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It’s not cold enough for the heating in the university to be put on, so Ethan is glad to have his jacket as he slides into his seat next to Ilsa Faust, who scoots aside, casting him a weary glance. “You’re certainly… punctual”.
He grins at her, a faint blush warming bis cheeks despite the cool classroom they’re in. “Well, what can I say? I was running late from the last lecture - I didn’t know anyone could talk about galaxy formation for as long as Professor Carter does, but here we are”.
All he gets in response is a hm from Ilsa, who glances to the professor standing at the blackboard, waiting for the class to quiet down. Ethan reaches into his bag and grabs his textbook, pens and paper, quickly placing them on his desk before he too turns his attention to the front of the room.
“Now that I have all your attention”, Professor Hanaway begins, and Ethan settles back in his chair, one arm slung over the back of it as he glances over at Ilsa, who is watching the Professor attentively. “We’re going on a brief excursion today. Since all of you here are studying Astrophysics, I think it’s important if you are all aware of current political situations regarding space, instead of just the dry, theoretical side of Cosmology”.
Professor Hanaway pulls out a stack of paper from a drawer in his desk, and hands a copy to a person sitting in the front row. “Mr. Brandt, hand these out please, will you?”
As the young man starts wandering through the class, distributing copies as he goes, Professor Hanaway returns to the blackboard and starts speaking again.
“The copies you will receive are a summary of the current situation, as well as the history, of our battle against the Tharsians”.
Ethan leans forward, suddenly interested in what his teacher has to say. This is certainly a topic he prefers to Hanaway’s regular classes on stellar physics - less factual, more real. But as he straightens his back and shuffles his chair closer to his desk, he notices something strange in the way Ilsa is sitting next to him.
Her back is completely straight, shoulders tense, her expression hard to read - part fear, part grief, part something that if Ethan had to guess, he would probably call almost anger or frustration.
Frowning slightly, he leans forward, tapping her shoulder lightly. “Hey, what’s wrong?”, he whispers, noting the way that she pauses before answering. “Nothing”, she answers quietly, before turning her attention back to Professor Hanaway.
“As you know, a few years back, when we were exploring Mars for the first time, we came across the ancient ruins of a city we named Tharsis. It was packed with impressive technology - things that humans will probably only start being able to develop once we’re all long since dead and buried. We initially believed this place to be abandoned, though that later turned out to be false when the inhabitants of this city, now known to us as Tharsians, came out and attacked the astronauts exploring, killing most of them. Nevertheless, the expedition continued. Now, the United Nations are putting together the crew for the next mission - a specially sanctioned expedition to try and figure out what the Tarsians are, where they come from, and how they are capable of creating such, well, unbelievable technology”.
Hanaway pauses, his gaze wandering around the class seated in front of him. For a moment, it’s almost like his eyes linger on Ilsa for a second longer, before they wander on, and he continues talking.
“So now, slowly but surely, the new team of people that have been selected for this mission are preparing. The launch is scheduled to be by the end of the month. As you can imagine, with the way the last mission turned out, the UN are reluctant to send out a small force, let alone one without proper means of defending itself. So, they are beginning test runs on so-called Tracers, the build of which you can find on the back of your paper”.
Ethan looks down at the sheet in front of him, quickly turning it around to find a rough composition sketch of a small, robotic spacesuit. It definitely looks like a practical tool to have in space - room for one person, with human-like features and abilities. The build looks impressive too - small and sleek, easy to use, perfect for quick manoeuvring and fast space-based combat.
But when he glimpses over to the side, he notices that Ilsa hasn’t turned her sheet at all, instead staring at it blankly, like it’ll swallow her whole if she just stares hard enough.
He reaches out again, placing a hand firmly on her shoulder and giving it a little shake. “What’s going on?”, he asks, trying to keep quiet but still bring the message across that he’s there for her. “Are you not feeling well? I can walk you back home after class, if you-“
“I’m fine”, she whispers back angrily, twisting out of his grip and focusing her attention back on Professor Hanaway, who’s still talking. With a sigh, Ethan follows her example, turning back to the blackboard, vowing to ask Ilsa later what her problem is.
Ilsa is so lost in her thoughts that she barely notices Benji Dunn drop into the seat opposite her, pushing a beer towards her. “D’you know if Luther and Ethan are coming today?”, he asks, taking a big sip of beer, as he slumps into his chair with a long, content sigh.
She shrugs, unconsciously reaching for her beer and rubbing her thumb up and down the neck of the bottle. “Luther probably. I don’t know about Ethan.”
Almost like he can sense something in her tone of voice, Benji looks up at her, eyebrows raised. “Did something happen? Usually, if it’s Ethan, you’re the one that knows with almost a hundred percent certainty what he’s doing or thinking.”
She shrugs again, taking a sip of her beer, trying to avoid his gaze, which is boring into her.
“You had a fight, didn’t you?”, Benji gloats, taking another sip from his bottle. “We didn’t”, Ilsa sighs, setting down her beer to massage her temples gently. “Mhm”, comes the answer, followed by a long period of silence.
“Well, whatever it is, please don’t let it ruin the night. With all the exams coming up, this’ll probably be the last time the four of us can meet like this”, he murmurs. When Ilsa looks up, he’s eyeing her weirdly, but before she can say anything, the door to the bar swings open and Luther and Ethan enter, laughing loudly.
Ethan’s eyes instantly meet hers, and despite how she’d been acting in class, his mouth quirks up in a smile as he raises his hand to greet her. She gives him a quick smile back, before scooting over to make space for Ethan to put his chair.
He and Luther join the table, bantering loudly with Benji before he and Luther head to the counter to get beers. Once alone, Ethan leans closer to her, taking her hand in his.
“Are you okay?”, he asks quietly. “I’m sorry about Hanaway’s class, I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable or something like that - I just thought you looked like you weren’t feeling well, so I-“
“It’s fine”, Ilsa lies smoothly, placing her hand on top of Ethan’s.
She’ll tell him. She will. She just can’t right now, in the middle of their bar, with Luther and Benji right there. That’s a conversation they have to have when it’s just the two of them.
“I don’t know what got into me. I think it’s just-“ she cuts off, shrugging. “I don’t know. It’s hard to explain”.
Ethan tilts his head at her, looking confused. “What is it?”
She smiles at him, shaking her head. “I’ll tell you later, okay?”
