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Asuka faltered.
Her bare feet slid a half step across the floor as the intercom rumbled to life and pierced the silence that had long since settled across her sparse quarters in the field bunkhouse that she shared with Makoto and a handful of others.
“Specialist Toyomitsu, the research team requests your assistance in unit 1A. No further information is available at this time.”
As quickly as the message began, it ended. Asuka sighed, glancing at the clock. The red letters flickered, a slight hum coming from the bulbs behind them, as Asuka continued on to the bathroom. Asuka grabbed her phone and tablet from the table next to the kitchenette as she passed, swiping through notifications, and mumbling to herself about her ever-growing to-do list for the day. Just as Asuka moved to dial her research assistant and field tech, the tablet jolted forward. Asuka’s mood shifted, a smile cutting across her face, as she tucked the devices under one arm, and began fondly rubbing her growing belly with the other.
“Okay, okay, Eijirou, I’m going. I’m sure my full bladder is quite the hindrance to your early morning acrobatics. Give me a break, will ya, kid? I am already running behind this morning.”
Asuka huffed, swaying her head with a soft laugh. She flicked the bathroom light on, squeezed toothpaste across her toothbrush, and popped the brush into her mouth. Asuka hissed around the object in her mouth as she sat on the toilet.
“‘Fuckin’ hell. Why is it always so cold?”
Asuka shuffled up, wincing between rapid kicks across her abdomen, as she washed her hands and finished brushing her teeth.
“Yeah, kiddo, I know, you’re not much for swearing or the cold, well, if the kicking and punching are anything to go by, but maybe you’ll grow outta those things.”
Asuka pulled on her compression wear then her scrubs. Silently, she clipped her badge to her front pocket, donned her state-issued KN95 mask, and washed her hands one more time. Asuka placed her tablet in her satchel and tossed the strap across her chest and shoulder. As she made to pocket her phone, it began to vibrate and ring rapidly in her hand. Asuka glanced at the screen, expecting to see her tech’s name atop the screen, but instead a picture of her father lit up her screen. Asuka bit her lip, waffling between answering or sending the call to voicemail. Asuka’s abdomen fluttered and she scoffed, clicking the green phone icon, with an inaudible “fine” muffled under her breath. The screen started as a series of distorted pixels before settling into shades of early morning reds and yellows. But, the brightest thing on the screen was her father’s mile-wide smile. Asuka cocked a brow, her father already talking rapidly before the images on the screen had become discernible.
“Suka, I know you're busy and I’ve called a bit later than usual, but the girls in the northwest pasture gave me more trouble than usual this morning.”
Asuka chuckled softly.
“Da, up with the sun, as usual, I see. I am running behind, but I got a minute for you to say good mornin’ to the boy.”
Asuka moved, setting her phone on the shelf next to the coat rack by the door that led to the hallway. She angled the device so that her screen focused on her abdomen. Asuka gently lifted her scrubs and compression shirt just as her skin moved with the press of toes outward. Asuka’s father made a soft gasping sound.
“Now what a thing that was to see to start my day. But, Suka, I didn’t just call to greet the day with my grandson. I called to hear my daughter’s voice. Your mother and I haven’t heard from you in a few days, and, now, we know you’re busy, but we miss you. ‘Sides, we aren’t promised tomorrow, Asuka. Can you blame an old man for wanting to talk to his daughter while he’s got the chance?”
Asuka stilled, snatching the phone from the shelf, and moving it so the device sat level with her face.
“Da, unless you’re about to lay something heavy at my feet, you better knock off that ‘I could be gone tomorrow’ nonsense. Mama said that besides needing to eat more greens and working on your triglycerides, Dr. Shuzenji gave you a clean bill of health last month. Mama said you’re sturdier than one of the stock horses and more stubborn than that old draft mule that nips the boys from the south bunkhouse every morning.”
Asuka watched as her father’s smile softened like butter left on the Sunday dinner table too long. God, was she getting misty eyed over her father’s smile? The man cleared his throat before pulling the phone in like he was kissing Asuka’s forehead.
“Five by five, wildflower. Your mama and I are awful proud of you. Get out there, give ‘em hell, and save lives.”
Asuka twitched her nose, pushing the tears back, as she swung her door wide and stepped into the hallway flooded with fluorescent lighting and background chatter.
“We’ll be seeing you. Love you, Da.”
Asuka rounded a second corner, fast steps moving her closer to unit 1A and further away from the warmth and stillness of her private quarters. She realized that there was no possibility for anything short of a break-neck pace that day. Asuka scanned her badge across the keypad next to a set of double doors watching as they slid open to reveal an enclosed connection hallway between the research installation building and the field hospital and treatment unit. The blonde shot off two emails: one to the lab about pending test results and cultures and a second to the virology team to see if they had any update about the anticipated arrival of the next shipment of antivirals and vaccines. Asuka found herself a half step from the next keypad, preparing to transition to the triage center for the field hospital, when a set of gloved hands slapped over both sides of Asuka’s neck. Asuka’s eye twitched and she turned to confront the owner of the hands firmly planted against her throat when the individual pivoted into her direct line of sight.
Kaina Tsutsumi stood before her, in full scrubs, KN95 mask across her pale face, and clipboard tucked between her arm and her chest. Even with the mask, Asuka could sense the smug grin splitting the woman’s face.
“Must’a been a hell of a morning for you to forget your patches.”
The field nurse’s left hand shot up to her neck, fingers brushing Kaina’s as the indigo-haired woman pulled back, lithe fingers wrapping around her clipboard once more. Asuka closed her eyes, head tilting up, as her head rested on her shoulders. A deep sigh pushed from Asuka’s lungs making her lips purse with the force of it.
“Sorry, Kaina. Must have slipped my mind. Da called and Eijirou seems determined to sidewind me with those fingers and toes of his at the least opportune moments.”
Kaina shrugged, glancing down at the clipboard in her hands.
“It happens, Asuka. We’ve been running short-staffed for six weeks. You’re just one person. Can’t be expected to remember everything all the time.”
Rolling her shoulders, Asuka tilted her chin down to nod gently, before opening her eyes again.
Kaina returned her nod, pressing a button next to the keypad to neutralize the hallway. A fan whirred and then a soft, barely visible mist wafted through the space clearing out the remnants of Asuka’s scent and any possible contaminants before they moved to enter the triage center. Kaina knocked her shoulder against Asuka’s, leveling her with a gaze that reflected years of close-calls, late nights, and endless change. If Asuka had had the time, she might have paused, moved by the empathy and vulnerability in the eyes looking up at hers - if she had the time she might have appreciated the knowingness of her long-time colleague-turned-friend’s stare. Kaina broke the silent tension before Asuka could.
“Much as I have come to love your wild ginger and candy cap scent, it's best if we save it for after-hours.”
Kaina paused for a resounding two seconds before launching into the itinerary for the day as the two women made their way to the hub at the center of the triage center. Asuka rubbed her temples as she listened to each member of their staff recount the last twenty-four hours - a huddle between medical, research, and administrative staff to keep a pulse on the progress made and barriers encountered. Each staff member lamented how they continued their respective weeks’ long fight against a virus that continued to mutate and increase its ability to virally shed - ultimately, exceeding what they previously predicted for the virus’s systemic and contagion risk. In her peripheral vision, Asuka watched as Kaina furiously took notes, writing short-hand in the margins no doubt for follow-up and clarification once everyone finished bringing each other up to speed. The conversation continued, at times escalating as staff disagreed on appropriate next steps, but despite being invested in gathering as much information as possible from as many people as possible, Asuka found herself distracted. Something seemed off. Something was wrong. She did a mental count of the staff that stood circled up before her. Her count came up short. Asuka hastily interrupted as virology and immunology debated the pathogen virulency, mode of transmission, and portals of entry or exit.
