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“It’s fine, Yosuke, really.” Souji gave a soft smile, one that Yosuke almost hated. If Souji would frown, or look annoyed, that would at least be something; as it was, the silver-haired leader was almost inhumanly patient, and it made Yosuke feel so guilty. After all, he loved Souji, didn’t he? He was pretty sure - between anxiety attacks - that he did. And he knew nobody would judge; after all, Kanji was one of their closest friends, and as far as anyone knew, he was still trying to figure out his own orientation.
But no, the slightest thought of letting anyone - even the group, their closest friends - know that they were dating sent Yosuke into a panic attack. Souji understood, he knew, but he also knew that there had to be an end to the patience somewhere, and Souji was so kind that who knew? Maybe he was already tired of Yosuke, but was just hiding it because he didn’t want to be a dick.
A dick like me, who’s so ashamed he can’t even hold hands.
It was enough to make Yosuke wish he’d just ignored his stupid maybe-kinda-sorta crush and never said yes to Souji. The thrill he’d felt when his best friend and partner confessed to him on the school trip to the city had been eclipsed a thousand times by anxiety attacks, and at times like these, Yosuke wasn’t even sure why he was still in the relationship (which was, by the way, a few weeks old.) Sure, the makeout sessions were nice, but as soon as Souji so much as touched his waist or hips - even to shift position or rest his hands - Yosuke would start to hyperventilate. Even knowing that Souji was willing to wait as long as he needed to for... well, for pretty much everything didn't help, it just made the brunette feel guilty.
Ugh. I wish this had never happened. Life would be a hell of a lot easier to deal with.
A sick feeling in his stomach, he returned Souji’s goodnight kiss reluctantly; they’d been in his room, as the only time he would allow himself to relax around Souji and act like they were dating was when he was 100% sure that no one was in the house, or would be all evening. He wouldn’t even do it at Souji’s house - after all, he had no way of predicting when Dojima-san would get home, or if Nanako would come upstairs. Nevermind that no one ever went into Souji’s room without knocking - just the thought made him shake.
“Good night, Yosuke.” Souji gave him another gentle smile, and for the first time that evening, Yosuke remembered why he was okay with dating Souji - because when he wasn’t in a panic attack, Souji’s smiles made his fingers and toes tingle and they promised him magic whenever he was finally able to get past his hangups.
Maybe someday.
He went to sleep, feeling like shit, as soon as Souji left; he was wakened by his phone going off and when he blinked blearily at the display, he saw that it was only a few hours later, and that Chie was calling him.
“What the hell, Chie-” He’d started to talk as soon as he flipped the phone open, but her frantic voice cut him off.
“Shut up! Souji was in an accident!”
Suddenly, he was no longer half-asleep; an icy lump formed in his stomach as he gripped the phone. “What the hell? What happened? Is he okay? Where is he?”
“He’s at the hospital, I’m on my way over. Apparently he was walking through the shopping district when a car - speeding, I guess - turned a corner too sharply and hit him. It was a hit and run, but Rise was just closing up shop and she saw it happen. She called the paramedics and then called me; I’ve been letting everybody know. She hasn’t left his side since it happened. From what I hear, he’s still unconscious, although they think he’ll be okay.”
Rise. The red-haired idol was head-over-heels in love with Souji and while she didn’t know that he and Yosuke were dating, the brunette was pretty sure that she knew something was up, even if it was just that Souji had a thing for him. Which is probably why she didn’t call me. He sighed. Souji had assured him more than once that he just wasn’t interested in Rise, but it didn’t stop Yosuke from thinking, from time to time, that she’d probably be better suited for his partner - even if he didn’t want to give Souji up to her.
That wasn’t important right now - Souji was what was important. “I’m on my way,” he told Chie, already grabbing clothes out of his closet. He threw them on as quickly as he could, ran downstairs, and grabbed his scooter, heading for the hospital.
When he got there, Chie and Yukiko were just arriving; Rise was pacing the hallway, hands clenched, tear streaks on her face. “They kicked me out,” she fumed. “They said he needs to rest, and that we can see him whenever he’s conscious again.”
It was already midnight, but they settled into the waiting room - barely talking, everyone was so worried about their friend and leader - and the nurses let them stay. Once by one they dropped off - Chie’s head on Yukiko’s shoulder, the two asleep on one of the couches, Kanji curled up in a chair by the door; eventually, it was just Rise and Yosuke awake.