For a moment, it looks almost like he’ll protest, but by that time, Benji and Luther are already coming back to the table, armed with two more beers and a portion of crisps.
“Now, what are you two whispering about?”, Benji teases, elbowing Ethan playfully as Luther snorts, sliding one of the beers over. “Nothing”, Ilsa murmurs, taking a sip of her drink, hoping that the blush she can feel isn’t visible.
For the rest of the night, she mostly sits there in silence, barely speaking aside from a few interjections here and there. All she does is sit there, taking occasional sips from her beer, sometimes reaching to take a crisp and eat it quickly. She can feel Ethan’s eyes on her, shooting her concerned glances every few minutes that she tries to ignore.
It’s almost like the others can sense that she’s not in really the mood to stay out long, because it’s not long past midnight when Benji yawns loudly, casting a glance at the clock. “Well I never. I don’t know about you guys, but I will be heading back home now. I need to get some sleep.”
Luther shrugs, getting up to follow him. “I’ll pay. See you all on Monday.”
Ilsa watches the two men leave the bar in silence, not quite daring to look at Ethan yet. She can sense his eyes on her, but it’s only when the door is shut behind Luther and Benji that she turns to face him.
“So”, he murmurs quietly, leaning towards her in a way that makes her heart skip a beat. “What was up in class today?”
She hesitates, her eyes scanning the bar, taking in all the people. It can’t be here. She doesn’t know how Ethan will react to the news, but she doesn’t want to risk causing a scene. “Let’s go outside, walk a bit”, she answers, reaching behind her chair to pick up her jacket.
He follows suit, and they are quick to exit the bar and escape into the cool air, already promising the autumnal weather that’s soon to come. They walk a bit in silence, not looking at each other. Ilsa’s gaze wanders up to the sky above them, taking in the bright moon, the stars scattered across the night sky like tiny specks of white on a dark canvas.
In not too much time, she’ll be there too, far enough away that the Earth is a tiny spot in the distance, barely distinguishable from the stars she can see now.
She has to tell Ethan. She has to. She can’t leave him without letting him know. Especially since she doesn’t know when she’ll be back.
So, without further ado, she turns to face him. “Ethan”, she says, her voice close to breaking as she does so.
He turns to face her instantly. “Yeah?”
For a moment, she debates telling him that it’s nothing, saying anything more convenient, less hurtful, but she knows that at some point she has to tell him. “The new mission that we were talking about with Professor Hanaway? The one with the people that the UN selected to figure out more about the Tarsians?”
He must have some idea about what she’s about to say to him. His expression shifts slightly as he steps closer to her. “Yes? What about it?”
It’s almost causing her physical pain. She can feel the words stuck in her throat, and needs a moment to be able to force them out.
“I’ve been selected for it”.
For a second, it’s almost like the world goes silent around Ethan, shrinking until it’s only a small bubble with him and Ilsa in it. He stares at her, partially wanting her to repeat what she just said so he’s sure he heard it, partially wanting her not to so that he can pretend like she never said it, like this isn’t happening.
She steps towards him, tears in her eyes, and cups his face in her hands, her mouth opening as she takes a shaky breath. “Ethan. Do you understand? I’m going. I have to. I-“
She cuts off sharply, turning to the side as she starts shaking uncontrollably. He doesn’t even have to see her face to know that she’s crying, and that is the first time he realises that she’s not lying, that she’s really leaving, and that the chance of them ever seeing each other again is getting smaller and smaller.
Ilsa is sinking to the ground in front of him, and he drops down next to her, pulling her closer. She buries her face in his neck, and he feels her tears against his neck as she cries, holding onto him tightly.
“I’m sorry”, she whispers over and over again, while Ethan stays silent, hoping that she doesn’t notice that he’s crying too.
Autumn is fully there the next time he sees Ilsa again. She hasn’t been coming to class much, which he understands - her mission is starting soon, and she needs to start properly preparing.
Professor Hanaway had pulled him aside after class one day, and told him that she wouldn’t be coming anymore, that the time she’d been given to say her goodbyes was up, that she needs to start training for when she leaves Earth. He’d nodded, not trusting his voice, and Hanaway had placed his arm around Ethan’s shoulder, and said that he was sorry.
Luther and Benji had had similar reactions to the news. He’d had to tell them the news, and watched before his eyes as they processed it. It was one of several moments in that time that he felt anger towards Ilsa, frustration as to why she hadn’t told him or the others earlier, why she hadn’t said something from the beginning before he got close to her.
He’d had that feeling again in class, and is still feeling pretty pissed when he leaves, not staying to chat with anyone. In fact, he’s so caught up in his bad mood that he doesn’t see her, leaning against the wall across the hall from the classroom, scanning the crowd of students leaving the room as she chews her lip nervously.
It’s only when she runs after him, calling his name, that he comes out of his haze, turning in surprise as she comes to a stop in front of him.
“Ethan, hi”, she says, blushing slightly, breathing quickly. For a second he just stares at her. She hasn’t been gone for long, just over two weeks, but she looks different. It’s not a particularly noticeable change, but he can see it instantly - something in the way she’s carrying herself, like she’s more conscious of what she looks like and how she’s acting.
“Hi”, he answers tentatively, eyeing her with a touch of resignation. He doesn’t want to be too warm to her, get too close again - he knows that she’s leaving soon, so why bother getting attached again? Mentally, he’s already distancing himself from her, taking a step back.
But when he sees her face fall ever so slightly, he can’t stop himself from stepping closer and pulling her into a hug. She relaxes instantly, wrapping her arms around him tightly as she tucks her face into his neck. His hand subconsciously wanders up to her shoulders, before it cups the back of her head, fingers softly brushing her hair as she sighs, tightening her arms around him.
Ethan doesn’t know how long they stand like that, wrapped around each other. At some point, Ilsa loosens her grip slightly, stepping back from him. She still leaves her hands on his shoulders, but he can sense that she’s tensing up again, like she needs to leave soon.
And that’s when he realises - this must be her final goodbye, the last time they’ll see each other before she goes on her mission. She must see that he knows, because her face drops and he can see her deflate in front of him.
“I’m sorry”, she murmurs softly, shaking her head. “I would have come by earlier, it’s just… hard to fit it in. I know, it sounds like an excuse, but we just don’t get a lot of free time”. She hesitates briefly. “I haven’t seen my parents in a while either - I’m going to see them this afternoon. I just wanted to give you this”.