“Act first, ask for apologies second, right? Okay, so what I have gathered in the last thirty minutes is that the infectious agent is likely not one type of pathogen, but potentially two mutated together; reservoirs and susceptible hosts are increasing; mode of transmission has escalated,and portals of entry and exit are evolving.”
Asuka tucked a strand of her honey-and wheat-colored blonde hair behind her ear before continuing.
“Furthermore, prior methods of management are reducing in overall efficiency and efficacy, correct? We are facing an infectious disease that initially enters the host’s through contact with a fungal organism, which weakens the host’s immune system, thus allowing the viral proteins - our second component - to fully bond with the host’s cell receptors. And, from what virology discerned, the viral proteins appear to have a barb-like feature that allows them to more fully bind to the receptor sites. Am I understanding this correctly?"
The staff stood stock still, their faces drawn in a series of differing emotions. Some looked solemn, but nodded in agreement. Others looked a bit taken aback by Asuka’s sudden outburst. More senior members of the team looked a bit perplexed and frustrated at being interrupted, but otherwise nodded as well. Asuka cleared her throat.
“Apologies, I have one last thing to say. Where is epidemiology? Is Mak-”
Asuka paused, collecting herself.
“Did epidemiology return from the infectious treatment and containment unit? They are slated to meet with myself and the rest of the public health and nursing staff within the next hour.”
Asuka shuddered at the silence that followed. If silence could grow more tangible, more deafening in its totality, she hadn’t encountered it yet. Time slowed and it seemed even the machines and their incessant beeping had lessened in the last thirty seconds. Asuka moved without thinking. Her vision blurred. Sound slurred, became muffled, and then turned to static. Asuka’s sneakers screeched across tile and plastic as she placed her badge over another keypad. If she allowed herself to actually process the noises reaching her from the others trailing behind her, then she would have recognized that several sets of shoes slowly became just one. The incoherent chatter settled into just one voice: Ryuko Tatsuma.
Her mentor.
“Asuka, stop. Kirishima chose to stay with his team. They’re working with the group of school children that contracted the illness while on a class trip to one of the local farms. He refused to leave those children by themselves.”
Ryuko motions for her senior resident, Nejire Hado, to take the stack of charts and test results from her and then dismisses the resident to complete her rounds on another unit. Ryuko closes the door for the hallway behind them just as Asuka opens hers.
There.
Asuka can see the outline of Makoto through the doors at the end of the second hallway. She sighs, but it's not quite in relief, at least, not yet. Ryuko punches in a series of codes into the keypad closest to her. The hallway closest to the triage center glows a faint red.
Asuka steeled herself, turning to Ryuko, and offering a simple, curt nod.
“Dr. Tatsuma, what’s the estimated arrival for our outpost's next shipment of antivirals and vaccines?”
Asuka’s voice shook as she raised her eyes to meet her mentor’s, fingers already posed over the keypad, and beginning the sequence of code necessary to lock the second hallway that she now stood in. Ryuko hesitated, an action unlike her. Ryuko’s voice shook despite her best efforts to maintain her calm, composed demeanor, especially in front of her former student, who was slowly fraying at the seams in front of her.
“They are at least two days out. The storm that tore through Sepulpa grounded all air travel and transport. The commission wouldn’t authorize a contract with private aircraft, so no helicopters or biplanes. A truck left the larger research installation a day and a half ago.”
Sucking in a breath, her throat tightened, as Asuka turned away from Ryuko. The blonde slammed her palm across the keypad finalizing the coding as she looked over her shoulder at her mentor. Asuka briefly considered how Ryuko, a woman she had grown to see as more than a mentor many years prior, silently allowed Asuka to sidestep protocol in hopes that they were both wrong about what awaited Asuka at the opposite end of the corridor. Asuka could see Ryuko through the glass panels of the double doors that locked into place now that the hall glowed eerily red much like her mentor’s had just moments before. A shiver racked through her body, stopped only by soft taps against her abdomen from within. Asuka let out a shuddering laugh - a noise so wet and shaky that she was grateful to be alone. She turned and moved toward Makoto’s outline. The urge to break into a full run settled deep within Asuka’s bones, but her fear filled her feet with lead. Asuka reached the door separating her and Makoto. She moved slowly, considering whether she should scan her badge, and enter since Makoto hadn’t noticed her yet. Makoto Kirishima turned, eyes locking with Asuka, and she immediately noticed that he looked exhausted. Asuka felt the weight of his exhaustion through the glass. His green eyes blood-shot and rimmed with bruising lacked their usual warmth. Asuka had seen Makoto exhausted - truly tired beyond reason - many times before, but this time was different. Makoto’s eyes held both a weight and an emptiness that looked out of place on the usually buoyant and charismatic alpha.
Her alpha.
As if anticipating her next move, Makoto moved and quickly entered a series of numbers into the keypad on his side of the doors. Asuka’s breathing shuddered as a red glow emanated from inside the treatment center. She pressed her badge over the keypad repeatedly. Each attempt alerting, but erroring out. No one would be permitted to enter or leave the treatment center without an administrative override. A task that would take hours to complete. Asuka pressed her palm flat against the glass, voice stuttering over Makoto’s name. Makoto offered her a weak smile, palm pressing against hers from the other side of the glass, as he whispered Asuka’s name so softly that she barely heard it. Asuka pressed in closer to the glass and Makoto did the same, his fingers spreading wider on the glass. The change in position revealed to Asuka what she had already suspected - angry red welting crossing over Makoto’s face, arms, and hands in a lace-like pattern. Asuka scanned the rest of what she could see of Makoto: petechiae blooming across tan skin and dried blood at the corner of his mouth and left nostril.
Asuka’s fingers pulled back from the glass and curled into a fist, punching the barrier between herself and Makoto in rapid succession. She watched as her knuckles bloomed red, but the glass did not budge. It had been designed to withstand gunshots. Her ire wouldn’t pierce the glass no matter how hard she tried. The tears started before Asuka could stop them. She shook with them, sliding to the floor. Makoto went with her. Asuka opened her mouth, but words wouldn't come. Makoto pressed his palm to the glass again. His free hand moved to tuck a strand of his hair out of his eyes. Asuka noticed how the jet black locks had begun to slip from his haphazard top knot. What Asuka would give to run her fingers through Makoto’s hair, pull it into intricate braided designs, or simply trace her long nails across his scalp. Gods above, what she wouldn’t give to be able to touch Makoto.
Much like her actions earlier that morning, Asuka moved without thinking. Asuka jerked her hand back and pulled off the scent patches that Kaina had placed over her scent glands earlier that morning. Makoto’s lower lip wobbled as he reached up and pulled off his well-worn patches. Asuka closed her eyes, accepting the warmth of her tears carving a path across her cheeks before ending on the collar of her scrubs. She inhaled fully. The scent diluted by the barrier, but still discernable to Asuka after endless years of knowing the man across from her: the smoky and earthy scent of burning leaves, mahogany twinged with teakwood, and an underlying note of steel or rusting iron. The last notes blooming far more intensely than ever before, likely due to Makoto’s body overexerting itself as it strained to fight off the illness that slowly consumed him.