Rise kept sniffling, and Yosuke - who liked her, he just didn’t like that she liked Souji - patted her hand. “He’ll be fine,” he said, his voice a bit choked.
“Th-thanks, Yosuke-senpai.” She rubbed her eyes. “I don’t want to lose him…”
I don’t, either. It was a sobering thought, and suddenly he felt that much guiltier about how much he’d been putting Souji through. Suddenly, he saw their relationship in a new light; taking a deep breath, he resolved to have a long talk with Souji once the silver-haired boy was awake. I owe him so much… I want to know what he wants. And we’ll… maybe we’ll tell the others.
It was a big step, but Yosuke was willing to do it. Almost losing the person you cared about made a big difference.
A few hours later, Yosuke - who’d fallen asleep, as had Rise - was wakened by a nurse coming in. “Mr. Seta is awake. You can all see him for ten minutes before going home.”
Within seconds, everyone was on their feet; Rise was the first out of the waiting area, quickly followed by Yosuke; they burst into the room.
“Souji-senpai!”
“Partner!”
Souji - who had a bandage around his head and several on his arms - looked up and blinked, looking shocked.
“R-rise? What the- what happened? When did you find her? Did you guys go in without me?”
Everyone was in the room now, and they all looked at each other.
“Uh, partner? Rise has been part of the group for, like… two months now.” Yosuke walked over to the side of the bed. “What was the last thing you remember?”
Looking confused, Souji scrunched his forehead. “I- don’t remember? I just… Rise was missing, and we were looking for information… beyond that, though, everything’s fuzzy.”
Just then, the nurse bustled in. “You need to take some pain killers, Mr. Seta. Your friends can stay for five minutes, then I’ll have to ask everyone to leave.”
“Uh, he doesn’t seem to remember the last two months,” Yosuke said, feeling panicked.
The nurse stopped, frowning. “Memory loss sometimes happens in cases like this.” She stepped over to Souji, starting to examine his eyes; turning, she shook her head. “I’ll alert the doctor, but I’m going to have to ask all of you to leave now, in that case. We’ll need to run a few tests. You can come back tomorrow during normal visiting hours.”
“Awwww…” Rise slumped, and everyone else looked disappointed; Yosuke, meanwhile, was trying desperately to quash the rising bile in his stomach. Maybe it’s just parts of the last few months he lost. Carefully, he smiled at Souji.
“I guess we’ll see you in the morning, partner. You get some rest, okay?” For the first time, he wanted to reach out and touch his boyfriend’s hand; he didn’t dare, however, not in front of the others. Still, the inflection on the word ‘partner’ - that was a thing between them, a way for them to show a little affection without giving anything away.
Souji didn’t blink, didn’t even seem to notice. “Thanks, Yosuke. Chie, Yukiko, Kanji… Rise.” He smiled at her. “I’m glad to see you’re safe.”
Rise, sniffling, rubbed her eyes and smiled a watery smile back. “I’m glad you’re safe, senpai. I love you so much, I can’t stand the idea of losing you!”
A blush suffused Souji’s cheeks at this. “Er, I- sorry, I know you know me, but right now, I don’t remember… but come by tomorrow, please. I want to get to know you better, since we were clearly so close before.”
“Of course.” She smiled. “I’ll be over first thing.”
“I’ll be by, too,” Yosuke interjected.
“You don’t have to work?” Souji frowned. “I know you’ve had to rearrange your schedule a lot lately, and I don’t want you to get in trouble with your father.”
“No, I’ll be fine…” Yosuke trailed off as the nurse turned.
“Please, everyone, I need you to leave!”
The brunette tried to catch his eye, but Souji was smiling at Rise. Feeling like his world had just been shattered, Yosuke left with the others, excusing himself as soon as he could to hurry home.
He doesn’t love me any more.
There really wasn’t any other way to read it. Souji hadn’t confessed until a few weeks prior to the accident, and according to him, he’d only just started to have feelings for Yosuke - which meant that right now he was smack dab in the middle of footloose-and-fancy-free time. And he was clearly more than a little smitten with Rise.
It was a week after the accident, and while Yosuke had been going to see Souji every day - he was at home now, but still not cleared to go back to school - so had Rise, with the others showing up almost as often. Rise lived closer to Souji, and she didn’t have to work nearly as often as Yosuke; every time Yosuke showed up at the Dojima’s residence, Rise was already there, usually sitting on the couch with her arm through his partner’s, or her head on his shoulder.