She reaches into her bag, and pulls out a phone from it, handing it to him. “They gave us these to give out to our loved ones. They can still send messages over the distance, however long it might be”.
Ethan takes it from her, tucking it firmly into his bag. “My number is in it, but you can use it for any number, really”, Ilsa adds, wringing her hands nervously.
“Thanks”, he murmurs. The silence between them is long and almost uncomfortable. He doesn’t know what else to say to her, and it looks like she has the same problem.
After a beat, Ilsa shrugs, sighing deeply. “I should probably get going then. You must have other classes to go to”.
They hug again, shorter and with less fervour than when he’d first seen her. She lets her hand linger on his cheek for a moment, before placing a kiss there. “I’ll text you, okay?”, she whispers, and all he manages is a nod before she’s turning around, vanishing into the crowd of students.
Sent 27.10.1992 09:46
Hi Ethan, how are you?
We’re preparing the last few things for the spaceship before we board tomorrow. They’re still figuring out how many rations and how much fuel and so they need to send up with us, since we’ll also be restocking supplies for the Lysithea. I just wanted to make sure to text you before we left, since I’ll be busy most of today and probably not have time to do much before we launch tomorrow.
How are you? How are classes going? It must be starting to get pretty cold now that it’s almost November. It’s pretty warm here, but we’re close to the equator right now, so that’s to be expected.
I hope that you’re doing well. Tell Luther and Benji I said hi.
Lots of Love,
Ilsa
Expected Delivery 27.10.1992 09:48
He hears his phone ring in the middle of the lesson, and has to physically stop himself from reaching into his bag and read the message. It takes almost all he has to focus on the lesson and wait until he’s outside in the hall to check the phone.
As his eyes scan the text, he can’t stop a sad smile forming on his lips. He’ll text back later, but first, he has to get to his next class. So, he slips the phone back into his bag and follows the flow of students to Professor Carter’s course on galaxy formation.
Sent 27.10.1992 20:53
Hello Ilsa.
I’m good, thanks for asking. School’s going well - same as before you left. It’s starting to get cold here, but probably not as cold as you’d expect.
Luther and Benji are good. Stressing about exams mostly, so we don’t see each other that often, but it’s okay. It’s usually just two of us spending time together, which kinda sucks, but there’s nothing we can do about it.
I don’t know if you’ll see this before you’re on your way up to space, but if you do, I hope that the launch goes well. I’ll probably read about it in the newspaper either way, and Hanaway seems to have made it his mission to keep us updated since you left.
Anyway, good luck with the launch. Let me know once you’re up on the Lysithea, if everything goes well.
Good luck, and a good arrival!
Ethan
Expected Delivery 27.10.1992 20:57
It’s late - or early, depending what way you look at it. Ilsa’s internal clock still hasn’t adjusted to the time difference between Florida and Oxford, and since she would still be awake back home, she’s having trouble falling asleep.
She knows that she should be resting, gathering energy so that she’s not too tired during the launch. But between the jet lag and the fear coiling in her stomach, it’s hard to fall asleep.
The thought that tomorrow, at this time, she’ll already be on a spaceship heading further and further away from Earth scares her. The thought of leaving her home behind, of possibly never seeing her friends or family again is always present in her mind, has been for the past few years, ever since she found out that she had been selected for this.
She’d had the choice, of course. She could have enrolled in training straight away, the way she knows some people had. But she’d wanted at least the semblance of normalcy for as long as she could, so that’s what she’d done - continued going to school, passed her finals, enrolled in university, studied there for a bit over two years until her deadline had arrived and she’d been forced to start her training.
Looking back, she wishes she’d chosen differently. She could have started her training after graduation, spent more time with her family. Of course, she would have regretted never meeting Ethan, Luther and Benji, but it would also be saving her a lot of heartache.
She rolls over in her bed, before sitting up with a sigh, her eyes scanning the room. She’s sharing it with three other people that were chosen, all of whom seem to be sleeping soundly. So, with a sigh, she reaches for her phone, wanting to get another message out to her parents before morning, before she’s on a spaceship heading away from home.
Just as she’s about to start writing, she notices a new message.
Ethan.
She opens it, needing several attempts to finish it as the tears start pooling in her eyes, threatening to spill. She can answer in the morning, she decides, dropping the phone onto the bed next to her as she presses her face into the pillow, muffling the sobs wracking her body.
Sent 28.10.1992 19:35
Hi Ethan! Thanks for your message.
The launch went well. I didn’t experience much of it since me and the other people that were chosen were sitting in a seperate compartment of the spaceship, but I’m sure it went smoothly.
The crew of the Lysithea were pretty happy to see us. They must have been up there for quite a while, so it must be nice to see new faces. The resources transfer worked too, which is good. We should have supplies for the next thirty years at least, though I hope to have finished my part of the mission by then.
It’s fascinating actually being up in space. Thank goodness the gravity on the spaceship works like on Earth, because I don’t think I could handle floating around weightlessly like Professor Lei said we might!
We’re all getting a tour of the ship tomorrow, as well as instructions and briefings on how we’ll be proceeding. Then, we’ll be heading to Mars for some practical training, before it’s onwards, into the galaxy.
How is it back home though? You must be starting to write exams too soon, right? You’ll have to let me know how they go and what your grades are - though considering how smart you are, they should be no problem.
I hope you’re doing well, and that Luther and Benji are too. Make sure to say hi from me to the class next time Hanaway mentions the mission!
Lots of Love,
Ilsa
Expected Delivery 28.10.1992 20:48
Luther smiles as he reads the message from Ilsa, before handing the phone back to Ethan. “Good to hear from her. When you text her back, tell her I said hi, okay?”
Ethan nods, tucking the phone back into his jacket pocket. He’s glad that the launch went well, even if this means that Ilsa is gone now. The message had arrived late two nights ago, but he’d been too tired to read it, and too busy preparing for his theoretical physics exam to read it the day after. But now that he’s written it, he’s free to do as he pleases, so he’d called Luther to see if he had time, and they’d met in their regular bar.
It’s good to see Luther again. They talk for a bit, but the absence of both Ilsa and Benji weighs heavily between them, and they both retire back to their dorms soon after.
Sent 31.10.1992 00:13
Hi Ilsa.
It’s good to hear that it all went well. Being up in space must be fascinating - seeing all the constellations we learned about up close, and doing actual research and work up there. I’m definitely jealous!
