Chapter Text
“Time,” Wind whispered, eyes wide. “pick me up, I’m scared.”
“I know, son.” Time said and scooped him up in one fluid motion. “I am too.”
“He’s just standing there.” Legend hugged Time’s side.
“Menacingly.” Hyrule agreed, huddled near his predecessor.
“Is there anything we can do?” Twilight asked with a hint of hopelessness in his voice.
“I don’t think there’s a cure for this.” Sky disagreed, eyes haunted, huddled in a ball.
“Four are you okay?” Wild inquired.
Four, hands to his ears cried out. “Do you think I’m okay? I’m suffering EMOTIONAL DAMAGE!”
In front of them was a truly ghastly sight. Warriors staring at a rubix cube and smiling. Now you might ask, and rather reasonably, why this group of divinely appointed heroes were laid low by such a sight. The answer is simple.
“Why! It’s unsolved! Can he not feel the screaming in his soul? The burning desire to make something broken whole again?” Legend cried desperately.
“Nah, not really.”
Time jumped. Behind him, Warriors stood with his same charming smile. He knew now it was that of a liar. Even from this distance Time could see the burning of cities and the massacre of thousands in Warriors’ eyes. Someone screamed in terror. Time didn’t know who. He was too desperately trying not to whimper in fright of this horrifying creature in front of them. A Link not based around puzzle solving and adventuring, it was unthinkable.
“Cub no! What are you doing?” Twilight cried.
Wild had left his mentor’s side and was approaching their once brother.
“Someone stop him!” Sky wailed. “He’s too young to die!”
Wild’s head turned around lazily. Despite Twilight’s alternate form Time had never seen anyone look quite so wolfish in their grin. “I’m a hundred and twenty.”
“He’s actually going to do it.” Wind whispered in disbelief. “That sick bastard is actually going to do it.”
“May the lord be with him.” Hyrule prayed.
All of the heroes watched in horrified fascination as Wild held out a hand. “It’s alright. I understand you.”
“You do?” For the first time since they’d stumbled across the rubix cube, Warriors startled was left flatfooted.
“Yes.” Wild said. A patient, gentle and genuine smile on his face. “My game-”
Hidemaro Fujibayashi coughed and tapped the massive card he had.
“Sorry, my games,” Wild apologized and magically shifted outfits to his off the shoulder look. “Changed the Zelda formula forever.”
“But you’re canon.” Warriors sniffled, well and truly defeated. “I’m just from a spinoff title.”
“That’s not so bad, I mean Twilight is also got his whole Link’s Crossbow Training th-”
“On the WiiU!” Warriors interrupted, tears in his eyes.
Wild winced. “Okay, that’s pretty bad. But at least you have a switch port.”
“It’s just not fair.” Wind shook his head as Twilight patted his shoulder in a futile attempt at comfort. Time honestly wished he could relate but he was too popular for that sort of thing to ever happen. It truly was a unique and terrible curse being too awesome. But that didn’t answer why Sky and Legend were suddenly so quiet. Suspicious.
“No it's not!” Legend defended, defensively.
Huh, had Time said that out loud? Oops.
“Anyway the point I’m trying to make.” Wild said, now with the wisdom of an implied 126er instead of his merely 120er level of experience.
“Lies.” Twilight rather rudely interrupted the narrator. “He’s now 9 years old, at most.”
“Hey.” Time mused. “That’s the age I was when I started my first game.”
The narrator glared at Time for this foul disruption and left. Whatever happened in these next ten minutes will be left an internal mystery as the narrator left to make sure all busing issues were sorted.
“Where are we anyway?” Wind looked around. “I think I'd remember blank void if-”
“Hey guys.” A familiar voice called and accidentally interrupted. “Sorry I’m late.”
“No way.” Four breathed, voice strangely discordant.
It was Wild, if Wild was a sixteen to seventeen year old knight in gleaming armour and without his patent pending scarring and disquieting aura of death.
“Hey me.” Wild said. “How’ve you been? You saw my text right?”
“Yes. Everything is how you described.”
“Golly, we’re here too!” A voice said, so grating on the ears it was best left forgotten and left to rot.
