Work Text:
“Split, I can never tell when you're mad / Dead eyes when it's getting bad / I've been under attack / I don't wanna fight back / Split, I can never tell when you're mad / Dead eyes when it's getting bad / Split, I've been under attack / I don't want this to last”
Every single day is like a battle with Hanta and everyone’s tired of it.
They know he can’t help whatever he has going on but it’s the fact that his attitude has been affected even when he feels fine too. One minute he’s snapping, the next he’s pretending like nothing even happened and then if anyone’s lucky, they get a really thoughtful apology and not one that they think they deserve that Hanta just says so they get off his back.
Everyone feels entirely sorry for Denki though since the two are dating and were best friends way before their confessions. Since the two were 12, Hanta’s always been more bold with himself but sometimes it was too much. Of course self expression is a good thing but not when you’re being mean to people, threatening others, threatening yourself and even trying to harm others.
Of course Denki put up with it because what kind of best friend would he be to ditch the other for something way out of his control but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt everyday to watch the love of his life basically tear himself apart and take everyone down with him.
Hanta never truly got diagnosed with anything solely based on the fact that he doesn’t want to believe anything is actually serious. His mom is concerned and has had to deal with Hanta’s mood swings more than anyone else in the world - besides his siblings - but she was never the type of parent to force her kids to do something, even if it meant it would be helpful.
Which is exactly why Aizawa did that for her.
Hanta, Denki and their friends are now in their third year at UA and Hanta’s in the process of getting a diagnosis. What it’s for specifically is something discussed between Aizawa and his mom but he said the results will answer any questions he may have, which did confuse him because he believed it was normal to feel this way.
I mean obviously if someone’s pissed off then they wish death on everyone and curse them out. Obviously it takes everyone a long time to calm down. Obviously everyone has this deep pit in their stomach of thinking it would be better if they weren’t here BECAUSE they hurt others. Obviously everyone goes numb for a few minutes and then they come back perfectly fine!
Right..?
🕸️🕸️🕸️
“I can’t fucking deal with this shit today!”
“Hanta you KNEW we were going!”
“THAT DOESN’T MEAN I WANT TO FUCKING GO DENKS! THAT ISN’T HOW THIS SHIT WORKS, WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING PERSISTENT ON THIS?! GO ASK SOMEONE FUCKING ELSE!”
Denki sighs defeatedly and sits on the other's bed. For the past week they both planned to go to an aquarium just for fun since they had a day off from school. Hanta definitely knew and even got his outfit ready last night so Denki doesn’t know what the hell happened between those hours.
“Okay.. I’ll ask Kyouka or Tooru if one of them wants to go.”
“Fucking thank you.. I’m not doing this because I don’t love you or anything, I just can’t right now. I woke up and don’t feel good at all.”
They both know he doesn’t mean he woke up feeling sick but unfortunately there’s always going to be two definitions to that word and it’s way more unfortunate that Hanta fits one of those descriptions.
“No no it’s fine! I totally get it, I won’t make you go. I can buy you something though, like a plushie or jewelry?”
Hanta’s eyes light up at that a bit as he nods which Denki counts as a small victory.
“You can go now.”
“Right right! See ya baby, drink some water okay?”
“Mhm.”
With that, Denki kisses his cheek and leaves the room.
When Denki, Kyouka and Tooru all come back - Kyouka snitched to the other girl - Denki braces himself for the impact. He doesn’t know which Hanta he’s going to get right now but he sure as hell hopes it’s one that won’t avoid him.
When he walks into Hanta's room, he doesn’t expect to see the other sniffling on the floor and trying to crotchet a pikachu plushie.
The blonde immediately puts down his gift bag and sits down next to him, quickly cupping his face and drying his tears.
“Hey hey, why are you sad? What’s going on?”
“Nothing, I’m fine.”
“You can talk to me Han, you know this.. and since when do you crochet?”
Hanta shrugs and looks away.
“I wanted to do something nice for you.. felt bad about earlier and I know you had a bad day because of me.”
“Baby.. I did NOT have a bad day because of you. Even if I did, you didn’t have to do this for me! I love you and know you don’t mean it, I had so much fun today.”
Denki frowns and kisses Hanta’s forehead before taking the yarn and hook out of his hands to hold him close. He shushes the other and rubs his back as he feels his shoulder become wet and his body shift a bit at the way Hanta’s shoulders practically go up and down with each cry.
They stay like this for almost a full two hours even if Hanta’s stopped crying and is just.. feeling.
“You wanna shower and eat? We can watch a movie or that show you really like!”
Hanta sniffles one last time and nods his head to everything. When he watches Denki get up to go start their shower, he thinks to himself about how he wishes he didn’t have to go through this and if it lasts any longer he wouldn’t blame Denki or anyone else for leaving him.
🕸️🕸️🕸️
Denki’s not dumb. What he has going on academically doesn’t affect him personally and he can easily read people’s emotions.
It just irks him that he can never truly read Hanta’s.
The boy has been avoiding everyone all day, verbal wise. Sure he sat with their group at lunch and even paired up with Ochako for class but he hasn’t said one word all day. Again, Denki is not a dumbass and knows how Hanta is. His true wish is that Hanta doesn’t have to be like this any longer.