Let me know once you get to Mars. It’s a shame that we can’t send pictures via text messages, otherwise you could send me one so that I can see what it looks like. But I’m sure that you’ll be able to describe it well too.
We just wrote our first exam - theoretical physics. It went well, but that was to be expected because we had more than enough time to prepare. I’m sorry I didn’t write back sooner, but I was busy reviewing the course material.
Luther says hi. We met up today at the bar and I showed him your message. He said it was good to hear from you. Benji wasn’t there - he’s very busy studying at the moment. It didn’t really feel the same without you two, so we left earlier.
I hope you’re doing well.
Ethan
Expected Delivery 31.10.1992 16:47
Like she does a lot these days, Ilsa is curled up in her bunk, crying quietly. She’d been told be several crew members that this part, these first few days, are always the worst, that at some point she won’t want to go back home and rather stay on the ship, but it still doesn’t make her feel any better.
She’d just come off a call with her parente back home. The official channels are offering those for now, but once they get further from Earth, she’ll have to resort to text messages.
She misses home. She misses feeling the fresh air, the different temperatures, walking through the hallways at university or through her parent’s house. She misses just reaching for her phone and calling Ethan and the others, and then slipping on her shoes and coat and wandering out to their bar to meet them. She misses the food, the people, the air, the nature.
As she curls up under her blanket, wiping away her tears with the back of her hand like a child, she hears her phone ding in the nightstand drawer she’d tossed it into. Almost ashamed at the desperation she feels, she quickly yanks the drawer open and grabs her phone, opening the new message that Ethan had sent her.
Sent 31.10.1992 16:59
Hi Ethan!
It definitely is fun being in space. We haven’t had the chance to be outside the ship since for now, we’re just moving towards Mars before we pause and start some practical training in the Tracers, but we still get the views. There are also some professors on board that instruct us on some stuff, so we are in a way still getting classes, though they are less theoretical and more applied.
It’s good to hear your exam went well! Were you expecting all the questions, or was there something you hadn’t been taught like the last time you wrote an exam? And don’t worry about writing back - you need to focus on school and make sure you graduate with good marks.
Say hi back to Luther from me, and also to Benji when you next see him. And ask how their exams are going - I’d love to hear!
Good luck with your exams!
Lots of Love,
Ilsa
Expected Delivery 01.11.1992 13:04
The past few days have been exhausting for Ethan - constantly running from classroom to classroom, taking exam after exam, leaving his dorm room early in the morning and coming back late at night, only to study for the next exam.
He’s been reading and re-reading the message Ilsa had sent him over and over again, too tired to answer, and not knowing what to say even if he had the energy. It’s only when Benji and him are sitting in their bar, waiting for Luther, that he realizes he should probably send her an answer.
Benji just stares at him as he admits that she texted him but he hadn’t answered. “Why not?”, he demands, looking outraged.
Ethan shrugs, not meeting his eyes. “I think I’ve just been caught up with all the exams and so”. Benji just sighs, shaking his head. “That’s the worst reason I’ve ever heard. Of course you’re not going to feel well if you’re just studying and not doing anything else. Text her, for god’s sake. Trust me, it’ll make you feel better”.
As he says that, Luther drops into the seat next to Ethan. “What’s up now? What did he do?”
Benji shrugs. “He’s being stupid and not texting back Ilsa”. Luther rolls his eyes. “Stop being ridiculous. Just text her. Just because she’s not physically here with us anymore doesn’t mean that you just get to forget her, or erase her”.
“Yeah”, Ethan murmurs quietly. “I’m sorry”.
Luther sighs, and puts his arm around Ethan’s shoulders. “We miss her too”, he says, his voice gentle. Out of the corner of his eye, Ethan sees Benji turn away from them, biting his lip.
Sent 09.11.1992 23:16
Hi Ilsa.
I’m so sorry for not texting earlier, I don’t know what got into me.
Exams have been going well. I only have two left now, applied physical concepts and something on galaxy creation. The others were good - William got some old exams so I could use them to practice. There wasn’t anything unexpected on any of them, but I think Hanaway’s was definitely easier than the years before. Maybe he’s going soft on us.
Benji and Luther say hi. Their exams have been going well too, so that’s good.
How are you though? Do you still like being up there in space as much as before? What is the spaceship like? Are you making friends? How are classes going?
I hope you’re doing well, and I’m sorry that I didn’t answer earlier.
Ethan
Expected Delivery 11.11.1992 17:19
Ilsa is busy sorting out her notes on the Tracer she’ll be flying soon when the message arrives. A man called Lane has been instructing her on the neccesary functions and controls of the machine, and she’s been busy noting down all the important things for when they arrive on Mars and have to actually begin training in them.
It’s been her strategy these past few days - keep busy, call her parents as often as she can, try to act like she’s not still waiting for an answer from Ethan.
But when her phone dings, she knows it must be him.
Though a part of her is angry with him, she still reaches into the drawer of her nightstand and grabs the phone, quickly opening it to the message, smiling as she reads it, even though tears still pool in her eyes.
Sent 11.11.1992 17:34
Hi Ethan!
It’s good to hear that your exams are going well! Don’t worry about prioritising school - it’s good that you’re focusing on the exams, though it sounds like they are definitely going well.
Never thought I’d hear that Hanaway makes his exams easy! Though he might just feel bad for you, since the next year you’ll probably have a more difficult exam, if our mission ends up finding out something new.
I’m doing well, thanks for asking. It’s still fun being up here in space, even if it is slowly loosing it’s novelty factor. The Lysithea is good too - it’s very big, so it’s quite easy to get lost, even though they gave us layout plans. I’m getting closer with other people, too - there’s a girl called Julia who I share a room with, and I work a lot with a man called Lane. He’s quite strict, but I like him anyway, because he reminds me of Professor Hanaway a bit. We don’t have classes as much as briefings and people demonstrating stuff anymore, though that’s likely to change to more hands-on, practical stuff when we get to Mars and can leave the ship properly, which should be at some point within the next few days.
Say hi to the boys from me, and good luck with your last few exams
Lots of Love,
Ilsa
Expected Delivery 13.11.1992 22:19
Ethan’s hands are freezing, but he still clings on to his phone, reading Ilsa’s message over and over again. When looking at the date she sent it, he realises she must have answered the moment she got his message, and that thought makes guilt start to coil in his stomach.
