Archive of Our Own

Each year, on his birthday, Severus visited the graveyard.

It was a little out of the way for him, now that he was stationed at Hogwarts. Godric’s Hollow almost felt like a reprieve by comparison.

The snow was wet and cold underfoot, dampening the edges of his cloak. Wrought iron gates stood guard at the mouth of the cemetery. Severus spelled the gate open and stepped inside, pulling his cloak tighter around him.

Columns of gravestones lined their way up the cemetery, cracking and crumbling with age. Snow rested atop the stones and blanketed flowers left behind by mourners. Severus brought no flowers with him.

A willow in the centre of the field drooped over, leaves long lost to the unforgiving coldness of winter. Underneath the naked willow lay two graves, marked with a white marble tombstone. He read each name in turn, and the inscription underneath.

Upon reading it, the usual barrage of memories assaulted him.

“I didn’t take you for much of a party-goer, Sniv.” There was alcohol on Potter’s breath, he caught the flash of the flask peeking out the top of his breast pocket.

“If the Slug Club is what you Gryffindors constitute as a party, I feel sorry for the rest of your house.”

“What, we can’t keep up with Slytherin standards?” Potter’s eyes were wide and endearing, though Severus knew they were the lure preceding the jaws of the anglerfish.

“You’d be surprised.”

“Oh, would I?” What was he doing? He never entertained conversation with Severus, he was never away from his followers long enough. When he looked up, he met Sirius Black’s glaring gaze.

“I think your pet is looking for you.” Severus looked between James and Sirius.

James frowned slightly, momentarily marring his features. “Oh, right.”

As he began to leave, he hesitated. His shoulders seized as he breathed in, then he turned back just once. “Your hair looks nice.”

The compliment pierced his armour.

He was staring again. It was a phenomenon Severus wasn’t quite used to yet, receiving a look that caressed rather than cauterised. The looks followed him wherever he went; Hogsmeade, the Quidditch Pitch, the banks of the Black Lake.

It came to a head in the library. Severus slammed his book shut when he felt those eyes on him again. Potter had been pretending to browse the books, but his eyes kept sliding over to him.

Severus stalked over to James, who had hastily pulled a book and flipped it open.

“What are you doing?”

“Trying to find a book, before you interrupted me.”

“You know what I mean.”

James blinked. “Do I?”

“Why do you keep looking at me?”

At this, James smiled. It was a poisonous quirk of the lips. “Is looking at you a crime? You are very interesting to look at, you know.”

His cheeks burned. “Shut up, you insipid-“

“Learn to take a compliment, it’ll do you some good.”

“But why-“

Soft lips pressed against his, swallowing the rest of his sentence. Severus jerked back. His lips tingled. A flush bloomed across James’s cheeks as he looked back down at his mouth.

Severus slapped him as hard as he could. The impact rang out through the book stacks.

He fled before anyone could investigate the sound.

The stares continued, but James at least had the decency to look ashamed.

Severus lingered by the Quidditch Pitch Changing Rooms, waiting to accompany Nott back up to the castle after their crushing defeat from Gryffindor.

James sauntered out, hair still thoroughly tousled and face flushed from the wind. He halted once he saw Severus.

“Hey.” It was a hopeless word, an utterance that signified that, for once, James Potter actually had nothing to say to him.

Severus found he quite liked him this way.

There were hands in his hair and lips against his neck. Rough, scraping, bruising their way as far down as they could. Fingers worked at his tie, the cold night air slipped in underneath his shirt.

The moonlight shone down from above, but the trees overhead shielded them from the glow. What they were doing did not deserve to be graced by the light.

James shoved his shirt up over his head and threw it to the dirt below. He pinned Severus’ wrists above his head then leaned down to run the flat of his tongue over his nipple.

Severus’ head lolled to the side as a wanton sound escaped from his lips.

James breathed against him, “So pretty.”

“You’re going to ignore me?” James chased after him.

“How is this any different from how I’ve treated you for the past seven years?”

James grabbed his shoulder, halting him. The corridor was deserted, but he kept his voice low. “You know it’s different.”

Severus scoffed. “What, you want me to hold your hand, prance around with you like a couple of fairies?”

“That’s not what I’m saying-“

“It is-”

“Merlin, what is wrong with you?”

“You know exactly what is wrong with me.”

James crowded him, pressing him into the wall and kissed him deeply.

“How can this be wrong?”

They met up all year long, but James always wanted more. Severus was already giving him everything he could.

“There are…expectations?” Severus asked.

“Yes. A pureblood son is expected to carry on the family name-“

“Oh, like you care about any of that shit.”

“Severus, don’t make this harder than it needs to be.”

“You’ll never be happy, you know that? You’ll be lucky if you can even get it up for a Witch.”

“So I should stay with you? You don’t even look at me when we’re around other people. Merlin, Severus, I can’t figure you out. Do you want me or not?”