Asuka opened her eyes. The weight of tears on her lashes and unshed tears in her water line made it difficult to keep her eyes open. Asuka could hear the subtle drags of Makoto inhaling, so she pumped out her scent as best she could. She hoped that it had not soured with her emotions. She begged whomever was listening to her internally falling apart that Makoto felt the warmth of wild ginger and sharp sweetness of earthy candy cap. Makoto spoke first. His voice hoarse, probably from disuse or his own crying, Asuka couldn’t be sure.
“Hey, my song bird.”
Asuka felt her anger simmer beneath her skin. She wanted to lash out. The urge to rage, accuse, and blame an almost tangible thing within her. But, instead, she swallowed, hard, and pressed as close as the doors and her pregnant belly would allow her.
“When I said I was okay with our jobs taking us away from one another from time to time this is not what I meant.”
The last word rasped from between Asuka’s lips. Her next words dissolved into quiet sobs as Makoto leaned further into the glass. She caught the faintest notes of comfort in the scent Makoto pushed toward her. The attempt to console her unraveled her further. Asuka gathered herself to ask the one question she feared the answer to.
“How long?”
Makoto seemed to understand. The dimples in his cheeks prominent as he tried to smile - an action likely done for Asuka more than himself.
“Hours, maybe less, if our incubation estimates are accurate.”
Asuka’s face fell to her hands for several minutes, her sobs shaking her frame, until the silence stretched so thin that it was bound to break.
“Asuka, I couldn't leave them, even if I knew it was too late.”
It was then that Asuka noticed the row of shrouds neatly lined up along one wall in the treatment center. Bile rose in the back of her throat causing Asuka to cough suddenly. No matter how many times she worked an infectious disease outbreak, no matter how many times she had watched as communities fell apart, Asuka would never get used to the sickly, acrid scent of death - the enveloping scent of dead pups being the worst of all. Asuka tore her eyes away from small, pale fingers - a shroud having slipped away from a body, among many, being covered gently to offer some dignity and peace in a place wrought by displays of death. Asuka found herself struck by the exposition of it all - the vulnerability of loss and grief, the slow rot of something so precious and yet so fragile as human life laid out in Excel sheets, lab results, and memorandums. Mourning made medical.
Asuka blinked, trying to clear her vision. Makoto coughed, the noise sounding both too loud and yet so weak. Asuka bit her lip and offered a lopsided grin, devoid of her usual joy as she broke the silence, “Final report, Field Specialist Kirishima?”
Makoto laughed - the sound dry and hollow.
“Stay with me, Asuka? The loneliness of the last few days feels heavier than it did even this morning.”
“Stay? How could I ever leave? It’d be like walking away from the setting sun or a star collapsing. I’d be leaving my heart here in this cold corridor. How could I be anywhere else? You are one of the strongest people I know. I half expected to find myself in your place a hundred moments before now. There are a million things to say and yet none of them want to come out. My body betrays me, now, when I need it most.”
Asuka’s thoughts turned cold and all encompassing. Her last remnants of hope shattering. I feel pathetic, like a sentinel, destined to watch, but never warn. Damn you, Makoto Kirishima.
Makoto speaks with a voice softer than before as Asuka inhales frantically hoping to hold on to the muted bursts of Makoto’s scent.
“Then, you understand, even if it hurts you to do so. You stay much like I did. You see and feel vulnerability and refuse to not meet it with the intimacy of compassion, warmth, empathy. . . Asuka, you are choosing a front row seat to death much as I did for one simple reason: love.
You love me. And, in those last, fleeting moments, I made the decision to show those children love.”
Makoto’s voice stuttered, but he continued, his voice gaining some of its timbre and depth from before.
“Omega.”
Asuka wiped the back of her hand against her eyes and held Makoto’s gaze. A whine bullied its way out of her throat. She typically wasn’t one for using designations, but with the rawness of the moment, she couldn’t find it in herself to care. Her prior indignation - any previous sense of being upset by seeing herself as reduced to her secondary gender - dissipated. The omega bared her neck, eyes wide, and filled with tears once more.
“Alpha.”
“Asuka, we’ll be okay. You’ll be okay.”
Asuka started to speak, but stopped when Makoto pressed his palm over where her abdomen sat closest to the glass panes of the doors.
“Asuka, I need you to hear me. I need you to hear all of what I have to say, please. I held them. I held these children. Their hands so small and yet so heavy. I told them stories and hummed softly to block out the whirring of the machines that kept them comfortable until the end. I wet rags and dabbed foreheads. I spoon fed sometimes two or three of them at a time. I held them in ways that I hoped our son would be held should he ever need and we could not reach him. I held them as if I held him.”
Makoto sputtered out a few shaky coughs. The weight of him pulling him down the door little by little.
“I won’t be there to hold him, Asuka. Take care of Eijirou. Take care of our son, please. Know that in these last moments I am memorizing the light in your eyes and the way your incisor pokes out when you’ve been crying - much like it does when you are lost in thought. Know that I have loved you so fully since the moment you ran full force into me. You covered us both in coffee, and diagnostic sheets, all those years ago, and irrevocably changed the trajectory of my life. I would do it all again, Asuka. I would take all the bad with all the good, even this moment now. Life doesn’t care how strong you think you are and please don’t misunderstand me, I don’t want to go. I’m sorry, song bird, this isn’t how I planned things to go. This is not the way I planned to leave you. You must know that I didn’t choose to leave you. I chose to do the right thing. I tried to save someone else’s babies and when that didn’t work I cared for them until the heaviness left their limbs and they finally found rest.”
Makoto’s eyes cloud with tears.
“Can I ask you to sing for me one more time?”
Asuka choked on a sob, but nodded. Her voice low and soft she sang,
“Love, you and I have seen everything there is to see.
And, the soles of our shoes are all worn down.
The time for sleep is now.
But, it's nothing to cry about because we will hold each other soon.
I’ve loved you long before I knew you and though our journey is through,
Just for now, its you and me
And, I will sing to you
Until we meet again.”
Asuka stopped. She felt paralyzed by the growing tightness in her chest and throat. She squeezed her eyes shut and when she reopened them she tried not to wail. Makoto laid next to the door. His breathing had grown shallower with each passing moment. Asuka took in the sweat beading at his collarbones and forehead. Makoto’s eyes darted up toward her as he ran his tongue idly over his lips. Asuka laid down on the cold tile of the hallway, easing onto her side, so that she could look at Makoto. Makoto weakly moved his hands - one to rest over hers and one to rest over her abdomen. Asuka kept watch. She knew that minutes had morphed into hours. Her body ached in the position she held, but she found comfort in the faint, but steady scent of Makoto. A sign that despite his shallow, labored breathing that he was still with her. Periodically, Makoto would croak out a few syllables - a sentence, a phrase, attempts at sharing a memory with the woman he loved. After some time even those stopped and Asuka was left only with the imperceptible movement of his chest and his scent of smoke and leaves and iron.
Asuka swore she heard Makoto mumble, “I like the way your voice sounds…when you sing to me.”
Asuka felt the exhaustion pull at her eyes and her bones. Her body protested the vigil she held. Asuka dug her nails into her palms in hopes that the brief pinpricks of pain would keep her aware as long as Makoto needed her. Makoto’s eyes, once lidded, now remained closed. Asuka’s breath caught each time the rise and fall of Makoto’s chest faltered. Asuka’s thoughts suffocated her. A whisper leaving her cracking lips as she stared at her barely conscious lover, “If you’re leaving, how do I keep breathing? How do I pretend that I am not drowning?”