The first trimester of his third year at university is almost over now, and though he’s excited to go on to the later stages of his studies, a part of him wishes he had Ilsa here with him.
So, he stretches his fingers a few times to get the blood circulating again, and starts typing.
Sent 14.11.1992 01:35
Hello Ilsa.
I’m glad you’re doing well. It’s interesting hearing you talk about being on a spaceship and so. I wish I was there with you, and could see all the stuff for myself, and not just hear about it in classes.
It’s good to hear that you’re making friends too, though it doesn’t surprise me at all. Is your roommate your age too? Hanaway said that they had surprisingly many younger people selected to join the mission.
We all wrote our last exam yesterday, so now it’s just waiting for the results. Well, all except for Benji - he still has one to go. But with the amount of time he’s been putting into preparing, it should go well.
How are your parents, by the way? It must be hard with the distance and all.
Anyway, I hope you’re doing well and that your mission stay fun and interesting.
Ethan
Expected Delivery 17.11.1992 21:54
“Target incoming!”, Lane’s voice echoes through Ilsa’s comm-link, and she swerves her Tracer to the left sharply, waiting until she has her eyes on the little robot flying towards her before locking her target and shooting. The shot pushes her back slightly, and she has to keep a tight grip on the controls to not go flying backwards.
“Got it”, she calls, just as the robot explodes in front of her. “Good work. Bring your Tracer back in through hatch three”, Lane answers, his voice quiet.
“Okay”, Ilsa breathes, gladly taking the controls and steering back towards the Lysithea. She’d received another message from Ethan last night, but it had been too late to answer, and she hadn’t had time in the morning because she’d had to get ready for her practical evaluation. But once she’s brought her Tracer back in, she can go back to her room and read it.
Sent 18.11.1992 14:21
Hi Ethan!
I just had my first practical evaluation in the Tracer. It’s pretty easy to control, but there are some things that don’t work the way you’d expect. Lane said that I’ll get used to them eventually, and that I’m already doing well, so it should be fine.
My roommate Julia is a similar age to me - I think she’s a bit older, but whatever. She had just got into of nursing school when she was selected, which she says is a shame, though there isn’t much we can do about it.
My parents are fine. It’s hard, but they’re letting us have unlimited calls back home for now, so I’m using them as much as I can to call them. I asked about calling you guys, but they said that they only allowed family, which sucks.
Aside from that, I’m doing fine as well. It’s still weird having to adjust to being on a spaceship and using my Tracer, but it’s starting to fall into place nicely. We have another week or so here before we move off again and properly start our mission, which is a bit jarring because this feels like the point of no return. But whatever - nobody will force us to stay on the Lysithea forever, so we should be able to return somewhat soon.
As always, take care of yourself and say hi to Luther and Benji.
Lots of Love,
Ilsa
Expected Delivery 22.11.1992 03:51
Ethan is still feeling a bit groggy, though the worst of his cold is over. He’d spent the past few days lying in bed sick, with only Luther and Benji daring to venture into his dorm room, carrying medicine, food and notes on what he was missing in class.
He’s slowly easing back into school life - copying down notes from during his absence, texting William about homework, and checking his messages to see if anyone texted him.
Ilsa had, of course. For a second, he stares at the screen, debating what to tell her of the time she’s missed. He’s been putting off texting her back, because he knew that he might go off rambling about how much he misses her if he did it while still sick.
But now he’s better and has no more excuses, so he starts writing.
Sent 25.11.1992 12:22
Hi Ilsa.
It’s good to hear from you. I’ve been sick these past few days so it probably will be a while until you get this message.
School’s good. It’s almost end of the first trimester, so we’re all doing more relaxed stuff in classes right now, which is fun.
Do you know how long you’ll be gone? Hanaway said they’d let you decide at some point, and that you can decide not to stay if you don’t want to. Maybe you could come back - it would be amazing if we could graduate together.
I think Benji and Luther think so too. They’re always asking about you, and when you’ll be back.
Anyway, I hope you’re still doing well, and that the rest of your training goes well too.
Ethan
Expected Delivery 30.11.1992 15:44
It would be amazing if we could graduate together.
Ilsa smiles sadly as she reads. She can already feel her throat closing up, and sets her phone to her side on the bed, before picking up the form Lane had given her. All it needs is her signature, then she’s in, officially part of the mission.
Though unspoken, she knows that she can’t really refuse - the chance to do that is already over, was already over the moment she stepped into the spaceship that brought her up to the Lysithea. So, she picks up the pen, signs her name on the line, avoiding looking at the date she will return to Earth.
Sent 02.12.1992 08:15
Hello Ethan.
I have some news, which is kind of good and bad, depending how you look at it. I’m one of the people that has been chosen to continue on with the mission. We’re moving out to Jupiter tomorrow evening.
It’s sad, having to leave Earth behind like this. I mean, I’ll be back at some point, but it’s still weird to think about, that soon I’ll be even further away than before.
I’ve been put on a squad too. It’s me and a few others under the control of a man named Hunley, who seems pretty nice. He’s older and definitely knows what he’s doing, which is always good.
I don’t know when we’ll be back yet, though I do hope that it’ll be before you graduate. I think either way I’ll have missed too much school to graduate at the same time as you will, but I would love to be there with you when you do.
Say hi to Benji and Luther. And Ethan - I’m sorry.
Ilsa
Expected Delivery 07.12.1992 19:31
Ethan is pretty sure that he always knew that this message would come, even if it still stings reading it. Of course she got selected - she’s not only smart, but also athletic and the kind of person that always keeps a cool head. Of course they’d want her for the mission.
As he sets down his phone, leaning back to stare at the ceiling, he wonders when he stopped waiting for her to come back.
Sent 08.01.1993 23:18
Hi Ilsa.
It’s okay, you don’t have to apologise. You’re doing what you can for the world, which is good. I mean, I’ll miss you, but you’re out there, making sure we’re all safe, so it’s good.
I’m glad you’re doing well. We all miss you. Take care of yourself.
Lots of Love,
Ethan
PS: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
Expected Delivery 03.02.1993 16:14
Ilsa has been sitting there, staring outside the viewport of the space ship at the clouds circling over Jupiter for the past hour. She’s absolutely mesmerised by this - this had been a part of her curriculum for after she’d had to leave, so she doesn’t know anything too specific about it, but she can appreciate the view anyway.
Her fingers brush over the casing of her phone. She’d almost given up waiting for an answer from Ethan, it had been that long.