“Does that even matter anymore?”

Silence. A heavy sigh. “I guess not.”

It was winter again, but the burn of the Dark Mark kept Severus warm.

“Lily?” How did she find him? What was she doing on his doorstep?

“I- hi.” It was the most they had spoken to each other in three years.

“Hi,” he breathed, scared saying anything more may spook her.

“I just- I wanted to deliver this to you in person so there’s no confusion.” She extended an envelope.

“What is this?” He asked softly.

He pulled the letter from the envelope and opened it.

‘With joyful hearts, Lily Evans and James Potter cordially invite you-‘

Severus folded the letter. “You’re getting married.”

Lily beamed. “Isn’t it wonderful?”

“It’s- I’m happy for you, Lily. I truly am.”

“I know you and I… and you and James have had your differences, but we wouldn’t be together without you, I have you to thank.”

His heart thudded. “What do you mean?”

Lily furrowed her brow. “James told me what you did. You gave your blessing, you forgave him for all your disagreements back at Hogwarts. I never would have agreed to go out with him while he was still terrorising you, even when we weren’t talking. It’s not right. It’s so nice that you forgave him.”

Severus ground his teeth and fought to not clench his fist, only to avoid crumpling Lily’s lovely invitation. “Well, what are friends for?”

The wedding was a grand affair. James didn’t look his way once. Not until the very end, as Severus congratulated the two and bid them a long, happy marriage. James shook his hand, his fingers grazed his palm as they slid past.

A loud knock cut through the torrential downpour. James waited outside, shivering and soaked through when Severus finally got to his door.

“She’s pregnant.”

The rain continued. Severus should have pushed him back into it. Sent him on his way.

“Do you want to come in?”

There were fingers in his hair, tracking familiar paths along Severus’s scalp and down his neck. Those same fingers gripped his hips roughly as he slammed into him, not for the first time that week. They found their old rhythms quickly.

“How far along are you?” Severus asked. The words were bile in his mouth.

“Four months, can you believe it? I think I look bigger.”

“You look lovely.”

He still was truly happy for her. Some fucking friend he was.

James traced his fingers along his jaw, sliding his hand up to cradle his face. The fireplace cast the room in a deep, amber hue. As it crackled, the light flickered over their bodies.

“How was your day?”

“How mundane. You want to play domestic with me?” Go home to your wife.

James was on his knees in front of him, looking up with those big, brown eyes, mouth stuffed with his cock. He had a vice grip on Severus’ thin legs, refusing to let him pull away. Severus threaded his fingers through his hair, and imagined receiving this pleasure every day for the rest of his life.

Later that night, his face was pressed down into a pillow, and he found he was equally as happy.

Lily was in tears. Heavily pregnant, her emotions were already at an all time high. Her train of thought did her no favours. “I think James is having an affair.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Look at me!” She yelled, gesturing at her body. She was the most beautiful person he’d ever seen.

Severus hated himself.

He squeezed her arms. “That’s ridiculous. He loves you.”

She sniffled. “Are you sure?”

Severus smiled. He would burn for this, one day. “Of course I am.”

“I think I love you.”

Severus froze. He surely couldn’t mean that.

“You don’t have to say it back. I just need you to know.”

Severus kissed him, and James whispered that little three-word phrase in his ear over and over as he slowly thrusted into him.

You could see the shimmer of the glamour on Severus’ arm if you squinted just right.

Severus came clean. He had no choice.

He showed him the mark.

James left without a word.

He received an invitation from Lily to meet baby Harry. He politely declined, claiming he was too busy at work, but he promised to meet him when she was home from the hospital.

He didn’t visit her again.

Two weeks after the birth of his son, James was on his doorstep.

He said nothing, he just tore Severus’ clothes off and fucked him brutally.

Lily’s letters grew desperate, and Severus’ excuses were running out.

James made him bleed. He didn’t mind, he was happy he was still here.

Weeks would go by in solitary silence. Severus waited by the door some nights, praying that James would show up. He’d done this to himself, really. He deserved this.

When James was finished, he never stayed. Never caressed his face. Never held him close to keep them warm.

“I love you.”

“You disgust me.”

He defected. He would only last so long in their world anyways. This was bound to happen.

But he had signed James and Lily’s fate in the process. Now he wouldn’t see them until this whole thing blew over.

It was his fault.

He deserved this.

Not them.

James’s eyes were glassed over. Severus couldn’t bring himself to touch him. Maybe Lily was still alive. Maybe.

When he reached the destroyed bedroom, he sank to the floor.

There was a wreath by the foot of the gravestone, rotting in the weeks since Christmas. He spelled it away.

The wind picked up, cutting through him to the bone. It was still warmer than the Headmaster’s office. That cold room waited for him when he returned.

He took one last look at the gravestones, soaking them in. He had a feeling he wouldn’t see them again for a long, long time.