Souji seemed perfectly content; more than once, Yosuke had offered to help him with something only to receive a frown and a “Oh, sorry, Rise’s already got plans for that, I wouldn’t want to put you out - thanks, though.”
That afternoon, Yosuke had been turned away from helping with dinner with a kindly “I already promised to make curry with Rise, but you’re welcome to stay.” Not wanting to be a third wheel, Yosuke excused himself with some lie about homework, and stumbled home; once home, he locked himself in his room, falling face down upon his futon.
Bile rose in the brunette’s stomach; he fought it, but was so distraught he ended up getting sick. The nurse’s caution that amnesia sufferers often regained their memories was a small comfort; Yosuke had already seen the writing on the wall.
Even when we were together I never made him happy. Rise is everything he could want - cute, charming, loving, touchy-feely, affectionate. Even if he realizes that he used to like me, he’ll remember how much better it is to be with her.
He hated it. While he wasn’t exactly superstitious, there was a certain level of acceptance they all had to have, given what they dealt with in the Shadow World - and Yosuke remembered quite well his prevailing thought the fateful night of the accident, about wanting out of the relationship.
“Ugh. I wish this had never happened. Life would be a hell of a lot easier to deal with.”
Even if that wasn’t why this had happened, the fact that he’d thought it - about Souji, his partner, his best friend, fucking face it, the love of my life - reminded Yosuke just how useless he was, and how absolutely terrible he’d been to Souji while they’d been dating. Sure, he’d been uncertain, and sure, he’d had trouble coming to terms with having a crush on - being in love with - another guy, but he’d never once tried to make an effort for Souji’s sake. He’d been too focused on himself and his own feelings. He’d never even tried to get past it, choosing instead to dwell in panic and annoyance.
Face it… Souji is better off with Rise.
Another week passed, with no change - not with Souji’s memory, at least. Yosuke, however, was learning just what he’d lost, now that he no longer had it. Souji’s phone had been crushed in the accident, so he’d had to get a new one; that meant that Yosuke was the only one who had any record of their texts, one of the few places he’d let himself open up and share his feelings with Souji. He used to read through them at night to calm his anxiety; now, seeing Souji’s last text - “Can’t wait to see you this evening, partner <3” just made him feel sick, but he couldn’t bear to delete it.
Meanwhile, Souji was cleared to leave the house; they were on break, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t spend time with them hanging out, at the floodplain or at Junes. They were gathered there one afternoon - Rise at Souji’s hip, as usual, her arm through his - and Chie was teasing them.
“Soooo, when are you two going to start dating?”
“Yeah, senpai!” Rise batted her eyelashes at him. “You know how much I love you!”
Souji was smiling at Rise - although he hadn’t answered her - when Yukiko leaned over.
“We all thought it was kind of weird that you weren’t dating anyone before the accident, you know, so-”
I can’t take this any more. Slamming down his soda, Yosuke stood up, knocking his chair over.
“Except he was. Souji was dating someone, he was dating me! Sure, I know that’s gone now, but I can't fucking act like it never happened!”
The last words came out in a choked sob as he grabbed his cell phone, stuffing it into his pocket; he turned, running out of the food court before anyone could get over their shock.
He refused to even look at Souji.
His feet took him to the floodplain before he even realized it; of all of Inaba it was probably the place he wanted to be least - it was where he and Souji had spent so many days together, especially once they started dating - but he was so miserable that he didn’t really care. Slumping over, wrapping his arms around himself, he buried his face against his knees.
I’ve done it now, I’ve ruined everything… Souji’s not going to want to be friends after this, and I just exposed myself to the rest of the group as liking guys without even having the benefit of being in a relationship anymore… now I’m just Souji’s ex-boyfriend, everything will be awkward when I’m around… fuck. I might as well just quit the team, it’s not like they don’t already have enough people…
He was crying so hard that he was shaking; suddenly he felt a presence, and a soft hand on his shoulder as an even softer voice spoke behind him.
“-Yosuke?”
The brunette froze. Oh my god, why did he come after me? He knew why. Souji was warm, and gentle, and kind, everything Yosuke loved and nothing he deserved, and even when Souji didn't return someone's feelings, he was going to do his best to keep them from hurting.