Of course, she’s read his message over and over again, trying to understand the tone and meaning behind it. She thinks she’ll still give herself another day before she answers; a day to decide what to tell him, of all the things thay have happened since they last messaged each other.
Sent 05.02.1993 09:37
Hi Ethan.
I wish you were here with me right now. We’ve arrived at Jupiter, and we’re orbiting it right now as we brief, organise and figure out how to proceed. That means I’m probably going to get more training in the Tracer, but I can tell you about that later.
It’s beautiful here. I don’t know if you’ve talked about Jupiter yet in classes, so I’ll tell you a bit about what I can see from being here. The clouds are absolutely mesmerising - you can see the colours of Jupiter below, all kinds of reds, oranges and blues at times, and then you have the clouds above them, swirling around and creating the most fascinating patterns.
I wish I had some way of sending you a picture of it so that you could see for yourself, though I imagine that the official research team for the mission will send pictures over to Earth soon enough.
I hope that school is going well, and that you, Luther and Benji are good too.
Lots of Love,
Ilsa
PS: Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you too!
Expected Delivery 08.03.1993 14:45
Ethan’s gaze wanders between the description Ilsa had sent him and the picture of Jupiter from his textbook. It seems almost unimaginable that Ilsa is so far away, seeing the clouds and formations that he’s learning about right now.
It saddens him too, in a way. He saw when she sent it, saw how long the time period between the message being sent and it arriving was. It makes him feel even worse about not answering her instantly - the wait must have been long, and it was already excruciating for him even though she answered practically the moment she received his message.
So, without further ado, he opens a new message box and starts writing.
Sent 08.03.1993 16:17
Hi Ilsa.
It’s good to hear from you. I’m glad your manouver is going well.
We are actually learning about Jupiter right now! Professor Phelps said he’d talk about the clouds and the atmosphere next week, so I might show him what you said about it - he asks about you and the mission a lot.
Aside from that, classes are still good. Professor Hanaway misses you, but not as much as Luther and Benji (and me of course) do. We still go out together a lot, but it’s not really the same, and we’re kind of drifting apart a bit, which sucks.
But I don’t want to make you feel bad or so, so tell me - how are you? How are your manoeuvres going? Have you been able to fly a Tracer again, or are you still waiting to do that?
I can’t wait to hear from you again.
Lots of Love,
Ethan
Expected Delivery 11.04.1993 19:47
Ilsa is sitting on her bunk, still shaking, her cheeks still wet and flushed from the crying she just did. She’s cried more these past few months since she left Earth than she has at any point in her life.
She knew what she was getting into when she signed the contract. She knew she’d have to do what she was ordered to - pilot a Tracer, aid the mission, come back a hero. But still, the cost hurts.
She’s got a call scheduled with her parents later, through the official channel which guarantees that they get at least five minutes of time for them, where they can talk normally instead of just via text message.
But then there’s still Ethan. She has to tell him as well, but that’s going to be a lot harder. At least she can tell her parents to their faces.
Sent 17.04.1993 18:12
Hi Ethan.
We’ve pretty much finished our stay here at Jupiter now. Some people are returning back to Earth, but most of the crew, me included, is going on to Pluto now.
It’s going to be even longer for our messages to arrive now - a few months at least, Hunley said. I’m properly a part of his team now. He’s the one that oversees the Tracer units, and gives us orders for what to do, who to attack and what to bring back up if we find anything interesting when looking at planets or moons.
I’m sorry that you, Luther and Benji aren’t so close anymore. If you see them, please let them know that I miss them, and if I could, I’d come back the first chance I get. And tell the Professors that I say hi too.
How are you though? Are you okay? How’s school?
I’m sorry about the messages taking so long. And I’m so sorry that it’ll be even longer now. But we’ll be okay, right?
Take care of yourself.
Ilsa
Expected Delivery 24.05.1993 12:26
No, Ilsa, he wants to write back. No, Ilsa, we won’t be okay.
But he doesn’t. Instead, he sets the phone down on his desk, flipping open his textbook as he re-reads the paragraph on Jupiter’s cloud formations.
Sent 26.05.1993 17:55
Hi Ilsa.
I’m good, thanks for asking. School’s been going well too - exams, mostly, but also some fun stuff. I’ve been hanging out with other people in my class a bit more - do you remember Jack and Hannah? Those two mainly.
Don’t worry about me, Luther and Benji. We still see each other every now and then, it’s just less often than usual, though that might just be linked to exams and so.
You’ll have to tell me what Pluto looks like. We haven’t properly started that part of space yet - we’re still writing an exam on Jupiter soon, but right now, we’re learning about Saturn.
Hanaway was happy to hear from you. I think he worries that you’re too young or that they’re asking too much from you, so it always relieves him to hear from you.
And don’t worry about the messages. We’ll make it work. We always do.
Lots of Love,
Ethan
Expected Delivery 13.09.1993 05:36
Ilsa is so busy over the next few days that she barely has time to even glance at her phone - between meetings, Tracer training and strategy discussions, it’s hard to even fit time to sleep or eat, let alone answer the messages piling up.
In a way, she feels so at home with the crew, her team and the ship that she can’t imagine returning back to Earth now, not when she’s already come so far. She’d told Hunley that a few days ago, when he’d pulled her aside and asked about how she wanted to continue with the mission. She’d had the choice then, and thought about it for less than a second before giving her answer.
So now she’s heading on with the crew, further than Pluto, out even further than the clouds that mark the end of her solar system. There’s no saying how long she’ll be gone. She just has to find a way to tell Ethan and her parents - her only links to back home.
Sent 04.10.1993 23:09
Hi Ethan.
I have some news. We’re continuing on from Pluto, to somewhere outside our solar system. I don’t know how long it’ll take for our messages to get through now. I’m sorry that it has to be this way.
You’ll probably either have already graduated or be about to by the time this message reaches you. When it does, just know that I’m happy for you. Save me a seat at graduation, and let me know how it goes!
I miss you.
Ilsa
Expected Delivery 22.06.1994 16:28
Luther gives him a sympathetic smile from across the crowd of students gathered at the graduation ceremony when he sees the empty chair next to Ethan. He smiles back, giving him a little wave.
Ethan then reaches into his pocket, pulling out his phone to look at her message. He’s already emotional enough, having spotted his parents seated away from the students, so this is just more likely to make him cry, but he needs to see the message again before he goes up to collect his diploma, and graduates without her.
