Chapter Text
Hell wasn't all that different from Nevada Penitentiary, Joe Dalton thought, except for the blood-red sky and the fact that you were technically already dead. The four brothers sat on the dusty Pentagram City sidewalk, their skin ash-gray and small, curved goat horns protruding from their black hair.
"It's no use, Joe," Jack sighed, straightening his yellow-and-black striped jacket, now a rag. "We tried scaling the Pride Ring walls, we tried stealing a blimp from that snake with the Victorian accent... there's no getting out of here."
"Shut up!" Joe barked, his face turning a darker gray with rage. He remained short and stocky, but his horns seemed to be vibrating with nerves. "There must be a way. The Daltons don't stay locked up, not even by the Creator himself!"
Averell, who was trying to bite into a fire hydrant hoping it was made of licorice, pointed to a giant screen on a nearby skyscraper. "Hey, Joe, look! There's a cute blonde talking."
The Crazy Idea
On the screen, Charlie Morningstar was finishing his presentation for the Hazbin Hotel.
"...because every sinner can be rehabilitated! Redemption is possible, and the final destination is Heaven!"
Joe remained still. Heaven.
In his criminal mind, the words "Redemption" and "Heaven" instantly translated to: "Exit Cards" and "Beyond the Walls."
"Did you hear that?" Joe flashed a sinister smile, his outlaw mustache twitching. "That little princess says if you're good, they'll send you upstairs. And what's upstairs, William?"
"Heaven?" William replied doubtfully.
"No, you idiot! The exit! It's the greatest prison break in history! We'll infiltrate that hotel, pretend to be sorry, and get a ticket to the top floor. Once we're out of here, we'll find a way back to Earth or rob the angels' central bank!"
Arrival at the Hotel
Soon after, the four Daltons found themselves in front of the majestic and bizarre building of the Hazbin Hotel. Joe led the line, followed by a puzzled Jack and William, and Averell who was trying to figure out if the other guests' horns were edible.
They knocked on the door. Charlie opened it himself, his eyes shining with pure joy.
"Oh my! New guests! Vaggie, bring the register! Angel, stop bothering the bartender, we have customers!"
Charlie looked at the four gray men, with their identical mustaches (except Joe's) and goat horns. "Welcome! What drives you to seek redemption?"
Joe took off his cowboy hat with a flourish, trying to look as innocent as possible. "We're poor, repentant sinners, young lady. We've learned that stealing horses and robbing banks... well, that's not nice. We want to be little angels. Right, kids?"
"Yes, Joe... I'm very hungry, Joe," Averell replied, staring intently at the hotel key hanging around Charlie's neck.
Difficult Coexistence
The training for redemption turned out to be a nightmare.
Vaggie didn't trust them for a second, especially when she found William trying to measure the thickness of the hotel safe door.
Angel Dust tried to flirt with them, but Joe was too busy planning how to use Alastor's bottles to make Molotov cocktails.
Alastor, for his part, found the Daltons hilarious. "An escape from the dead? What a delightfully pointless concept! I like the little guy; he has such a... explosive temper!"
The Failed Plan
During a "trust" session led by Charlie, Joe whispered to the brothers, "Tonight, when everyone's asleep, we steal the soul registry and see if there's a stamp for Heaven."
"But Joe," Averell said too loudly, "the blonde girl said we have to be good at heart!"
"Shut up, Averell! We're the Daltons! We don't have a heart, we have a plan!"
Naturally, their attempt at "escape through redemption" was destined to end in chaos. Between Vaggie's traps and the sudden appearances of the Radio Demon, the Daltons were about to discover that escaping Hell was far more difficult than digging a tunnel under Daisy Town Penitentiary.