Asuka’s voice broke on the last word. Eijirou moved. Her abdomen flexing as their growing child stretched - so alive, such a stark contrast to his father before her. Asuka sniffled. Her eyes blown wide - something changed. Makoto’s scent was gone. And, if Asuka couldn’t smell his scent anymore then that meant that. .
No, no, no!
Asuka’s thoughts ballooned with denial. She raised up on her knees, both palms against the glass as she inhaled over and over until each inhale caused pain - her nose almost raw with her efforts. Asuka laid down once more and pressed a kiss to where Makoto’s forehead now touched the glass. Then, Asuka raised up, sitting back on her haunches and screamed. The sound was inhuman as it reverberated off the walls around her. Asuka screamed until her voice became hoarse and she tasted bile and metallic saliva in her throat. They hadn’t been mated. But, Asuka swore she could feel Makoto’s death tear through her. Something once firmly there now gone forever.
This time when the tears came she did not fight them. Her vision blurred and she laid back down, curling in on herself next to her dead partner. Asuka’s chest heaved with her sobs, mouth open - body struggling between panting breaths and silent screams. With time, Asuka’s sobs waned and her body grew tired as her physical body could no longer continue the painful ritual of her grief. And then, there was a stillness. Losing Makoto happened violently and suddenly. Asuka realized as she lay exhausted and aching that perhaps to others it would seem gradual, winding down even, like an old clock whirring until it stopped - forever stuck in a singular moment of time. Asuka trembled. She’d expected a gasp or even a dramatic fading of life as the disease consumed Makoto, but even in her shock she found that nothing could have prepared her for the breath that just didn’t come back - for the scent that dulled and then dissipated as if never there to begin with.
Asuka readjusted. The floor in the corridor was unforgiving and unyielding to her form. She curled as tightly as she could to Makoto, imagining the barrier between them melting away, so that she could touch a shaky hand to his cold skin. Asuka’s thoughts felt fleeting and focusing on Makoto’s face became increasingly difficult as the exhaustion rolled through her body again and again until a restless sleep finally overwhelmed her.
Asuka woke with a start.
Where am I? Why am I moving?
She thought. Asuka tried to blink the sleep from her eyes and found that her eyelashes stuck uncomfortably to her cheeks. She reached a hand up, rubbing absently at her face, as her eyes finally opened. Asuka’s vision blurred and burned. Asuka shut her eyes briefly as the burning intensified briefly. Then, Asuka’s eyes shot open wide as her sleep-addled brain finally caught up with her slowly moving body. Asuka whipped her head to the side, blonde hair moving in multiple directions as she locked eyes with what or rather who moved her.
One of the lead researchers - Tensei Iida.
Asuka swiveled her neck in the direction they were slowly moving away from. Asuka locked onto Makoto’s lifeless form limp across the tile in the treatment center. Asuka struggled to get free of Tensei. Didn’t Tensei know that she needed to stay here? How could he move her when Makoto clearly needed her? She’d promised.
Asuka flailed. Her fists struck at Tensei’s chest and back as her legs pushed against his thighs - and yet Tensei remained unphased. Asuka fought, yelling unintelligibly, making demands to stay, and cursing Tensei and anyone else responsible for moving her. Asuka’s body morphed into shapes she felt sure it never had before as she strained against Tensei’s form. Catatonic as she was, Asuka couldn’t appreciate the way her own pain morphed into a primal thing - an ugly, visceral thing that had her sinking her claws figuratively and literally into the man that carried her further and further away from Makoto.
“You bastard.”
Asuka whimpered. A wounded sound emanated from Asuka as Tensei pressed against the keypad to initiate sanitizing the corridor before the two of them could reenter the research and field installation proper. A fan whirred to life.The sound felt eerily close and yet so far away. Asuka’s teeth chattered. A full body shiver wracked through her as the gaseous ethylene oxide misted across her scrubs and exposed skin. A second air filtration system kicked on, eking out vaporized hydrogen peroxide, and possibly ozone. Asuka couldn’t be sure. But as soon as it started, it seemed to disperse and dissipate just as quickly. The staunch silence as the air pulled back through the vents jarred something within Asuka. The double doors slid apart slowly and Asuka shattered. Tensei tensed underneath her. Asuka felt as the body cradling her flexed - muscles contracting - preparing for a fight - sensing a renewed struggle. Crossing the threshold and watching the doors close behind them, further fragmented what was left of Asuka’s resolve. She kicked out, the soles of her shoes connecting with the frame of the door. A dam gave way - Asuka’s sorrow spilled out and swallowed everything in its wake. Grief-stricken, yet weary, the pregnant blonde wailed and used her weight to push Tensei off balance. Tensei twisted his body so that when the two of them crashed into the floor that his frame braced Asuka from the force of the impact. Asuka scrambled toward the closed doors, badge aloft as she reached for the keypad. She had to get back to Makoto. Seconds passed, each swipe of her badge falling short as Asuka’s remaining energy and adrenaline waned.
One last attempt.
Asuka thought.
“Enough.”
Tensei spoke softly as his arms snaked around Asuka’s abdomen and chest. The taller man placed Asuka’s back flush to his chest - holding her as she shuddered with feeble whimpers and sobs. Voice shredded, Asuka whispered, “Ten, I gotta see him. I gotta be there. I promised.”
The sound that rattled Asuka’s chest was jagged, unsettling Tensei. Tensei steeled himself, his hold on Asuka tightening. He remained fearful that Asuka would continue her tireless and staccatoed efforts to return to her lover. The brunette found himself struck with the harsh reality of what he needed to do at this moment. The researcher sighed, grateful that he had negotiated with the team to do this alone. Tensei hoped that his previous closeness with Makoto would salvage his relationship with Asuka once all was said and done with what he was about to do. He slung an arm across Asuka’s chest, and grabbed her by the jaw with his other hand. Tensei tilted Asuka’s face until it centered on what was visible of Makoto’s form through the panes in the doors ahead of them.
“Asuka, look at him. Look at Makoto. Really see him. His eyes are empty and cold. Find your way back. For yourself. For Eijirou. For Makoto, too. Anchor yourself. Nothing remains of the man you loved. If there is a place for souls, especially those as good and warm and true. . .”
Tensei’s voice shook.
“Especially those as true as Makoto Kirishima, it is not here.”
Tensei’s voice wavered.
“No, it is not here. Here is suffocating with death, disease, and sterility.”
Without realizing it, Tensei had begun gently rocking the two of them.
“Leaving this place may feel like betrayal. You will likely leave a piece of yourself behind, but we’ve spent too long in the company of death.”
Tensei slowly exhaled, air pushing out of his nose in a soft, constant rhythm.
“Live, Asuka. I’m not asking you to forget. I am asking you to survive.”
Asuka hooked her chin over Tensei’s forearm. Her face nestled against his forearm and her cheek angled toward the crook of his elbow. Asuka’s gaze shifted, becoming vacant. SHe swallowed as the weight of exhaustion moved through her. The pregnant omega turned her body more toward Tensei’s, curling in on herself as what little fight she had remaining bled out of her. Tensei’s eyes tracked as Asuka’s shoulders slumped, wrists and hands curling and tucking into her chest, and then, finally, her eyes closed. Tensei’s vision blurred with a sudden surge of tears. Tensei focused on breathing through his silent weeping as warm tears slid down his cheeks, dropping, and catching in Asuka’s hair.