He knows trying to change people is never okay but he doesn’t like having to worry about someone who either doesn’t necessarily WANT to be saved nor do they think they DESERVE to be saved.
“Hanta? Baby it’s me! Shoto wanted me to let you know he got a new ma- WHAT THE FUCK?!”
Denki truly did not expect to see his boyfriend in tears desperately - and quite honestly a bit pathetically - trying to open a bottle of pills. Anyone else who doesn’t know Hanta and maybe might even be innocent or unaware to those with mental health struggles might just think he has a headache or pain somewhere else, but unfortunately Denki knows Hanta.
Hanta looks up like a deer caught in headlights at the shorter boy. He presses his lips together to stay quiet not knowing what he should do. Though it doesn’t help the tears running down his face it does help silence his thoughts a bit just seeing his boyfriend, even if he looks like he’s about to start crying himself.
“Hanta.. put it down please. Let’s talk okay? Han please..”
When Denki slowly moves forward, Hanta slowly moves backwards. He knows Denki won’t hurt him but does his brain truly believe in that? He flinches harder than he should when he feels Denki take the bottle out of his hands. He feels himself being sat down on the rim of the tub and watches the other kneel between his legs.
“Honey.. why?”
All he gets is a head shake and sniffle in response. He watches Hanta drag his hands over his face and bury it in them. All Denki offers right now is gentle touches and eye contact to show that he’s listening because sadly that’s all he knows WHAT to use right now.
“Holy fuck that was so dumb!”
Denki’s eyebrow quirks up at his boyfriend's laughter. He pouts realizing he has his phone and tries looking at the screen so he can laugh too.
“Heyyyy what are you watching?!”
“Hm? Oh not that love, I meant me.”
“Huh? You? What did you do?”
“Ya know.. earlier in the bathroom? Lowkey I was being dramatic as hell, I feel fine now.”
Denki just nods because he knows this isn’t the first time Hanta’s had suicidal thoughts, he just never acted on them before. He also knows he feels all giddy after, almost like they were doing a test that the younger had to pass.
“I don’t think you were. Your feelings are valid babe!”
Hanta stops laughing and gives a soft smile.
“I mean I know that but I was just sad and for what? I still have a lot to live for.. I mean I have you. I really really love you!”
He finishes it off with kisses all over the blonde's face which gives him laughter in return.
“See? Now we’re both happy!”
‘Oh how I wish that were true..’ Denki thinks to himself.
🕸️🕸️🕸️
Hanta’s mad again. Recently he’s been more irritable but it’s never gotten this bad before.
Denki never tries to argue back when he’s like this but his day wasn’t so great either so everyone knew this was bound to happen, they just didn’t expect it to be like this.
The two boys have been arguing for the past ten minutes straight and what originally was “just give me a fucking minute” became a screaming match of “I hate you’s” and “I wish you were fucking dead” or “you need fucking psychological help.”
Neither of them have ever fucked up so badly.
The minute Denki made that last comment, everyone’s standing shock. Denki’s holding his cheek and Hanta’s body is shaking with rage and fire. If anyone knew Hanta any better - and thankfully a few of them kind of do - they’d say the look in his eyes give a reflection of regret and self hatred but he can’t be their focus right now.
It really does take Hanta a few seconds to realize what he just did and when he does it’s like his world shatters. He just hurt his favorite person in the world and now he’ll never trust him again. Denki’s going to hate him forever and so will their friends. Denki’s going to leave him and find someone new and less ill and-
“Hanta you need to sit, you look like you’re gonna puke sweetie..”
He tries to get out of what feels like Momo’s grip, not because he doesn’t want to sit but because he doesn’t want to hurt anyone else.
Unfortunately for him though, he ends up sitting anyway because he can feel himself blacking out.
Denki never got an apology that morning.
Well he couldn’t because they had homeroom right after but Hanta locked himself in his room all day again so it wouldn’t have mattered.
It’s now 7pm and he’s sitting on his floor playing Roblox when there’s a knock and someone walking inside. He doesn’t have to look up to know it’s Hanta but seeing the gift basket he’s holding makes him want to cry.
Hanta sits down and pushes it towards him, not knowing what to say or do. They know this cycle of being on and off again but neither know how to end it without emotionally hurting the other in the process.
Denki knows that Hanta understands that he’s never mad at him for anything he does, he just struggles to keep it together. He looks in the basket anyway and pulls out all the items before breaking out into sobs, throwing himself into the other’s lap and crying into his chest. Hanta wraps his arms around him and cries into his hair.
Denki doesn’t want to leave Hanta because he knows he can get him help and it’s the step that Hanta himself has to take to fully accept it.
Hanta doesn’t want to leave Denki because he knows that he loves him but the amount of hate and questioning he has for himself overrides it sometimes and he’s too scared to take action because of the “what if” always being there.
What if he never truly gets better?
What if Denki still leaves him in the end?
What if all of this was for nothing?
That’s too many “what if’s” for Hanta which is why he keeps shoving them down. He knows it’s bad, he just hopes the minute his diagnosis comes in that he’ll finally accept reality and get the support he deserves because he knows that his current support isn’t getting anything he deserves either.