Sent 23.06.1994 04:32
Hi Ilsa.
I just graduated. It was amazing, but I wish you’d been there with me.
My parents came for it, and it was nice to see them again. They actually remembered you from that one time you were there when they called, and asked about you. So I told them that you’d been one of the people chosen for the Lysithea-Mission, and they told me to tell you that they hope it all goes well and that you‘re successful.
I spoke to Luther too. Benji was somewhere else so we didn’t see him, but I heard he’s doing good. Luther says hi and that he misses you. I told him that you’re pretty far out now, which really impressed him. We didn’t talk for long though, because he had to go find his sister.
I’m going back home for a while, spending some time with my parents. I think I might take some time off before I look for a job or something.
Oh, I saved you a seat next to me at graduation. Professor Hanaway gave you a special mention, and you got a big round of applause. I wish you’d have been there to see it.
I miss you.
Lots of Love,
Ethan
Expected Delivery 15.05.1995 11:17
When almost a year after sending it, Ethan hasn’t received an answer, the nervousness kicks in.
It starts off almost obsessively - anytime he has nothing to do, he picks up the phone Ilsa had given him, and checks for messages. But no matter what, there’s nothing.
Gradually, he slows down, checks only once a day, once every two days, once a week. But still, no answer. No sign of life. Nothing.
He goes from job interview to job interview, answering the same questions with the same lack of interest, getting rejection after rejection after rejection. He knows that it must worry his parents, his aimless wandering, but he doesn’t know how to stop it. His life feels like it only has one purpose: waiting for a message from Ilsa.
And yet, day after day, nothing. No answer, no sign of life, no report of anything new from the Lysithea-Mission in the news.
One morning, he leaves his phone lying on the kitchen table, faced down. His mother runs after him, calling that he’d forgotten it.
“Leave it”, he calls back, his voice unintendedly harsh.
“But you used to check it constantly and take it everywhere with you”, she says, confused. “Did you get tired of it?”
He doesn’t answer, just smiles and shrugs. The real answer is a lot more harsh - he’s tired of spending his days just waiting for an answer from Ilsa.
Sent 16.09.1995 10:26
Hi Ethan, how are you?
We’re outside the Milky Way now. It seems odd saying that, actually accepting that we’re this far away from Earth now. Truth be told, I still find it hard to process sometimes.
I’m glad to hear that your graduation went well. It’s good to hear from Luther too. How is it being back home with your parents? Is it nice to be in Wisconsin again? I don’t know if you remember, but we said that one day, we’d go togther and you’d show me the farm you grew up on. I guess we won’t be able to do that for a while though, unfortunately.
I don’t know yet where we’re heading next. I think they said something about-
A loud bang echoes through the Lysithea, making Ilsa jump up from her bunk. The siren for emergencies starts trilling loudly, the ship’s captain’s voice echoing through the hallways.
“All Tracer units, to their machines! I repeat, all Tracer units-“
With that, Ilsa is up, sprinting along the hallway until she reaches the launch bay, where Hunley is already standing, waiting anxiously for the Tracer pilots. “Ah, Ilsa”, he breathes in relief, pointing her towards her Tracer. “Tarsians spotted the ship and are attacking. We estimate about twelve, and they need to be eliminated before more are alerted”.
That’s all Ilsa needs to hear. She nods, and jogs over to her Tracer, quickly slipping into the seat and booting up the engine. In less than a minute, she’s outside, surrounded by the cold, vast air of outer space. No matter how many times she’s done this, it never feels less strange.
She spots the Tarsians instantly. At almost three meters tall, they are just a bit bigger than a Tracer, but less agile. She quickly and methodically starts taking aim, waiting for confirmation of other Tracers coming to help her as she shoots at them, trying to get each Tarsian down in one shot. But when Hunley next speaks over her comm, it makes her blood run cold.
“Faust, get back to the ship! We have more than twenty thousand Tarsians incoming!”
In the millisecond she’s distracted, processing the news, a Tarsian slams into the side of her Tracer. She swivels around quickly, fleeing towards the hatch before it closes.
As she lands her Tracer, and secures it back in it’s spot, she hears the voices around her. “Ilsa!”, Declan, another Tracer-pilot calls out to her. “They’re jumping back a light year to escape the Tarsians. If you want to get out a message to back home, you have to do it now”.
She’s sprinting back to her room as fast as she can now, just wanting to reach her phone. If she doesn’t get her message to Ethan out right now, it’ll be more than two years before it reaches him. She turns corners without looking, trying desperately to keep up the pace, to just make it to her phone so that she can finish her message and send it before the jump.
She’s there. She grabs her phone, quickly typing the tail end of the message. But before she can press send, there’s a terrible creaking sound, and the ship lurches forwards so quickly that she is knocked to the ground, the phone falling from her hand and clattering to the ground next to Julia’s bunk.
And even as she pulls herself across the floor, reaches for the phone and presses send, she knows that it’s too late.
-about going out further. I’m sorry, it’ll take years now.
Ilsa
Expected Delivery 24.12.1997 19:30
It’s raining as Ethan sits at the bus stop, waiting somewhat impatiently. He’s on his way to his parents, commuting from his job in the city out to their farm for Christmas. They’ll undoubtedly be nagging him about finding a girlfriend instead of just moping around.
He’s pulling his phone out of his pocket when it dings - a new message. This is the phone Ilsa had given him, ages ago. He’d broken his old one, and since this had been the next-best thing - a perfectly functional phone that he didn’t have to pay for himself - he just started using it for everyday texting.
So, he’s expecting it to be his mother’s name that lights up on the screen, not Ilsa’s.
For a second, the nostalgia washes over him. He hasn’t thought of her in a long time, had almost given up waiting for her to answer. It had taken her this long to answer, so he’d in a way stopped expecting her to.
At first, he feels a warm, comfortable feeling in his chest at the idea of her texting him, the feeling of his old crush on her coming back to life. But the more he thinks of it, the darker his thoughts get. Why had it taken her this long to answer?
So, he shakes his head, and slides the phone back into his jacket pocket. If she wants to text him again - fine. But he won’t let that ruin the life he’s built himself.
Julia’s head pops around the door, scaring Ilsa for a second.
“You heard, right?”, she asks without preamble. “Hm?”, is Ilsa’s response. “Well, we’re jumping again. If you want to get a message out to Earth, you better do it within the next twenty-four hours, because after that, it’ll take at least eight years to reach Earth”.