Asuka’s thoughts drifted, as a profound, bone-deep tiredness settled within her - creating a hollow ache that spread outward from her chest. She meant to say something, anything really, to Tensei, but found that not only was her mouth dry and her throat hoarse, but her head - her brain, her mind - seemed foggy and dense. Asuka briefly fought the exhaustion clouding her mind, making her thoughts as thick and weighed down - burdened - as her tongue. Asuka sensed herself fading. Her body and mind sat at the precipice of unconsciousness. Asuka toed the precarious line of wakefulness, where every shadow held her grief, and sleep, where she might escape the threads of her life unraveling around her. So, Asuka let herself fall. She gave in, exhaling, and collapsing against Tensei beneath her.
An incessant beeping bullies Asuka awake. The beeping is quickly joined by a hissing sound. Then, muffled voices, endless tapping, and too many sets of footfalls moving in too many differing directions for Asuka to differentiate join in. They blend together, culminating in a symphony both as bizarre as it is aggravating. Opening her eyes proves more difficult than Asuka anticipated. Her eyelids lay heavily against her cheekbones and each effort to blink them apart sends a twinge of pain through her face. Asuka moved her hand, jerking against the resistance she met, as she groggily rubbed her eyes. Her eyes flutter, vision out of focus, before the stark overhead lights abruptly and painfully refocused everything. The blonde brought her palm to her forehead, breath hissing through her teeth. Her head ached and throbbed. If Asuka was being honest, her entire body felt like a bruise.
God, what had happened?
Surely, Eijirou’s constant stretching and kicking hadn’t led to her feeling like this, had it?
Fingers steepled, Asuka pinched the skin at the center of her forehead. She closed her eyes again. Inhaling then exhaling for four counts, the disoriented omega tried to recall how she had ended up in one of the patient rooms. Warmth begins moving along her hand, wrist, and forearm. Startled, Asuka opened her eyes, once more surprised to find that not only did she have an IV, but that she had managed to snag her IV on something, pulling it loose from its port.
“The fuck?”
Reaching out with her opposite hand, Asuka grabbed the IV port, and maneuvered to pull the device the rest of the way out. But, before Asuka could maneuver the tape, tubes, and needle, a large, weathered hand struck out and wrapped around the back of her hand. Asuka gasped, the noise instantly devolved into a fit of coughing and wheezing. Her waterline itched and Asuka rubbed it on impulse, as her eyes brimmed with tears. Her tawny and vermillion eyes followed the hand grasping her own back to its owner. Asuka’s lower lip wobbled as she inhaled sharply, but whether it was from pain or emotion she couldn’t be sure.
“Da, what’re you doing here?”
Taishiro held Asuka’s hand gently. With one worn boot, Taishiro pulled his chair closer to his daughter’s bedside. Asuka moved to sit up, but Taishiro placed his opposite hand lightly against her shoulder and pressed down, easing Asuka back into the hospital bed.
“Rest, Suka.” His words settled across Asuka, firm and leaving no room for argument. Asuka sat, taking in her surroundings and continuing to draw a blank. Her father continued tracing soft circles into the back of her hand. The silence between them, drug on, tense, but not uncomfortably so. Sliding doors parted rapidly with a pressurized whirring noise, revealing a nurse that Asuka couldn’t recall having seen before. The woman moved about the room gathering items she would need to take both Asuka and Eijirou’s vitals. A small flicker ran across her thoughts and Asuka’s words rushed out - hurried and abrupt.
“Oh! You must be the new nurse from obstetrics, right? I’m sure we will meet more formally once I’m out of here.”
With that, Asuka waved her hand without an IV about the air, gesturing casually at the space around them.
A beta. Asuka thought as she observed the other. She took in the other: medium height, pale skin, reddish-brown hair, and nimble, deft fingers that moved with uncanny precision. Asuka pulled herself out of her obvious staring and observing. She cleared her throat attempting to redirect and assuage any awkwardness that she had created with her intense gaze. Asuka picked at the fraying threads on the blanket draped over her and looked up at the nurse, who had oddly stayed quiet so far.
“I’m guessing I passed out again while doing rounds. Dehydration, or something else this time? Did my blood pressure bottom out?”
Asuka swallowed quickly before starting in on the younger beta once more.
“Whatever the reasoning, do you mind if we wait for Makoto? You paged him, right? If not, I can call him. He likes to be here any time we hear Eijirou’s heartbeat.”
Two things happened in quick succession, a sharp gasp pulled from the nurse and a tray with vials for labs clattered to the floor, the noise reverberating around the otherwise quiet space. Wringing her hands, the nurse looked from Taishiro to Asuka, then back again. Her white teeth sunk into her bottom lip several times before she spoke.
“I’m sorry.” Her voice wavered.
“I’ll go get Kaina. I don’t think it's my place to . . .”
The nurse’s voice became small and tapered off, thought and sentence left unfinished before she turned on her heel and left. Asuka glanced at the clock above the sliding glass doors that led out of her room. Barely five minutes had passed since the nurse had entered, then abruptly left.
Why had it seemed like an eternity transpired while the nurse avoided looking at and talking to her?
A soft, watery sigh brought Asuka out of her thoughts. She looked to her father and finally saw how teary his eyes were, how tight his jaw sat, and Asuka inhaled deeply. She closed her eyes, pinching, first, the bridge of her nose, then the back of her neck, in some last stitch effort to both keep calm and encourage the memories she’d lost to resurface. For a moment, Asuka felt confused. Disoriented. Like she had been dropped in the middle of someone else’s life and she was supposed to just pick up and put back together the pieces and know where everything goes.
Asuka flexed her hand, the one her father hadn’t let go of for several minutes.
“Da, what am I missing? That whole incident just now was weird. I know it was. Feels like something’s missing - something important - and I can’t get it back.”
She blinked rapidly as her breathing kicked up. The wounded sound that pushed its way out of her father made Asuka pause.
“Where’s Makoto? What’s taking him so long? Epidemiology is a trek, but he’s never taken this long before. Da, do you think something’s caught him up and he can’t come?”
Another shuddering sigh from the chair next to her was interrupted by a light tapping against the window across the room from her bed.
Rain.
Clearly visible thanks to the blinds that had been left fully open. The sky hung heavy and dreary. A gray backdrop to Asuka’s mounting confusion and concern. Despite the constant rainfall, and occasional strike of lightning, outside remained stagnant, dull. . .almost lifeless.
A cold sweat broke out all over Asuka’s face and neck. Her breathing continued to accelerate - barely a beat between each draw and release of air. A dull roar emanated from somewhere making sound muffled and indistinct as if Asuka had been unceremoniously submerged underwater. She struggled to separate the sound of her own heartbeat from the ever-increasing noise coming from the monitor next to her bedside. Asuka’s eyes darted around the room trying to piece together what might have happened. She looked from the machines to the hospital patient band around her wrist, to the rain and the storm just beyond the fogging window panes, then to her father. Her sight on a swivel, never landing and staying more than a brief moment on any one spot. Asuka’s vision blurred whether from strained focus, fatigue, or tears she couldn’t be sure. The blonde sat, world both blaring and muted, simultaneously. She could feel in her bones - her body knew something her mind had forgotten.
Time passed. Asuka was certain it did. It must. It's what time does. Then, pieces started to return and a sad, solemn smile spread across her face. The laugh that left Asuka’s lips was a bitter, broken thing - a mockery of joy. It was a sound that was as dull and hoarse as it was sharp edges. Asuka lifted her hand to her head. Her brow furrowed in concentration. A moment passed and her hand shook then dropped to her side, fist clenching. She moved, almost doubling over as one hand spread trembling fingers across her swollen belly while the other tightened into a fist against her chest.
