Chapter Text
Waking in the cold weather of the unknown makes it hard.
He’s barely an adult yet too big to be protected by others. He can’t grow up yet, but was still forced into the world when he barely knew how to take care of himself.
He was protected. He didn't have to go through hunger or cold. He always had what he wanted on his table or in his hands. He never had to complain about missing something. He had everything, yet still was lost, yet still he felt empty.
Lately, there has been more wind on the streets of London. Streets were full of people, cigarettes, kisses, laughs, and cries. He could hear the sound of the people talking through his headphones. He wishes it would stop.
If you asked Chuuya 5 years ago where he would imagine himself, he would have answered calmer and warmer.
It's still crazy how, for him, someone can change your whole life.
Walking with no direction, cause for Chuuya, his life has no path.
He saw how the tree leaves flew across his eyes, just like they did that Autumn, that autumn where everything started. He looked at the leaves, and he could see himself back in his old room.
Back in his old room, he had his long, wavy hair. Curtains closed, clothes on the floor. Computer opened, game opened. Just a late night, two souls laughing, and then, a kiss. A kiss it could he heard through his headphones. He wished it would never stop. A kiss it really never touched his lips.
Because it's weird how, without ever seeing each other's faces, he felt he knew him all his life. The autumn leaves were falling behind, and they were together.
Being locked down because of a virus made him explore a world he would have never imagined, but he was thankful.
He had been sitting on a bench, watching how all the people walked in their directions. He was sitting without a direction.
But then, something caught his eye.
There are 9 million people in London.
There are 8 billion people in the world.
Yet one has those hazel eyes, that little smile, and beautiful hair.
Yet one had his name tattooed on his chest.
If there's something Chuuya will never forget, it's the 10 months that felt like a decade. He will never forget the long kisses he never truly received; he will never forget the real love he ever received.
If there's something Chuuya will never forget, is how Osamu Dazai looked.
And something he could never believe, is that he's seeing him right now.
Those hazel eyes, that if you looked directly for a while could see a rubish-red. The brown waves that Chuuya had seen gone through a million cuts in a short spawn of time.
But as “he” turned his face, it was just the memories that come.
Foolish of him to think he was there, in the other side of the world.
But still, he couldn’t help to fall in love again, with the idea of him.
Maybe it was the harsh breakups that followed, that always made him mourn the absence of a presence that had never truly been there.
Maybe it was the grief for a life he almost lived—one he kept building in his head only to destroy with his own hands.
Chuuya had learned that longing could feel heavier than love itself. That missing someone could hurt more than losing them.
He wondered if one day the memories would finally fade, if the sound of that voice would stop replaying in his head every autumn, every cold morning, every moment he felt alone in a city too big for his heart.
But some loves do not disappear. They don’t end—they linger.
And Chuuya carried him like that: not as a man, not as a lover, but as a memory he was still mourning.
But if he ever saw him again, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from falling in love.