“Oh”, is all Ilsa can say to it. “Thanks for telling me”. Julia nods, before leaving the room and pulling the door shut behind her.
Instantly, Ilsa grabs her phone, and starts typing. Her parents will definitely need a long explanation. Once that’s sent, she’ll see who else she should tell about it.
It’s about two hours before the jump, and Ilsa is still lying awake, feeling restless. There’s someone else she should text. Ethan.
It’s been years since they last exchanged anything though. But still, she wants to let him know, wants to at least give him a last goodbye before their distance is too big.
So, she grabs her phone and starts typing.
Sent 26.02.1998 23:09
Hi Ethan.
I know it’s been a while, and I’m sorry. It’s hard, messaging with this big time difference between us. I don’t know if my previous message has reached you yet, or if it’s an answer from you I should be waiting for, but whatever, this is something I need to send now.
We’re about to jump again. This time, the difference will be about eight years between us. That’s why I need to send this now, before the difference is too big. We’re going to be looking for something new, any new data we can find on Tarsians and how they live, where they come from and how their technology works.
Honestly though, I kind of hope we don’t find anything and that we turn back. I just want to come back home. I want to see you and my parents and Luther and Benji and all the other people I know again. I miss you so much, it hurts. I just want to go home.
I miss being in uni with you, sitting next to you as Professor Hanaway is explaining something. I miss the rain, and wandering around at night through the city. I want to go to a bar with you and the others again, and come home late at night. I just want to be with you again.
Ilsa
Expected Delivery 14.08.2000 22:19
Ethan doesn’t know how to feel when another message from Ilsa reaches him. He’s heard that the Lysithea had made a jump a while ago, but hadn’t expected to receive anything from her.
But when he opens the message, reads it, it’s all he can do to not break down crying.
She’d waited. All these years, she’d waited for an answer. And he’d been too self-centred to even read her first message, to even give her an answer. By now, she must be years away, practically unreachable for him.
None of that matters to him though, as he starts pressing the buttons for a new message with shaky fingers.
Sent 15.08.2000 00:03
Hi Ilsa.
I’m so, so, so sorry that I didn’t answer. I know that by the time this message reaches you, years will have passed and you’ll probably be even further away than you are now.
Whatever the case might be, I just need to tell you something. I love you. I love you so, so much. I’ll wait for you, however long it takes.
Take care of yourself and always remember that I love you more than you can even imagine.
Ethan
Expected Delivery 29.01.2009 13:38
The planet she’s landed on reminds her so much of Earth, it hurts. From the bright light shining down on her to the soft rain pattering down on the metal coating of her Tracer, it all makes Ilsa think of home.
She’s here to retrieve samples from what they believe to be a planet inhabited by Tharsians - a somewhat risky job, but nothing worse than the countless attacks they’ve suffered. She’s lost count of the amount of times they’ve had to make jumps, distancing themselves more and more from their home planet.
Though nobody is willing to admit it out loud, it looks less and less likely that they’ll ever make it back.
Ilsa is so caught up in her thoughts, that for a second she doesn’t notice the figure slowly creeping towards her Tracer, up until the moment that it jumps at her, knocking her over. She yelps, quickly sending a blast at it that knocks it backwards, smoke rising from what used to be a Tharsian.
Fuck.
If she’s been spotted, that means that it’s only a matter of minutes until they see the ship and are attacking that too. “Hunley, I’ve just been attacked by a Tharsian. Heading back to the Lysithea, but you should get ready to jump”.
The sigh that follows is one of such deep exhaustion of the constant running, the jumps further and further away from home, deeper into the dark, unexplored void of space. “I’ll get the message to the captain”, Hunley answers, before clicking off.
Ilsa quickly flies up to her assigned docking point. They used to have to receive one when entering, but their crew has shrunken drastically with the constant attacks, so it’s not necessary anymore.
As she jumps out of the machine, her eye catches that of Alanna, another Tracer-pilot. “How far back are we jumping?”
“Should be about fifteen years”, comes the answer.
Ilsa’s stomach drops, and she grabs her phone out of her pocket, searching through the small list of contacts she still keeps until she finds Ethan’s name.
It’s been years, partially because of the constantly changing distances, partially because of the constant jumps. But just as she’s typing out her message, she feels the telltale signs of a jump, and grabs on to one of the benches at the side of the launch bay as the ship lurches forwards, knocking down anything not secured tightly enough.
She’s almost familiar with it now - first there’s the feeling like you’re falling forwards, then the ship begins to slow down, until it comes to a stop again. But not this time.
There’s a loud bang coming from the direction of the engine room, and the Lysithea starts spinning to the side. A series of crashes echoes through the launch bay, the sound giving Ilsa a sick feeling in her stomach. She sinks to the ground slowly, trying to keep her grip on the phone in her hand, but feeling it slowly slip out of her grasp as the ground gets closer and closer…
She must have passed out, because when she next wakes up, she’s lying in one of the bunks, her phone on the nightstand next to her, the room around her dark. She sits up, feeling dizzy for a second before a warm hand finds her shoulder and pushes her down onto the bed again.
“You need to sleep”, Alanna murmurs next to her. “What… happened?”, Ilsa asks, her voice raspy.
The woman next to her is silent for a moment, like she’s unsure of what to say. Then, finally: “We got hit by a Tharsian attack. It shredded one of our engines as we were attempting to jump. We’ve come to a stop now, but we can’t go anywhere else. They still need to send out a signal to Earth and get an estimate on how big the distance between us is, but they’re saying that it’s at least nineteen years”.
Ilsa takes a deep breath, trying to process. “How… how long will it take for someone to get here to help us?”
Alanna shrugs. “They’re reckoning maybe five years, about. I wouldn’t hold my breath though. All they really need is the data we’ve gathered, and that’s not going anywhere”. She shakes her head, her smile bitter.
“If I had to guess, I’d say they’ll leave us here to die, and then come to get what they want”.
Her phone is pretty scratched up from being flung around the launch bay, but thank goodness it’s still working. If she’s going to die here, Ilsa has one message she still needs to get out.
Sent 19.07.2008 01:56
Ethan - I love you.
Expected Delivery 24.11.2027 21:17
Expected Delivery 12.05.2035 14:06
Expected Delivery 28.01.2044 19:32
Error: Delivery Timeout. Message Unreachable.