“This is stupid. It's stupid. Mortal and stupid. We have all these tools - all this modern medicine. Science beyond what those before us could only dream of and yet still we ended up here. I. . .I don’t understand. Yesterday, or maybe it was the day before. . .”
Asuka turned, looking at her father who was openly and quietly crying. Her lip wobbled. The roaring in her ears ebbed and flowed like encroaching and receding waves. Her father opened his mouth, a sound escaped, but no words followed. Asuka’s tenuous grip on her chest and her sanity wavered, weakened, but she continued.
“It feels like hours ago and also just before now. One moment he’s here. He took up so much space. His laugh and his smile radiant. He was just here, god damn it, laughing. Breathing, taking up space in the world. . .in my life. And, now, what? He’s gone? Like the universe just changes the channel and now it's all gray. I’m stuck with static - with an emptiness where before it had been so full. Now there’s this gaping, empty space that can never be filled. I told him I didn’t do this. I didn’t do love because love hurts. Love causes pain. Love leaves. And, now, he’s gone, but the love isn’t and I’m drowning. Da, how do I do this? He’s gone and he’s not coming back. And I feel like I can’t breathe.”
Taishiro stood, his legs shaking and betraying just how profoundly unsteady he felt. He acted before he could overthink. Taishiro let go of Asuka’s hand, moving so that he could lift his daughter out of the hospital bed. Taishiro maneuvered so that he could cradle Asuka against his chest. Asuka was not a petite woman by any means, but Taishiro Toyomitsu walked through life as a mountain of a man and right now, Asuka curled up in his arms looked so incredibly small. Taishiro choked up looking at how much Asuka resembled the wayward little girl she used to be. Her blonde hair tousled and tangled from her grief and the hospital bed rather than from running barefoot through wheat fields before climbing into a saddle or a tractor seat and bounding off on her next adventure. The words tumbled from Taishiro’s lips before he could chew on them too long, mull them over long past their use, and miss the opportunity to help pull Asuka up before she drifted too deep.
“You know, this isn’t how I imagined it. Not that I gave a ton of thought to holding you now that you’re grown. But, when you were little and I held you for one of the last times, it was bittersweet. I imagined holding you again if you ever needed - maybe if you’d had too much to drink or you’d overworked yourself, but never did I envision this. I could never have anticipated a grief so heavy - not for you. I had resigned myself to you never quite needing me like you used to and perhaps you don’t need me even now. Maybe this is another “Da, I can do it myself” but Suka, it doesn’t have to be.”
He paused, gathering his words, stilling his rapidly beating heart, and calming his nerves that threatened to break apart the resolve he needed to carry Asuka and himself through these next fragile moments.
“Suka, in the quiet moments before you woke I wondered if I was the right parent to be here for you, for this. . .your ma has always been better at words, at knowing what to say and when. And, me, well, the words come and go, but I’ve always been more of a doer anyways.
Makoto meant something to you that trying to capture that with words seems cheap - almost disrespectful. And now, you’ve got to prepare to have little Eijirou without him and it's more than cliches and missing pieces. This loss, Suka, its too many feelings, too many thoughts. And also none at all - the tidal wave, the rain, and a wall. Shit, Suka, I don’t even know if I’m doing the right thing by you. Just know I’m here and I ain’t leavin’ unless you send me away and even then I’m not sure I’d go, walk away from you like this, not without a fight at least.”
Taishiro stopped, feeling his throat grow tight and his mouth dry as his eyes locked onto Asuka’s - tawny and tear-filled, half-lidded from exhaustion and emotion. Her bottom lip quivered worse than the first time she’d been bucked off a horse.
“Da, I know I haven’t always been the easiest. I’m stubborn and headstrong, often too bullheaded for my own good, but there’s a part of me that will always need you. I need you, Da. I feel lost, so absolutely gone. I can’t tell which way is up. My mind is flyin’ in a million directions, but my heart, dad, my heart its so beyond broken. It don’t even feel like mine anymore. I don’t feel like me anymore.”
She trailed off, inhaling sharply before continuing.
“But, I gotta be that’s the thing. Eijirou will be here just after the harvest. There’s no time to fall apart. I’ve got a partner to bury. I’ve got a job to finish. And, I’ve got to make myself ready to be Eijirou’s mama. Where in there is any time to feel this? Like, really sit with it, understand it bone deep, then make peace with it? How do I continue to carry our son and carry this, too?”
Taishiro opened his mouth to respond, but the doors to the room whirred and slid apart before he could fully collect himself. The flash of Kaina’s indigo and violet hair came into view first, a bright shock of color in a world that had otherwise dulled to shades of gray. Purple eyes locked onto golden ones then drifted down to tawny ones. Not a single set lacked reddened rims. The delicate skin swollen and pulsing from the sheer emotion that each person had felt and shed freely. No one spoke freely for several minutes.They all simply watched one another, inhaled, exhaled, and existed.
Kaina moved on instinct and perhaps impulse - her quick, sharp steps hastening across the tile. Kaina leaned into Asuka’s space where the blonde woman rested in her father’s arms. Their foreheads touched and for several drawn-out seconds all the two women did was breath. Kaina broke first. Her sobs started soft and then steadily grew in volume. Asuka lightly patted her father’s forearm as her own tears began to overflow. Taishiro took a step back and Kaina moved to rush forward again, but Asuka held up her hand as her father set her down on her own two feet again. The older man stepped back, nodding solemnly at Asuka, and then resumed his careful watch from before. Taishiro sat in the too-small hospital chair, moving ever so slightly to make some attempt at comfort in a piece of furniture designed for anything but, and pulled his hat slightly over his eyes to hide the quiet tears that continued to forge tracks along his skin.
Making quick work of rearranging the cords and tubing for her IV and other monitoring devices, Asuka carefully climbed back into the hospital bed. The omega was but a moment from being settled when a set of arms slid around her torso and pulled her back against their chest. Asuka’s breath caught, a shuddering sigh shaking loose from her chest, as she settled into Kaina’s arms. A break in Kaina’s sobs lulled them both into a sort of disjointed silence and peace.
Almost like the eye of a storm.
The thought came and went. Asuka wondered if she held as still as possible, perhaps even held her breath, if the calm they were shallowly basking in would stay - become a permanent thing that they each can tether themselves to.
Asuka’s stomach slightly distended beneath Kaina’s hand causing both women to look down, watching in awe as the skin rippled and rolled with Eijirou’s movement. The movement stopped then resumed. A moment passed and the movement finally settled. Kaina hooked her chin over Asuka’s shoulder, her tears still running freely, as she tried to speak.
“I’m not going to tell you that it’s going to be okay and I’m not going to say I’m sorry, Asuka. Harsh as that it is we both know that cliches and platitudes piss you off even when you’re in the best of moods. They’re cheap and they rot us from within because all they do is keep us chasing this goal post of ‘when it's over’ or ‘when we’re better’ - ‘when the grieving is done.” But, the truth is that you will grieve forever. There will be no magical point of getting over this - of getting over. . .him. You will find some way to live with it, Suki. You’ll do like you’ve always done - you’ll heal and you’ll rebuild yourself around the loss. And, in time, you might be whole again, but you will never be the same. But, you wouldn’t wanna be, Suki.”
Kaina paused, chewing her bottom lip, as she considered her next words. Asuka, oddly, remained silent, offering no push back, and that alone should concern Kaina, but nothing was typical or normal, not right now.