Sky’s eyes widened in realization “Don’t tell me…”
“Well EEEEEEXXXCUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSEEEEE ME.” The Link from the Television show said, the Cd-i Link beside him.
Sky rose to his feet. “I knew it.” He brandished the Master Sword. “I have already driven you all back before. Don’t underestimate me, I have the power of HYLIA AND ANIME ON MY SIDE!” Sky then let out a surprisingly high pitched squeal and charged.
“You’re like me.” Warriors said as the hero of the era of the second great Calamity nodded.
“I am in fact your successor. Your games and that of my other selves were so popular that I was able to be created.”
“Dude.” Wild said. “You can drop the formal talk. I know you want to make a good first impression but you were both common soldiers at some point.”
“Truly?” Age asked Warriors. “My other self isn’t just pulling my leg.”
“Hehe, nope. Only thing special about me was the triforce of courage. Without it I’d just be your average joe. Hell, I was a rainbow before everything.”
“So you’re just a geardo with a lot of chest candy?”
Warriors winced, and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “Basically.”
Wild watched in horrified fascination as they devolved into increasingly vulgar language, he didn’t remember half those words. Not even Wind or Legend had used them before. Speaking of Wind he was now the center of attention.
“Wind, what have you got in your mouth?” Time demanded.
Wind shook his head instead of responding.
“Spit it out right now! C’mon spit it out!”
Without waiting another second, as the big brother to roughly five kids he knew what was going to happen next if he didn’t move fast, Twilight smacked Wind harshly on the back.
The average person, not in charge of herding monster goats or processing the hero’s spirit, would be left in the Family guy death pose after such a shove. Now, dear viewers, you might be concerned for young Wind given he does not herd goats or possess the hero spirit but thankfully he has something even better. Cartoonism, the ultimate defense for all blunt force damage (buy now at Ravio’s rentals).
Still, despite the harsh method, Twilight got what he wanted. Wind spat out another hero, exactly like himself apart from the engineering uniform and brown eyes. The other hero hissed like a cat and ran away on all fours out into the undefined distance.
Wind groaned. “Great, I’ll never catch him again. Thanks a lot guys.”
“Wind. We do not eat our other heroes here.” Time said sternly.
“But Legend and Four did it.”
“WHAT!” Time and Twilight as hoped, turned their attention elsewhere.
Legend, as I'm sure you all know, is an experienced adventurer. The most battle hardened and ventured of the Links by a significant margin. The one Nayru, the oracle of ages, had called the greatest of all heroes. So naturally, he turned tail and ran. He wasn’t meeting his end today, no thank you.
“LEGEND!”
Sky was the only one of the Links present too occupied to watch the spectacle. He breathed hard, stamina meter a second from refilling. In front of him stood the break in the fourth wall. The plethora of non canon Links hissed and howled, a never ending tide of ripoffs.They screamed.
Sky screamed louder to show dominance.
Four meanwhile hummed to himself as he collected various bits of reality. Hyrule trailed along behind him holding extra bits with his magic and both occasionally fought off non canon versions of themselves who wanted to continue existing in this broken distorted vision of a story.
Eventually they’d gathered enough and, after a solid entertaining minute of watching Wolfie and Time with a bunny hood try to chase down Legend with Time shouting, “Why are you running!” at increasing volumes they made it to the break.
The process of patching the break was surprisingly smooth. Links were still Links at the end of the day and never wanted to get in the way of a problem being solved. Only cause those problems in the first place.
“Oh, sorry,” Age said. “It looks like this area’s becoming a demilitarized zone. Which means I’ve got to get going.”
“See you later.” Another who’d been completely silent until now said, bopping to an invisible beat.
Age gave him an unimpressed look and grabbed the mysterious hero, called Cadence, by the hat. “Ow, ow, ow, ow.” Cadence said in perfect 4/4 time. “You can’t do this! My canon is kept ambiguous!”
“Butter up Buttercup.” Age said in perfect deadpan.
Warriors sighed, a single tear leaking from one eye. “Farewell brother in arms, I will never forget you!”
Age waved before vanishing into the pile of Links.
“Blegh.” Legend said, throwing up three color coded links who stacked on top of each other in a totem and tottered off into the distance with a simultaneous astrocratic scoff. “Happy now?”