“Don’t.” The brunette kept his face down, his words muffled against his knees. “Look, I know there’s nothing there, I know you like Rise, hell you two look good together, there’s no reason for you to be here, just let me go, let me be, let me-”
“Yosuke… but I don’t- I’m not-”
“I know, okay?” He couldn’t help shouting, finally turning around. “I know you don’t like me! I wasn’t asking you-”
“Yosuke!” For the first time since their fight on the floodplain - before they’d ever even thought about dating - Souji raised his voice, shouting to match the brunette, and Yosuke froze. “Yosuke, I’m-”
Whatever he was going to say was cut off as he put both hands to his head, gasping; dropping into a crouch, he closed his eyes, still holding his head, lines of pain around his eyes. All of Yosuke’s misery and self-recrimination was forgotten as he rushed over to his partner’s side, pulling his phone out of his pocket.
“Shit, Souji, hang on-” He dialed 119 for an ambulance as he kept an arm around the taller boy’s shoulders, crouching next to him; Souji shook his head.
I’m- I’ll be okay, I-” another wince as his voice went faint from pain, and Yosuke just tightened his arm as Souji passed out against his shoulder.
“The hell you will. Hello? I need an ambulance…”
“Had Mr. Seta suffered any sort of strong emotional upheaval before the pain started?” The doctor was asking Yosuke questions as he shone a flashlight into Souji’s dilated eyes. The rest of the group stood outside; Rise, Yosuke knew, was staring daggers at him.
“Y-yeah.” He swallowed. “He and I had just had an argument, and he’d shouted at me right before he put his hands to his head and dropped into a crouch.”
“Mmmm.” The doctor put away the flashlight. “Strong emotional episodes can sometimes shake missing memories free. It also might just be a side-effect of the concussion he suffered in the accident. We won’t know until he wakes-” Just then, Souji groaned, stirring. “Well, here we go. Mr. Seta? Can you hear me?”
“-Yosuke?” Souji’s eyes fluttered open; he saw the doctor, frowned, and then his gaze sharpened at the brunette standing next to him. “Yosuke.” Blinking a few times, he looked at the doctor. “Yes, sir.”
“How do you feel?”
“My head hurts.” He was looking at the doctor now, not Yosuke, but one hand was clenched in the sheets.
“We’ll need you to stay overnight so that we can observe you. I’ll let your friends in for a few, but we’ll need to run some tests soon-”
“Actually, can you give us some time alone? I need to talk to Yosuke.” He looked at the group, waiting in the doorway. “Can you give us ten minutes?”
“I’m going to have to ask you not to exert yourself,” the doctor said, frowning. Souji nodded at this.
“I won’t, thank you.” The rest of the group was watching, eyes wide; when Souji looked back at them, they nodded, and the doctor sighed.
“All right.” He shooed the group out of the door, closing it behind him as he left the room; Souji looked up at Yosuke.
“Partner… I’m so sorry.”
This wasn’t what Yosuke was expecting; he blinked. “Huh?”
“I-” he put his other hand to his head. “These past weeks…” He shook his head. “What I was going to tell you on the floodplain is that I’m not in love with Rise. I never have been. I’m in love with you.”
Yosuke sucked in a breath. “What?”
Hand still holding onto the sheet, still trembling, Souji nodded. “Yosuke, I’ve been in love with you since we met; when you asked me when I’d started, though, I panicked, and told you it was a recent thing, because I didn’t want to weird you out - you were so on edge I didn’t want to pressure you.” He chewed his lip. “And then the accident happened, and I had no idea how you felt any more because I didn’t remember, I only knew that I had to keep it inside without annoying you, and-”
“Wait. Wait.” Yosuke felt the whole world shift, sharpen. “Did you just say the accident?”
“Yeah.” Souji bit his lip. “I remember everything now.”
With a strangled gasp, Yosuke threw himself at Souji, wrapping his arms around the silver-haired boy’s shoulders. “Fuck…”
Carefully, Souji returned the embrace. “I- I never expected you to tell everyone, I never thought you’d feel comfortable enough, and-”
“Dammit, Souji, I thought you were in love with Rise, and it just hurt so much! I’ve been such an asshole to you, I don’t even deserve you, but when it looked like I’d lost you I realized just how much you mean to me although I’ll never be able to make up for all the time I wasted trying to hide how I felt, I don’t deserve you, I-mmfff”
As the brunette panicked, Souji put his hands on either side of his face, kissing him. While Yosuke froze for a split second, he quickly melted into the kiss, sliding his arms around Souji’s neck; he sat down heavily on the bed and Souji leaned in, but when he put an arm around Yosuke’s waist the brunette froze again.
“S-sorry-” Souji tried to pull back, an apologetic look on his face, but Yosuke frowned, shaking his head, and put a hand on Souji’s arm, trapping it in place.