“Suki, some things can’t be fixed. They can really only be carried. And, with grief like yours, stemming from a love like yours, between you and Makoto, that can only be carried.”
Turning, Asuka craned her neck slightly to look at Kaina. Her lashes fluttered as another wave of tears streamed down her face. She felt the sorrow building - both inferno and tidal wave - within her. There was no doubt in Asuka’s mind that once this loss fully set in, the weight and emotion of it, that her grief would both burn through her and simultaneously wash away everything else in its wake. She found herself grateful, in the moment, for the reprieve that shock allowed her. Tucking and untucking a strand of hair behind her ear, Asuka started and stopped several times. Half words fell from her lips before she decided to get out of her own way and say what she felt compelled to say before the emotion of it consumed her. This was Kaina after all. They’ve survived med school and residency together. They’ll survive this, too, somehow.
“Ki, I’m not sure how much you know or even how much you want to know. But, I laid there. I watched as the life left him and could do nothing. And, now, I am left with this visceral and raw thing that tries every moment that I am awake to claw its way out of me. I have Eijirou. I have you and I have family. But, I had spent so much of the last few years believing I would have him, too. That I could have Makoto, too, despite all the loss, the hurt, and the death that seeps into our lives because of what we do - what we chose to do. That in spite of it all, the roots that anchored themselves into the lives of those around us would spare us the same hurt, the same loss. . .”
Asuka’s words halted. A sentence abruptly ended as a wretched wail tears itself from the center of her.
“The same death, Kaina. We were naive. It's been a lifetime already and yet no time at all. The absence of him is like the ocean, like the sky, it spreads over everything. It's all encompassing. Ki, no one told me that grief would feel so much like fear and also so much like madness. Why am I so afraid? How do I lose him and not lose myself, too?”
Kaina lifted Asuka slightly, shifting the other woman’s upper body toward her, so that they could look one another in the eyes as they continued to speak. Kaina became astutely aware of their surroundings - she took in the sounds of Taishiro’s exhaustion emanating from him, the incessant beeping of medical devices attached to Asuka and stationed across the room, and her own rapidly beating heart.
“Suki, what you're feeling is its own madness much like falling in love in the first place is its own madness. Don’t you see the mirror of it? How they are two sides of one coin? What you are feeling is as immense as it is because of how profound the love between you and Makoto was. Would you trade all that you have had to avoid the hurt that you are experiencing now? No, I know you wouldn’t. There are no pretty words. There are no good ways for goodbyes. They just are. Loss happens and in its wake there is an ache that never quite settles, but you’ll survive because you’re you and because you have to. Even if you didn’t have Eijirou, you’d have to - to keep going - moving forward and through it even when you feel like you can’t..”
Asuka moved slightly, angling so that she could rest her head against Kaina’s chest. The tears were constant. Her eyes burned and her body ached.
“What do I do, Ki? What comes next? They’ll send another nurse in here and she’ll take my vitals and she’ll assess Eijirou. And, then what?”
Kaina interrupted.
“You go home, Asuka. You lean into what the next few months will bring. And, you write. I haven’t seen your guitar in months. Pull that bitch out and write. Sling and strum those strings until your fingers bleed if it lessens the ache in your chest any. You hurt and you heal. You prepare to nurture Eijirou while nurturing yourself. Lean into it. You let your ma plan you a baby shower. You show up. You smile in the pictures. You cry in the pictures. You live through the happy and the hurt. Suki, your old man didn’t drive a couple hundred miles overnight just to walk away when you all leave here. He’d carry you home in his arms if he had to. Let the people still Earth side sit with and support you. We may not be who you want, especially right now, but we’re who you got. I love you, Asuka. I need you to remember that for when the ugly comes because it’ll come and often when you least expect it. For now, just rest. Please.”
Asuka clung to her friend. Her tawny eyes occasionally glanced across the room to her father, who steadfast as he was, looked just about as shaken as Asuka felt. To those who didn’t know or weren’t familiar with Taishiro Toyomitsu they would look at his large frame squeezed into that cold, plastic chair and simply see a father, exhausted, but sitting with his daughter as she reeled from her life being torn apart by grief. But, Asuka would be a piss poor daughter if she didn’t recognize the telltale signs for what they were. The man’s jaw was too tight, his neck too stiff, and he hadn't wandered off to get some of that ‘good ole hospital coffee.’ Taishiro was just as neck deep in this shit as she was. And, normally Asuka would be angry with herself for finding some relief in her dad hurting, too, but right now she couldn’t be alone in this. She’s not sure she’d ever be able to sit with this one alone.
Time continued to pass. The tears eventually ran out. Their bodies no longer able to keep up with the emotion pushing past the seams. Another nurse eventually came. This one Asuka knew, vaguely. But, the other omega’s name was lost to her as she sank further into exhaustion and emotion once more. She swore she heard Ryuko in the hall several times, but never determined if she’d actually heard her mentor or only imagined it. Asuka functioned on autopilot - offered her hand and arm for labs to be drawn, sipped slowly from water offered to her, adjusted to the hospital bed once Kaina left, and nodded along with everyone who spoke to her. She gave up trying to actually hear them hours ago. Asuka realized she’d stopped acknowledging the sliding doors opening or responding with any real thought when she offered her arm automatically to the person standing next to her hospital bed only for her mother to sidle up next to her.
Shizuka Toyomitsu, ever the saint, didn’t say anything, just offered a soft, somber smile. Asuka blinked, slowly at first, then more rapidly when the tears returned. Despite her vision blurring, Asuka reached out until she clasped her mother’s hands in her own. The blonde didn’t speak, just moved to lean her head against her mother’s shoulder. But, Shizuka lightly gripped her daughter’s shoulders and pulled the younger woman against her chest. She tucked Asuka’s head underneath her chin and slowly ran her fingers through tangled blonde hair. Shizuka did this with intention and it made an emotion that Asuka couldn’t quite place burn through her chest. Shizuka cleared her throat bringing Asuka’s internal struggle to an unexpected end. The older woman continued to comfort her daughter. When Shizuka spoke, her words were soft, so Asuka felt the movement of them in her mother’s chest long before she truly processed what Shizuka said.
“It’s time, Asuka. Let’s go home.”
And, so she did. Asuka went. She departed from the cramped installation that she had called home for the better part of two years with little fanfare.
Word got back to the Echo Valley citizens, and quickly spread across the bramble groves and golden fields until all of Dry Creek township and the Stillwater county knew that the youngest Toyomitsu girl was coming home. A community that hadn’t seen the likes of Asuka Toyomitsu in almost fifteen years braced for impact. Every dust bowl town within thirty miles could never have prepared for the sidewinder that Asuka had become. Except that Asuka’s entrance felt less like an F5 and more like a swift summer breeze that hinted at thunderstorms to come. She rolled in, sitting in the front seat in her father’s old truck, empty car seat strapped safely in the back. The folks who had gathered to welcome her home, or to gossip, one could never tell, dispersed quicker than bunkhouse boys after the season’s first pay. The looks on Asuka, Shizuka, and Taishiro’s faces must have soured their small town hospitality. Asuka hooked the car seat on one arm and crossed the yard. She ascended the porch without a word. The only sound being the creak of the porch floorboards as Eijirou’s carseat knocked against Asuka’s hip.
