Work Text:
Osamu isn't really sure how he ended up in a room at HQ, with Yuma, Midorikawa, Jin, and Tachikawa- four people that could replicate what hell would be like perfectly. However, he isn't given much time to ponder this, as chaos reins free in the room/prison that the five are in.
"-and then I chuck the cracker, and it hits him in the eye-"
"-YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE-"
"-this soda is blue, but it said it was grape-"
"-we're all going to hell, my side effect tells me so-"
At this everyone pauses, Tachikawa stops running, causing Jin to collide with him, Yuma and Midorikawa (or the power shrimp duo, as they're called by most of Border) look up from a careful examination of a blue grape soda. Osamu just sighs and hopes that this temporary peace will last a little longer—
"You tell the stupidest lies, Jin-san." Yuma said, and with that, all hell broke loose again. Jin tackles Tachikawa to the ground trying to get the bag of rice crackers that the No. 1 attacker was holding hostage, Shun continues his tale involving an enraged pigeon, a box of crackers, and an old man as Yuma holds the soda in the air, as though that would somehow make the blue change to purple. Osamu considers making a break for it, but Tachikawa and Jin are rolling around right in front of the door, and he doesn’t want to risk it.
"YOU ASSHOLE, GIVE MY RICE CRACKERS BACK!"
"NO—"
"—and then the pigeon flies at me, and I duck—"
"—what'll happen if I shake it—"
"Why am I even here?"
"—YOU SQUASHED THEM, YOU FUCKER—"
"IT WAS AN ACCIDENT—"
"Throw the soda at them, I want to finish my pigeon story but Jin-san and Tachikawa-san aren't listening-"
Before Osamu could move, Yuma obligingly walked over and poured his soda on the heads of his senpai, effectively stopping their rice-cracker-hostage-situation.
Then, before anyone else could react, Yuma turned and walked back to Shun, who nodded and continued rattling off his tale as Yuma read the ingredients on the grape soda can to ensure that, yes, he did indeed get grape soda, and not a new type that got mislabeled, while Shun describes in avid detail the look of desperation on the pigeon's face as it flew for the cracker. Osamu just sits on the ground awkwardly, watching the two couples and rapidly losing all his faith in humanity.
"Oh! Osamu-senpai!" Midorikawa suddenly yelled across the room out of the blue. "I forgot to mention that the pigeon had orange eyes! Not the usual yellowish-black ones! So if you see any orange-eyed pigeons in the future make sure to kick em and run!"
"Erm... okay?"
"Is grape soda supposed to have milk bread extract in it?"
"Ehhhhhhhhh? Really? Let me see!"
"Is milk bread extract even a thing?"
"—and then the old man yells—"
"Keiiiiiiiii! Give back my rice crackers!"
None of them seem to notice Osamu lying on the floor, eyes closed as he accepted his fate.
