Work Text:
*Buzzfeed theme music plays*
He-hello, everyone. Uh, I’m, uh, Adam Frankenstein and uh, I’ve been summoned here by Buzzfeed today to read some…Thirst…Tweets? I must admit I don’t really understand what they are, or why they’re about me, but here I am. I’ll give it a try. I’m told I can’t read the names out. Probably for the best.
I…suppose I’ll jump straight in, shall I? Very well.
*rustles through bucket*
Hm. I…oh my.
*swallows nervously*
“Adam Frankenstein is so damn foine, let me ride that zombie dick plsssss.”
Uh. I don’t know what a foine or a plsssss is, but thank you…
On to the next.
“We know that Adam Frankenstein read Paradise Lost. Adam, you can find Paradise again right here. In this pussy. Send Tweet. And nudes.”
Well. Thank you. I. Ahem. I shall keep that in mind. That’s very hospitable of you.
“Get you a man who looks at you the way Adam Frankenstein looks at a bookshelf. *Siiiiigh* bookish men are soooo hot.”
Oh, that’s so kind! I do love books, it’s true. They’re a door to another world, I think.
"Things Adam Frankenstein can smash: Arctic ice sheets. Victor's furniture. Danish sailors. Me."
I'm not sure I understand that one. Why would I smash you? Does that mean something I don't know about?
*muffled explanation from behind the camera*
Ohhhhhh. Oh. I see. Thank you for explaining.
Well. Uh.
“No but hear me out…the amount of money I would pay to cup Adam Frankenstein’s balls. Just for 30 seconds.”
*long silence*
Th-that’s…surely there are better uses for your hard-earned money. I appreciate the compliment, of course, but…
Goodness. These tweets are very…uh. Hopefully the next one won’t make me want to disappear into the floor.
“I would let Adam Frankenstein plow me so hard it broke me apart, then let his deadbeat dad put me back together. Your companion’s right here, you giant undead snacc.”
*blinks at Tweet*
It seems I spoke too soon. Why did I agree to this?
Oh, this next one’s polite. That's a relief.
“Adam Frankenstein, are you free for lunch on Thursday?”
I’m free every day. Was that a general question about my life or are you asking me on a date? I don’t know. No-one has ever done that before. Yes? How does this all work?
*blushes deeply, looks at camera crew for help*
Well. That’s all for today. Thank you to Buzzfeed, and to my, uh, enthusiastic fans. It’s been very educational. I have learned that I can, in fact, die. Of embarrassment. And that there are things that can make me wish I’d never learned to read. This was more excruciating than waking up in sub-zero water in the North Pole. I am grateful and very flattered, but I have this sole petition…please don’t ever ask me to do this again.