From that day forward, it seemed like the days and weeks that came filled themselves with silence and sleepless nights. As the weeks blurred into months, the silence twisted into screaming and swearing. Everyone said that it's a process, so Asuka was trying to trust that. She leaned into her people, took what Kaina said to heart. Shizuka accompanied her to her prenatal visits. She kept busy by helping her dad around the farm. Kaina didn’t visit much, but that was to be expected. Asuka read to Eijirou. She played her guitar and tried to write something, anything to dull the ache in her chest. She cried, god, did she cry. She yelled at the sky with clenched fists. Asuka sat outside in the summer storms, belly round, toes dug deep in fertile soil.
The baby shower came and went. Kaina and her ma planned the whole thing, bless their hearts. Asuka smiled in the pictures and cried in the kitchen pass through.
Fall crept in quietly behind the tail of summer, a very hot summer. Asuka packed and repacked her and Eijirou’s hospital bags. She left the Crimson Riot print bag, intended for Makoto, in the closet. She prepared for many things, but what Asulka had not planned for was Eijirou making an early arrival. When her water broke two weeks before Halloween, Asuka simply sighed. She stood, walking to the front porch and waited for her parents to turn toward her. Shizuka turned first - a soft gasp and slight nod signaling she understood. Asuka watched as her ma tied her soft, silver-blonde hair up into a top knot before nudging her da who had fallen asleep in his chair. Taishiro jolted then glanced between mother and daughter. A moment passes before it clicks. Taishiro’s gasp was a bit more pronounced than Shizuka’s, but all he said was, “It’s time. I’ll grab the bags while y’all get in the truck.”
Despite the pain amping up with the ever-increasing intensity of her contractions, Asuka managed to make it across the drive and into the truck before her da returned with the bags. Asuka fought a shuddering sob as she realized that her da had placed her and Eijirou’s bags down in the Crimson Riot one, likely to make them easier to carry. The tears came steadily after that. If asked, she would blame her pain.The drive to and her arrival at the hospital two counties over blurred together. Asuka felt like she blinked and the front porch she’d known since she was knee-high became the sterile four walls of a labor and delivery unit room.
Asuka blinked again. This time, tightening her grip on the bed rail, eyes fluttering and remaining closed as she grit her teeth so much her jaw ached. She exhaled, focused on her ma’s calming voice in her ear and the shuffle of her da’s boots pacing the tile in the hall as she pushed. Half a breath sawed between clenched teeth and another set of pushes had Asuka’s eyes opening wide. A soft wail greeted her. The doctors placed the baby on her chest. Mother and baby haloed by fluorescent lights.
“Hello, Eijirou Kirishima.”
The boy’s surname left Asuka’s mouth as a half sob. She glanced at her own mother then down at her son as he nuzzled into her chest - his wails now soft whimpers and coos. Asuka’s lower lip wobbled as deep red looked up at her. Part of her was grateful and another part struck with a yearning - Eijirou had her eyes not Makoto’s. She gazed down at Eijirou - noticing how he had a shock of jet black hair and tiny, pinched eyebrows just like Makoto. Gaze softened by tears, Asuka turned her head just as her father entered the room. Her eyes locked with both parents as she shook her head.
“I can’t do this.”
A nurse gasped before trying to hide the noise with a cough as she quickly exited the room. Taishiro and Shizuka moved closer to the bed where Asuka cradled Eijirou against her chest. Shizuka reached over her daughter, assisting her as Eijirou fussed in his attempt to nurse. He began to feed quietly as Asuka’s tears became more pronounced. Taishiro sat beside the bed and clasped his hand over Asuka’s shoulder.
“Suka, it's gonna be hard, but we’re here. You’ve got me and your ma. You’ve got Kaina.”
A wounded noise left Asuka. Her chest heaved, jostling Eijirou. Shizuka helped steady them both as she weighed her words.
“Asuka, your emotions are raw. Nerves fraught. Hormones amok. Give it a good Toyomitsu-try and if you can’t, truly can’t, your da and I will take Eijirou.”
Asuka nodded, face fallen and forlorn. Their time in the hospital was brief. Asuka returned to the family farm with Eijirou in tow. Time passed as it often does and the days filled themselves with morning routines, afternoon outings, and evening responsibilities. But, the more Eijirou grew, the more he resembled his father and despite having distinct features from Asuka, like her eyes, the resemblance to his father weighed too heavily on his mother.
Winter was harsh. The cold kept the Toyomitsus tucked into their farmhouse, tending to the livestock as needed, but unable to travel far from the homestead. The time inside left Asuka with her thoughts and one thing led to another, so when the frost began to thaw and spring slowly pushed through the cracks, Taishiro and Shizuka came back from the market to find Asuka sat on top of a stack of trunks piled on the porch. The older couple could see Eijirou swaying in his baby swing through the mesh of the screendoor, asleep, blissfully unaware of what the next few moments would mean for the rest of his life.
No words were exchanged. No words could capture the emotion of the moment. There was no closure to be had, just prolonged hugs and forehead kisses. “I love you” and “I will miss you” were understood. It didn’t need to be said.
A moving truck pulled into the drive, gravel spun lightly under its tires. A small black sedan followed shortly behind. A man exited the black car as a set of movers began clearing Asuka’s belongings from the porch. The man approached Asuka, took note of the tears in her eyes, and the crestfallen faces of her parents, before clearing his throat.
“Specialist Toyomitsu, are you ready?”
Asuka gripped each of her parents' hands, kissing the backs of their hands and knuckles, trying to pour everything into the last few moments she had with them. A whimper came from inside the house. Everyone paused and the whimpers grew into a soft cry. Asuka refused to look back. She moved quickly toward the black sedan. The man followed alongside after a brief bow to her parents. The elder Toyomitsus caught phrases and half-sentences about flights to the southwest and Pacific northwest. Shizuka wiped her eyes and nodded once. The nod more for herself than anyone else. She wiped her hands across her dress and headed up the steps and into the house. The older woman returned to stand by Taishiro, Eijirou held in the crook of her arm with a bottle in his mouth, as they watched the two vehicles grow smaller as they ambled down their long drive. Shizuka’s smaller hand found Taishiro’s larger, more weathered one. Their fingers intertwined and their collective sigh drifted away with the early spring breeze. With the taillights fading further, the two turned to head back inside, a dozen tasks demanding their attention at once, but a grating sound caused them to pause and remain rooted in the drive. A car approached from the end of the drive and for a moment they held their breath wondering if Asuka changed her mind, but as the vehicle drew closer they realized their daughter’s decision was final and they had a guest.
Shizuka started to school her face when a shock of blonde hair popped out from the passenger seat with a large bag slung over her shoulder. She nodded, bowed briefly, as she offered the bag to Taishiro.
“My brat can’t keep up with what I produce and it would be a shame if it went to waste. I heard your girl was leaving. Thought maybe you could use it.”
Taishiro took the bag. The blonde woman bowed briefly once more and returned to her car. A man with brunette hair and glasses, slowly backed up, turned the car around in the drive, and as he began down the drive once more, Shizuka and Taishiro caught sight of a car seat secured in the back. Shizuka felt confused for a moment before glancing over at Taishiro to peek inside the bag. Noticing his wife’s interest in the bag’s contents, Taishiro opened the bag slightly to reveal dozens of freezer bags of what could only be breastmilk. Taishiro smiled, soft and sad, as he asked, “Was that the Bakugous?”
Shizuka dissolved into sobs as she nodded.
“I think it was.”
And for the first time that day, Shizuka felt the tension begin to ease from her body. And as her body relaxed, she thought to herself:
We just might make it after all.