“Quite.” Time said. “Thank you for your cooperation.” He took off the bunny hood and began walking rather calmly back to the others.
“Time, don’t you get the feeling we’re forgetting something?” Twilight asked, shifting back into Hylian form and jogging to get into step with him.
“If we forgot it, it can’t be that important.”
“Yeah, you’re right.”
As soon as they were out of sight Legend smirked. They may have taken Triforce heroes from him but he was still the hero of A Link Between Worlds.
Legend rose and whispered to himself. “I still got it.”
Soon enough all of the heroes were gathered in front of the break as Four hammered out the last few interviews.
Then they waited. And waited.
Four frowned. “That’s odd, usually the wall would repair itself by now.”
“Unless…” Hyrule’s eyes drifted to the thing that’d started this whole mess. “No part of the underworld is complete without a servant of Ganon.”
The incomplete rubix cube began to cackle and rise into the air. “Fools! It was I, the children’s puzzle all along.”
“That was the aura we were sensing?” Wind shouted incredulously.
“I thought I saw the conquest of empires.” Time mumbled.
“That’s just the Dynasty Warriors in me.” Warriors said, “perfectly normal and healthy for someone of my sub-genre.”
“How did we never notice?” Hyrule asked.
Four gestured to the stapled on fourth wall patch.
“Ah. Nevermind, stupid question.”
“Enough!” The cube shouted. It hovered above all Links, so roughly six feet above the ground. “Let me monologue!” The cube cleared its throat. “Now where was I?”
“Children’s puzzle.” Wild supplied.
“Ah yes. It was I, the children’s puzzle all along! You see, before you lot, I was the most popular entertainment for young minds. Those of my kind and I reigned supreme over the entertainment industry. Then something changed, as years progressed a new form of media emerged. The video game and who was at the front of the charge but you. The Legend of Zelda-”
“We’re not named Zelda.” All the Links said in unison.
“Let me finish!” The cube bellowed. “Ahem. The Legend of Zelda, a game where the world was brought to you instead of the other way around. How could we hope to compete? Then it hit me. I simply needed to destroy everything!”
“You monster!” Warriors yelled, brandishing his sword. “I’ll strike you down!”
The cube cackled as the swipes bounced off harmlessly. “You fool! An intellectual item such as myself cannot be beaten with violence!”
“But…” Warriors said sadly. “That’s what I’m good at.”
“Come on man!” Legend yelled. “You can do it! Learn the new mechanic!”
“Or…” Warriors said slowly, the burning and screaming in his eyes increased in intensity. “I could cheese it.”
“What are you planning to do? Flip the world over?” The cube taunted.
“Yes.”
“Wait what-!”
Warriors pulled out a pair of golden gauntlets and a chain chomp.
“Where did he get that?” Wind asked, pointing. “Those are Mario's enemies.”
“Bow Wow?” Legend whispered, tears in his eyes, one slowly and cinematically fell down his cheek.
Bow Wow barked, fine coat sparkling in the sun.
Warriors smiled and smashed Bow Wow’s face into the ground and proceeded to flip the world over. Everyone screamed as everything was twisted over onto itself. When the dust settled the gauntlets had mysteriously disappeared and the rubix cube was pinned under Warriors’ foot.
“Woah man, we can talk about this right?” The cube laughed nervously.
“Long live the Queen.” Warriors crushed the cube under his boot. Then the Links spent the next couple of hours using Wild’s new ultrahand ability and the natural, magical, luck of kinstones to put the cube back together, this time solved.
The cube began to glow and, when the glow faded, everything was restored. Or rather there was nothing to restore as they’d been in the nursery the entire time.
“Thank you for looking after our darling Zelda.” The Queen, who also happened to be named Zelda, said.
“Its no trouble.” Time said, “She’s been a delight.”
Princess Zelda babbled and chewed on the tail of her stuffed Dodongo.
“No you don’t.” Wind said, offering her a bit of hardtack he’d snagged from the Captain a couple months ago. “Here, chew on this instead.”
Luckily, instead of getting upset she accepted the tribute, drooling all over it.
The Queen giggled. Another happy ending for everyone.