earth had been hard, what strength did she have to find to come back from this?

.

Now back in her quarters, she runs a hand over her face and sighs. She has managed to unfasten the dress, somehow, and it's now on the floor.

She steps into her sonic shower. As she cleans away any memories of him on her body, her mind does everything it can to imprint it on her brain. 

How she had looked at him, standing by the window looking out at the guests that gathered. The sun lit up his features and it was as if two visions came before her at the same time - of him at New Earth a few years ago with the sun on his face, but also of him old and happy looking out a window in his home. Their home.

She wants so to share a home with him. A life that leads them both old and grey together.

Instead, all she had in front of her was a perilous journey that - gods be willing - at least let him grow old. But not with her, and not with the sun on his face.

It is what it has to be, and it was a strange realization to have just before she's about to be married to the man.

The bathrobe now tied around her, she sits down on her sofa. Outside shines the stars, and she lays down for a moment and let's herself just remember.

Remembering him as he turns, looks at her and gives her a small smile. Maybe he had heard her, noticed her standing there. Maybe it was the pheromones still in their bodies, even if they had begun to ebb out. 

Maybe she just used them as an excuse, because this time her feelings aren’t just of lust - this is her whole being that craves him.

And so she finds herself walking over to him, cupping his face and bringing him to her.

She kisses him, while dreaming of a future they could never have, trying to tell him something she might never be able to say with words and hoping that maybe some of it reaches him.

She kisses him while her hand rests on his heart.