“It’s okay.” He took a deep breath, and suddenly he realized it was okay. Giving a small smile, he scooted in, closer. “I’m not saying I’m ready to make out in homeroom or anything but dammit, I’m proud to be with you. I love you.”
“Yosuke…” Souji bit his lip, adoration in his eyes; this time, Yosuke initiated the kiss, carefully and deliberately putting his hands on Souji’s hips as he leaned in. Souji gave a shuddering sigh, cupping Yosuke’s chin; he’d just run his tongue along Yosuke’s teeth - eliciting a satisfied hum from the brunette - when they heard the door slide open.
Both boys froze, and after about three seconds of silence, hell broke loose.
“Hot damn!” - That was Chie.
“Sennnpaaii! Noooo!” - That was Rise. Yosuke actually felt a little bad about that one.
“Ngh. Dude, ew!” - That was Kanji.
“Oh my.” - That was Yukiko.
“Woo hoo, sensei’s scoring a hot stud!” - That was Teddie.
Red-faced, Yosuke pulled away from Souji; his boyfriend’s flinch didn’t escape his notice as he took a deep breath, clenching his fists and turning towards the group. He wasn't going to screw it up this time. “Souji and I are dating, okay? We didn’t tell you before because I’m an insecure dipshit but we’re dating and I love him.”
“We kinda figured as much, senpai.” Kanji sounded nonplussed, and the rest of the group nodded. “I mean, you told us that at Junes, right?”
“Well, yeah, but-” Looking embarrassed, Yosuke pushed his bangs out of his eyes. “I mean-”
“What he means is that we’re dating now, and we were dating before the accident. We’re sorry for keeping secrets. Rise, I'm sorry, but I just can't return your feelings." Souji took Yosuke’s hand in his own, looking up to make sure it was okay; the brunette nodded.
“Yeah. Sorry I acted like a tool. Rise-”
“Don’t worry about it.” She gave a watery smile. “I’ve known all along that senpai was in love with you. If you’re going to own up to it and treat him well, I’ll allow it, but if you ever hurt him…”
The sweet, honeyed threat made Yosuke wince, and he squeezed Souji’s hand. “Don’t worry about that. I might be a dipshit, but I’ll do everything I can to make him happy.”
At this, Souji tugged his arm; Yosuke fell sideways against the bed, and the silver-haired boy kissed his cheek. The group - mostly Chie - was making fake gagging noises when they heard a sharp voice.
“What’s going on? Mr. Seta needs rest and quiet, you all need to- you!” The group at the door scattered and she walked in, a fierce look on her face. “You, young man, what did the doctor say about not over-exciting the patient?”
Yosuke reluctantly let go of Souji’s hand, scooting away from the bed with a red face. “S-sorry, I- partner-”
“It’s okay, Yosuke.” Souji gave him a loving look that warmed him to his toes. “If I’m just here for observation they’ll let me go tomorrow, and we can talk more.”
Swallowing, Yosuke nodded. “Yeah, um… get better, okay? I’ll be waiting for a text.”
“Of course. I love you, Yosuke.”
“I… love you, too, Souji.”
Yosuke left with the others, who started to give him hell about everything until Kanji cut them off.
“Nothing wrong with him and senpai, let it go.”
Yosuke shot him a look, and he stayed behind a bit as everyone separated to go home.
“Kanji, dude… thanks.”
“Nothin’ to thank me for. I’m proud a’ ya, senpai. Takes guts, I know that.”
“Yeah, well - I owe you an apology. More than one. If I say anything in the future that’s out of bounds, call me on it.”
“Nah, it’s no biggie.” Kanji patted his shoulder, awkwardly. “We’re all friends, right?”
“Yeah.” Yosuke gave a little smile.
Once outside the hospital, they headed their separate ways; Yosuke was halfway down the street to his house when his phone buzzed in his pocket. Pulling it out, he saw a text from Souji.
Nurse let me have my phone, though she made me promise not to spend more than 10 minutes on it. I love you. Thank you.
Flushing, Yosuke gently rubbed his thumb across the screen, thinking about Souji’s gentle smile.
wat r u thankin me 4, ur the 1 puttin up w my crap
i luv u 2, get sum sleep u nerd
i wanna c u 2moro
There was a few minutes’ spell as he got himself into the house, past Teddie, and into bed; he was just setting his alarm when the screen lit up again.
You’re worth it, Yosuke. Good night. <3
Yosuke's last thoughts as he closed his eyes were full of contentment.
I couldn’t wish for anything more.